welcometowcwmondaynitro

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 30/09/1996

Are you ready? I am. After last week’s debacle I am expecting WCW to make up for making me sit through some of the worst matches in the history of Nitro. A show that genuinely had High Voltage Vs The Amazing French Canadians pencilled in as the main event, even if Hall and Nash ultimately took the place of the AFC. Last week’s show was frankly a disgrace and I was not amused. Time for WCW to put things right, so let’s go.

Tony excitedly welcomes us to the show and announces that we’re broadcasting from Cleveland, Ohio. Larry then interjects dryly by adding “yeah, the mistake on the lake”. Is there anywhere in America that Larry actually likes? Well anyway, Tony, still in his excited voice, dismisses Larry by saying “not at all!” and bigs up the Cleveland Indians and the rock and roll hall of fame.

Tony is literally wearing the exact same butler outfit from last week. I will say that I’m impressed with Larry – he’s looking smart. In a boomerish way, but still, compared to his usual attire this is fine. Admittedly there is a part of me that enjoys ripping on Larry’s fashion choices, but still, it’s nice to see that he does have some normal clothes in his wardrobe.

The Butler says last week’s nWo invasion was “the lowest point in the history of this great live television program, each and every Monday”. Unnecessarily long sentence aside, I agree. Last week’s card was indeed a low point in WCW history. I know that isn’t what Tony is referring to, but let’s be real, it was a joke that nobody laughed at. When you’ve got some ballbag called Bo LeDouche in your semi-main event taking on a fake Sting then you’ve got some serious work to do. That was a bit mean actually, I’ve got nothing against Bo and I hope he’s doing good now. I’m just lashing out, so I apologise. To Bo, not to WCW. Fuck them for last week’s program.

They show footage of the nWo racecar being presented last week, and then Tony says the nWo claim that Kyle Petty is their driver – something both Tony and Larry laugh off. Joke’s on them though, as Kyle Petty did indeed drive for the New World Order.

Here’s the man himself, chilling with his boys. Not sure where Hollywood is though. I guess he had more important things to do, like film The Three Ninjas. If we’re talking ninjas though, why wasn’t Glacier in that movie? Probably because they’d get sued by Midway for ripping off Mortal Kombat. But I digress.

Tony throws it over to Eric Bischoff at the big boy table, who has a statement to make.

Eric references being slapped around by the “New World Odor”, using Larry’s awful phrase, but says it isn’t about him, it’s about the history of WCW. Eric says this is about WCW’s roots going back to 1905. He namedrops Lou Thesz,  the Funks, Pat O’Connor and Dusty Rhodes. He says that may not mean anything to the nWo, but it means “a lot of things to a lot of people”. He claims that WCW aren’t going to stand for it, and it’s going to stop because it isn’t fun anymore and nobody is entertained by it.

I mean, ratings say otherwise, but if we’re talking last week’s show then yeah, sure. Fun and entertaining it was not. Bischoff calls the nWo “dirtbags”, and says the biggest mistake he ever made was hiring Hulk Hogan. He says that Hogan and the “thugs” won’t stop WCW because they’ve worked too hard and too long. “It’s going to stop, no more” Bischoff concludes before handing back to Tony and Larry.

Putting aside the obvious fact that WCW chooses to show and promote a ton of nWo stuff when they don’t have to, and can’t even hire basic security to keep the nWo at bay, this was a good promo from Bischoff. Well delivered, well worded and sincere. A good job, and honestly a better promo than most of his roster could pull off.

“I guess that takes care of that” says a ridiculously naïve Tony, whilst Larry, ever the cynic, asks how Bischoff can promise it’s going to stop when the nWo were using his head “for a speedbag”. Not sure what he means by this – airbag maybe? – but regardless, for once I concur with the living legend. WCW has shown zero ability to get to grips with the nWo, so why would anything change now?

Four minutes in, and we’ve got our first match - for the tag team championships. Juventud Guerrera’s music plays, and my first thought is ‘seriously, after last week they’re giving Juvi and Brad Armstrong a tag title match?’ – but no. Juventud is in fact teaming up with “El Technico”… possibly a distant cousin of El Generico. I mean, okay, it’s a dumb name, but maybe…

Oh. What the fuck is that? It’s like an incredibly low effort CAW inspired by the Portuguese flag. I’m starting to think Juvi should have stuck with Brad “America, fuck yeah” Armstrong, rather than team up with this thing. Besides of which, what criteria was used to decide these two earned a tag title shot? Juvi isn’t even a tag wrestler, and I’m absolutely sure I’ve never seen El Technico before. I question WCW’s decision-making when it comes to naming challengers for the belts. Then again, this is the same company that gave Greg Valentine and John Tenta world title matches against The Giant.

But I mean, just look at this. Look at it. Dude looks like he’s wearing his fucking pyjamas or something. How much did this outfit cost – a few dollars at most? I’m not sure you could even give it away for free. You’re on national television and this is seriously the best you could do? Absolutely ridiculous.

Larry asks Tony to explain what “El Technico” means, because he doesn’t speak Spanish. Bro, can you not make an educated guess? Tony reveals that, shockingly, it means a technical wrestler. So not only does this guy have the blandest look imaginable, but even his name is the most generic term you could possibly come up with. It’s not even a wrestling name, it’s a description of a wrestler. What a joke.

Their opponents, of course, are the tag team champions – Public Enemy.

They look stunned to be brought out as champions, understandably. Rocco has a really creepy grin going on in the background, whilst Grunge is eyeing up the camera like it’s a triple cheeseburger. Bro, calm down. The crowd wave their hands in the air like they just don’t care, as the Enemies of the Public carry their trusty table down to ringside.

Tony notes that at the next PPV Public Enemy will face The Outsiders for the titles. So that’ll be about as long as they hold the belts, then. Although I have to admit it would be a laugh to see Juvi and El Technico win the belts and get utterly murdered by Hall and Nash. I have a suspicion that dream will not become a reality though.

This excited fellow in the crowd is dressed to impress. Why do people come to WCW shows dressed in business attire? I seriously don’t get it. The only reason I can think of is that they’ve come straight to these events from work, but even so, could you not bring a change of clothes? Or just change at the office?

Public Enemy Vs Juventud Guerrera and a CAW created in less than a minute

Juvi and Rocco start things off, as we all wait with unrivalled anticipation for the in-ring debut of El Technico.

Juvi hits Rocco with a springboard hurricanrana…

But it ends up looking like shit, as Rocco just kind of rolls to the mat.

Juvi ends up on the outside of the ring with Rocco, who slams The Juice into the guardrail.

