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me right now at work

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im having my first “fight” with my friend who you hate so i hope youre happy.

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cont.

believe me bc hes stubborn and this fear of his is so big that it doesnt allow me to do a lot of things that maybe someone who fully trusts their partner and is fully secure with the relationship and probs more confident with themselves would feel. i wont feel like im being stopped for wanting to do what i wanna do. its like im being blamed and accused for things hes imagining in his head that i could be doing with this specific friend when in reality its not even close. he was uncomfortable because me and my friend left the restaurant to go sit in their car to continue talking before saying goodbye like are you serious. how paranoid can you be. its also not like the parking lot was private in that way like it was lit up and people were walking by. like who do you think we are. anyways i can go on but i need to fall asleep omfg its almost 4am and i have to go out tm around 12. back to my original thought tho, i guess i really hope this time around hes locked into the gym like how he used to be. i feel like he got comfortable being with me (makes sense tho) so like that tends to make people not care so much about what they look like. im also just annoyed about the concert and im gonna need to let my friend know soon that i cant go now and theyll have to bring someone else. it just sucks bc ik that wouldve been fun. not bc its an artist i really love (its hozier) i do really like songs from him but im mainly going bc of my friend. it still wouldve been a fun day out and a nice little roadtrip and night stay but noooo bf hates them so i cant do what i wanna do. even when i know and my friend knows theres literally a 110% chance that nothing will ever happen between us in the way he thinks. im being put on like a spotlight or like a radar or like some detective case bc i dont have the freedom i should have. its not fair that i need to deal with his inner fears that id leave him for someone else.

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am i a bad gf if i sometimes think about how my bf looked a few years ago and i miss it…or i see old pics of what he used to look like back when we first dated our first few yrs and i just really liked how he looked bc he’s changed so much since..

For reference, he grew a beard and he now always has it. he changed his hairstyle after years of it being one way ftmp (besides a few shaved heads and really high fades lol) but with full hair it was always the same style and now its different. he’s also gained a bit of weight since ive first met him. he used to go to the gym a lot and he fell off and hasnt really gotten back into it like he used to. idk its like i just feel so guilty for even thinking this with me missing how he looked back then bc i feel like i shouldnt be thinking that as his gf of so many years. i cant tell if its normal for me to think that or like its a valid reason idek. he showed me this short video that he took of himself back then bc he was scrolling thru his old camera roll and when i saw it it just made me like really realize like yeah he has changed a lot physically. and its not like necessarily a bad thing! dont get me wrong like i still like how he looks but its just very different. kind of like if you were to compare two different types that someone would like for a man. i will say tho that i do miss his more fit body. and that also makes me feel guilty for thinking thatD: i honestly just cried a little since getting into my bed. not just from that ofc lol theres more context for other things that happened yesterday and today thats making me feel more upset i guess. i also feel like i havent cried in a while so it felt good to. i kinda forced myself to just let it out bc i wanted to. i lowkey felt the feeling already tho earlier today when i was with him and we were discussing a complicated topic thats been going on for years. whole diff story so back to before, when he showed me that video of him, he just looked soo good and like so cute that im like aww idk if he’ll ever look like that again. he did start going to the gym again but tbh idk how well hes gonna keep up with it this time. and yes i lowkey do miss his face clean shaven or like a light shadow. i just think his face looked so cute like that and now its like full beard. its nice!! and it suits him forsure but its just different!! you know its like when girls change up their hair completely. but his face just looked cute when he smiled and he would have a little smile dimple that would sometimes pop out. his hands and arms. i asked jokingly today if he’ll keep his beard forever and keep the hairstyle forever and for now he was saying he probs will and stuff and like laughed asking if i want him to change it and i was like oh no no im just asking like im just wondering. i didnt say what i really felt or what i was really thinking when i asked him. also during sex i just wanted it to be over. tbf it was stinging for me today and idk why but yeah i wasnt fully into it bc of that and also just bc of our little dispute we had. i also now cant go to a concert with my friend bc its in another state and itd be too late and too tired to drive back that night so wed be staying somewhere and he did not like that ofc which is very annoying for me. he kept saying if it was any other friend its fine but not with this one and im just like YEAH IK thats why its so annoying, you dont need to keep saying thatD: you dont trust me and my friend. what else is new. you have a “nickname” for them and its so annoying and immature. like honestly grow up and stop being insecure. theyre not a threat and he wont let it go. i feel like once he said i cant go to the concert even after trying to compromise i just felt like im being controlled. it just wasnt gonna fly with him so if he says i cant then i cant. im not gonna rebel against him on it bc its not worth it but i just hate it bc me and my friend are fully aware of our dynamic but he swears something will happen every time we hang out. no matter what i do to change his mind and perspective he STILL doesnt

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i was on ft with my friend from florida for almost 2 hours and we both just happened to be high and it was so fun lol i love our friendship and how strong it still is after years of being apart. damn wait i actually have like a long distance friend that ill be friends with forever:o thats so cute omg we’ll be old and still staying in touch and our lives will be so different. wait that scares me. the future scares me. but i also look forward to it. maybe its the fear of the unknown. i need to sleep D;

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Angy

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he has a business purr posal for you

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fake pockets and fake drawstrings should be illegal

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getting paid to play games on the computer🌝

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genuinely obsessed with this look

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why do i take a million hrs to do a simple task＿|￣|○

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7.22.25 / got ramen with my friend and had a long awaited yap sesh to try and cut down our text convos🙂‍↕️