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Why I Ran 100 Miles

It honestly has been such a journey to just process this last weekend. Whenever I sit down to write a bit, my throat closes up, my eyes get all watery and I am just overwhelmed with emotions. Nearly all positive emotions. Gratitude? Off the charts. Joy? Off the charts. God is so good. I have my “What I Learned” section first to spare you from reading to whole recap of the race if you don’t want to but if you want to I will rewind to late last week and then roll briefly through the race below in the “Race Recap” section. As always, writing is therapeutic to me so this is really only meant to help me process what just happened but if it’s enjoyable for you to read as well then two birds stoned at once is always better than one stoned alone. I think thats how the saying goes..?

What I Learned

I learned so much about myself in this process. I love love love the idea that small daily decisions can allow you to do things you think are impossible. I am deeper convinced that you should take time to commit to something but when you do, go all in. When I committed to this race, I gave up jobs, relationships, fun nights etc. to chase this dream. It was a selfish decision. I don’t think that it was selfish in a bad way to make that choice, however, knowing what I gave up to be here, I want to be able to focus time into those things. Into a career, relationships, fun nights. Those are all really good things. They had to take a side or back seat for a little to accomplish this dream, but that’s okay. I think it would be selfish for me, just for me, not speaking for anyone else, but for me to continue to train as hard as I did. I am so excited to be able to focus time into other things but I learned that small daily decisions will change your life. Thats true for time with God in his word, time with friends in conversation, and running. That can be true for you if you want to learn guitar, or skateboarding, enjoy a great marriage or whatever. Make small decisions every day that get you closer to that dream.

I learned I can do really hard things. Training was really hard. 100k was really hard. 100 miles was really hard. Waking up early for workouts was really hard. Giving up a lot of fun things was really hard. BUT, in all the hard, that is where I can find out who I really am. Who are you when things are hard? It is easy to define yourself when life is easy, but when your back is up against the wall, do you give up? When you’re 19 hours into a 100 mile race, do you give up? When you take that cold shower, do you give up after 5 seconds? When you say you want to wakeup early, but the snooze is right there, what do you do? Doing hard things forces you to grow. I want to be a better version of myself. For those around me, for God, for myself. Doing hard things gives you the space to say “This is who I am when things are hard. I am someone who will not give up”. It allows you to handle the hard better.

I learned that people have a deep desire to also do hard things and since you are doing something hard, they want to talk about it. I have had so many awesome conversations with people about the why, about training, about goals and dreams and about how we can get to that goal. It fired me up so much to hear some people sign up for a half-marathon, or a walking challenge because they saw me do this race. We all can do hard things, and you will be so glad you did. 

You ask what’s next? I do not have any races planned. I just accepted a new job that I am THRILLED about. I am excited to focus some time into that. I am excited for new and old relationships to continue to develop. I am excited about where God has me and is taking me. God has been so so good to me. In the pain and suffering, I felt God, In the highest of highs, I felt God. I am thankful to have so many people who help me focus my gaze on his feet, not mine. Praise you, God.

More than anything, I am so grateful for this experience. It has been one of the coolest journeys in my life. Truly.

The race recap is below. I separated it from this stuff because I know it might be tedious to ready through. I do think it’s a fairly good insight to my brain throughout the day if you have some time to read it and want to but wanted to get these things at you first. A little different of a blog from your boy, but nonetheless a joy to process this with you. Thank you for reading and if you did, shoot me a text with your favorite part. 7192319006.

I love you. I swear.

Race Recap

For almost the entirety of the year, August 19th seemed so far away. Even when we started getting to about a month out, it felt like it was a date that didn’t even exist. It wasn’t until Wednesday, August 16th, that it started to feel real for me. The nerves started to ramp up. The week running wise had been super slow so the body was starting to feel healed up and ready to go. I had just gone up to Leadville to be there through the weekend and was sleeping in a new place around Alec and his crew getting ready for the race as well. The magic of Leadville started to really take a hold of me. We were in one of the most beautiful places, the highest incorporated city in North America, about to spend a day or more exploring the forest with our feet. I surprisingly slept fairly well the night before the race. With a 2:00am wakeup call, I was in bed at 7:30pm and got some decent shut eye. Waking up a half hour before my alarm, I couldn’t dream of those eyes shutting again so the day officially starts at 1:30am. I got up, got my breakfast made (my classic smoothie and some cinnamon rolls) and started to wake the body up. I had a great rollout session, some good stretching and muscle activation and all of a sudden the house was bustling with everyone else waking up and getting ready to head to the start. The energy was hard to control, but I had some tunes rolling, was trying to just remain super chilled out as we headed out the door. No need to let the emotions go crazy yet, it’s going to be a long day. Justin, Jenny and myself hopped in a car and got going to the start line. Jenny and I hopped out close to the start and Justin went to park the car. We had plenty of time after getting my pre-run stretch routine done and just about then we bumped into Alec and the three of us sat on a bench for a bit just trying to relax before we headed into the starting corral. It got close to 3:45a, we got out last little bit of pee out and headed to the start.

Alec and I gave each other our best, a good hug, and then we were off on our own ways. I got into the corral and started making my way up the group a little bit. The first section bottlenecks down to a single track trail about 5 miles into the race so I wanted to stage myself a bit to avoid getting stuck behind a slower group (make no mistake, I was still running slow, some groups just really take their time). Gave a couple people around me a fist bump and probably a really lame joke and then boom. The gun goes off and we are running. I didn’t have my headlamp on because so many people around me did and it was so fun to just take in the start. It’s the most congested the race ever is and I wanted to enjoy being around a bunch of other “crazy” people before we all get spread out. The first 3ish miles are all on a dirt road with a slight decline. And boy oh boy were people running really fricken fast. Guys mostly would hop off the road on either side and let out a little more liquid. I did the same. It’s wild how much was in my system at the start because 15 minutes after my first leak I had to go again. So grateful that process is a little easier for us gentlemen but there were some bold women out there as well. Ha. I ran a bit right behind Adam Klink from BPN which was fun but really just started settling into what would be a long day. I was behind a group starting around the single track trail around Turquoise Lake and the leader took us off trail briefly. We all panicked and tried to find the pink trail markers again which were very close by, thank the Lord. This was the first rhythm finding of the day. We just trucked along at an easy pace around the lake knowing the easiest part of the race was done. It was still dark but the sky started turning that not black pitch of blue that early morning risers see. We got out of the trail and onto the pavement and I knew I would be able to ditch the headlamp as we were getting more and more light every second it seemed.

I made my way up through the Mayqueen campground and then saw the mass of people. I found Mike, Chris and Kyle relatively fast. We walked through the lines of people exchanging water bottles, restocking on food, getting a pop tart down and then I was off. That aid station went super fast. I got onto the Colorado Trail and started finding the rhythm again. Some really bold guy decided to hop 5 FEET off trail and go number 2. I laughed a bit but as I passed him and took a whiff of the most foul number 2 smell I can describe, my laughs turned to gagging really quick. That gagging turned into my first expulsion from my body for the day. “Great” I thought. I felt much better after that but was slightly bummed my first throw up came so early in the day. We got out of the trees and onto the Hagerman pass road, trucked along that for a bit before turning up the 4x4 road up Sugarloaf pass. Ran most of that before turning on the power hike for the slightly steeper sections. Got to the top relatively quick and then cruised down the Powerline side. That run down was really fun. Was ripping and just having a great time. Turned onto the pavement, got into another groove and started being able to see the Outward Bound aid station. The cars park there in the dirt so there was this huge plume of dirt in the air in the distance. Made for a pretty cool sight and was easy to distinguish how much further to go until we got there.

Pulled in, found Tom and Chris and started walking towards the rest of our crew. So many people were using my name telling me good luck and I had no idea how they knew what my names was. Then I look to my left and my cousin Tom is holding a huge sign that just says KEVIN on it in all caps. Love that guy. I saw Michael and Alexis and my Mom and Dad for the first time which was a boost. We changed into a t-shirt for the hotter part of the day, got sunscreen and sunglasses on, ate an english muffin with honey and got out of there. I can’t begin to tell you how great everyone on my crew did. They CRUSHED. I found a guy that I had run some of Powerline down with and just got on his feet and trucked along with him for a bit. I knew getting into a rhythm on this section would be a great idea to bank some time. I came to find out he had raced this race 6 times before. I knew I was in good company so I asked if I could just hang on him for a bit and he said yes. We cruised all the way to Pipeline where he dropped off to get some aid from his crew. I skipped this crew aid station and opted to just stay in the rhythm. I started getting low on water but knew the Halfpipe aid station would be coming up soon so I wasn’t too worried. I thought I knew where the aid station was going to be and I came up on another aid station earlier than expected. Not knowing if this was Halfpipe, and not asking either like a weenie, I only filled one of my bottles and kept going thinking I would hit another one pretty soon. I sure did not. Even the fluids only aid station had not been set up yet. I hit my first little bit of concern for the day being dry on fluids for 40 or so minutes heading into Twin Lakes.

I got into Twin and made my way down to where my crew was. Another relatively quick aid station, I attempted to get some pickle juice down as a preventative measure against cramping which had not been a problem yet and just couldn’t get it to go down. Bleh. The stuff my mom bought was SO STRONG. Ew. No good. Ate a nutella sandwich, restocked gels, waffles and liquids, more sunscreen and I was off again. Saw Al’s crew cheering which gave me a boost and headed for the river. Did the river crossing which felt SO GOOD. Freezing water flowing over tired feet was dreamy. Left there and got into the trees to start the first climb over Hope Pass. Settled into a good groove of power hiking and just turned the brain off and went to work. I thought I might use music or podcasts at this point but I forgot to ask for my headphones in Twin Lakes and I sure as hell wasn’t going to turn around to go get them. Finally started reaching the meadows in the basin just below the pass, saw the llamas who brought the aid station supplies up. Gave them a nod and a thank you and got fluids refilled at the aid station there, made the final push to the summit and then flew down the back of Hope. About halfway down was when I passed JP, the guy in first place, who at that point was probably 8ish miles ahead. CRUISING. Dude looked good. Made it into Winfield with the intention of not sitting down and spending as little time as possible there. Got some DELICIOUS watermelon, turned and burned.

Making the way back to Hope Pass for round two and I ran into Alec. So fun to see him and see him crushing. Quick little boost from that and seeing another friend from an earlier race in the year, I got to the climb and knew it was going to be a grind. This was probably the hardest physical part of the race. The backside of Hope is really fricken steep. The kind of steep where your heels don’t touch the ground very much as you ascend. Another settle into a groove and grind time. What felt like forever was finally over as we got to the top and started descending first to the Hopeless aid station and then to Twin Lakes. This was when I started feeling pretty lonely out there. There weren't many people around me and I would pass a few hikers every 15 minutes or so. I could tell I was starting to get to the point where I needed someone to run with. Crossed the river again which was incredible. Splashed some water on my face and got into a trot to Twin Lakes. Connected with Tom before the aid station to let him know what I wanted. Fun story about a DNF (did not finish) fakeout that threw everyone in my crew and spectators for a loop later. This aid station was my longest and it was planned that way. I did a full change of clothes, a baby wipe shower, talked with my coach briefly on the phone (shoutout Morgan Murri. Such a legend) brushed my teeth and ate a hamburger and slammed some Redbull. My first real caffeine for the day. I felt like a new man leaving that aid station. Justin Makkay hopped on the train and I was finally not alone.

We climbed out of Twin and got to the top before getting into a decent groove back to Outward Bound. The sunset between Twin and Outward Bound and was gorgeous. Such a joy and another quick boost of energy just soaking in God’s beauty. Golden hour was such a highlight. We turned our headlamps on and I knew that now that the sun was gone, it’s game on. This is where we really turn the work on because one of the dreams was to chase the sun and beat it up. I didn’t want to refresher on the second day that the sun coming up gives you. I wanted to be done before that. We got to Pipeline and saw a few people, quick refresh before heading to OB. We had a pretty good rhythm all the way to Outward Bound. Another round of eating and refreshing before the second to last segment. As I was heading out of OB, I heard some voices yelling my name. I saw my Noah’s crew for the first time and oh man did that give be a BIG boost. Some of them earlier in the week told me they were going to come see me in Twin Lakes. When I went through TL and left without seeing them I was pretty bummed thinking I wouldn’t see any of them the rest of the race. When I saw them at Outward Bound I was so stinking happy. It was such a surprise and filled my cup quite a bit. I am sorry to whoever’s jacket I got Nutella on during our group hug.. I thought about that way too much haha.

Leaving OB with a full cup, I threw some of that cup up. Just liquids so we were all good. Justin and I started the Powerline climb and were doing great for a while. Then all of a sudden I am puking my brains out. Justin and I both whisper some profanities knowing it was more than just liquid in this one. We both knew I needed to eat something soon which gratefully Space Camp aid station was coming up. That climb was mentally really hard especially after yucking up everything. Fought some demons for sure and was deep in the pain cave. This was when I started wanting it all to be over. We had a little less than 5 hours to go and all I wanted was for it do be done. I probably could have done a better job framing this in my head, but lessons learned. Justin shared some great stoic wisdom here that “the only way is through” and “you will love the person on the other side if you keep going but will despise the person on the other side if you give up”. We finally made our way into Mayqueen, the last aid station, and my buddy Chris asks me what I need. I had been prepping for this moment. “For this to be over”. This was the first time my crew saw me not in the best mood. It was the first time for me coming into an aid station that I wasn’t excited. I wanted to get the heck out of there and be done knowing still we had 3+ hours to go. At this point I knew we were good for a sub-25 finish. Sub-24 was the question and I had a hilarious thought. If I go sub-24, I can’t tell anyone I have run for 24 hours before. What a dumb thing to think but I think it settled my brain a little to take some pressure off and not feel like we had to dive deeper and deeper into the cave just to go sub-24. The goal from the start was sub-25 and we had plenty of time to make that happen.

I picked up Jenny, my pacer for the last section, and we headed off into the single track. She kept trying to get me to run which I appreciated but was struggling to do. We got to the last big long road climb and decided to power hike at a good pace til the end. It was kind of cool because that whole road was lined with these big signs of all the previous years winners. Starting in 1983 and culminating in 2022. At about the 2002 sign, I was sick of seeing them. It felt like we still had so long to go. We turned onto 6th street and got to the top of the hill before turning the gas on for one last push. I knew this would be an emotional time and I had every intention of soaking it all in. I started struggling to breathe, tears started flowing. I heard everyone yelling and boy did the reflection start. Just thinking about all the work put in, all the time invested from myself and other people, the things sacrificed to be here. The fun nights that everyone at Noah's got to enjoy while I was in bed getting ready for an early workout the next day. It all was flashing in front of my eyes and I was a wreck. One of the best moments in my life. I saw an even bigger crowd of Noah's people, I saw my crew, and we all headed into the finish line together. What a treat it was to cross the line with them. This was such a team effort and I really do believe I had one of the best crews out there. Everyone handled their role so so well. My pacers were so encouraging and joyful to be around. The whole day was a treat. I got my finisher medal, hugged Merilee and Ken, and got my BIG BUCKLE! LFG! Got to hug all my people and get pictures with everyone. My heart was so full and my legs were so empty. Such a fascinating experience. Final time of 24:15:03 good for 58/826.