Jesus, it’s apparently been a rough week for the Hulkster.

Then, the moment arrives. The seismic event that we’ve all been waiting for. Juvi tags in the real Big Red Machine, El Technico himself.

Yep, there he is, doing some kind of weird dance, barely in control of his limbs as he enters the ring. Looks like he’s ripping a crazy fart. Rocco looks at this absolute mess in disdain.

Rocco briefly beats on this idiot, then Grunge gets tagged in. Juvi attempts to intervene but gets launched to the outside. El Technico just continues to get wrecked. He hasn’t hit a single offensive move yet. Rocco flips onto El Technico from the apron with the help of his partner.

He lands on Technico with a splat, and this one’s over.

Public Enemy defeat Juventud Guerrera and El Technico via pinfall.

Fucking weak. El Technico wrestled about as well as he dresses. Juvi is just the absolute worst at picking tag team partners.

If there’s one good thing to come out of this, it’s shown below.

Rocco crushes Technico through a table. Looked brutal. Nice.

So, I looked up El Technico on google. Turns out we are being fucking lied to by Tony and Larry. This is not a Mexican wrestler at all. You know who’s under that mask? Billy Kidman. Yes, Billy fucking Kidman. He’s about as Mexican as I am, which for the record, is less than zero percent. Apparently it was originally going to be Juvi and Psychosis teaming up, which would have made more sense, but Psychosis got detained at the border and Billy Kidman dressing up in the shittiest attire imaginable with the shittiest name imaginable was the best WCW could come up with on short notice.

Were there literally no other luchadores available? Brad Armstrong would have been a better choice than this. The guy from last week with the ice cream sprinkles shirt would have been a better choice than this. Glacier would have been better than this. In fact, why not just have Billy Kidman come out as himself? Why did he need to dress up in this horrendous outfit? Would Billy Kidman teaming up with Juvi have made any less sense than Brad Armstrong last week? I can’t believe this is the best they could do. For what it’s worth, El Technico would never be seen again after this. His legacy is this one match where he got wrecked by Public Enemy, and now he only lives in our hearts and minds.

Well anyway, moving on from that nonsense, we now get a short promo from Stinko.

Using his typical charismatic charm, which has to be heard to be fully understood, Malenko tells Alex Wright that he’ll just be another stepping stone on Deano’s quest for the cruiserweight title. “You picked the wrong night, pal” Stinko concludes. In fairness, I don’t think Wright picked anything. I assume the match was set up by the WCW committee.

We now get another “what the big boys wear” commercial.

Such a dumb slogan. Sounds like they’re advertising a clothing line for large toddlers.

It’s Duggan hawking a WCW shirt. If we’re considering ambassadors for a “what the big boys wear” slogan, Duggan is probably the most appropriate choice. He’s basically a gigantic bearded child.

I don’t know what’s going on here, or who that guy is, but the only comment I can make is that this does show that these shirts are insanely stretchy and durable.

We now go to Mike Tenay, who is standing with the lesser Horsemen. I miss Gene.

Mike says that he’s confused, as Mongo isn’t even scheduled to be wrestling tonight. Basically telling him to get the fuck out of here. Mongo retorts that he’s here to fight the nWo. Where was he last week? Maybe he was in Japan, but if so it wasn’t mentioned.

For some reason they give Debra the mic.

Tenay has an incredibly despondent look on his face. He looks like he’s about to burst into tears. This was my expression watching last week’s show. Debra says nothing of importance, as usual.

Tenay says that there are “international bragging rights” on the line when it comes to Benoit’s match with Rick Steiner later on tonight. What does that mean? I thought he was going to announce a Japanese wrestler or something, not Rick Steiner. I know Benoit is Canadian, but he wrestles Americans every week in WCW, so how is this any different? I don’t know. This is the same company that gave us Billy Kidman in a stupid mask and lied that he was Mexican.

Benoit says that Rick Steiner is a great wrestler – eh… – but tonight he’s going to be in the ring with the best. Benoit says tonight he’s going to make a statement, the Horsemen are unparalleled, elite and perennial. Interesting final word there. It basically means something that lasts forever, but can also mean a plant that lives several years, apparently, so apply whichever meaning you think is most appropriate. Benoit’s promo this week was short and straight to the point. No stumbling over words, either. He’s improving a little.

Eric Bischoff at the beginning of the show: The nWo bullshit is going to stop.

Literally less than ten minutes later:

OK. Lots of lying going on tonight.

We start with Hogan making a toast, as his son Nick sits on his lap.

He calls his son “Nasty Nick at Night” which… seems wildly inappropriate, as this boy can’t be more than five or six years old. Maybe he wets the bed or something, I don’t know, but it’s not an acceptable nickname regardless.

Ted DiBiase says that WCW had to foot the bill for this commercial time, because they lost the match at War Games. Alright, fine, but then why does it say at the beginning that the announcement has been paid for by the nWo? More lies. Scott Hall welcomes the WCW guys back from Japan. Nash then holds up a picture of some old guy…

And says how it’s strange you never see Bill Murray and Ross Perot in the same spot. Everyone laughs, but I don’t know who Ross Perot is, so it’s over my head. Seems completely random though. Syxx calls room service for some food.

Nash says he just watched Steve McMichael chatting shit, and claims Debra wants Nash. Wait, is this live? I mean, technically it would have to be considering that interview was a couple of minutes ago. Weird.

Despite the champagne, I have to be honest, this doesn’t look like the most thrilling party. nWo Sting says “champagne for everybody”, which nobody reacts to, and then the… live feed I guess?... ends. Awkward.

Tony confirms that the nWo video was indeed ‘live’, although I would guess that’s a lie as well. Most likely pre-recorded and they already knew McMichael was going to chat some shit about them in a promo. Oh well, really, who cares.

We return to the arena, and the music of the most charismatic wrestler of the 90s lets us know who is coming out next.

Deano Machino, carrying what appears to be a Rey Mysterio Jr mask.

As Deano heads down to the ring, Larry asks if Debra is really going out with Nash. Tony is very offended by this for some reason, asking with irritation if Larry really believes anything “those liars say” – glass houses, Mr. Here’s-El-Technico-From-Mexico – “why would you ask me something like that?”. Larry responds that he doesn’t trust women, and Tony says “neither do I”. Some good old misogyny from our supposedly babyface commentators. You two aren’t exactly bastions of honesty yourselves.

