wastedisms

[wastedisms]

you’re looking at the wrong girl.

[wastedisms]

i’m not sure i like who i’m becoming and that’s not your fault. i’m so sorry you’re getting the tail end of who i used to be.

[wastedisms]

“Don’t wanna feel another touch, don’t wanna start another fire, don’t wanna know another kiss, no other name falling off my lips.”

- Lady Gaga, I’ll Never Love Again

[wastedisms]

breathin by ariana grande

[wastedisms]

i mean. holy shit? holy shit.

[wastedisms]

it’s been a weekend of good tears. these tears stained my mama’s shirt, the only fabric i haven’t been apologetic for ruining my whole life. i talked her through the past couple of weeks and she reminded me of my strength as a woman, as a daughter, as a friend. it means the world to have words i tell others so often echoed back to me by the woman who created me, built me into who i am today. you truly don’t know how much you’re holding inside until the tiniest crack appears, the floodgates open and all hell breaks loose. 

but sometimes, if the universe smiles down on you, you find people around you that help remind you that you are light, you are loved. people who’d go into the battlefield for you first thing, whether it’s people that have known you for years or people you’ve barely held a conversation with that would for some reason take your side in a heartbeat and are not only angry for you, but angry with you. thankful to andy for opening my eyes wide to just how closed off i’ve been without even realizing it, too. i really needed that tough love reminder that it’s more than okay to be vulnerable and that maybe, i’ve ruined some pretty cool things in my life because i couldn’t let myself feel held.

i think it’s time to open up a little more.

[wastedisms]

not not a bit uncomfortable.

[wastedisms]

instagram

[wastedisms]

you both stood up for me and guarded me with your shields before i even realized what was going on. you stuck your necks out when a man was ready to throw stone after stone my way, and now i’m gonna watch out for you both not hurting each other. i love my sweet boys so infinitely. you’re grown ass adults, and i know that it hasn’t exactly gone the best ever before, but i hope you can take care of each other’s hearts -- a heart can be as fragile as glass and must be treated with care.

[wastedisms]

on the plus side, this weekend, i saw sel and h among many other lovely angel humans that i would happily spend day in and day out with if i could. we smiled, we laughed, we drank. great conversations with my favorite people whom i adore and miss so much (mental note to be around them more if possible). and the whole time, i got to have the girl i love right by my side, tucked safe away from harm’s way underneath my arm, where she belongs. my pillar of strength, the source of moonlight in my life that reminds me it’s okay to get weak in her arms sometimes, too. never, ever taking this support system for granted.

[wastedisms]

[wastedisms]

one last thing before my brain’s fried. let’s not be so bold as to assume i only write about men in my life, shall we? that’s a massive disservice to the inspiration behind the greatest love songs i personally think i’ve ever written. 

it’s different when it’s real, honest love, i suppose.

[wastedisms]

pain. shame. humiliation.

not worthy.

not men having the audacity again. not men shaming me for art i did or did not create in honor of the feelings i held close to heart and desired to share with the world in hopes they'd help someone going through a similar situation. not one fucking day after the anniversary of that fateful day where a sick man claimed he made this bitch famous. this bitch was 19 years old at the time and had never stood upon such a big stage in front of such a big crowd only to be booed off because one entitled asshole decided that he could dictate who was deserving of the biggest award of the night, and the girl in the sparkly dress just wasn't. the girl in the sparkly dress didn't have it in her to make it in hollywood without his oh-so-kind help of traumatizing her for the rest of her life by telling her she was unworthy and humiliating her in front of millions of people on live television, only to apologize and once him and his machiavellian little family decided they wanted another go at me, yet again burn my life and my reputation down with a flick of their wrist and doctored receipts. witches were burned at the stake for less, and yet again tonight, i found out that i was proven correct: all of my enemies started out friends. i see what adam thinks of me now. to him, i am but a calculating, scheming little leech who goes into relationships ready to sink my teeth into my next victim and suck them dry for the sake of career advancement. i see that even his fiancée questions my motives for wanting to patch up friendships where i can because i've burned too many bridges along my way. i feel tired, exhausted, defeated. my words will never mean shit to people who were intent on not listening to what i was saying from the beginning, anyway. fuck this. i can't keep my head on or my food down tonight and i'm not gonna try to.

[wastedisms]

and if i’m dead to you, why are you at the wake?

it’s funny that not one of these words was written with you originally in mind, but i suppose you now join the group of men who feel entitled to speak on my art louder than me.

[wastedisms]

head heavy, many thoughts, big reputation, even bigger fucking headache and many tears ready to be shed because i’m crumbling.

but i’m so so so thankful for the people in my life that i know will jump to protect me without thinking twice. thankful for their warmth and for their embraces and for their adoring words. thankful that they know i’d go into battle for them in a heartbeat, too. my people. my soul tribe.

[wastedisms]

end of summer fest setlist!

☀️☀️☀️☀️☀️

“the man” (intro)

“love story/you belong with me”

“i knew you were trouble” (ft. selena gomez)

“cruel summer”

“betty/all too well”

“lover”

“delicate”

“cardigan”

“blank space”

“shake it off” (outro)

x for youtube playlist! (ooc: shout out to jungkook’s mun for this awesome immersive idea! still vibin 2 bts’)

[wastedisms]

peace can be a single whisper when the rest of the world is in a frenzy. thank you for knowing me and for understanding without me having to say too much — you always know just the answer. i know we look at the world in really similar soft tones. you’ve seen the worst of how my job can beat me down. how it can make me prioritize a situation i don’t want to be in at all over those that mean the most to me just because i feel like i owe it to this vapid, soulless industry. but i don’t owe anyone shit. i owe it to myself to prioritize what i want to prioritize without a shred of shame or questioning my own reasoning. i want to prioritize the things i’m defined by, which are the things i love. and i’m sticking by the things i love this weekend, no matter how hard they try and fight me on it.