vvhitecloud

[vvhitecloud]

i'll start from the beginning. not only emotions, feelings too and, i suppose, a bunch of other things, since my thinking is generally abstract. and no, you don't have to ask questions for me to start ranting about myself (i like to talk about myself and let people know what i am like, after all) — questions help me to structure my path a little, although in the process of answering them i still can get distracted by an extraneous thought too — like rn, for example, when i just remembered that for the very same reason it is much easier for me to analyze myself or create characters in "live mode", when i just write to a person everything that comes to my mind right at the moment. anyways!! of course it will be easier for me to understand myself if someone else can understand me, but it will cost the other person a lot, i suppose. i mean, at the very least they would have to remember details about me to the point where they just knew these things about me so i wouldn't have to remind them; and i suppose this person must feel me the same way i feel everything that is difficult to put into words. this is is what one might call merging with a person — with me in this case. buuut,,, even though i do think highly of myself, i am still self-aware, and i realize that this is too high a price to pay for someone like me.

I suppose I'm understanding a bit more, now — an idea follows by another which is why your mind is so messy and it might take you a whole long monologue before actually getting to the point you're trying to get to when it comes to your own feelings and emotions ? That's often seen in people with a high iq though so I cannot say I'm surprised — my own mind works similarly though I can understand and explain myself better due to it being less abstract than you I guess.

You know, another thing I find quite curious in your person is that you say you think highly of yourself yet there are times where I'm compelled to believe otherwise — it seems like a constant fight of your own words bordering between not being good enough and being higher than most, though I might be wrong so I will elaborate a little; you often appear to think others wouldn't do some things for you or wouldn't go to such high length for you, you also said you do not consider yourself to be highly intelligent and so on yet at the same time you say your ego is pretty high and you do most things based on what you can get and learn from it.

It makes me question just how high your ego exactly is or if you perhaps do feel a bit lowly about yourself which you have to compensate with having a high ego later on — though, once again I might be utterly wrong, I'm simply curious.

[vvhitecloud]

i'm sorry about your past experience. i'm hardly any better tho, so don't put your hopes on me lmao. i hateee to disappoint, so i'd rather be considered an idiot from the start, even if it's a bit offensive. anyways!! teaching others something can be really nice, i believe, but i'm not ready for that yet and would rather gain experience, learn about myself and develop myself. what can a person who barely knows themselves halfway, and knows even less about the world, teach another, right? as for the feeling of usefulness, i consider it fleeting because in essence it does not carry anything in itself. it doesn't make me feel good about myself, and even if it improves my relationship with someone, if that's all i can get out of it, i'd rather not.

it's really hard to explain myself because half of the information needed to understand my point of view fully still remains with me. largely because when i begin to explain what i understand about myself on an.. emotional level, shall we say?.. to my interlocutor, i risk losing the thread of my monologue. that's why i prefer a bunch of precise, detailed questions instead of one or two vague ones.

Comparing you to that person would be foolish of me, really — that being said, I'm not expecting grand things coming from you other than what you've already said you could possibly give me, so do not worry.

I think I somehow understand your point but at the same time, I have remaining questions so I'll try to be precise with them — is that understanding of you only abstract when it comes to emotions ? Does that also mean you only tru explaining your point of view if the other asks you a bunch of questions or do you still find yourself,,,mayhaps ranting about it, which would be when you lose the train of your monologue? Finally, if one was to understand you even through rants and monologue about yourself that even you wouldn't be able to fully explain, would that make it easier to understand yourself?

[vvhitecloud]

mmm, i see your point and i totally agree with your last paragraph. getting back to my social circle tho,,, overall, you're right. just don't forget that at the same time, i still have damn high standards for people. yes, i could gain more experience and knowledge if i expanded my choices, but do i really need it? i can do without social whores, thx. so while i really value any experience and knowledge in general, i give preference to thinking people. oh, by the way. maybe you will find it useful to know that in people i tend to look for mentors — essentially those who will give me more knowledge about the world and human nature, — and at the same time i don't intend to share my knowledge with others yet. i find it a waste of time if i don't get anything from it except a fleeting feeling of usefulness. never against mutual exchange though.