From there we headed back to the house. Showered and chatted a bit about the day. This is when I found out about the DNF scare. I guess right before I got into Twin Lakes Inbound, the website updated and said I DNF’d. My crews hearts dropped and the concern skyrocketed. It didn’t really make sense because I was heading down Hope pass towards Twin Lakes so to DNF in that section didn’t make any sense unless I had a nasty injury and maybe was getting airlifted or stretchered down (which aren’t really options). My cousin Tom meeting me so far before the aid station was to get eyes on me and make sure I was okay. He had a car ready if I needed to go to the hospital. He called the crew and let them know I was all good. I saw some texts after the race with condolences because they thought I dropped out. Praise God that didn’t happen because I would dread having to go back to do it again. I didn’t see my Noahs crew at Twin because they thought I had dropped out. The whole situation was comical. My crew made the choice not to tell me anything about that situation until after the race which was a good idea. I guess it was just an input error and 391 dropped, not me, 392. 

After sharing some funny stories from the day, we headed back to the finish line to watch Alec cross. What a freaking champ dude. Being on his crew last year and us collectively coming up short was such a bummer. I was so stoked to see him cross that finish line. We have trained a bunch together and had so many conversations about this race and how we have grown in its process. Way to go, Alec. So dang proud of you.

Mike, Jenny, Chris, Kyle and I went to breakfast. Slammed some delicious food before heading back to the finish line to watch the last hour. That last hour is such an inspiring thing. These people have suffered for so long, eaten so many gels and other disgusting things and even had the pressure of chasing cut-off times at previous aid stations all day. I cannot imagine what that is like to the brain. Needless to say, the last hour is an inspiring thing to see. I loved seeing people soak up the moment and let go of their emotions. What a human experience. 

We then headed back to the house, packed up, headed back to BV and slammed some pizza before passing out for a nap. 3.5 hours later, woke up, ate some dinner, passed out again for sleep.

Since Sunday, I have been feeling exponentially better every day. I am still getting back to 100% and full expect that to take some time to get to. I am catching up on sleep, calories, rest and silence and solitude. I am cherishing these moments as some of the best in my life. God is good.

Shoutouts here to:

Jenny Ryan and Justin Makkay - Pacers, long hours spent running together, encouragement

Mom and Dad - Food King and Queen, supporting me through this whole thing

Mike Bacciarini - Checklist Chief, book club dawg and processing training and life with me

Kyle Shiller - Timing Emperor, book club dawg and processing training and life with me

Chris Grall - Fluids Commander, been at all my big races. Loyalty

Tom Warren - Vest Manager, a dude I look up to a bunch

Michael and Alexis Rhodes - Doing whatever was needed, your friendship

My Noah’s Fam - True Inspirations and some of the kindest people ever

Rob Williams and Daniel Carr - For a job while training and letting me be back in one of my favorite places ever

Coach Morgan Murri - The one who knows my training the most and has hit me with encouragement exactly when I needed it, pushed me when I need it, and gave me so much amazing insight into the crazy sport of Ultra Running

Literally everyone I know - For being so dang supportive of this crazy dream. Couldn’t do it without my tribe.

Words cannot describe my gratitude to all of you. This dream was a team effort and you are my team. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU

[wadupkev]

Why I Don’t Share My Birthday

April was by far my favorite month growing up. Selfishly? Maybe, but who doesn’t love their birth month? Mom would make her signature brownies to take to class (back before allergies restricted the love of moms on their children and classmates), I’d be planning my birthday party (maybe even having a co-ed party this year! Eeeeeek!), and looking forward to Christmas round two. April was full of joy, celebration, love, cake, laser tag, sleepovers, hugs, cards in the mail with my name on them, my first crush’s birthday, and all around smiles. It was that way for a long time. I looked forward to it every year. 

Celebrating my friends on their birthdays has also always been something I’ve loved doing. I’ve never been the best gift giver, and even though I joked about it above, my birthday highlights were rarely ever the gifts recieved (not that they were bad gifts). Gift giving ranks as my last love language. Scoring a whopping zero or maybe one each time I retake the test to see how closely mine line up with whomever I am interested in at the time. My celebration of others often comes in the way of quality time and trying to make my friends feel loved and celebrated (although I am certainly not perfect at this and I do forget a birthday here and there and am not proud about it).  It’s become my favorite question to ask people on their birthdays. “Do you feel loved and celebrated?" We deserve to feel both of those things as humans. Those are two things that I think the world would be better to fully embrace but I also recognize that those two words can mean very different things to very different people so let me break down what I mean when I say "loved and celebrated".

Loved. Feeling loved means having people who care for your well being, sit with you in the suck, party with you on the mountain top, and tell you how it is. They don’t gas you up just because you’re friends, they don’t always approve of your actions (because love and approval do not go hand and hand), and they challenge you to help you grow, not tear you down. Calling a friend in a time of need or even when you haven’t talked in a while, keeping up with your people, being curious and asking questions (a lot of questions!) about their past experiences, current circumstances, futures hopes and dreams, telling them you love them (not “love you”, but “I love you” because we all need to hear that), giving them a hug, saying you appreciate them, spending quality, undisturbed, time with them are all ways to show love. All of these things you can do with people you don’t see eye to eye with. I recognize saying this might bring up some emotions in you, but I want this to be super clear, especially to those of you reading this who claim Jesus and Christianity. I read once that you should “love the sinner and hate your own sin”. We aren’t called to judge. We are called to love. In very few cases are we to even bring up the actions of another to them or the church. You know the whole plank in your own eye scripture right? That applies to you. We are called to love and that means your neighbor who voted a different way than you did and has the sign in their front lawn. That means inviting people in to your home to break bread at the dinner table even though some people at your church might say they shouldn’t be there. That means not only ever spending time around people who believe the same thing as you. Jesus dined with sinners. He had them at the dinner table all the time. He showered them in love. Note that he didn’t sin with sinners, but he ate dinner with them. He spent time around them. He loved them a lot. But guess what? You are the them that he spent time with. And not to rank sin or anything, but he spent time with people who murdered others, who cheated their neighbors, who literally put him to death. To love someone and show them love means to not put a filter over the people that get your love. Otherwise no one really gets the love. And don’t be shy with it. Give it to everyone, all the time. All the love, all the time. Christian or not, our world would look so much brighter with unfiltered love from everyone. 

Celebrated. Celebration! To celebrate someone means to honor them! To remind them they are unique, special, loved and needed. Our birthdays are such an amazing time to party with friends in celebration. Party however you chose. Hearing from friends, getting taken to dinner, having a cake made for you, you know the feeling! You can feel it a bit right now just reading those words! It feels so good. Notice that this doesn’t say to celebrate someone means to agree with everything they do. No, in fact, it’s the opposite. It’s putting aside those differences and acknowledging that we all could use to feel celebrated once in a while and it just so happens that we have a birthday every year. However, this should not dictate how many times you should celebrate others or be celebrated. Once a year is far to little. Celebrate the small things. There are two ways to see life. One, as though nothing is a miracle or two, as if everything is a miracle. Joy overflows from a heart ready to celebrate the everyday miracle. Party and celebrate whenever possible.

For the longest time, really up until now, I’ve not wanted to be loved and celebrated on my birthday. Even now it feels a bit weird. As a kid, I loved it. Staying up late with the guys for a sleepover, TP’ing our crushes house, playing Rock Band til 3am, Facebook posts from the random person who you met once at an event years ago, all things I loved to do and experience. In high school, April started getting a little cloudy for me. Things started happening in and around my birthday that made me shell up and made me want to avoid the Facebook posts, text messages, calls and cakes. April 17th, 2011, my grandma on my mom’s side passed away. She was my first grandparent that I remember spending a significant amount of time with. A true legend and a very loving woman. April 7th, 2012, a good friend that I looked up to passed away in a climbing accident. Another rockstar, who loved others so well and pushed me in my faith. April 17th, 2013 a friend of mine that I met and spent time with on a trip to South Africa passed away in an apparent suicide. Someone who made the shock of what we experienced in Africa palatable in a unique way. After the second year in a row in just felt like something wrong was going to happen close to my birthday and it did. It didn’t feel good. I was confronted with death in a way I had never experienced it before. It was hard. I remember vaguely going into college, gathering friends together on my birthday to be around the people I loved, which was great and healthy and should have been what I kept doing, but I started feeling some guilt for celebrating during the time that it felt like I should be honoring these people who had passed. It might sound silly but it was what I was feeling.

Since then it has been something I have forcibly kept quiet. People ask when my birthday is and I try to gauge if its a conversation where they are going to remember after the conversation what I said or not. I would try to get away just with saying “April” hoping that answer would suffice for why they were asking. It often wasn’t enough and I would timidly say that I don’t like to share it. That would typically be met with confusion or more questioning trying to get me to spill the beans. Sometimes people even reach for my wallet to check my ID. As I look back I don’t blame them at all, I really don’t. I myself often try to find out quickly when someones birthday is and try to put it somewhere that will allow me to remember it. I just bought a perpetual calendar and I am pumped about it. I am not scared to use reminders. If you can remember everyones birthday off the top of your head, you’re a genius unicorn. Good for you. I am no unicorn and need all the help I can get. Even then I forget sometimes. But in the moment, for a long time, it was a how-long-can-I-keep-this-quiet kind of topic for me. Coasting through the years, getting a call or text from a few people on my birthday, keeping it a secret from the rest of the people I met was how I operated. I am not super proud of that, but it was how I dealt with the things that happened around that month.

I used my Ironman in 2018 as a crutch to look past my birthday towards another date in April. A distraction of sorts. But since then, I have started to question why I keep the date a secret. It really started with my mom prying and asking why I didn’t share it, asking why it wasn’t on Facebook or why I wasn’t inviting people over anymore. Telling me in the most mom loving way to “Get over it. Everyone deserves to be celebrated”. And after a while I started to believe her. I started to see how if I love to celebrate others, others love to do the same and in a way I am depriving them of the chance to show love in a way that they know how. It was selfish of me to do. We also have been reading recently in book club about the importance of keeping up relationships. How loneliness is an epidemic leading to and a cause of nearly all major diseases. Having and living in healthy community can boost your health significantly. That isn’t just mental health either! Your body will operate better living in rich community close to or in the area you live. Yes, FaceTime is great, but nothing replaces submersion and quality time with people you see daily, that love you for you, who live physically close to you. Boy oh boy is that hard to build as an adult! Isn’t it just easier to have the night to yourself, lock the door, crack open a bottle of wine and enjoy some Netflix? It takes several decisions to get off work and go home to change, take a quick breath and then leave again to do something with people you just met and have no idea if you even like yet while going through the painful small talk that seems to revolve around the same few topics with nearly everyone it happens with. Saying you hate small talk is not a personality trait. It can be painful, but it is necessary in every relationship other than maybe your Uber Eats driver (speaking as one myself). Embrace it and find a way to have fun with it. How many questions can you get in to someone before they ask you something about yourself? It can be fun. Making friends as an adult can be far from fun until it happens or until you find the community that you click with. That you ~vibe~ with. Emphasis added for anyone younger than me reading this. However, it is so crucial to sit in the “unfun” for a little bit. We have gotten so soft trying to make everything in our lives comfortable and easy. Just because making friends, in a city you know little about and maybe know even fewer people isn’t the easiest thing in the world does not mean you should resort to dinner and tv by yourself every night. Be uncomfortable for a little bit. Suck it up. Or as Mama Flanegin wisely said, “Get over it”. Seriously! I don’t mean to sound harsh, or make my mom sound harsh. She is the sweetest woman out there. But your life is at stake here! Make some friends. Create community. Dive deep into getting to know who the people around you are. Do things together. Create those bonds! Send the text inviting your neighbors over. How sad is it that most people do not even know the names of the people they live right next to! Our doors should not be something that we shut to block us from the rest of the world and give ourselves privacy, but a doorway into relationship for those who live around you. You have to be the one to do this because rarely is your neighbor going to be. And if they are then lucky you, accept the invite. Show up. Don’t flake. Go to the Taco Night!

Two of my friends, Nate and Suz,  started hosting a Taco Night every Thursday night because someone did that for them before they moved cities. It happens every Thursday night. Look on their calendar and you will see it every Thursday. They make time for it. It is consistent, it is easy, they don’t ask you to bring anything (although it would be kind if you did). They tell you to bring whoever you want and they mean it. All they want is for you to be at their table. And their table might be messy when you show up. They may not have a dinner party outfit on but Rosaria Butterfield in her incredible book, The Gospel Comes with a House Key, says that “Hospitality is necessary whether you have cat hair on the couch or not. People will die of chronic loneliness sooner than they will cat hair in the soup”. You have to be the one to do this. Take it on. You can do it! The people around you are craving it. We all want to be a part of community. Few ever take the initiative to do something about it. You have the ability to be a literal lifesaving agent in peoples lives. And all of this is good practice even outside of loving Jesus. But for those of us that claim Jesus? This should be, no question, a critical part of your life and your ministry.  Not because you want to change someones mind on what they believe, but because this is exactly what Jesus did.

I want to be careful to not make this an ego thing for me. I recognize that this blog could be seen as someone begging for attention on his birthday or hoping to finally get flooded with calls and texts. I promise I do not need those things to fill some attention need. To me, this is just me getting something off my chest. Writing has always helped me do that and I hope that if you have read all the way to here, that you too get something out of this. This is an unloading of a bit of real life that has made for a weirdly tensioned month in my world for a while. A way to get back to normal. Back to looking forward to this month as a chance to reconnect with so many people that I love. Back to feeling loved and celebrated. To eat a few brownies with my friends. That is my hope. I promise to get back to you if you FaceTime, or call or voice memo, or text on my birthday. Know now that it means the world to me. I would love to hear how you are doing, what’s going on in your life, what made you smile today and what songs you're listening to or even what's making you hurt a little bit.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am taking some time away from social media besides getting on to get this story out there so if you did read this and wouldn’t mind, shoot me a text or call or whatever. I would really appreciate it. I genuinely would love to hear from you. Yes, you! You reading this who maybe we haven’t talked in years. 719-231-9006.

My birthday is April 18th and for the first time in a while I am truly looking forward to that day.

I am so grateful for you. I love you. The good Lord loves you. Let’s party.

All the love.

[wadupkev]

Why I Am in a Book Club

…shhhh. If you would like to cheat and get all the wisdom of the books I have read without reading my blog, just scroll to the bottom of the page where the list starts. Buttttttt if you want to make me smile a little bigger, start right here!

December of 2019 was the first year I ever had a goal for the number of books I wanted to read in that time frame. Yes, I did indeed grow up doing summer reading at the local library. I probably lied then just like I lied in high school about actually doing the reading. What can I say, the free Wendy’s frosty prizes as an 8-year-old were too good to pass up, but too little to do the actual work for. I was probably spending my time training for the Guitar Hero competitions that that same local library put on. That’s where people thought you were cool. Not book club. 

