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Lo (2009)

Lo. A story about a young man who faces off against demons in order to rescue his girlfriend- and is confronted with some uncomfortable truths. It rides the line between comical and outright campy, sometimes using that line as a jumprope, but still manages to tug on my heartstrings even though I've seen it probably a hundred times.

It's also weird as hell in some parts, both to its benefit and detriment, but I enjoy it all.

So get comfortable, keep your hands and arms inside the summoning circle, and let's get to the reviewing!

Review under the cut and as always, beasties and ghouls, there will be SPOILERS AHEAD!

This movie was made on a very limited budget, and takes place entirely in one location- the main character's living room. Despite the limitations of budget and locale, Lo manages to tell a very emotional story, and looks pretty good doing it!

(Side note- this movie, as far as I could determine, DOES NOT exist in HD form, and you know what? I think that's a good thing.)

The movie utilizes prosthetics for several characters, giving them unique and vaguely grotesque appearances; its also used when Justin, our main character, starts breaking down and enters into a conversation with his own brain through a wound on his hand.

The characters are what carry this movie, given its lack of flexibility in other categories as previously mentioned. We get drawn into Justin's struggle to command a powerful demon in order to save his missing girlfriend, and can't really help but laugh at Lo's wisecracks as it taunts its summoner and plays with his mind.

Justin is Just Some Guy, stepping out of his comfort zone and into the realm of the demonic and occult, in search of his girlfriend April who has been kidnapped by demons. He really has no idea what he's doing, but it's admirable how he keeps going, despite being threatened, humiliated, injured, and even poisoned. Even after he finds out his beloved's true nature, he still tries to bring her home.

April is, in fact, a demon herself, one of the murderous, vile, foul disgusting denizens of hell, unique among her people for being the only demon who possesses human emotions- the entire spectrum. She's the only one who can experience love, both the good parts of it and the bad. Other demons can't understand what love even feels like, and its shown that they're envious of this ability. (Though they'll deny it, of course.)

We get a musical number performed by the demon who kidnapped her (its name is Jeez, which I think about every time I use that word) that gives us her backstory, which amuses me and also kind of gives me secondhand embarrassment for reasons I cannot fathom. (It's called Demon Girl and you can find the scene on Youtube at the time of writing this.)

Lo, played by Jeremiah Birkett (who also stars as Bluebell the troll in the 10th Kingdom, another underrated early 2000s gem), is hilarious on first watch and compelling on additional ones. Its constant jabs at Justin, such as calling him 'Dinner' because that name better fits his future, make it likeable and blurs the lines of what evil really is. It's easy to forget that Lo, by its own admission, and I quote- 'will eat, kill, and rape anything, especially babies'.

The demon Lo does its best to dissuade Justin from his mission, suggesting multiple times that he dismiss it and burn the book like April had told him, which may be a hint to the twist that comes at the end of the film. Other possible hints include Lo using April's voice, going into details on what demons DO to people, and outright telling Justin that to call it disgusting is to call her disgusting, as they are the same.

Because they are. April is Lo, having fled Hell in the guise of a human, stealing a very special book- the book that Justin later uses to summon Lo. The revelation that they are one and the same seems to be the thing that finally convinces Justin that he and April can't be together, no matter how many demons he summons or how brave and determined he is.

I admit I had not clocked the twist on my first viewing, too caught up in the drama of Justin/Dinner vs the menagerie of demons (and the silliness of scenes like The Waiter putting on a performance while he makes a drink, shortly before he pours Justin's ACTUAL drink) to pick up on any of the hints.

I can't talk about this movie without mentioning the music. First we have the film's score, composed by Scott Glasgow, whose tracks 'Love, Misunderstood' and 'Love Theme From "Lo"' never fail to bring on a sense of melancholic nostalgia. Second, but equally as memorable To Me, are The Rondo Brothers, whose contributions to the film are their tracks 'Computers on Ice' and 'Ghost Patrol'. One of those tracks is fun and silly and the other one is played during the solemn ending, so of course it vexes and haunts me to this day.

I doubt the movie would have made such an impression on me without the music, but it's the dialogue that really gets me. We have comedic lines, like Lo accusing Justin/Dinner of being racist against demons, a solid 15 seconds of Justin muttering 'god damn it' repeatedly, and one of my favorites- 'Dude. Dude. I just heard you fell for the whole, "drink this and you can walk through Hell bit".' from Jeez.

There's also more serious lines that stick with me. Lo firmly stating that 'a demon should never entertain the notion that love is the answer to its question'. Justin pleading with April to stay, even after he knows she's a demon, by promising her 'Tell me you won't eat me and I'll make you my wife.'

The ending hurts in such a good way. Even after all he's been through, Justin doesn't get to rescue April and bring her home. Instead, he has to let her go, closing the circle and burning her book, cut off from her for good. Like most tragedies, there was no other way it could have ended.

Another thing I'd like to touch on is the creativity of using a stage performance to portray the flashback scenes, complete with 'actors', backstage crew, and some very expressive Comedy and Tragedy masks who are literally just people standing behind a curtain with only their faces visible.

And speaking of which, this is a movie that would translate very well to a stage, with the majority of the scenes consisting of Lo and Justin talking back and forth on the floor in a dark room, and secondary characters manifesting in various corners. (And a live version of Demon Girl sounds HILARIOUS.)

Overall I give this one 9 ghosts outta ten, as there are a couple things in it that it could probably have done without, but overall it's one of my favorite movies. No, it's not a scary movie, but there's a kind of horror to be found in knowing you love a monster, despite the monstrous things they've done.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Pontypool (2008)

Pontypool, based off of the 1995 novel 'Pontypool Changes Everything' by Tony Burgess, is a story about a small group of people trapped inside a radio station, desperately trying to find out the truth of the madness that's transforming the world around them. It's also about hope, about learning to care about others, and about the coolest zombie virus concept I have ever heard of.

It bears a lot of similarities to the 2023 game Killer Frequency- a disgraced former big-shot radio host who's been relocated to a small town, a station producer trying to reign him in and keep things on track, and a terror that unfolds right outside their doors that, at first, they only hear about through callers. There's even a reference to it in the game- I can't imagine it's a coincidence that there's a character named Ponty who features repeatedly.

Review under the cut, and as always, beasties and ghouls, there will be SPOILERS AHEAD!

Pontypool is an unusual entry into the zombie/virus outbreak subgenre. Many of the typical hallmarks are not featured- there's very little gore, no hero with a gun, and with only a small handful of characters, there's no Death Fodder.

It does, however, feature a scattering of details that enhance the experience on subsequent viewings- Grant Mazzy's encounter with the strange woman before he gets to work becomes more chilling as it becomes clear that the virus has spread that far before the characters even know it exists.

The tension builds slowly, coming in the form of calls from listeners and their 'field agent' Ken. Strange things are afoot in Pontypool, with people chanting nonsense, usual callers not reaching out, and employees pulling no-call no-shows, but it's hard to verify any of the claims when they have no visual confirmation.

Pontypool uses the isolation of the radio station and the uncertainty of the truth to create its horror, along with very good sound design, and does a fantastic job of making you need to know what's going on- viewers can intuit that it's a zombie outbreak, but its not the usual type. There's a mob, but they're not out to eat the living, and they retain their powers of speech.

And worse- this virus does not spread through contact with an infected person. It seems to manifest spontaneously, starting with the afflicted seeming to get stuck on a word or mimicking sounds around them before it starts to take over.

You see, it spreads through something much harder to fight off- the spoken word itself is the carrier, and the virus takes hold through the carrier's comprehension. Certain words are identified as being more likely candidates for carrying the infection, such as terms of endearment or philosophical and religious discussion, but anything could be a trigger- but only in English.

An infected individual is compelled to speak their trigger word, even as they try to stop themselves from it. Switching languages, once infected, will slow but not stop the virus as it copies itself through the host's comprehension. It starts subtle, but then rapidly takes over, scrambling the host's brain and attempting to jump into another host in any way it can.

The concept is so fascinating to me. How do you fight comprehension? How do you stop understanding what you're saying? I mean, I do it all the time, but not on purpose- trying to deliberately NOT understand something is a bit like trying not to think of pink elephants, right? Fighting against your own brain, against your own understanding, is hard enough without a virus upping the difficulty.

So how can you fight back? You kill the word that's killing you. You take the word and you break it, you make it mean something else, you take kill and make it mean kiss. You take the sense and remove it.

There are several chilling moments in this movie, with my favorite one being the scene where they're reading a translated warning over the air that describes how the virus takes hold and ends in "Please avoid the English language. Please do not translate this message." It's just so simple and effective, especially the look of realization on Grant's face as he finishes reading the translation.

Another way Pontypool differs from the usual zombie movie formula is the small cast, as I mentioned before. When we lose a character, it's more personal. Even the loss of Ken, who never appears on screen, is felt as we hear him succumb to the infection. When Laurel-Ann is infected, it's even sadder, watching her go from realizing there's something wrong with her to endlessly slamming herself into the door until she collapses.

Pontypool is not a story about action heroes. It's not about overcoming hordes of undead. It's about hope. The radio station itself is called The Beacon, and it's through this beacon that our protagonists try their best to deliver that hope. The doctor sacrifices himself to keep Grant and Sydney safe, in the hopes that they can survive. Grant sends out the message 'Sydney Briar is Alive' in the hope that the infected will echo it far enough so that her family knows she's safe.

Grant and Sydney spend their last living moments broadcasting what sounds like incomprehensible gibberish in the hope that, even if they don't make it, someone will hear it and be saved. That maybe someone else can find the sense in the senseless.

The credits reveal that, sadly, the infection still spreads, but Grant's name does, too. There's still hope that someone can hear his final message.

Pontypool delivers a new kind of zombie film experience, one I have enjoyed repeatedly and recommend at every opportunity. I give it ten outta ten ghosts- the tension delivers, the concept is unique and creative, and Stephen McHattie's radio voice is superb. I've said it before and I'll say it again, please watch this movie.

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[webbywatcheshorror]

Ink (2009)

Ink is a movie about extraplanar entities, invisible to our plane, who visit us at night and deliver dreams (or nightmares). One night, a young girl's soul is kidnapped, leaving her waking body comatose. Allel, a Dreamgiver, must hunt down the creature who stole her before it's too late.

Ink is another movie that I love dearly! I love the worldbuilding, the characters, the use of music and lighting.

It's not a very well-known movie, which is a shame, because I feel like it could have a fairly strong following if more people got to see it.

So let's talk about it! Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS ahead!

Alright, STRICTLY SPEAKING, Ink is not a horror movie. It's more of a fantasy with some elements of horror and suspense. But this is my review blog and I do what I want.

The movie opens up with a scene of a little girl (Emma) and her father (John) spending time together one morning. She wants to play pretend, but Dad is awkward, like he's not sure how playing pretend works, but he gives in and tries anyway, leaping out of his comfort zone and into her world of pretend beasties and forts they must defend. it's really cute, if a little too brightly lit.

Then we are introduced to a core concept of the movie- the Dreamgivers. As the neighborhood falls asleep, dozens of individuals literally POP into existence and slip into their homes, where they deliver sweet dreams through a gentle touch. It is weirdly shot in some places, though, reminding me of a medication commercial, but I suppose that can be the nature of dreams.

The Dreamgivers just look like regular people, in contrast to their opposites, the Incubi, who are dressed in black shiny trenchcoats and have their faces projected onto a screen like a mask. The Incubi deliver nightmares, as you might expect, though not through touch- they simply sidle up to a sleeper and whisper negativity that influences the dreams.

I like how differently the two factions are portrayed- the Dreamgivers are warm, personal, almost loving in their duties, while the Incubi are cold and impersonal, projecting fears and insecurities on their victims from afar.

