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Break Up Ave., I have my heart but other things too

It’s amazing what you find while cleaning your room. Like, oh I don’t know, things from your exes.

So I originally had a different idea of what I wanted to do about this. My first thought was to actually give their shit back and talk about why we broke up in the first place. But they like to remind me all the time that we dated and why we broke up. They’re awful.

But I wanted to talk about this in general because I know people can relate or they need to hear this. For myself and everyone I’ll sound like a Taylor Swift song.

From 14 exes I have a rubix cube, a Batman rubber bracelet, 10 notes, a Yu-Gi-Oh card, a school ID, a red flannel, a LOTR book (no I never read it), some weird camera thing, a paper weight, vans key chain, two shirts,ticket stubs, two pictures, a stuffed otter, and a teddy bear.

The first guy I ever dated was in the 5th grade and he gave me the rubix cube and one of the pictures. It was your typical elementary school relationship but I remember how blushy I got around him. Also that I gave him my home phone number and that he actually did call me, which made 10 year old me really happy, and we had a pretty awkward conversation as were both shy kids. It’s been seven years since I’ve last seen him so I can’t say he’s an awful person or anything (sadly).

 I don’t have anything from the next three guys I dated after him but I’ll save those for a different story. 

From this particular ex I have three notes, Roosevelt the teddy bear, a scar on my knee, and repressed 8th grade memories when it comes to him. We had band together but that’s not how this all started. It started at lunch because my friend brought you to the table and we started talking then we ended up dating, I know I said you weren’t but I think you were a rebound. 

Honestly, we should’ve talked more before we started dating because we spent most of our time arguing. And why he thought it was good idea to catch himself on me, a tiny person, when someone pushed him is beyond me. All it resulted in was my jeans being ripped and a whole layer of skin coming off my knee that got infected and I had to clean everyday, twice a day for three weeks and was left with a scar. 

Our relationship in one word was awful. Sure, he’s a better guy now but his first couple relationships were bad. I’m not saying he did awful shit, cause he didn’t, he just didn’t know how to be a good boyfriend.

And no, we don’t get along to this day.

The boy who shared the same initials as me was honestly one of the nicest guys I’ve ever dated. When I said I liked his Batman bracelet because he’s my favorite hero he took it right off and gave it to me. I also have three notes from you, two of them saying why you liked me so much and one was an apology. 

I don’t hate him because he liked my friend while we dated. Honestly, I don’t hate him at all. While we did break up because I was nice person who wanted my friend happy so I wanted them together I never hated him. But we were also two different people that could’ve worked but we never tried but it’s okay because we turned into pretty decent people. Sadly. I don’t have anything bad to say about him. And yeah, we’re still friends.

Okay, okay, yes, this next guy was right about us. I did date him mostly out of peer pressure. All of our friends said we should date and my best friend at the time talked me into it. But it was weird and awkward and I ignore his text so I didn’t have to see him. I found his flannel so yeah, he can gave it back now and stop asking.

Summer lovin’ was meant more for Danny and Sandy, not for me and this guy. I’m not saying anything bad happened in this relationship because it was alright. I only have three notes we passed back and forth in Drivers Ed because I think I threw the rest away. Or maybe he did. But what I remember clearly from this relationship is when I said, “We should break up.” he said no. Yeah, that wasn’t happening. But now he’s dating one of my friends and they deserve each other.

I don’t mean that in a bitchy way like they’re both assholes but in they’re both little Hufflepuffs and complete each other and work so well together. Honestly, they’re pretty adorable together.

I wanted to go in order of exes, I honestly did, but I wanted these two next to each other.These are the relationships that hurt the most and I still think about them.

It’s my 7th grade year and we have gym together. One day my friend talks to him and so I start talking to him. One week later we start dating. Three weeks later we break up but quickly get back together the next day. One month later I find out I’m not the only girl but I’m a dumbass and stay with him.

In the course of a year we break up five or six times and he cheats on me I don’t even know how many times. For five months we’re fine then out of nowhere he ignores me for three days straight and when he finally talks to me he says he’s been talking to another girl for a couple weeks and that they’re now dating. He tries to apologize to me but I tell him don’t because I don’t want to hear anything from him ever again. When I got home that day the Yu-Gi-Oh card I cut up after an argument in front of him ,which he literally ignored me for for 10 minutes, but put back together, I cut it up again. 

He left me with really bad trust issues with my next couple exes. I was never able to fully trust them because he left me with this constant doubt that they didn’t really give a shit about me. He left me completely heartbroken.

I know I sound dramatic but I was 12-14 during this and I was a dumb girl who thought some dude actually cared but turns out he didn’t.

Before I started high school I talked to him after six months, I asked him why he treated me like such shit and his answer? “I don’t know really.” But all I could think about was when he once said I didn’t put out and maybe I already knew the answer. But maybe I didn’t either.

This last relationship, the most recent, I’ll be honest and say it still hurts. It’s been almost two months since we’ve been broken up and it still hurts.

We started dating in February after a week of talking. We dated for almost eight months and honestly they were so amazing. But all good things must come to an end.

He was the first person to ever take me on a date which was seeing the live action remake of Beauty & the Beast. In return we saw Power Rangers. Our last date was a movie, A mutual agreement on It. He was also the first person to take me to the aquarium without my family there. 

He was the first person I ever trusted to come with me to therapy. Granted, he couldn’t come into the room with me so he had to stay in the waiting room but still. 