The goal for 2019 was 12 books. One book a month. If I am being super honest, I think I had probably read, front to back, maybe, MAYBE 10 books total in my life up until this point. And I know… Mrs. Anthony (my favorite high school English teacher aka lil’ Trish) is not going to be happy about this but reading just was not my thing. It was way more fun to slam some Mountain Dew Voltage and play COD or take the bikes around the Briarhood than it was to sit and read. However, those ten books I did read? Loved them. Hunger Games? Come on. There was no way that Katniss Everdeen wasn’t a total babe. Jennifer Lawrence proved that. I will admit that it was pretty cool to be able to answer the questions in English class about the book having actually read them even if that was a rare occurrence. The dread that washes over you when you get called on to answer something and you only barely skimmed the sparknotes ten minutes before class. Those moments were no doubt, the most stressful part of my high school days. 

Fast forward to December 26th of 2019. That year I wanted to read one book per month. HA. I had read 8 books and it was the 26th of December. 4 books to go with 5 days left in the year. And if you are doing any sort of mental math here.. My stats for the year would have been completing one book every 45 days. So.. a little behind schedule and a little crunched for time. Odds of reading one book in 5 days are not good at all but odds of reading 4 books? Practically impossible. And I can hear it already. “I read 60 books last year, 4 books in 5 days on vacation should be easy” and to that I say kick rocks. Think this guy reads a million words per minute? No chance. I was however optimistic on the way to Mexico that I brought 5 books. Did I bring 5 of the shortest books in my arsenal? Yes, I did. Did I read 4 and hit my goal? I did not. I read 3. Yes. I was bummed. I really wanted to read 12 books, but did I really want it if I didn’t make it enough of a priority? Anyways. In between that fake surfing machine on the pier and drinking who knows what at Señor Frogs, I managed to sneak in more reading in those 5 days than I did in most of the year. 11 books, one year. I was fairly proud of that. 

But if you know me, you know when I set a goal that I do everything I can to accomplish it. And in that year, I did not accomplish it. I also did not do everything I could to accomplish it. So, the next year was easy to make the same idea of 12 books the goal again. Was that year 2020? Hahaha yes it was. Was that year arguably one of the easiest years to have time to dedicate to reading? Also, yes it was. Like a lot of people, the ‘rona pandie was a shock to my extrovert system. I found myself with a lot of time on my hands (and for those of you who have read my blogs in the past you know this was the time I was living at home after getting my master’s not really knowing what would happen). I will save you the expectation of thinking I read like 30 books that year and let you know I read 15. 3 more than the original goal! I was pumped up about it too. I had been invited to join a book club with a good chunk of guys. A lot of whom I knew from playing sports in high school against them and mutual friends. We read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coehlo together. It was my first experience as a part of a book club, and I loved it. Getting to chat with guys who had the mindset and desire to grow was so inspiring. Unfortunately, that club dissipated after the first book not because a lack of value, but logistics for getting 7+ people together for a weekly call was really difficult. 

That’s when one of my best friends from growing up, Kyle, reached out and asked if I wanted to read a book called “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman. I said absolutely and we were off on what was, and still to this day might be, the brainiest book I have read. It had a lot of great content, but for my amateur reader mind, I struggled through it. It was hard honestly. Some books are like that, just super up there in the sky for the brainiac people. Kyle is one of those guys. So fricken’ smart. But not just the book smarts. Heck, he’s reading a book on emotional intelligence as well! I think we would both agree it was not our favorite book, but it did start a bond that would develop big time in the coming months. After that book, we decided to keep going. To start another one. Coincidentally at this time I had been catching up with a good friend of mine from college. Honestly, I think Mike and mine’s relationship really started to grow after college. Mike had reached out asking if we could catch up on a call and we finally were able to make it happen. We FaceTimed and got to talking, and it may have been just really good timing because Kyle and I had just hung up the FT on our last meeting for the Emotional Intelligence book, so it was super fresh in my mind. After some really good conversation, it was really clear to me that Mike would one, be a great addition to our club, but two, was just as hungry to grow and learn as Kyle and I were at the time. And boy did this spark a fire that would last until the fat lady sings as they say. I invited Mike to the club, asked him to think about it and see if it could be a good fit. Boom. Club member number three was on board and arguable now we were actually a book club instead of just two dudes reading a book together. We were three. That’s a club if I ever knew one. I chose the next book or first book however you would like to look at it and we all agreed to the best gift exchange ever. The person picking the next book, which would rotate each time, would purchase that book for everyone. There is something about a package showing up at the door from someone else that makes you smile right? This allowed for a little mystery and joy each time we got a new book. And just as a sidenote * financially I am pretty sure we are all really close to, if not spot on even on what we have spent on books for the club. Books are pretty fricken’ cheap.

We decided to meet weekly, and that decision was one of the best choices we made early on. It meant that club had to be a priority. It also meant that we had other guys holding us accountable to both doing the reading AND showing up to the FaceTime. It likely would have been much easier to meet once a month and talk about the whole book, but easy isn’t the goal. Deep relationships with guys who want to grow as people was the goal. So, we met weekly, Sunday nights, from then on.

I will spare you the book-by-book analysis, but what I am continually blown away by is the commitment of Kyle and Mike to show up to club every week. And by every week, I mean all but one week since January 2021 we have met together either in person or via FT to talk about our weeks and the book. The sacrifice of time and willingness to be flexible around each other’s schedules is wild. If this was a love language it would be mine. Maybe it falls under Quality Time? In any case, I know that being a part of this club is a choice and when we get on a call every Sunday and sometimes Monday or Saturday night, I feel that love from these guys. No distractions, phones away, notifications turned off. I like to think I am a pretty reachable guy, but in book club, it wouldn’t matter if my own house was on fire, you would not be able to get me on a call. We start by sharing how the week has gone. And not like “Yeah, I had a good week, how about you?”, no no no, we get detailed about how the week has gone. Day by day analysis. Unhurried, unrushed. It takes the better half of our time, and I wouldn’t trade it. Doing life together (the name of a book we read on our first ever book club retreat) is often and should be about the people in which you life physically close to (yes I meant life. Could be live I guess but life sounds so peotic). There is an importance to knowing your neighbors, co-workers, and others that you see on the daily simply because they live close to you. That’s called community. Luckily with FaceTime and a weekly gathering for a couple hours, I really feel like these two are a part of my community from afar. I know that every week I am able to lay my burdens down in front of them without fear of judgement. I know that every week I can show up in a good mood or bad mood and be loved on either way. I know that every week I have people in my corner praying for me during that specific week. I know that every week there are other people hungry to grow in the lives through the power of reading. This is why I do book club. After weekly recaps we start chipping through the section of book we read that week and talk about the lines or sections that stuck out to us. The further into book club we got, the more we were able to connect one line from a book here to another line in a book there. Some ideas have been talked about at length over several books, some have come up once and not heard of again. All with the hope that they, if powerful enough, would shape into how we live.

I get to do life with these guys. That’s only half of the fricken’ equation too! We also READ! HAHAHA. Like Book Club, duh of course you read. Wow has my perspective on reading changed. I really do think for most people who hate reading, there is a ton of relief when school is finally over because reading was forced throughout all of school. And rarely did we decide what it was we were reading. But once that weight is lifted, and you get the choice to read what you want to read? Get outta town. The opportunities are endless. Quite literally. There are SO MANY BOOKS in the world, it’s absurd. Any topic you can think of. And guess what? Each book, in my eyes now, is someone’s best set of ideas and contributions to the world. Like someone sat down and put effort into getting their most important thoughts that they have about whatever it is they are passionate about out of their brain and onto paper just in hopes that it might help one other person. THAT IS INCREDIBLE. Do you not feel the weight in that? Someone’s best ideas and thoughts on paper. What an honor it is to read what they have to say.

This blog might be a little all over the place but the things I really want to say here is how cool it is to have people in your life that love and care for you so well. That looks like a lot of different things to me. The every once and a while catch up with old friends, the best. The FT in the middle of the workday from my parents, the best. The comment on an Instagram post engaging with the content instead of just scrolling past, the best. The getting together with old friends back at home or anywhere for that matter, the best. Getting to do life together with two dudes who are hungry for what the Lord has for them in life, who want to love other people well, who want to grow as men, quite literally the best. It’s. The. Best.

I could not recommend starting your own book club enough. If you want to read a book, do it. Ask someone if they want to join you. Unfortunately, if you ask me to read something with you the answer will most likely be no. Not because I don’t want to or think it wouldn’t be beneficial, but because I learned the importance of boundaries in a book we read on boundaries and I know saying yes to everything will take away from the things I have already said yes to. Schedule a time with your club to talk about what stood out to you. Have conversation about it! Do it together. Life is better together. The one riverbank I might put on this is to keep the group relatively small. Three people can already be hectic to try and find two hours every week to schedule together. That only increases in difficulty the more people you add to book club. This is not to say that I do not think all the time about how cool it would be to have more people in this thing. But I do think the value would start decreasing the more and more people are added. People’s voices become quieter, the loud ones lead every conversation, it just gets harder. To quote one of our most recent book club finishes, “Abundance destroys value. -Simon Sinek”. 

We have experienced a lot of life together now. Mike, Kyle and I. These dudes have seen me in really really high moments in life. They have also seen me deeeeeep in the valleys of struggle and despair of life. We have cried together, we have laughed together, we pray for each other together. We share this experience of life together and that might be the most beautiful part about it. My dad and I were having a conversation about book club one night and he said something along the lines of this thing (being book club) being one of those gems in life I will look back at in 50 years at as one of the most pivotal things I have committed to. And frick he is so right! This is a GEM! I hope in 50 years we are still doing this book club. I hope I have just a massive library of books in my home. And any of the books I have read? I want you to take! I am serious! Come to my place and pick one out. Seriously though if you want one of the books, it’s all yours. They say if you lend someone a book, don’t expect to get it back and boy is that true haha but I would love nothing more than for you to fall in love with reading like I have. It has literally changed and continues to shape how I live. And I am not saying that just so lil’ Trish loves me more than she already does. It truly has reworked the way I think about so many of life’s big questions.

Below, I have listed out every single book we have read in book club, and my at least one if not more favorite quote(s) from each book. We read 22 books together in 2021. This year we have read 18 books and it is only October. It really is not about the number of books, but the value we are digesting through them with each other. We have hard conversations with some of these books. We break down and cry with some of these books. We laugh hard with some of these books. We get challenged by some of these books. Experiencing these emotions allows us to experience life more fully! 

My advice? Start reading now. If you need some recommendations, I have put an * next to my all-time favorites that we have read on the list. Mark those books up too! Mike is going to hate that I say this, but I find I retain things best when I write them down. When a line sticks out to me, I underline it in the book with a pen, I dog ear the bottom corner of the page, and I put that quote in a note on my phone, so I have it forever. That also allows me to give that book to another person and keep my favorite parts of it without losing them forever.

Anyways, below are my favorite quotes from each book in order of how we read them. Thank you for reading this blog. As always, I am so grateful for you. I love you. I mean that. I hope this has made you think just a bit. Frick, if this is just a little note that just my mom reads, that would be enough. She is an absolute rock star. I love you, Mom! Be good.

1

Emotional Intelligence – Daniel Goleman

“The best formula for a complaint is “XYZ”. When you did X, it made me feel Y, and I’d rather you do Z instead.”

2

Think Life a Monk – Jay Shetty

“The more your personal spaces are devoted to single, clear purposes, the better they will serve you...in your mood and productivity.”

3

Dare to Lead – Brené Brown

“Trust is choosing to risk making something you value vulnerable to another person’s actions.”

4

*The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry – John Mark Comer

“Hurry kills joy, gratitude, appreciation; people in a rush don’t have time to enter the goodness of the moment. It kills wisdom; wisdom as born in the quiet, the slow. Wisdom has its own pace. It makes you wait for it-wait for the inner voice to come to the surface of your tempestuous mind, but not until the waters of thought settle and calm”

“Remember: the question we should be constantly asking as followers of Jesus isn’t actually, what would Jesus do? The more helpful question is, what would Jesus do if he were me? If he had my gender, my career, my income, my relationship status? If he was born the same year as me? Lived in the same city with me? To follow Jesus is to ask that question until our last breath.”

5

Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man – Emmanuel Acho

“Everyone, and I mean everyone, has biases. It’s the job of empathetic and considerate people not to let them dictate actions that harm others.”

6

*Cry Like a Man – Jason Wilson

“As men, we must take care of ourselves by truthfully expressing ourselves with other men we can trust.”

7

*Boundaries – Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

“As iron sharpens iron, we need confrontation and truth from others to grow.”

“Don’t leave things to chance with people who matter to you.”

“Forgiveness is something that we do in our hearts; we release someone from a debt they owe us. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me.”

8

single. dating. engaged. married. – Ben Stuart

“Dating is not a status to dwell in, but a process to move through.”

9

Love Does – Bob Goff

“When people realize there’s no agenda other than friendship and better understanding, it changes things.”

10

Disappearing Church – Mark Sayers

“Salvation does not come as a work of self-improvement, but as a divine shock, an undeserved gift given.”

11

Tuesdays with Morrie – Mitch Albom

“As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on - in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.”

12

*Don’t Give The Enemy A Seat At Your Table – Louie Giglio

“Developing this kind of “even though / I will” faith changes the temperature and trajectory of your life. When the pressure mounts, this kind of faith doesn’t deflate. Instead, it actually inflates. It becomes bolder. More resolute and undaunted. More robust.”

“Sure, Jesus is holiness personified, but the Holy One invited you here. Booked the table. Prepared the meal. Sat down to join you. And this reservation cost Him everything.”

“Lingering with the Almighty is the best defense against the enemy who’s trying to get at your table.”

13

The Screwtape Letters – C.S. Lewis

“…the safest road to Hell is the gradual one - the gentle slope, soft underfoot, without sudden turnings, without milestones, without signposts.”

14

Better Decisions, Fewer Regrets – Andy Stanley

“Everybody ends up somewhere in life, I recommend you end up somewhere on purpose.”

15

Make Your Bed - Admiral William H. McRaven

“Find someone to share your life with. Make as many friends as possible.”

16

When Breath Becomes Air - Paul Kalanithi

“I resolved to treat all my paperwork as patients, and not vice versa.”

17

*The Gospel Comes with a House Key - Rosaria Butterfield

“Love the sinner and hate your own sin.”

“It was important, though, to resist the idea that love and approval go hand in hand.”

“Hospitality is necessary whether you have cat hair on the couch or not. People will die of chronic loneliness sooner than they will cat hair in the soup.”

“This is not complex. Radically ordinary, daily Christianity is not PhD Christianity. The gospel coming with a house key is ABC Christianity.”

18

Unbroken - Laura Hillenbrand

“The self-respect and sense of self-worth, the innermost armament of the soul, lies at the heart of human; to be deprived of it is to be dehumanized, to be cleared from, and cast below, mankind.”

19

Jesus>Religion - Jefferson Bethke

“It puts a whole new perspective on life when you realize even the ability to get out of bed in the morning is a wonderful extension of grace by our creator.”

20

*Garden City - John Mark Comer

“We need to think of work as a good thing. When God was done working, he sat back and said, this is really good. That’s how we should view our work.”

“Nothing about creation says that God is a tight-fisted, utilitarian, bean-counting pragmatist; God is a lavish, opulent, extravagant artist, and creation is his beauty on display.”

