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[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

There’s always two sides of stories. Like always

If you would have read my last post, you must think what an ass my brother is. Well to me he still is.

But otherwise he is great person to be with, is what I have been told, even from my friends. And I don’t doubt that.

But in his story I am the villain. I am not here to justify anything. I am writing this just to accept the fact that I might actually be the villain.

I have not been the ideal sister or the sister he wanted me to be. Well that’s okay, I guess.

At this point I have realised I can’t make everyone like me.

Since my last article till today, I haven’t been on speaking terms with my brother. I talk as much as needed not more not less.

But this has nothing to do with my ego. (He still thinks it’s that)

It’s just that every time we go back on talking terms, he says something hurtful and I go back to my depressed state. Our relation is already strained now. I can’t see any way of making it right. It never will be.

But that’s besides the point, the point is we both are villain in each others stories. Doesn’t make me wrong or him right.

And since I don’t know how to tell this to him in person, I will say it here.

I am sorry, I am sorry Rishith, for all I have done.

I just wish we’d met as friends rather than siblings. Would’ve been better then.

(I know y’all thinking what’s the point writing here, but I just can’t say it to his face)

Though I don’t know how to make this right, I know if at all I have more than one kid in future, then I will never let something like this happen between them.

The issues both me and brother have had, I will make sure my kids don’t ever go through that.

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Dear I don’t know who,

Hi. It's me again.

Well in the last article I wrote how I'd hate it that once I get married, Rish and I may not talk anymore, because you know we are not that close…….

Well, I am okay with it now. And I really think it's for the best anyway. Better for him also.

So today, I will tell you something I have never really told anyone. It has been there with me since forever, but this is something, I don’t think I have told anyone.

Since childhood or maybe since my college, Rish, my brother has been ashamed of me. He may deny it how much ever he wants. But the truth is that, he is. We both know it. And I don’t blame him. I have no looks, no personality, no friends. Well about him. He is everything I am not.

Honestly, I am okay with that. But I don’t think he will ever be…….

This is the reason, I stay clear of his friends as well. Because I know big fat judgments are in order. Since a long time I have tried to keep my interactions with them as minimal as possible. And I know for a fact that Rishith, is more than thankful for it.

One thing I did right for him na?!

Every time we fight and I hate him for that moment but after that I get over and become selfish. Well selfish, why you ask. As Rish conveniently points out everything, I always have some or the other work to get it done from him. Yes guyss, I am boneless, I have no self-respect or ego.

Every time fucking time he reminds me that I am just a big fat loser of the house and in the house. But I forget it in no time because I need his help. I don’t want to but somehow it comes to that………

He thinks so little of me. By blood he may be my sibling, but if you ask him to rank all the cousins, leave last, I wouldn't be on the list only. He is just tolerating me because we share the same bloodline that's it.

I thought I had started learning how to not take what he says to heart. They may be true, but not good for my mental health. Already have 1000 other insecurities to worry about. Don’t want to add this on my list.

Yet sometimes, it's difficult, to a point where I might have suicidal thoughts. Not because of him but just thinking about what I am brining to the table. I mean it's okay only if a worthless creature like me isn't there anymore. I mean sure people will cry for few days but they move on. In my case they definitely will. One less burden on earth.

Don't worry readers, I won' do anything. As I told you above, I am boneless. I am coward to even self-harm myself. I mean what should even stop me but meh, can't do it.

I am trying to keep my interactions with Rishith to a minimum for now. But I know after few days I will again go for him to help. And as usual, he will be there to remind me just how much of a worthless creature I am…….

Fun, right?!

It’s just sad the person I wished to be my best cheerleader is in fact my worst nightmare

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Wasssuppppppp Non-readers!!!

Couple of posts back, I had written about a guy I fell for.

Though he is not in the same city, I make it a point to talk to him every once in a while. I find weird reasons to talk to him.

Yea I am crazyyyyy! But the more I talk to him , more I fall for him. A smile on my face is constant while chatting with him. After a long time I have felt so good with somebody. He makes me soo happy.

I don’t hope to establish any romantic relationship with him(though I’d love if that happens) but I hope that we stay friends even after he leaves the workplace.

He is a very sweet guy. Anybody would be lucky to have him I guess!🥹

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Hola Amigoss.

We are back with another sad episode in the life of Dhwani.

This time it’s about the dear ones who will be settled far and wide by this year.

