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[wdhawthorne]

Imagine

1024 words / Prompt: Empty

Let’s say it didn’t happen that way. Instead, let’s say John looks up a moment sooner, and sees Sherlock approaching. He has a minute to process what he sees instead of realising it later, when the waiter is rambling on about vintages and stranger’s gazes….

Maybe he’s just had a thought about Sherlock, about how he wouldn’t be sitting here with a ring box if Sherlock hadn’t died. He might be a bit sad, trying to buoy himself up to smile when Mary returns, and he looks up to check whether she’s on the stairs yet— and he sees Sherlock instead.

And Sherlock— let’s say he’s had a giddy thought about pretending to be a waiter, but now he’s seen John’s face and isn’t sure what to do. He’s come through the door, and the headwaiter’s phone is buzzing, and he’s just staring at John. 

Maybe John thinks it’s an hallucination. Maybe he’s seen Sherlock (ghost? Vision? Hallucination?) before now— across a crowded street, disappearing into a Tesco or coming up from the underground. Maybe he’s heard that voice. (Sitting in his chair one evening, a voice drifts up from the street below— he can’t even make out words, but he knows. By the time he’s out the front door, looking around, wild-eyed, there is no Sherlock in sight.)

He listens, always.

He’s not good at deducing things like this, but when he sees Sherlock, he might notice something, a detail he wouldn’t have imagined. He looks tired, thin, sad. Not the way John usually remembers him. 

If John tries to remember him, it’s always with his coat swirling, his collar popped, his hair a bit windblown. It’s the Sherlock who gives him that smile, the one he reserves for John, who has no idea what it means. But he knows that it’s only for him. 

Let’s say that here and now, on the edge of this knife, about to change his whole life, giving it to a woman who has been good to him, saved him from drowning in grief— let’s say that when he sees Sherlock, he realises that he’s not certain. 

Maybe he doesn’t really love her. They could get married and he’d learn to love her. But she might grow tired of him, impatient if he keeps talking about Sherlock, or even silently missing him. He should be over that by now. 

Maybe she isn’t who she seems to be. He wonders what Sherlock would deduce if he got a look at her. 

He wonders if he wants to know.

Let’s say that Sherlock, when he sees John’s awful moustache, realises that it’s too late, that John has moved on. He’s had this thought before, if he’s honest with himself. He got careless in Serbia because he kept thinking two years, two years, too long... 

He’s looking at John and he’s suddenly ashamed. Never ashamed that he loves John, but ashamed that he never said, that it was always something he put off saying because he had calculated the possibility of John loving Sherlock at nil. Even if he once might have been open to that (unattached, like me…), how could John love Sherlock now, when he’s grieved for two years, believing a lie that Sherlock orchestrated? John is alive, and that’s all he wanted. What he wants now, he sees he can’t have, and he’s ashamed. 

His face flushing, he turns back the way he came in, pushes past several people waiting to be seated. He flees the look on John’s face. He’s mortified that he came here, thinking he’d make John laugh, see him smile, and sweep him away, back to Baker Street. 

He’s got on with his life.

Outside, he stands on the pavement, deleting the happy scene he’d imagined. 

Is that sentiment talking?

Everything will be different now from what he’s imagined. He might hail a taxi and go home— 

But it isn’t home now. It’s an empty house, without John. 

Imagine John now, seeing the hallucination turn away, exit the restaurant. He doesn’t think about Mary or the ring or what he’s going to say to her. He stands, stumbles away from the table, then runs towards the door. 

He sees him from the back— a tall man wearing a dark coat, the collar up, curly dark hair. His head is bowed, his shoulders slumped. 

It can’t be. 

But at this moment, before he takes another step into a new life, he’d rather make a fool of himself than dismiss the possibility that it could be him. 

One more miracle, for me.

If anyone could be that clever, fake his own death, and return—

Sherlock raises his head, gathering himself for what’s next. There is no solution. He can’t go back, so he must go forward. He’ll see John at some point, and he’ll apologise. If he’s lucky, John will accept his explanation. But they’re in different timelines now: John moving into the future, Sherlock stuck in the past. 

He raises his hand to hail a cab. 

Imagine: a hand on his back, tentative, trembling.“Sherlock?”

