weepingenemyharmony

[weepingenemyharmony]

AND A NOTE ON B;LACK discipline

You wanna know everything about me, hun

like I’m some sorta insect like the scars on my legs ain’t doing enough healing on there own.

You wanna rip me open and see my heart and blood gushing into veins.

You want my passion and existence to be torn away like yours.

I am yours

I am your creation

Your daughter the one that you told was demon possessed was speaking nonsense, when she said “she wanted to die.”

She was a Child

Your child

Your love was shown in how gracefully you beat her. As she bent over the bed.

She endulged and ingulfed in pain as she endured her destiny.

You beat her for liking boys.

And you’d beat her for being bisexual.

She was to be drowned in her Bible.

Baptized in the holy waters of church

Children obey your parents, otherwise they will beat you senselessly.

Emotionally drained flinching at the movement of her mother.

THIS IS LOVE

LOVE In abundance

Over flowing

Tears, tears of longing for escape

I don’t know how I did it but I DID

Here I am father, a title of which you are undeserving

We could all be fathers if we wanted to be.

Fathers of our words and writing.

Father of our hands and how we use them to mold our creation with pain and suffering.

You trigger death in my mind with your hands and trigger re-birth and unlearning with your distance. It was leaving those 4 walls that made me feel sane, re thinking and re imagining, re built my courage.

I knew that I would one day escape and that I would one day be the amazing human I was meant to be.  You made me want to believe in a future where I was more then scum.

I detach my feelings of responsibility and of respectability because abusers don’t deserve my respect and adoration.

[weepingenemyharmony]

We are always looking for the intense highs but what about the intricate ones. The ones that no one is looking at. The one that are subtle and soft but lift your spirits.

[weepingenemyharmony]

Black female freedom (revised)

They love to tell a black girl she’s crazy for listening to our collective voices, for uplifting others in the name of freedom.

For dancing in the rain

For screaming on those same sidewalk pavements with her chest to the sky. Kicking the concrete.

How can she think and become when the rain drops are inhibiting her breathing

There is power in her sexuality and her understanding of it

Do you think there are ways in which your mother chose your sister before you

There are ways in which this world chooses white voices, white male voices.

There are ways in which this world chooses who speaks and who is beautiful

You know how they toss you aside in conversation because they choose not to see you.

When u imagine urself in ur free est state what do you see

Are you flying,

Are you swimming across the Atlantic

I’m cruising down 6th avenue in a red Cadillac

flexing my femininity in every direction

Nothing is wrong with me is an idea I’m not used to

In the meantime I’m healing

They won’t dare interrupt me

They love to tell a black girl she’s crazy for listening to our collective voices, for uplifting others in the name of freedom.

For dancing in the rain

For screaming on those same sidewalk pavements with her chest to the sky. Kicking the concrete.

How can she think and become when the rain drops are inhibiting her breathing

There is power in her sexuality and her understanding of it

Do you think there are ways in which your mother chose your sister before you

There are ways in which this world chooses white voices, white male voices.

There are ways in which this world chooses who speaks and who is beautiful

You know how they toss you aside in conversation because they choose not to see you.

When u imagine urself in ur free est state what do you see

Are you flying,

Are you swimming across the Atlantic

I’m cruising down 6th avenue in a red Cadillac

flexing my femininity in every direction

Nothing is wrong with me is an idea I’m not used to

In the meantime I’m healing

They won’t dare interrupt me

[weepingenemyharmony]

my Carribean reality (revised)

My mother left Grenada the first chance she got .

She was gone before the foreign oil companies could pollute their sea.

Grenada’s water - soon to be the white man's waste dump.

Her world became too much

the big fish consumed the small

And only sharks existed

The sharks we got used to, that devoured mind-body and sound, had you fighting like every day was your last.

This was her reality that I wanted to hold on to, to my Caribbean existence

Without it being weird

Weird, because my dad still doesn't understand why an American child born in a land with everything wanted any connection to Grenada.

