videosthatmightsurvive

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Justin kept coming unto me. I kept telling him no and to wait for his wife. After bothering me without pause I consented. Later, I blocked him from any move strategically by taking him in a motorcycle to a destination. His wife was really paranoid about him cheating. She asked and I denied because I really didn't see a few pecks as a really big deal. She later got access to my phone and then threatened to expose me, but so many people stood up by my side and threatened her and said she was getting her karma for the way she got him. I was pretty ballsy and told her what I thought and she cowered a bit. (I put my own self into a corner. I muted my own voice to fight against the storm. I thought she deserved it.)

I was kissing his broken wounds, he begged me to make better. I couldn't deny his request after groveling in my bed. He would get just a few.

He represented the broken part of my ego. My ego gave up after a long battle. He was hungry and he was overwhelmed, starving for water he never got to have in his life. I have him a bit against my better judgement. (Then I realized he wasn't my ego that needed nursing. He was the Monster that looked like me in a split second.)

His wife represented the strict part of me, that followed the books and the rule to a T. She usually keeps me in line, but she wasn't there that day to save me from slipping up.

She was really angry and livid that I stepped out of line. She wanted to teach me a lesson.

I think this is symbolic of the military and the relationships afterwards that I would say yes to. It would start off as no, but when they kept pushing I just couldn't deny it. There were times that I was really successful with my no's, but when people looked less threatening id naturally say yes. If they looked as the boy groveling in my bed, a person I knew was good then I'd say yes. I'd submit. Once I said yes, I would say yes to a lot of crazy things that went against my morals. It felt like a huge self betrayal with punishments that never ended. The wife finally awoke. She woke up a little too late. It felt like she was reprimanding me along with the storm. Maybe she also represented my mother. When your mom tries to protect you, but she looks the other way because she feels safe.

The no's and the persistence of men in my life, I think it symbolized this neverending chase. Running forever that you kind of get tired of running and the starvation confuses you because your body is without water that you start to hallucinate your reality. Whatever that mirage is, you believe whatever it says and you take the poison because you need to live.

There was a flood everywhere and I took charge for the safety of everyone. There was a giant turtle in the water. Later cheetah's were on the loose. I began trying to work out the rifle in my home. A cheetah came and I was able to twist his neck over and over again until he went limp. There was a baby in a plastic bag and another cheetah caught it. For the most part I was able to save everyone.

This cheetah really symbolizes deceit and my flight against it. I have to be true to myself to defeat the lion after me. I defeated one cheetah, but another one came after my baby.

God will give me another seed to grow in my womb and she'll be stronger than the baby I sacrificed in myself.

She'll pay my debt as I change.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Maile got me prepared for my birthday. Marjorie followed us wanting to be served a particular way. Maile was a bit annoyed with her. We went to the dorms looking for our cousins. We ended up in the wrong room. I was asking Maile if we could care for her and take her home. She was about to faint and upset that young people weren't respecting her. Maile told me to leave her. She could figure things out.

I needed the vulnerability of something to pull her shadow into the light. I was failing and I needed something more than just this binding mold surrounding my every move.

I needed to be softer than the intrusion. I needed relieving hands. Not my own, but someone who could pull her out of me.

Soft, soft, soft. Any other way and she'd lash at my bones. A soft pull, a soft bend. A softer mind. A softer body bending into the figurine hands. Soft, soft, soft.

Some of my siblings came over to celebrate my birthday. Motira sang for me and I gave her an awkward hug.

Why do I need to be here? My memory is berating me in sounds I'd rather not peel. The dripping cold cave of her muse. Why is she back here fondling with my music, rearranging my tracks? Reminding me of memories pulling our past into cold waters. Smaller Icicles pull at my hair crowning my history. My eyes water the blue. I wanted to hide these secrets under my melanin. I don't want the transparent waters freezing my life like a museum. I want to come home to my body. My body won't come back home for me.

I was watching my little brother and we were preparing to fly back home.

Close your eyes on the flight. They can't bother you on the screens of the night. You're following the sound of her pattering child. He's awkward in the big world. Pulling you in between spaces to find a treasure you can't find tonight. You sit together soft in the commotion of hustlers. Little seasons were led by little legs leading our closed flight.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

There were so many parasites on the floor. I called the girls to warn them. Manon said I was boring when we went around the room saying nice things about eachother.

I spent my time looking at things from an angle that I believed annoyed people. No one could see what I could see. I could see people's maggots inside of them. No one wanted to be warned.