Mhm so you overall value getting knowledge more than giving it yourself unless it's a mutual exchange — why do you consider usefulness as a " fleeting feeling " though, I wonder.

I find it curious because, in my opinion, teaching or talking to someone about what I think, my ideas on others, on the world and such is much more easier than the contrary — as much as I'll participate in any kind of interesting conversation, I deem it much more simpler to explain things myself than listen to others do so.

I usually also find it overall hard to find anyone who can teach me things I do not already know,,, which ends up disappointing me greatly. For example, the previous sort of relationship I had was with someone who appeared intelligent at first — yet they weren't at all. Mayhaps " at all " is an exaggeration and I suppose there wasn't much to expect from someone who oftentimes showed off how intelligent they were but a part of me still hoped they'd give me something new — it never happened as they turned out to be idiotic and immature.

[vvhitecloud]

ohho, will you share your guesses regarding my social circle?

i really don't care about the grade, it doesn't really affect anything, since i'm going to change my major anyway — i'm just glad that i passed the most difficult exam for me and i'm glad that for the second year now i'm DAMN lucky when it comes to exams. but ye my state has improved in many ways because of this situation lol. it's not that i'm an academic kid, i hardly study, but i shake about grades no less than typical nerds. on the other hand, it was just nice to talk to you again for so long. it's interesting!! you make me think, including topics that i myself would not like to think about, and i like it. so please accept my sincere gratitude, angel.

Well "guesses" seems a far greater word than what it should be — I've simply come to the conclusion that the people you deem worthy and interesting are most likely those who can give you knowledge or a new experience at least — of any kind that is —, therefore that social circle of yours would most likely consist of different kind of people granting you each different things that some cannot give you and so on.

Mayhaps this is because it gives you a sense of accomplishment? After all, knowing you've succeeded — especially if said succession would have been hard to achieve under different circumstances — is always good to welcome.

I must say that I'm content you think of our conversations this way, though — the feeling is obviously shared, I take great enjoyment out of talking to you no matter the topic or whether we agree with each others or not as it gives me new perspectives and ultimately, it is better than reading books to some extent — you have my gratitude too, anon.

That makes me think about how amusing it is that no matter how many books, encyclopedias and such one could read, it will never compete to the knowledge or self fulfillment someone can get out of a conversation with another individual. Our minds are made in such a way that you'll never meet two people with the same train of thoughts — no matter how similar they might seem or even be. I'm saying this because, as someone who has rejected sociability and connections for about the majority of my life, I find myself considering that having a deep conversation with someone is actually better than any book could ever be — depending on the person you're conversing with, obviously.

[vvhitecloud]

lmfao wait what. it was unexpected to hear about this, considering that before that there was only one such ask. so how many were there in total? on the other hand, how can they even call themselves perfect for you, if even I, with my disgusting memory, remember your words about how perfect individuals are boring. an anon's job is to study their obsession in detail, i believe, even if that means reading long dialogues between them and another anon — me in this case. well whatever. answering your question, i doubt it. every bit of information a person gives is unique in its essence, as is the experience i gain from every interaction with them. right now you are giving me the experience and knowledge that my friend could never give me, but does that mean that i will abandon them? not at all. and even though my connection with you is not that strong yet, i still value it very much, and its value grows every day — remember this — so these words of mine extend to you too, of course. as for why i decided to go to bed later, i feel much happier and more energetic today, and i generally enjoy torturing myself with sleep deprivation, so that might help it. :DD

To be honest I was also confused, I suppose it might be a case of someone trying to get in the picture or whatever people on yanblr usually do as it started a bit after our conversations became longer — which I find quite odd but everyone has their own hobbies I guess,,,

I'll dare say I'm getting a better understanding of how your social circle might work, or at least how you try making it work — it's interesting, really, though I've already said that far too much.

I'm curious so may I ask what has made you happier ? Unless it's all due to the grade you just got today though I doubt it's the only reason to your sudden happiness — sleep deprivation isn't bad I think. Quite frankly I wish humans didnt need to sleep in order to function, I find it to be a waste of time.