Tony informs us that the reason Malenko has Mysterio’s mask is because he ripped it off Rey’s head during an interview on WCW Saturday Night, at which point Tony threw his jacket over Rey to keep his identity a secret. Larry asks if Rey is that ugly. Tony rebukes Larry by reminding him that the mask is “sacred” in Mexico, and that he didn’t see what Rey looked like because Rey had his face on the concrete.

I find it hard to believe that neither Tony nor Larry have ever seen Rey without his mask on, but yeah, whatever.

Stinko’s opponent is “Das BlunderKind” Alex Wright. There are some audible boos as the young German heads to the ring. He’s not a heel at this point, but I think it’s established by now that as far as the WCW audience is concerned, anyone outside of the US and Canada = bad guy. Juvi and Psychosis have faced the same crowd reaction despite not doing anything to earn their scorn besides not being American.

Dean Malenko Vs “Das BlunderKind” Alex Wright

Tony claims that the reason the nWo are at the Marriott Hotel (where the ‘party’ is apparently being held) is because the WCW wrestlers are back from Japan, saying “that’s just like them” and basically insinuating that they’re cowards. Can’t help but call bullshit on this, as the nWo have very much enjoyed getting into a good old ruckus with the WCW lads over the past few weeks. Don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest they’re too scared to show up. It’s not like the WCW crew did a great job repelling the nWo pre-Japan, so why would it be any different now?

Some early chain and mat wrestling from Deano and Alex. Very technical, very smooth. Pretty much what you’d expect from these two. We go to a commercial with Malenko in control, and when we come back Tony says it’s been all Malenko during the break.  

They end up on the outside, and Malenko whips Alex into the guardrail.

Dude with the business suit on is getting an action shot with his big 90s camera. Who could have predicted that one day you’d be taking photos in much better quality on a mobile phone?

Alex attempts to flip back into the ring and catch Deano with a sunset flip, but no dice. Deano places Rey’s mask onto the corner ring post.

Rey Postierio. Larry says “it looks better on the pole”, Tony says “it does not, as a matter of fact”. Tony really is no fun at all.

Alex fires back with some punches and uppercuts in the corner, then gives Dean a back body drop. Rather than discuss the match, Tony and Larry instead talk about how Sting isn’t here. Tony says he’s now being referred to as “the lone wolf”, but I’m pretty sure Tony is the only one calling Sting that.

Larry blasts Sting, saying he’s having a temper tantrum. Evidently he hasn’t learned his lesson as far as Sting is concerned - however, with that said I tend to agree with Larry Z. Keeping in mind the reason everyone suspected Sting was because he, by his own admission, ghosted everyone and went into hiding after the nWo Sting’s initial appearance. Yes, the WCW guys should have known it wasn’t Sting who attacked Luger, but still.

Stinko goes flying, but Alex dives out of the way. He rolls Deano up, and gets the surprise victory!

The crowd cheer, having seemingly been won over by Wright’s resilience. Larry and Tony are absolutely stunned at this upset. Larry says “Malenko has got to be disgusted with himself”. Jeez, going a bit far there bro. It’s not like Stinko was wrestling Ronald McDonald. Mr Wright is a solid wrestler, always capable of an upset, but listening to Tony and Larry you’d think this was Wright’s debut match or something.  

Kudos to Alex Wright, anyway. I never really cared for him as kid, but rewatching Nitro as an adult I find he consistently has good matches with a variety of opponents. You know if Alex is wrestling it’s going to be a decent match, which you certainly can’t say for a lot of others… cough Jim Duggan.

Alex Wright defeats Dean Malenko via pinfall.

We get a recap of Macho Man wrestling Big Bubba on Saturday Night. Liz is watching from the entranceway, as Macho hits the big elbow. For some reason Mark Curtis tries to stop Macho going up for a second big elbow, and Macho tosses him out of the ring as a result.

Fair enough imo. Macho wasn’t doing anything wrong. Get out of the way, moustache. Nick Patrick comes out and takes a punch.

Good. Tony says he condones this. Larry doesn’t.

Back to Nitro, where we’re about to have an interview with the Macho Man himself. This should be good. Tenay introduces the Macho Man, and his music plays, but nobody shows up. Tenay says he doesn’t understand what’s going on, and the crowd boos. Oh well.

We get a ten second promo from Eddie, who says he’s looking forward to locking horns with Jim Powers. I daresay he is, as that’s basically a guaranteed victory.

We come back from the break to this.

Uh… what’s going on? Did someone mummify Tenta?

No, it’s just a Halloween Havoc/Slim Jim commercial starring Macho Man in a Frankenstein’s monster mask. As James Rolfe would remind us if he was here, it was before 5:40 and actually cared about this nonsense, “Frankenstein is the name of the doctor, not the monster”.

Apparently there’s a competition where you can win a customised Slim Jim monster truck.

Could I just have a cash prize instead?

Oh, look, a cameo from Sister Abigail. I guess she was tight with Macho before hooking up with Bray. That would actually explain a lot.

Jeez, this advert goes on for a long time. Suddenly Ric Flair shows up.

With a couple of blondes, of course.

Macho tells Flair to get lost, but Flair wants to sign up to the sweepstakes. Macho just told you how to do it, bruh, are you deaf? Also the music in the background is the music they used for Thunder when it debuted. Good old stock turner music. Macho says he’ll mash Flair like a pumpkin as Flair leaves this fever dream.

Finally we return to the arena, and here comes WCW’s resident jobber.

With the godfather, aka peanut head, aka buttinski, Teddy Long.

There’s a bunch of dickheads in the crowd with nWo placards. I’d be pissed if that was blocking my view. Also Nick Patrick is wearing a neck brace, presumably due to Savage attacking him on Saturday Night. You’d think WCW wouldn’t force him to work in that condition, but apparently they give no fucks about Patrick’s health.

Eddie gets some major pyro as he comes out. Nice.

Jim “Jobber” Powers Vs. Eddie Guerrero

We know who is going to win, it’s just a case of how long it takes.

1996 Olympics silver medallist Matt Ghaffari is back again – he must be quite the WCW fan. I took a quick look at Wikipedia and it turns out Ghaffari was scouted by WCW, but ultimately didn’t sign on with them. Looks like he wrestled a bit in Japan in the early-2000s and that was about it. What could have been. Larry claims that Ghaffari has been asking him for tips on how to win the gold medal. Why lie, Larry?

Tony notes that the crowd loved Macho Man beating up Patrick on Saturday. Larry asks if the crowd can’t see the instability of Savage, seemingly failing to grasp that this is why people like him in the first place. Also Patrick is a bellend, so obviously people are going to be happy to see somebody smack him around.

