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1.27.24
i saw 2:22 on the stove clock and pointed finger guns and said "so we meet again"
i had a lot to say 20 minutes ago when i was teary-eyed
o ya
it was something about how i was using this crush to escape my reality when i was struggling. it was always fantasy but that was... ~~Ok~~ ... or at least "that'll do"
but then after that night i was soooo excited and hopeful and i thought i was going to have it all, everything that had seemed impossibly out of reach and everything was still and everything was going to be okay
and i think that makes the come-down so much worse. now i have known that hope and lost it. it is cruel, i think. cruel to lift someone up like that and not even help them back down to earth. just a hard, relentless fall into the cold, damp, dark earth. and what was once my buffer now increasingly dampens my mood. and what a time in my life, where my grandfather is so ill and everyone is struggling. and i cannot even find the goodness within me that everyone so desperately needs and deserves.
and, in spite of my pride and dignity, i still go on hoping. because the fantasy is a little escape when life gets to be too much. it feels like a lack of self-respect, to admire someone who does not care for you any longer. who, it seems, can't see two feet in front of his own face. if you are not right there, then you are not anywhere. and still, the pining and the longing provide that comfort that only i have known for years. but now it is different, and it stings, and yet i still go back to it
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1.24.24
alright so we tried it girly pop and it hasn't been turning out the way you wanted. so let's work on letting it go. with a list of red flags or whateva. yay!
da guns???? kinda scary. we dk his ability to handle his emotions soooo maybe we dodged a bullet..... pun intended
lord even knows his political views. the way he was trying to blame politicians and bahhhh dere tryna take me guns blaaaaahhh omg shut upppppppp. my mom used to be against it until i taught her about blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhh leave it to men to think they have changed someone by annoying them
he gets aggy? like aggressive, in his general behaviors. likeeeee angry about things that aren't really in his control. the clenched fists and wtevrrrr. maybe a lil toxic masculinity goin on. like he was also kinda show offish like about muscles and height and blah blah. if he is someone who cares about those things....... maybe look elsewhere, love!!!
self admitted sexist??? (ok maybe das a reach but IDC IDC we're getting over it bitch we're moving onnnnnnn we're utilizing the WHOLE INFANTRY IDC IDC)
didn't ask about you v much at all.
didn't reach out (which whateva u didnt either) but then hit you with that "Ok" text after you sent the cute one that you had been PRACTICING and plotting out. dat hurty. can't believe i ever lost sleep over this man lol
when i said "ahh i cant see" because it went from dark to light and he said "you have eyes" ???
and right before that we he had said "well i should get you home" and was up from the chair, down the hallway, porch light on, door open, WAITING FOR ME TO LEAVE before i could even stand up from the chair. lmaofojdsifcanfhiunaeiu
when i tried to say about holding the bridge of your nose for a bleed and he SCOFFED the bitch and said "i think i'm gonna put pressure where it's bleeding" fuck you then you stupid rudolph ass bitch
also who doesn't fukn text ahead of time, now i'm on edge in a bad way
and to dangle marriage in front of someone for what?? nothing, apparently... trying to just get laid? trying to be a dick? who knows. not my fuckin problemmmmmm!!!!! i'm over it
okiiieee i used foul language in this but it was for therapeutic purposes only and i hope to harbor no resentment for anyone. don't need to give up space in my heart for that. love and let go (that was a typo it was supposed to be live but that's kinda cute too)
... AND THE CAT DOESN'T LIKE HIM.
you'll find what is meant for you, my love!!! ❤️
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1.18.24
ok i also make list of things that i intend to say at some point:
you are never more beautiful than when you're 20 minutes into a rant about some topic i have no working knowledge of
i think God made you specially for me
you're the smartest person i know
you make my brain go mushy
most men make my tummy ache in a bad way. you make my tummy ache in a good way
on a realer note, to the last point... most men make me feel uneasy. I have never felt as at ease as I have with you. I told you it was peaceful, but I do not think you realized what that meant to me. I feel comfortable and safe with you. That means everything to me.