The maggots may have been voices of warning that people silenced and shamed in a corner of oblivion. I couldn't speak on what was hurting us all. It was a tight braid of generational secrets cursing every oblivious minds that consented to everyone's downfall.

Manon was a person that lived a life in the present that gave her happiness that came in unawares of a reality that was too boring and frivolous to uncover. The conscience closed off any insight to continue the play before the consequences appeared in waves undeniable. No one will find how their secrets led us down this road. People wanted to dance without being accosted until the maggots caught up to them.

I was the unconscious, and the world in the conscience could only accept their fawning of reality even as it crippled their bones into a death of maggots. They would blame others, for their own dismissal of a train blaring a warning sign. No one listened. You can't dance forever in the sun without seeing the shadow that wants to be found.

I took some sweet potatoes from a neighbors yard, and my brother's decide to steal even more. It was very annoying, but hypocritical of me to complain. I started a cycle that they copied and paste.

I made a split decision that I thought was best in front of my siblings. I did not mean for kids to follow suit in a manner that was unhealthy.

They never listened to what I said. They copied my shadow instead.

I took Ally to see her Grandmother and she asked if I could massage her later. Of course, I obliged. I saw my brother sleeping in the available bed.

I was being nice. Almost coached into a space that was expected from me.

Beyonce did a bunch of shopping at Walmart and everything she bought was exquisite. She asked me to help her put her stuff away and then decided to put it away herself. Our closet was full, so she found an empty bin to put her stuff in and it all fit.

Nice and fancy expressions were the only acceptable form of nuance.

Nothing new was welcomed. No new translations, just old and haggard songs they wanted me to play.

I wanted to be this resilient against the noise of obesciance. It was too much the accumulated drag of shadows.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

A family built their empire on lies and dead bodies of the past they couldn't run from. The parents have the waterfront which was the only thing that binded this family together. Other than that there was nothing else but an image of a culture and a comforting pristine community to protect that was never stable due to drug associations threaded into this town that was impossible to escape. The blood ran thicker with every lie that began innocently until their hands were in too deep. Blood was the only reason to be loyal to the family name. The community was a front for the image everyone wanted to protect even as they despised it. No one could run from their monsters, so they created more in the process of saving their name and town they relied on for life.

We don't force our demons out. We let them come when they are ready to be seen and experienced fully without judgement.

She was stuck in the horror scene of her grandfather being brutalized.

Trying to fix something that was impossible to fix.

His story is still fresh in my mind. I don't know the ins and out of his trauma--his shame. His degradation cuts more on the outside than even his alcoholic sister who never had the same footing. It's a sad site. The trauma unresolved in their parents and grandparents--everything they normalized bit into their children's shamed reality. They were reliving that pain over and over again under their parents lead. There was no out.

An outside light makes it in the door. Cane can't understand why he stays. What can he have when the kids have no true freedom. I guess you can't really pick your family. In most cases, they choose us, in our crazy, our incompetence, our lowliness. They stay.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Little me was dressed in a lab coat and lab glasses in her orb ready for her training to begin. She was dressed very sleek and was happy to be near Christ.

The images changed from an older perspective of explicit images. I trained myself to find her. She ran in the storm to her car soaking and she hid and cupped herself on the floor away from the shadows she didn't want to remember.

Do those shadows walk into a body of another? Do they speak in undertones we don't want to hear. Are they watching sounds we can't hear? If those shadows took form, how would I romanticize their world, so I couldn't stand in the dark? If they were roaming near me, what lies would I say to keep you clean? I could make light out of darkness, isn't that what they all say? I had to dig at the layers of light to walk in the core of what was dark in you. If I found your secret, I could release you.

When the beauty of what is dark collides, it doesn't collide by accident, but for evolution.

She saw an orb of herself in HD. She was towering almost as a giant. It seemed to tower over her. She recognized that it wasn't her it was the power of Holy Spirit representing Christ over all the tiny dementors of the past that fell. His light was bigger. I had to envision it at my spiritually mature level. I couldn't move past the first image I was given (Ark of the covenant) you can't look past your own limitations. There is a stone in the eyes that are immature. It can only take on so much light. You don't have to see any more but light & Spirit. You can control it so that it's small and not overbearing your mind.

She was crying. She didn't want to explore her dementors. She just wanted her visceral images gone. She felt hostage to them.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

I lifted the leaves to find a sad girl that always leaves people behind

I saw a new girl studying with much light. That light was her faith in Jesus Christ and the different stones to light again.