Larry is worried because Savage is the one tasked with beating Hogan, and seems to be emotionally unstable. Tony says Savage isn’t the only one fighting the nWo, and brings up Public Enemy, which only seems to strengthen Larry’s point if we’re being honest.

Jimbo is having a good match so far, pretty much dominating, and hits Eddie with a belly-to-belly. I should note by ‘good match’ I mean Powers is in charge, not that the match is good. It isn’t. Anyway, yeah, nice suplex by Powers.

Not that it matters, as the outcome isn’t in doubt.

The crowd is booing, but I’m not sure if they’re booing the match or the dunces walking around with the nWo signs. Probably the latter.

Tony and Larry are talking about Eddie and DDP fighting at Halloween Havoc, and suggesting that it’s for the Battle Bowl ring, which isn’t a championship and… you know what, we’ve been through this before. Fuck that ring, I wish Duggan had flushed it down the toilet when he had the chance – and himself too.

There’s a mixture of booing and an “nWo” chant. A divided crowd it seems.

Powers hits a nice looking superplex, but only gets a two. A short time later Eddie hits a bridging German suplex.

Powers appears to kick out just before the three, but Patrick counts it anyway and calls for the bell.

Teddy Long remonstrates with Patrick, saying that Powers got the shoulder up. Eddie doesn’t look pleased either. Tony says that Nick made the right call, proving that he is seemingly blind or just wasn’t paying attention. Eddie shakes his head and leaves.

An incensed Long asks whether Patrick “needs to go back to referee school”. Is there a school for referees? Curriculum – how to count to three, then how to count to ten, how to be oblivious to illegal activity outside the ring, then…?

Peanut Head raises Power’s arm in victory – savour that image, it’s the only time you’ll ever see it on WCW Monday Nitro. The crowd boos. By the way, isn’t that the same salcom jacket that Mark Henry wore in his fake retirement angle? Maybe he borrowed it from Long.

Looks like we’re heading back to party central.

The Nasty Boys show up and high five Hogan. The quality of the party is not improving. This is the equivalent of being at a friend’s birthday, then his loudmouth idiot cousins show up. Neither you nor your friends like them, but your friend has to be nice to them because they’re family.

Hogan’s shirt says “Hollywood’s Wolfpack”. Interesting - so Hogan was in fact the originator of the Wolfpac. The fingerpoke of doom suddenly makes sense. Actually no, it doesn’t, but fuck that. I doubt I’ll live long enough to get to a Nitro from 1999.

Hall says it’s a party, and the Nastys say they’re here to party. Yeah, looks off the fucking chain.

Nick has put a wolf mask on, for whatever reason. Nash has put on some glasses, for whatever reason. A really old lady shows up with food. Saggs says that the Nastys love the nWo, and this is more than WCW ever did for them.

Being invited to a cheap motel room with a bunch of middle-aged dudes and a six year old kid is more than WCW ever did for them? Sad if true. Let’s be real though, WCW allowing the Nasty Boys to actually be on television in the first place is more than they deserve at this point.

Saggs says he has something to show everyone.

He gets on the table, says he’s going to do an Eric Bischoff impersonation, then grabs his butt cheeks and moves them apart whilst doing a mocking voice. Thankfully he doesn’t pull down his trousers, but still.

The expressions say it all. You’d think he sharted. Maybe he did. What a fucking chode. Hall looks at the camera with embarrassment, as the ‘live’ feed mercifully ends.

The Nasty Boys, those loudmouth cousins nobody likes.

We’re now backstage with Tenay, who is interviewing Arn Anderson, along with Liz and Woman.

Woman looks extremely annoyed. She probably misses Gene. No groping of Tenay, I guess he isn’t bald enough. Or maybe she just likes creepy moustaches, I don’t know.

Arn is unhappy that Liz has been showing up and watching Randy Savage, and also seems to object to her travelling anywhere whilst the Horsemen were in Japan. Why didn’t they take her along, then?

Jeez, Woman is really not happy. Her voice is soft, but her expression is absolute fury. Kind of terrifying, honestly. She sides with Arn, asking why Liz was showing up and gazing lovingly at the Macho Man instead of taking time off.

Liz says it’s complicated, and she doesn’t know what to say. Alright then. Arn pivots to his match tonight against a “fine young talent”, but doesn’t say who. He tells Liz to get her head in the game, whilst Woman says “business is business”. End of segment. That was fine, I guess. It’s weird that suddenly Liz is infatuated with Macho again, but maybe she spent all of his money and needs more. Keep in mind it was only a few weeks ago that she and the Horsemen were yucking it up over spending Savage’s hard-earned cash.

In the arena, out comes this oaf.

Humorous, get it?

Larry says he doesn’t trust women, again, then says maybe Liz ran out of alimony. Shit, that means Larry and I had the same thought, and now I’m re-evaluating everything about myself.

Glorious guitar riffs from the 80s once again forcibly downgrade my computer to DOS, as American Hero Brad Armstrong makes his entrance. Didn’t we have this match a couple of weeks ago? Do we really need to see it again?

Hugh Morrus Vs Brad Armstrong

During the match, the pyro goes off for hour number two, as we switch to Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan.

This is the most exciting part of the match, as you might expect.

Humorous hits his admittedly impressive No Laughing Matter finisher twice to end this one.

Hugh Morrus defeats Brad Armstrong via pinfall.

Hugh gets far too fucking close to the camera.

Disturbing.

Backstage, Arn, Woman and Liz are arguing again. Is she really worth all of this aggravation anyway? I’m sure they’ll do just fine without her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s a beautiful girl and I’m sure she’s a joy to be with, but as Arn and Woman keep repeating… it’s business. So shut the fuck up with this nonsense and get on with it.

We’re now at the announce desk with the Three Amigos. As always, Tenay radiates old-school belt-whippin’ dad energy. Bischoff says he’s going to find out what hotel the nWo are at. Bruh, it’s the Marriott, this was already established. Keep up.

Bischoff says that he’s leaving, much to the confusion of Tenay and Heenan, and says that Tony is welcome to come and take his place. A seat at the big boy table for Tony this week, but at the expense of having to do double the work for presumably the same amount of money. Life is this way sometimes.

Next out is the Lionheart.

God his theme music sucks.

His opponent is Arn Anderson, with Woman. Liz is nowhere to be seen. Damn I love that Horsemen shirt design. I would buy that for a price far above what is reasonable to pay. Not the one Arn is wearing, but a new one in my size. Just to be clear.