“When we’re down, one of the best things we can do is serve somebody else. It’s the backdoor to joy. And it’s always unlocked.”

“If your dreams are all about you, then your dreams are way too small.”

21

outdated. - Jonathan “JP” Pokluda

“Feelings would sometimes fail, but since love is an action, you can always love someone regardless of how you might feel at the moment.”

22

*Searching for Enough - Tyler Staton

“And when Jesus prays, when he talks to God, a certain homesickness arises in me. I want what he has. And is it like someone who’s had it before, maybe only for a moment, and I forget what it feels like most of the time, but when I slow down long enough to actually consider Jesus, there is a vague familiarity that gives way to longing. He actually believed what God said.”

“What is God like? If you’ve never thought long and hard about that question, you should. Because whether you realize it or not, you will always live in response to your answer to that question.”

“To minor on sin is to minor on love because sin constricts the capacity for love. Sin is a big issue to God because love is a big issue to God. If I pretend sin is a minor issue for me, I am intentionally making love a minor issue for me too.”

“Because the God who Jesus revealed is big enough to paint the stars across the sky with a single word from his lips and personal enough for an unhurried conversation with a single individual.”

23

Greenlights - Matthew McConaughey

“The sooner we become less impressed with our life, our accomplishments, our career, our relationships, the prospects in front of us - the sooner we become less impressed and more involved with these things - the sooner we get better at them.”

24

Battle Cry - Jason Wilson

“A man can endure a slap in the face, but a wounded heart causes him to guard his love forever.”

25

Creativity Inc. - Ed Catmull

“Trust doesn’t mean that you trust that someone won’t screw up - it means you trust them even when they do screw up.”

26

*The Second Mountain - David Brooks

“Real listening, whether to others or yourself, involves that unexpected extra round of questions, stretching the asking beyond what feels natural.”

“The opposite of love is not hate; it’s indifference.”

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have...they are scanning the social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for.” - John Gottman

“Gratitude is a soil in which egotism tends not to grow.”

27

*Gentle and Lowly - Dane Ortlund

““Christ is love covered over in flesh” Picture it. Pull back the flesh on the Stepford Wives or the Terminator and you find machine; pull back the flesh on Christ and you find love. If compassion clothed itself in a human body and went walking around this earth, what would it look like? We don’t have to wonder.”

“Every friend has a limit. If we offend enough, if a relationship gets damaged enough, if we betray enough times, we are cast out. The walls go up. With Christ, our sins and weaknesses are the very resumè items that qualify us to approach him. Nothing but coming to him is required - first at conversion and a thousand times thereafter until we are with him upon death.”

“Your gentlest treatment of yourself is less gentle than the way your heavenly Father handles you. His tenderness toward you outstrips what you were even capable of toward yourself.”

“It means on that day when we stand before him, quietly, unhurriedly, we will weep with relief, shocked at how impoverished a view of his mercy-rich heart we had.”

“Reject the devils whisper that God‘s tender heart for you has grown a little colder, a little stiffer. He is not flustered by your sinfulness. His deepest disappointment is with your tepid thoughts of his heart.”

28

The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition - Gary Chapman

“Love is not an island of emotion, but rather an attitude that corresponds with appropriate behaviors.”

29

Joyful - Ingrid Fetell Lee

“A party without cake is just a meeting.”

30

*The Stranger in the Lifeboat - Mitch Albom

“I never considered what I would do if I called for the Lord and He actually appeared before me.”

“It takes so much to make you feel big in this world. It only takes an ocean to make you feel tiny.”

““…when people leave this Earth, their loved ones always weep.” She smiled. “But I promise you, those who leave do not.””

31

Life Together - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“For Christians the beginning of the day should not be burdened and oppressed with the setting concerns for the days work. At the threshold of the new day stands the Lord who made it. All the darkness and distraction of the dreams of night retreat before the clear light of Jesus Christ and his wakening Word. All unrest, all impurity, all care and anxiety flee before him. Therefore at the beginning of the day let all distraction and empty talk be silenced and let the first thought and the first word belong to him whom our whole life belongs. “Awake, you who sleeps, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light” (Ephesians 5:14)”

32

The Relational Soul - Richard Plass and James Cofield

“Be an explorer of the hearts of those you love.”

33

Atlas of the Heart - Brené Brown

“We agreed that we’re very careful and don’t use sarcasm and irony to express emotions and thoughts that we’re afraid to talk about... sarcasm and irony are reserved for playfulness only.”

34

Love People Use Things - Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus

“Sincere people don’t care what kind of car you drive, where you live, or the brand of the clothes you wear.”

35

Glad You’re Here - Walker Hayes & Craig Allen Cooper

“Their hands were dirty. They didn’t watch from afar and just think about us or pray for us. They met us where we were.”

36

Scandalous Witness - Lee E. Camp

“Remember too the primary posture of the church in the world is constructive instead of critical. Our task is to be salt and light; these days, the world may not need more critics.”

37

*When Invisible Children Song - Dr. Chi Huang

“It changed me so much that it is my desire to live a godly life even if it is at midnight on a Friday night. That spirit lives inside me and continues to change me. Because of this, I am just trying to do what Jesus asks: to serve my neighbors. That's you.”

38

*The Ragamuffin Gospel - Brennan Manning

“A saint is not someone who is good but who experiences the goodness of God” - Thomas Merton

“Something is radically wrong when the local church rejects a person accepted by Jesus - when a harsh, judgmental, unforgiving sentence is passed on homosexuals; when a divorcée is denied communion; when the child of a prostitution is refused baptism; when an unlaicized priest is forbidden the sacraments. Jesus sat down at table with anyone who wanted to be present, including those who were banished from decent homes.”

“Human love will always be a faint shadow of God‘s love. Not because it is too sugary or sentimental, but simply because it can never compare from whence it comes.”

“Christianity happens when men and women accept with wavering trust that their sins have not only been forgiven but forgotten, washed away in the blood of the Lamb. Thus, my friend the archbishop Joe Reia says, “A sad Christian is a phony Christian, and a guilty Christian is no Christian at all.”

“All we have to do, the parable says, is appear on the scene, and before we get a chance to run away again the Father grabs us and pulls us into the banquet so we can’t get away.”

“We have to stop being afraid to make room for love.”

39

*Can’t Hurt Me - David Goggins

“Motivation changes exactly nobody.”

“Doing things - even small things - that make you uncomfortable will help make you strong. The more often you eat uncomfortable the stronger you’ll become, and soon you’ll develop a more productive, can-do dialogue with yourself in stressful situations.”

“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.”

“The sole reason I work out like I do isn’t to prepare me for and win ultra races. I don’t have an athletic motive at all. It’s to prepare my mind for life itself.

All of us can be the person who flies all day and night only to arrive home to a filthy house, and instead of blaming family or roommates, cleans it up right then because they refuse to ignore duties undone.”

40

Leaders Eat Last - Simon Sinek

“My favorite definition of love is giving someone the power to destroy us and trusting they won’t use it.”

“All the perks, all the benefits and advantages you may get for the rank or position you hold, they aren’t meant for you. They are meant for the role you fill. And when you leave your role, which eventually you will, they will give the ceramic cup to the person who replaced you. Because you only ever deserved a Styrofoam cup.”

“Trust is not formed through a screen, it is formed across a table.”

“Abundance destroys value.”

[wadupkev]

Why I Changed Jobs 5 Times During COVID

Writing for me has become a unique way for me to process and reflect in my life. I find it soothing to sit at the keys of my computer and slowly watch, like a viewer of a movie on my own life, a story come to life, yet I have already lived it.

There is something real about reflection. Looking back at a situation and seeing it through a clear windshield that once was caked over with dirt. It’s freeing, it’s encouraging, it helps us grow and I am so grateful for that.

This last year for so many has been, dare I say, hard? Does anyone growing up ever think about what kind of destruction a global pandie could cause let alone what a pandie even is? I want to be careful how I write this reflection of my last year because I know the pain and suffering that others have been through because of the ‘rona. Real, life-altering pain. Although my life has been shaken up this year it certainly could have been a lot worse so please know I am writing this knowing the privilege that I have. I hope you see the things that I have learned as the main takeaways rather than the vehicles of transportation that took me to them. Also know that I love you and am so grateful you are reading this. Even if this is where you stop reading I hope you know how loved you are.

Lets rewind a bit.

March 2020

Wowsers. I was living man. The NCAA March Madness tournament was right around the corner. Being in the last semester of grad school with not a whole lot going on class wise, I was soaking up my time in the athletics department at Nebraska. I was scheduled to work the basketball tournaments first and second rounds in Omaha. I would get to be on the floor watching the games live, in the press conference room during interviews, distributing materials as a “runner” to the staff onsite. In the midst of all of this I had begun just a few months prior really starting to look through the job sites and start applying for gigs I thought I would do well in. Something I would love.

How exciting right? Finishing grad school (which funny enough during my freshmen year of undergrad in 2014 I switched majors to avoid going to grad school lol s/o God) with hopes to work in a profession that I had been dreaming about for a little over 5 years. I was working national events, attending sporting events left and right, being front and center as a “fan” or graduate assistant. I was starting to explore where I wanted to live post grad school. The cool thing about college athletics is that there are colleges ALL over. The idea of what a post school life would look like was becoming really clear. This vision that had taken shape over the last 5 years was coming to the point where I wasn’t quite sure what would be next. But things were getting clearer each day.

I remember driving to Omaha a couple days before March Madness was set to begin with my roommate. The night before we saw the first of what would be many NBA games cancelled. Not thinking too much about it at the time, Zach (my roommate) and I were in the car when the alerts that no fans would be in attendance at the games for March Madness came through. My family had tickets to come watch the games. I was on the phone with my dad chatting about them no longer coming to Nebraska to visit and enjoy some college basketball. We hung up and then the alerts just kept coming. Rumors that the whole tournament would be cancelled, then seemingly strong sources stating that it was cancelled. By this point I had dropped Zach off to go on his spring break trip and he was already in Florida. Uh oh. Could he even come home? Stuck 1,700 miles away from school (tbh at the time I did not think he was in the worst spot).

It was sports that did it for us. The moment we knew something awful was about to happen without the magnitude of what it could do in our minds. A quick pause, do you remember when you found out about this whole thing? For some reason I think this is my generations global event that we will look back and no exactly where we were and what we were doing.

Anyways, to continue, ten days after the basketball tournament was cancelled, I received an email from a job I had applied to a few weeks earlier and the head coach was asking to chat about a role. If I am honest, I had forgotten that I had applied for this particular role because of how many jobs I had been applying to during that time. I had figured since I hadn’t heard anything that they were not interested. Slightly stunned, but excited about the possibility to interview, we talked for a while on a Monday and then continued that conversation with a second round interview with his whole staff on that Wednesday. During our Wednesday chat, towards the end, he had told me that I would have a decision, good or bad, by friday. “That’s so soon but rock on.” I thought. I loved the idea of knowing soon. Oh how this would come to bite me. Friday came and went and I heard nothing. What would you think in this situation? At this point I really did not know what the scale of COVID-19 would be. It had shaken things up but I thought it would last a couple weeks. In my mind, I went to “Oh they probably offered the role to someone else, that person is taking the weekend to think about it and they didn’t want to tell me incase this person turns down the role in which case I’ll hear something either Monday or Tuesday.” Somewhat logical right? The timing made sense. I was convinced someone else got the job.

Monday rolls around. This is all happening during Lent (the 40~ days before Easter) in which I had decided to do my bible study in my room immediately after waking up instead of checking my phone first. I had been charging my phone in the living room, which I continue to do now, so that the temptation wouldn’t be there. Expecting to hear something that day or the next, I was distracted to say the least. While I was reading that mornings devotional, I just kept thinking “How crazy would it be if when I go out to the living room to finish my response to the devotional on my phone and I would see a missed call already?”. I had woken up at like 8ish I want to say that morning so I was really doubting to see something. I wrapped up the reading and walked out to the living room and no joke, the first thing I see, it says “Missed Call: Coach Taylor | 3 minutes ago”. WHAT?! Literally as I was thinking “oh man what if he’s already called?” while reading, he had indeed tried to call. I was shocked. I very speedily finished my response to that demo. My apologies to anyone who had received my text that morning because it was NOT my best. I rushed through it trying to not be distracted, but I couldn’t think of anything else. What was he going to say? I immediately called him back. “Good news and bad news Kevin.” Oh boy. Here we go. “I wanted nothing more than to call you on Friday and offer you the job.” Okay……and? “I got a call from HR about an hour before I was planning on calling you saying that the university is freezing all current hiring processes until further notice. You are our guy, we just don’t know when we can get you out here.” I mean, pretty awesome phone call to me, being extremely naive to the timeline that the ‘rona would follow. I thought that tops a couple weeks and boom, I get out to this job. A dream job for me out of grad school. I had connected really well with the head coach and the rest of his staff. It felt so right. I decided at that point that this would be worth waiting for. However long. In my head, I would go home for a couple weeks, spend some time with family, and get out to the job in the middle to end of May. I moved home hoping to not be there too long.

And then the weight of what the ‘rona would do to our world started to pile on. More and more cases. More direction about masks, staying home, virtual events becoming the norm. Every couple of weeks I would connect with Coach Taylor and see how they were handling things, what the update on the possible timeline could be. It keeps getting pushed back. Maybe June 1st. Well maybe July 1st (start of the new fiscal year for universities). These arbitrary dates kept coming and going like the wind. August 1st then August 17th which was the first date of classes. Now what I want to make clear is that this potential employer was not simply stringing me along. No one really knew what to expect with this virus. He was hopeful and encouraging to talk to about the future of this role. In the midst of all of this, I was at home with my parents not knowing when I was going to leave. 24, grad degree, living at home. The story I told myself was that I had failed. That I had made it through the right hoops at the right time to finally get to the hoop that was too high up to get through and to fall down on my face and not be good enough. Then, in the middle of August, I got a call from the Coach in which he informed me that it would at least be Spring of 21’ before they would be able to consider a hire.

Woof.

Not what I wanted to hear. It could likely mean a full year living at home before they could consider hiring? Oh man.

I had picked up a job working 6pm to midnight at Lowes unloading trucks. More on this in my last blog.

I felt lost. I felt alone. A handful of my grad school friends had already secured jobs before COVID. The few that hadn’t yet felt really far away. All the people I was spending time around still had their jobs and were still chugging forward when it felt like I had been cast one hundred miles back in life. It was hard.

I sat down into a conversation with one of my incredible mentors, Tyler. I explained the whole situation like I had done a million times already at that point. I explained how I likely would have a full winter to wait out before this dream role, or even hiring in college athletics in general, would resume to normal. He asked me a couple questions and then said something that challenged my current thinking. “Kevin, think about it. When else are you going to have an entire winter, to do whatever you want, ever in your life again? No responsibilities, no restrictions besides the ‘rona. Use this time to have a little fun. Don’t go into debt, but enjoy this time. Think about this as an opportunity to do something you otherwise would never get to do. You ski a lot right? Go be a ski bum.”