[vvhitecloud]

hey angel, i wanna go to bed later tonight, so i'll try to hold out until you fall asleep — not promising anything though.

Mhm that's interesting, why the sudden desire to stay up? Though I do not mind — quite the contrary.

[vvhitecloud]

yeah, i would prefer to move slowly but surely when it comes to relationships of any kind. still tho, you can ask me anything you want, there's hardly a question i wouldn't want to answer. i like to let people understand me — after all, i benefit from it too. in turn, i want to ask you a question. if someone more suitable for the kind of relationship you are looking for appears on the horizon, how quickly will your interest in me disappear in favor of them? still, i would prefer that each of us satisfy our goals to a sufficient level before we part ways.

It's actually a good thing that you asked that because some other individual has started anoning me for some reason — they claim they'd be more suitable for me than you - going as far as to qualify you as a liar and such - which I do find amusing considering I've already said how much I despise disloyalty.

So to answer your question, since you've started interesting me I do not see any point in pursuing someone else, or entertaining someone else if you prefer. By that I mean, my interest in you isn't going anywhere anytime soon, even if some perfect Saint came knocking at my door or tried courting me — I simply find it distasteful.

I do apologise to that anon, though. I've heard you and your words, I simply cannot return them and waiting for me to do so is utterly useless — so please, find someone else. I won't be posting any of the things you've said but I genuinely have no interest in perfect individuals and you claim to be one so I wouldn't be able to return any of your sentiments for me even if i tried to.

That being said, how about you? Would you leave in an instant upon finding someone able to satiate your need for knowledge better than I do?

[vvhitecloud]

well i mean. i am quite controlling lol. i can hardly control the lives or personalities of other people with sufficient effectiveness — that's too ambitious — but i can control my life at least partly. maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe not — all i know is that my mother is the same, so maybe i got it from her. as for why i continue to look for people, it's obvious — new experiences!! i don't looks for a replacement for my friend, i don't looks for someone who could compete with them (you can try tho). however, i do look for things that they can't give me. at the same time, true match? impossible. i don't have a definition of a "true match" for me, and this is wonderful, because my self-development will not stop as long as i communicate with people whom i select for my social circle myself.

tbf, i didn't think much about this part of myself because i generally never thought that someone could be interesting enough to me while i was still friends with them. i approached you, as usual, simply out of boredom, and stayed because i became interested — you know that. but i have no idea what will happen next, how my relationship with you will develop, with other people in the future, with my friend after all. i don't know, so please don't take my words in the paragraph above as absolute truth — i have a lot to understand about this part of myself, and i invite you to share this fate with me.

p.s. thanks for the consolation — i'm still quite short-tempered lately and it's entirely my fault and problem. feel free to remind me that i have no reason to be so aggressive.

I suppose that does make a lot more sense then, your desire to learn and experience more and more is also what makes you feel alive and I guess you combine it with love when trying to find people to add to your social circle as you named it.

It is also true that nothing is absolute, neither you or me is able to read into the future and know what is meant to happen — or not, for all that matter — so I can understand and thus won't take your words as absolute either. As I said, trying to change anything in our current stage is useless and quite frankly, it would be foolish too — I'd rather we learn more about each other's true self and decide on what to do from there as our current relationship could be viewed more as an exchange or a " give and give " situation; I'll give you knowledge and a new experience while you'll give me an opportunity to try and understand you.

I'd like to conclude this paragraph by saying that whatever you feel like at any moment, I don't mind it. I'd rather see people in their most vivid state and accept them however they appear than ask them to calm down or shut down such emotions — therefore you don't need to apologise nor thank me for it, I believe it's part of what one could consider "bare minimum" after all.

