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#youniquerep

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Growth

I think the last time I posted on here was over a year ago . I no longer entertain a 15 year toxic relationship ! I’ve learned a lot about what I want in life and what kind of person I want to spend it with . I remarried to someone who has shown me more respect and love than anyone I have ever been with before . The healthiest relationship I’ve ever had . There’s a lot I’m still healing from tho from the past as far as bad anxiety from , physical mental and emotional abuse so I’m very thankful my husband knows how to help me thro it . Also expecting a baby boy! My oldest will be 10 this year so it’s been 10 years since I’ve had a baby and 11 years for him as my step daughter is 11! Def excited to meet the little guy !!

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Haven’t posted on here in so long ! Crazy how much he changed ! But that’s life always changing !

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“Doubt can only be removed by action.” - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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“If we wait for the moment when everything, absolutely everything is ready, we shall never begin.” - Ivan Turgenev

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“Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off the goal.” - Henry Ford

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“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” - Buddha

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“Your life does not get better by chance, it gets better by change.” - Jim Rohn

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I look down and see this, looks like the kitty is plotting lmao

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I literally could lay in bed all day. Its so cold out!!!

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Dance under the moonlight Like how you adore the stars Let your sorrow turns into pixie dust Vanish the tears like there’s forever Spin your head through the magic of the sky Let your emptiness fills the mystery Put a smile and live a life of ease.

(via jcatmoonlight)

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Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend.

Brainyquotes

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Suicide

Well what a way to start off my first blog , talking about suicide huh? I was gonna talk about how my morning went with my son because it was a rough one. He was super moody. But instead decided this. I came across a story this morning , or more a less an example. I’m gonna paste it , then after the story I’m gonna write some more. *BEGINNING* Want to kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother or sister knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it does, everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day. People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. Stay strong 💕 *END* I’m gonna guess by this point you have tears in your eyes or are fully crying. For me I cried. How many of you have struggled with suicide attempts or at least thoughts ? I know most likely a lot of people. Thoughts more or so less than actually acting upon it. For me i would say suicide thoughts started around she 13. Something always had me down. I was bullied by this one particular kid , who by the way as an adult ended up alogozing to me and said he only did that because he thought I was better than him. Regardless I didn’t know that at the time but he just always gave me shit. Then there was a kid who would give me shit on the bus. It was so bad I ened up losing it on the bus one time because regardless of how many times he got in trouble he wouldn’t stop. My bus driver just let me go off on him because she could tell I was tired. Tired of always dealing with his non needed crap. I was always getting in trouble at hime for something. Me and dad would fight or me and my mom would discuss something or id do something wrong and she would ssy she wouldnt tell my dad but then would. There was times when my dad thought i was acting up he would go throught my room and take everything out or habe trash bags of stuff he was throwing away. There were times I would self harm as in I’d hit myself , that was the start. Then I read this book called cuts. So I thought maybe if I do that I’ll feel better. I remeber the first time I did it was nervous. But it was just scrstches honestly. Id use a safety pin. Then as stuff got more stressful at home I began using razor blades. Still not very deep just superficial, but I would do so many . Over time it just got worse , I would cut for whatever reason , regardless if I was happy or sad , at school or at home. I never really talked to anyone about any of this except one friend at school but I think eventually my parents were starting to catch on. My mom broke into my diary one day found out I was cutting and took me to see a counselor and they sent me to a psych hospital. It was just a pattern from there out. Group home , psych hospital. I was always doing something wrong. My attitude was wrong, my actions, the cutting. I lived in a group home my first suicide attempt. I stole a whole bottle of pills out of my teachers desk which I didn’t know what it was I just wanted to take it all! Snuck it into the group home then went into the bathroom and with just water in my hands slowly took the whole entire bottle. It didn’t take long before someone noticed I was looking funny I was getting really dizzy. They kept asking me what I did and I wouldn’t budge. They took me to the hospital and I finally told them what I did. They had to do a blood test to find out what I took and I had to drink this nasty charcoal stuff and spent the night in icu. Its so crazy to because i remeber being so scared to go to sleep that night that I wouldn't wake up. It goes to show that deep down i didnt want to die. Just wanted a temporary fix to my pain. But anyway What it was was doctor prescribed Tylenol. I almost shut my liver down. My attempt was not successful obviously nor did it do me any good. I got sent to a bootcamp place the next day left the hospital in handcuffs and shackles. I wanted to scream. I just tried to kill myself and I get sent to a freaking boot camp?! All that crap went on until I was almost 18. 5 years of back forth to different places all for my cutting and behavior. My past is something I will never forget but I’m glad to be alive because granted I went through things, hard things I feel , im close with God , me and my parents have a good relationship now, I also have a wonderful little boy and husband . All my hard times Have helped me get to where i am today .suicide def was not the answer but seemed like it was. You can over come anything , having the right positive surroundings and people in your life. For me my husband and me met when I was 12 and 13. We always tried to stay in contact while I was away but I wanted to see him so I tried to push through it all. It was a struggle there’s no denying that. But from my experience If my child is harming themselves , sending them away is the last thing I will do. Get them help yes. But I can’t put them thro what I went thro. I feel like I’m rambling now & this is the short version og my story lol. But there is a always a bright side at th3 end of the tunnel. Open up talk to someone , it can help.

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Pondering

Hmm I've been tossing ideas around all day about how to start this an what to talk about on this new journey of blogging. Maybe tommrow I'll have something. Peace & Love ✌