waxwingsandheartstrings
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I'm the only one that still semi-frequently uses this account. I don't want to make a new blog. but, anyway. god I miss them. I miss my partners, I miss my siblings, I miss my dad. mum is more of a wreck than I've ever seen. she thinks I don't know, but I'm no stranger to anguish. I don't want to be more weight on her shoulders. maybe that's me self sabotaging, I'm not sure. I try and go to Cas sometimes, but he gets emotional if I go on for too long. he really misses Denver. he's had a harder time taking care of Friend lately and I know he feels guilty. there's a weird bitterness that settles when I think about it but I know I don't mean it. I know what they've done is valid, I respect their decision, but it doesn't hurt any less. I always pathetically hope that maybe they'll miss one of us and send a text. it's selfish, I know. mostly, we hope, for their sake, that they don't think of us at all. we hope they've moved on from us and our names aren't bitter on their tongue. they don't deserve another person they consider texting so bad they have to get high to cope. that probably sounds like shit after everything. I'm sure my guilt means nothing. I hope it means nothing. I hope they never wonder if we feel guilty and try to convince themselves that our guilt means they owe us something. I don't know what the point is in saying all of this. I miss them. we all do, really. even Eva can't hide how much she misses Alex. she just pretends better. she's happy to be fun and silly and flirty, but it's never for long. we're trying to get better, and she is doing better slowly, but.. I don't know where else to go from there. I don't know anymore.
the funniest part is texting them is an option, but I'm so scared to. I know we were told it was okay, but I'm worried it isn't our place. they established no contact with us, they deserve to have the chance to reach out on their terms, but what if they'd rather we do it? god. I'm scared. I don't want to come off clingy. as much as this has pained us, we still respect them, obviously. we still love them so fucking much. I almost want to avoid them just to make sure there's no risk we can hurt them. they don't deserve more pain. we've already done enough. god. I'm so scared to do anything. I turned our phone off do not disturb and everything, just in case.
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fuck I'm doing bad again. apparently looking through my old posts wasn't haha funny. we were going to be married and now he's just gone. I haven't seen him in fucking months and maybe I never will again. there's so many bitter things I could say but I don't have it in me. I miss him. he used to hold me during times like these and kiss me and tell me how much he loved me. I wonder now if he truly meant it at all.
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almost killed myself thank you Cassie for making me go on a walk instead!!! unfortunately this does mean I have to stay alive
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needed to log in to the old account but I don't care, god I feel so sick. am I being dramatic? I just want to be held and I want comfort but I know damn well I won't get that and maybe I'm being weird for wanting it. I've already been feeling on edge these days, then springing something triggering on me with no warning, then not even caring when I talk about how things hurt me. I thought it bothered him when I was upset but I guess not anymore! maybe he's fucking sick of me. maybe he's sick of having a damn leech on his side all the time.
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happy birthday, Q. I love you. I'm sorry I can't see you this year. next year, I promise. we'll be together and things will be perfect for us. we just have to wait a bit.
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crazy that I was getting the life fucked out of me just 24 hours ago and I felt like everything was finally okay. of course it wasn't. I have always been a fool to get my hopes up. but, honestly, I think them deciding to not come back played a huge factor and I can't pretend it didn't. things could've gone so much better if they just wanted us a little more. I was going to make a nest and everything.
maybe I'll make one before I leave. it may be the last one I ever make.
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there's something scary about knowing it's the end for a while. what if I don't come back? what if they don't? I'm scared to leave. I'll come back if it's urgent or if I'm forced, but otherwise.. I need a few months, I think. I hate that but I do. I'll miss everyone so much though. so, so much. please wait for me. you've gone six months before, what's a few less than that, right? everything will be okay soon. we'll be okay.
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I don't know what to do about being ignored forever I guess. they won't text first but why should I keep putting in effort that I won't get back? I'll probably just be ignored again anyway
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adding that I'm fine as if anyone will acknowledge the post anyway. fuck
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jesus, at least my last suicide attempt wasn't alone. (I AM FINE, BY THE WAY.)
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I just want to hear that it'll be okay. I just want someone to say they love me and be gentle and care about me. plesse. I know I don't deserve it but I'm scared
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fuck. even when I do ask for help, look at how it goes. how much do I have to beg for slmeone tk just help me? am I being too selfish? what's wrong with me??
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I hate the fake sympathy but I hate the silence even more can I kill myself yet
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maybe I shoukd eat something because surely being malnourished or whatever isn't helping.. however I don't have much of an appetite at all. fuck why did I do tjis to myself. I miss my dad
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I just got the callender nktification we put in for the Quackitys birthday tomorrow. fuck. all of this because I'm upset I'm not allowed to see him. I'm sorry, my love.
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I should bash my skull in and let them watch so they can finally be happy with us. they know we'd deserve it anyway, which is a relief among people who pretend we're an innocent saint. we're a disgusting abomination. that's why no one really loves us. we deserve something worse than death.
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I wonder if this is how they felt last year. I guess this is just karma then. that makes it better, like I'm actually doing something good for once by feeling this shit
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