watcherintheweyr - Tumblr blog

[watcherintheweyr]

Hi! I was wondering what kind of abuse you think the infamous study scene in ACOMAF is? Most people agree that Tamlin here is physically abusing Feyre, however I’ve seen some disagree because they don’t think “losing control of magic” counts as abuse due to it being unintentional and his magic literally doing it’s own thing, so he’s not trying to hurt/intimidate Feyre, so they classify it negligence or emotional abuse. What kind of abuse do you think it is?

Ooh that's a toughie. Okay. Long answer time.

FOR THE RECORD I do not like Tamlin. He is controlling and abusive. He has been since day one. He and Rhysand do functionally the same things.I don’t like either of them for similar reasons, but standard disclaimer about how the book excuses Rhysand while not excusing Tamlin and that makes me hate Tamlin as a narrative device marginally less even if he still sucks.

There is an argument to be made that Tamlin in the study scene has a panic attack at the idea of Feyre leaving him and freaks the fuck out, destroying the study in general. Feyre focuses specifically on the painting supplies, but that isn't all that is destroyed, which does at least mean that Tamlin did not set out to hurt Feyre emotionally or physically. Panic attacks are involuntary.

Does that matter in the long run? Well... that's hard to say. He does immediately apologize, and he does immediately lighten the guards as Feyre requested, meaning he tries to make amends at least at first.

HOWEVER.

This is not exactly an isolated incident. The amped up to eleven thing is new-ish, but Tamlin has been pretty possessive throughout. The fact that this destructive panic attack is linked directly to the idea of Feyre leaving him, and the fact that we don’t see other panic attacks, makes this interpretation... suspect is the wrong word. Due to the narrow focus of the novels (not actually meant here as a criticism) that is part and parcel of first person, we’re only getting Feyre’s interpretations of events and only seeing what she can observe. It’s entirely possible that Tamlin had more panic attacks offscreen - except Tamlin is not a real person, he is a fictional construct. Ergo he does not exist offscreen and is not doing anything unless the book tells us about it. He doesn’t get a retcon about panic attacks. We don’t see him having them elsewhere, unless my memory has failed me.

In short, this is controlling behavior, and it is, to give sarah janet the credit she is due, entirely consistent with Tamlin’s possessive and controlling relationship with Feyre, which they have had since day 1.

So, I guess, long story short: had Tamlin prior to this been less possessive or controlling, I would be more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that this was an involuntary response/panic attack. As it is, it seems more like a tantrum that he accidentally carried too far, and as we know with Tamlin (and Rhysand) he does not care who is hurt in the pursuit of getting what he wants. In this case, he wants Feyre. The fact that we never see any other panic attacks or involuntary responses makes the study scene seem A Little Too Convenient for me to fully credit as a total accident.

But the book, to give it its due, doesn’t treat it lightly. It only erases the fact that Rhysand, Feyre’s actual foreverlove, literally drugged her (Tamlin did this with the fairy wine too, iirc), sexually assaulted her (I suppose given how the calanmai scene reads in context we can absolve Tamlin of that?), literally twisted her broken arm to make her agree to a bargain with him (Tamlin only didn’t hurt Feyre in the study scene by sheer luck), and withheld life-threatening information not once, not twice, but three times by my count on the same issue regarding Feyre’s pregnancy so that she would have his child and damn the consequences to her own wellbeing (Tamlin was apparently keeping her to be a ‘prize breeding mare’ the term is broodmare but whatever). So it becomes difficult to understand what the books’ standards are, re: abuse, and that’s why this becomes a complicated question.

TL;DR: I think it’s part of Tamlin’s possessive and controlling behavior, and I do think it’s abuse, both physical and emotional.

[watcherintheweyr]

I need to know before I go insane if we’re going by real world definition of abuse or acotar world definition because no way am I calling Tamlin abusive for taking away feyres choices when Rhysand exists. Did he give her a choice when he twisted her broken bone? Did he give her a choice when he had her do things she couldn’t remember doing? Did he give her a choice when he didn’t tell her their baby was going to kill here and he decided to keep it? I’m not calling Tamlin abusive for accidentally hurting Feyre when Feyre herself exists. Didn’t she accidentally hurt Beron’s family? Didn’t she accidentally hurt the summer court? I’m not calling him abusive for going to extremes out of a perceived need to protect her from herself when all of acosf exists. Literally I need to know, either these things are okay within the narrative (which I can suspend my disbelief since fairies are not human so they don’t need to abide by our current day morality) or if they are not.

