vivid-turbulence-blog

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

you

do you know how it feels to be petrified not scared but solid mineralized with every remnant of yourself gone weighed down by your existence you cannot grab the ropes reaching down to save you but to those holding the ropes you do nothing you choose to be nothing you embrace the appearance of inability but you dont really or you dont remember or the memory breaks you or the memory asphyxiates you in the dark the ribbon-cutting ceremony for your escapade your pilgrimage you were absent you were there but not here you know how it feels to be petrified you never liked the stillness you are a firecracker in a tin can and nothing to outsider perception you jolt and ricochet endlessly but cannot move onlooking eyes stab you when you are in their view they ridicule you and chastise you but those eyes are elsewhere you scream and grasp yourself and tear into your body and you strip down to nothing but weak muscle and a festering heart yet you are unscathed not stained by the hands of anyone no change and no feeling but this is who you are you are petrified and movement will never find you

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

direction

when i look up and see concrete grasp the sky i look down and wonder how many faces the sidewalk has kissed the feet that passed over it but never came back when i look north and south and east and west and i see bridges i wonder how many dreams and how many burdens the cascading waves have enveloped the tears that blended into insignificance

when i look down and i see rivers i look up and wonder if the vertigo will tilt me into freedom i wonder if the lethargy will stop when my personal peace reshapes the spiderweb of my life when i look across train stations i wonder how many teardrops turned red after 2 mins, 5 mins, 17 mins, Time Is Delayed

souls dont get ripped from people they get pushed out its not sharp and it’s not hard its massive and it pushes until your breath turns into nothing and you cant see the paleness of a cold hand cannot be unfelt birds dont streak the sky to mark where your pain has gone the signs point nowhere and everywhere all at you none at you

i shed and kept shedding until i started to disintegrate layer after layer from a face unkissed by concrete, feet that stayed put, dreams and burdens left to rot, tears that burned through dried wounds, tears that were clear its not bad its not good its not bad its not good its not bad though so where does it hurt? give me a scale of 1 to 10 and ill tell you to look where the concrete grasps the sky

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

economics of psychotherapy

In the past century, psychotherapy as a practice has revolutionized in terms of diagnosis and reduction of stigma, but the methodology remains similar. A huge difference now, though, is the economization of the mental health industry. Psychotherapy, while still prioritizing the client, has become a business. Accessibility is low and waiting lists are long, medication is expensive even with insurance and completely unaffordable for some without insurance. As more free and low-cost clinics open up though, the difficulty of scheduling appointments increases. However, social psychologists do agree that both long and short-term psychotherapy has incredible benefits for those who truly do need the assistance. Business or not, mental health services are crucial to society for a vast number of people.

Short-term psychotherapy is a gateway for patients to pinpoint and understand underlying emotional and social issues. When transitioned into long-term psychotherapy, the goal of patients is, ultimately, to develop the proper coping mechanisms and resolutions for those issues. Studies have shown that the most affordable form of intervention in regard to mental illness is short-term dynamic psychotherapy. As the mental state of patient becomes more unstable, the level of intervention increases both in cost and intensity, with outpatient, hospitalization, and inpatient services to follow. Emotion-based disorders are the most cost-heavy to the health and social care systems, but a large part of that is due to the method of patient treatment.

When the severity of a disorder becomes more apparent, intensive treatment becomes crucial, but in the short-term can be abrasive. Short-term inpatient stays are more expensive in terms of cost per day, with likely admission of medication and required psychotherapy. Medication itself has become extremely expensive as a small number of pharmaceutical companies have monopolized the industry, making essential medications inaccessible to low-income patients without insurance, and high co-pays for those with insurance. Tacking on the cost of psychiatric visits, though on a monthly basis, takes a huge toll, seeing as psychiatrists are overbooked and too few in number. However, this low number of workers within the mental health care system is due largely in part to corporational view of mental health services.

Insurance companies reserve the right to determine whether or not a patient visit is deemed ‘medically necessary’. These for-profit companies seek to avoid prolonged payment for long-term psychotherapy. This dynamic is extremely toxic to patients for whom term-term visits would be beneficial, and detrimental to workers in the healthcare industry who have studied in order to serve those in need of psychotherapy, whether short or long-term. This lowers of the efficacy of mental health services leaving clinics and hospitals overbooked and understaffed, further decreasing the quality of care and increasing the price of medication. Pharmaceutical companies provide a very backwards method of serving those in need of medication by maintaining and strictly for-profit stance, similar to insurance companies. This complex of profit-over-people serves no economic benefit either.