They barely talk about life there almost like it never happened

Almost like it never mattered, they were American now.

Grenada wasn't supposed to exist.

We are the descendants of stolen slaves who barely made it alive, products of a successful rebellion. The United States was our chance for reparations.

I wished the white man would stop conquering

I watched too many pure kings conqueror my body without consent

We just were always holding their space

We served and cooked them food

Their doors were held open by us

The walls of their presence secured by us

We were their lifeline.

Internally and externally they saw us as extensions of them.

We were forgotten and the oil dumped into the Caribbean sea blackened with the coral reefs consumed.

My mother doesn’t know why I crave that island.

A place that at her time of youth was invaded by American troops

Now she stretches her arms to these racist white men.  

Her childhood left falling down the stairs.

She had never seen guns so big.

the island meant freedom for me

A lack of white America

my roots held me to love the place of my mother’s birth

Grenada was a place where my mind was sound

Our shores were the entry ports to our people’s captivity on land they would never leave.

Colonizers became threatened by our visibility.

[weepingenemyharmony]

random frustration

Did they forget what it was like to lose your lungs To feel suspended Over that same glass pit in middle school To feel as a room persecuted those they imagined Those who didn’t have right to stay I hated that building, now I feel constantly still When you reach 0 In your bank account In your lungs In your systemEverything back as it was i fear what people can’t hear Fuck tomorrow I just cant sleep. I cant cut I go back into the hospital, I domino wanna be crazy I don’t wanna lose sleep I don’t wanna feel like I am a problem I don’t wanna feel my mother hates me al. over I just wanna go bout to 2205 And believe in change e believe in my availability Believe that I  conquer kings My chin drips tears and I cant wipe anymore The glass keeps falling and I look up and glass hards hit my eye What was his obsession with my pain Was he a doctor Was he a different a kind of doctor The kind that hide behind walls The kind that heal everything That help only when your hurt Why was I fragile I felt cursed The only time I felt strong in my mind Was when I had 5 shots and smoked a blunt Why couldn’t he leave me in my cornerHe caught my bluff Who was the real me Was she as kind as she said Or would I regret inviting her over to my house 

[weepingenemyharmony]

ang-zaya-tee

Im just lost

I never feel like I’m where I’m suppose to be or going anywhere

My brother done left me

In mind body and spirt

And I stand here lonely

I’m not in the play I can’t be a main character

I won’t be

I sat in my chair with a circle of sister

Each with there own purpose

I felt my purpose come and go

My presence is radiating silence deafening the eyes

I ran to you

You who hold my emptiness

My void that I can’t comprehend

I ran out that room and they had noticed I left

I only did what the anxiety tells me to do

To run to run to run

To run away from the judgements of what I should be quite silent

I like the theater because it makes me feel

But no one feels anything when I act

They are only conscienceless confused

As there heart beat speeds up

They feel anxiety in there seats

Promising as it crawls up there leg

That it will move up there leg

I can’t get out my head

I’m not mentally healthy enough

To not make every script to be aggressive to be powerful

I need to be silent but black women aren’t silent

Why can’t we create a theater where race has now sound

And women have no sexuality

I’m not disrespected

I knew I didn’t have a quite house to hold space to hold comfort

Rather then empty halls of

How are we suppose to react when the babies black how are we to react when a black men dies

I haven’t healed since

But as my internal wounds bleed I nod and say I’m fine

Just like in high school when I’d run away from the danger and shake the gates on the radiator and wish an angel would push me to feel every step below me

My mother never liked those dark staircases

She always thought some one could get raped in them.