In this world, however, there are more than just Dreamgivers and Incubi, and we meet our primary antagonist, Ink, when he POPs into existence and steals Emma, who is living with her grandparents. Except, he has stolen her on This side of reality- the Dreamers' side- leaving her physical body there without a soul.

Our Dreamgiver protag Allel tries to fight Ink off, and is backed up by some of her compatriots, giving us a really cool detail about the Dreamside World. When objects are damaged, such as furniture, it reverses itself back into its normal state moments later. It's a really cool visual and helps to establish the fact that Dreamsiders can't affect the real world.

Ink kicks everyone's ass and manages to escape with Emma's soul by playing a funky lil beat on a hand drum, which opens a gateway they vanish into. That, in itself, is a cool ass concept. Let me just play a little ditty and get gone.

Ink (the character) is a tragic figure. During the course of the movie, we learn his goal is to become an Incubus- detached, unfeeling, perfectly formed. We are told that his entry into the Dreamside was painful, and when we get a face reveal, we see he is covered in scars, with an almost comically enlarged nose (think close to Adam Maitland's character transformation in Beetlejuice for a comparison) and only a few long thin strands of hair on his otherwise bald, scarred head. he intends to deliver Emma's soul in exchange for this new status.

See, the Dreamside is implied to be the Afterlife. There are angelic figures like Liev the Storyteller; demonic figures like the Incubus Prince; drifters, like Ink, who used to be human but never settled into one side or the other; and Pathfinders who can hear the beat of the world and actually influence it.

The Pathfinder we meet is a blind man named Jacob who serves as a guide and comedic relief from some of the dramatic tension, and is also my second favorite character behind Emma. He seems deeply unserious, but he's dedicated to the task at hand- saving Emma's soul before her body expires. He's just gonna give Allel shit about it the whole time. ("What are we supposed to do when we find Emma on the other side?" "SHAKE THE SHIT OUT OF HER.")

His ability to affect the world gives us my absolute favorite sequence in the movie- he opens his little case he's been carrying and through it, emits a soft little gust of wind that sets off a chain reaction eventually culminating in a car wreck that sends Emma's father to the same hospital she's in. (Even if you don't want to watch this entire movie I do highly recommend looking up that scene on Youtube!)

This movie is an artistic one, utilizing light and environmental storytelling to provide a lot of the details- for example, when John is actively being influenced by an Incubus, the world around him dims, then darkens considerably, showing just how alone he feels in his misery and anger. During the first Flashback sequence, he is shown to be (literally) in the spotlight at work, over and over, congratulated for his business sense and smart dealings, while at home the light is dim as his wife pleads for him to stop working such long hours and spending so much time away from the family.

The movie also uses color to signify which layer of reality we're in- the real world is often overly bright, but colorful, where the Dreamside is mostly gray and muted. I like visual cues that communicate to the viewer details like that, helps me keep track of what's going on and where we are.

The Twist of the movie is decently set up and can be figured out if you're paying attention, but don't feel bad if you don't, since there is some timey wimey bullshit going on. Alternate Worlds love having time work differently than the real one, and while it may be a cliche, it's a fun story element that opens up more possibilities.

Ink is John. Or, at least, a version of him that could be, if he keeps on the path he's on right now. Ink is what happens when John ignores his daughter's condition and continues to work and do coke and withdraw from the only family he has left, resulting in Emma's death. Ink is what happens when John gets so low he takes his own life.

The Final Battle is a fantastic scene- on the Dreamside, we have a handful of Dreamgivers fighting to keep the Incubi who are swarming the hospital at bay and away from John so he can make his own choice; on the reality side of things, we have a normal day in a hospital, with John wandering down the halls in search of Emma. There's a sense of urgency and a rapidly approaching time limit on the Dreamside, but in the real world it's peaceful, almost dreamlike.

Ink/John's journey to recovery parallels how hard it is to come back from the darkness in our own world. How the promise of relief from your pain can be so seductive that you'd give up anything, everything, just to be free. How hard it is to let go of your resentment and admit when you're wrong, when you need help. How even a hand extended in friendship can seem like a threat.

This movie ends on a good note, leaving me with a sense of relief and satisfaction. As I said before, it's not so much a true horror movie as it is a fantasy with some horror elements, so that's probably why it has such a happy ending, but I digress.

I give this one ten ghosts outta ten, because I love the story, the worldbuilding, the visual effects, and the characters a hell of a lot. And because Jacob is right, sometimes you really do just gotta shake the shit outta people. (Maybe don't orchestrate a car accident as your first option though.)

[webbywatcheshorror]

Saw (2004)

You (probably) know what Saw is. On the slim chance you're one of today's lucky 10,000 who doesn't, it's a movie about a serial killer who puts his victims in deadly traps in order to teach them a lesson about valuing their lives, asking them what acts of violence or self-harm would they commit to keep themselves or their loved ones alive?

I won't lie to you. Saw is one of my favorite movies of all time, above almost all others. I've mentioned on a few other reviews how much I loved them, how much they influenced me, but this one blows them all away. It came out on video around when I was 15 or 16, and back then I hadn't had a lot of real experience with horror as a genre, but I thought I knew enough about it. And I didn't care much for it. (I used to be a huge wuss. I still am, but I used to be, too.)

Then my dad brought this movie home, and when I finally got around to watching it, I was entirely and irrevocably altered. Suddenly I realized that I knew absolute jack shit about horror. Its potential, the kinds of stories you could tell, the effects it can have on an audience. Without Saw, I would be an entirely different person, and I know how that sounds. I really do. But it's the truth.

Anyway, I said all that to impress upon you how very incredibly biased I am when it comes to this movie, so you can keep it in mind as we dive into more specific things during the review.

Another thing to keep in mind is that I am looking at this as a standalone film, and not the first of a franchise of films. (I might, sometime in the future, review the series as a whole, but not today.)

Review under the cut, and as always beasties and ghouls, SPOILERS ahead! (Yes. There are people who haven't seen this movie. Why they'd be reading this, I have no idea, but that's their business.)

Where do I even begin with Saw. I could talk for hours about it, the characters, the tragedy of it all, the in-universe details and the real life behind the scenes stuff. I am fully enamored with this film.

We'll start with the cinematography, since I'm not very knowledgeable on the topic and I'm less likely to ramble endlessly about it.

The scenes of the other victims in their traps, where it speeds up, really gives them a sense of mania, of panic. It really adds to the terror of the situation and gives these characters we get to see so briefly some needed characterization with the camera work alone. In fact, every time they do the choppy editing, it lends a feeling of tension that permeates the entire movie.

There's a scene, one of many, that has stuck with me these past 19 years, and it's the shot of little Diana Gordon sitting up in bed, half her bedroom shrouded in the darkness. On first watch, it's deeply unsettling, but even after you know who it is, it doesn't get any less fucking terrifying. One of my fears is the dark, not being able to see into a room or the entire room, because of scenes like this.

The characters. Good god, do I love the characters in Saw. They're complicated, flawed, neither good nor evil but a secret third thing: deeply human. (Except John Kramer, but we'll get to that.) They're all just People, trying to make it through the day, however they can. Adam, trying to pay his bills and keep himself fed by spying on people; Lawrence, dealing with the stress of being a doctor and a father who's lost his joie de vivre and decides to cheat on his wife about it; Tapp, wracked with guilt over losing his partner and letting Jigsaw escape, throwing everything he has into stalking the wrong man at the cost of his own health. The more we learn about these characters, the more fascinating they become to me.

Let's talk about John for a moment. More articulate people than I could tell you, in rich detail, about why he's not a savior, but I tend to just boil it down to this: you can't 'fix' people with trauma. I think John is evil, or close to it. Look at the people he chooses to punish- Paul, who cuts himself; Mark, who claims to be sick but is also seen out and about; Amanda, a drug addict. Paul could have depression or some other mental illness. Mark could have an illness that is only debilitating /some/ of the time. Amanda has an addiction problem. You know what would have actually helped them? A fucking support system. Some understanding. Not additional issues, JOHN.

John is, despite his tendency to target those already struggling, still an interesting person, as Zep says. He's also a hypocrite of the highest degree. Shaming Adam for being a voyeur, but drugging himself so he can lay in the middle of the bathroom floor for who even knows how many hours just so he can watch Adam and Lawrence fumble around? Pot meet kettle situation.

(I'm trying to keep this from becoming an entire-ass essay, I really am, but as I mentioned, I could do this all day.)

Adam and Lawrence's transformation throughout the movie is so intriguing to me. Lawrence, the logical Father Knows Best guy, used to always being the one in control of any given situation. Adam, low on the social ladder, prone to emotional outbursts, used to being kicked when he's down. By the end, they've become entirely different men.

Lawrence changes into an unthinking mess, acting on his out of control emotional state to an extreme degree, while Adam becomes a man who not only finally wants to live, but puts in the work to prove it, attacking Zep and killing him, with the kind of determination he hadn't shown until that moment.

The twist is still just so good. It was mind blowing then, and it's a great story beat today, almost 20 years later. When John sits up, Hello Zep playing in the background... it still gives me chills. To think of how Adam must feel, alone in a room with nothing but the dead for company, waiting on the promise of a severely injured man, thinking it's finally over.

Adam's screaming into the darkness breaks me a little, I won't lie. The horror of his situation finally overcomes him and all he can do is scream. That sound is burned into my brain, possibly for life. Then, the credits roll, with the calmness of the credits, Adam's cries still echoing before the quiet music begins to play, and the audience is left stunned. No relief for us, no relief for Adam.

In the years before the sequels, there was so much talk among my friends and I about what could have happened afterwards. Did Lawrence make it out? Did Jigsaw ever get caught? Did Adam die alone in that grimy bathroom? I used to make up possibilities in my head about ways Adam could be saved.

You see, I've always identified with Adam. Struggling to keep going, feeling outcast, chained in a place we didn't want to be, having to rely on others for help getting out, dismissed as juvenile, clinging to people that hate us because it's better than being alone, and wasting our lives because we weren't living them the way others thought we should, regardless of WHY. I had always hoped he made it out. Maybe in some other reality he does.

Anyway enough about that, let's move on. One thing of many I love about this movie is how it makes you think, really think, about what you would do if this happened to you. Would you, could you, crawl through a cage of razor wire to save yourself? Could you kill the family of a co-worker to save your own skin? Could you maim or dismember yourself?

There's an excellent podcast, Jigsquad Pod, that talks about this next point, but I have to mention it also. Jigsaw feels like a boogeyman figure. He sees your every sin. He judges you, then takes you from your place of safety- your house, on the way home from work, and punishes you. It can happen to anyone, anywhere. He can't be caught, can't be killed. He's a phantom. I love that feeling in this movie, the almost campfire story of it all, the way you might tell it to your friends in hushed voices at a sleepover.

I give Saw X ghosts outta ten. It may not be the movie James Wan and Leigh Whannell set out to make, it may have been rushed and stitched together out of all the footage they had and then some, but it's a masterpiece in my heart. It changed me, in hundred of ways I can't begin to understand, but I'm glad it did. (Not all of those ways are for the better, probably. I mean, I did spend several hours once, thinking up- in detail- what my personal Saw trap would be.)

As much as I love the entire franchise overall, cop-centric soap opera that it is, if it had stopped at just this one, I'd still be satisfied. I hope it never gets a remake, because there's no way it could ever be made more perfectly than it already is, flaws and all.

[webbywatcheshorror]

We Need to Do Something (2021)

We Need to Do Something is a movie about a family trapped in their bathroom during a violent and possible unnatural storm. The premise really set my expectations high, but left me pretty disappointed, to be quite honest.