Chris Jericho Vs Arn Anderson (w/Woman)

Tony joins Tenay and Heenan at the booth – the first time this trio will commentate together, but certainly not the last time. Tony says he backs Bischoff 100%, and he knows where Bischoff’s loyalties lie. Oh, Tony. You poor naïve simpleton. Heenan, a lot smarter, postulates that Bischoff may well be part of the nWo, which Tony dismisses out of hand. Heenan then suggests Macho won’t join the nWo, due to his hatred for Hogan, so he’s not quite Nostradamus.

Tenay talks about Jericho’s high flying style, as the crowds sits on their hands watching Jericho put a wristlock on Anderson in a match that could best be described as starting off slowly. Liz meanwhile is shown backstage watching on a monitor.

A tiny, tiny monitor.

I have to say I’m not entirely sure what it is that’s stopping Liz from being at ringside. Neither Macho nor the nWo are around, so what’s the problem?

Arn rolls outside, which causes Jericho to launch himself at the Enforcer.

Woman gets in Jericho’s face and slaps him, after which Arn gives him a few punches. Heenan suggests that Jericho might have said something derogatory towards Woman, to which Tony replies “what’s wrong with that?”. Damn, did Tony and his wife have an argument before this show started? Normally he’s pretty chill when it comes to the women, dismissing Larry’s bullshit sexism, but tonight he’s letting the dark side take over. Very disappointing, I expect better from our favourite Butler.

Anyhow, Arn slams Jericho’s head into the steel steps. Patrick isn’t counting either man out because it’s WCW, and rules are only rules when the storyline deems them to be necessary. Liz gets up from watching the monitor and walks off. Not sure where she’s going, but she doesn’t come out to ringside.

Jericho is in total control of Double A, and hits him with a back elbow from the top turnbuckle as Woman screams in despair.

Jericho attempts the Lionsault, but Arn rolls out of the way.

Lionsault. Do Lions even do somersaults? That would be impressive.

Arn takes advantage of this mistake and spikes Jericho with a DDT.

And that’s that. Good outing for Jericho, even in defeat, but the match wasn’t anything special.

Arn Anderson (w/Woman) defeats Chris Jericho via pinfall.

The Horsemen music plays for about three seconds then stops. OK then.

Tony runs down the card for the second hour, then it cuts to the back, where Liz has her bags and seems to be leaving the arena.

Bischoff has apparently also left the arena, to go and confront the nWo at their hotel room. I can see that ending well.

Out comes the man now known as M. Wallsteet. I’d prefer M. Bison. Looking in better condition than last week, at least, but I don’t think the business suit is optimal attire. Better than El Technico’s pyjamas though. Fucking El Technico. El Bullshit.

He’ll be facing Flexy Lexy. No prizes for guessing who wins this one.

M. Wallstreet Vs Lex Luger

Neither you nor me cares about this match, so let’s skip to the finish as it inexplicably lasts seven minutes.

Back to the stock market for you, M.

Lex Luger defeats M. Wallstreet via submission.

The Faces of Fear make random grunty noises in the background whilst Jimmy Hart says of the Rock & Roll Express “this is the night the music dies”. Think that happened once the 80s finished, as far as the Rock & Roll Express are concerned.

Tony says that it takes a big company to admit their mistakes, and they all agree that bringing Hogan to WCW was a mistake. The financials and ratings say otherwise, but yeah, okay. Tony says that WCW also got it wrong about Sting, and they want to give him a peace offering. This is their idea of making things right.

Fuck me. A race car named after Sting, with an ugly, bloated face on the bonnet which looks more like Brian Knobbs wearing KISS facepaint. Why would Sting give a single shit about this, and why is WCW so obsessed with customised race cars lately anyway?

A peace offering? This just looks like they’re mocking him. “That’s his likeness on the front of it,” says Tony, further adding to the mockery. “Sting, we want you to come back to WCW, we were wrong” says Tony. Yes, you were, and judging by this attempt at a ‘peace offering’ you still are.

Out come The Faces of Fear, with the mouth of the south.

Their opponents are the 80s timewarp known as the Rock & Roll Express. Tenay calls them “one of the great teams of the 1980s, trying to expand into the 90s”. It’s already 1996, how much longer are they going to try?

The Faces of Fear Vs The Rock & Roll Express

Morton attempts punching Meng in the head, which is about as useful as throwing your fist against a brick wall. Zero effect. Morton then repeatedly attempts a sleeper on Meng, which also does nothing to help. Barbarian gets tagged in and starts beating on Morton as well.

A weird thing happens where both Morton and Gibson are in the ring, attempting pins on Barbarian. The ref is, for reasons beyond my understanding, counting pins for Gibson even though he hasn’t tagged in. This isn’t a tornado tag, so the ref is just being incompetent as usual. Both Morton and Gibson then attempt pinning Barbarian at once.

Barbarian kicks out, but why is the ref even counting in the first place? This is blatantly illegal. WCW, where rules go to die.

Gibson is then officially tagged in, but why even bother if there are no rules? The ref then proceeds to shove Barbarian over and count a pin by Gibson, which Barbarian again kicks out of. Mark Curtis is making an enemy of these guys, and that isn’t going to end well. Shave that tash and sort yourself out before Meng finishes you.

Morton ends up back in the ring, but is just getting demolished. Gibson attempts to get a “rock and roll” chant going, but the crowd ignore him. Considering the glacial speed of this match, most of them are probably asleep. Speaking of which, where’s Glacier at? More importantly, where’s my man the Train at? What even is an Ice Train? A train made of ice? A train covered in ice? A play on the phrase ‘eye strain’? How does it relate to Ice Train himself? A chill bro who runs through his opponents like a train, maybe?

I don’t know, I’m just bored and chatting shit.

OK, what’s going on in this match…

Oh, Barbarian just pinned Gibson and the match is over. Good. Morton is strolling around in the background, not bothering to break up the pin, but that’s fine by me. Reminds me of the old Smackdown games on the PS2, when you’d press L2 or whatever for your partner to come in and make the save, but the CPU would just wander over casually and not get there in time. Fucking useless CPU.

The Faces of Fear defeat the 80s via pinfall.

Morton tries to grab Barbarian by the hair, but Meng just boots him in the head and out of the ring.

Fucking beautiful. Punting him right back to the 80s where he belongs.

The Faces of Fear continue to beat on Gibson, which brings out Public Enemy.

Not sure why they felt the need to come out and stick their noses in this. Why would they care? I guess they just felt like getting a beating, as the Faces of Fear proceed to toss Rocco out of the ring and then smash Grunge’s knee – which apparently is already injured?

I assume this was done to give Public Enemy an out for losing to the Outsiders, but is that honestly necessary? Even at 200% nobody is buying Public Enemy beating Hall and Nash.