Like when I watched the vampire diaries. If I hated everyone who mass murdered people on that show, I would hate literally the entire cast. But you have to suspend disbelief because it’s fantasy and they’re not human, so while killing lots of people is generally frowned upon in the real world, we can watch people do it and feel sympathetic towards them and still like them because of how the show treats morality (can you tell I’m a Klaroline fan?) and even view mass murder as normal and necessary within the context of the show at times even when we’d frown upon it in real life. You get me?

I just need to know!!

This is an EXCELLENT point. Are we going by real world standards or not? Many stans say no, which is why Rhysand and the Inner Circle are beyond criticism for all they do. But when it comes time to discuss Tamlin or Nesta, suddenly the answer morphs into yes, and real world standards are suddenly relevant again!

Given Sarah J Maas has made it clear she wanted to send a message about abuse and red flags, that she WANTED little girls to take away a lesson about what true love is and about empowerment, I’m going to say yes—real world standards should apply to this. Sarah J Maas has made it clear she's using real world standards to teach real world lessons, after all. But they apply to ALL characters. All of them. Because that’s how abuse and red flags work in the real world. If your first boyfriend punches you in the face, and you leave him, then your second boyfriend punches you in the face, do we only label the first one abusive because you’re currently in love with the second? No! Either an action is abusive or it isn’t. Either we’re using real world standards, or we aren’t.

So with all that having been said… what are our real world standards for abuse? Let’s see.

TW: Abuse, sexual assault.

Firstly- we're talking about domestic abuse, domestic violence, and physical interpersonal abuse, so just googling the definition of “abuse” doesn’t work because that definition includes everything from abusing drugs to a judge abusing his power. The definition is simply too broad, and we’re specifically discussing domestic abuse.

So let’s use a few trusted sources to define domestic abuse. “Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” -The National Domestic Violence Hotline

“Domestic abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner violence", can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.” -The United Nations

“Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship.” -The United States Department of Justice

“Domestic abuse includes any attempt by one person in a marriage or intimate relationship to dominate and control the other. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you.” -HelpGuide

“Interpersonal violence, often referred to as intimate partner violence, domestic violence or battering, is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.” -Boston University

Notice something about all those definitions. Domestic abuse ALWAYS has a purpose. It’s about maintaining power and control over another person. I’d also like to note that the justification the abuser uses does not matter. If they are being controlling, they are being controlling. Period.

With all this in mind, is Tamlin abusive in ACOMAF? Yes. 100%. But is Rhysand abusive? Also yes.

The National Domestic Violence Helpline (first source above) has both a list of red flags, and it redirects to another source loveisrespect.org to list types of abuse. Let’s review the red flags Tamlin displays first.

Red flags:

Telling you that you never do anything right.

Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. ✅ (Jealous of Lucien, ACOWAR)

Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.

Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. ✅ (The High Lord's meeting, ACOWAR)

Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. ✅ (Locking Feyre up, ACOMAF)

Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. ✅ (it’s not really discussed and I don’t think Feyre cares so much but I’m still putting it down, ACOMAF)

Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. ✅ (Generally throughout ACOMAF)

Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.

Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.

Destroying your belongings or your home ✅. (All three books)

But here’s my question. Does RHYSAND display any of these red flags? Yes.

Telling you that you never do anything right.

Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. ✅ (Yes, in ACOMAF, to the point where once the mating bond is consummated Rhysand attacks Cassian)

Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers. ✅ (yes, Rhysand strongly dislikes Feyre's sisters and despises her interacting with them, ACOMAF)

Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. ✅ (yes, making her lap dance in ACOTAR which Feyre refers to as being “disgraced,” talking about her breasts looking like ripe apples or whatever to Tarquin in ACOMAF, reading off Nesta's spending in ACOSF to embarrass Feyre, per Feyre's own words)

Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. ✅ (yes, he gives her “choices” that are either what he wants her to do or something she hates)

Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. ✅ (yes, to Nesta in ACOSF)

Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with. ✅ (yes, groping Feyre in ACOTAR)

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol. ✅ (yes, in ACOTAR)

Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. ✅ (yes, all throughout ACOTAR and especially with the mind rape)

Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.

Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.

Destroying your belongings or your home. ✅ (to Nesta, ACOSF)

They both display a slew of red flags. Note who displays more.

Now, as for types of abuse:

Physical abuse is any intentional, unwanted contact with you or something close to your body, or any behavior that causes or has the intention of causing you injury, disability, or death. Examples of physical abuse include:

Scratching, punching, biting, strangling, choking, or kicking.