Don't let the little blurb at the bottom of the above poster fool you- if you're expecting anything like the Saw franchise, you're going to be let down. (That said, Jigsaw would definitely put the dad character in a trap and I'd pay to see it.)

Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS ahead!

It starts off with some promise. A storm is coming, gather your family into the safest room in the house until it's passed. I've done it plenty of times in my life and I daresay I'll do it again- so I have what you might call some experience. Which, clearly, this family lacks, as they bring absolutely NOTHING by way of supplies. Not snacks, not blankets and pillows, not spare chargers, NOTHING. Aside from Dad's thermos with what appears to be an alcoholic beverage of some sort and a few board/card games.

The bathroom itself is nice and big, which makes me wonder about the rest of the house, but we never actually get to see it. With the exception of a few flashback scenes, the entire movie takes place in the bathroom. (I'm officially calling it- Bathroom Horror is now its own sub-genre. I'm going to make a list.)

My one complaint about the bathroom is but a simple one- why in the name of CAD does the only door open OUTWARDS? Go ahead, look at all the bathroom doors in your house for me. Hell, ANY of the doors in your house. They all open inward, do they not? This simple issue is what causes the rest of the movie to unfold the way it does, so it's not like it was an oversight or anything. It's just baffling to me.

Now onto the characters. I couldn't really feel much attachment to any of them, but I did feel sorry for the kids. Dad's an alcoholic asshole, Mom's a passive aggressive adulterer, and they spend most of the movie bitching at each other at the slightest provocation. The kids are better, they're just fairly typical kids. Sister's a teenager who snarks at her kid Brother (age not stated that I recall, but he's younger than 11 I'd say? I genuinely cannot estimate people's ages.) who pokes fun right back at her. Fairly decently written siblings.

I spent most of the movie waiting for things to get weird, to get creepy, but almost the entire time is spent watching them slowly just unravel- which could have been fine and dandy except I was promised something MORE. And it would have been fine if we were given any indication of how much time has passed, because otherwise they start losing their shit about ten minutes into the storm.

The storm brings down a tree directly through the roof of whatever room the bathroom is attached to and blocks the door, which, again, opens outward for some reason. The 'windows' are far too small to be of any use, and Dad claims the walls are *checks notes* SIX FEET THICK. Now, I never actually used my drafting training to actually make anything, but I'm pretty damn sure nobody builds houses with walls that are six feet thick.

There are so many hilarious moments, but I get the sense that they weren't intended to be funny. But how else am I meant to respond to things like the World's Most Aggressive Rattlesnake and the demon not!dog? Or when, in some kind of fit of madness, Dad starts whipping Mom with the dead rattlesnake after having bitten its head off? ('Like Ozzy,' he says, because 'snakes are just bats that can't fly!')

Most of the dialogue is weirdly phrased or just unrealistic in general, as well as their decision-making. Not once do they search for anything to try to unscrew the door hinges. Towards the final scenes, Mom is able to bust through a part of the wall that leads... Elsewhere? But they didn't bother with doing that anytime beforehand, only after two of them are dead and demons kill the only other people they hear from.

But by far the most unrealistic part is when, in complete seriousness, Daughter confesses that she and her goth gf might have summoned the demon storm with a spell they found on the internet and then didn't even do right. And her parents BELIEVE HER lmao. Like, right away, even. No 'oh sweetie that's ridiculous' or anything.

Some parts felt too rushed through, and some felt too drawn out, and some I wished were handled differently. There was a lot that could have been done with this story, and it really did have some good beats, but overall it felt awkward and kind of boring. And the worst part is the ending- it finally got interesting! Mom comes back from checking what was going on outside (absolutely COVERED in blood by the by) and outright refuses to say what she saw, then there's Sounds coming from the hole she crawled through, they scream, and it ends. We never even got to see the Demon whose tongue they (for some reason???) decided to eat.

I really did want to like the movie, I did, but you can't promise me a supernatural storm and then make me sit through a whole lot of pointless, baffling family drama when there's demons and shit out there. I give this one four outta ten ghosts. It just didn't work for me, but it had me laughing whether or not it meant to. Both times I watched it, I could not help but laugh when the kids are excitedly letting the 'dog' that's just out of their view lick their hands and asking 'oh who's a good boy?' only to be horrified when it answers, gleefully, 'I'm a good boy!' as it licks them.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Shelter/6 Souls (2010)

Shelter, also called 6 Souls for its US release, is a story about a forensic psychiatrist who takes on a new client, intending to prove his disassociative identity disorder is fake, and gets in way over her head.

That synopsis by itself does nothing to really prepare you for what actually goes on, but does the job of letting you know that the main character, played by the captivating Julianne Moore, is not the kind of psychiatrist you’d like to have. 

Before we get started I’d like to note that I do not have a thorough understanding of DiD and therefore am not equipped to touch on what are probably very glaring inaccuracies. Horror is, sadly, rife with the misinterpretation of mental illnesses in the interest of using them to frighten audiences.

With that in mind, let’s begin. Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS ahead!

Ever watched a movie that starts out intriguing, adds elements that really add to the suspense and mystery, only to not only fumble the ball but start running with it back in the other direction? That’s what this movie did for me.

The main character is Dr. Cara Harding (not to be confused with another Julianne Moore role, Dr. Sarah Harding), a forensic psychiatrist with a strong belief in God and a strong disbelief in certain mental diagnoses. Her father and young daughter, who I believe is 8, have lost their faith due to the fact that Cara’s husband was murdered. This is an important plot point.

Cara’s father, played by Jeffrey DeMunn, convinces her to see a new patient who, as he puts it, has quite the act, and he thinks she will find him very interesting. This is where it started to get interesting for me- she meets David, who is paralyzed from the waist down. He’s a polite young man with a Southern drawl, who answers her questions dutifully. Nothing unusual about him, until her father calls him from the office phone and asks for Adam to be put on the phone.

This causes him to shift into his Adam persona, who is a far cry from the soft spoken David in many ways- including physically, as Adam is colorblind where David was not. Oh, and Adam isn’t paralyzed, either.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers plays the different personalities incredibly well. Posture, body language, all of it- each one is distinct from the others. And there are others. Despite the narrative presenting it as DiD for a lot of the runtime, what Adam actually has going is a lot more supernatural in nature- the ‘other personalities’ are actual people who’ve died.

When Dr. Cara discovers that David was a real person, she does something I consider to be awfully cruel. She finds David’s mother, (played by the delightful Frances Conroy) a deeply religious woman, and arranges for her to meet with Adam with the intention of having her meet David. Now I’m no fancy doctor, haven’t studied psychology or anything, but it strikes me as a very poor idea to bring a woman in to meet a man who, from your perspective, has created a ‘fake persona’ where he ‘pretends’ to be her dead son. It goes about as well as you’d expect, even though David is able to tell his mom things only the two of them ever knew about.

Cara of course had not considered the consequences of her actions, because she is so focused on proving that DiD is a ‘medical fad’ and isn’t real, that things like ‘basic human decency’ and ‘what a doctor is actually supposed to do’ are cast aside. Her dad calls her out on this later, which pleased me, since she should be ashamed of herself. If I had a doctor do anything like that to me there’d be PROBLEMS.

She also takes David to the scene of his murder which results in him having flashbacks and freaking right the hell out so badly that he retreats back into himself and we get to meet an entirely new guy named Wes who is not at all pleased to be out in the woods with someone he doesn’t know. Girl maybe smother your ego a bit. Even IF David had been a personality created by Adam, bringing him to the place where the real David was murdered just seems like a dick thing to do.

Before things really ramp up, there’s a scene I really liked where Cara’s brother is combing through a video of Adam sleeping on the night another character dies (and has ended up as another one of Adam’s ‘personalities’), and is doing some Nonspecific Computer Voodoo when he makes a connection and discovers that the spooky shadowy shape in the video is in the shape of a wavelength. Which can then be played. A ghost/spirit/whatever taking the form of a sound wave is pretty fucking genius, actually, and I’m hoping the concept pops up in more stuff in the future.

Cara investigates more and finally ends up in a small village in the mountains where she finds out what the actual fuck is going on with her patient and it turns out to have been Hillbilly Hoodoo (we got a two for one special in this one, traditional and technological wizard solidarity I guess). See a long long time ago, this faith healer reverend guy tried to convince everyone that only God could keep them safe from the influenza epidemic, and he used his kids as proof, but they’d been vaccinated. When the Hillbillies found out, they kill his kids???? And then suck out his soul, which is a thing they can do, and mark his body as ‘a shelter for the faithless’.

Which causes the Reverend to become functionally immortal as it’s his body, and not Adam’s, that stores the other souls. Adam, also, is hella dead. So he’s been going around collecting the souls of people who don’t believe in God by first cursing them to have nasty boils and burns on their flesh and puking up dirt, and then just sucking that thang right outta their mouth.

And this is where it started to fall off for me. I’m not a fan of most religious angles, real or fictional, because they’re rarely written in a way that doesn’t make me wanna roll my eyes so hard they pop out my mouth, Barbara Maitland style. See, the mountainfolk confuse me- on the one hand, they punish the Reverend (and his innocent children??????) because he went against God and turned to Science for protection; they also are doing Hillbilly Hoodoo and instead allowed him to just run amok, killing as he pleased, which is fine apparently because they’re safely sheltered together in the same vessel. Like are they supposed to be doing the Lord’s work or not?

It seems to me that if you were really wanting to serve God you wouldn’t be damning people for not believing, I’m pretty sure there’s like a whole thing were their sins can be forgiven? Has to do with God’s only son? I guess technically they aren’t fully denied the opportunity to repent or whatever, since their souls are intact, but they don’t even know they’re in a new body, much less that they’re DEAD AS HELL, so I kind of doubt that’s ever gonna happen. 

But the worst part of it was when Cara’s daughter, age 8, is marked for collection, and the Hillbilly Matriarch (the Granny) tells her there’s nothing she can do BECAUSE THE CHILD LOST HER FAITH. THE CHILD. MUST DIE. BECAUSE SHE LOST HER FAITH. A child, who is barely able to comprehend what faith even actually means, is doomed to die and have her soul removed because she isn’t fully convinced that there’s a specific deity. It’s ok, says the Granny, she’ll be safe in the shelter vessel with all the other faithless souls. Cara’s safe, despite being kind of a bitch who’s definitely been responsible for the death of at least one person.

I’ll be honest, this made me so mad. The stakes are at their highest, we’re reaching climactic territory, I’m pretty invested, and then WHAM. Now I’m just annoyed and waiting for whatever bullshit ending they’ve got for me. Cara kills the cursed reverend after he absorbs her daughter’s soul (while her child is the one in control!!!!!! why not call out literally any other personality? You already know how to do it!) and the kid’s soul goes back into her body and it’s implied at least one, if not the rest, follow her there. And that’s the end.

So raising her daughter is going to be a fucking nightmare. Not only do we have Adam, David, and Wes, but we also have: an old family friend AND HER FUCKING GRANDPA, both of whom died during the events of the movie. And can be called out at any time, and presumably can just call themselves out, if the scene were Cara meets Wes is any indication. So not only did I find myself suddenly disliking this movie and whatever message it’s trying to send right when things are getting intense, but now the ending isn’t even satisfying to me.

The events of the ending are fine, decent even! In fact, if not for that bullshit reasoning, I’d probably even have liked it! Like, they could have just said that once the sheltering had begun there’s no way to stop it because it was an unstoppable process instead of ‘oops the little girl doesn’t believe in God enough. We’re done here. Die.’. I’d have been intrigued by the idea of how the kid was now the new Shelter and whether or not this meant she’d be compelled to seek out the faithless or if she’d be more of a passive collector and only take them when they died on their own. I’d have loved to know more about how the aftermath turned out with her carrying the other souls, and having to live with the trauma of knowing your mother choked you to death at one point.