Back to the shittiest party in history. Knobbs is eating, of course. Not just eating, but literally stuffing his face. Saggs looks bored.

The camera pans to Hollywood, and the bearded guy with the ponytail sitting behind him is Kyle Petty. So much for Tony and Larry’s declarations that Petty would never entertain joining the nWo. Wrong again. DiBiase is ordering more champagne, but it’s going to take a lot more than that to save this dire situation. Seriously, why not get some women there instead? The ratio is 100% male and that’s no party. Particularly when one of those males is a six year old boy, and two of them are Knobbs and Saggs.

Kyle Petty speaks. He says that he was offered the WCW car, but he didn’t even know WCW had a car.

There’s a momentary pause before everyone starts fake laughing at this. Awkward. Hogan says Macho is going down at Halloween Havoc, as the ‘live feed’ ends.

It’s time for our main event.

I assume Benoit is there somewhere. Maybe he’s in Mongo’s briefcase.

“Here’s a story of two brothers, Rick and Scott…”

Rick comes out barking, and the crowd barks back at him, which I have to reiterate is not helpful for his clinical lycanthropy at all.

Heenan sarcastically remarks “nice name” as Tony calls Steiner ‘the dog faced gremlin’. “Hi mom, I’m dating the dog faced gremlin” Heenan remarks. I laughed.

Patrick gets too close to the camera and says he’s working hurt, and asks if we see anyone else out here working hurt. No, but this isn’t the flex you think it is, Nick. It just makes you look stupid and WCW look like horrible employers. Patrick says he is the law around here, and he will enforce the rules. Well, that would certainly be a first as far as WCW is concerned, but why is Patrick cutting a promo anyway?

Tony says this match will be “a dandy”. He really needs to stop saying that.

Chris Benoit Vs Rick Steiner

We get a Halloween Havoc promo advert. It’s all going well until the promo guy says The Outsiders will face Harlem Heat. Either he just spoiled a title change happening before Halloween Havoc, or this video was taped before the title change happened – but that was last week, so there’s no excuse for WCW not to have edited this. It suggests that, bafflingly, the decision to put the titles on Public Enemy was a last minute call. I don’t think the Heat are injured, so why? Maybe one of them is injured. I can’t think of any other reason for this.

As Benoit and Steiner hug it out in the corner, Tony tells us all that some guy from the production staff has a new job and is leaving. Good for him, but who cares?

The match is a bit of a brawl, before Steiner launches Benoit with a German suplex. He gets some serious air time.

Rough landing.

Mostly back and forth between these two, nothing special. It’s a Rick Steiner singles match, so you’re not getting a classic regardless of the opponent. Mainly just a few solid suplexes and a lot of barking.

Debra gets on the apron and distracts the ref, as Benoit and Steiner are in the corner. Mongo slips into the ring and winds up to whack Steiner with the briefcase.

Easy as that.

Chris Benoit defeats Rick Steiner via pinfall.

Tony blames Nick Patrick for being distracted and not hearing Mongo’s attack, as if every ref in existence wouldn’t be just as oblivious in the same situation.

We’re back at the ‘party’, which is more like a wake. You may notice that Liz is now in attendance, sitting beside the Giant. Apparently she thought this shindig looked too wild to miss. Considering the male-to-female ratio here, and the fact Liz looks both scared and miserable, it’s an uncomfortable scene to say the least. There’s also the nWo music playing in the background, which Scott Hall called “the soundtrack to your favourite adult movie” last week, so… yeah. Thank god WCW was PG.

Giant is trying to sell the nWo to Liz. I would ask why they want her, but they do need to do something about the gender ratio, so, sure.

Vincent shows up with a large present. Hogan doesn’t seem to care, instead continuing where Giant left off and attempting to convince Liz to become a part of the nWo. Liz says Hogan doesn’t understand, and everything’s changed. I don’t really know what’s going on, honestly. Why did Liz come to the nWo’s hotel alone to begin with if she wasn’t interested in being a part of the group?

The nWo lose interest in Liz, and instead turn their attention to the present that Vincent brought in. Liz gets up and leaves.

Nobody tries to stop her.

Of course, the Macho Man just happens to turn up at this moment. How convenient. Macho yells that Liz is setting him up again.  He shouts that she’s got to be ribbing, then starts hollering  “son of a bitch”. I’m actually surprised TNT allowed that. Macho is literally screaming in Liz’s face. It’s seriously uncomfortable.

The show ends there. Wait, what? That’s it? What was the present? Where’s Bischoff? Why was Savage standing around yelling at Liz instead of running in and laying a beat down on the nWo?

A bit of a disappointing end. I mean, we might get some of those answers on next week’s show, I guess… but it would have been better if the scene had cut just as Macho stormed into the nWo’s hotel room. Ideally without the whole screaming in Liz’s face part.

Nonetheless, I won’t complain too much. This show was much better than last week’s effort. Not an all time classic, but solid enough, although I am still unhappy with Tony’s turn to the incel side.

Oh yeah, and one more time, fuck El Technico. To paraphrase Orlando Bloom from that episode of Extras where he keeps shitting on Johnny Depp – “El Technico? EL WANKER.”

Actually, one more comment. Aren’t Hogan and DiBiase supposed to be pretty wealthy, as we’ve been told repeatedly by the men themselves and WCW? Why exactly are the nWo staying in this dingy little motel, crammed into some dusty little room? Between Hogan and DiBiase they could have rented out a huge fucking conference room or something. What we saw was just sad, frankly. 

Anyway, that’s it. Bye.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 23/09/1996

We kick off with Tony telling the audience that “we’re off and running” with another action-packed episode of America’s number one wrestling program, WCW Monday Nitro!

I’m ready.

No indication of where we are tonight - small town alert. Let’s see. Google tells me that tonight we are in the Benjamin-Jefferson Civic Center in Birmingham, Alabama. WCW does not seem to like advertising when they are broadcasting from Civic Centers, for some reason.

So this week we’re back to Tony and Larry dressing like idiots. Tony looks like a butler/waiter at some higher-end establishment, whilst Larry is wearing something terrible underneath his jacket. Thankfully whatever that abomination is remains mostly hidden, but still, I can tell just by the small amount I can see that it’s a turgid mess. 

The Butler reminds us that most of WCW’s top stars are in Japan, making it the perfect opportunity for the nWo to strike. Considering how much WCW have played on that you’d think they may be luring the nWo into a trap of some kind... but it’s WCW, so probably not. 

Tony holds up some newspaper with an nWo advert inside.

