violetsrotting

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HATE blonde white men with evil auras

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I constantly believe I am on the precipice of either losing my fucking mind or writing my magnum opus (I don’t practice writing and lay in bed all day)

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I went to church yesterday just to see what I was missing these past years. I still remembered all the prayers (the words resting on the tip of my tongue) and the motions (my body moving almost automatically). The standing, the sitting, the kneeling, and the hymns. Most of all, I felt the familiar burning and tiredness in my eyes as I stared up into the altar during the homily. 

The priest spoke about God’s mercy for us all, and I suppose that included me, no matter how much I thought it didn’t. He wasn’t a good speaker, going off topic to talk about religious art he found impressive. I didn’t find myself moved by his words. I don’t know what it was I wanted to find there. 

When I came home, I slept for two hours in the afternoon, and woke up feeling scared that my life will be one great attempt to stop myself from being sad. I think that’s what I wanted. I wanted God to speak to me in that church, to tell me to stop crying over myself, but the years apart did not make our frail connection any stronger. I was left to listen to the droning on of the priest. 

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“I am not her marriage counselor. I am a 20 year old woman who doesn’t know where she’s going in life and actually goes to therapy. I like old stuff, smoking weed, weird people, cats, and journaling. I don’t know how to fix their marriage nor is it my responsibility to try,” I say to myself every time I receive a call from my mother.

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Finally cut it off

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Sorry I haven’t posted, it’s winter and I forgot I was alive and not frozen in the snow

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I love you Mississippi River I love you

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I haven’t been on TikTok for roughly a year and a half and today my cousins showed me videos of the memes that are popular rn and I feel like a 45 year old. The level of confusion I have despite only being a few years older is insane. It’s me, YouTube, Pinterest, and Tumblr against the world.

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Unfortunately I think I’m gonna be drunk (sadly) tonight instead of drunk (celebratory)

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A barn through the rain

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The power lines on the highway

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She had a dream she killed her father the other day. It wasn’t satisfying like she thought it would be. It was passion. It was anger. God knows, she was so tired of being angry. Within the dream, she was rude and uncouth, respect clearly absent from her tongue. But, is it any wonder that the scapegoat is painted the devil? He threw a glass at her and told her he didn’t care if she was happy. How perverse that real life bled into her sleeping mind?

The cup shattered on the floor, leaving one big piece and a sharp edge. He was going to walk out the door, and was pulling his coat on. She picked up the glass and hurled it at his face, but she’d never been a good shot. It sliced open his wrist. A long, ugly cut down blue veins. Blood poured onto the tile. No one moved. Shock? Or simply not caring?

She woke up then, angry once more. This time, at her dream self, who couldn’t bear to take the high road and walk out. Like a child, she resorted to violence thinking it would save her. The relief did not come. She was still there in her waking moments watching blood seep into the floor. You childish fool. Don’t you ever fucking learn?

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I’m scared but I’ll do it anyway. There’s something more out there for me than this.

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Stairs in the attic

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This cold I have knocked me on my ass so hard I was deliriously thinking about buying some holy water to heal me like my grandma used to do