Throwing items at you like a phone, book, shoe, or plate.

Pulling your hair.

Pushing or pulling you, or forcibly grabbing your clothing.

Threatening to use or using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace, or other weapon against you.

Touching any part of you without your permission or consent.

Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.

Grabbing your face to make you look at them.

Preventing you from leaving or forcing you to go somewhere.

Ironically enough, by this definition of physical abuse, the study scene is NOT physically abusive, as it was not intentional. I’m not saying I think that’s true, I’m just saying that by this definition, Tamlin was not physically abusive in the study scene or in any other part where he loses control of his magic. It also means Feyre losing control of her magic is not abusive, as it’s not intentional. However, this does firmly render Tamlin locking Feyre up abusive. Additionally, it also means that Rhysand is abusive for locking up the Inner Circle for 50 years, and Rhysand and Feyre are BOTH abusive for locking Nesta up.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking. Examples of behaviors that qualify as emotional or verbal abuse include:

Calling you names or putting you down.

Telling you what to do or wear.

Yelling or screaming at you.

Intentionally embarrassing you in front of others or starting rumors about you.

Preventing you from seeing or communicating with friends or family, or threatening to have your children taken away from you.

Damaging your property (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)

Using online communities or communications to control, intimidate, or humiliate you.

Blaming abusive or unhealthy behavior on you or your actions.

Being jealous of outside relationships or accusing you of cheating.

Stalking you or your loved ones.

Threatening to harm you, your pet(s), or people in your life.

Threatening to harm themselves to keep you from ending the relationship.

Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.

Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.

Threatening to expose personal details, such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.

Before anyone says it: it was Ianthe who controlled Feyre's clothing, not Tamlin. He’s still emotionally abusive, though, as he is jealous and possessive, he damages property, and he embarrasses her at the High Lord's meeting. HOWEVER, Rhysand is also abusive, as he watches Feyre through the tattoo (stalking) and makes a point of gaslighting her ALL throughout ACOMAF. Like half of the things I’ve pointed out in my retcons aren’t even retcons. They’re just things Rhysand gaslit Feyre into forgetting. For example, he makes Feyre forget that Tamlin couldn’t save her because he was… stabbed. And that he couldn’t rescue her beforehand because, by his own words UTM, Tamlin was being watching and monitored UTM. Rhysand also makes her feel guilty about not wanting his sexual advances UTM, and Feyre mentions wishing she’d “smiled at him” when he was groping her. He's also jealous of her flirting with Tarquin.

Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do. Examples of sexual abuse include: Unwanted kissing or touching. Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity. Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control. Preventing someone from using protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Sexual contact with someone intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, or otherwise unable to give clear and informed consent. Threatening, pressuring, or otherwise forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts. Using sexual insults toward someone.

Hope I don’t gotta explain this but yes. Rhysand was sexually abusive when he groped Feyre under the mountain and drugged her the whole time. I’ll also add that I have mixed feelings on Calanmai after reading this post by @longsightmyth. So idk if I can characterize Tamlin as sexually abusive.

Regardless, Tamlin and Rhysand are both abusive. They both display red flags, and both display multiple types of abuse, and if Sarah J Maas actually cared about the themes she was discussing, they would both be called out for how they act. The sad thing is… stans often fall back on the “it’s a dark romance fantasy” when explaining why they can’t hold Rhysand accountable. Because who cares what Mrs. Maas says about wanting to teach her audience lessons, right? Ironically, the only book that really could be excused that way is book 1, and only if book 1 were a standalone adult fantasy, as none of the themes about abuse or red flags are even remotely discussed there, and the book itself FEELS more whimsical and wild and ✨fae✨ But alas. ACOMAF exists, along with the lesson Sarah tried (and failed) to teach in it, and if you view that book and anything beyond it as canon, you have to use real world standards to evaluate the characters.

[watcherintheweyr]

it’s always so funny watching rhysand work through (and attempt to justify) the wonky political problems in the series. they’ll be like: “if rhysand did punish the illyrians you guys would still hate him”

and it’s like:

(1) true. he’s an abuser and a sexual assaulter, he was never gonna earn a lot of kudos points back💀

(2) rhys already proved he would round up all the ‘bad’ illyrians and kill them. he ALREADY did it. literally right after he came back from…doing the same thing he hunted them down for.

it’s like, we can certainly make up an explanation as to why the problem persists, but is it going to match up to what’s already canonical?

so rhysand, cassian, and azriel can hunt down, torture, and murder hordes of illyrians who worked for amarantha (even though rhys did too AND he took away their entire governing body during the whole deal), but they can’t do ANYTHING to defend the Illyrian women who’ve been oppressed for thousands of years? there’s NO punishment, and they’ve admitted that the reason they don’t even push as hard is bc they need the army (bc again, outside of con and Illyria, there is no standing army; velaris only has to volunteer).

