wanderingriverx - Tumblr blog

[wanderingriverx]

Actually we need more nonverbal/mute characters in media

[wanderingriverx]

is anyone else bi or is it just me and that guy from supernatural

[wanderingriverx]

“ur so chill” thanks i am completely disconnected from reality right now

[wanderingriverx]

can we lay in the grass and stare at the moon or is that lame

[wanderingriverx]

I think something that is so intrinsic to the queer experience is staying up all night, reading or watching a gay love story on your phone, holding back sobs. Knowing that you could have this one day, that you could be this happy one day. But for now, you have the same four scraps of hope. And while they can be badly written, or unrealistic, and sometimes not even meant for queer eyes; they are yours. And for the night you can hold this hope in your hands and pretend that you are entitled to your own love story, outside of the screen. And you don’t have to be so afraid until the morning comes.

[wanderingriverx]

all the time

[wanderingriverx]

SIGNS THAT YOUR MOTHER IS A NARCISSIST

• She wants to control you.
Trying to assert yourself results in anger, rejection and hostility. She doesn’t appreciate your attempts to individuate as it means you are going to be less available to serve her needs. Does she get angry when you disagree or don’t want to do what she wants you to do? Does she try to make you feel guilty for having separate interests, hobbies, desires and opinions?

• Her love is conditional.
A mother who is narcissistic is interested in how you (and your achievements) reflect on her. She wants you to succeed, but only so that she looks good. She may even become jealous if she feels you are doing too well. Daughters of narcissistic mothers will often be perfectionistic in a misguided attempt to win their mother’s love.

• She can’t or won’t validate your feelings.
There is very little room in her emotional consciousness for your feelings. If they do something that upsets you, narcissists generally won’t be prepared to acknowledge their mistake or soothe your upset. They are too focused on trying to manage the shame elicited by your implied criticism. She may sometimes be there if you need support, but most often she will turn it around so that it becomes about her. For example: “That reminds me of the time...” “You think you have problems, I remember when...” “I can’t listen to you when you’re like this, it upsets me...” “I do/have done everything for you, why can’t you appreciate it, you ungrateful...”

• She belittles you.
A narcissistic mother will be full of praise in one moment, hypercritical and judgmental the next. They can make your head spin! A narcissistic mother knows where it hurts. She will often use sarcasm or belittling language to humiliate you, perhaps in front of others. She may fob off your concern with excuses such as “can’t you take a joke?”

• She tries to manipulate you.
The manipulation can be quite subtle, causing you to question your doubts and fears. She may call you “selfish” because you don’t want to be her maid or chauffeur 24/7. Being afraid to say no to her because you fear her disapproval or anger is definitely not a good sign.

• She’s unpredictable.
Narcissists often wax and wane in terms of their attention and availability. She may shower you with affection and attention (love-bombing) when she wants something from you and ignore you when she is going OK. Her ability to care about you is dependent on her own needs rather than any genuine commitment to you as a separate and autonomous being.

• She can’t see your point of view.
In general, narcissistic mothers will be unwilling to understand or even acknowledge your point of view. She may ignore, belittle or undermine you, often using manipulation or guilt-tripping to get her way.

• She’s emotionally volatile
Narcissists are often emotionally unstable, swinging between cold rage and collapsed fragility depending on environmental cues. Mothers with these characteristics have very low self-esteem underneath their bluster and will become teary or desperate if they meet ongoing resistance.

In our early life, we need to think of our parents as perfect. As we mature, we can slowly encompass a more realistic picture. Parents who are narcissistic, will inevitably traumatise their children. They neglect and emotionally abuse them and use them to serve their own needs. These experiences are usually far too challenging for young minds to incorporate.

So you split off parts of your attachment experiences. These traumatic experiences are not remembered directly and most survivors of narcissistic parenting will only recall them in the safety of a supportive therapeutic relationship, if at all.

You may have few memories of the bad things that happened or of the emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of your mother. As an adult we sometimes hold onto our precious fantasy of the perfect mother, because that is much easier than seeing the painful reality.

But as you mature and reflect on your lives and relationships, you find chinks in the armour, flaws in the perfection. Your mother isn’t the lofty being she appears to be.

A narcissistic mother is flamboyant, powerful yet somehow fragile. She is so self-absorbed she has no time for her children, except where she can bask in their reflected glory, or when they can serve her needs. A narcissistic mother is a dangerous damaging parent who impacts and distorts a child’s growing sense of self.

- Reclaim Your Authentic Self by Dr. Amanda Robbins

[wanderingriverx]

[wanderingriverx]

Dear mom,

I wish for one moment you could see how deep the wounds you left me actually go. I wish you knew how often your belitting comments replayed in my head like a broken record. I wish you knew exactly what you took from me... my childhood, my teenage years, my self worth/self esteem, the opportunity to learn how to set boundaries with others, the knowledge of what its like to be loved genuinely, and so much more.

On some level I guess you must love me. Even dogs love their puppies afterall. I just dont feel the same. I cant entirely say what I feel for you is love...moreso a traumabond. You are my very first case of stockholm syndrome. I say that because I am chained to you. Especially when I was only small, I had to love you and depend on you and appease you. There was no other way.

I was not your child in your mind, more like an emotional support animal. Or perhaps more accurately: the wall to your battering ram. I have always felt like I am only loved when I am being useful or doing something for you to wave around like a trophy for others to gawk at.

I hate you so much in so many ways. I hate that for us, the victims of abuse and neglect, we have to sit and forgive. We have to forgive because "You only get one mother" "When Im dead you'll miss me and regret this" "I tried my best"

I hate that your mortality invalidates everything you did to me. I hate that you sit and claim that you did your best when I couldnt even tell you when your boyfriend violated me. You sorry, vile, evil, piss poor excuse of a woman. Lets also throw in the honorable mention of calling me fat, weaponizing my eating habits and getting mad at me for eating.

I will cry when you die but relief will be there...and so will guilt. I wish I could love you more... I wish I could forgive you. I wish I didnt hate you so much. But for the hurting child in my heart, I wish I had a mother who loved me enough to be a good mom.

[wanderingriverx]

s e r e n e 

[wanderingriverx]

The amount of serotonin it gave me to watch this grandma react to her new galaxy light 🥺

It’s dark in here- *gasps in excitement* OHH SARAH!

OHH SARAH! *giggles like a little kid* OHhHhH!!

My ceiling is filled with blue lights… and stars and everything!!

OH Sarah! I can go to bed at night looking at this. OHHHH it’s beautiful!

[wanderingriverx]

[wanderingriverx]

I literally just got my copy in the mail. Can't wait to start reading

i am feeling very emotional ..this is unusual for me

this book is finally out of my mind and onto pages out now around the world. the idea that it will genuinely help people - make them laugh and feel closer to me, makes me feel like all the struggles i have been through have been worth something.

please, save yourself any time you would lose by not feeling as happy and peaceful as you deserve to. you aren’t broken or built that way, we all have the power to change how we feel and just have to understand how.

i am only here because of your support and the kindness and patience you have given me. thank you.

thisnightbook.com #thisnight https://www.instagram.com/p/CPBfK8XFVGu/?utm_medium=tumblr

[wanderingriverx]

montero and take me to church are two sides of the same extremely sexy coin

[wanderingriverx]

how to make friends without talking to anyone

[wanderingriverx]

[wanderingriverx]

translation: “My sheep! [bah! bah!] You are my life. [bah! bah!] Walk behind me…[bah! bah!] Sing (after me).”