Stone 1: Disappointing People

Book of Mormon: Coming of a Messiah

Redemption of the World

Tender Mercies of the Lord

Stone 2: I keep wasting my plans and spending so much money and effort on ideas that don't work.

Mighty unto the Power of Deliverance

Gratitude: I added more to my gratitude prayer with God. I'm grateful for my husband being on my side, in spite of the problems I give him. I found the answer to my prayers as I wrote my feelings to God. I felt so grateful for part of the dead energy in my tooth to have finally been pulled at the same time that I was able to shift my mind again to the Book of Mormon to rediscover Christ and the Tree of Life of His Healing. I believe after I wrote about my Mom, I was ready to turn a new leaf, but change requires much reconstruction. I'll be having my bottom teeth aligned before a new foundation is put into place and how I want to care for that area spiritually, emotionally and physically. I want to care for that girl that has been burning and in fire. I want her to trust me. Just entering a different physical space from the previous dental experience into this new one was like elevating into another sacred space. I felt like I was entering a new phase of life. One that I didn't think I deserved, but now I feel great. I can contribute to a beautiful world as I continue to heal.

Stone 3: I have no idea what to do with our Peyton. He's connected to my trauma. I have a trauma lock with him. He reminds me of my brother and the part of me I try to keep locked away for everyone's sake.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream 1: Etita wanted more freedom

I was cleaning our house and reorganizing my dad's CD's into a cd case to make his life easier. Riina had bought a skateboard.

These comforting chairs in the theater. I've always loved order. I wished my life was as perfect as this sea of green. Organizing my parents life made me feel out of order in a way. I could only look back at our lives to make sense of our lives. I could see myself in another timeline, older and more refined putting my life back together like a movie. Sitting in this chair, refined a bit. It's interesting to walk backwards in timelines and see what was ridiculous and completely out of order looking in today's world, and what wasn't that I might have missed back then.

Some kid was suspiciously spying when we were collecting data on the space

When I was young, I started to explore the space whether or not it was allowed or not. I wanted to experience another life in my own way and my curiosities led me to do things I probably would never do when you know better. I was a spy looking for another life to enter and claim whether it was in movies, books, magazines, or homes I snooped in. I loved the library, I loved the stores, I loved the game room. Any place, but mines I romanticized. When my cousins told us we were limited, I somehow believed that. Maybe it wasnt true. Just being in any space helped me to collide with many more and it helped me see the world. Staying curious today about the past. I sure would love a different life when I loved back then. We change and we get to recover our childhood again. I wanted to stay in that space.

I was at a family reunion that wasn't mine. We were doing formation stretches that were synchronized. Wesley threw me up in the air.

Wesley was a giant and he took care that I was flying right on par in every scene. I needed to get off the Giants back and start living my life.

I was confused at the synchronicity that wasn't truly mines. I was living someone else's life it seemed. The canvas belonged to someone else and I was being flounced in this scenery whether or not I wanted to or not.

There were lives we were interested in, but the one we landed on was like a dream. It made the search challenging. I wanted to be innately rebellious against this town, but the order was so tight in this space that no one could've moved. The one everyone accepted between the lines dulled the natural way we were meant to move.

My legs kept coming back to this order. It was grooved so succinctly. I needed to stop this rigid dance. I wanted to operate a different way. I had to change before anything good could happen.

The crazy pieces were there and getting ready. I saw Savannah. She was completing something.

Savannah was someone building her life in a life that wasn't completely hers. She built over it all, in it all until it was hers. All hers. Synchronized with the new world the way she wanted. Savannah was a road to a new freedom. She was making a new path under the sun framing new shadows before the sun closed its borders.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream 1:

We were at Taylor's house. Kylie gave her a blueberry cake. She liked it and I asked if I could have a piece. She looked at me strange and gave me the smallest piece on her finger pulling it apart making my piece even smaller. The piece she offered while still pulling more out to feed herself was not enough. We were in her big house but our lives were so limited to a slice of her shared space, and to give that little was normalized in the echoing mansion. I needed to be grateful for specks of icing on my cheek. She didn't bat an eyelash, though I was a bit dumbfounded hands frozen in a glass house I couldn't touch.

This reminds me of my childhood and experience everywhere I went where the charity I was given didn't make me feel equal and a part of the whole. I was granted an invitation to share space in, but wow that little was very little. I was shocked with how little there was to spare even in the abundance. This was my experience in church where little was granted in God's vineyard that was overflowing. I couldn't have access to most places or people. They could only see me one way. Frozen inside of a glass house that wasn't mines.