But no, I’m just disappointed and feel like my time was wasted. Five ghosts outta ten for having a lot of interesting concepts and decent pacing, not to mention powerful performances, but then also having an innocent child get punished by death for not believing in a God that let her dad get murdered. Honestly I’m mad about it all over again.

[webbywatcheshorror]

My List (updated as I go)

1. Next of Kin

2. Huesera: the Bone Woman

3. Werewolves Within

4. Sinister

5. The Outwaters

6. Scream 3

7. Scream 4

8. My Bloody Valentine (2009)

9. Ghost Stories

10. Dolls (1987)

11. Spring

12. Last Shift

13. Paranormal Activity

14. The Final

15. Suspiria

16. Cocaine Bear

17. Anything For Jackson

18. The Changeling (1980)

19. Tales of Halloween

20. Freaky

21. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

22. The Gate

23. 1408

24. Butterfly Kisses

25. A Dark Song

26. Sea Fever

27. Dagon

28. Clive Barker’s Book of Blood

29. Paranormal Activity 2

30. The Blackwell Ghost

31. The Craft

32. Antrum: The Deadliest Film Ever Made

33. Southbound

34. Something Walks in the Woods

35. Jug Face

36. The Houses October Built

37. Boar

38. Children of the Corn (1984)

39. Isolation

40. Subject (2022)

41. Scream 5

42. Honeydew

43. We Have Always Lived in the Castle

44. The Dead Next Door

45. Room For Rent

46. Detention

47. Nightbreed (Director’s Cut)

48. Dog Soldiers

49. The House That Jack Built

50. Spiral

51. Relic

52. Frankenhooker

53. Mother of Monsters

54. Let the Right One In

55. Ghastly Brothers

56. Mama

57. The Wailing

58. Mandy

59. The Hallow

60. Annihilation

61. Elevator Game

62. Housebound

63. Ready or Not

64. Spree

65. Starry Eyes

66. No One Will Save You

67. Evil Dead 2013

68. Psych:9

69. The House (2022)

70. Saw X

71. Gehenna: Where Death Lives

72. The Unholy

73. Spirit Halloween: The Movie

74. Scream 6

75. Excision

76. The Invisible Man (1933)

77. Totally Killer

78. V/H/S/85

79. The Boogeyman

80. The Haunted Mansion

81. They Look Like People

82. Puppet Master

83. Mega Scorpions

84. Slumber Party Massacre

85. Slumber Party Massacre 2

86. Friday the 13th (1980)

87. We Go On

88. After Life

89. From Beyond

90. Drag Me To Hell

91. Final Destination 2

92. Scary Tales: Dead Zone

93. The Puppetman

94. Lockdown Tower

95. Cobweb

96. Eraserhead

97. The Void

98. Shaky Shivers

99. Night of the Hunted

100. In the Mouth of Madness

The annual 100 Horror Movies in 92 Days challenge started yesterday but I had plans- which means my challenge starts today!

I won’t be doing any live reactions for the foreseeable future, neither here or on Twitter, but you can follow along with my progress on this post or my Letterboxd list (right here)

If you’re taking part in the challenge, let me know! We can recommend movies to one another and compare lists. :3

[webbywatcheshorror]

The annual 100 Horror Movies in 92 Days challenge started yesterday but I had plans- which means my challenge starts today!

I won’t be doing any live reactions for the foreseeable future, neither here or on Twitter, but you can follow along with my progress on this post or my Letterboxd list (right here)

If you’re taking part in the challenge, let me know! We can recommend movies to one another and compare lists. :3

[webbywatcheshorror]

Mad God (2021)

Mad God. How can you even summarize this movie? It’s an 82 minute long stop motion animation film that takes you on one hell of a journey down, down, down, until there is nowhere left to go. And you can’t go back. This movie is an experience, and unless your friends are awesome, probably not one you just pop on for a relaxing Friday evening.

I took two entire pages of notes for this review, front and back on each. (For comparison, usually I get one front and half a back.) There is so much to unpack and talk about, but I don’t really intend to bog this review down with too much detail, so I’ll try to keep it as brief as I can.

Review under the cut, beasties and ghouls, and as always, SPOILERS ahead!

Mad God is incredibly surreal. It’s like talking a stroll through the uncanny valley- most things are identifiable or comparable enough to familiar things, but taken one step to the left, metaphorically speaking. Things look like you should know what they are, or what they’re doing, but there’s an element of Wrongness to them that keeps you just a little weirded out, sometimes a little (or more) disgusted.

The movie starts with the destruction of the Tower of Babel, and a scroll with the Bible verses of Leviticus 26:27-35, which talk about the retribution mankind can expect should they turn from God. After that, we start our descent, along with a figure I shall be referring to as the Little Assassin, or LA for short. (Originally I had taken to calling them the Little Explorer, but their role is a bit more proactive than that. Another note- they’re not actually little per se, but compared to many of the environments they traverse and creatures they encounter, they look small. When we see where they began, however, they’re quite large compared to the only other living being we see.)

LA’s gender is neither relevant nor identifiable. They descend through layer after layer of bizarre dreamlike worlds, if your dreams are sticky looking and warped. The music is melancholy, despondent, even. This is a one way trip for both us and the Little Assassin. This movie is not one you forget, whether you like it or not.

Death is prominent is every layer, every new place we journey through, as pointless as it is ceaseless. Small creatures are trampled underfoot, hungry creatures devour others, several monsters are seen killing, apparently, just for the hell of it. In one layer, there is an assembly line of featureless workers, endlessly toiling to create something they will never understand. Many of them just straight up die, crushed and run over and burned, with the world around them taking no notice whatsoever. It feels hopeless. 

When LA arrives at their destination, they find an enormous pile of briefcases like the one they carry. LA is not the first sent down. There have been countless others before them. Like the others, LA is unsuccessful in their mission- the bomb they brought never detonates, the the Little Assassin is snatched up by yet another incomprehensible creature.

LA’s fate is just as miserable as their journey has been. Violated, ripped apart, even their memories are displayed for the ‘medical staff (played by real people)’ to see, all while still alive and conscious. The cross section of the facility shows that they are far from the first to be treated this way- it’s possible that every other Assassin sent down has met the same end. 

There is a brief moment, in which a screaming ‘baby’ is taken from their body, that feels like hope. That there is life that came from this gruesome brutality. But like all the other creatures and beings we see before it, the worm shaped infant creature is killed to create something else new. (In this case, it appears to be an entirely new universe??? Or the Alchemist is just hallucinating very vividly.)

The flashback sequence shows us that, far above, a man with the longest acrylics and a yarmulke has seen the vile world(s?) beneath, and he intends to destroy it. This man is also an actual actor, not animated, which feels so off-putting, but it works. It is implied that this is the titular Mad God, though which definition of ‘mad’ we’re using isn’t clear, and really it could be either, or both. He begins to send down Assassins. When we return to the present, and just before the credits roll, he sends down the next one. It all begins anew.

The overall feeling I get from Mad God is that the cycle of life and death is neverending, and you may never see the end result of all your struggles. Death happens, and the world keeps going. You work and work, all for a goal which you do not see and will never know. Even that which you are called to do can be as futile as everything else. The cycle is endless, cruel and indiscriminate. It’s bleak, honestly.

Mad God is a fever dream. It’s a nightmare you’re having while awake. It’s chaos. It’s disturbing. It’s haunting. It’s fucking AMAZING, whether or not you enjoy the movie. However, this is not a movie for everyone. There is violence, endless death, a non-zero amount of sexual content, not to mention how fucking disgusting so much of it looks. But it’s unlike anything else I’ve ever watched. Somehow, Phil Tippett took a dream sequence and made it visible. On the surface, all these different layers and events seem disconnected, but the way they flow into each other just feels natural.

This one gets ten ghosts outta ten. I’ve only seen it twice, but it has left such a mark on me. I don’t know if I could ever translate that into something I could share, but there’s something different about the person I became after experiencing Mad God. The set design, the environments, the fucking SOUND design, they are all incredible to behold. I doubt there will be another like this one anytime soon, and maybe that’s for the best.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Hell House LLC. (2015)

Hell House LLC. is a mockumentary style movie centered around a haunted house attraction, and the mystery surrounding the tragedy that occurred on its opening night. 

Hell House LLC. is tense and atmospheric, despite being fairly frequently interrupted by sequences of interviews and the mockumentary’s narrator providing commentary. 

This one has a lot of tropes and concepts I like, and a couple that I don’t, so let’s talk about them! Review under the cut, and as always, beasties and ghouls, SPOILERS ahead!

To start off with, I love a mockumentary type movie, especially when well-made, and this one IS well-made. The news segments look great, and the talking heads portions do a great job of making me curious about what REALLY happened on the night Hell House opened its door to the public. I’d probably even have watched this if it had been a real documentary, and that’s saying something, as I much prefer fictional horror to real life horror. 

The small town setting of the movie, a place called Abaddon, feels so familiar. I lived in a similar town for many years, and can say with utmost certainty that Hell House would have been PACKED on opening night. That part is 100% legit. There is never anything to do in a small town like that except hang out in Walmart parking lots (because you’re not allowed to hang out in gas station parking lots anymore), so when the fair rolls around or there’s a parade (or a haunted house), people jump at the chance to finally shake off the monotony, even if only for a couple hours.

Now, I’m a simple ghoul. I love a good cast of characters that get absolutely wrecked, I’m a sucker for an ‘Oh Shit It’s Real’ story beat, and a Halloween Event Goes Wrong? Forget about it, I’m THERE. Are these tropes overused? Who cares! They’re fun, and I enjoy them, and that’s all I care about.

The characters are, for the most part, just fairly decent people, aside from Paul, who I hated so, so much. He’s a fucking creep and a sex pest, and an unapologetic one at that. His friends know about it too, calling him out a few times to which he responds with pride. He’s also the main cameraman for the main story, so we get to spend just. SO much time with him. Hooray.

However this means we also get to see him be the first target of the evil that inhabits the abandoned hotel they’re fixing up, which is satisfying. His descent into indignant terror is fun to watch. He goes from this cocky asshole making fun of his friends, to cowering beneath a blanket from a dead woman. He seems to be the only one targeted, over and over, until he disappears, and then after that is pretty much when shit pops OFF.

There are some really good scares, mostly focused on one of the clown mannequins, but there’s also a good one during the test run scene, which I would have enjoyed more but the intensity of the strobing effect was dialed way too high. I also feel that it would have been scarier if they hadn’t shown the freeze-frame of the demon like, right after.

Other things about this movie I enjoyed are: the concept of Lucifer with a New York accent; a man possessed by the ghost of capitalism and then by an actual ghost; the piano tune that Paul plays; the foreshadowing from Sara in the beginning; and how we never get a clear look at what happened to most people involved in the tragedy. 

Now for the stuff I was less enthused about, which isn’t a whole lot. I’m not impressed when media uses pentacles and upside down crosses to imply Satanism/evil, it just feels, I don’t know. Uninspired? I also felt that some of the characters’ decisions were flat out stupid- primary example being the fact that they used actual, locked shackles for their basement actress, and put the only set of keys in someone else’s hands. There’s no universe in which this is a good idea.

I give this one eight ghosts outta ten, for really good scares and intense atmosphere and a nicely wrapped up ending. It did contain a few tropes that bug me, not to mention how long I had to endure Paul, but overall it’s a fun movie that I could see myself enjoying now and again.