[vvhitecloud]

im gonna explode. aaanyways. abt your question, ye? even if from the outside it looks like i'm doing it for someone else, i'm still doing it for myself - because i want it, because i chose this person as worthy, because i choose the way i change "for" them. i am willing to do this only because it will benefit me - i will feel useful, i will feel like i am paying back a debt to someone who has selflessly loved me all this time. and of course i'm talking about a very specific person — my relationship with them is unique and immensely important to me, partly just by luck that we were so well suited to each other. i doubt that anyone will repeat their success, although i don’t deny the possibility, of course. but i have my own head on my shoulders, i would not change myself if it contradicted my ethics, just as i would not change under duress — because the more pressure i feel on myself, objectively or not, the more i will resist. and your desire to prove me wrong only strengthens my defense, so out of the kindness of my heart i will give you advice: play the opposite. i agree that doing things the other way around is a very childish position, and i'm not sure if i'll ever be able to change this in myself. but i know how to deal with it, and that's enough for me for now.

The more you ask the more questions I get, I cannot help but wonder why you're so keen on finding someone else if you do hardly believe no one else could be as successful as your friend — is it because you still hold hopes of finding your true match one day ?

I'm also quite curious about why your freedom means so much to you, or rather, why you're so compelled in qualifying everything you do as strictly for your own self — could this not be considered a defense mechanism or perhaps an attempt at having full control over things ?

I also believe you misunderstood what I meant by "proving you wrong" — I didn't mean that I'd pressure you in any type of way, I simply cannot handle the thought of someone being better than me or perhaps higher than me in the heart of someone I truly "love" ( what you call it ) or "obsess" over ( what I call it ), though it's still too early for this between us anyways.

I'll remind you that none of the things I say are meant rudely or in a defensive manner though I will avoid using certain terms or saying certain things if it makes you less defensive about them — I don't deem your need of freedom and such as a bad thing, quite the contrary as I find it endearing and interesting. That being said, if our conversation is what is making you "explode" then feel free to answer — or not, of course — my question whenever you feel like it.

[vvhitecloud]

will be unable to love you... depends. if you give me what i need — or better yet, what i need that i don't yet know about — and at the same time you sincerely love me, i will love you in return. the problem here is rather that you are unlikely to be able to love me. frankly, i'm very defensive at the moment. i value my freedom, my personality, and i think pretty highly of myself, so the more you threaten those parts of me — intentionally or not — the more i protect myself. at the same time, i don't want to be played along just to please me for a while just to have it taken away from me later. while i really do not even mind to change myself for someone worthy, i'm not sure if our relationship can get to that point. i may be wrong tho.

briefly answering your other question — yes. answering in more detail — depends on many factors, since experience and knowledge are essentially infinite, and it is unlikely that there would ever come a moment when you could not give it to me at least involuntarily. i stayed for four years with two people (won't call them friends, although we talked every day and they knew a lot about me), one of whom started ignoring me first, and the second one was such a talentless idiot that i stayed with her not even for the sake of knowledge or experience but simply to amuse my ego — until the balance between what i liked and didn’t like about that relationship shifted towards the negative. it's very difficult to explain in a few words because of my problems with structuring information, but essentially all you need to know is that i don't leave people willingly as long as i get at least 50% positive emotions from my relationship with them — and this is achieved in countless ways, i won’t even list them. as a rule, people who fit my standards and those who don't are easy to spot from the start, and for now you're in the "fit" group. congratulations. but that doesn't mean things can't change over time.

You're such a complex being aren't you? The more you disagree with me the more I feel compelled to prove you I can do better than whatever you expect me to do — not in a defensive manner that is, I rarely ever get mad or annoyed.

From what I'm understanding, as long as you get what you want, whether you know what that is or not, you'll remain with the individual who grants you what you seek — at the same time though it seems like you hardly believe anyone in this world could possibly be capable of such a thing. To add on that, it looks like you hardly believe I could be able of giving you what you need and want — yet you say you don't usually leave others as long as they stay in a certain range.

I'm quite confused about something though if you don't mind humouring me an answer — you do most things for your own self yet at the same time you'd do a lot for someone you truly "love", does that mean you'd be willing to put yourself aside regarding some things for the sake of that person? The willingness to change doesn't necessarily answer this question as changing would most likely do you more good than anything else if that was the case, that's why I'm wondering.