Now. This idea had not been completely foreign to me. On a backpacking trip in 2015, one of the group leaders had mentioned how he had been a ski bum at Vail in his 20’s. Immediately Ty(the groups leader on the backpacking trip)’s stories starting becoming vivid memories. I remember him telling me of the 100+ days he spent skiing, living on a couch eating ramen and PB&Js to make it by, just living.

I went home that day from lunch with Tyler and applied for a job at Copper Mountain. “Ski Instructor, hm that sounds like something I could do” having taught just a handful of friends in college how to ski. S/O Tyler Leasure crashing into a tree at full speed. The immediate excitement of possibly spending a winter in the mountains of Colorado was quickly brought back to the ground. I would only be doing this because I wasn’t where I actually wanted to be. I was only doing it because my dream job had seemingly fallen through the cracks. I ended up getting offered the job at Copper. Finding housing was a true pain in the but until a friend connected me with a mutual friend. I am so blessed to have even gotten a place to stay in Summit County. I was a day or so from telling Copper I couldn’t come because of not finding housing.

December 1st, 2020

I moved up to Dillon, CO. A place I kind of, but not really, wanted to be. I would hear from my friends that they were so jealous of me. They wanted to be a ski bum but couldn’t for a host of different reasons, all legitimate. But here I was, working a job that so many were “jealous” of, and I wasn’t happy.

I want to be careful here because I know how this can look. “Oh you had to go be a ski bum and thats the most trying time of your life? Okay, Kevin. Take a seat and let me tell you what real pain looks like.” I really hope to not come off like that here. This was a tough spot for me. The life I had envisioned for so long and was so close to coming to fruition had disappeared in an instant. I hope you can understand what that feels like.

I was frustrated. I was skiing and I was frustrated. HA. What an oxymoron. But then my mom handed me a book. A book on lament. An unfiltered prayer to God. Raw and emotional. In the book the author said something so simple yet so profound. “Hard is hard. Hard is not bad.” Pffffffff dude come on! This hit me like a BRICK! I had been looking back over the confusing time spectacle that is COVID as hard and that it sucked. But nope. Hard is going to happen in our life. That is what it means to be human. We can’t avoid it. Hard is hard. It is not bad. Hard reveals idols and mine could not have been more apparent. I had placed this job and my career on a pedestal so that when it didn’t come to reality, I was mad. It hadn’t worked out how I wanted it to.

But then I started thinking, and it may be a cliche to a lot of people, but if I place my happiness on the other side of this job working out, when will I ever be happy in my life? Because if this job does work out, I will have trained myself to put happiness on the other side of some thing and will always continue to do that. If I couldn’t be happy as a FREAKING SKI BUM when could I ever be happy? This rocked my world. I started meditating. I started trying to be more present. To live in the now. To enjoy the now for what it is. We spend so much time living in the past and future that the now rarely ever gets any focus. Do you see how unhealthy this is? I could see this trend going in a bad direction. If I started saying that I would only be happy when I was in a relationship, that would be such a toxic way to approach and treat any woman. If I could only be happy once I had moved away from home, would I ever really have somewhere that I could consider home? If I could only be happy when I started making adult money, how would that affect my view of finances and the pitfalls of only ever wanting to make more money? I had to change.

Living in the present. Enjoying skiing was the biggest priority I had. I had made a couple good friends in Summit County, Justin and James, and we had started planning some ski trips. We went and skied Telluride together and I started to fall in love with the sport again. I got to ski Powderhorn with some boys from my days in Grand Junction. I was spending a ton of time taking laps in the park at Copper. I started getting some bigger jumps down, started throwing some tricks. I was loving skiing again. I was getting better and seeing a ton of progression. I was enjoying being a ski bum. The future still seemed unclear but I was happy. I was happy where I was. It’s something that I think is so crucial to our lives. If you can’t be happy now, when will you ever be? I was done trying to become happy and was simply being happy. I started seeing the little blessings of everyday in a hard situation.

A situation that once was only frustrating was starting to bear its fruit.

I joined a bookclub with two really really solid guys and it has changed my life. In a book we just finished called Cry Like a Man the author Jason Wilson says “Only when the wheat is cut down, broken, ground up, and baked in the fire is it ready to feed one or many.” I had been broken down. Mad. Frustrated. Angry. Fearful. All the while God had been shaping my heart into something useful for myself and hopefully through conversation or even this blog, useful for others. I tried to keep a heart posture open to being shaped but it was not easy at times and I definitely was doubtful so often. But with the little that I did hand over to Jesus, he created something in me far greater that I could have imagined. Someone who appreciated this last year. Someone who can say now that I would go through this whole waiting game again knowing what it would bring out of me. Knowing what I would learn.

I recently received a job offer from that same dream role I had mentioned earlier. I could not be more thrilled and excited to start that. But until then I am soaking up time with family and friends.

I am so grateful to so many people for their roles in pouring into me this last year. I was in a rough spot and can’t say thank you enough to those who talked with me, sat with me, cried with me, and loved me so well. To those people, thank you.

I hope you have people like that in your life because holy smokes did I lean hard on those people. Their selflessness was a very needed light in my life. It’s what we are built for right? To live in community and relationship with others? Yes, I understand that we aren’t supposed to do that in large groups indoors without masks with the ‘rona still around, but it is so so so important to have a group of people you can lean on in hard times because they WILL come. Who are those people for you? The ones you can trust to be there for you when it sucks and just listen? Not to try to fix the problem or tell you a story that in many ways one-up’s your story, but to simply sit in the suck. To sit in the uncomfortable. It is a skill that I have now realized is a rare one. But those people are the best and so needed in everyones life. I hope you think about who those people are and say thank you to them.

I love you. Thank you for reading this far. Having read over this blog a few times, I get slightly emotional every time. Not because I am still sad, but because I know where I was and where I am now. Because I know that in the breaking down process is where life really has value. I am so grateful for you. If you could humor me with a favor, shoot me a text or message somewhere if you read this whole thing telling me one thing you learned during this last year. I would love to hear about it. I also would love to let you know in a more intimate way how thankful I am that you decided to read this. Hopefully you learned something through this as well. God is so good.

I LOVE THE HECK OUT OF YOU, DAWG. ALL THE LOVE.

[wadupkev]

Why I have been working at Lowe’s...

Holy smokes. I’ve been struggling with the decision to post something about this. I also know that social media is normally just a highlight reel. I don’t like that a whole lot. My socials show what’s happening in my life and I feel like I would be doing myself a disservice by not sharing what’s been happening recently regardless of if it sounds great or will “post well” on socials. Also, I feel like I should say this isn’t me looking for pity but any means. I’m extremely blessed and this covid pandie situation, I know, is much worse for a lot of people, so I don’t have a lot to complain about. This is just the story of what’s happening in my life right now. 

I got my masters in May. Woohoo! Back when I thought the global pandie would be over in like a month. HAHA. I had my dream job lined up and was hopeful it would still happen up until August when they called and said they couldn’t hire. I moved home initially thinking I’d be here for like two weeks tops. Now here we are, 7 months later, still home, no job. Definitely not where I thought I’d be post grad school. When I found out my dream job was put on hold, I took a job at Lowe’s unloading trucks from 6pm to midnight as I tried to figure out what to do next. There’s nothing glamorous about it. I move boxes off a truck and stock the store during the time my friends are getting off work and relaxing. My pride has been tested hard. Even posting about this is tough because if I’m honest, I’d love to just sweep it under the rug and not let people know. Sharing that I work an hourly job at Lowe’s to the students currently in my grad program wasn’t fun. Sharing this story with basically anyone who says “so what are you doing back in town?” has not been fun. If I am super honest I have felt a lot of feelings of failure even though I know I have an excuse due to the pandemic. It’s not where I want to be. But it’s where the Lord has me and I’m trying to embrace that. I’ve learned from some great leaders that I shouldn’t feel above any job. So I took it. I want to look back at this time and be thankful for it but it’s hard to do that right now while in it. I look forward to writing something in the future about all the things this time in my life taught me.

Although I don’t love the job, I’ve had a good time getting to know some of the other people I work with. I coerced them into taking this picture with me. You might see a dark picture with a bunch of random dudes in it. That is probably a true statement to all of you. But I have started to see good people doing honest work and grinding in a job that doesn't get much, if any, attention. I’m trying to love them well. I’m trying to bring some smiles to the work place. I’m trying to press into this time rather than resent it.

I’m thankful I have a job. I’m thankful I have loving parents who let me have a place to stay while this all shakes out. I’m thankful that there is a new role on the way for the winter (stay tuned). I’m still waiting on my dream job. Learning quite a bit about patience at the moment. But until then I’m leaning into God. If you need a forklift or reach driver lemme know. I’m thankful for you! I love you! Cheers to you if you read all this. Shoot me a text if you did so I can thank you 🙏🏽

[wadupkev]

Why the word “GRATITUDE” means a lot to me

Gratitude.

A word I have grown to love over this past year. Many of you know that I am a big fan of challenges. Stepping out of your comfort zone to confront fears and insecurities though challenges of the body and now mind. Ironman did that for me. The 100,000 pushup challenge did that for me. And now the “write 3 things down at the end of the day, everyday, for a year, that you are thankful for” challenge has done that for me.

I had just started my Graduate Assistantship at the University of Nebraska. I was working in Performance Nutrition and had been given an interesting task. I was to build a series of talks with interactive worksheets on the idea of Body Positivity to go through with sports teams at Nebraska. It’s a long story on how I wound up in this role so I will spare the details, but it certainly was not an area I was an expert in. I needed to learn myself. What does Body Positivity mean? How do I approach this in my own life? Am I happy with my body and the amazing things it can do, or do I become discouraged when thinking of my body? All of these questions were not things I have spent a lot of time thinking about.

In doing research, this word kept being repeated. Gratitude. Being thankful. There are so many studies that link a grateful mind and attitude to joy and happiness. But how can we learn to become more grateful? A lot of people journal. Writing down what happened that day, how you felt about it, etc. The one problem I had here is that bad days happen, and if you write your journal in a bad mood, the emotion that is left over upon completion of that entry is still, yup you guessed it, a bad mood. What if we put a filter on our reflection of our day? What would that do?

I decided that at the end of every day, for the next year, I would write down three tangible things that I was thankful for. No excuses. I had my little Team USA journal close by and figured that would work. That journal and a pen travelled to wherever I laid my head at night for the next year and now even loner. The last thing I would do before turning the lights off is write in it. There was purpose behind that. Finishing the day with a mindset focused on gratefulness actually helped me sleep better! It put my mind in a really good spot, regardless of how the day had gone.

Now you might be thinking, isn’t it hard to find three different things every day to write down? Did you not just repeat a lot of the same things? And surprisingly the answer to that is yes and no. The yes comes from the first week of doing it. It was hard to remember during the day what I could be thankful for. The no comes from every day after that. You see, at first, I couldn’t even remember what happened that day, let alone what I was thankful for out of it. But then a habit started to form. In sitting down in bed to write my three things I would start to rewind and run through the entire day again, this time with a filter of “What am I thankful for today?”. Suddenly things start popping up. Oh yes! I remember getting to eat breakfast with that friend of mine and the great conversation we had in it. I remember the joke my classmate told before class that I couldn’t get out of my head. I started remembering these things way easier.

This isn’t even the best part because after just a couple weeks of doing this every night I started to experience some of the biggest fruit I would of the year. I would be going about my day and things would be happening. Before doing this challenge, I would coast through whatever was on the schedule that day without thinking twice. But now? I was thinking, in the moments I knew I would be writing about later that night, how thankful I was. Right then and there. It would literally be happening, I would be having the conversation, finishing a milestone on a project, reaching out to a friend, and I knew that would make it to the journal that night. I can’t tell you how awesome a feeling this is.

To experience gratitude in the current moment of what you are experiencing. It takes living in the moment to a different level.

When you have the filter of thankfulness on, you tend to see the situation much differently. Honestly there would be times I would tear up in those moments. Overcome by emotion because of how much joy it brought. Later in the evening when I was about to go to sleep, I would smile and remember what had happened that day and what I was thankful for.

This is not to say I didn’t have bad days. I have been doing this in the middle of COVID-19 and being unemployed. Some days were HARD. But trust me when I say this, even in the hard days there is a lot to be thankful for. A LOT. And it is more than okay to have hard days. It happens to all of us. But what is your response to the hard? Is the reaction a “oh poor me, why did this have to happen to me?” one or a “what can I find in this to be thankful for and how can God use me in this situation?” one. This lesson has been drilled in my head more times in the last year than ever before. And it has changed the way I think. It is so freeing to go through a rewind of the day at the end of the day with the thankfulness filter turned on. It puts your brain in such a good spot. When is the last time you were up late stressed about a situation? I would be willing to bet it was recently. Just being honest. This is not a solution to all your problems, but for me, putting the lens of thankfulness over my day and physically writing it down has made me spend far fewer nights worrying about things outside of my control. I fall asleep faster and happier and with less running through the narrow walls of my noggin.

I want you to put me to the test too! On the post you clicked to get to this blog I want you to comment with a specific date in the last year. Any date all the way back to August 28th, 2019 and I will respond with one of the things I wrote down that day. You can bet this is a habit I will keep doing for a long time to come. It has made me appreciate the small things in life way more. I know you have heard the phrase “be where your feet are” or “live in the moment” or even just “be present” all the time. But what are you actually doing to make sure that is the case? Just saying those words won’t do it.

Ask yourself tonight “What am I thankful for?”. Make yourself write down three things, just three! That’s not a lot! Three total sentences! Write down three things, even just for a week, in a journal before bed, that you are thankful for and I promise you it will start changing the way you think. I have written “I’m thankful for…” nearly 1,100 times in the last year and that alone probably helped me be more grateful. Now pair that with specific things to you from that day? CHEAT CODE MAN. For real.

Thanks for reading this. Honestly, I am so thankful for you taking the time to read this. These blogs have become an awesome spot to do exactly what this post is about, reflect on the things I am grateful for. And if it impacts one person in any sort of positive way to make a change in their life for the better? Pshhh. What else am I supposed to do here? That’s it. I love you. Genuinely. I am grateful for you. I promise. I am thankful for you. (You guessed it. Writing this and you reading it will be in the journal tonight.)

[wadupkev]

WHY I DID 100,000 PUSHUPS IN 365 DAYS

Today, I finished my last day of doing 274 pushups every day, for 365 days in a row, for a grand total of 100,010 pushups. This blog talks about what I learned from the last year. Read if you would like. If not, know that I love you!

Around this time last year, I was feeling a little weird. I had given myself a long time to reflect on Ironman training and had even given my body some of the first real rest it’s had in a long time. But I had just started grad school and was getting back into the routine that is being a student. Setting aside time to get back in the books and study, getting coursework done, working a graduate assistantship, etc. I was starting to get an itch again to be back in the gym. I had started lifting pretty consistently but wasn’t feeling the challenge that was Ironman training. When you decide to take on an Ironman, there is no faking training. Growing up I could have gone outside and done a 5k no problem no training. Ironman was different. It made me commit to pushing through pain every day. It made me commit to a two-year process. It made a kid who was scared of commitment (Need proof? Just ask any of my ex’s or girls I have talked to recently haha), dive into something that would challenge my limits. I had gone from April 28th, 2018, concluding my Ironman journey, to mid-October 2018 without a daily challenge to commit to.