[webbywatcheshorror]

The Bye Bye Man (2017)

The Bye Bye Man. This movie has been meme’d to death, and I’m sure, if you’re reading this, you’ve at least heard of it. I first watched it for my 100 Horror Movies in 92 Days challenge in 2022, expecting it to be the kind that doesn’t take itself seriously. But it does.

The Bye Bye Man tells the story of three college students that move into a fixer-upper of a house and unleash an unstoppable force of evil that comes for you once you know his name. Now on paper, that sounds like a solid premise. In practice.... well, we’ll get to that.

Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS AHEAD!

The Bye Bye Man is a tragedy. It contains so many good bits and pieces, but they aren’t quite assembled right- like a puzzle missing some pieces, and somebody painted over some of the others.

It has a decently strong opening- Leigh Whannell murders his way through a quiet suburban neighborhood, gunning down friends and neighbors while shouting about a name that shouldn’t be said, and sometimes muttering the tagline- don’t think it, don’t say it. Nice and intriguing, good First Kill.

Even going into the next sequence isn’t bad- meeting our core protagonists, setting up the scenery, establishing backstories, etc. A bit slow, but it works fine. The slow ramp-up of the upcoming horrors is pretty decent, too- the scene with the kid opening one door while the Hound creeps silently out of the one behind her was nice and eerie! Not to mention one of my favorite tropes in horror movies- Spot the Thing. I managed to find him in mirrors and shadows at least four times before his big reveal, but there’s likely even more I didn’t catch.

The concept itself is promising! An entity that stalks you but only after you know it exists, and the more you think about it, the closer you are to death! That fucking RULES! I’d be so fucking dead! Trying not to think about something, especially when that thing is toying with your mind constantly? An impossible task for me, and a story genre I will always love.

The breaking of the protagonists is also fairly decent. Elliot, the main protag, is adorably in love with his girlfriend, and is so close to the other character John, they consider each other brothers; by the end, they’ve turned on one another, driven mad by hallucinations and suspicion. Heartbreaking stuff, honestly.

There’s a post that’s been going around on Tumblr lately about phones and horror movies, and how instead of simply not working, they could be utilized to invoke more horror as working devices. The Bye Bye Man actually has a good example of this! There’s a scene where one of our protags, trying to ease his mind, is looking through pictures on his phone, when he is treated a series of pictures of the titular entity, who taunts him.

So if it has all these elements, why does it not deliver?

Firstly, the name. Now, I know the original tale (both folk tale and published book edition) also has him named the Bye Bye Man, but reading it and hearing it just have very different vibes. Reading a story about a malevolent spirit with a goofy name? Sure, I can let my imagination run with that. Hearing people say it out loud with their mouth? It just doesn’t land for me, no matter how hard I tried.

It’s possible that it COULD have landed, with some tweaks to the movie: more instances of characters unintentionally saying it, or hearing it as an auditory hallucination; even the way it’s said might have heightened its fear factor. Here, try this- say The Bye Bye Man as though you are reading the title of the movie out loud. Now, say it slow, hesitant, breath shaky and as though you’re forcing yourself to stop saying it. There’s a noticeable difference, yeah? Well, mostly, we only get the first example. Even just a slight pause between each word gives it a different feel, or at least it does to me.

There’s few tropes in movies that annoy the piss out of me more than miscommunication/straight up lack of communication that drives the plot/drama. I know our protags are college kids, and as such are prone to reactions rather than sense, but it’s incredibly irritating to me. Had they stopped to think for like, ten seconds, they might have even survived.

The fact that they’re still kids might explain why they kept making the same mistakes over and over- constantly forgetting they can’t trust what they hear or see, automatically assuming the worst of people they’re supposed to love and trust, continuing to say the name OUT LOUD even after they know it’s dangerous. Ok so most of these sins are committed by the main character, but they’re all guilty of them at some point or another.

It’s possible, too, that much of their nonsensical behavior can be chalked up to supernatural influence. And it’s also possible that I’m far more paranoid than your average person. But talking and acting INCREDIBLY SUSPICIOUSLY in front of cops at a crime scene wherein you are a prime suspect? And then, when confronted by Carrie-Anne Moss’s character, Elliot continues to be suspicious as all hell. Don’t imply you have something dangerous to hide in front of a cop! Why would you do that!?

I also feel like they could have established a few more details that would have given more impact to the eventual character breakdowns. Elliot’s jealousy fueled hallucinations could have been even better, had he stated outright earlier that he trusted his best friend and girlfriend, instead of unconvincingly denying being jealous when his older brother points out the other two dancing during the party scene. Subsequently, his struggle to maintain that implicit trust would have been more impressive, as he is bombarded with hallucinations that imply they’re having an affair, including a full on vision of them having sex in front of him.

That being said, I do like that they set up Elliot’s fatal flaw early on- his cocky overconfidence. During the séance scene, he keeps smugly dismissing any mention of the supernatural as being illogical and beneath his consideration. When he later realizes how to keep the Bye Bye Man at bay, he lets this small victory feed into his ego and he seems to think he’s no longer in danger; he is quickly relieved of this notion.

His solution, when you really break it down, would never have worked long-term, at least not for him. Simply do not fear the entity! He thrives off of fear, much like Pennywise. With a name that silly, this should be easy, to be honest. (In my initial livetweet thread, I toyed with the idea of calling him The Baby Man.) However, unlike the dancing clown, denying him the fear that powers him only makes him get more creative. Upon returning home, Elliot immediately falls for another one of Bye Bye’s tricks. Shouldn’t have challenged him. You fool.

The Man himself is a decent looking monster, played by the wonderful, incredible Doug Jones; but despite the sounds and signs that precede his arrival, we never learn anything about him. Why the coins? Why the train sounds? What’s up with the Hound? Was he once a living person? The original tale has a few answers, but they are nowhere to be found in the film, which is a shame, because it could definitely have benefitted from the knowledge that Bye Bye created his canine companion out of the body parts of his initial victims, and it’s true name is the Gloomslinger. That’s fucking rad!

This movie feels like it drew inspiration from Candyman and Final Destination, in that there is power in a name, and once you’ve drawn its attention, there’s no way to escape it. The world itself will twist until you’ve fallen victim, no matter how clever you think you are. It also reminds me of an OLD, OOOOOOOOLD creepypasta that featured something similar- some sort of entity that hunts you down once you’re made aware it exists. I can’t remember much about it, other than the final line was something like “I’m so sorry. Now that you know it exists, it’s coming for you.” (If anyone knows what I’m talking about, please let me know, but be aware that I read it well over 10 years ago and cannot remember anything else about it.)

Lastly, I want to mention that I enjoyed the way it ended. Our protags are dead, as well as everyone they told his name to. With no way to spread his evil, Bye Bye should be defeated- then we’re treated to Elliot’s young niece saying she found the nightstand with the name carved into it. The wheel keeps on turning, and what a shame- but no, she couldn’t read it in the dark. THEN, we find out that John, the best friend, has survived the house exploding (how tho), and the movie ends as he whispers the name to Carrie-Anne Moss, thus ensuring the cycle continues. 

I give this one five ghosts outta ten. The framework for a great movie is there, but ultimately, it failed to achieve what it set out to do. I do believe, however, that had this movie come out in the 80s, it would now be a cult classic, and considered genuinely terrifying. Then again, if it had, we’d have been denied another instance of Leigh Whannell’s character dying horrifically, and that’d be a shame.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Cube (1997)

Another old fave, Cube is a movie about a group of people who wake up in a strange facility full of traps. No, not Saw 2, I said Cube. This one predates Saw, actually, which makes me wonder if it played any part in the inspiration for my other favorite trapped room related movie. If I somehow ever meet James Wan or Leigh Whannell then I’ll ask. Right after I pick my jaw off the floor.

Anywho, beasties and ghouls, let’s get to it- Review (and SPOILERS) under the cut!

I have no idea how old I was when I first saw this one, but I’m reasonably sure it was sometime in my last year as a teen or in my early twenties, so right around the time I was finally able to start dipping my toes into the world of horror. I have no doubt that if I’d seen this any younger it would have been on that list of movies that altered my brain chemistry.

This one’s a lot more psychological than Saw, in my opinion, as it’s less about seeing people mutilate themselves and more about seeing people break down to their most fundamental selves in the face of terror and paranoia. It’s the kind that sticks with me for a long time afterwards, making me wonder at who I’d become if I were stuck in The Cube.

The First Kill, played by the delightful Julian Richings, in this one is super effective at showing us what the cast will be dealing with, and as others before me have noticed, there are similar scenes in later movies (the first Resident Evil, for example) that seem to be inspired by it. If the strangeness of the opening room hadn’t already hooked me, this kill would have. Dude fell apart so fast. (ha ha because he got chopped into pieces by some kind of insanely sharp wires ha ha I’m funny)

The setting is simple: you’ve got a group of strangers in a square shaped room with six doors, one on each side, and each door leads to another room that only differs in color. And if you go in the wrong one, you die. How can you tell which one’s the wrong one? Well, probably because you’re about to die, because there’s no obvious tell.

Our cast starts out with five people- Quenten, a cop who skeeves me out in like the first few minutes of his introduction; Holloway, a doctor who is also a conspiracy nut; Leaven, a college? girl who understands numbers in a way I could never dream of; Worth, a self-described ‘just some guy’; and Rennes, a French escape artist who is taken from us far too soon. Later we get Kazan, a man with an unspecified mental illness that makes him difficult to communicate with and prone to unpredictable behavior, but has the superhuman abilities that media loves to give mentally disabled people, in the form of being even better at numbers than Leaven. (Astronomical!)

Rennes is my favorite but he has the least amount of screentime, since he gets to be The Example. He’s escaped multiple prisons, and knows what to look for. He gives the crew hope that they can beat this thing, and figure a way out, tells them to stop overthinking it and just keep moving, makes a joke about being ‘Harry fuckin’ Houdini’, then he fucking DIES. Acid to the face by a sensor he couldn’t detect. Oops! Morale obliterated.

Leaven is my next favorite, because I love when girl geniuses. She starts out delighting in the attention she gets from Quenten for figuring out a way to find out which rooms are trapped, based on numbers assigned to each room; she is, however, still a kid, so I can’t really fault her for trusting him to start with. I don’t understand math well enough to know if her reasoning is sound, but honestly, I don’t care if it is. She deserved to make it out.

Holloway is an older woman, age not provided, but she’s equal parts likeable and irritating to me personally. She’s a doctor at a free clinic and the first and only one to treat Kazan with any decency. She’s also a mega conspiracy theorist and enjoys blaming Big Government for running and ruining the world. She holds the group together for quite a while, maybe because she’s not afraid to call Quenten and Worth out on their bullshit. I respect that.

Kazan is, if you don’t consider the sequel movies, the saddest character. Why in the hell would you put someone like him in a death maze. What kind of evil do you have to possess to think ‘yeah I’ll put a mentally handicapped person in a confusing trap filled prison with strangers, at least one of which is violent when pressured’. What the fuck. This is a movie from the 90s so I’m not gonna say it’s like, good rep or anything; what is accurate is how he gets treated by everyone but Holloway. He’s an obstacle, he’s a liability, he’s not even considered a person. I’m so glad they didn’t kill him. (If you do consider the sequels, however, the way you view his character is completely different, since it’s implied that his brain has been surgically altered to make him this way. it’s a whole thing.)

Worth is also one of my favorites, but doesn’t start out that way. He’s unhelpful, snarky, and seems about ready to just give up at any given moment. When he confesses that he had a hand in making this Minecraftian nightmare, it’s understandable why. Trapped in the very thing you helped create, even if you didn’t realize what it is you were actually making. Makes a good punching bag, apparently. When push comes to shove, though, he steps up and that’s when he becomes the version of himself I like. And then of course he dies, because every character I like dies.