[vvhitecloud]

didn't say i have nothing to offer you tho. i meant that i am not able to give you what you need in matters of love and obsession — and i suppose these are quite important things for you. but i don't mind you studying me as long as i satisfy my need for knowledge and experience too. let me ask you something tho. i don't believe that you will ever understand me completely (not your fault — nobody can, and this applies to all people, not just me — i'm not special), but if suddenly it seems that way to you, does it mean that you will simply get bored with me and leave me?

Ah that does make more sense I suppose — do you mean by that, that you'll be unable to love me, using your own definition of love?

I also doubt I'll ever fully gasp an understanding of you honestly yet if that were to happen, I suppose I'd simply try changing you as I've told you at the very start of our correspondence — it would take a long time though, which means that getting bored would be far too difficult as I see things now.

I do need to return the question though, since you do things for yourself mostly and already have a friend dear to you — does that mean that if I were to be unable to satisfy your need of knowledge and experience you'd leave abruptly? Or mayhaps attempt at finding someone else again?

[vvhitecloud]

i still don't understand why you think i'm interesting tho. do elaborate please.

by the way, if i am one of those people you seek a connection with, i would prefer to connect with the real you. i already see enough critical differences in us, but this is not bad for me personally — on the contrary, i see it as a new experience, which i value very much, — but for you it is probably bad for the reason that i will hardly ever be able to give you everything you need. maybe at least a part then? even if i don't become the best in your life, don't put me down to the last places, okay? i still want to be important enough to you — in a good way. and of course, i do this mostly for myself.

let me ask, are you okay with this?

I chose to answer this anon of yours here instead of on the previous one I already wrote due to how long it will most likely be — that being said, I do seek a connection with you as of now and I am already granting you the real me — perhaps not in my most vulnerable state yet but that's something that comes with time I suppose.

To answer you as honestly as I can, I'm also interested in you due to these differences. Most people tend to agree with me and such — I do not really understand why you believe you have nothing to offer me. By how I see things, we both have multiple things to learn from the others — be it emotionally or not.

I must add that I'm quite curious about you. I've already said that it's a lot easy for me to read and analyse people — but you? You're comparable to an encyclopedia I have yet to discover everything about — I'm curious about the way you think, feel things and act which awake a need in me to know more, to solve the mystery I have yet to fully gasp, if that makes any sense.

That being said, you won't be in the last places or anything of the sort — I do not take interest into multiple individuals at the same time. Besides you're a great candidate at being important to me, no matter whether you do it for selfish reasons or not — it hardly matters; let us satiate each others in the way we both seek if you're also fine with me studying you whole.

[vvhitecloud]

don't try to sweet talk me, angel. i appreciate your openness though, and, i hope, honesty. i have no reason to lie to you, and in any case i can't use information about you against you — then again, i tend to think about myself and do things only for myself, and this covers a much larger layer of my personality than you can imagine. besides, i'm quite peaceful now — thank my friend for that, with them i've really changed a lot compared to what it was 2-3 years ago; and if before i could harm someone for my own pleasure, now, as i have already said, i pursue other goals that are less affecting other people’s lives. so yeah!! you can believe me, or not — i will understand your choice in any case. but relationships are a two-way thing, right? i'm honest with you, you're hopefully honest with me — let it stay that way. if it helps you, i can continue to base my opinion of you solely on what you tell me about yourself — the way you see yourself, so that my vision of you coincides with yours.

...very honestly, i doubt that any information other than personal information like your address or your irl friends' contacts can cause any harm,,, i could be wrong though!! i really don't know a lot about how advanced stalking and other illegal internet activities are. i feel like an old man because of this lmao. but i vaguely remember you mentioned something about your knowledge on the subject, so i assume you are pretty well versed in it (better than me, at least) and maybe that's where your paranoia and mistrust comes from in part — i'm in no way devaluing your other experience tho, i understand it quite well.

anyway, i'll remain anon for a long time, so let's see where this leads.

I suppose I'll simply have to believe you as best as I possibly could, then — mutual honesty will perhaps drag me out of my usual paranoia.

You're free to base your opinion on me on whatever you want, I do not necessarily mind. As for the " harm " I actually meant emotional harm — using someone's feelings against them is perhaps the easiest way to hurt them for a lot of individuals. To add on, I believe staying anonymous for a long time can only benefit us both honestly,,, if there wasn't this veil between us, I feel like being honest would simply be much harder.