I didn’t have something that needed my attention every day and it felt weird.

I stumbled across an article that talked about some whacko doing something like 5,000 pushups in one sitting or something like that. Uhhh what? Is that even possible? I started thinking about my trip to Europe when my guys and I would drop down and do pushups on the hour every hour from when we woke up to the mid-afternoon. We would do something like 150-200 pushups a day in random places like the Swiss Alps, or a train station in Germany. I have some video footage of pushups on some baller mountains in the Alps. We weren’t super consistent in getting them done because we had other priorities while on the trip. But this got me thinking. If I did pushups every day for a year, what would happen? What would be a goal that would be pretty difficult to reach, but with commitment, consistency and discipline would be something I could do? After some thinking, I decided that 100,000 pushups would be the goal. Not like the crazy guy in one sitting, but over the course of a year. 365 days, 100,000 pushups. That’s 274 pushups every day for one whole year. I thought about this to myself for a couple days. Was it something I could actually commit to? Ha, look at that fear of commitment hopping back up. If it was something I was going to decide to do, it was going to be something that I did.

No excuses, every day, for a year. 😳

I texted some guys about it and got some excited responses. 

I’ve learned that you can’t really announce to the world that you are going to do something before you actually do it. You get a lot of the fulfillment from the reactions of people before you even do anything and you are a lot less likely to actually follow through with whatever it is.

These were people I trusted. Some said they would do it with me, which I was jazzed about. Training for Ironman alone sucked. I knew it would be way easier to do this with someone for accountability. So, I started. October 26th, 2018, I started doing 274 pushups a day. I quickly learned that your body starts to get used to a certain load if you repeat it over and over but the first couple of days were so hard. I was unbelievably sore after two days. The process started with 25 pushups on the hour every hour until I was done. It gave me a great excuse at work in my cubicle to stand up and move around for a little each hour. I committed to increasing the reps per set by 5 every 50 days. So, days 1-50 were 25 at a time. Days 51-100 were 30 at a time, days 301-350 were 55 at a time etc. Over time, I would be doing fewer sets in total, and more pushups at a time. This kept the process fresh enough that I wasn’t getting too bored.

Committing to this though was not easy at the beginning. I would forget about doing pushups throughout the day sometimes and would go to lay down for bed and suddenly remember and have to get up and grind out 200 pushups or something like that. It’s hard to fall asleep after doing a lot of pushups haha. I started to learn the more you can get done in the morning means less worrying in the evening. I started doing one set right when I woke up, then I would get back in bed and do my devotional and respond to the boys, and then get back on the floor and do another set.

But doing something for 365 consecutive days without missing a single day is incredibly hard.

There were days this last year I was sick. It didn’t matter. There were days I would row a raft 20 miles down the Arkansas river. Didn’t matter. There were days I had just carried a pretty heavy backpacking pack for several miles leading a trip in the Colorado backcountry. Didn’t matter. There were days I felt terrible because of too much of a certain drink from the night before. Didn’t matter. There were days I was working from 5am to 10pm. Didn’t matter. I have always been able to make excuses in the past for not doing something, but that’s what everyone does. There’s always a reason as to why someone won’t do something. I wasn’t going to let that be me. Committing to something means not wavering. This challenge has changed the way I commit to things. If I commit, there’s no stopping. I might take my time to commit, but when I do, it’s for good.

My home pastor from years ago, Matt Heard, said one time that there is ALWAYS time for things that are a priority.

This has stuck with me for a long time. If it is a priority, you’ll get it done. If it isn’t a true priority, well you get it.

There were four people I texted every single day for the last year to let them know I had finished the numbers for the day. Every day they got a text from me that read “Got em done”. They can back me up on the fact that I didn’t miss a single day because they are probably super annoyed to have been getting these texts every day. Although most times it was just a continuous stream of me texting them with the same text, every now and then I would get some encouragement from them and boy was it timely. Always positive, always encouraging me to keep going. Because I think they knew it was more than doing a physical challenge.

They knew I would learn something from this. And I sure did.

I learned more about discipline than ever. Most people see discipline as someone who wakes up early every day. Someone who goes to the gym every day. Someone who is consistent in their life. I think all of these things make up a part of discipline no doubt. But I also learned something else. It came from a book on the qualities they teach at West Point, one of which is discipline. Pat Williams in his book Character Carved in Stone talks about discipline, specifically self-discipline, like this.

“Self-disciplined people put miles of distance between themselves and temptation. They don’t put themselves at risk. They don’t flirt with temptation. They flee it­ - repeatedly, habitually, without fail.”

As much as discipline is being consistent in a routine, going to the gym, how you talk, etc., it is even more so your response to temptation. It’s a response to your situation.

Disciplined people flee temptation always. Period.

I am more proud to have learned this lesson than to have done a lot of pushups. It took this challenge though for God to teach this to me. He continues to shape me in ways I don’t see coming and I am so thankful for it. He is preparing me for his plan, for where he has me going after grad school, for a relationship, for a heart ready to serve others and to be a more disciplined person.

Do I still have a long way to go? Absolutely. I fall short every day. I am so thankful for the grace that God has given me and offers to you. If you read my Ironman blog, you know that I think everyone should challenge themselves in some way each year. I am not a big new year’s resolution kind of guy, but if it’s that that will get you doing something hard, then do it. Why not start now though? We are capable of so much as humans and it takes something hard to push us closer to those limits. If there are limits.

Am I going to stop doing pushups now that this is over? Hell ya. I am so sick of thinking about pushups every freaking day. 100,000 pushups are more than most people will do in their life. I am kind of over them to be honest. But this was just the challenge for this year. I will be looking for something for 2020 and it won’t be easy. It doesn’t have to be physical, but it will be a challenge and I am so stoked for it.

I am more stoked for what God teaches me through whatever it is.

Thanks for reading fam. I hope you learned something today. I love you!

[wadupkev]

Why I Raft

After my senior year in high school, I was sitting at lunch with a mentor of mine whom I have looked up to for forever. He has always been someone I looked up to and wanted to model my life off of. We were chatting about what the next school year would look like and my plans for the next summer. Would I try and shadow someone at a PT clinic and get job experience (ha, back when I wanted to be a PT), would I just hang at home and spend time with friends? He had a different suggestion. He encouraged me to apply to a company in Buena Vista that I had rafted with before. He told me it would be some of the best community I have ever experienced and would be incredibly fun. I looked into it and decided to apply to be a guide. The hiring process at this company is no joke because they truly try to build a community of young people who are on fire for God and love the outdoors, so it takes a little longer than most hiring processes. Long story short, I somehow, thanks to my mentor probably, got offered a guiding position at Noah’s Ark, a whitewater rafting and adventure company in Buena Vista. I showed up for my first summer of the two-year obligation that I had committed to not knowing what to expect. Through training, I had learned to be a rafting, rock climbing, and backpacking guide. That first summer was a thrill. I was living in the Rocky Mountains, being outside all day every day, with some of the coolest people I had ever met. What I was doing felt hardly like a job and more so just the best summer I had ever had.

Fast forward to two days before my second summer started as a guide. Second-year training is much more intense as the baseline of guiding is already instilled and the expectation to become a much better guide materializes over you. Up until this point, being on the water felt natural. I loved the movement of the water, the big waves, and mostly the smiles that people had going down the river. I hadn’t experienced for myself anything too crazy on the water. Then I got a text a couple days before heading up for training. I remember just laying in a dark room crying and not knowing what to do. I had found out a friend of mine from Mesa had drowned in a cliff jumping accident. A kid I had played football against in high school and had given him his tour of Mesa hoping to recruit him to play football there. Austin ended up coming to Mesa and lived it up freshmen year. It was so fun to see him thrive in that place. But now he was gone. I was 5 hours away in Colorado Springs when it happened. I didn’t know what to do or how to process it. I knew I was about to head to Buena Vista for training on what I now knew was one of the most powerful pieces of nature out there. The one that had taken a friend away from me. I had talked to some of the leadership on staff about what happened, and they were incredibly gracious to me in training, allowing me to participate in the things that I felt comfortable with, but I was far too uncomfortable with being on the water that year. There was a point in training when we were swimming a rescue scenario to know what it would be like if we had to do it in a real situation. I was told I didn’t need to if I didn’t want to, but I felt the Lord call me to push through and get in the water. Into the thing that took a friend away. I did, it was hard, but it was so good. I started to have respect, maybe not a healthy one at first but respect nonetheless, for the water. I did not have that in my first summer. That second summer was rough. I had a changed perspective from the best summer ever to now having the responsibility of anywhere from 4-8 people’s lives in my boat each trip down the river. I tried to hide my fear of the water towards my guests as I wanted them to have an awesome experience and knew that doubting myself would not make me a better guide. My first swimmer (person falling out of my boat) of the summer put me in a state of shock for a little bit. It seemed like the guy was under the water forever even though it was probably only a few seconds. It felt as if time had slowed down and I hadn’t felt relief ever in my life like I did when I saw his head pop up out of the water. I got incredible advice from our River Director at Noah’s who had been through a similar life experience losing a friend in a kayaking accident. He shared with me stories of that and how he processed it and what he had to do to feel comfortable on the water again. We went through a book together that helped me put into perspective what had been going on. I am forever grateful for his presence in my life that summer and likely wouldn’t have been guiding had he not been there.

That summer was a struggle to get through. Had it not been for Rob (the river director) or some of my close friends I had made up there, I would have been in an even tougher spot. I took the next summer off from guiding. I needed a break. The stress of taking care of people’s lives had caught up to me and I needed time to sit back and care for myself before I could give that love to other people again. I took one trip down the river that summer with some guides that I got really close to at Noah’s, which was a good experience to be on the water again, but still being with people who were very capable of caring really well for me instead of the other way around. That is when my perspective on guiding really changed. I started to realize the weight that guiding truly bears. Although it is so fun and exciting, it carries a lot with it. It wouldn’t be fun if there wasn’t risk involved, but with risk being involved that means the guide is responsible for loving on his or her guests in a way that puts them in a position to experience rafting for what it is, but to do it in a responsible way that minimizes the dangers of the water. Water is one of the best but also one of the scariest things ever. On the positive side, we see the beauty of water in creation around us. We see abundant life full of breath and color. We see incredible geological formations because of it, and we know we wouldn’t be here without it. It also is one of the most powerful sources we have on earth that can take life away in an instant. I saw the former of that my first summer, I saw the latter of that my second, and by my fourth summer I had a new healthy respect for both sides. I started to enjoy the beauty in caring for others on a source as powerful as the river. Leading people through intense rapids translated to loving people going through life’s circumstances, good and bad, intense or calm. Being able to love people in those situations isn’t easy but always worth it. God has loved us through our worst, and I can only hope to do the same to others. I found out why I was rafting. It was one of the best ways I could find to love on people. Most people come into rafting not realizing the power of the water and that’s okay. Not everyone needs to go through an experience like mine to learn what the water can do. But, I think it helped me get into a better posture of surrenderance before God. Knowing that he, overall, is in control, yet he allows me just a little bit of control of a boat on a river in Colorado to give me the opportunity to show my guests his love.

Gah, I find it to be so beautiful. I am reminded of God’s power through the water every time I am on it. Sometimes more than others. I had my first flipped boat this summer, which is my 5thsummer guiding. I was humbled again by how strong the water is. I felt all the emotions of my second summer again. The fear, the inadequacy, the lack of control. But I was able to deal with those emotions in a much healthier way this time around. It was much easier for me to turn to God for strength than it was my second summer. It was much easier to forgive myself for beating myself up after it. It was much easier to show my guests love, which I think was the most important part.

In a world full of division, I hope the overarching feeling people receive from me is love. I fail a lot in it and apologize now for those failures. It isn’t an easy process. I want to accept you for who you are regardless of what people say. I want to respect you and love on you in the way that God does to me. I hope the word people think of when they hear my name is love. I want to love you well. I hope to love you well on the river if we get the chance to raft together. It is, to me, one of the most beautiful experiences now.

I believe God has a plan for everything, even Austin’s death. It is probably different for everyone, but for me, it allowed me the opportunity to love others better and I am so thankful for that. I miss Austin, but I know his death wasn’t for nothing. It has brought more beauty and love into this world and for that, I am forever grateful for his life. See you soon buddy.

Know that I love you. Yes, you, reading this. You are so loved.

[wadupkev]

Why I did an Ironman

April has always been my favorite month of the year. I think it goes back to being a kid and knowing that it was your birthday month, celebrating at school with brownies mom made for the entire class, having a sleepover with all of your best friends, or the excitement of getting letters (small donations to the life fund) from family members. My birthday came as it always has in April and I got the question “How’s it feel?”. Well, I hadn't really thought about the 18th that much to be honest. My eyes have been set on a different date in April. April 28th. The day I would do something I not more than 7 months ago I saw as impossible. The day I would compete in a full distance Ironman. All eyes were set on that that the birthday kind of caught me by surprise.

Rewind to August 5th, 2017. I had just put myself through, at the time, the hardest thing I had done up until that point of my life. Ironman 70.3 Boulder. I crossed the finish line and heard the words that I did not know at the time would drive me to make a much bigger commitment. I cross, the volunteer puts the medal around my neck for nothing special other than finishing and says “Kevin, today, you are a half Ironman.” I walk through the finish line corral and see two of my friends and dad and say “I am never doing this s%$t again.” They laugh, we hug, I go eat pizza. Prior to the race, I had told myself following completion I wouldn't think of what would be next until at least 2 weeks after. I was going to give myself time to rest, recoup and evaluate what I wanted to do. The words kept replaying in my head on the drive home. “Half Ironman” “Today you are a HALF Ironman.” A HALF IRONMAN?! Are you kidding? All of that work and you call me a HALF Ironman? Well, I guess that's what I am huh? But I was not going to stay that way for a while. No way. Two days after that race, I was signed up for Ironman Texas, April 28th, 2018. The first full-distance Ironman event in Northern America of 2018. Easy decision. Back to real time we go, and I sit here having done some of the hardest training in my life over the last 5 months. August to December in 2017 was all maintenance. Keeping the body where it was at when racing for the half. Trying to stay in shape was easier than I thought but started getting old, really quick. I saw a Sports Psychologist to try and help out with the sheer dread of working out and he certainly helped get my brain back on track. I started an Ironman specific training plan in the middle of December with all eyes set on April 28th. The real deal. No more half b.s. TIME TO DIVE IN.

Now, I say that I am competing in this race, but this word certainly means something different to me than it probably does to you at first glance. People have asked what place I think I will get, etc. The better word honestly might be participating however, I am competing. It’s a race against myself. A race against all the doubts and fears I once had and still have about the race. A competition against my own brain to see how mentally tough I really am. I wrote about this a little bit in my blog about training for the 70.3, but the physical training has not been the hardest part of this commitment. Sure, it has sucked at times. No doubt. Sitting on a bike, rested on an indoor trainer, for the longest ride of training (100 miles) is not fun. Running 14 miles on a treadmill is not fun. Thanks to the wonderful Colorado weather, working 8 – 5 and the way the training plan is laid out, I have done one outdoor ride in the last 5 months of training. ONE. The lack of brain stimulation and real feeling of a bike that this brings is real. There are certainly pros and cons to riding inside. Mostly cons, but when else would I get to binge watch TV? I had to make the most of this time as I knew how important it was to not get burned out like before. Had I had the same mindset, I would have tried to be all tough guy and do those long rides without the distraction of TV or music or anything. But I had learned, if this was something I was serious about, I could not let myself get in the way of the dream. And I would have to grind out some long days in the confines of my basement.