Imagine: the face he always looks for, the voice he still hears. “John?”

Let’s say it happens this way. 

John doesn’t hit Sherlock. He falls into the arms that are already open to receive him. He weeps. He curses. He laughs. And weeps some more. 

Sherlock doesn’t make fun of John’s moustache. He doesn’t make a joke about tuxedos, or say, short version, not dead. Instead, he reaches for John, saying, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… 

John forgets about Mary. He hugs Sherlock.

When Sherlock asks, “Your date?” John hits his forehead, pulls out his phone and sends a text. Something’s come up. I’m sorry. We’ll talk tomorrow.

John forgets about Mary, again. He looks up at Sherlock, who is smiling now, giving him that look, the one that’s only for him. 

Sherlock can’t let go. He’s not sure what comes next, but he’s less afraid now, and maybe he can finally say it. 

John remembers every time he went to Sherlock’s grave, never able to say it. 

“I love you.”

Let’s say it happens like that. 

[wdhawthorne]

via 2rawtooreal2

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NEVER THROW YOUR VOTE AWAY!

(captions added by me)

[wdhawthorne]

Reblog if you love AO3 and appreciate their volunteers who are working harder than God, fighting battle after battle, making sure the place that is a safe space for every fandom is staying up and running for all of us

[wdhawthorne]

amen.

I think at this point I'm happy when a story only goes long enough to get a good and happy ending.

As much as I'd love to have more and more of the stories I love, I think I'd rather have less of them if means the story ends at a point where I can keep loving the small amount of it that I have forever without reservation.

I'd prefer that than getting more of the story, but having to cope with it becoming this cold, alienating thing that breaks what I loved most about it in the first place. And then if I'm lucky, maybe getting a lukewarm ending tacked on it that gives me only a faint sheen of what I liked about it in the first place. Then I have more of this story once loved, but I no longer have a story I love, because that last bit kind of poisoned the whole thing.

Sometimes you know a story is being created by good and smart people and it wasn't going to break if we and they had more time with it, and it's too bad that you don't get more of it to enjoy. But at least we have a beautiful ending with two beautiful men once broken and lost and now in love and full of hope, living their best lives forever, and not the disappointing mess that is Sherlock.

[wdhawthorne]

I've gotta admit, the take that Ed and Stede are "running away" from their problems at the end of s2 absolutely baffles me.

The thesis statement of this show, as we know, is "a lot of the things we are taught about being a man are wrong." Harmful ideas of what it means to be a man are at the core of Ed and Stede's issues with themselves: Stede struggle to feel like as much of a man despite loving softer things, Ed's feeling forced into a hyper-masculine caricature of himself. These are the core problems at the heart of these characters, obviously there's more to it but when you boil it down that's what we're working with. This is why Stede's trying to live up the ideal pirate image in s2e7 is important; he's getting a taste of what he thought he wanted so he can choose to leave it behind for what's really important. Ed, too, is still struggling at the end of the season with figuring out who Ed is, once he can break free from the Blackbeard persona.

What would be solved by sailing away, planning to continue as pirates at the end of s2? How would that be addressing their problems or helping them live more authentically? Ed has wanted to leave piracy since we met him, and yes, Stede enjoys piracy, but the idea that piracy is the true and right end-state for him is a very basic reading of the text I think.

Ed and Stede making the decision to try building a life together in their new shack isn't running away from their problems - it's Stede prioritizing Ed over a life of piracy, because piracy isn't what he wanted in the first place. He wanted to be a part of something, he wanted to marry for love, he wanted to be appreciated for who he is. It's Ed finally realizing in the finale that he can use violence as a tool to protect the people he loves, but he's also allowed to step away from it. Will the inn idea work out? Maybe. Maybe not. Who cares? It's not the inn that's important, really, it's that they're both choosing to commit to each other and taking this step towards living more authentically.

We already know exactly what "running away from their problems" would look like, and it's the plan Ed proposed in s1e9. He wanted to run away to China so their old lives could be "gone, dead, never were." Ed just wanted to forget about his past, and Stede was riddled with guilt - wherever they go, there they are. The difference between that plan at the end of s1 and Ed and Stede's new plan at the end of the s2 is, first of all, they're both all in and they know it, and, secondly, they're both getting a lot better at meeting themselves where they're at.

