if you like pathetic chicks you’ve come to the right place29. F.***TRIGGER WARNING***mental health, su*c*de, ED, etc
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fyeahakiraayane
Akira Ayane あきら
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hey remember when my mom treated you like one of her kids for 20 years and even took us to see hairspray on broadway and then you couldn’t be bothered to come to her funeral or even send a card lol.
#you’re a rotten cunt#a waste of a life#i want you to suffer#i hope you suffer the worst fate imaginable
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when i get into bed and cover myself with the blanket i still put a little bit of the blanket to the side for you to lay on.
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i think it’s so cool that my cat died last month and now my other cat, my only cat, has a mystery illness :) life is so great and fun :) and totally fair :) life definitely doesn’t shit on me every chance it gets! :) nope! :)
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my will to live is at zero
#i’m absolutely begging and pleading to be taken out of my misery#i need someone to kill me#like i genuinely feel like if someone doesn’t fucking kill me im going to have a psychotic break#i’m not fucking ok.
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absolutely nothing matters without you
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#this is the deepest sadness i’ve ever felt#i feel like 90% of my soul was ripped away from me#i’ve lost the only reason i had for living#i’m exhausted but i’m scared to go to sleep because i know i’m going to dream about him#and then i get to wake up and remember he’s gone#i will never ever see him again
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tomorrow morning at 11:30 my baby will be dead. i’ll walk into that building with him for the last time and i will walk out with an empty carrier and an even emptier heart.
#i’ve never had a timestamp on when my pet would die before#i’ve never had to call and plan ahead for an appointment to kill my cat#this was the worst phone call i’ve ever had to make in my entire life#and this whole situation has me questioning whether i can have anymore cats in the future bc i can’t imagine having to go through this again#and i keep thinking about my poor sweet other cat who is completely enamored with him#she’s been with him since she was a kitten#and now she’ll be the only cat in the house#for her first time ever#this will be my first time ever being an owner of only one cat since i was like 5 years old#this doesn’t even feel real#please don’t let it be real#i’m ready to wake up from this nightmare
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sitting here waiting and trying to figure out when the time is to put down my cat is the most terrifying traumatizing thing i’ve ever experienced. on top of the fact i’m terrified he’s going to suddenly die in the meantime. he seems to be doing ok today. he ate a bunch of food and he’s been napping on my heated blanket. but i can just tell he’s tired. i don’t want him to suffer but i don’t want to let him go too early bc i want to soak up every moment with him while i can.
#this is so fucking hard#i’ve barely even slept#my entire body is filled with sadness#i’ve never felt such a deep pit in my body in my life#and all i’ve eaten between yesterday and now is half a slice of pizza and some grapes#i can feel my body eating itself#i’m starving#but when i think about eating my stomach drops bc i think about my cat#how can i eat when he’s sitting in front of me dying?#why should he suffer alone?#plus i keep feeling so sick bc of how upset i am#my body is hungry but the rest of me can’t eat#not to mention this is making my ED go crazy bc not eating feels good like i feel skinny and i’m like well any calorie i consume rn will#just make me fat#i want to waste away so i can die and be with him#i don’t want food#i don’t need food#i need my cat#i need him
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i threw up this morning.
#it was just pure bile#i’ve barely been eating#my stomach churns at every second when i remember what’s happening#how the fuck am i ever supposed to be okay again
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i hate hearing my boyfriend cry.
#not because i think it makes him weak or some dumb shit like that#but bc i hate to see him sad#he is a very emotional person but he’s not a big crier#the only times i’ve seen him cry are when my cat passed away and his cat passed away#and now again with my cat now#but he loves him so much#and i love that he cares about my cat this much#he’s just a good person#that’s it#i’m so lucky to have him bc i have literally no one else to talk to about this#and tumblr i guess#i stopped posting on here for a while bc i had nothing to say#i’m just a shell of a person#and i’m wasting away and don’t even recognize myself anymore in the mirror#anyway i’m rambling#tumblr is basically my version of having a journal#bye
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he hasn’t even died yet but i’m already mourning the loss bc he’s not the same cat he was. he’ll never be upbeat and happy again. i’ll never see his pink nose again. bc he’s so pale. i’ll never get to cuddle him again without him being so twitchy and uncomfortable. i’ll never get to experience the cat he once was. ever again.
#this isn’t fucking real#it isn’t#this isn’t my life#i’m waiting to wake up#please#please let me wake up#it’s time to wake up#please i need to wake up#my real life has my mom and bella and mj#and we’re all healthy and happy#this isn’t real#it’s not#it can’t be
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my life just keeps steadily getting worse and worse. my fucking cat is going to die. bc i can’t afford to help him. and even if i could afford it he could still die bc he’s old.
#this might be the push that finally gets me to *nd my l*fe#seriously#once he’s gone i don’t know if i’ll be able to handle being here anymore#my brain can’t even process the fact that i’m about to lose him bc i’m so attached to him it doesn’t feel real that he could die#he’s always felt immortal to me#he’s my literal soulmate#and i don’t care if people think it’s weird to have an animal as a soulmate#anyone can be your soulmate#platonically or otherwise#anyway#i will never be the same again#my life will never be the same again#he’s been my whole world for like 15 years#anyone who knows me knows that he’s my number 1 priority in life and the person i’ll always love the most#i can’t even think about my other cat and how she’s going to react#she’s going to be devastated#she’s obsessed with him and when he’s gone it’ll just be her#and i can’t even explain what’s going on to her#meanwhile she’s already stressed out bc she has pancreatitis and is getting a pill everyday#which she hates#i’m spiralling and my life is bursting into flames#everything is about to become worse#my life is going to be worse than this#and that’s something i can’t fucking cope with
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it’s always one thing after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another after another
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life may be complete garbage but i’m so lucky to be going through it with you
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