Which just leaves Quenten. He’s... a cop. He starts out obnoxious and overly aggressive, but that could be attributed to waking up in a weird dangerous place with unknown people; when Leaven’s number system fails and he gets hurt, his attitude changes real fast, and he’s outright hostile to everyone from that point on rather than just pushy and bossy. He treats everyone like shit unless he deems them useful, and at his core is violent and controlling. He kills Holloway for daring to accuse him of hitting his kids (guess she hit a nerve), then kills Leaven and Worth just as they reached the exit. There was no reason for this other than the fact that he clearly lost it. Also, attempted to seduce Leaven, an established minor. Absolute garbage person. (I’m not really qualified to dissect it, but it rubs me the wrong way that the one black character is an aggressive, violent psycho...)

Cube touches on one of my fears: the unpredictability of other people. There is no provable way to tell what someone really feels or what they’ll do. Everyone is different, and what indicates something like, say, rising anger in one person, could only be a sign of mild irritation in another. Being in a situation where your survival is reliant on strangers, especially when the environment is designed to stress you out and break you down, is absolutely terrifying to me.

Something I really like about Cube (again, only if you don’t consider the sequels) is that it doesn’t explain SHIT. Why was this place built? Why were these people chosen? What was the point of any of it? Cube says it’s not important. In a way this movie feels a bit like watching an ant farm, observing the way people change when they’re pushed to their mental limits. Why they’re there in the first place isn’t the point.

The end is both triumphant and depressing- While our last living protags are (for some reason???) staring out the door to their freedom, which is only available for a short time, Quenten catches back up to them and murders two of them, with only Kazan escaping. The cop at least gets what he deserves- the red smear on the inside of the Cube’s shell is a nice touch. As is his leg just sticking into frame as the camera shows Worth and Leaven, being shuttled back down into the maze.

There’s two moments that are similar to one another that I enjoy- when they realize they’re back in the room where Rennes died, and it breaks them. Worth is hysterically giggling, Leaven is in despair, and Quenten slips further into his breakdown. The second is when Leaven figures out that she’d been right the whole time- they should have stayed in the first room they gathered in, as it would have eventually been the room that led to the exit.

All that pain and death and anguish, only to wind up back at square one. I wonder if they wrote it that way for the pun, or if it’s just one of those coincidences? Speaking of puns, I give this one three squared outta ten ghosts (that is in fact nine. I had to make sure before i committed to the bit. I’m serious when I say I’m terrible at numbers.) It’s not a perfect movie, as one of my pet peeves is when characters decide to celebrate before actually confirming victory. Had Leaven, Worth, and Kazan simply left the cube the minute they knew it was the exit, they would have all survived.

Though it likely would have deprived me of that satisfying blood streak. Unacceptable.

[webbywatcheshorror]

A Ghoul and Their Blog

Hello! I’d like to introduce myself and explain this blog’s purpose a bit. 

I’m Webby, a big nerd currently in their mid-30s, and one of my hobbies is to watch horror movies and then talk about them to anyone who will listen. Usually I end up talking to myself.

 I’ve been live-tweeting them for a couple of years, but those tend to just be my surface thoughts and initial impressions during my first watch, and don’t delve too deep. (Usually.) So I started up this blog! 

The purpose of this blog is for me to talk about how the movie makes me feel, what it reminds me of, what I like and don’t like about it. It’s not intended to be professional by any means, and certainly will not be unbiased whatsoever. These reviews are also pretty much just me word-vomiting onto the page and then hitting post. Not a lot of editing or anything going on here.

Uhhh what else? Oh, right: if there’s a movie you want me to review, feel free to send in an ask! If I’ve seen it already it’ll go onto the list, and if I haven’t, then it’ll go onto my watchlist and probably end up in a livetweet thread on my twitter.

Also feel free to ask me about any of the movies I’ve already reviewed! I love to talk horror!

[webbywatcheshorror]

Thirteen Ghosts (2001)

Thir13en (or Thirteen/13) Ghosts is a story about a family that inherits a bizarre and beautiful house from a late relative that contains many secrets- and a basement full of murderous ghosts.

This is one of my personal favorites and has been since I was a kid. It came out in 2001 so the earliest I could have seen it would be when I was around 12 or so, and that’s assuming I saw it the year it came out, which I literally have no way of knowing. I’m going to operate under the assumption I saw it at 13 because it’s likely, and it’s thematically hilarious to me.

Also it definitely is one of about three ghost related movies that really solidified ghosts as being my ‘thing’.

Enough about that, let’s talk about the movie! Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS ahead!

I literally cannot overstate how much I love this movie. It’s one of the first real horror movies I ever saw as a child, and it’s definitely one of the ones that altered my brain chemistry to a degree that could never be undone. SO much of what I love in a horror movie comes from this one. 

Weird house? Check. Loads of ghosts? Check, obviously. Pathetic but attractive guy covered in blood? Check. Jokes that make me cackle but don’t interrupt the flow of the movie? Check. Body horror that makes my skin crawl? Check, check, check. A twist that’s set up previously in the movie if you’re REALLY sharp eyed? Check. Environmental storytelling, a weird morbid kid, two worlds in one space, and a WHOLE LOT of lore. It’s got it all!

The cold open is so good. It establishes the level of violence the dead are capable of (The Breaker having more than tripled his kill count after his death, for example), and gives us some major players and their clashing personalities. It also kind of reminds me of the opening scene in Jurassic park where they’re moving a raptor into the enclosure and it all goes to hell in a similar way.

Every new thing that gets mentioned just draws me further in, and I, a known sucker for lore, want to know everything. If I lived in that world, Cyrus would have had me hook, line, and SINKER, as long as he promised me ghost knowledge lmao. I’d be dead as hell so fast.

The inciting tragedy for the main characters plays over the opening credits and this, too, is something I adore. The environment changes along with the audio- a cheerful house with a loving family fades into a crummy, box-filled apartment while the anguished cries of Arthur and his children mourn the loss of their mother Jean as the camera pans to the left. We don’t have to see it to know what happened, or how much pain its caused.

One thing I love, love, love about this movie is how much story is told through the environment and small details alone, rather than just explained by the characters. Arthur doesn’t say he’s struggling to keep his shit together, but his instant mood swing at a small inconvenience sure does. The past due bills pinned to the corkboard in the background do, too. The set designers did an amazing job- I could probably find hidden important details in every scene if I had the time to comb through them.

Some other things I want to mention in this first part of the movie- the pictures of the house that the lawyer shows the family are all taken in a way that obscures the fact that every wall is glass; when we’re shown Kalina’s place, there’s a newspaper clipping about Cyrus’s death that names Ben Moss, the lawyer, as the spokesperson of Cyrus’s company, hinting at him having more of an involvement than simply the lawyer; and how nobody in the family really tries to deter Bobby from his obsession with death even if it makes them a little uncomfortable. 

The glass house is so iconic. It’s so fucking weird and impractical and sinister and beautiful all at once. And that’s BEFORE it goes full Rube Goldberg. There is nothing at all about this house that gives the vibe that you should move in here and raise your children. Hell there’s nothing at all that gives the vibe that it’s even a house. It’d be a museum, if anything, especially with how much stuff Cyrus has crammed in there.

Except the library. Almost all the books are on the floor in there. Cyrus I’m going to throttle you, you could have had the coolest occult library but instead you just stacked that shit on the ground. I’m so disappointed in you. It’s such a weird choice, given how much else he clearly planned out: every room has the ghost glasses in it somewhere, and there are multiple rooms that might tempt each new resident (living or dead perhaps). He wanted them to see their oncoming doom, wanted them to feel terror and heartbreak and despair. He planned for so many possibilities it’s actually pretty impressive- he knew the lawyer would kick off the process by going right for the money, for example, and it’s clear that he wasn’t told just how fast shit would pop off, since he just sort of saunters back down the corridor instead of getting the hell out as fast as possible. Nobody else was meant to leave that house alive, except Cyrus.

Cyrus himself is so easily hateable right from the get-go. He’s an asshole, he’s pushy and considers everyone else beneath him, and every new sentence out of his mouth makes me hate him more. There’s no attempt made to get the audience to sympathize with him, with the possible exception of the video they play as part of his will and testament, not that it works very well. What a great villain, and a fascinating character as well. I hate him so much. I’m delighted I got to see him die twice. (Ok so the first one was a fake out but it was still satisfying.)

And then there’s Dennis. Just as I hated Cyrus immediately, so did I love Dennis immediately. He’s a tormented little weirdo with psychic abilities, hunting ghosts and hating every minute of it just so he can have some kind of human interaction that doesn’t center on him being the target of whatever cruelty’s going on. He’s kind of an asshole, but he’s still compassionate (to the living at least), and funny to boot. Also, he’s played by Matthew Lillard, so of course I was going to love him. (However, at this point in my life, the only other thing I’d seen with him in it was Scooby-Doo, so the whiplash was real lmao.)

Honestly the man is prime blorbo real estate, as the kids might say. I’m surprised at how few fics there are on Ao3 for this movie/man.

My god, the lore in this movie is incredible. Each and every ghost has a name and a story, despite never getting addressed in the movie itself, and they all look phenomenally unique. They all have clearly distinct personalities, too, despite all (well almost all) of them being murderous freaks. I’d love to watch a miniseries or something about each spirit, I’d eat that up.

I loved the twist reveals, both Kalina’s and Cyrus’s. I really would like to know how he got her to fall for him, and whether she’d always been on his side or if she’d started out genuinely opposing him. One thing’s obvious though, and it’s that she is terrified of the man. Her personality does almost a complete 180 in his presence, she’s overexplaining, she’s desperate for his approval. It’s funny that, just a few minutes earlier, she’d taunted Dennis about how Cyrus was just using him and didn’t actually care about him, yet apparently never suspected the same about herself.

One more thing I’d like to mention is that I love how the family, and only the family, survives. Cyrus gets what he deserves, Kalina is betrayed, and Dennis sacrifices himself, but the entire family makes it out alive- including Maggie, the nanny. Where other movies might not have considered her family enough, and killed her off, this one says no, she’s part of the family. She gets to live. Which is great, since she was so right about pretty much everything, as well as probably the funniest character. (I will never not laugh at ‘did the lawyer split?’)

I do want to know what happens to all the ghosts, as after the destruction of the house they can all be seen presumably going off to commit murder elsewhere. And of course I also want to know where Ghost-Dennis went off to. Did he cross over? Did he decide to tag along with the family? Did he go off on his own? Whatever he chose, he finally looked somewhat at peace for the first time in the entire movie.

Maybe it’s nostalgia, maybe it’s because of how it shaped my interest in ghosts and horror, maybe it’s because I can’t resist a good pun, but I give this one 13 outta ten ghosts. I’ve seen this movie probably about 167 times and still haven’t gotten tired of it and I hope I never will.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Necromentia (2009)

[WARNING- THIS MOVIE IS UNRATED AND CONTAINS INSTANCES OF GORE, VIOLENCE, AND TOPICS THAT MAY BE CONSIDERED DISTURBING]

Prefacing this one with some content warnings since it’s a pretty messed up little movie. For more specifics, please visit this DoesTheDogDie.com entry.

(It does seem like the DtDD entry is incomplete, so if you choose to watch this one, do note that there’s a decent amount of mutilation in it, lots of blood, drug use, and an instance of necrophilia.)

Necromentia is a dark, grungy film about love, revenge, and really, really bad choices. It’s also about pain and its many forms, and what people do to free themselves of it. I’ve seen this one multiple times, and it still makes my skin crawl each time, which is quite a feat at this point tbh.

Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS.