By now you must have understood that I am a asocial person with mimimum friends. Imagine my panic stress and shock when I realise my close friends are planning on settling far away from me. Let alone my bestttt friend in this whole while world will relocate abroad because of her finace

Everyday I have this moral dilemma on weather or not I should brainwash her into staying back here. Though most of the times I hold myself to do that, at times I shamelessly do it.

I do not want to be selfish, but for once I feel like I am allowed. I just can’t bear the thought of her living so far from me. She is like my better halfffff for god’s sake. It is literally heartbreaking to know she is moving to another part of world. I know it doesn’t mean mean that our friendship is over or that I am going to feel this sad forever but I dont think that having a close, long-distance friendship is possible.

She may find people better than me there. She may start actually enjoying (I want her to enjoyy buttt…..), she will understand she is better off w/o me.

Off late, my brain is dealing with a lot of sadness, stress and future worries.

My parents say that they might start looking for a groom for me by next year.

Honestly idk how I feel about that. But whatever it is I am not liking it. I am not somebody who easily adjusts, such drastic changes will make me go crazy.

How am I to leave my family and go live with somebody else?

You know my biggest worry? My family will forget me, especially my brother. Rn we are pretty chill. We constantly fight,argue, make fun of each other and do all sorts of nonsense. But we are not like those siblings who are very close and aww types so once I get married I know for a fact that I will lose that. He may get other people in life, but I don’t have that.

At times I feel if I were a little more motivated, brave, and confident. I want to do so much in life but I am sooo fucking scared to do any of it.

I don’t want to be like that. I want to get out of my comfort and achieve everything I wished for. But it seems next to impossible

#ughlife

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Dear God,

Hi, you probably know me and my story, but writing things like these gives me a sense of relive.

So as you know, I went to Banaglore, was very scared before leaving my house and didnt want to leave at all. But as soon as I landed in the city, I knew I would like it here. My sixth sense said that I’d probably fall in love in with this city.

Well guess what, I did fall in love with this city. It might be because of the weather or because it is tooo greeen or maybe because of certain someone. But I am glad I came here.

I wasn’t my awkward clumsy old self here, I was a different person just like the different climate here.

The air in this city did something to me. I felt free here. I ended up liking someone so much so that it hurt. But I know he will never like me back. But that’s okay. I will eventually get over it. I have my friends and family here with me so I will.

He made me feel things no-one ever did. He made me feel comfortable. I could be myself with him and he’d never judge me. The climate here was an add on to this feeling.

But as always Dhwaniii gives her heart to someone who can never be hers.

I have soo much to write just don’t know how to do it. Not a writer I think?!

Just one wish pleaseee next time let me give my heart to someone who will reciprocate. Pleaseee?!

- Your perpetual complainer

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Heloo again

One thing you should know about me is I am asocial.

I know you willl think what’s so special about that, when many people are.

So to tell you, it’s nothing different.

I struggle with talking to people

But anyway I don’t why I force myself to go new places, events, etc that make me uncomfortable. It always ends up depressing for me.

Looking at people mingling with each other, making friends easily, cracking jokes, laughing, makes me feel like a sore loser.

I have never been able to do any of these things, ever.

I have really tried trying to socialise, but it has always ended up in people not liking me or finding me silly.

I just cannot. It’s like I become mute around people I don’t know. I don’t want that.

I want to make friends, talk to people. Laugh with them, make them laugh, help them. But I can’t. I fail at it. Always.

When I am with new people, my mind is just goes blank to start one or add anything other than "yeah, ok haha, exactly" to an ongoing conversation. Talking to people in a group is a constant nightmare because I am incapable of holding up my part of the conversation or starting one.

After every trip, parties, events, or any other social gatherings with new people I cry myself to sleep. The back of mind keeps on reminding me how I looked or behaved dumb with and around them that they prolly don’t like me or think I am stupid. People from trips I go to have happy memories with them to carry. I carry bag full of anxiety and tears with me after every trip with new people. Just because I don’t mix up.

My head hurts from all this constant thinking. I'm just feeling gloomy. My life is not what I want it to be, and I don't know how to get to where I want to be. I don't know if I can. Sometimes, I just want it to end. I just want to tuck away and hide from the people around me.

I feel so weak at times. It’s like I am letting everyone down.

It terrifies me to the core to even think about what will happen in the future if this keeps on going?!