Although 100 miles on an indoor trainer is tough, although running 18.2 miles outside wearing multiple layers because it is too cold and is nothing like race day, although swimming 88 laps in your average sized pool staring at a black line is not the most mentally stimulating thing and riding a bike for a couple hours seated next to a pool to simulate humidity sucks, I do it. Why? Because of what I have grown in because of it. I thought my long workouts for the 70.3 were long. LOL. Little did I know that prepping your body for 140.6 miles of swimming, biking, and running required long workouts not just on weekends, but almost every day. Weekends just happened to be, how do I say it, extra-long. My body has certainly taken a toll. What can I say? It is really hard to eat enough calories and not lose weight while still eating healthy. My mind has taken a toll. Ever been doing a workout for so long that people come and go well after you have started? And then they return for their second workout of the day and leave before you have finished that first workout? This drove me NUTS! I wanted to be done. I wanted to go eat something more than a fig bar and mandarin orange slices. I wanted to go out on Friday nights with the interns at the USOC, but I couldn’t. The dream had taken over and there wasn’t anything that would stop me. The routine of training was at the forefront of my priority list because I know that race day is not the hardest part of this whole process. Yes, it is the culmination of everything. The final dance. But the hardest part has been the training. 14 (or 16 if I make friends with an old man during the race) hours on one day, now, seems so little compared to the countless hours spent beforehand to be successful. Doing the full distances together for the first time will be hard, absolutely. I’m going to wind up more exhausted than ever before. I will find myself in dark, dark parts of the race where all I want to do is quit, but I won’t. I will NOT give up. I will NOT make training the most pointless thing I have ever done. I will NOT let my fears and doubts overcome me. I have, by the grace of God, worked way too hard to let something so small get in the way.

This has started to shape my life. The idea of being prepared for this day has changed how I want to live. God has put me in a situation to be able to do all of these things. The timing of everything has worked out perfectly. There is not a better time for me to do this other than now.

The focus HAD TO BE THERE for this to work.

Six out of seven days were spent training. The other was pure rest and recoup for the next six. 9 workouts a week. The harder workouts kept coming, and somehow, I kept finishing them. Being in the best shape of your life is a weird place to be. There wasn’t a day that I was like, yup, this is it. But now, those workouts I looked at 5 months ago and said “Are you kidding me?” have become routine and that is one of the coolest things. Being able to do the distances I have done on a regular basis and not be dead after is so stinking awesome. It is one of those things that you don’t just wind up with it in your lap. There is a grind behind it. Blood, sweat, and tears. Cheesy, but true. A lot of people will see the end product but won’t have seen the work that was put in beforehand. My parents have probably seen most of the work. Followed by some close friends that I complained to a lot. No one knows like I do, and that was a hard realization to have. Especially when your only training partner is the ghost friend Daryl you made up to talk to. Early on in the training I realized this and thought to myself about how easy it would be to skip out on a workout. No one would know if I only did 2000 meters instead of 2400. No one would know if I only biked 4 hours instead of 5. No one would know if I skipped the ten-minute run after that 5-hour ride. But I would. I have gotten to a place that not finishing a workout in its full, eats me up. Almost to the point where I had to hold myself back from beating up the swim instructor at the YMCA for kicking me out of the pool for little kid swim practice (IM KIDDING RELAX). The marathon portion of the race is as you know, 26.2 miles. Every single one of my runs that was a specific mileage had .2 tacked on top of it just for the mental strain that the last .2 will be in the race. It was the little things like not skipping 400 meters in the pool and adding .2 to every run that has put me in a place right now feeling confident in my success come race day. The work HAD to be put in before for the race to feel confident going into it. I certainly have nerves still, no doubt. But those have been minimized to a degree by the sacrifices given before.

I see so many parallels to life in this. The idea that people see the end product and hardly ever the work put in. To truly accomplish things, you HAVE to make sacrifices. It is OKAY to work on yourself. To rid yourself of the desire to be praised and establish a foundation of self-worth.

I could go on and on, but the point is, challenging yourself in life changes your perspective on so many things, not just the task at hand. Pushing yourself to your limits is one of the best and scariest ways to see your flaws and truly work to make yourself better. I encourage you to challenge yourself in some capacity this year. If that’s getting off the couch and running a mile, do it. If that’s running a 5k, half-marathon or marathon, do it. If that’s trying your first triathlon, confronting a broken relationship, saying sorry, DO IT. The regret of not trying is far greater than the effort required to actually do it. Every time.

The mustache is out, the taper is winding down, and we are on the way to The Woodlands, TX. We just left weather in Colorado that brought snow, forcing me to do my last decent run inside to try and stay somewhat close to race conditions. Our God has a good sense of humor, doesn’t he? We leave sub 20-degree weather for the heat a humidity that is Houston, TX. Although I am certainly not prepared for the humidity, having the elevation drop will certainly help out. So, if you have read this far, know that the race is already over. Hopefully I have finished! More thoughts post-race below.

WOW. I can’t believe it. There are days after April 28th, 2018? Part of me expected to ascend into Heaven after crossing the finish line and be greeted by God with a cold beer in hand but enjoying some pizza and a milkshake here on Earth are a very close second.

Let’s start with when we arrived because I haven’t written since then. We got there, went straight to the event venue and got all checked in. Figured out the last little logistics of what goes where, where “over there” is, and how long it would to take to walk from here to there. I went on a short little run to get the legs back under me from them being all sorts of stiff from driving 15 hours. Friday came and suddenly we are less than 24 hours till race start. The day is already planned with what to do. I got to do a short swim to try and get used to the water followed by a short spin on the bike to navigate the run course and just let the legs loosen up a little. We went and met up with my friend Chris Grall who graciously traveled to Houston just to watch and support me. We watched “Avengers: Infinity War” and headed back to the hotel to be met by a huge surprise. My cousin Thomas walked up to us as we were walking in and I had no idea he was going to be there. He came for the same reasons, to watch and support. My dad also traveled down with me and I cannot thank these three guys enough for being there. This day was the most special day in my life so far and to have those guys there to share the experience with was a blessing. This also goes to each and every one of you who tracked me, sent me good luck texts, asked how it went or poked me on Facebook. You legitimately have no idea what all of those things mean to me. I apologize for not responding the day before the race as I had my phone turned off to start getting the mind in its place. To have a group of people that cared, loved, and supported me, from the beginning of training to race day, physically at the race or watching somehow from around the world, means so much. Thank YOU. You are the flipping best and I love you more than you know.

Race day. I told my Sherpas (support crew: Dad, Chris, Thomas) that I wanted to attack the day like any other long Saturday. All I was doing that day was a long workout with 2000+ of my new friends. I wanted to be calm, relaxed and focused in the morning and as long as possible throughout the day. I wanted to soak in the day for what it was. It would have been easy to get caught up in being stressed and nervous etc. but all the work had been done to make that day possible and I was not going to let stress get in the way of success. One of the words I had them use a lot was heartbeat. This had been a comfort word for me throughout training. Making sure that I was focusing on my heartbeat. Controlling the pace at which it beat, not letting it get ahead of me or out of my control. Directing my attention to its rhythm rather than the negative thoughts looming in my head. They were setup to watch me as much as they could. They were setup to help me on the run where they could, and they did an incredible job. The sheer amount of time (at least for a slower person like me) that it takes to complete an Ironman was one of the few things that was hard for me to practice prior to race day. Sure, I had done some workouts that lasted 5 ½ hours, but once I got off the bike in the race having already been going for 7 plus hours and still having a marathon to complete starting in the middle of the day, my body could only be so ready. It was my mind that I needed to control. The negative thoughts would start creeping in. The ebbs and flows of race day are so drastic one can go from feeling on the high of adrenaline like they could go on forever to not 2 minutes later wanting to throw in the towel and stop. I knew this would happen and had several strategies to attack it when it did. But it was hard. It hurt. I was running slow and couldn’t get a good deep breath of air. I had no clue where my final time would land until I got a notification on my watch that it was about to run out of battery. I felt the same way. The watch somehow made it all the way until moments after the finish line when I stopped the workout. I forced myself throughout the day to focus on small goals to avoid thinking of the finish. When working out for the race, I would start to think about what the finish line would be like and start getting emotional. My throat would constrict a little bit (which is great when it is already hard to breathe) and the thoughts of completing a mildly hard task and the joy that comes with that would be overwhelming. I got to mile 25 and was all of a sudden was struggling to hold it together. I mustered up the last little mental strength I had and pushed on. Got to 26 and decided it was time to let it go. I am convinced there are very few moments in life like the last .2 of a race like this. Thinking back on it now, I don’t remember a whole lot of it. I know I gave some kids high fives, I know I cried, I know I screamed. I vaguely remember Mike Reilly telling me “You are an Ironman!”, but I am okay with it being a blur. All I know is I have never felt an emotion like I did in that moment. The culmination of time spent, work done, and things sacrificed all wrapping up was beautiful. The tears were of joy. The screams were of excitement. Everything blacking out was probably of lack of calories (JK I didn’t blackout). It was a dream coming to a close and soaking it in was the best part of the day.

I also know that a lot of people will start asking me “What’s next?” and “When is your next race?” but know that I have no idea. This was a check mark for me. I felt a sense of incompletion after the 70.3 and naturally this was next. That doesn’t mean I won’t ever do one again. I simply just have no plans to any time soon. I will continue to challenge myself physically and mentally, but I am not sure what that looks like yet. I need some time to relax and breathe before jumping into another challenge. In a different way, I will be challenging myself by going to grad school. Never did I think I would be one to keep going to school. I thought I would get out of school and be done but here we are. I might try and put on some weight as I have been the same little twig since high school. I don’t know, and I am excited to not know for a bit. I’ll be looking for something though. Don’t doubt that.

All of the glory goes to GOD. Without him I would not be able to call myself an Ironman. His grace, love, and joy have been the focus behind my life for a long time now and this small little event in my life is no different. He gets the glory. He gets the praise. I get to live the dream, but IT’S NOT ME. It’s all God. Every single time.

If you want to talk about the race itself and all that went on during it, please let me know. It would take me probably 20 pages to get through the whole race, so I’ll save all of you non-readers the stress. I would love to talk to you personally more about what the race was like and the things experienced through this ride.

Thanks for supporting me and reading my ramble about another big life event. Expect more (but not for a while unless a big life event pops up on me that I am not ready for and then feel the need to write a blog to recap it for people who may or may not care about it and then I will say it’s really for me to look back on the remember when I am old and can’t remember things anymore or some other excuse). I LOVE YOU!

[wadupkev]

Why I Graduated College Early

COLLEGE! The best four years of your life. Where you get to act like an adult without most of the actual responsibilities of being one. Where you find your future spouse. Where you find the best friends of your life. The glory days. The good ole days. Where you learn the most about yourself. Where you decide who you’re going to be.

A couple of these things ended up being true for me. More of them did not. And that’s okay.

I didn’t enjoy college like most people say you should. It took me 2 ½ years to find a group of Christian friends that I could rely on. Those 2 ½ years were not the best years of my life. I spent most weekends in my room alone, watching stupid shows on Netflix. Sometimes I would make it to the game room to play some pool against other random drunk college students. I was an ambassador that bragged about how much I loved the school while on tours, but then on my own I was looking into what I needed to do to transfer schools. I wanted to go home, I wanted to go to the school all my home town brothers went to, I wanted to be anywhere else other than the place I didn’t feel comfortable. I fought myself a lot on whether or not to leave. I was ready to.

God had other plans. And man oh man does he always have other plans. It had been a prayer of mine for the longest time to find a community I felt a part of. Sure I had friends here. I knew a lot of people. But I hadn’t found the people I could confide in. I couldn’t find the community I felt like the Lord was calling me to here. I was sure when I decided to come to Mesa that this is what the Lord had for me. But now that I was here, I had no clue what he was using me for, or what I was doing here. I was lost. 

Second semester of a junior year, I found my group. We had a men’s group meeting that originally was going to meet once a month. At the end of our first meeting, I asked if we could meet weekly. I was tired of not having guys to call brothers in Christ. We did, and I became great friends with some fellas, and we got to talk about Jesus every week. We got to be vulnerable and pour of lives out and into each other.  That semester was the blessing I had prayed for. Though it didn’t come when I wanted it to, it came when it needed to. I had already decided to graduate early, mostly because I didn’t like it here, and was unsure of where I would live for a half year before leaving. I had asked the guys at men’s group to pray about it. God was doing his thing like always when he brought a couple new guys to men’s group. They asked for prayer about who was going to fill some empty rooms they had. The moment they said that, all eyes turned to me, and I couldn’t help but put my head in my hands and tear up. God was working in my life in ways I had never seen so clearly. He was laying blessings on me that I was hoping and praying for.

I had gone from a place of despair, to a place of joy. I had gone from a place of doubting God, to wanting to submit absolutely everything I had to him. I still struggle with that and I understand that it’s a process, but the last year that I have spent in college has been the highest point in my walk with God. Learning to trust him with more and more of my life, praising him in times before that I was dishonoring him, loving life in a place I had once not enjoyed it. I was seeing his plan for my time here rolled out. I was seeing his plan for my life and was soaking it up. I wanted to stay another semester of school and be with the friends I had made here. And there goes God again, landing me an internship with my dream job company. Setting up exactly what he had for me right beneath my nose. 

All of this has taught me many things. Gods plan is way more important, way more surprising, and almost never what you expect. Giving him control earlier than you think in every single situation is a smart thing to do. Not giving up when things suck, is a wise thing to do. Pressing into Jesus and letting him serve you is something that he LOVES to do. And being a servant to the kingdom of God is the most life giving thing you can do. 

I’m so thankful for my time at CMU. I’ve told so many people over the last couple days that I’m going to miss the people here more than anything else. I’m going to miss the conversations about how people are truly doing. I’m going to miss Beer Tuesday’s. I’m going to miss FCA, Men’s Group, Bible Study and Church. I’m going to miss my roommates, and my brothers in Christ. I’m going to miss the Ambassadors (not the Admissions Office). I’m going to miss the volleyball team and the staff. I’m going to miss the mentors I’ve gotten close with that pour God into my life. I’m going to miss the people here. I’m going to miss this place. 

I know the Lord is working and I’m relying on him more than ever for what’s next in my life. I encourage you to do the same. If you’re reading this, know that I love you. Genuinely. Whether this is the first time you’ve heard it today, this week or in a while. Whether your mom told you it this morning. I promise, I love you. 

To the people in Grand Junction, know you mean the world to me and I am so thankful for the blessing you all have been in my life. I hope I have left you with some piece of me. I hope I was able to show Jesus to you in some way. 

To everyone else, I love you too. I promise. I hope and pray that I have left some sort of impact on you, as I know you have on me. I hope I have shown Jesus to you in some way. 