God will grow something so small. He'll make sure that a small fly has wings.

I was deeply worried in primary that I was relearning the same principle of charity where I offer a little cake. An ounce of icing that was barely God. I have this fear that I will become her.

I saw a homeless man, I gave him 5dollars as he limped with sad eyes. He looked inside our car to see that we would be well fed. We drove away. He needed my food. I wished I gave it to him. We drove off sad. That's not normal for us all to turn off our lights while others go hungry thinking about their next meal, but I didn't eat the whole day. Tomorrow I'll be getting an extraction.

I was looking for some breakfast and then Taylor said she'd cook crepes for us. A little girl kept spilling the flour. I contained her in a corner. Etita wanted to give her a bit more freedom.

My mind worked overtime in primary. I realized I was doing the same thing to my kid who was a bit rambunctious. I was trying to contain him in his messy language and expression instead of just being. I was repeating cycles.. Cycles that didn't need to return in a small room.

Etita was granting her room to fumble in the winds. I wanted that freedom, but I was stuck on a clock ticking backwards reminding me what I didn't need to remember. How do you go back to claim her if all she ever did was run.

We left home. I was ignoring my mom. She was giving too much pressure, expecting too much from me.

You can never be too old to pick flowers. To relieve your dream of peace and plenty without the care to sorrow. I should be laying flowers for the dead in this scene. Maybe I'll graduate to arranging the field of flowers on our kitchen table. I needed to make peace with the dead, but nothing ever dies. They wait to be reclaimed. They wait for a turn of sacrifice, maybe that's why they run. They didn't want to be replaced with anything new, and I had to chime in to persuade the shadows to lure themselves out to air they couldn't breathe to trust when the tune changes it transforms forever.

Her eyes can drip

We were at a camp and I was overwhelmed with trying to keep Momo safe

I don't want to repeat this cycle with the kid I have.

To be stuck in time thinking about survival. I want to think of life.

He was at a camp. (The perfect camp site ambience)

I need to help my child feel safe. She must be first in line. I should be thinking of s'mores and campfires not danger or wildfires. I wanted my alarms to subside into waves rushing ashore speaking to my nerves a language I'd rather explore in the calm breeze and warm filled sun. I didn't want to be freaked out in every page of the unknown when I was trained before lightning. It wasn't the kids playing mercilessly before the storm. It was me. It was me that needed saving here. The storm wasn't my life. She wasn't my responsibility. She was the rage I never felt. The clouds I couldn't bear. The strike I should've used. The fear I thought was everything. Some people were singing in the storm, and I had to stop crying with her. The kids were singing, but all I did was cry. When she offered to drum my anger, to play in the dark one last time. Perhaps she was saying forget about the noise in your bones. The creaking sounds don't matter. Let the door fall on its hinges. Let the windows shatter and the screams ring louder. Sit quietly in the dark. Let me in where your deep secrets roam. Let me pull out your monsters one by one. They're not meant to be stronger than me. Let me clean your tears with roaring oceans. Nothing is ever meant to be louder than your dying foes. Meet me by lightning. Enough with the sad eyes protecting. Let go of your songs that stopped singing. Buy your s'mores and Oreo ice cream. Just for a day.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

My husband was mean to me and I hid in the closet. We saw our dad. We were back home at Palekahana. My dad and brother found an owl and they were handling it in a way I didn't agree with. I felt like it was animal abuse. I was surprised how comfortable it was. It had a condition where the feathers were preventing it from seeing. They took the feathers off and were grooming it a certain way that she couldn't see again.

This represents the cycle of my masculinity and power I struggle and feel helpless as it overrides overrides my well being.

The owl represents delicacy, purity with its white skin, vulnerability with its smallness innocence with its blindness and wisdom,

I felt the owl was being contained by bigger broader masculine forces shutting me down.

I'm grateful to see my beauty and tenderness.

I went to the beach and confronted my husband because he took my dad's car. They were throwing golf balls. I was catching most. I upped the challenge and began to almost pretend I was catching them all while they were cheering. It was a losing battle. I was willing I win, but I was losing more than gaining.

This feels like an impossible mission. I had to make up for a stupid decision that someone made. Debt & Fish

I'm grateful that I had strength to catch as many balls as I could.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Glistening Fire:

Her Tongue sticks out.

She cries with haggard eyes. The pain of bones. The gongs and bells vibrating a mystery.

Sticks and stones, they hurt your bones, but words they really need you.

Turn your sticks into art.