I’d describe this one as being inspired by both Hellraiser and Saw- it’s one of the grimiest movies I think I’ve ever seen, and there’s a big, big emphasis on pain and has what’s basically a Cenobite. It’s also one of the first movies I remember watching that’s told basically in reverse, much like Terrified.

Also like Terrified, I’ll be splitting this one into parts to talk about, but only three, and each one will focus on a different character. Hagen, Travis, and Morbius.

The first segment of this movie is about a guy named Hagen, who is in Hell. Which is represented by a dirty maintenance hall full of pipes and dust and a figure wearing a gas mask who tells him ‘Bad Decision, Hagen’. Hagen’s story is that he’s been taking care of his girlfriend Elizabeth’s corpse with the expectation that she’ll come back to it- and she’s been dead at least a month, maybe even two or more. Hagen meets (a word which here means, is accosted by) two men, Travis and an unnamed guy wearing a shirt that says Fubar; Travis tells him they know what he’s been up to, his disgusting daily rituals, and they’re here to offer him a deal. They can bring people back from the dead, but they need his help to do it.

He agrees, and Travis lures him into the trap- he’s going to use Hagen as a key to open a gate to Hell, so he can go find his brother and Hagen can go find Elizabeth. When Hagen gets to Hell, however, all he finds is punishment- a Cenobite mutilates him with some eye horror that squicks me out, then drags him off into the darkness presumably for all eternity.

Hagen’s part in the story is fairly short to start with, and we don’t really learn much about him other than he’s a deeply disturbed, desperate man with less sense than morals (and the bar is on the floor, beasties, you’ll know what I mean later.). He’s so eager to bring back his girlfriend that he ignores the clear signs that Travis was manipulating him from the start.

11 months prior to Hagen’s demise, Travis is a young(ish?) man struggling to take care of himself and his younger brother, who has unspecified mental illness and is confined to a wheelchair most of the time, unable to really communicate. They also own the weirdest TV set known to man- it’s got a big, gnarly looking pig face framing the screen, and apparently only shows static, but Thomas loves it.

I’m pretty sure the TV is fucking possessed, because the second Travis leaves for work, we meet a man? Demon? named Mr. Skinny, wearing a pig mask and wrapped in barbed wire and tubes, singing about suicide in a high pitched voice. It’s incredibly morbid, but I inexplicably like the one line ‘wake up in the morning with shotgun mouth’. I have no idea why, as it’s certainly NOT the subject matter. Thomas seems enchanted by him and I believe this is supposed to imply that he’s been suicidal for some time but unable to express it in a way that others can understand.

The scene of Travis at work is the one that really gives me the heebies and/or jeebies- he erotically mutilates people. This ranges from cutting, sticking needles into gums, even chopping off digits, if that’s what the customer wants. It’s a scene I have a hard time watching, possibly due to the intimate feeling of it, or maybe just because I can’t stop myself from wondering how it might feel and the answer is always: BAD. The music is great though.

Moving on. Travis shoots up with some unidentified clear liquid, hoping it will help him get off the heroin, but he probably shoulda just stuck with the heroin, seeing as whatever advanced form of drug this is transports him to a different dimension where a demon greets him. Despite being warned that Thomas is in danger, Travis refuses to grant the demon his help, and a few days later, Mr. Skinny influences Thomas to murder his babysitter and supposedly commit suicide, but Travis doesn’t seem to ever find his body. (side note- the guy fell asleep reading a fetish magazine featuring ‘the wheelchair experience’. While babysitting a young man who is wheelchair bound and UNABLE TO SPEAK. Now I don’t know if that’s supposed to imply anything, but he gave me the creeps, so I’m not particularly sad to see him go.)

The demon promises to help Travis bring Thomas back, so they make a deal and the demon, Morbius, teaches Travis necromancy. Morbius takes over the body of dead babysitter, Fubar, and they start their hunt for Hagen- Morbius hates the shit out of the guy and wants him in Hell like, yesterday. When he’s finally carved up like a turkey and dropped into the Hell Hall, Travis follows him and discovers that oops! Maybe making a deal with a demon was a bad idea! He’s attacked by the Cenobite and dragged off into the darkness, just like Hagen.

Travis’s story is much sadder to me personally, and I wish he had been successful, if only for Thomas’s sake. Morbius had warned him that his weakness (self mutilation and drugs) was what drew him to the guy in the first place, and that other demons were drawn to him, too- he tells him that it’s Travis’s fault that Mr. Skinny ever found his brother in the first place. Travis was trying, struggling, being failed by the system that was supposed to help him and Thomas. All for nothing. Worse than nothing, really. 

The final portion of the movie tells us Morbius’ story and why he hates Hagen so, so much- Morbs used to be human. He was searching for answers in every way he could, including the occult, going so far as to carve sigils into his torso on his quest for meaning. He tries to show affection to his girlfriend- Elizabeth. You know, the corpse from the beginning of the movie? Yeah, her again. She refuses to look at him, cutting him off from any attempts at communication, as he is mute. All she gives him is snide remarks about working late hours.

I already hated her the moment this scene happened. I cannot stand this woman and I like her way better as a corpse. It’s already fucked up that she effectively denies Morbius the ability to ‘speak’, but later we find out she’s been cheating on him with Hagen, is apparently pregnant, and then admits she doesn’t want to leave Morbius because she likes having what is essentially a slave to her every whim. 

Then she says she’d rather Morbius be dead than have to dump him. Girl, get some fucking help. What the fuck is wrong with you.

She begs Hagen to help her murder him so they can be together, and after some half hearted protest, he gives in. Hagen is a pushover, clearly. “Help me open a hell gate, Hagen. Help me murder my boyfriend, Hagen. Fuckin’, tie my shoes, Hagen.” Just does whatever anyone asks, I guess. 

While his beloved and her future bodykeeper are plotting his death, Morbius is working as a bartender where he serves Travis and other nameless patrons. On his way home, he finds Travis passed out in the alley, freshly mugged, and discovers he, too, apparently just carries a small vial of blood on him??? And his inner monologue mentions that pain binds us all, even if we don’t know it. Probably referring to how everyone’s story is intertwined or whatever. Honestly it sounds kind of pretentious imo.

Anyway, Hagen and Elizabeth attempt to murder Morbius by putting herbicide in his drink that night, but it’s kind of a slow death and Elizabeth, impatiently, tries to hasten it by taunting him??? With news of her pregnancy?????? This pushes Morbs over the edge and he manages to strangle the life out of her before Hagen brutalizes his face with a folding chair.

Morbius wakes up in the Hell Hall, discovers he can speak, and immediately dials into the fact that he’s dead. Gas Mask demon calls him daddy in a non sexual way and tells him he’s created this Hell through sheer will, and invites him to leave behind the world of the living. When Morbius demands revenge, Gas Mask tries to warn him that to pursue this path will turn him into a monster.

And so it does. Once Hagen lands in Hell, Morbius becomes the Cenobite, twisted and blind, warped by his revenge, cursed to roam the endless Hell of his own creation. Nobody is happy and everyone is dead.

Everyone in this movie is supremely fucked up in one way or another, whether by circumstances breaking them or just by being a huge fucking bitch, Elizabeth. Hagen, Morbius, Travis, Fubar, even Thomas was fucked up, though not his fault. It’s a tragic chain of events that dooms each person unlucky enough to touch it, and hard to say whether or not things could have gone differently had they made different choices. Were they doomed from the start, or could they have avoided their fate? Who knows. 

The moral of the story could be don’t do drugs. Or it could be don’t fuck with demons. Or that revenge will consume you and make you into a monster. Or maybe just break up instead of considering murder. Seriously Elizabeth wtf.

6 out of 10 ghosts, for being an interesting story and making me uncomfortable, which I enjoy in horror. It’s a movie I revisit every several years, but not one I’d say is my favorite- just a weird little romp into a miserable, filthy world. Like seriously not a single scene took place in a clean room. Everything looked disgusting all the time. It ruled. Gross horror rules.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Webby Reviews Horror: The Night They Knocked (2019)

The Night They Knocked is about a group of friends who are spending one last weekend together at a remote summer home in the woods before they graduate college and part ways, but their plans are disrupted by a knock on the door.

 This movie is an hour and a halfish and I gotta say I only enjoyed a few minutes of it. I can’t recall exactly why this one had been on my watchlist, but I’m willing to bet Whatculture Horror had something to do with it. 

Review under the cut, and as always, SPOILERS AHEAD!

Let me preface this with some honesty: I am only reviewing this so that I don’t only limit myself to covering movies I enjoyed. It didn’t leave much of a lasting impression when I watched it the first time, and the second viewing only really highlighted things about it that annoyed me. So let’s dive in.

The opening of this movie is pretty promising, if longer than it needed to be. The establishing shot of the house in the wood takes several seconds that I suppose are intended to raise tension and discomfort, but it. Just doesn’t. And listen. I grew up in a house in the woods. I can promise you that hearing a knock at the door without first having heard the sound of a vehicle is intensely alarming- but the nameless First Kill doesn’t seem at all perturbed.

There are several shots in this opening sequence that seem to serve no purpose beyond padding the runtime and showing that First Kill is alone and can expect no rescue from neighbors, as there aren’t any. These shots persist throughout the movie with very few actually seeming to add anything to it- more on that later.

I did like the fact that the off screen brutality took place during full daylight- the sounds of First Kill’s scream and assumed murder playing over the image of a cheery, sunshine-filled home is a delightful and underutilized dichotomy in the horror genre imo. Daylight is supposed to be one of the safe havens, right up there with covering yourself completely with a blanket. I really do wish the rest of the movie had followed suit and kept the timing, but it doesn’t. In fact most of the ending sequence is near pitch black and I couldn’t see shit.

As the opening credits play, a car radio gives us some plot updates as we are introduced to some of our main characters driving out to join the rest of the cast. We are supposed to believe that these people are best friends, and have been for years, but never once do I get that vibe at all. Maybe it’s just the bad dialogue, maybe it’s the less than stellar acting, but you could have told me these were four people who were forced to spend time together as a punishment of some sort and I would have bought that explanation.

There is a lot of interpersonal drama we suffer through for the entire first half of the movie. There are six friends who are all paired off, plus the brother of one of the guys; I could not find myself caring about any of them except possibly one of the couples and the ex-convict brother. It’s never explicitly stated, but I get the distinct feeling that these are all rich kids who are used to a cushy, privileged life. Maybe it’s because at their final hurrah party, these college kids get wasted on wine and weed only. Maybe it’s just the unrealistic way these characters behave/are written.

Things really don’t start popping off until somewhere around minute 43, and until then we are treated to unending and perplexing drama, more lingering shots on the environment, and a few short scenes from the POV of the intruders complete with unsettling heavy breathing and sinister whispering.

I keep complaining about the drama because in the end, almost none of it becomes at all relevant or is even ever brought up again. For example, one girl cheated on her boyfriend and might be pregnant- she never tells him. I had expected her to let it slip and then it causes him to let her die in a moment of weakness, but no. It goes nowhere and really only served to make me like her less.

These ‘friends’ are all so incredibly quick to get hostile with one another. They’re instantly suspicious of offhand comments and seem to jump at the chance to misinterpret each other. I feel like if they’d framed the group as a bunch of people who were friends in name only, but actually ready to sell each other to Satan for one corn chip, it would have worked so much better and been far more believable than what we got.

Anyway, shit goes turnways with a pretty decent scene of one of the girls upstairs crying in the bathroom before getting grabbed by an unseen intruder behind the shower curtain- a nice way to introduce the concept that they’re not alone in the house, and we get our first taste of the violence to come since First Kill’s demise. Sadly, we get little more than nibbles for the rest of the movie.