[wdhawthorne]

Can we just appreciate Mary Bonnet for a minute? In another story, she would be the heroine. She’s sold in marriage to a man she does not love—something which she has likely expected to happen her whole life—and she tries to make a life as best she can. She’s actually gotten quite lucky—he’s a kind man, he doesn’t hurt anyone, he cares for their children, he’s good to her. He’s distant and disconnected and spends too much time in his own head, but it could have been so much worse. She tries to talk to him and fails. She tries to get him to open up and he either can’t or won’t.

Then he just vanishes in the middle of the night. He’s run off to sea to be a pirate, of all things. And she collects herself (a woman who has been abandoned, with two small children) and begins making a life she wants. She indulges her creativity. She makes friends. She takes painting lessons and falls in love with her teacher. She has an orgasm for the first time! She’s happy.

When her husband suddenly comes back, she’s ANGRY. Of course she is—he abandoned them with a brief letter that closed with “fond regards.” And he’s changed. He’s colder. He’s meaner. He threatens the life she’s made and does it explicitly. He doesn’t love her or even really want to be there, but he will embarrass her and stop her from doing what she loves and being with whom she loves. So she takes the only way out that she can see, because she can't get divorced, and tries to kill him.

And then she learns that so much has happened to him. That he’s still the kind man she was married to, but his choices have changed him. He’s like her—he wants to be free, he wants to be loved, he wants to know what love feels like. Well, she can at least tell him that. When she does, she sees him change again. He lets go of so much; the pain drains from his face. He’s suddenly relieved and happy in a way she’s never seen him happy. Then he looks at her with warmth in his eyes and tells her he’s found the love she’s describing. And his name is Ed.

It’s relief to them both. She understands him now, this man she lived with for years and whom she knew cried at night and hid himself away where she couldn’t reach him. They play one last game together, and it’s a fun game, he’s actually fun, and they’re both happy. And then they’re both free.

Mary’s story is so wonderful.

[wdhawthorne]

Something I like to think about is the moments that we don’t see after the bathtub scene. Imagine stede gently asking ed, who’s head is resting on his hand, if he’s ready to get up. Carrying the robe for him as he takes him by the hand and gently helps him step carefully out of the tub, giving him a cloth and water to clean his face with. Ed apologizing for taking his robe and making a scene, and stede telling him is perfectly alright in that soft whisper that he only uses with Ed. Holding his hand to steady him as he walks him back to the captains cabin and offers him the space to take his time calming down. Makes sure none of the other crew members see him, because he knows ed would be uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to betray Ed’s trust after he’s just let him in at such a vulnerable time.

[wdhawthorne]

Tracy Chapman and Luke Combs performing Fast Car at the Grammys

[wdhawthorne]

In 'things that Erin did not expect to say today', Psychology Today has published an article about the campaign to save OFMD.

And it has this slam-dunk in it.

[wdhawthorne]

In 'things that Erin did not expect to say today', Psychology Today has published an article about the campaign to save OFMD.

And it has this slam-dunk in it.

[wdhawthorne]

reblog if you’ve read fanfictions that are more professional, better written than some actual novels. I’m trying to see something

[wdhawthorne]

[wdhawthorne]

Fuck you, HBOMax.

[wdhawthorne]

I crochet dolls, and I wanted to share two recent creations.

15 inches tall, poseable, with rooted hair and yes, magnets to hold hands.

Last picture bonus: Stede’s salon and spa day!

[wdhawthorne]

Sad

I would guess that so many on tumblr don’t know who he is was, but the news that David “Hutch” Soul passed away yesterday made me immensely sad. It was my affection for Starsky & Hutch that drew me into “organized” fandom, with fanfic zines, vids, cons, etc, many, many years ago. I met some of my best friends in S/H fandom, and I am still friends with them. We have wandered through so many other fandoms since then, but S/H will always hold a special place in my heart. Hearing that David is now gone feels like another little piece of my youth is gone too. Goodbye old friend, thanks for the memories.

[wdhawthorne]

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Just finished one of my favourite works! 🥰🌙🏴‍☠️ I hope you like them ☺️