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it's all so tiresome

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Conversation with a Native Son: Maya Angelou and James Baldwin

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fuuuuck i just realized that the future idealized version of myself cant exist without current me being the catalyst for change and doing hard things. has anybody heard about this

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they should invent a 2025 where good things happen

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fuckkkk this week i have my appointment with my surgeon. I won't be able to go because i have an important job thing, so i've asked my dad to go (he said no but he will have to say yes) since all i need to know is why the fuck she told me the waitlist for surgery was one year in may of 2023 and i still haven't received any updates .

But yeah, things are getting bad again at home i guess? Some days are better because my sibling accepted a more stable job and if they do good, they might have a more stable source of income, and they will probably make more than me since they work night shifts sometimes. But the room they said they were moving into fell through so right now they have no plan of leaving. And i need to figure out how much money i could realistically spend on basic living (food, transportation, internet) so i know how much i can pay for rent. I also know that I can't get into something I can't afford and then ask my parents for money because 1) that's fucking stupid and 2) they're in the process of maybe hopefully building a house, so they can't be spending extra money now.

I have a friend who told me he was moving out of his house and for now he was staying at his cousin's, but he was considering that maybe a safe flat would be a good idea. Like having 2 or 3 people who have a stable source of income and can pay rent and then one or two people that can pay rent but maybe aren't as stable. I would have so much anxiety having to deal with having enough roommates to make rent, but hey i guess it beats being in your room trying to relax and having your sibling barge in, decide that their cat must be under your bed (she wasn't) and start throwing your things around and moving things out of the way. So yeah. Same old same old. I'm just tired

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so called free thinkers when h-o-t t-o g-o you can take me hot to go

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Yayyy i accidentally took my anxiety pill twice this morning and i'm feel so fucking sleepy and dizzy. I want to to throw up but i have a meeting now. Fuck this hell

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I got my tattoo today yayyy!

It looks sick as fuck and i love it

It doesn't go directly over the scar as i imagined it, and idk if that will end up bothering me but

1) the tattoo wasn't to cover up the scar, i'm proud of it and i don't mean to try and hide it

2) the scar is so light anyway that if you're not looking close you won't notice

3) it covers up the small tattoo i had that bothered me (it's under the purple/black part) and i thought it would look awkward or forced but it looks super good. You can't even tell it's there. I can't wait for it to heal up but. I'm so happy with it

I love all things colourful and almost all my tattoos are colour, but i thought it was special to get a rainbow tattoo on my top surgery scar because like. I'm not trying to hide that i'm trans, i'm trying to show i'm proud of it. I'm not willing to hide or back off. Hence rainbow.

For the design i told my artist they could do barbed wire or a branch with thorns, and then said maybe branch would look more natural? It has "a meaning" but it doesn't matter which one, just. Thorny. It's funny because i got the idea of tattooing over my top surgery scar like this a few months ago, maybe 6 months tops. My artist did a rainbow barbed wire heart that i sent to them as direct inspiration, and then a few weeks ago i had a revelation of how barbed wire/a thorny branch would be meaningful to me, and i was like that's it, i'm getting it. It's probably the most spur of the moment tattoo i've gotten, and i've gotten flash before. Like with flash i was like "i want something from this artist on this part of my body" so i had thought about it (and saved up for it). But this one was quite quick.

To be honest i think this will be like my phoenix tattoo: something that is partially meaningful, but mostly just pretty, and in 5 years i will be like "i'm proud i got this but i wouldn't choose this design now". But fuck 5-years-from-now Adri, he gets this sick as fuck tattoo and he has to deal with it.

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Two things that happened to me recently not related at all to each other:

First, very funny, i was at my friend's house, he was looking through his books because he's moving out. He looked at a fanzine that was called something like "i like you and don't know how to tell you" and then looked at me smiling. And he's autistic so i genuinely can't tell if i was just really dumb missing that someone was trying to flirt with me, or if he was just like "look at this cool fanzine"

Second, horrible, i hate it, i woke up today at 7AM because something touched my hand. When i opened my eyes, a fucking cockroach was walking on my hand and on my pillow. I was almost crying using the bug spray (the fucker didn't want to die) and then had to wash my hands and turn the pillow before i tried to sleep again. I'm in the country and the window was open so i'm thinking (i'm hoping) that it just came in through the window and i'm sleeping with the window closed today. But it's funny because i've spent the day looking at the many spiders around (there are so many!!! This is so cool!!!!) and i'm actually greeting my green fang tube web spider with "hello my love" every time i see her. But then a cockroach touches me and i cry. (To be fair why the fuck has it happened THREE fucking times that a cockroach has touched me, the first one is probably the root of my phobia, the other two are just them being mean to me.)

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its that time of the year

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Just to make things better, i am going to a friend's tomorrow from the country, but i have to stop by my house to get my meds that i forgot. And it's really really inconvenient. And i might see my sibling. So that's great.

But i'm drunk enough that i asked my friend to confirm the plan for tomorrow so at least i'll have that to hold onto if he does reply

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i need everyone to know that even if you like bears in trees i like them in a FAR more annoying and inconvenient way than you

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i need everyone to know that even if you like bears in trees i like them in a FAR more annoying and inconvenient way than you