Studies show that an increase in the quality of medical care improves employment rates and overall social and mental health of society, which is very predictable. With more accessibility, the need for extreme short-term intervention decreases, because those with emotional and mental health needs can receive expedited care. As more and more students graduate with degrees in sociology, social work, clinical psychology, and psychiatry, the availability of mental health services technically should increase. It doesn’t however, because short-term profit is the biggest inhibitor between patient access and patient recovery.

In order to refine the psychotherapy system, the prioritization needs to become focused on patient needs. Short-term psychotherapy at an early stage and long-term psychotherapy at any stage are the most cost-effective methods of intervention. However, when insurance companies prioritize influx of recipient funding, the push for drastic short-term intervention and inpatient service allows an already under-staffed industry to feed into that skewed prioritization. With increased accessibility, there will be an increase in societal health and wellness and the healthcare industry can prosper both ethically and economically.

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

self

im not going to tell you what scares me i'm not going to tell you what keeps me up at night i'm not going to explain myself to you or you and not to you either we know what its like but we dont know what its like i cant hear you i cant hear you and i'm not listening to you but you were never a part of this conversation i was we were you werent but you dont know what is waiting for you you dont know who is waiting for you i know do you? i do do you? we do i'm not talking to you i'm not talking to you we are you’re not a manager, you’re an exile you’re an isolator, you’re a firefighter you are me i am we but we aren’t the same we are you’re nothing without us you’re nothing without yourself do you know how many people have hurt me? do you know how many people we’re trying to protect you from? do you know how many people you’re pushing away? do you know how many people you’re pushing away i wish people would stay i wish you wanted people to stay we want people to stay but they leave and they leave all of us i'm not talking to you i'm not talking about any of you but do you think they know how we feel? do you think they know how i feel? what deductions could you m‒IM NOT TALKING TO YOU why do you yell why do you antagonize me after all the help we’ve given you you think we’re antagonizing you? you’re not you said we are i'm angry we’re angry? at me? not with you but i yelled we yelled what are you doing? nothing nothing? we aren’t doing anything but you yelled you yelled you punched that wall why? because you were scared and i cant let you be leave me be then never you had to do that because you cant hurt yourself i can and i have i wont allow it though enough people have hurt me already, does it matter? it does you know you deserve better but you dont know what better comes along because you’ve never felt it you never let them feel it i wasn’t talking to you how am i supposed to know better if i'm not better get better soon feel better take care THEY CAN’T HEAR US but i can and i know what they mean you’re not sad you’re tired and you’re angry maybe you’re tired and you are angry when will i be better soon how soon in...soon what is with your skewed perception of progress? was i talking to you? no but i’m talking you we’re talking about ourself yourselves? us, ourself you’re not mysef we are so then how is progress made grab that rope why? that rope is time pace until you get to the end of it i… can’t? you can and you are and we are you’ll get to send so will you be there? we’re here and we’re going to be here we’re staying with you we’re going to help you we’re trying our best we includes you we are us and you aren’t you without me or me or me or me or me or me we

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

Who’s MAD?!

We are! We’re MAD all in our own ways. We spent most of the cycle split into production and vision teams, we know one half of the crew better than we know the other half, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have fun together! There is an enormous spectrum of talent here in the visual arts and performing arts, and incredible lyricism and musical ability. Drawing, painting, singing, guitar skills, video editing, filming: altogether in MAD Academy, one of our crew members said it best—we’ve been building community.

Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays were packed with storyboarding, scripting, and filming take after take after take for each scene. It was tiring and frustrating and stressful, but I can attest to the fact that at the end of every day, we were proud of ourselves and proud of our work. There were endless road bumps and snags in the work, but our ability to collaborate and problem-solve under pressure is what makes our crew amazing. We really could not have done a better job and the effort we put in—even when it was difficult, even when we were tired, even when we just didn't want to—is what made this a success.

There’s nothing ordinary about MAD. No two personalities are alike and no two talents are comparable, and it’s that sense of individualism that makes our crew great. There is a lot of effort on all levels that we have put into the projects we tackle, which, by no means, are average: a film for fashion week, and a school mural. These aren’t DIY class projects. These are projects you would have to be MAD to do. The group dynamic is interesting, because while not everyone is close, a lot of the crew can work together with ease and I think that’s key to making a team great. I can say with confidence that each member of MAD cares about personal growth and progress, and at this age, that’s incredibly important. Too often in adolescence, we focus on the future and obligations and everything we have to do for the rest of our lives and we lose ourselves in the mix. MAD Academy, though intense, really requires that you put yourself in the foreground of your mind.