While you were away a question did pass through my mind though, if your friend hypothetically decided to satisfy that need of " toxicity " or perhaps "obsession" of yours, doesn't that mean you wouldn't need someone else to satisfy it ? By that I mean, wouldn't you simply lose interest in trying to find it somewhere else if you can find it in them?

[vvhitecloud]

i do feel a teeny weeny bit annoyed buuuut it's okay, really. again, we don't know each other well, no matter how much you probably want to think otherwise. besides, if you admit your mistakes — that's great. although part of my irritation lies in the fact that i can never be sure of your sincerity and who you really are. i'm really not good at analysis, this is not a lie or an attempt to divert suspicion from myself or anything, this is a sincere admission, because i don't want to be considered smart only to disappoint a person later. so i really do value sincerity, please keep that in mind.

do you know yourself well enough? what bit of information can you share with me since i have given you so much information about myself?

Mhm I can understand your worries — I'd like to preface this by saying that I haven't lied to you so far though you're free to believe me or not.

I quite frankly do not see the point in lying to you for several reasons such as the fact that we're both anonymous — none of the things I say or do will ever have a genuine impact on my life so why lie? Besides there's also the fact you seem quite understanding and finally I simply do not lie to those I deem interesting — at least I do it less to them than others as I do value sincerity too, no matter how ironic it might seem.

That being said, I do know myself well enough, mayhaps too well — therefore I'll give you an information I do not usually give as a token of my appreciation for you.

I do know myself, as I've said I believe I know my own self far too much to the point where quite a lot of therapists and psychiatrists have given up on me — it always follows the same scheme; I test out how much I can tell them, open up in a "crash out", lie to them to make it seem like I'm doing better and then it's either they give me a tons of medications — be it antipsychotics, antidepressants and so on — or they try taking me inpatient. Matter of factly none of it ever works so they get upset and give up on me.

You see, my problem is that I'm far too aware, to the point where I know exactly what's wrong with me, why and where it stems from yet can never seem to fix it — moreover, while I do know myself, I still struggle a lot with my own identity which is partly why I hate labels. I never seem to fit any of them no matter how descriptive they are as i tend to bend my own self for people I seek a connection with, thus ending up with different views and such. I've also become utterly apathetic with time to the point where I cannot make this numbness go away — that is, until someone interests me enough to drag me out of it.

Anyhow, I tend to lie to people because I, myself, struggle with trusting others — more often than not people lie for the most trivial things which has made me unable to trust anyone in a long while. This implies that I can never tell anyone something I know they could use against me with time, no matter how close we might be or seem to be.

I suppose one of the other reasons I do not feel compelled in lying to you is due to how little I know about you through this anonymity — while it is true you could use the things I've told you about myself against me, it would still hurts less than if it came from someone I actively knew the identity of, if you understand what I mean.

[vvhitecloud]

...perhaps your inclination to think is not always useful and fruitful — in this we are similar, i suppose. although it's not for me to judge. not because i'm stupid or anything, i just don't want to. what i'm trying to say is that your analysis went in the wrong direction this time... right from the start. i have not lied to you except for the times i have already admitted to — at least from what i remember. i do not like to lie, i am terrible at it, and my lies are always just testing the waters, but i always tell the truth asap. you are right that i understand bpd a little better than the average person, but only because i love psychiatry, and i myself share the symptoms of bpd — although i would not say that i have it. so i'm not demonizing you, i don't think you "manipulate others out of boredom and entertainment, while still seeking a deep connection" — this description fits more closely to the typical yan, not bpd haver. as for your intelligence... it's too early to judge, but what i see now makes me happy. don't compare me to yourself tho, despite our possible similarities in some ways, we are incredibly different. and it's reallyyyy shameful that you consider me someone who toys or plays with others. i kinda do it but like. idk this wording sounds too edgy lol. i have my reasons, it's not just for fun. aaaand no, i don't think i know you enough or whatever. we've known each other for just a few days, all i know about you is exclusively the information you gave me about yourself, and frankly speaking you are the last person whose words i would trust. although this only makes things more interesting, don't you think? sorry if i'm too rude i guess. this is defense, not attack.

