voidal-respite

[voidal-respite]

What if the greatest threat we'll find across the sea is me?

…

What if I'm the problem that's been hiding all along?

…

What if I've been far too kind to foes, ans a monster to ourselves?

What if I'm the monster…

[voidal-respite]

[voidal-respite]

i don't deserve my friends, do I?

I mean, we're just going to both end up hurt

They get attached to me, I bleed myself dry giving to them, I refuse to be given love when I'm dying, and we both fall…

[voidal-respite]

what if i'm actually a big fucking parasite who leeches off of people to get the love that I crave

maybe that's why I'm nice to people

I don't deserve to reach out for love, do I?

I should only give love if it's for them, not for them to give it back to me…

[voidal-respite]

My sympathy's draining me dry. How much deeper can they dig my sunken eyes? Won't they just let me writhe inside and let my sides asides so they can realise to let me die. That that'd be fine. At least then I'd finally hear silence and sleep well one night, yet here we are, Mind and Heart, crying, dying, covered in our blood and sweat, now we sit, intermit, flail and flit, chip and hack, bit by bit.

Stats are the adversary, friends are insanity. Feelings still claw at me, logic will rot in me. Dissonance will grow as the greys start to fall from me. Trying holistically, failing consistently. Sits in insistence; these id's cysts' persistency, pick and see sinfully, hypocrisy picks at thee. Victim and culprit entwine in one entity. I am the murderer, I'm the fatality.

Heart, Mind, slay, Soul, blood falls threefold…

[voidal-respite]

give me a reason to even keep up the breathing

i'm feeling hopeless and worthless, becoming nimb so it hurts less

oh please just give me a reason to make it to the next season

I feel compressed, undynamic

just verging on manic

[voidal-respite]

I want people to thank me for doing the right thing…even just once or twice… I want to feel like someone appreciates my actions…

but maybe I just don't do anything deserving of that kind of praise… maybe I don't deserve that kind of love because it's the expectation and who would thank someone for meeting expectations…

[voidal-respite]

[voidal-respite]

Sometimes I wonder… what would happen if I died? Not to me, but to the people around me? To the people in my life?

If I died, would the school know? Would my friends be told? What would happen to my family? Would my online friends ever know? How would they know?

[voidal-respite]

[voidal-respite]

[voidal-respite]

you're a real peice of shit.

you know that, don't you? you're nothing more than a peice of shit.

all you wanted was to be loved, and looked where it's gotten you and your friends. pain. hurt. discomfort, stress, worry, fear.

deep down, you're just a kid…

but you're supposed to be more than a kid. you're 16, not 10. act your age, you dimwit.

I can't decide if I should hurt myself. On the one hand, I made a commitment, and I'm almost 2 months on. On the other hand, it'd only be just considering the pain I put my friends through. but now that you know I'm thinking this way, I can't tell you what I decide on.

maybe I should just kill myself. get this whole thing over with. after all, "200 friends" is 200 people you'll hurt one day, or have already hurt. what's the point in living if that's how it'll be spent? do you really want to have to experience the pain of disappointing 200 people with your patheticness, with your shittiness, with your incapability to be better?

"you're bojack horseman. there's no cure for that."

"what am I beyond my actions?"

everyone's perception of me is distorted, having viewed only parts of a larger whole. how could they ever know? why should they ever know?

just do it. just get it over with. shut your mouth, turn off your phone, and go to the kitchen. do it. nobody else is awake. nobody will know in time. do it. just do it, you stupid fuck.

What if I can't be better? What if the problem isn't just one behaviour, but me as a whole? Like a bug trap, I lure in friends and hurt them. And it's all I'll ever do.

maybe I live to make my friends happy. but what good is that happiness when I overshadow it with pain? no. the only way I will ever be a good friend is i I lift them up, never hurting them. otherwise, am I really good enough?

why do people care about me. i'll only hurt them.

just shut up and sleep. sleep forever? just sleep.

[voidal-respite]

My sympathy's draining me dry. How much deeper can they dig my sunken eyes? Won't they just let me writhe inside and let my sides asides so they can realise to let me die. That that'd be fine. At least then I'd finally hear silence and sleep well one night, yet here we are, Mind and Heart, crying, dying, covered in our blood and sweat, now we sit, intermit, flail and flit, chip and hack, bit by bit.

Stats are the adversary, friends are insanity. Feelings still claw at me, logic will rot in me. Dissonance will grow as the greys start to fall from me. Trying holistically, failing consistently. Sits in insistence; these id's cysts' persistency, pick and see sinfully, hypocrisy picks at thee. Victim and culprit entwine in one entity. I am the murderer, I'm the fatality.

Heart, Mind, slay, Soul, blood falls threefold…

[voidal-respite]

My sympathy's draining me dry. How much deeper can they dig my sunken eyes? Won't they just let me writhe inside and let my sides asides so they can realise to let me die. That that'd be fine. At least then I'd finally hear silence and sleep well one knight, yet here we are, Mind and Heart, crying, dying, covered in our blood and sweat, now we sit, intermit, flail and flit, chip and hack, bit by bit.

Stats are the adversary, friends are insanity. Feelings still claw at me, logic will rot in me. Dissonance will grow as the greys start to fall from me. Trying holistically, failing consistently. Sits in insistence; these id's cysts ' persistency, pick and see sinfully, hypocrisy picks at thee. Victim and culprit entwine in on entity. I am the murderer, I'm the fatality.

Heart, Mind, slay, Soul, blood falls threefold…

[voidal-respite]

fuck…

[voidal-respite]

don’t forget that it’s your life. it’s not school’s life, it’s not work’s life, it’s not your family or your partner’s life—it’s perpetually your life, for better or worse. what do you want from this life? forget happy, what motivates you to live? why are you here?

[voidal-respite]

Tintin remembers what comes after 15.