There is no aspect of MAD Academy that was chill, so we had to create the chill. Alex and Maria made it a point to have moments dedicated to mindfulness and meditation, which I think it is very important and very helpful. A lot of us have opened up about how we experience life and what goes on on a daily basis for us, and the main take from that is that everyone experiences struggle and vulnerability. It was wonderful to have such a calm energy and such caring teammates all understanding that even if it’s just a little bit, we care about each other. That is what MAD is all about.

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

Mood

It's definitely a difficult feeling knowing that I can't always be consistent: with my mood, energy, presence, performance, or feelings. I can't always be present in a way that is helpful to myself or my peers and its embarrassing and frustrating and it makes me sad and I feel drained. I want to do better and I want to be better but mental illness, especially at the intensity that I experience it, makes it incredibly difficult for me to even keep up with myself.

Thankfully, MAD Academy is a welcoming and open place, free of judgement, but accountability is important. And I take full responsibility for what I've missed and what I need to do. But at surface level, it honestly just looks like I'm doing nothing and that's what gets to me the most. Sometimes trying my best means being fully present and fulfilling all my obligations and completing work on time. Sometimes trying my best means literally just getting out of bed so I can use the bathroom and maybe get water, maybe eat.

My best is directly correlated to how my mental illness has manifested itself that day, or that week, or that month. This year has been extremely difficult, but much better than I anticipated. And that's what matters to me more than anything.

Truthfully, I'm not an artist. I admire the arts but I'm not built as creatively as other around me in MAD Academy. It's only now that the cycle is dwindling that I'm realizing how hard it really will be for me to finish off strong, so I'm aiming for adequacy because that's all I have. If it means I'll be successful, great, if not, I will at least know that I genuinely tried as hard as I could to be present.

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

Top 5

I’m not gifted in the visual arts sector, but music has always been my safe place. My music taste is extremely varied, but so is my personality! As someone with a dissociative disorder, my personality shifts along with my music. Here are my top 5 favorite musical artists. No particular order because my personality is a spectrum, not a ranking system.

Charlie Cunnigham

Minimalism is something I enjoy because minimalism helps me feel calibrated. Feeling centered and balanced isn't something I experience often, but with chill beats and an acoustic guitar, Charlie Cunningham really speaks to my soul. His album Lines, released in 2017, features music that honestly sounds like it should only be played in a cabin in some mountains in Alaska with candlelight. It’s incredibly beautiful and passionate music and it’s the kind of background music that you can’t ignore. Each track brings you into another world and though Charlie Cunningham is a new artist, I’m excited for his work in the future.

Enya

Enya, who is absolutely legendary, is also one of my favorite artists. Absolutely no one can compare to the style, range, and power of her music. It’s been a happy place for me in the past few years through a lot of emotional turmoil. Enya takes me around the world and transcends space and time with her music in a way that I had never anticipated. She has song for ever feeling, mood, emotion, circumstance, and moment in time. She’s one of my favorites, and many others as well. I genuinely just love her as a person, to be completely honest.

Young Fathers

Okay so, Young Fathers is the only band where I love every single song from every single album and LP. They’re classified under alternative hip hop, pop, and r & b, but it’s so much more than that. Each of their songs sounds like it could be a painting. That’s the only way I can describe it. Every album sounds completely different but at the same time, you absolutely know its Young Fathers. Their beats are eclectic, their lyrics are powerful and provocative and riveting, their themes are controversial but necessary and discovering them i 2014 is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Their music is definitely an acquired taste but once you’re in, it’s a whole new world.

Indila

Indila rose to her fame in 2015 with her album Mini World, released in 2014. As an Algerian-born French artist, she dealt racism and a lot of her music touches on that, romance, her childhood, and the absolute strength we all have as human being. Her music is intense and rich with harmony and melody, and not be diminutive, but some of her songs are just really cute! And all of them have a mood, which I think is a really unique and wonderful thing to hear with an artist. Similarly to Enya, her music oftentimes makes me ascend into the universe. i don’t even know what that truly means, but that’s exactly how I feel. Indila is amazing and it’s a nice break from music in English.