They were dark it was our black skin that keep them lit

Did she know I cried in them

And collected my tears and walked in the class room slightly changed

[weepingenemyharmony]

an old fav

When u imagine urself in ur free est state what do you see

Are you flying, are you swimming across the Atlantic

I’m cruising down 6th avenue in a red Cadillac flexing my femininity in every direction

Nothing is wrong with me is an idea I’m not used to

I’ve only know myself with problems

My mother dragged me by my hair across the Atlantic

[weepingenemyharmony]

JUSt breathe again

My whole life people only ever told me I was crazy I was maniac

Crazy in my position in my understanding. In how I love in how I see things.

Send me purple and pink sunsets wrapped in broken bones

They love to tell a black girl she’s crazy for listening for uplifting

For dancing in the rain

For screaming on the concrete floor in the rain

How can she create when the rain drops are choking her slowly

And the blood that drips from her uterus reminds her of her femininity and weakness

Is her power in her sexuality or her understanding of it

Do you think there are ways in which your mother chose your sister before you,

Subconsciously for her lighter skin.

You know how they threw your grandmother out because she her self was way to Dark.

Did her brain reject me and accept my sister.

My brother says she raised 2 different sets of children

In the night time I’m healing, levitating

Don’t interrupt me

[weepingenemyharmony]

AFTER Cali....

It just eats me

I wonder how many people i have denied humanity to

WHO have I missed.

Arguments become misunderstandings

And everyone hates confrontation

I think those that don’t know me, think of me as a guarded and lazy writer

I just, don’t want just anyone to know me and to interact with me

I want mean in full connections people that will hold on to me even if they cant feel themselves

People that are not afraid to be unappreciated or unapologetically themselves

People that are encouraging, kind, and loving

People that breathe their energy and essence

So that way when the misunderstandings happen they will realize that it is worth it to work through

Forgiving people who make me know that hate does not exist in our four walls of a bubble.

People that know animosity creates strife and that just equates to more pain

I want to keep their memory alive with my words

Their passion rekindled with our photos

Im just a hood barbie trying to be professional, I wish they let me in the club

It’s really that I’ve hurt so much that I’m trying to heal.

Ive escaped and ran away from my pain for to long

Yet it always finds me anywhere in the world.

EVEN IN MY SLEEP

I just wanna hold on to GOD tightly and pray he forgives me.  

For all the times I denied him, for all the times I hated him.

I hope he knows as he sits within me, That I know he is happiness.

It’s just pain can be distracting. It can distract you from your goals.

I KNOW he is the key to my healing and success and joy. HIM AND HIM ONLY. I know I have to brought low to be high. God is my high. Not green buds that ignite and disappear. They will have you wondering in desperation who else is present to share more weed. Alcohol will have you to Sleepless and depressed, and only have nights you cant remember. WASTED time, twisted conscience, and a lot forgotten.  

And with that I eat the last piece of my edible

Hopefully the last THC and CBD I ever consume  

[weepingenemyharmony]

DIS-trust

For the friends I have lost it seems there will be no tomorrow

We were raise on the streets

We walked them day and night

We were known as threat not because were violent

But because we had melanin and possessed it strongly

We grew up with school safety having guns on there holster

And imagining when would be the day NYPD choose to use it

Ive heard a lot of rumors and ima dead it right now

Yes we went to the corner store and bought a bacon egg and cheese with a Snapple glass bottle

Like we did that almost everyday before school

We would come into the building dedicated to building and get broken down

Because why would you buy a Snapple in a glass bottles that you knew you weren’t  aloud to bring in the building

We would chug it fast

And head through scanning

Take your boots and belt off they are made of metal

Your phone goes in the basket it can’t go through

This is a reality

Your not dreaming

Some just didn’t understand

And when you still would ring

They would wave the bar over you

To check for something more lethal

I get this is crown heights kids don’t make to graduation And kids cant think

I mean I’m at at school where a blood stabbed a teacher and they play drill music to forget we all living a nightmare.