[watcherintheweyr]

[watcherintheweyr]

[watcherintheweyr]

anyways i hope y’all know fmc’s should still be fmc’s even after they become mothers…. like tell me you know that pls

[watcherintheweyr]

i think your idea that viserys named naerys after rhaenyra it's so sweet, i'm crying it rare seeing such lovely post in this fandom especially about viserys since for some reason people say he hated his mother

do you have more ideas or headcanon like that? if you do i would love to know

People only think Voserys hated his mother bc they have poor critical thinking skills. He and Aegon mourned her their whole lives. She loved them and raised them to be phenomenal princes and kings. I don't particularly like Viserys II but I can't deny he's effective.

As for other similar headcanons... hmmm....

I think Rhaenyra and Daemon would've had more kids if they'd been able- and girls would've been names Visenya, Alyssa, and Aemma.

I think Rhaenyra specifically.picked Mornong's egg for Rhaena because the lovely pink and strong black made her think of her stepdaughter.

I think that while Baela and Rhaena obviously love and miss their mother and carry many of her traits, I think that while Baela is Daemon's mini-me, Rhaena is Rhaenyras. I've had that hc since the book- and in the show, Rhaena often matches her dresses to Rhaenyras, and from what we've seen of her in s2 she's started styling her hair similarly to how Rhaenyra did at her age, and appears to be wearing Rhaenyras gold necklace from her wedding (or a very similar one!)

Rhaena had six daughters with her second husband and I firmly believe that while Baela named her daughter Laena, Rhaena defied political niceties, and named one daughter Rhaenyra. And perhaps another daughter was named a feminine version of Lucerys- to honor her first betrothed, who she clearly had a good relationship with.

I think that Luke and Rhaena would have made a fantastic Lord and Lady of the Tides- and Baela and Jace would've been among the best rulers Westeros ever had.

I also will die on the hill that if she hadn't been so deeply sabotaged and destroyed by grief and betrayal, Rhaenyra would've been a solidly good queen.

I think that Cregan, Jace, and Baela would've been the OT3 to end all OT3s and I honestly think Cregan mightve considered staying south to be Jace's hand, if things had played out differently.

I definitely think Aegon3 wanted to name his sons for the brothers he lost, but was pressured out of it due to the political unrest. And honestly, sadly, I do think Viserys would've been the one to dissuade him, and that likely would've deeply damaged their relationship

I headcanon that every time Rhaenyra had a child, Syrax laid a clutch- their bond is shown to be so deep to the point that they share paim, and Rhaenyra shows a deep love and respect for Syrax. Honestly all of team Black show their dragons a lot of love and respect- unlike team Green who sort of just use their dragons as tools of war and naught else.

I think if things hadn't ended how they did, Aegon 3 would've claimed Grey Ghost. Their personalities suit one another so well! Rhaenyra would've been so proud, and Daemon would've helped him every step of the way. (Side note, @spreta-invidia wrote the Best aegon3 fic quite literally ever, and he and Grey Ghost... 👀 anyways you should read the fic)

Idk I have a lot of Targaryen headcanons, particularly for Rhaenyra and her family bc they're my favorites of House Targaryen. If you'd like any more feel free to shoot me another ask- but I tend to kinda error 404 when questions are vague so if there's anything specific you'd like to know my headcanons about that'd be super helpful lmao

[watcherintheweyr]

 ﹟random get-to-know-me ask game  !! 

orchid ⇢ what’s a song you consider to be perfect?

cactus ⇢ something you’re currently learning (about)?

bamboo ⇢ do you change into a different outfit when you get home?

abelia ⇢ do you have a particular piece of jewelry you always wear or can’t part with?

daffodil ⇢ do you have siblings? if yes, in what ways do you think you’re similar to or different from them?

mahonia ⇢ what place, thing, activity inspires you most and how do you express yourself when it does?