I just want to be happy. I just want to be able to enjoy my life without this perpetual anxiety. I want to be rescued from this so bad, but I don't know if it's possible.

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

It’s not just another bad day.

It’s a bad period.

Nothing seems to go right.

Like a row of dominoes, one thing after another is crashing down.

I don’t mean to sound nd ungrateful.

But why does my life seem to be bad when it’s been good for everyone?

Everything I do is either unsuccessful or creating mess. Feeling hopeless and stuck in every sense.

I Keep Asking Myself: Why Am I Such A Failure?

Can’t even express to anyone how claustrophobic I am feeling from inside.

Trust me I not suicidal or in depression, if you are worried about that.

#failure #nothing seems right #ugh

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Showing Gratitude

My friend always points out that I am very rude to her and take her for granted. Up Until today I didn’t pay any heed to her.

But today due too something I realised that I might be all the things she pointed out.

I mean she is my best friend in this whole wide world. She is the last person I should behave in such a manner with. I still do though.

As soon as I realised this I left her a big long heartfelt message.

It felt really good to acknowledge and accept that I was at fault here. She was also happy to hear it from me.

We solved our thing and lived happily ever after👅

My point is as you learn about yourself, the discoveries you make about your personality, your life becomes meaningful and intresting.

But, inevitably, you will also learn things that are unpleasant or downright ugly about yourself. What you do with these “ugly” discoveries is more important than what you do with your pleasant discoveries. Knowing and embracing your worst qualities is the key to being your own true self.

Also alway show gratitude.

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” –William Arthur Ward.

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Sucess, achievements accomplishments,

We all have different definitions for this

I will share something with you.

We are a group of three friends

To give you a brief about us

I have done my Graduation in management, and currently employed with an average pay

My other friend let’s call her Red. She is an interior designer. She has joined her family business.

The third one, we will call her YELLOW. She is doing medicine. She is still studying.

Now the thing is each one of feels that the other two are more successful then them. Other two ( or some random person who’s not even a part of the group)have accomplished much more, been more successful, etc. whereas we that person has done nothing in life, achieved nothing in life.

But we didn’t realise that at this stage we all have accomplished and achieved good amount of things.

I mean during these testing times, I still wouldn’t have found a job(that too of my liking), Red would still not know what to do with her life. And yellow would still be struggling to get into medicine. But that’s not the case.

I got the job I wanted, Red is growing her family business and Yellow welll she is doing amazing in her medical studies- winning competitions, securing first place in exams, etc

The message I want to give here is, everyone of us is doing good in life. We can’t compare. Can we compare tomatoes to cheese?! No, they are both totally different.

Just hang in there . Don’t get affected by others success.

Build your own success.

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Change.

The only constant.

Have never been a fan of Change.

But at the same time my life has had DRASTIC ONES.

Again there’s going to be another drastic one.

Honestly, am not ready for it. Change is the last thing I wanted.

Scares me to the core.

Don’t know how I am going to deal with it.

Ugh. This doesn’t look good.

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

Birthdays.

I have always thought birthdays are overrated.

But every year surprisingly, my Birthdays turns out to be a real good one.

Though there are one-two bummer on the road, but at the end I have always been happy with how my day has ended.

And It’s my always been my FRIENDS & FAMILY, who make my day a good one.

Be warned it’s nothing too happening.

An outsider may view it as a boring one.

But to me it’s always special.

Maybe because of the people I am surrounded by on that day or maybe the thought put behind the gifts sent to me (from the one who couldn’t be here) or maybe because of the good food😋 . Actually it’s everything.

I wish I could tell you of all the gifts I received.

Well, I will tell you anyway in short , especially the special ones-

My best friend wrote me a Poem.

My childhood friend (who I was not on talking terms) came home and got me my favourite.

And my other childhood friend, a little late but worked really hard for my present.

My next door neighbour, who I have known just for an year, got me something I am so passionate about.

My college friends apart from sending cookies, bought and donated 10 plants for a cause on my name.

And MY BESTEST FRIEND AND MY FAMILY BEING THERE FOR ME THROUGHOUT THE DAY

THANK YOU ALLL , THANK YOU GOD.🌸

I am really grateful for this.

P.s. The picture is not from my Birthday Celebration!😅

[walkingtalkingawkwardmachine]

There’s just something about The Greens, that puts my heart and mind at peace.🌴🍀