wailingintothevoid - Tumblr blog

[wailingintothevoid]

I find myself once more using tumblr not as it was intended(?) but instead as a self therapy cathartic brain dump.

I dont even really know what I’m trying to achieve here, i guess im vainly trying to convince myself one way or another that the situation I find myself in can be overcome. In some ways I dont want to just be the victim and say that it was all just shitty people and shitty circumstance, but the other part of me thats trying to cope with it all wants to find some sort of explanation.

ah, fuck it, im not really getting much out of this brain fart today, perhaps I need to find something else to do, or at least some coffee...

[wailingintothevoid]

Hello World

So here I am, sat here in front of my computer in a profound funk.

I am not here for the likes or validation, I’m not even seeking like minded people. This is just my stream of consciousness, that inner conversation I’m always having with myself, just finally put down somewhere.

Why? Is there any point to recording all this? Probably not, but it might at least increase my typing speed, so I guess theres something in that...

If anything this is an exercise in trying to look after my own mental health just a little bit, perhaps somewhere deep down I want to finally share the thoughts I have, even if I don't really want anyone I actually know to read these thoughts.

The world of late hasn’t been the greatest place, to date this post the world is in the grips of the COVID-19 pandemic as I type. So where does that leave me? On the other side of the world from where I was born, where everything I knew and my safety net lies. Now don’t get me wrong, I was the one who wanted to leave all of that behind, I wasn’t exactly happy there either. I know just enough about myself to say with decent certainty that I won’t ever be truly happy (though what even is happiness? I guess thats the subject of another post). After years of yearning to move, studying language, studying, saving, generally being a massive weeb but in denial of it all, I moved to Japan. Like so many other people, I started 2020 a somewhat hopeful individual. A point only worth mentioning because I haven’t been hopeful for many years, and I guess given how things currently are, there’s a reason for that. The company I came here with folded, I don’t think its entirely due to the pandemic, it had some pretty serious problems even before then. You can only imagine how I felt when I got there, first proper day in the office, and I started to get an idea of what this company actually did on the day to day. I was scared, I couldn’t see any future for this company. Fuck I hate it when I’m right... well, only when I’m right about these things, I don’t view myself as a pessimist, more a realist, though perhaps thats just me running away from my problems again. But I digress, COVID-19 was the last nail in the coffin for my ex-company and in the middle of a state of emergency declaration I was told to head into the office for a meeting, that I already knew was because I was being laid off. I had actually been looking into the job market for a few weeks at this point.

I find myself at some sort of ethical dilemma, though I’m not even sure if its an ethical one or what. I don’t like screwing people over, but the world seems intent on telling me that the only way to get ahead in life is by screwing people over. An example, I started at my now ex-company full of a naive hope, I was viewing it as a temporary job anyway, just something to get my foot in the door. I hated it, I was promised that I would have things to do, problems to solve. I did not... perhaps I was finishing my tasks too quickly? I don’t know, I really shouldnt just put all the blame onto other people, theres nothing to be gained in becoming the victim, I need to truely make an effort to identify where I went wrong, I’m not trying to put all of the blame on myself mind you, I’m still pretty pissed off at the people who played a role in this situation, that doesn’t change, but ignoring my own role in this all means I wont be able to avoid making the same mistake in the future. And lord knows I’m great at making mistakes...

Perhaps there isn’t an optimal path through life, and no matter how perfectly you make decisions, circumstance is always there to just fuck you...

I had thought I had made fairly reasoned decisions in coming here, in taking that job that I knew wasn’t going to be fun, or even rewarding from the challenge. No one could have predicted the pandemic, I don’t think I was wrong in not factoring that into my calculations...

I don’t know, but I think that's enough catharsis for one sitting, my head feels at least a bit clearer, no doubt thanks to the mess that is now spilt all over my screen.

Will I continue this exercise? probably... maybe, I have toyed with the idea of blogging to clear my thoughts for a long time, and today finally, in a massive bout of doubt and self hate I created a tumblr account just cause I didn’t want to pay money to put this down, why didn't i just write this in a book? or type it up on notepad you ask? I think because even if I don't particularly want to know the reader, hell, I’m not even sure if I want this to be read, but that possibility is somehow the point of the exercise. I on occasion read things like this on reddit, or even having come from tumblr, and while I never feel compelled enough to reach out to the person behind the writing, I find a modicum of solace from knowing that there are like minded people out there. So strange to realise that I am actively seeking connect with people, while also trying to avoid connection...

What do I even want?