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i might get sniped for this but it's worth it

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You should've stayed.

December 12th, Tuesday morning after the party, 9:27am.

Before opening her personal journal you've seen Ellie carry around like a lifeline, even on patrols (?), you let out a fat yawn and languishly stretch in her unpropped bed from the previous ten minutes you just woken up from. The faint smell of burnt wood and winter breath coats your nostrils, a chill snaking at your spine up your shoulder hinting Ellie might’ve forgotten to add some more dry wood last night in the furnace but you knew you would be the one to blame for that. The souvenir of yesterday’s night still ambushing your senses, the warmth of your limbs entangled like a puzzle under the four blankets you purposely brought at her place a few months back as she always complained about being chilly during the night, although you’re the same and shudder under your crocheted blanket every other night. Her pillow lingering her essence. A redolence you've grown too familiar with. too fond of. hooked. 

Tilting your head to the side and peeking above the kitchen counter mindlessly through lidded gaze, you can hear the shower running and it’s your cue to hurry. You prop yourself on your knees still on her bed and lean forward reaching for her dear journal neatly placed beside her half lit flower lamp Maria brought her about five years ago after a three weeks long scavenging hunt near Green River boarding Utah, not so far from Jackson.

Not even two weeks after your unexpected arrival, you found yourself admiring her undeniable collection of space books. A stark contrast from the ones you read, you thought. Some drawings she drew herself hanging right by the side of her library. One shining brighter than the others and you instantly knew it would become your favorite. She’s shying behind you quietly, looking at her feet and kicking imaginary rocks. Letting you marvel at her creations, your fingers grazing over a watercolor portrait of Joel, she takes it upon herself and lets her eyes wander to the way you carelessly bunned your hair before coming over. Just how your choice of clothing kisses your body flawlessly. Fuck, you’re wearing the same exact shoes as her. Something she doesn’t know is that Joel actually sneaked in her place and stole a pair of converse to give to you last week. Of course you didn’t know, but you were about to. Maybe.

‘Hey,’ Barely hearable, she clears her throat. ‘did Maria give you those?’

You shift on your feet, brows knitting ever so slightly together as your eyes land on hers. 

‘What?’ Letting your eyes fall to your feet, then back at her. ‘Those? No, no, Joel gave them to me last week’

‘Last week?’ She parrots a bit too quickly but you dryly scoff at that.

 “M’yeah…Problem?” 

The corner of her lips tugs just enough you notice the small wrinkles it reveals at the corner of her eyes. “No, no. Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

You mirrored her a sneer, your eyes darting behind her landing on that said lamp.

“Holy shit, no way-” You once stole a lamp resembling this exact one back when you squatted in camps after camps in Vancouver but you never thought you’d fall upon one ever again. Even before the outbreak, those were just stupid and beautiful treasures kept hidden. Ellie goes on and on saying how she got it and how thankful she was towards Maria for it and there it was. That barely noticeable twang coiling at the bottom of your core from the mere honey sounds of her voice and just how much 

full of life she harmonizes her tone and stories together.

You blink away that first real conversation you had with her still lingering behind your eyes like the orange fading in the sunset. Always coming back but eventually fading. Turning your head towards the kitchen again, you hear the squeak of the champlure turning off from the bathroom just at the same time. 

‘Fuck.’ Blurting out a swear, you don’t waste another second before your fingers are already turning pages after pages landing on the one of today. Ellie always had this manner of writing the dates and times of each journal entry so it doesn’t take you forever to find it luckily. 

What am I even doing? Does she realize what she’s doing? 

Stupid questions

I’m stupid to think this could’ve been something. I’m selfish.

Selfish? About fucking what, you thought. Questions? Does she question herself on the same thing you do? Questions, questions, fucking questions. Your face contorting the more and more you read, the more and more your eyes keep sliding over her morally wrongful words. 

I keep holding my breath around her. I think she noticed.

But I also think she didn’t realize I noticed her too.

What was last night supposed to be?

Why did i let her kiss me in front of fucking everyone. Fuck.

I hate this, I hate the good coming out of it. 

I shouldn’t deserve this.

I’m getting involved in something I'm afraid I have no idea about. 

What’s next? What should I fucking do next? 

Nothing. I want to do nothing. I just want it to disappear. 

I just want her words to get the fuck out of my mind. 

Why did her hand have to fit so perfectly in mine? 

Where’s the fucking joke?

“y/n, What’re you doing with that?!” Ellie’s voice cut right through your thoughts. Every one of these written words spinning uncontrollably in your mind. You can hardly make out Ellie taking steps towards you as tears swell up.  

“wha-” You start, confuse and mostly just fucking lost but barely can you finish before the whole atmosphere of the room shifts as soon as that one swift move could be felt on the back of your hand from Ellie ripping away the diary from you.

Your aching gaze fixated on her hard one. There’s no denying that what you did was a pure invasion of privacy but again, what was keeping her from telling you all of this? Even in the midst of all this, you still can’t make out a worthwhile reason why. But you’re sure as shit you won’t get the explanation you want judging from how hard she’s trying to breathe correctly, how it shows on her face that her thoughts can’t stay tamed. In an embarrassing attempt, you push yourself up the bed raising a hand towards Ellie. “El–”

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

Both of you turn your heads toward the garage door and unconsciously you wipe away any tears that dared to shed. 

Meanwhile, Ellie’s demeanor didn’t change one bit. Not even a speck of compassion behind her eyes right now. 

“Yeah, what?”

She shouts as she walks up to the door and peeks through the curtains subtly. 

“Time's up girls! Patrol's scheduled for 0800 this morning so… hurry the fuck up, y’all are already late as it is”

Ellie rolls her eyes but still doesn’t open the door and instead opt to put on her boots. This damned silence is killing you and you’re not even sure yourself what you should say.

“In a minute, alright, Jesse.” 

You answered against your best judgement, your voice sounding hurried.

First fic yall and couldn't really figure out how to present and post it as one 😭 so here's a glimpse of my work. english ain't my first language so feel free to comment anything useful

mwah x

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@nramvv ty for blessing us with this fanart ( no but in all seriousness, this is amazing )

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Whatever keeps the fandom alive

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great minds think of dykes

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this frame is diabolical shut the fuck up

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shout out to hairy dykes. dykes with a bush, dykes with hairy armpits, dykes with a happy trail. shout out to dykes with a happy trail and uhhh yeah dykes with happy trails. shout out to butches with happy trails and

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Maggie Smith, “Wild”, Goldenrod

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Alejandra Pizarnik, tr. by Yvette Siegert, from “Psychopathology Ward”, Extracting the Stone of Madness: Poems 1962 - 1972

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Loser!ellie x afab!reader fic in prod 🤭 lmk if y’all want me to put it out!

!never written a single fic in my life so I’m not basing myself on anything!

first time writing one after TWO YEARS and English isn’t my first language so y’all be nice 😔🙏

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Dolly's it's 1:07 a.m. rn, so I decided to document how shitty my sleep schedule is by posting when I sleep

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Edward Hirsch, from "The Widening Sky", Lay Back the Darkness