writing-underwater - Tumblr blog

[writing-underwater]

i want to be sooooo mad

i wanna throw things

make a scene

have a tantrum

but i can't

and i won't

not yet

not now

so be still my heart,

be strong

[writing-underwater]

Lord this road you put me on

is such a lonely road

i’m sorry for the times i have been weak

for the times i’ve thought of quitting

for feeling so exhausted

instead of being grateful

for all the opportunities you’ve given me.

i am filled with fear and doubts

please guide me

protect me

and continue to support me

as you always have.

allow me to feel your love

in the times 

i feel pain and sorrow

i know i can get through this

because you are with me 

always

[writing-underwater]

my Dad used to tell people that i saved him

by staying

when mom passed away

but actually he saved me

more times than i can count

he saved me from all the silent battles i had to fight

even the ones i didn't have the courage to talk about

he loved me

and that was enough...

Happy Father's Day Dad. I love you.

[writing-underwater]

sometimes I wonder...

Do I work so hard to be good to people

because I’m actually a good person

or am I just scared that I actually am not? 

[writing-underwater]

PROMISES

you used to ask me

to promise you so many things

you asked me to keep our memories

to keep our pictures in a safe place

you asked me to keepsafe all your gifts

and to never throw them away

and even though these things...

these memories remind me of you

remind me both of the happiness and the pain

i kept them still

you asked me to promise

not to hate you

you asked me to promise

not to be sad because of you

you asked me to wait

you asked me for patience

without any assurance

without anything to hang on to

i asked you only one thing...

one thing i was even afraid to say

i asked you to stay,

but you left anyway...

[writing-underwater]

If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more.

Jane Austen, Emma

[writing-underwater]

there are many times i'd wish you were with me now

helping me figure things out

but there are also many times when i'd be grateful

that you aren't here to experience this pandemic

this constant fear and worry

[writing-underwater]

i used to write a lot

i felt so much

that i had to write them down

to cope with all the feelings i felt

but nowadays

i had to keep things in

i get too busy 

that i don’t even know

how to feel anymore

or so i think

but the water helps

when in the water, i can be alone

on my own

no work

no studies

no phone

just me

and i feel

it’s been some time since i tried to feel

i was always scared

if i let myself feel

i’ll remember...

i’ll remember her

and i’ll remember the pain

of losing her

of not being able to hold her hand

even for the last time.

and now i remember her again

and i’m glad 

but i’m also scared.

[writing-underwater]

"You can't wait until life isn't hard anymore before you decide to be happy."

- Nightbirde, AGT 2021

[writing-underwater]

QUARANTINE DIARY

DAY 1. PRIMARY CONTACT

My friend/officemate tested positive for COVID last Sunday and as one of her close contacts at the office and since we had dinner together before she had a fever, I became a primary contact.

As soon as she found out the result, she called me and I started my home quarantine Sunday night. Unfortunately, I had colds, mild cough and slight sore throat by Monday morning. Probably because of the changing weather here in PH. So when the contact tracers called me on Tuesday, I had to tell them my condition which was already considered mild symptoms for COVID.

I was living with 3 vulnerables: My Dad and my uncle , who were both seniors already, and my nephew who was staying with us for his vacation. He stays in my room. They were my main concern.

Given the situation, the contact tracers suggested that I go to a quarantine facility to isolate myself from my family. Our physician friend who heads the health office in our town also suggested that I isolate as soon as possible since my family have no symptoms yet and I can receive medicine at the facility. I agreed.

And so I packed my bags and I got taken to the Quarantine Facility by Tuesday night. It was my old elementary school. Each room had a bathroom.

We had to walk a few distance from the back gate of the school and past the occupied rooms. I was taken into a separate building, a 1 floor building with a row of several rooms, which was on the other side of the school. It was dark. It didn't seem like I had neighbors in the building yet. I was probably separated because I was symptomatic.

The room seemed cool enough. There were 2 ceiling fans, 1 wall fan and I brought a table fan myself just in case. It was also well lit with 2 fluorescent lights. As I said, the room has its own bathroom. There was also a sink. The room was separated into 2 rooms by tarps and woods, probably if they needed to put more than 2 persons in a room. But since I was alone, I got to use one room as my bedroom and the other room with the table as my study room.

The monitoring team interviewed me via phone regarding my health condition and later, they provided me with antibiotics and vitamins.

Several people checked on me that night. I videochatted with my family and some of my friends. I was really grateful that they kept me company. I was really scared that first night. The door to my room doesn't have a lock inside. I only had 'alambre' as lock. so i had to put 2 chairs bybthe door just in case. I did not dare close the lights.

