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yourplayersaidwhat · 4 hours
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Sorcerer: Con save?
DM: Yep
Sorcerer: I’m good at those! *rolls a 2*
Wizard: *Laughing* It was the excitement in your voice!
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yourplayersaidwhat · 7 hours
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"The tree, if you recall, was definitely made out of tree."
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yourplayersaidwhat · 9 hours
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"Look, right up until you started talking I thought you were a plushie from Build-A-Golem."
The 4'0" fairy Fighter to the 1'11" mouse-folk Rogue
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yourplayersaidwhat · 12 hours
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"I've only had [cleric's brother] for a session and a half but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself."
- Said cleric's player.
"I do think it's funny I'm way more okay with [cleric] being hurt than with anything happening to the siblings."
- the same player a session later.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 15 hours
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Admittedly, they were a well-funded death cult...
Catfolk Rogue: (in a jealous rant) I'm just mad that the death cult has a pillow pit!
GM: To be fair, the death cult doesn't have the pillow pit.  That's the other cult.
Pathfinder Curse of the Mummy's Mask 
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yourplayersaidwhat · 23 hours
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(while exploring a haunted temple, our Shar-worshiping Cleric found a book dedicated to a different god)
Cleric: I'm gonna stare at it judgementally.
DM: Roll for Intimidation.
Cleric: (wheezing) that's a 5
DM: You get the sense that the book judges you back.
Cleric: Well now I have self-esteem issues.
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"It's canon, [Grounder's] character is a war criminal. He has one count of chemical weapon use, one count of assault on a medic/medical facility, and two counts yet undetermined."
- DM, sick of these people's shit. (It is literally session 1)
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Dm: you enter through the painting and find that it’s dark. Do any of you have dark vision?
Warlock: yeah I have 10 torches
(While we are discussing how to light the torches…)
Bard: can I intimidate the dark into not being dark
*laughter from party members*
DM: sure. Why not.
*…Natural 20.*
*even more laughter*
DM: y’know what? Fine. The mushrooms that were on the wall are so scared by your big dick energy that they start to glow. It is no longer dark.
Thanks to @the-uno-reverse-card for being an awesome DM and putting up with our bullshit 🫡
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"One can only dream to have assets so impressive that they distract the queen of the succubi!"
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"Congratulations! You've completed your first quest"
-the DM at the end of session 80
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days
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"I've been spamming spells all night, how unlucky can I be?"
-Wildmagic caster in a game with a d10,000 surge table.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days
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"She's hot, domineering, and went straight for my neck. That does things to people"
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days
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“I’m going to have to read this verbatim”
- The DM after I rolled an 100 on a d100 and had to give us level 7 players a wish spell because he did not realize that was an option on the table.
“thank you for not ruining the story" 
- The DM after the wish did not derail the entire campaign.
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days
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"You are in the boonies of the boonies in outer space. I don't think you need to be worried about something following you back to Waterdeep."
- Psychic, OOC, Acting as Temp DM
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yourplayersaidwhat · 2 days
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Context: Party is in a mansion, attempting to solve a mystery
Ranger: I investigate the freezer room (rolls high)
DM: In the back of the bacon drawer you find…a red herring. Like, the fish.
Ranger: (completely sincerely) hmm…suspicious…why would it be there? I’m gonna cut it open for clues
DM: *stunned, befuddled silence*
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yourplayersaidwhat · 3 days
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Me: So this demon’s blood is highly volatile, and it can reach incredibly high temperatures, and can permanently scar any kind of tissue it comes into contact with.
Rogue: *brief pause*
Rogue: Can we put it in a chili?
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yourplayersaidwhat · 3 days
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Rogue: Father I have sinned
Cleric (female): Okay first of all, it's "Mother"
Rogue: Mommy I have sinned
Cleric: No-
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