viaslibrary

[viaslibrary]

Is there something evil about serving people? Is putting on airs, never cracking a smile, such a virtuous thing? What I'm trying to say is this. Pomposity, pretentiousness, and the art of making others ill at ease: these are things I cannot bear.

Dazai Osamu, "Cherries" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

[Tokyo] It reminds me of that one saying: Only death can cure a fool. A little change wouldn't hurt; in fact, one feels justified in expecting it.

Dazai Osamu, "Merry Christmas" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

The day after the announcement, my brother began weeding his garden. I lend a hand. "When I was young," he said, pulling up a clump of weeds. "I thought an overgrown garden had a certain charm of its own, but since I've gotten older, it bothers me to see so much as a single weed out here." I wondered if that meant I, even at my age, was still young. I still like old, untended gardens overgrown with weeds.

Dazai Osamu, "Garden" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

I was looking at Fuji through the window. Fuji stood there impassive and silent. I was impressed. "not bad, eh? There's something to be said for Fuji after all. It knows what it's doing." It occurred to me that I was no match for Fuji. I was ashamed of my own fickle, constantly shifting feelings of love and hatred. Fuji was impressive. Fuji knew what it was doing. "It know's what it's doing?" Nitta seemed to find my words odd. He smiled sagaciously. Whenever Nitta came to visit me from then on, he brought various youths with him. They were all quiet types. They called me Sensei, and I accepted that with a straight face. I have nothing worth boasting about. No learning to speak of. No talent. My body's a mess, my heart impoverished. Only the face that I've known suffering, enough suffering to feel qualified to let these youths call me Sensei without protesting - that's all I have, the only straw of pride I can cling to. But it's one thing I'll never let go of. A lot of people have written me off as a spoiled, selfish child, but how many really know how I've suffered inside?

Dazai Osamu, "One Hundred Views of Mount Fuji" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

But I discovered that, for me, what might become art was not the scenery of Tokyo, but the "I" inside the scenery. Had I been deluded by art? Had I deluded art? Conclusion: Art is "I."

Dazai Osamu, "Eight Views of Tokyo" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

The literary world pointed at me and said I had talent but lacked morality, but I believed it was the other way around: I had the seeds of morality, but no talent. I do not possess what is called "Literary genius." I know no technique other than to ram ahead with my entire being. I'm boorish and unrefined. One of those who adhere with misguided scrupulousness to the rigid ethic of earning one's own livelihood, but who despairs living up to that ethic and ends up behaving in the most shameless, self-degradating way.

Dazai Osamu, "Eight Views of Tokyo" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

But how much appeal would Fuji hold for one who's never been exposed to such popular propaganda, for one whose heart is simple and pure and free of preconceptions? It would, perhaps, strike that person as almost pathetic, as far as mountains go.

Dazai Osamu, "One Hundred Views of Mount Fuji" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

I resolved that I, as one of the fools, one of the doomed, would faithfully play out the role in which fate had cast me, the sad, servile role of one who must inevitably lose.

Dazai Osamu, "Eight Views of Tokyo" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

I was of a mind to write about him shortly after his death, but when I thought it over and realized that I was not alone in having experienced this sorrow, that everyone goes through the same sort of thing when someone close to them dies, and that it would be an insult to readers to display these feelings as if only I had the right to them, I found myself shrinking before the task. Keiji died at four a.m. this morning.

Dazai Osamu, "My Eldest Brothers" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

"He's grown more and more plebeian, hasn't he?" I sometimes get wind of such mindless backbiting, and each time I do, I hear my heart's vehement response: I was plebeian from the beginning. You didn't notice? You've got it all backwards. When I was prepared to make literature my life's work, the fools agreed I'd soon be put in my place. I could only smile to myself. Perennial youth is the realm of the actor. It doesn't exist in the world of letters.

Dazai Osamu, "Eight Views of Tokyo" in Self Portraits

[viaslibrary]

Beneath the dim electric light, my brother had made me go through the drawers in his room and dispose of various letters and notebooks he'd kept, gazing at me in a bemused sort of way as I ripped the papers to shreds and sobbed uncontrollably. I felt as if he and I were the only two people on earth.

Dazai Osamu, "My Elder Brothers" in Self Portraits.

[viaslibrary]

"I go about saying how pained and tormented, how lonely and sad I feel, but what do I really mean by that? If I were to speak the truth, I would die."

Dazai Osamu, Schoolgirl.

[viaslibrary]

"No matter how selfish I am, I will never do anything to make myself a laughingstock — even in my pain and loneliness, I will still protect what is important."

Dazai Osamu, Schoolgirl.

[viaslibrary]

"It made me miserable that I was rapidly becoming an adult and that I was unable to do anything about it. I suppose there is no choice but to give myself over to what is happening, to wait and see as I become a grown up."

Dazai Osamu, Schoolgirl.

[viaslibrary]

"I want to be a good daughter whose feelings are in perfect sync with Mother's, and just because of that, I go to these absurd lengths to please her."

Dazai Osamu, Schoolgirl.

[viaslibrary]

"You wait and wait for happiness, and when you finally can't bear it any longer, you rush out of the house, only to hear later that a marvelous happiness arrived the following day at the home you had abandoned, and now it was too late. Sometimes happiness arrives one night too late."

Dazai Osamu, Schoolgirl.

[viaslibrary]

"If you were to point to a mountain and say, If you make it there, it's a pretty good view, I'd see that there's not an ounce of untruth to what you tell us. But when you say, well, bear with it just a little longer, if you can make it to the top of that mountain, you'll have done it, you are ignoring the fact that we are suffering from a terrible stomachache — right now."

Dazai Osamu, Schoolgirl.