She's pulling water, but the bucket is empty and her eyes turn black

Yesterday, I picked up a friend and I was so grateful to God for that experience. She had such a soft nurturing voice, but she was in another reality. She was instantaneously speaking about being hacked by a neighbor. Right then I knew she had a schizophrenic moment and it needed to come out, because her body needed that purge. I was grateful I had that moment. Even though, I couldn't fully meet her. It was a really sacred moment. My sister in her most sacred suffering had kept a part of her soul before she turned and after she changed that part was no longer there to keep her alive and stay conscious with us. I saw it again in my friend. I saw that light.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Fire: I couldn't find her. She came back as an illusion of attractive water.

Siren:

She was hiding in grand places and images she couldn't leave. I learned to subdue the power of my obesciance to call upon the siren before me. Her elegance was my comfort.

Trigger: Watching Con Man made me realize I was in one relationship. The fable of my husband. I wanted to be integral to my bill. 16,000$ But my husband wasn't going to comply.

Water: I was holding her hand. The little girl with fire in her hands over her entire being. My hands were wounded keeping her close to me. She tried to download in my eyes what she could see. My eyes were burning with flames but I couldn't see past the flames.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream 1:

I was with my brother and he wanted to look into what I was using. It was something whole. This dream repeated itself, but I can't remember her. I was ensuring her wholeness.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream 1:

Brother Martin was working on a field. He could see from his camera all the problems people would bring to his field. He came out to autocorrect. He was also upset with someone who was a drug dealer bringing an illness to his wife. She just started feeling really terrible.

Fight/Protect/Clean

I was here again cleansing our story- saving our vineyard. The vineyard that didn't want to be saved. I looked for the gremlins who did this to you. I came out of the woods and into the space that no man should touch. Those hands that brought rage back into your bones. Your suffering I could hear miles away. The hauntings of your whisper staying in my mind. I secured every spot from invaders and intruders. In the vineyard your pain they'll never understand. They'll speak too casually over your hearing ears. They'll step on your bones ignoring your moans. They'll strip you away from your needs. They'll never know how much water you actually need. They'll label you a taker with greed. They'll ignore your chapped lips, your blistered eyes and say that you've always been a monster. They'll prefer their blooming beauties and compare your starving tongue to their ease. They'll mock you for begging in corners. But I'll be here, I'll be here stopping their dry offerings. I'll be here speaking your name until they can see that you're not a monster. You're just like me.

Spirit Message: Master Ko {TT}

I'm starting to understand that I am already one with the world. If I want to be one with the world I have to walk in the suffering of the world.

Dream 2:

Me and my cousin were going back in time. It was just like Harry Potter where they went to the loo and when they flushed it and they were transported back in time. Mines was filled with dirty sewage water. I did not want to sit down. It was overflowing. After we got transported I was filled with muck. My cousin said nothing touched her. I had to shower and find new pairs of clothes.

Avoid/Flight/Clean the Debris

This task was more than I could manage. It made me sick and embarrassed to come out of my stall with visible stains that I could not perform the same way, with the same task and be unaffected. I was embarrassed and feeling vulnerable that I wanted to leave all this behind, if it was an option. If life didn't have to be this messy...but it is. It's really messy. What they want us to endure without any breaking bones. You'll smell the reality of our lives will be the reality of yours.

Dream 3:

I was surrounded by doors with male youths who were programming their lives to begin their day. I left their corridor to find new and available ones near entrance doors where I could key in my identity and assignment. I passed a crowd of youth, and another lone male in his youth excited for his assignment in his own corridor to get to my own. A really huge intruder came and I immediately went to work to get rid of the threat. I took his big body and slammed it over again until he was unconscious. He was like a big ogre, my own oversized Stitch. People were shocked that I was capable of such a thing. I knew they saw me as that monster, I was trying to protect everyone else from. I ran away to look at the stars alone for the day with sadness.

Fight/Study/Outcasted/My methods scare people/Alone/Flight

I was already fighting contamination, and my own stitch on top of the mess that people felt needed pristine hands. We didn't see the same threat.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream:

My sister and I showed up for duty. She didn't want to stay. I asked them to look at my records and they said my term was complete. I was ecstatic. My sister had two more years. I saw autistic people there and got excited.

I believed I did everything the right way. I kept my integrity. I did the hardest thing first. I was rewarded in the end.

This picture reminded me of depression and the hard times that are gloomy. The food was a promise I was given and how I wished it would come. The waterfall was the actual blessing of God's greater love.

Karena was there and she cried. My sister stayed back with some girls while I gathered my life for the next step.