Tony tells us this was in USA Today, apparently. WCW are so offended by the advert that they show it at the very opening of the show. Makes sense. 

Meanwhile Critic’s Corner/Matt Roush also gets some free publicity. Is that Matt in the photo? Nice beard bro. Not sure about the hat.

Larry goes into some rant about the nWo being parasites, helpfully explaining what a parasite is, but half way through his speech seems to get lost, as his words begin to jumble together and make no sense. He ends by decreeing that Hogan and the Outsiders are “nothing but parasites”.

Tony takes a deep breath as this is happening, before Tony tells us that one man is here - Macho - along with “many other top stars of WCW”. Let’s see. Humorous, Glacier, Super Calo and the Dungeon of Doom don’t count. Ice Train however does count. The Train is awesome. Actually after last week I’ll count Calo too, as that guy is just flat-out insane and as a result earned my respect.

We get footage from Fall Brawl showing the match between Savage and the Giant, including Savage giving Giant an impressive scoop slam.  

More footage of the nWo handing out leaflets. Is this really necessary? Also, I have to reiterate, what a fucking waste of paper. No wonder we barely have any rainforests left - the nWo used them all to make millions of these fucking flyers.

This chilly bro is cutting some kind of promo which I think is anti-nWo, but we can’t really hear what he’s saying.

 We’re ready for our first match of the evening, and it’s involving the Dungeon of Doom. Tony, I told you these idiots do not count as “top stars”.

Good old Taskmaster Konan. 

Konnan strides beside Sullivan speaking Spanglish whilst Sullivan pretends to understand a word of what it being said. It’s like if your grandad was accosted by a random Mexican gangbanger and tried to ‘act cool’ in order not to get capped.

The Dungeon’s opponents are already in the ring.

Well, that’s an... unusual pairing. I’m curious as to how these two were put together. Actually that’s a lie, I don’t really care.

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan & Konnan (w/ Jimmy Hart) Vs. Brad Armstrong & Juventud Guerrera

Mike Tenay joins the commentary team for this match. 

The match starts with Konnan tossing Juvi onto his head via a german suplex, truly suplex city before Brock made that a thing. I’ve just noticed that for some reason Big Bubba is at ringside as well. I hope Glacier runs down and karate kicks him in the face again.

Juvi regains control with a swift headscissors on Konnan. Juvi then flies out to dive onto K-Dogg.

Sullivan could have done something to stop this, but he just stands there and watches. 

Weirdly Tony clarifies the Mexican Heavyweight title isn’t on the line. It’s a tag match, why would anyone have assumed it was?

Juvi gets dumped on his head with a nasty looking cradle DDT, as Mark Curtis does the crab people dance. Konnan goes to tag Sullivan, but Sullivan for some reason refuses, so Konnan goes back on the offence. Once again Konnan goes for a tag, and once again the Taskmaster says no thanks. He evidently doesn’t want to do any work tonight. Maybe he’s upset he didn’t get invited to Japan. 

Juvi tags in American hero Brad Armstrong who immediately kicks Konnan in the gut.

Armstrong gains a little offence but Konnan dropkicks his knee which puts him down. Now Sullivan wants the tag. He tags in and does his stupid little finisher.

The ref counts the pin and for some reason Juvi doesn’t even bother to try and come in to break it up. Maybe he just thought there’s no way my partner is going to be pinned off such a shitty looking move, considering he’s only been in the ring for about a minute. Gamble did not pay off. 

“Taskmaster” Kevin Sullivan and Konnan defeat Brad Armstrong and Juventud Guerrera via pinfall.

Post-match Konnan is annoyed by Sullivan’s reluctance to tag in earlier and shoves him. This leads to Big Bubba attacking Konnan from behind, at which point he and the Taskmaster put the boots to him.

I can only assume Sullivan was very offended by whatever Konnan was saying in Spanish during their entrance. There’s been literally no buildup to this betrayal at all otherwise. Konnan is easily the best member of the Dungeon of Doom from the perspective of being a decent wrestler (Meng aside obviously) so it seems odd to kick him out.

But hold on. Jimmy Hart tells the camera it’s an initiation, as Sullivan pulls Konnan to his feet.

Hold on. Aren’t initiations supposed to happen before you join a group, not weeks/months afterwards? The Dungeon just does everything backwards. What a bunch of idiots. Konnan yells that he’s Dungeon of Doom and everybody is happy. Tenay says this is how Konnan grew up and it’s a gang initiation. OK, firstly, Dungeon of Doom - shittiest gang ever. With that said I would have loved to have seen them in something like The Shield (if you haven’t seen it, watch it). Vic Mackey smacking Jimmy Hart around and cracking him across the skull with his megaphone would have been magnificent. Secondly, again, initiations happen before somebody joins, not some time afterward. Well anyway, Sullivan said in a later interview that Konnan was “forced” into the Dungeon and “didn’t fit in”. No shit, he actually had charisma and talent.

Tony tells us that Chris Jericho and Mike Enos are coming up. Wow, more “top stars”. Keep in mind this isn’t even Jericho of late 1997 or 1998, but rather bland pointless babyface Jericho of 1996.

We pan the crowd and then see footage of the nWo in their limo from last week. Again, what’s the point? This is boring and just filling time. 

Mike is backstage with Macho, and informs him that he’s been publicky targeted by the nWo.

Savage asks “Am I a marked man?” then talks in such a low voice I genuinely can’t hear what he’s saying. Savage yells that even if Hogan cheap shots him “every night and every day” before Halloween Havoc it isn’t going to change anything. Savage calls himself the last hope of WCW. Desperate times. Macho notes that the majority of WCW are booked in Japan, and claims he was too, but he took himself out to stay in the US. Really? Not sure I buy that. I think Macho is just trying to make himself feel better. Kind of like a kid who didn’t get invited to a party, then tells his friend “no, I totally was invited, I just wanted to stay at home and play on my Nintendo”. Sure. Makes sense to stay in the States as the sole target for the nWo. Macho starts talking about multiple lifetimes again, showcasing his Buddhist philosophies once again, and then says “the only thing we have in common is that about 100,000 lifetimes from now we might be the same goldfish swimming in the same water.”

Tenay is just like.... what? Savage straight up admits he’s making no sense, and concludes by saying he’s taking responsibility to wipe Hogan out. 

We’re back to the arena after that craziness, and out comes Mike “Ready” Enos.

Haven’t seen “Rough” recently - wonder if he’s still around? Enos is still wearing the “rough and Ready” vest, regardless.

Larry says that Savage is “confused”. That’s an understatement. 