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

sage ⇢ what ‘medium’ of art (poetry, music, fiction, paintings, statues etc.) is the most touching to you? why do you think that is?

edelweiss ⇢ how’d you think of your url/username? what’s it associated with to you?

camellia ⇢ what were you like when you were younger? do you think you’ve changed a lot?

jasmine ⇢ do you have a movie or book you loved but will never watch/read again?

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

chamomile ⇢ what kind of things do you like receiving as gifts?

aloe vera ⇢ what’s something (mundane) you really want to experience in life?

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

papyrus ⇢ if you put your ‘on repeat’ playlist on shuffle, what’s the first song that comes up? what do you like about it / associate it with?

taro ⇢ if someone called you right now to catch up, what’re the things you’d tell them about?

[watcherintheweyr]

"we can't just force the illyrians to treat the women right. that would be WRONG. we can't abuse our power like that 😔. however we can round them up and slaughter them for doing exactly the same thing I did publicly bec even tho I did it for fake they did it for REALLLLL" - Rhys, probably

[watcherintheweyr]

may you find the forgiveness that you seek, my child; just not in my sacred walls

[watcherintheweyr]

"I fought my cringe as I halted in the threshold. Lucien was still in his travel-worn, filthy clothes. His face and hands, at least, were clean, but... I should have gotten him something else. Remembered to offer him- The thought rippled away into nothing as Rhys appeared at my side." - ACOWAR, Chapter 15

So, let me get this straight. The entire time Lucien and Feyre are travelling, he's constantly making sure she's okay. He covers her in his cloak, catches fish for them (with his bare hands, I might add ;)), etc. And LITERALLY as soon as they get back to Velaris, Feyre allows Rhys to kick everybody (including Lucien) out so they can fuck?? Lucien was sexually assaulted, just survived a violent ordeal with his older brothers, and is now in a new city with people he's never met. And Feyre ditches him immediately so she can go take a bath and have sex? I understand wanting to reunite with her mate, but she couldn't even remember to get him fresh clothes to change into after they've been traveling for a week??

AND SHE FEELS GUILTY FOR A SPLIT SECOND, BUT AS SOON AS RHYS APPEARS, SHE FORGETS ABOUT IT??? The fuck is that about??

I understand she's upset with him, but this was insane. And then Feyre has the nerve to get mad he found new friends.

[watcherintheweyr]

If you haven't seen that, then you're either willfully ignoring it or in an echo chanber: bc this is the general attitude of rhaenicents on Twitter 🤷‍♂️ this is just from the top of the search for rhaenyra hate.

And yeah it's all over tumblr and tiktok too

And if you kick every Rhaenicent out of HOTD fandom who’s gonna call Rhaenyra a “spoiled irresponsible slut” ?

Any TG member.

[watcherintheweyr]

Honest thoughts on Alicent Hightower?

I have a lot of empathy for women like Alicent Hightower. I know and love quite a few women like her, with similar experiences, and fears, and who make similar decisions. 

Some women who align with the system that is oppressing them do so due to their inability to envision the possibility of freedom. Therefore, they opt to join the oppressive system in the hope of gaining some power from it. They sacrifice their dreams to the patriarchy and more often than not, they're fine with this exchange because they can wield power as wives, as mothers and less commonly as daughters.

Which is understandable, sad but understandable.

It is a miserable existence, and they feel resentment when they see other women who do not want to conform to the narrow lane that patriarchy (especially African patriarchy) designates for us. They become bitter and resentful, but they never direct that bitterness towards the men who are oppressing them. They direct their bitterness towards the women in their lives, bucking patriarchal oppression as best they can, instead of the men who are actively oppressing them. 

It makes them very dangerous. Women whose entire identity is tied to the men in their lives will gladly set you on fire to keep a man, any man, warm. They'll rarely encourage men to hurt you explicitly, but they'll cheer when they do. They'll tell you that being hurt by the patriarchy is the price that you have paid for stepping out of line. For daring to aspire to more than three predetermined roles that women are destined for.

My whole life has been balancing my love and my anger at the patriarchy princesses in my life. How do you love someone who is in community with people who want you dead? In my experience, painfully and from a distance. 

[watcherintheweyr]

sometimes i just sit around thinking about Grey Wardens

[watcherintheweyr]

date idea: we drink wine while a dilapidated mansion crumbles around us

[watcherintheweyr]

Me when I feel myself getting sucked back into a hyperfixation that I’d moved out of.

[watcherintheweyr]

Greens: alicent was maritally raped!!!!!

Also greens: rhaenyra should have done her duty and forced her gay husband to have sex with her even if he didnt like it!!!!!