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My rab, I’m struggling . This dunya and the people around me is breaking me. I feel so broken, I don’t know how recover. Everytime i try to move forward, i fall , and i feel like i keep falling. Isti far helps, but sometimes i can deal with all this. Prophet say i should keep my tongue moist to the remembrance of allahswt. Just anything simple. Im angry my rabb, with my leg situation. Forgive me ya rabb. Ya ghafur. This journey of Islam, i thought it will be easy, well it is, in someways. The oomfort of knowing allahswt have my back. But someday i feel like I can’t be consistent.

Something to learn from this. No matter how shitty i felt I should keep my obligatory act. I need to put in effort. I need to keep up with 5 prayers. I cannot miss Ain. I don’t want to cut away my relationship with allahswt. I want to do better. 5/10 mins a day.

When you see Allah comforting you with His remembrance, know that He loves you. And whoever Allah loves, everything loves him.

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My rabbi,

Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim. I have so many needs in this dunya, ya allah.

You have provided for me so many things, you have me into your path and im forever grateful for that. You have allow my parents to live another day, You have allow my blood to flow and my legs to get me to work.La ilaha illallah, Muhammadur rasulullah.

Ya Allah, Allow me to finish my menses and allow me fast, allow me to do some zakat in this 10 days you have given us. Ya allah, i struggle to be get into my routine of doing my 5 solah, everytime i end my period. I miss putting my head on the ground for you, but somehow deep in my heart, i feel this heavy feeling. Like my solah is a burden. But it is not. It is my communication with you. I am sorry, my rabbi. That I fall into this pattern.

Ya Ghafoor, Al - Wadud

I still dont know how to love anyone, ya allahswt. I am trying to love my parents, myself. Teach me ya allah , how to love. How to love a man, in the most halal manner. Grant me a good kind husband that is also close to you, Allow me to be a mother in this dunya, ya rabbi.

Ya allahswt, allow me to earn many more rezeki for myself and for my family. Allow me to be good at my job that I am needed at this organisation. Use me, my rabbi. To help the people of gaza, for the people of palestines, Grant them jannah my rabbi. Allow me and my family and friends ummah of Nabi muhammadswt.

Let the halal be enough for me, that i stop viewing all those haram things at night. Let the halal be enough so I do not go into the haram.

I want to travel this dunya that you have build for us, my rabbi. I want to the falling stars and the cold night air you have built for us. I want to be able to drive in a car. grant me the ability to drive a car and get a license my rabbi. Allow me to make a difference in my community.

Only you know me, more than anyone else.

You know everything about me, allow me to have sabar to accept the decree that you have plan for me. Thank you being here with me despite all of my sins. Thank you, my rabbi.

You do not need to save some time to read or listen to the Qur’an, but rather you have to make the Qur’an fill all your time

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Go back to Allah even if you have sinned a thousand times.

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everytime i frailed, and i fall away from my route. My path, I woke up and i miss being close to Allahswt. You see He is everywhere, he see it all, nobody say anything about religion. I might deviate away for a while, but masyaallah, allahamdulilah, I am still able to ask for forgiveness. I am still able to do my sujood. And for that I am so grateful. For that I am so grateful.

and again I stand in prayer with a heavy heart, hoping for relief, dear Allah

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23 May 2024

I have started working at raffles strata management for 6 days now. Masyaallah, I am so blessed to be apart of this venture. This opportunity drop out of the sky like unexpectedly and ya allahswt, I am so thankful. So so thankful. I made doa of finding my place on this dunya, on how I always feel out of place in this world. Nor in my family or work. I just couldn’t fit the piece. But ya rabbi, he allow me to go through this and he didn’t leave me alone. And despite being busy at work I will always try to slot my dkir in, because I am so so thankful so this, and I have no ideas how to show allahswt my gratitude, even my solah is for my benefit. Ya allahswt, al wadud allow my love for you to grow from this on. Till the day I get to meet you my rabbi. Forgive me my rabbi.

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“Truth is, I want you to be safe, want you to sleep so I can sleep.”

— Sam Cheuk, Postscripts from a City Burning; “11/06/19 (2)”

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اللهم لا تجعل رمضان يمر كالريح. قُدِّر لنا التطهير، غيّرنا للأفضل، اغفر لنا ذنوبنا، وقربنا إليك

𝘠𝘢 𝘈𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘢𝘩, 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘙𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘢𝘯 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘥. 𝘗𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘺 𝘶𝘴, 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦 𝘶𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘴 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘠𝘰𝘶.

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I have taken Ramadan or my deen seriously. I don’t know how to or research about it up till now. Alhamduliliah for this opportunity. I prayed that I stay on this path as long as I live and till I take my last breath. Ya rabbi, you are all hearing and seeing. You know me better then I know myself ya rabb, forgive me of my sins that I know of and the ones that I don’t even know. My rabb, guide my heart to become a better Muslim. Protect me from malice, jealousy and evil feelings towards other. Grant me patience with my parents. Ya rabb, stay close to me. Grant me your love, ya allahswt. Aminnn.

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Don't forget about the Palestinians.

Don't forget about them now.

Don't forget about them tomorrow.

Don't forget about them in a week from now.

Don't forget about them in a month.

Don't forget them next year.

Don't forget them in 5 years.

When the history books start to update, don't let them put lies in there.

When documentaries come out, boycott the ones who call this a victory for Israel.

When books release talking about soldier's personal experiences with Palestine, remember the victims. Remember the truth.

Don't forget about what we've seen.

Don't forget about what we've heard.

Don't let them tell lies about Palestine.

Don't forget about the Palestinians when the world tries to make this go away.

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“Regret is Tawbah”

Al-Qari (may Allah have mercy on him) said:

because it leads to the other essential parts thereof, namely giving up the sin, resolving not to go back to it, and restoring people’s rights wherever possible… What is meant is regret for having committed the sin because it is a sin, not for any other reason."

(Mirqat al-Mafatih  4/1637).

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Margaret Atwood, from “Against Still Life”, Selected Poems: 1965-1975