I trust you
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1.17.24
hey so just go talk to him. you're gonna go over there and talk to him. you can linger around the turnaround and pretend to do snow shit and see if he comes out. but just talk to him. he literally SHOWWWEDDDD INTEREST and STATED IT and just go talk to him and stop being in your head. let him know that YOU LIKE HIM. he is kind and good and you are comfortable with him. and if it goes to shit, and your fears come true or you are rejected... hey YOU TRIED and you won't be able to say you didn't. and if that does happen, you will find what is right for you. either way bitch, you got this. go get him. he talked about wife-ing you and wanting you to call him hubby. letting you call him whatever you want as long as you're talking to him. go try to fuck this man forever make this man smile forever. you will wind up smiling either way as long as YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. xoxo i love you forever
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12.17.23
It's not the long, flowing dress that you're in Or the light coming off of your skin The fragile heart you protected for so long Or the mercy in your sense of right and wrong It's not your hands searching slow in the dark Or your nails leaving love's watermark It's not the way you talk me off the roof Your questions like directions to the truth
It's knowing that this can't go on forever Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone Maybe we'll get forty years together But one day I'll be gone Or one day you'll be gone
If we were vampires and death was a joke We'd go out on the sidewalk and smoke And laugh at all the lovers and their plans I wouldn't feel the need to hold your hand Maybe time running out is a gift I'll work hard 'til the end of my shift And give you every second I can find And hope it isn't me who's left behind
It's knowing that this can't go on forever Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone Maybe we'll get forty years together But one day I'll be gone Or one day you'll be gone
It's knowing that this can't go on forever Likely one of us will have to spend some days alone Maybe we'll get forty years together But one day I'll be gone One day you'll be gone
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12.16.23
a busy night for meeeee apparently or maybe not because here i am
anywho,
just to say that i realize that this fixation has been a thing of distraction for myself. it is my imagination run amuck in order to provide comforting thoughts and feelings. and i use it for comfort. even now, still with the recent tangible realization that he is obviously not who i made up in my head (not that there is anything wrong with him--i don't know him is the thing. there is probably so much wrong with him. and that's fine), but also with the everlasting, always known understanding that this isn't real. the man i have made in my mind is't real. my comfort, my daydreaming, my butterflies, those have been. and honestly, they have maybe been helpful in distracting me from tough times. this is just to say that i realize it is all sort of silly and weird at its core, but it has brought me peace and comfort, or at least the illusion of it, and the illusion of being fully known and fully loved, which is something i have always dreamed of. i have watched time go by through the spectacles of my imagination (hehe) but it has brought something good and kind, even if it was fleeting moments, the character, the charade i made up is ME. it is a part of me, and i have shown myself that unconditional love and acceptance in the face of being fully known. and honestly, isn't that kind of beautiful?
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12.16.23
maybe life is partially about learning to hold your tongue
I see the effects of those who have not mastered it throughout my family. I am trying to be different. I am not always successful. But it is not as important to have the last word as it is to have your dignity.
I don't like it when I am belittled and picked on and yelled at just for the sake of it. Just because someone's had a long day and they're tired. I am no one's punching bag. I have far too much respect for myself to put up with that nonsense.
I used to think all adults reached a point of having it figured out. Emotional control, intelligence, what have youuuuus. But, much more terrifyingly, as I age I realize that they do not. I hope I am one of the ones that is able to have control over myself. Maybe that is a truer measure of maturity than age.
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12.12.23
no thing defines a man like love that makes him soft
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12.12.23
we could laugh, we could shout, sing a song to get it all out
or we could whisper
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11.08.23
a post to vent
I tire of it all so easily. I wonder if I'm just lazy, as I've been told. I wonder if I'm depressed (it runs in the family, you know). Maybe some of those. But I also remember that a plant's ability to thrive is based on its environment.
I love everyone in my life and I am so grateful for the people and things that I have in my life.
It upsets me when I am mocked and ridiculed. I avoided a job for so long, which I must take accountability for. It was influenced by people telling me to focus on school, that I might not do well managing both, which fed into my fear of losing my scholarship. But I traded independence for security.
Maybe the mocking is just a rite of passage. Maybe it is out of love. But should love ever make one feel so deflated, so defeated by life, so embarrassed? I lack confidence, and I don't think the consistent ridiculing has ever helped. Ridiculed for not having a job (by the same people who discouraged me to get one) made me feel crazy, ashamed, and little. A small little sprout being trampled on before reaching its potential. Leaving school on the weekends, then the evenings, because family were 'crying themselves to sleep' over how much they missed me. And me, being afraid that if I didn't come back, they'd seek solace elsewhere, like an abusive ex. I felt the weight of too much responsibility that I did not prompt or otherwise instigate. Then, made fun of at school for not being there. It was hard to feel comfort.
Looking after my family, despite them being pretty independent. They still have a tendency to put themselves in dangerous situations, so I have been a watchful eye and a helping hand (at some points, I hope, though it seems by their reactions that perhaps I am not much help at all). Does everyone and no one need me? Staying at home for my final semester for money from the school (that I did not receive) and to appease my family and to maintain my own comfort. Being berated for not wanting to go in public as much, not having a job, having thoughts and opinions that dared to be different. It breaks my heart to hear that my opinions are stupid, that I don't know what I'm talking about, and that I should shut the fuck up. It makes me sad.
It is also a lack of privacy. Being an adult but fearful of dating because I know I will face criticism and questions for going out and meeting new people. It is learned helplessness, as I avoid trying things because I know someone else will not be satisfied with my work, and I will receive an earful.
Maybe that is what independence is, learning to rely on yourself and not the words of others too much. Maybe I am the only one who will push myself, kindly and gently, out of my comfort zone (without backlash, because I deserve politeness and decency). I deserve everything I want in life. Just keep trying to spread love.
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