He was the first person I ever truly saw a future with and that I wanted one with. After being introduced to his family my first thought was, “Wow, this is one day going to be my family, too.” When I told him this later he smiled so big.But missing a family that was never really yours hurts.

I remember clearly the night he held my face in his hands and said that he never felt this way about anyone and that he would never hurt me. But he did.

We broke up because of school and family. But it really wasn’t because of school and family. So when I threw his bag of shirts at him I had everyone reason to and he should’ve told me he went on a date. He should’ve told me that he didn’t really want to get back together. He should’ve been honest.

But he can go ahead and say he never did any of this shit again. I don’t care anymore.

But I’ll be honest, during the relationship he was an amazing guy. I’m not saying this to defend him or anything. I’m saying this because it was the after part that sucked. 

It also sucked that one day when I was wearing an infinity ring he took it off and started playing with it I grabbed it and put it on his pinky finger, the only finger that it fit, and said, “It’s a pre promise ring, baby, because I swear I’m going to get you a real one.”

It sucked that a couple days later we broke up.

I’m not sure if I was foolish or hopeful or both for thinking we were actually going to get back together. I’m not sure what I am for still loving him. Probably human. 

And I’m sorry too.

But tomorrows Thanksgiving so let me say my thanks. Thank you, guys, for breaking my heart. I mean it. If it wasn’t for them maybe I wouldn’t be who I am today and maybe they learned something for us. Or maybe I would’ve ended up how I am regardless and they didn’t learn jack shit.

But still, thank you boys. Now most of you can fuck yourselves.

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NOAH

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Awareness Days Pt.2

The other important day this week was National Coming Out Day. You can say I have 83 protons because I’m bi.

(Please never ask me science questions this is all I got from chemistry.)

 Everyone has a story of how they realized their sexuality so here’s mine. When I was younger, I think 9, I watched the movie John Tucker Must Die and some of you probably already know where this is going. There’s a scene where characters Beth and Kate kiss and I literally just paused the scene and focused on it pretty intensely. When I pressed play it was to rewind it over and over and over again until I frantically pressed play because someone came into my room. It wasn’t until a week or so later when I was at the bookstore reading a magazine talking about sexualities that I realized holy shit do I like dudes and chicks.

But I didn’t “come out” for another two years because I didn’t feel the need to. I didn’t see anything wrong with me for liking both so I never felt bad about it. It wasn’t until my sister was talking about how 1 in 6 are gay and there’s six kids in my family so one of us has to be gay and went on to say she was straight, our older brother is, and said I am before I corrected her and said, “Bi, actually.” It was quiet for a second before she jokingly said I was the gay one.

I never really faced a lot of discrimination for my sexuality. While I was called a whore for being bi and having more options it never really bothered me. What bothered me though was when people asked if I really was bisexual because I’ve only dated guys or called me straight because I was in a hetero relationship. I didn’t see a point in telling the assholes that most girls I were interested were either straight or in a relationship so a lot of conversations ended in a “Fuck you and fuck off” or some equally snarky ass response.

But I realize that I’m lucky I got a “happy” ending. I know so many people go through hell because of their sexuality or gender which is completely ridiculous because no one deserves that shit. 

If you’re someone that’s figuring out their sexuality there is nothing wrong with you. You are completely normal and okay for liking what you do and everyone who says otherwise is a dick.

There will one day be a day where we can all be ourselves and no one will bat an eye. But until then good lucky guys and live life fully ignoring the assholes.

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Awareness Days Pt.1

So this week had two very important awareness days on them being Mental Health Awareness Day on Tuesday. Honestly, I’m not sure what to say, which is surprising considering that I run my lil mouth off, but maybe it’s because I’ve talked about so much before but never here so here I go.

When I was little for some inexplicable reason I started feeling really sad and it carried on for six years. It sucked, which I feel is obvious, but I always felt either this crushing weight on my chest or hollow and I’m still not sure which is worse. But because I was such an intelligent child I never told anyone how I felt and just kept it to myself. It wasn’t something I knew how to describe nor wanted to talk about so I decided not saying anything was easier. It was until I slipped up in middle school and accidentally said I wanted to kill myself that everyone found out. Someone told the guidance counselor who called me into her office to discuss it in which I became more pissed than anything because in my mind it was nobody else’s business.

Flash forward to five months later it’s now the second month into eighth grade that I accidentally say something about wanting to die, again, and get called into guidance, again. But this time there’s no just talk. I remember this day clearly because of how freaked out I got. I remember trying to convince her not to call my parents and that if I was slightly better by the end of the week that she wouldn’t call and we could just let this pass. But it was too late. When I got home later that day my mom, older brother, and sister were all waiting in the kitchen for me because they all heard the guidance counselor voicemail. I remember just thinking they were so disappointed in me for feeling that way while they talked to me when really they were sad that I felt depressed in the first place.

When February came around I started therapy. I made the choice between September to then that I was going to actually talk to my therapist because I was tired of feeling so fucking depressed. I started feeling depressed around 9, almost 10, years old and around this time I was 13. Most of what I remembered as a child was being sad and I hated it.

As time went on in therapy I actually started getting better. It was a really long journey but it was all worth it. Now three years later I sometimes do still feel depressed but it’s barely there and only occurs every blue moon.

I want people to know that it’s okay to feel sad or any other emotion and that getting help for it actually does help. If anyone gives you shit for it then they’re just an asshole and not worth your time. There’s plenty of people who love you, you just have to let them in.