I am encouraged in what God has next in my life. This time spent in the valley (literally and figuratively) has been something I would do over and over again given the chance. Living a life for Jesus is a beautiful thing and I’m realizing that more and more each day. I’m realizing the importance of being alone in times, and the importance of exhausting yourself to be with others sometimes. God’s plan isn’t always easy to see, and for me, it was so far in the distance. It takes time and determination. It takes sacrifice. But it’s all worth it. It’s easy for me to say these things as hindsight is 20/20, but I promise you the Lord is working in your life. Sometimes we just aren’t listening. 

Trust God. Love others. Be quick to forgive, and offer an understanding heart to those who need it. God is so good and I am so thankful to have been allowed the opportunity to attend college and take on this challenge. ALL the glory goes to him. It’s not me.

I love you. 

Sincerely,

Kev (CMU Alumni) GO MAVS

[wadupkev]

Why I decided to do an Ironman 70.3

If there was an expression between dipping your toes in the water, and diving in head first, this decision for me would be just that. I am not doing a Sprint Tri nor am I doing the Full Ironman (you can look those distances up if you want). 11 months ago, I decided to set my mind at the Ironman 70.3 Boulder. 70.3 total miles of swimming, biking, and running. I have done a couple triathlons before, but those came when I was in middle school, doing distances no further than what the eye could see. So yes, I have some experience, but no, I don’t have any experience.

This choice came from a lot of different things. I wanted to do something crazy, I wanted to get in the best shape of my life, but most of all, I wanted to prove to myself that whatever I set my mind to, I could truly accomplish it. That is definitely one of a couple cheesy lines you will hear in the article, but it was the truth. Many people I have come across that find out I am training for this reply with “I could never do that”, “That sounds awful” or the classic “Why? You’re crazy.” These were all things that fueled me. I promise, any of you reading this could do something like this. Whether that’s a 5k, half marathon, marathon, etc. you could do it. I have been lucky enough to have people who surround me with encouragement and positivity because this truly is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. EVER.

Being a multi-sport athlete in high school, I participated in the typical sports, that did not include much endurance training. Sure, we ran a couple miles in the off season, but for the most part, they are all what I consider “explosive sports” meaning you are working really hard for 5-15 seconds, and then there is some sort of rest involved. Football, plays take typically 7 seconds, basketball allows you to relax a little bit on both ends of the court, volleyball plays last anywhere from 4-6 seconds on average. All of these sports are “explosive” and require you to have quick short muscle movements to be successful. When I stepped into this decision, it was a brand-new kind of athletic experience for me. I lost a couple inches on my vert, lost some time on my 40, and definitely am not the explosive athlete I once was. But that all didn’t matter to me. The process was more about finding out who I am, what I am made of, and where I could push my mind to go.

Training brought along a lot of challenges that I certainly did not expect at the beginning. Running for 10+ miles a couple times a week, for someone who didn’t do that often before, was painful. Whenever you decide to push your boundaries, it never comes at the snap of your fingers. It takes time and adjustments, but also pain to get there. Never in my life have I worked out as much as I did in the last 11 months. When I first signed up back in September of 2016, I started getting myself in the pool, which I hadn’t been in for 3+ years to actually workout in, going on longer runs than normal, and putting in more time on the bike at the gym than ever before. I cut out almost all lifting and started putting in a lot of miles. Then about 8 months out, I started getting much more serious in my workouts and time dedicated each week to ensure I would be successful come race day. This meant that I was sacrificing time where I could be doing things with friends etc., to be alone and train. “You have to see it when nobody else sees it.” This quote drove me for the past year. Back when I began this journey, August 5th looked so far away. It seemed to be intangible, but this is when the dream had to become work. I had to put the time in now to be successful later. I had to see the dream when it seemed to be so far away. To be successful, I had to let the dream take over. None of this came without sacrifice. It strained relationships, made me focus on where I truly needed to prioritize things in my life and left me exhausted at the end of every day.

However, in lieu of the pain, the time, and the other sacrifices that have come with training, I have experienced some of the brightest times in my life. And I really do mean that. I have been training, by myself, for almost a year which was very hard for me. It made me focus on just myself for a little bit. As an extrovert, I naturally care about others sometimes a little more than I care about myself. I want to make sure others are taken care of and this takes away from taking care of me sometimes. Sure, this may sound a bit selfish, but this experience has forced me to grow more in myself and the type of man the Lord wants me to be than anything else that I have done.

I am lonely when I train. The workouts I have been doing can last anywhere from a half hour, up to 4 ½ hours. This is a load of time to spend alone, and it has allowed me to dive into the aspects of my life that I want to matter to me the most. All of these have been thoughts of mine through workouts and give a little look into what I think while whatever activity that workout includes.

“Alright Kev, on your way. Feeling good. Only a two-hour bike ride today, let’s grind. How is life dude? Are you doing what you want to do? Is this going to be worth it? Dang the finish line is going to be soooooo sweet. You have to put the effort in though Kev, it’s not going to come easy. Let’s get deep with yourself. Who do you care to please? Yourself, or the Creator of the universe? Pray. Where do you want to prioritize your time? Pleasing yourself and society, or serving your King? Pray. What relationships should you prioritize? Pray. How can you better show Love to your friends, family, and random people throughout the day? Pray. What’s for second breakfast? Pray mom bought some berries yesterday. Have you prayed for the people in your life today? Pray. How much further do I have to go? Pray it’s not far.. I guess I have time to pray for that dude who cut me off driving home last night… Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Probably on the couch, because I am tired as heck right now. Keep pushing. Imagine the finish line up there. Go get it. Pictures your friends and fam cheering you on. Don’t give up now, grind it out Kev! Ten more feet come on. There it is. Nice work kid. One step closer to your goal. One step closer to the fridge. Go get some berries and relax. Pray mom is at the store getting more berries because these are going to be gone in like 30 seconds.”

These are all legit things that go through my head, and all though there is some humor in there, I have spent countless hours trying to answer some real tough questions. I learned that working out was a fantastic time to spend in prayer. And after 11 months, I can say my soul has never felt more rest, my heart has never felt so fresh. I am ready to tackle whatever comes next with a head set on following the Lord’s plan, and a heart that wants to serve others.

I highly recommend you do something this year that challenges you and your physical capabilities. Being complacent is one of the biggest things that tears people away from their dreams. This experience has allowed me to not have a choice but to prepare and push towards the dream. In the last couple months, I have physically felt ready for the race, but my mental strength was tested each day of training. I would run 4 miles away from home just so that I couldn’t take the easy way out when doing a loop. This was hard at first, but became more natural as each day forced me to do something more than I thought I was capable of. Endurance training was very hard because of the mental tangents that your brain takes that came up so often. Wanting to quit is a real thing. Being an hour away from home, on a bike that has your butt feeling like it’s been sitting on hot coals and sharp rocks, already having been riding for 2+ hours, is not the most comforting feeling in the world. There were countless times like this that tested me. Was this where I drew the line and called it? It would be easy to just stop and say something came up that weekend and I couldn’t do the race, say my knee hurts and I need to rest it, but no. This is where I learned that the mental battle to be ready may be a bit stronger than the battle to be physically ready. I had to overcome negative thoughts to get to the finish. I will not quit.

As I write this, it is Tuesday of race week. My nerves are slowly creeping up. I am ready for this ride to come to a close, but I know that I need to enjoy the last few days of tapering and then the entire experience of race day. It is going to be unreal. I have some friends coming to watch, I am writing several of my close brother’s prayer requests on my bib number to have to pray for during the race. Nutrition is all set and ready, Dad and I are heading up to Boulder Friday morning and then the race is the next day. The next paragraph is a couple thoughts written after the race has finished! Wish me luck. (If you’ve read this far, no need to wish me luck as the race is already over. I either finished, fingers crossed, or, well you know)

Wow. It is hard to put into words what that experience was like. I never felt as nervous as I thought I would be going into it. I felt surprisingly calm the day before the race and race morning before starting. I think I had finally realized that I had no reason to freak out as the hard work had already been done. This was just going to be the icing on the cake. I only felt pretty tired the last 4 miles on the run. My calves started cramping up every couple hundred years. I definitely did not stick to my nutrition plan for the run very well, but it did not sound appetizing at all to try and put down a thick gel fluid while already parched. I never felt as though I was in severe pain or risking the urge of fainting. Crossing the finish line was the most unreal thing I have experienced. 11 months of finishing runs picturing the people at the finish line cheering, hearing your name called as a first timer, and passing under the finish clock, man I get teary eyed thinking about it now a day after. There were a couple times I thought about it during the race and would start to get emotional, but I kept telling myself “You gotta get there Kev”. But the last 200 yards of the race, my calves are both cramping at this point, I see the finish and literally start getting choked up. It gets hard to breathe because one, the physical exertion gone on the several hours before hand, but two, having pictured this moment for a very long time and it finally happening was unexplainable. I let the emotions overflow and just soaked in every moment of it. It was done. I had finished. I had done what I set out to do, got to experience things I never expected, and had, more importantly, learned more about myself this journey of life than ever before. God blessed me with a great race day. I would love to talk about the actual race with whoever wants to hear.

I want to thank everyone who shot me a text prior to race day, tracked me during the race, or asked me how it went afterward. You all have no clue how much I appreciate your support and thoughtful messages. It is an amazing feeling to have people that care. You all truly mean the world to me. Thanks Chris, Trav, Dad, Mom and cousin Mia for coming to the race. It was the best feeling to see familiar faces cheering me on throughout the day.

God is so good and I am so thankful to have been allowed the opportunity to take on this challenge. ALL the glory goes to him. It’s not me.

[wadupkev]

Why I waited until 21 to have a beer 🍺

Thanksgiving Break during the first semester of freshmen year, I got the chance to go home for the first time. It was time to spend with family, celebrating and giving thanks. As most of you know, I was a very social person throughout middle and high school, and I think my dad recognized that. If anyone of my siblings was going to get sucked into the party scene in college, it was me. I was always looking for things to do, people to hang out with, and adventures to go on. I had an amazing group of friends (a lot of which I still would call my closest friends), that wanted the same thing. We would hang out all the time, sometimes through the night playing Rock Band, enjoying each other’s company. While most were at a party, we were climbing the roof of our middle school and having rap battles, or building potato cannons. This continued theme of our relationships instilled in me a personal choice to find the joy in other things without the need of alcohol. I chose here to not drink until I turned 21. This was reinforced by my dad who always told me “Kev, I hope when you turn 21, you’ll let me treat you to your first beer. I will give you X amount of money to save that beer for me.” My dad found value in this and knew what it could do for me in my life, not because of the money, but the values that would come from it. I have waited until today, my 21st birthday, to have my first sip of alcohol ever with my Dad.

EVER.

I try not to go throwing this around in people’s faces, as I have heard all the responses to it. The “Wow, I am so proud of you, that’s awesome!”, not to be overshadowed by the “Yeah right Kev! There is no way you have never had a sip of alcohol.” Or even the dreaded question of “Why? You think you’re better than me because of that?”. This question makes me cringe. 

I am not better than anyone.

I am NOT better than anyone who chooses to drink before their 21st. The standard I hold true for myself is not one for me to hold everyone else too. I struggled with this for a long time. But just because I am convicted of this, does not mean I should be disappointed in others for not sharing that. This struggle humbled me in a great way. I have been able to pour my life into others in hopes that God speaks through me. This personal commitment for me has been there for years, one that I made a promise to my dad for, and one that I have taken as my own to serve others better. I have simply chosen to not partake so that I can better show others Christ’s love. That doesn’t mean I don’t mess up.

I mess up. A lot.

But I serve a Lord whose grace decides to pick me up every freaking time. Our God forgives. He sees our genuine heart in asking for forgiveness and sees us as pure again. The only way we get that grace is by dying to ourselves and living for the Lord.

“It’s not me.”

I had this tattooed in my father’s handwriting on my wrist as a daily reminder to not make life about me. If it’s about me then it’s selfish and not selfless as the Lord calls us to live. Just as God gives me a second, and a third, and a fourth chance, he does the same for you. He wants you to be with him. Forever!

“Our God forgives.”

I listened to a sermon series by Andy Stanley that has impacted the way I make every decision, big or small, in my life. In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances, and my future hopes and dreams, what is the WISE thing for me to do? Not the legal thing, not the best thing, not the good thing, what is the WISE thing for me to do? As I have seen the day’s tick off the calendar before my 21st birthday, I have even considered the idea of not drinking at all. What is the wise thing for me to do?

I have asked myself “How am I going to best serve others and show them the Lord?” “How can my actions be glorifying to the Lord in everything that I do?” “Is drinking going to impact my ability to show others God’s love?”. I wrestled with this for weeks, calling mentors, some who have chosen to not drink alcohol 100%, others who have a drink here and there. I have turned to the Lord and scripture and seen how even Jesus drank wine, and I have continued to wrestle with the question of “Is this something I want to take part in?”. My conclusion has been this. If it takes a beer for me to get to sit down with someone I wouldn’t otherwise have the chance to love on, why would I not do that? If I can make the responsible decision to not go overboard on the amount of alcohol I consume, why not share one with a friend? This has not been an easy decision. In a society that encourages drinking, especially in the college environment, I have had my fair share of pressures.

“Just one Kev”

“Come on, your dad will never know”

“It’s no big deal dude just drink it”

It was pretty easy for me to make it through high school without it, but the ease of alcohol being available anywhere at college was a challenge. But God calls us to live radically different lives than what society says is okay.

RADICALLY DIFFERENT.

Going against the flow isn’t easy. It took me two and a half years find a group of friends that I could rely on to have my back and vice versus. I wanted to be somewhere else. I didn’t want to be at school anymore. But then the Lord brought me a group of guys who wanted to solely push me towards God. They wanted only what would push me in my walk with God, and nothing else. This has encouraged me to find where I am at, in life, in the Lord, and to accept that. 

I AM THIRSTY.

I get to sip on the living water of the Lord each and every day. I don't need a drink to fulfill my thirst, as I have found the eternal spring of water in my faith in Jesus Christ. He is my strength. He drowns my fear in perfect love. He is the light that guides my every move. He is the one that fulfills my thirst.

I've seen many searching for answers far and wide, but I know we're all searching for answers only you provide

God is doing big things.

BIG THINGS.

Today is a big day, not because I get to enjoy (or try to enjoy…) my first ever alcoholic drink, but because it’s another day the Lord has blessed me with life. Another day to show the love of God to others. 7670 days total. Each of these days I have been able to challenge myself. The challenge of not drinking until my 21st has been a daily mental battle to push forward and press into the Lord. I believe that with little challenge, there is little reward. But, with big challenge, there is BIG reward.

It has never been about the money I will get for saving this beer for my dad, but the idea of following the Lord with everything that I am and growing in him. That is the biggest reward I could ask for. Sure the money is a sweet perk, but this decision has given me more value than I could have asked for in my life to overcome temptations and truly live for God. I will definitely do this with my sons and daughters if I am lucky enough to have some one day. I want to be a man that selflessly serves others and the Lord. I want to talk about that, and if you want to share a beer, let me know.

Above all else, I love you. No matter your past. My past is broken. But God mends that.

I am a child of God. He calls me his own. He forgives, loves and provides. Thank you, God, for the blessing of life.