I didn't get much sleep that night...I was a bit scared and worried. but talking to my friends til I slept helped.

[writing-underwater]

on the heavier side

so i’m on the heavier side.

i tend to stress eat and i keep busy with work and school so i’m stressed all the time and i eat all the time. and i’ve never had complete 8 hrs of sleep for the past 10 years I think. well at least not consistently. 

so again i’m on the heavier side. and i don’t love it but i don’t hate it either. i don’t punish myself over being overweight but as we all know, the outside world, social media and our surroundings, even those who love us, can have a tendency to make us feel bad about ourselves. 

i’m not sickly and i don’t just lie around. i do promise myself every now and then to be healthier because i’m not getting younger. i used to go to the gym and exercise and i used to run a lot but somehow due to some things that happened, there had to be changes in my life that changed all of those semblance of a lifestyle i used to have. i miss running but waking up early for a run is hard because i have work in the daytime and school at night. and there’s really no gym in the province and well even if there was, would you risk it in this pandemic? 

i try to exercise at home when i can. i love walking the dogs at night but not too far from the house of course. but i eat a lot so i guess not enough. 

so i’m on the heavier side. 

the point of this story is... 

one day, i had a meeting with the school administration as the student council president in our school on a weekend. 

at the end of the meeting, as i was saying my goodbye, the school director teased me about getting fatter or bigger. i laughed it off. but then he warned me that if i don’t slow down, i might become like the administrative staff of the school who happened to be there, implying that I was getting as big as her. 

i’m writing this not just out of irritation with what the director just said in front of this wonderful and smart woman who have helped so much during the meeting and would always be so helpful to all the law students, but out of disappointment to myself that I didn’t defend or helped her as much as I could have. Instead, I acted shocked and laughed with those teasing me as if out of habit...as if it was amusing to be compared to her. It took a few seconds before I could stop and realize what my denial or laughter could actually make her feel. And so I answered, “Ok lang naman po” [It would be fine]. 

But I really wish I could have confidently said, “There is nothing wrong with that. I would be honored to be as wonderful, smart and kind as her” because that’s the answer she deserved. 

[writing-underwater]

"But what is grief, if not love persevering"

- Vision (WandaVision Episode 08)

[writing-underwater]

Mom: Only by saving everyone else can you save you. Loving your Daddy was not for him, it was for me, because that love fills me up. Just like my love for you fills me up ... A.K.: what about me loving myself, Mama? Doesn't that count for anything? Mom: You'll never love yourself if you hurt people Anna Mae.

Annalise and her Mom, How To Get Away With Murder S05E13

This spoke to me on a different level because people always tell me about loving myself more when they see that it can get tiring for me when i make sacrifices for the people i love, but it’s hard to explain how those sacrifices also fills you up in a different way. it can be exhausting but it’s who you are. It’s just that we have to remind ourselves that we don’t make sacrifices to get praise or even gratitude but simply because of love. it doesn’t mean we give everything we have, there should always be a balance. We should always keep some love for ourselves.

[writing-underwater]

this is the 2nd year I'll be crying myself to sleep on my birthday ...

[writing-underwater]

10.16.19 LABOR

pit pat

i hear raindrops on the roof

pit pat pit pat

the sound is more insistent 

pit pat pit pat pit pat 

it’s raging out there

the class upstairs just finished

they walk happily out the building

pit pat pit pat

still the rage goes on

i’m scared

i can’t hear any of the words 

this man is speaking 

the rain keeps falling

this is a waste of time

he’s wasting his breath

pit pat pit pat

my heart is breaking

i need to run out

run outside

out of these hellish words

away from this hellish person

the bell rings

i walk as fast as i could

pit pat pit pat

i walk even faster

i take quick breathes

i stand still

pit pat pit pat

my tears keep falling...

[writing-underwater]

10.15.19 Under an umbrella

Someone pulled my hair today

She did it playfully

I remembered you used to do that

You did it once outside our house in Manila

My college teen self was embarrassed

So I kind of scolded you about it

I asked you not to do it anymore

not in public

or I’m just gonna walk away

But you pulled my hair again

Harder

Mocking me

I looked at you

stressed at first

But then I saw your face breaking into a smile

which made me smile also

even though i was angry just a few minutes ago

so you laughed

i laughed

we just started laughing

Not caring what anybody else thought

[writing-underwater]

10.04.19 Commuter Musings

Sometimes I’ll suddenly stare 

At an empty space,

Then I’ll think of you.

 I see your face,

As if it were only yesterday

That I last saw it.

Screw those who said

A simple object 

Could trigger a memory.

I did’t need an object.

All it took was a space,

A fucking space...