I made sure to write my sister over and over again to cheer her up. I went to take the bus, but I saw Ala Moana mall. I went in.

Saw a luau. Got in trouble for holding a lei they said I was trying to steal. Saw a girl doing her runs and duty. It was a laundry basket from the old days. I helped her put stuff away.

I was in a car with a small girl and one of the boys and Grandma from the luau. It was a beautiful sight. The music made me sing to harmonize and beautify melodies only I understood in the car ride to the next destiny to arrive.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream 1:

I was at CAC and escaping my mom as best I could. I fell into the pool and expected to drown, but I pulled myself with ease out of the waters.

Flight/Fight for my space to own

The arena represented the world watching. My mom was someone that always triggered me to slip in a revelation I feared in me.

I fought to maintain my space as I drowned. I became stronger, more calm and confident in my ability to navigate new sounds, new whispers. I reminded myself, My body is my home. No one enters without my permission. There is no room for robbers. My voice lives here.

I left on foot but my mom and Dad were trailing after me.

Independence/Flight to grow up

I wanted to prove my own strength outside of my parents doors. When they returned, a pulling to change course and deprogram the memories in the waking hour was a phrase I uttered over and over again, 'I am no longer poor. My tongue was power in new waves I explored.

I was working for Beyonce and left her two kids for seconds and they ran back to their mom. My partner working with me was sleeping. I began to do better. I went back to Beyonce to apologize and she ignored me. I got everything settled with my partner and we began again.

Rejection/Fight to prove/People Please

My new partner is me. There is no power dynamic of celebrity tongue uttering nonsense into my ears, the way older people made me feel. I'm never less than great. I build upon the layers and colors that others will never see until my life is complete.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

An Extra Vision:

2 But with some I am not well pleased, for they will not open their mouths, but they hide the talent which I have given unto them, because of the fear of man. Wo unto such, for mine anger is kindled against them.

There was a poor girl of the war quenched in the fire of condemnation. She screamed her anger of rage for the hatred against her bones.

I had another visual that while in the fire her scream turned into a warriors belting cry against the dark. A cry for good.

[videosthatmightsurvive]

Dream 1:

I got into a squabble with Mom. I realized she was trying to get in between me and my Grandmother, by putting all the blame on me. There was a doll that belonged to my grandmother that I hid. I dunked her in water but made sure no one could catch it even though it was right in your face--an obvious way you could not deny. I was outcasted and was immediately banished like I didn't belong. Nobody came for me in that field.

Survival/Fight Mode/Banished

I was banished by the time I knew who I was. The constant reminders of past alarms. Could I make it with all of this spoil? My name was dragged into the mud. I was looking for ways to cleanse this history. To make it new. Every soldier sought to remind you, you weren't welcome here. You weren't welcome anywhere.

I remember Moses and his fight with an Egyptian for not just survival but a whole throwdown against the enemy he openly wished for just to get banished in the end.

I felt like the doll represented me in my grandmother's image. I tried to clean her up in secret. She represented my helpless state as a doll. I tried cleansing her in baptism. She was as soggy and helpless as ever. I had a vile attack on me.

I was out on the real world doing better, but with many past interventions.

Dream 2:

I was going to a new apartment and I started doing better than my siblings and cousins. They came back and tried to invade what I had. I had to send them back because they only showed when it was time to take away.

Hyper Focus/ Past Triggers/ Revolving Door/Fight

I didn't want to go back there, but you kept me running back home. I didn't want to see you but you kept coming back. I would focus harder on the destination just to find that you'd work twice as hard to find me there. Do I embrace you or shun you when you always return.

Dream 3:

I was somehow in China training. I was trying to escape these people, all people. I was in the bathroom prepping, seeing other women do the same. (AfAm)

Fight/Flight

It was survival hour--fight hour they'd say. We were cleansing our bodies this way.

The stench of bondage was not an option. This battle felt secret until it couldn't be. I didn't want to wait to find our fate. I had to move for every liberation calling. Cleansing the past with water so we could be whole and not broken parts of the past. (Morning Revelations)

Dream 4:

I hid in a plane stowaway to evade detection. I wished to be undetected, to fly like a baby in the blanket of a mother tied for security. I showed my legs so people would know to open the stowaway. I saw my female drill sergeant walk past me.

Flight/The Run in Tight Spaces

I don't need to suffocate in a stowaway to change who I am. The world can be tight when I walk by. Their discomfort can be seen. There is no begging, just becoming in plain sight.