Death Grips

Last, but nowhere near least: the incomparable Death Grips. Despite the name, it’s not some dark wave metal band. It’s a singer, and drummer, and a guy making some fire beats. Death Grips is a category of its own with alternative rap of such intensity that at first, the lyrics make no sense. The music style is high power, high intensity, and filled with provocative themes, I saw them in concert in September 2016 and left incredibly shaken up but with a huge surge of adrenaline. Their music is exciting and scary and sometimes just really funny. Like Young Fathers, it’s an acquired taste, so you might want to sit down and listen with a low volume if you decide to venture into Death Grips musical territory.

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

1-800-273-8255

As someone who suffers from a few forms of mental illness, it’s hard for anything to push me or inspire me. I lack a lot of energy, so sometimes it feels as though there isn’t anything to fuel my drive and motivation. The emotional weight I bear on a daily basis is extremely taxing and my ability to support myself feels nonexistent at times. I’ve never fully given in to the feeling, but for a very long time, the value i placed on my own life was extremely low and I ended up in the hospital a few times for suicidal thoughts.

I realized, though, that when a friend falls into the hole of suicidality, I want to be someone capable of changing their mind. I didn’t always have that, and when I did, it wasn’t someone who understood what I was going through. The comfort of being able to open up to someone who completely understands is priceless, and that’s what motivates me. It’s not selfish to feel happy that I helped someone else realize, or take steps towards the realization of, their own worth and their sense of self in general. 

I think commonality is a huge factor in psychotherapy, and someone who only knows textbook level psychology can’t always get to the root of personal struggle. Someone who has had any experience with mental illness, either themselves or someone they know, can dig dig deeper and really help someone grow, and that’s what I want to do. I want to do this for myself, for my friends, and for every person who has died because they didn’t yet know how to give themself a chance. I was given a chance, and I want to give one to as many people as I can.

That’s what drives me. That’s what keeps me going. That’s what I’m here for.

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

MAD Goals

We been worked on a film based in heroism: A boy, Freddy Rose has wanted to be a fashion designer all his life, but that notion was constantly rejected by his family. Regardless, he grew up and made his own clothing line and presented it at a runway show, and Freddy realized he'd been his own hero all along.

What does that mean for me though?

This film and its message are more dynamic than they appear at the surface. I find that part of the film touches on the dangers of toxic masculinity. The idea that fashion and creative design are attached solely to women creates the false perception that the involvement of men in the industry is effeminate. In general, men are pushed into a corner of having to grow up and "be a man"--in essence, emotions are a sign of weakness, and men aren't allowed to be weak.  The idea that men aren't allowed to struggle, men cant be creative: this is the opposite of equality in society

Part of the reason I'm engaged in feminism is for boys like Freddy, and all others told to "man up" and "suck it up", to be able to express themselves freely. I chose to be in MAD Academy because if I can expand my creative horizons, it's easier for me to advocate in the creative industry, and I can create a larger platform for activism. 

I want to get a degree in social work, because I want to become a resource for people who need help, people who want help, and for people who honestly don’t know what they need or want. I believe that to be a good counselor, you need to be well rounded in all areas, and creativity is a huge part of that for me. MAD Academy is expanding my view and giving me inspiration on how to better incorporate art into therapy, and that’s what I’m working towards.

[vivid-turbulence-blog]

MAD World

MAD Academy at City-As is a place where creativity, individualism, and collaboration come together in an incredible. Music, arts, design, fashion, and film were the cornerstones of the first two weeks. 

Our task? Create a film based on the link between fashion and personal growth to screen at Fashion Week Brooklyn. Our template was a boy, Freddy Rose, who has wanted to be a fashion designer since he was a little boy. His family and friends never believed him, and constantly humiliated him, but that didn’t quell Freddy’s passion and excitement for fashion. Eventually, he grows up to be a wonderful designer and presents his line at a runway show--and his family showed up to cheer him on! Freddy was his own hero; he saved himself when he was down and out, and never gave up on himself.

We’ve hit road bumps and frustrating challenges but I think the fact that we’re able to collaborate so well is what’s helped us overcome those challenges. Making the film was painstakingly difficult, and we had such a short window to create it, so we basically had to start storyboarding and prepping on day 2. We picked parts of script to tackle and essentially drew out the scenes and positions of people, where we wanted to actors to go, etc. Took a few hours, but it was successful. From there onwards was filming. Endless filming and take after take and redo after redo and messed up lines and early cues and late cues and it was such a draining experience. At the end of it though, there was relief and, I think, a sense of pride.