In short order, two of the friends (and the ones with the least amount of Assholery in their personalities) are taken out by a man in clown facepaint and wielding a metal bat. Their quick deaths aren’t all that disappointing, as they weren’t really very focused on to begin with. Clownboy taunts the friends who are left alive, locked inside the house with no way to call for help, while his friend Pretty Dress leaves his bloody handprints on the backdoor.

Clownboy is immediately more interesting to me than the entire rest of the cast, even including the ex-con brother, and honestly I’m disappointed it took so long for him to show up. He’s unhinged and clearly enjoying himself while he inflicts physical and emotional damage on the group. I really liked the energy he brought to the movie and feel like he could have redeemed it, had he been given more screentime.

The remaining deaths are quick and largely unseen, and we find that there’s more than just Clownboy and Pretty Dress- there’s an entire circus of these clowns just itching for some ultraviolence. We never find out what their motivations are, but as one of the characters muses, ‘They don’t need a reason’. I do wish we’d gotten this from the painted mouth of Clownboy, but the closest we get is him chanting ‘I love it’ while slowly strangling one of the group before being bonked to death by his own bat.

The ending is left open, but it’s very likely that neither of the two surviving protagonists make it out alive given just how many clowns they’re surrounded by. As endings go, it’s pretty dull, but honestly I’m not sure how else they could have ended the film. 

This movie makes me want to do a complete rewrite of the story, with more emphasis placed on the psychological aspects of being trapped in a house by menacing strangers. I’d also at least use some of the interpersonal issues and hostility of the friend group to heighten the tension and pit them against one another; I’d also use those long, lingering environment shots to hint at the terror to come. I am not, however, a scriptwriter, so maybe someone will remake this movie in about six years and have some similar ideas.

The Night They Knocked ultimately left me disappointed and a little bored, to be quite honest. I didn’t really feel sympathy for the characters, the deaths were lackluster, and it felt like a lot of it was only there to keep it from being a short film. It did have some enjoyable parts and an intriguing villain, so it wasn’t a total waste of time.

Giving this one 4 out of 10 ghosts, as I did at least like the opening and overall concept, but I can’t really recommend it, except for maybe the scene where Clownboy shoves an eight ball down a girl’s throat so she asphyxiates to death. I’d have given it a higher score if there had been at least one knock knock joke, but alas. Clownboy just isn’t a funny guy.

[webbywatcheshorror]

Webby Reviews Horror: Glorious (2022)

Glorious is a movie about the humanity in the divine, and the divinity in the human. It’s about the pain of heartbreak and the deep well of regret that flows from selfish choices. It’s about the selfless sacrifices given in the name of love.

It’s also about a rest stop bathroom with a glory hole in the stall.

Review under the cut, and of course, SPOILERS!

Glorious is a pretty short movie at a little over an hour and fifteen minutes, but it feels longer to me, due in part to the slow pacing in the first part and then the anticipation of the second. The payoff is worth it in the end, though, and I think the pacing gives the audience a better chance to really start to sympathize with and relate to our protagonist.

The first half introduces us to Wes, your sort of ‘standard’ movie protag. You know, the nearing middle age, average build white guy, brown hair, somewhat unkempt facial hair situation. Not exactly thinking outside the box, casting-wise. HOWEVER, I think in this particular instance, having him be the ‘Societal Default’ actually works in the story’s favor. That is, if they did it on purpose, of course. They want us, the audience, to really feel a connection to Wes, maybe even project onto him a little.

After all, who hasn’t felt the grief of a broken heart? The urge to call our ex’s phone even if only to hear their recorded voice telling us to leave a message? That’s what’s going on to begin with: Wes, an exhausted and miserable man, decides to pull into a rest stop so he stops falling asleep on the road. He’s Going Through It something fierce- he about loses it on a vending machine that denies him a candy bar (once again, who among us, etc) and he looks like hell. An enigmatic trucker gives him a hand and some advice, and on her way back to her truck, she stops and smiles at a strangely colored flower with goop on it, which gives me the impression that she has some kind of idea as to what’s about to go down; then she drives away. (Maybe not, but it’s never made clear, and I like the idea that she does.)

The next morning, Wes wakes up to a stomach full of regret and consequences- he chugged a lot of whisky last night and burned a lot of his stuff, including his pants. Listen, I get it, heartbreak and alcohol can really screw with what you think is a logical set of actions. He stumbles into the main stage of the story, the filthy men’s bathroom of an unattended, way out of the way rest stop. 

On the wall of this particular stall is a very creatively decorated glory hole which you can sort of see on the poster- it’s some kind of Lovecraftian beast that’s part monster, part humanoid, which is pretty representative of our story and our two main characters, the second of which we are introduced to once Wes has finished emptying the contents of his gut. 

 Is bathroom horror a genre yet? Between this and the first Saw, I’d say it should be. There’s something about the contrast of a familiar place being so grimy it’s revolting that works so well for horror. People who can articulate better than me could probably explain why, but I’m getting off track.

An unseen person in the adjacent stall, voiced by the very talented JK Simmons, strikes up a conversation with Wes, who is understandably a little skeeved out by this. His name is Ghatanothoa, and is pronounced in a fun way: stick out your tongue, hold the tip of it with your finger and thumb, and slowly say “Got another one”. 

Ghat is DELIGHTFUL to me. He doesn’t understand turns of phrase, he takes things very literally, and seems to have no concept of societal rules (such as getting chatty with strangers in a public bathroom). It’s what could be described as autistic-coded, though I can’t say for certain if that was the intent in his characterization, since it turns out he’s an ancient, lonely god, and hasn’t exactly spent much time in the company of mortals. 

Wes responds in a pretty expected way: he’s not in the mood for whatever this weirdo has going on, even if he is a little curious. He tries to look at Ghat even when warned not to gaze upon the god, for his mortal mind could not safely perceive his true form, and the resulting consequence is enough to chip away some of his skepticism. He remains stubborn, though, and tries to leave in whatever way he can think of despite being told it’s impossible. As I’ve said, Wes is a pretty relatable guy, almost too relatable in some ways. I believe this is intentional.

 Ghat gives us his origin story- his father, god of creation, accidentally gave life and form to some of his thoughts and went ‘oh no kill it’ as he much preferred the vast nothingness that he had before. The newly formed children fought back and spilled more life from within their father’s wounds, then came to a compromise. They’d stitch him back up as long as he allowed the new life to remain. But they were all of them deceived, for another life form was made, a god of destruction that would one day wipe out the universe so the great emptiness would return- Ghatanothoa. He is compared to the Christian God and Jesus a few times, though not blatantly so. Example: “I am he.”

Ghat is an ethereal caterpillar morphing into a corporeal butterfly, and when he finishes this process, he will, unwillingly, carry out the purpose he was given and destroy everything. He doesn’t want to do it; he feels connected to the world and its mortal inhabitants, and wants to return to the ether to protect them. And Wes has been chosen to help him do it. 

Wes gives the usual ‘everyone’s a shitty selfish person maybe we should all die’ cynicism, then gives us HIS origin story. His dad was a piece of shit who shrouded his cruelty in perceived selflessness, resulting in his wife’s suicide and a warped worldview in his son. This is probably our first hint to Wes’s secret.

No matter what Wes tries, he can’t escape, and getting someone else involved only results in the bathroom getting a fresh coat of red paint. There’s no way out of this except give Ghat what he needs or let the entire universe die. 

And what Ghat needs is for Wes to satisfy his physical form. He believes Wes can rise to the occasion and perform this great service for the good of all life.

The bait and switch of Ghat NOT wanting Wes to stick his dick in the glory hole is so god damn funny I almost choked the first time I watched this, pun intended. JK Simmons saying “You thought your human penis was going to save the universe?” lives in my head rent-free. Wes hyped himself up to do it for like three minutes of runtime which was probably over twenty in-universe or longer only to be told his genitals are of no significance. Absolutely incredible.

No, what Ghat wants is for Wes to willingly give him his liver, or at least part of it. Wes for some reason was more willing to give Ghat the D than he is about the liver. This is /hilarious/ to me. Wes is so offended by Ghat’s dick dismissal that it takes even more convincing to get him to agree, which he only does after Ghat takes the memory of Wes’s ex, Brenda, away. If everything is destroyed, then so is her memory, and that thought is enough to change Wes’s mind.

Wes takes the shard of glass from the mirror he’s provided, and makes the cut which is interrupted by one last joke (he almost cut into the wrong side. I probably would have, too.). He makes the sacrifice as Ghat’s father rends the world in pursuit of his child-weapon.

The bloody, noble sacrifice scene is spliced with the big reveal of Wes’s secret- he’s a serial killer. He’s been killing his girlfriends once he determines they don’t fill the emptiness inside of him, a void that’s implied to have been created by his abusive father. Brenda was his latest victim, and the only one he seems to regret, because she actually did make him feel something. The love he was feeling scared him so bad that he killed her anyway, her last expression one of betrayal and heartbreak as she’d discovered his trophy pictures of his past victims.

Ghat accepts the offering, and the total annihilation of the universe is prevented. Ghat’s father retreats and Ghat himself is returned to the ether, never to be a part of the world he loves. Wes, lying on the floor in agony, proudly declares himself a hero, but he’s wrong. Ghatanothoa tells him he was chosen for this not because he’s a hero who will be remembered, but because he, too, is a being of destruction, and it’s better for the universe that they will both be forgotten. “It is finished.”

Wes and Ghat are parallels of one another yet so opposite- Ghat was created to destroy, but he felt so much for others that he chose to return to the ether, never to interact with the world he loves in order to protect it. Wes, on the other hand, chose to become a murderer because of how little he felt for others, only making the sacrifice out of a selfish desire to have one more chance to see the face of the woman he killed for making him feel something at long last. Ghat, who was more human than Wes, and Wes, who was more of a god of destruction than Ghat, two beings who gave their lives and saved all of existence.

I mentioned a couple of times about it being intentional with Wes being this super-relatable, sort of ‘everyman’, the assumed societal default, and here’s why: Usually, the audience is supposed to identify with, sympathize with, and root for the protagonist, this isn’t a new concept. But when we spend over an hour doing this, especially to such a degree, it can really feel like the floor drops out from under us when we realize that this guy that’s just like us fr is a cold blooded murderer and has been the entire time.

Most horror ends one of two ways, right? The hero pulls through despite it all and we get some kind of relief or even hope that the evil is defeated. Or, despite it all, the evil prevails and will strike again, even if the hero survives. But in Glorious, there’s no real hero, and the evil is thwarted with no relief to be found, no satisfaction in the end. There’s just Wes, Ghat, and the quiet finality of their demise. The world will continue to spin as if nothing had ever happened, and as far as everyone else knows, nothing ever did.

Glorious leaves me feeling introspective and a little sad, as I really ended up liking Ghatanothoa, and seeing some of myself in Wes makes me a little uncomfortable (as it should). It’s a great twist on the chosen one trope, and the humor is well placed and doesn’t break the flow of the story. The beginning is a little slow, as I said before, but slow burn can really bring out the flavor of a good story, and this was a tasty meal for me. 

JK Simmons really steals the show as Ghatanothoa, selling me on both the more human aspects of his character as he talks about believing in the goodness inherent in humanity, and the underlying current of power he struggles to rein in as Wes tests his patience and time runs out. 

I wouldn’t call this one ‘scary’ necessarily, though the cosmic horror is absolutely present, and there’s some gore involved. I don’t subscribe to the idea that horror has to scare you to be considered horror, so while some don’t consider this a true horror movie, I do. 

Ten outta ten (holy?) ghosts for a story I greatly enjoyed, JK Simmons, and the bait and switch with the glory hole which I am STILL laughing about.