That's interesting, I think there has been a misunderstanding mayhaps — you're right about my thinking, though, I tend to overthink over little things that aren't necessarily important.

I didn't mean to paint you as a bad person and I apologise if this is how it seemed — I didn't mean most of the things I said in a bad way as I don't mind any of it. I didn't mean to say you were " edgy " either, though the choice of words was probably a problem.

No need to worry, by the way, I don't think defending yourself is rude as I do understand why my paragraph might have been confusing — as I said I tend to overthink about things and I suppose my guesses were fogged by it as I don't know much about you either through this veil anonymity grants you. I hope you do not feel annoyed by what I said — if that's the case, though then my apologies for this again.

[vvhitecloud]

sighhh why amusing again,,, same for you tho. that's exactly the opinion i had about you, and i suspected that you were using exactly this tactic. it's more related to your bpd tho, so i'm still bad at analysis lmao.

but hey, what will you do if i just don't confirm your guesses or, on the contrary, decide to start confusing you? as for me, that would be quite funny, hehe.

and let me ask you one more question. what do you think i think of you?

You are right as it is mostly related to my bpd, as for if you started confusing me then I suppose it would simply be even more entertaining. I already guessed and proved that you lied to me about certain things — i only found it interesting though and wouldn't mind if you did it again. Actually, I have been thinking about some other lies you mayhaps told me but that's a topic for another time.

Mhm honestly, I feel like you might be somewhat close to gasping how I am, which is partly why I found it surprising when you said you're bad at analysing. Though I do wonder if you're mayhaps asking this to know what i think about myself through describing how I think you think of me so I'll be staying neutral on my ideas.

Considering you seem to understand what BPD is more than the average person, I suppose you view the as someone who manipulate others out of boredom and entertainment while still seeking a deep connection — as toxic as it could possibly be. It also looks like you see me as quite intelligent and I guess it's that quality along with the similarities I have with you that started interesting you as a whole — along with being the reason why you're still talking to me now instead of leaving after three days like you usually do. Perhaps you view me as someone interesting enough to entertain you for a while — I also have the feeling you believe you know me enough to toy with me or mayhaps you believe you gasp my identity enough to play with me for a while though I might be wrong.

Let me know if any of these guesses were right or not — there are more obviously but they're too abstract to be uttered for now.

[vvhitecloud]

i can never be sure that i "understand" someone, especially considering that the vast majority of people are not willing to be frank, no matter how non-judgmental i am, or they take an extremely long time to do so. but yeah, o usually rely solely on the other person's knowledge of themselves. if i do think about them, i then voice my guesses and let them judge. the human mind is interesting, but it's incredibly scary to think about. especially when i have very little social experience due to... social phobia, should we say? again, i don't like to use terms as a non-professional, but this is the best way i can describe it. and what about you? when do you begin to understand a person? what does it take?

I'll thank you for amusing me with an answer, I can't repeat enough how interesting I find it to be, really.

As for me, I tend to make guesses as soon as I meet someone new, no matter whether they seem interesting to me or not — it's more of a natural mechanism as I do not necessarily do it on purpose. I base most of my train on thoughts on these guesses and since I'm usually right about them, I trust them quite a lot. After this, I have two options; either I try going up to the person and talk to them — if I deem them to je interesting — or I simply wait for my guesses to be confirmed with time. I'll focus on the former option since it's the most interesting one here.

For some reasons people tend to trust me and open up to me a lot which means that I can get a better understanding of them quite fast I suppose. By talking to them and validating who they are and the things they do, they simply keep on opening up until I can fully get an understanding of them — the way I talk to them in order to get my answers obviously depends on my previous guesses as they led me to adopt the correct type of speech and personality I need to show them in order for them to trust me.

I guess you could say most of it is about deception though at the same time, the personalities I choose to take are usually close to my own as I find it too time consuming to make up a brand new one — so it's technically still me, I simply show them what they would like to see.