veryperfecthonesty-blog

[veryperfecthonesty-blog]

I don’t like my dashboard yet

This blog was made for me to anonymously share... well, everything. I made it to just try out being honest. But while tumblr is an excellent platform for shouting into the void, that’s not really what it’s designed for. It shows me many default writing blogs and so on that I have no real interest in reading. Because everyone that I could consider a friend knows only one of the narratives of my life instead of the truth, there’s no real way for me to connect to any of them through this blog. As a result, even though I do have people that I sort of know (it’s hard to call them friends when I’ve fallen out of touch with most of then) that do have tumblr accounts, I can’t follow them on this account.

I plan on making another tumblr that will be consistent with my fake narrative that my friends that use tumblr know. I’ve made this one first, but it isn’t my first tumblr. The first tumblr that I made has only one or two posts and was abandoned without ever really connecting with people anyways. But I do plan on using tumblr as social media and possibly connecting with people with it, but for the people that I do actually know, I’ll be using one that has a narrative that I’ve already shared with them, like I’ve mentioned. A narrative where I’m successful and strong.

I also would like to try meeting people through here, but I suspect that I will only ever draw in other people that are seriously depressed and while I was, at one point, almost fully dysfunctional, right now I don’t think that I am. I’m just so far gone down my strings of lies that it feels impossible to tell the truth to anyone, and so habitual about my lying that it feels impossible to open up to anyone in person. 

I would like, at some point, to have friends that I will be honest with, but I don’t know how to get there and I don’t think that I’ll be able to share everything about my life with them.

[veryperfecthonesty-blog]

Some radical honesty

I am 28 years old and I cannot remember the last time that I have been perfectly honest with anyone. Even at a very young age, I would lie casually. Telling the truth was simply never natural to me the way that it seems to be with most people, and when I thought that telling a lie would cause people to like me more or respect me more then that’s what I’d do.

It’s long since become instinctual. I have multiple stories about my life, depending on where I am and who I’m talking with, and I’ve very frequently been in situations where the lie that I’ve told was actively worse for me than telling the truth would have been, but once I’ve told it, well, that was it. It was easier to build on the story than admit that I just lied for effectively no reason.

I’m not really sure where I want this post to start, chronologically. Maybe I can start from my current situation and work backwards. Along the way, I can perhaps try to expose some of the stories that I’ve told and where there are lies.

So. Right now. I am 28 years old. I will be 29 in November. Most of my work colleagues believe that I’m younger. I live in Sacramento, and I have an entry level position with the State government. My position doesn’t require a college degree, which is good because I don’t have one. My coworkers and manager believe that I do, but because it was not part of my application, it’s never needed to be verified.

I was expelled from my university for poor academic performance. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do the classes; I simply stopped attending, but still enrolled in courses and received 0s on them. I was expelled on the same semester that I would have graduated had I actually been taking and passing classes. I had not been attending for the last year, if I recall correctly, but my memory of that time period is actually pretty fuzzy since I was in a fairly depressed state. My parents, the rest of my family, and any ‘friends’ that I was close to all believe that I graduated and simply elected to not take part in the ceremony. This was over 6 years ago at this point, though. So much for reverse chronology.

As I’ve mentioned, right now I work at an entry level position in Sacramento. I have a second job, which I actually need in order to be able to afford literally anything beyond the bare minimum of rent and car payments, which is in the Bay Area. An hour and a half commute in the morning, closer to two hours coming home in the evening when there’s a bit of traffic. That second job is where I had been working for the past six years. It’s another no-skill-required position, but one where, by virtue of having been there long enough, I had put in enough hours to be good at my work. I get paid $19.50 an hour for that job, and the equivalent of $18 an hour at my current one. But it also comes with benefits, including health insurance, which is important, and the housing in Sacramento is inexpensive enough that I can afford my own apartment. I needed my own apartment because the room that I had in Berkeley, in a two bedroom apartment shared by 3 people, one of whom occupied the living room, was not suited for company, and I felt the need to impress a girl. 

That Girl.

She saved my life without actually ever realizing it. She believed that I was smart, confident, and successful rather than depressed, worthless, and making less than an army recruit. In order to prove that story to her, I had to keep doing more. I had to have my own place and I had to have my own car. I told a story about a very impressive job in Sacramento and I followed through with the move. 

Of course in doing so I moved away from her. She moved a little further away from me. She got a boyfriend. He was abusive and cheated on her. She broke up with him. This all happened within the course of less than 6 months. My move, her move, her entire bad relationship. We’ve met up a few times, because driving two hours to see her is nothing when she’s the reason that I’ve managed to move on from where I was trapped. A few times is maybe selling it short. Every few weeks. We used to meet every week. I feel that if I keep writing, that I will start to lie so I will post what I’ve shared now and hope to add more later.