[weepingenemyharmony]

constraint

what keeps me safe from myself is God, he’s the only one I think of when I am cutting and see more blood than I expected. The only one I think of when I fear I might die. When I’m panicking and I run out of a room into another and mind cant receive any oxygen.  When the parasites are crawling inside me and I see my skin moving. When the barrel of the gun is pressed into my head. When I’m under water and feel no bottom or side to my body, only the pain of falling into the abyss. My eyes sink into my mind as seeing is futile, my mind is fuzzy and I ask God is this it. I hear death clear as my cautions tells me to. Piercing venom. Do I fear death or do I fear meeting my maker? It isn’t poverty I fear or my skin for in those I can live it is my freedom to live to choose my path. The false belief of personal Will is the only thing men will ever have privy too.

[weepingenemyharmony]

trigger warning you will be alarmed, you will be hurt, you will be stung, SO LEAVE

[weepingenemyharmony]

When he puts on his alluring face each vertebrate falls ever so gently in line, one by one -- he has my full attention.

[weepingenemyharmony]

HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING - SELF HARM  ( I started thinking I should write trigger warnings just incase my kids see this.)

I like seeing red so bright like a red dress.

I told them I was suicidal in the 6th grade why didn’t they believe me.

I told them I wanted to die then they looked at me with open eyes, the same eyes my father told me I was deserving of when he

Said I wasn’t Grenadian.

In this country I had not believed like a white man

He said Americans only look like anglo saxons

I reminded them of slave and captivity that isn’t good for anyones mental.

Thank you for confiding in the same people that hurt you.

But back to red

RED CAME IN THE DARK and enlightened MY PAST

SHE HELD ARMS

IN ONE POSiTION

AND TOLD ME not to die

She by way, was my way of self preservation

I wasn’t gonna hurt anyone ever

Was every body hurting because I was the poison

Mother is always right the damage is done

BUT I still wanna keep cutting till I see bone

Till I feel bone

Its the only white substance I have in me

I cut myself yes

But I praY

[weepingenemyharmony]

I miss him like crazy, he was my sunshine and light and now it feels like my days are a little bit darker now.

[weepingenemyharmony]

RIGHT before I left for Cali

I think I wanted to feel wanted but not killed

I forgot men like you existed

My mom doesn’t get it

Her ears died in 2005

She’s just looking for signs from her God or our ancestors

What if her God was perfection and mine was animosity

Did I just want to hate myself

Is that why I put my self through it all

Did I forget that lustful men lurked at the corner of my hips and begged to enter my Cervix.

I’m broken inside ignore me every time

Remember when Cameron said he loved your power.

Would he love it as much, would they dig a hole if they knew I was sexually assaulted

I only knew how to be sexual with everyone

I didn’t know how to be respectful to my legs or my nipples

I didn’t care cause all guys do is grab me and drag me up against the frat floor

And I keep begging them to stop, but while that demon my mom has summons keeps speaking

(She summoned it by not caring making me love all that I hate because she is the root of my love, my physical creator)

Beckons me to bend to his will. I think I love pain like I love cutting my self it’s my cyanide and rainbows. Suicidal people can’t live there constantly dying. People don’t understand why I’m addicted to cutting. The high never diminishes, it cost nothing. I don’t understand why people care it’s just a warning to everyone that I could die any second. I felt so inhumane when he touched me, why do I keep consenting to these guys that treat me Like ima bitch.

Right now I can’t feel a thing cause I’m high. My Italian friend got me high out of my mind and then kissed me slowly. He didn’t do anything I didn’t like. He cared it was strange to be respected but that’s really what I wanted. I didn’t wanna live my life broken, I wanted to pretend I was healing, surround myself with positivity, until I in fact became positive. My heart was cold. My heart is cold. I’m glad I said no but I could have said no more often I wish I wasn’t pressured.

I like older men for maturity, but what if maturity isn’t even available

I don’t wanna sleep alone

I don’t wanna know alone

I’ve known alone for to long

[weepingenemyharmony]

Your literally my prince charming, but I don’t know if your my greatest fear