veritech-bees - Tumblr blog

veritech-bees · 22 days ago

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someday. somehow. people will want to be my friend

#and the leaves will be made of candy and rhe ground will be paved with gold #i'm so. fucking lonely #someday people will like me #i have to hold onto that hope #everything i do is in the hopes of reaching that moment where i can have friends

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veritech-bees · 2 months ago

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there is some fundamental part of being a human that i lack, that everyone else has

#i just remembered like. in my friend group theres another person whos obsessed with the same game as i am #its the least popular game out of all the titles (so unpopular we didnt get an offical english translation for 10 years)#and yet. people engage with the other persons interests and like. talk about that persons art #they dotn do that for me #what am i lacking #i am willing to do anything to get this part of me fixed #i will willingly eat poison #i will drink bleach i dont care whatever it takes #i will go through infine amounts of pain just for someone to fuckign care about me and what i like

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veritech-bees · 2 months ago

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#i cant even force myself to like popular media or popular characters #those characters do nothing for me they are not fun they are just. theyre there #they are interesting characters who are well written bc most main characters are like that in these games #but like #it does nothing for me #and i *know* thats probably how everyone else feels about my ship and my characters #but it still makes me want to fucking drive my car off a bridge into the ocean #people do not care about me or my interests. even if i produce the best fucking art work im capable of #it wont change anyones minds. theyll just say “i dont go here but this is pretty” and move on #i dont know what im supposed to do at this point.#i thought part of friendship was trying to get interested in what your friends are interested in #i am doing that constantly. every single fcking day im engaging with THEIR interests #but no one even fucking bothers to **TRY** and do the same for me

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veritech-bees · 2 months ago

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#i hate being so aware of the fact i am different than everyone else #i can feel the fact no one quiet knows how to interact with me when im talking about my interests #it throws everyone off kilter #its easier if i just follow along and talk about *their* interests #no one even notices when i am constantly playing along #they dont notice when i stop talking about my own interests. no one cares about my interests #i need to accept that and stop shoving it down peoples throats

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veritech-bees · 2 months ago

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avpd culture is... i think my friends are finally getting tired of me. there's a relief that comes with that. i don't want them to miss me when i leave.

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veritech-bees · 2 months ago

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i think there is something fundamentally rotten and spoiled about my soul. and i think everyone can tell but is to nice to tell me to go away because its disgusting

#that has to be why no matter how hard i try #i cant fucking connect with other people and no one cares about what i love #i cant even get my best friend to read my favorite books or play my favorite game without holding her hand thru the whole thing #i am constantly being spoken over and ignored #and i dont think people would notice if i simply. stopped #fuck they *DONT* notice #and i know this is manipulative and attention seeking but #is it even morally wrong if no one notices?#is anyone harmed by my attention seeking behavior if it goes totally ignored and unnoticed by the entire world #the only person aware of my attention seeking behaviors is myself. and i know how badly they fail #even fucking. prosocial attention seeking behavior goes unnoticed #i spend day after day working myself up to try and get a crumble of connection built on my own interests #and its ignored and posted over in 5 mins. and the thing that posted over me gets infinity more attention. and the post behind mine.#i am actively being ignored. and i have to be okay with that because if im not. im killing myself. and i cant do that #so i have to be fine with constnatly being ignored and shunned.#and each and every day that rot in my soul grows thicker and deeper #i dont know how much how much of me remains. and how much is a mouldy recreation based on fuzzy memories

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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some day, people will learn that just because you got your feelings hurt doesnt mean the person who hurt them is in the wrong. and there will be flying cars, and teleportation

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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everyone always assumes the worst of eachother and it sucks so badly

#you guys are being butthurt by a normal statement and assigning malice where there is no indication of ill will #this will only make your lives have more unhappiness in it #the world already sucks enough. why are you making it worse for yourself by assuming ill will in ever interaction?#whatever. not my circus not my monkeys i will simply vanish #dont think anyone will even notice lol. no one ever does

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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every day i try to connect with other people. and every day i am shown time and time again that i am fundamentally incapable of doing such a thing

#its different people too. i am trying across mutiple avenues with different people and different approaches #and it all ends the same way with me being ignored and talked over #it would be so much easier if i just. didnt want this connection #what kind of god allows for someone who so desperatly wants connection to never develop the social skills required for said connection

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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every day i try to connect with other people. and every day i am shown time and time again that i am fundamentally incapable of doing such a thing

#it would be easier to force the space needle thru a real needle's eye than it would be for me to have a normal conversation with someone

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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i sent a message to someone else in a group chat for the first time in days, only to instantly be corrected by different person. even when i am engaging with others about something i am passionate in, i still fuck up

#i cant even get along with other autistic people #i am too strange and weird and abnormal and asocial to get along with. other autistic people #theres no future world for me.#i will die alone #i think other people can tell that i am DESPERATE for connection #and that energy scares them away from me #which only makes me retreat further from society #and in tern makes me that much more deranged #no one can spend this much time alone and have healthy social skills #and i can feel what small amount of misshapen and awkward social skills ive developed atrophying #it feels horibble. each day i can feel myself getting further and further from humanity at large #the delicate strands of connection and affection that tie everyone together in an infinatly complex tapastry of humanity #they snap in my hands like spider silk #i am too large and too clumsy to be allowed friends

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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avpd culture is writing a vent post to your 0 followers ventblog, only to delete it bc it sounds too mentally ill

#avpd #avpd culture is #avoidant personality disorder #actually avpd

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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i am being tested. by god. and i am failing

#MY DRESSER IS A MONTH OLD WHY DID IT BREAK AGHGHGH

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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i got too comfortable and used to people. i need to remember that this past year is the exception not the rule. people do not like me, and i cannot get along with them. these are ontological facts.

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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avpd culture is not knowing anyone else with avpd

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#i dont even know any fictional characters who can be read as having avpd tbh

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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maybe if i had another seizure people would take me seriously

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veritech-bees · 3 months ago

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i s2g the universe is conspiring against me

#every single time i try an uphold a boundary when it is broken #i get repromanded #im not allowed to tell people off for demanding i stop vaping #nor am i allowed to point out its fucking strange to #(every time i bring up vaping)#instantly talk about how unsexy it is #like. these are strange things to do #none of you bitches are my parents my doctors or my god. why do you think you can demand i change my actions? i am an adult of my own right #and its. Really Fucking Strange to tell someone how unsexy you find them unprompted #like okay dude fuck off #didnt ask and you are being a dick #but im in the wrong of course yeah #everyone says people pleasing and ignoring your own boundries is bad for relationships #and then they turn around and get mad at me for NOT people pleasing and asserting my boundries #i would be easier if i just killed myself i think #at least if i kill myself maybe people will realize how weird their behaviors are #and its not like there sa fucking future for me #look around. the job market is shit. my country is being bought by the richest man alive #i got fucking braindamage and had to drop out of school

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