Jericho comes out, to what Tony calls “rousing applause”, which is more apt to describing the end of a theatre show or something. 

Mike Enos Vs. Chris Jericho

Enos wants to shake Jericho’s hand. Don’t do it, don’t do it...

Idiot.

Match goes back and forth, but ends in a weird way. Enos attempts a powerslam...

But Jericho kind of reverses it into a weak looking takedown...

But apparently that’s enough for the win. 1, 2, 3, Jericho wins. Not sure I’ve ever seen a powerslam reversal before, but based on how shitty this looked that’s probably for the best.

Chris Jericho defeats Mike Enos via pinfall.

Goldberg’s music hits.

But he’s still utilising his previous gimmick as a kung fu master named Pat Tanaka. Shaving his head made a world of difference.

The lights go out, a blue hue descends upon the arena, so that can only mean...

Sub Shredder.

Tony talks about Glacier’s bullshit backstory as if it actually happened. Both Tony and Larry claim it is “literally” snowing in here, which is a blatant lie. Glacier may be a ninja or whatever, but he can’t control the fucking weather. Larry also claims he’s a black belt. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t trust him.

Pat Tanaka Vs. Glacier

These two weirdos circle each other for a while, as the arena lighting remains a pale shade of blue.

An epic showdown. Tanaka attempts a karate chop, but Glacier takes him down with a palm strike. Tanaka then attempts a kick, but he evidently hasn’t played Mortal Kombat, as Glacier counters with Sub Zero’s classic leg sweep.

Tanaka decides to say fuck this martial arts bullshit, and instead just hits Glacier with a sitdown powerbomb. It has little effect, as Glacier gets to his feet and executes a spinning side kick.

Tanaka is down for the count, and this one is over. I am disappointed we didn’t see the Cryonic Kick here. I guess Glacier didn’t hit the correct button combination for his fatality. Oh well.

Glacier defeats Pat Tanaka via pinfall.

Glacier poses in the ring. Larry suggests the nWo are going to recruit Glacier. Just fucking lol at that. I’m sure Hogan and crew have been very impressed with Glacier beating The Gambler, Big Bubba and Pat Tanaka. Sign that man up before he slips away. 

Back from the break and we get a shot of this dude.

Matt Ghaffari. Apparently a silver medalist at the 1996 Olympics. Didn’t win the gold medal with a broken freakin’ neck though, did he? Also, and I’m not trying to be a dick here, but it looks like somebody photoshopped his face to move the eyes and nose slightly higher than they should be. Just saying. Larry calls Ghaffari a “loser” who “couldn’t even win gold”. I’d like to see you try, Larry. Tony actually does call Larry out on this, asking him how many olympic medals he has. Larry claims he wasn’t allowed into the olympics because he was “too mean”. Yeah, OK. Tony laughs at this.

Ugh. Noooooo.

Larry says that Public Enemy - who are carrying a table to ringside, as usual - have “found a loophole” where if you bring a “foreign object” to ringside, but leave it outside the ring, you can use it outside the ring with no consequence. What shit is he chatting? If you bring a knife to ringside and then stab somebody with it you’re going to get disqualified whether you’re in the ring or not. Well, actually, you’re going to get a lot more than disqualified... but anyway, Larry is talking nonsense as usual.

Alright, the Heat. Now this is a bit better, but I really wish they weren’t accompanied by that dicksplash Col. Parker. Booker comes out yelling that the Heat “are going to hurt somebody”. if only it was that buttwipe behind you wearing the stupid hat.

Harlem Heat (w/Sister Sherri, Col. Parker) Vs. Public Enemy

 As soon as the bell rings, Stevie Ray chucks Grunge out of the ring. He and Booker then double team Rocco, sending him into the corner and then levelling him with a double boot to the chops.

Their advantage doesn’t last for long, though as Grunge dives off the top rope and hits the Heat with a double clothesline.

Crazy start to the match. Is this a tornado tag? Everyone is in the ring and once and Patrick is just letting it go. Then again, this is WCW, where rules are known to be somewhat fluid. 

Grunge is very pumped up after hitting the double clothesline. He jumps up and starts swivelling his hips like he’s got an invisible hula hoop. The crowd have zero reaction to this. Stevie Ray and Grunge do now get onto the apron, making this a proper tag team match.

After some back and forth, Booker attempts a side kick but somehow ends up straddling the ropes, after which Grunge proceeds to shake them, further increasing the pressure on Booker’s testicles.

Patrick gives Grunge a disapproving finger wag. Grunge ignores him.

The match really isn’t much to write home about. However, all of a sudden...

We move to split screen, so that we can see the nWo arriving. For some reason the Giant is also dressed like a waiter tonight. Did somebody rib Tony and Giant into thinking it was food server fancy dress tonight or something?

Larry suggests they lock the doors to keep them out. Sure, or just, you know, hire actual security to make sure the nWo don’t come in. I appreciate WCW isn’t exactly great when it comes to forward planning, but still. Tony says that if the doors were locked the nWo would just break in, and then says we’ve already seen them smash car windows. Have we? The only person I remember doing that was Sting, when he chucked a giant fucking boulder through the nWo’s limo window. Still can’t get over that. 

Larry says of the nWo “they’re organised, we’ve got Randy Savage who is confused”. Harsh, but ultimately a fair statement. Tony calls the nWo “vandals”, which... yeah, sure, but so what? 

Meanwhile back at the match, Booker attempts a Harlem Hangover but misses.

Next, Booker rolls Rocco into a small package.

Rocco then adjusts so that Booker’s shoulders are on the mat.

Let’s be clear - you can see from this image that it is literally impossible for Rocco’s shoulders to be on the mat. He is laying on his side. Booker meanwhile is on his back. Patrick counts the three, and for some reason both men run to the corners celebrating victory.

Also Harlem Heat’s music starts playing. Dafuq. You all saw that still image I posted - there’s no ambiguity there about who was pinning who. 

Patrick, completely correctly, calls a Public Enemy win. The music changes from Harlem heat to Public Enemy. Why was Heat’s music playing in the first place? Anyway, Harlem Heat along with Sherri and Parker are furious, ganging up on Patrick.

Even though he has absolutely made the right call here. 

Public Enemy are, incredibly, new tag team champs. God only knows why this decision was made. I do like the ECW sign being held up as Rocco holds the belts up. Well captured, albeit probably totally unintentional. 

Grunge celebrates in front of this old woman, who looks at him like he’s a fucking dirtbag. 

Bruh, what is this shirt. If you paid anything more than $0 for this you were ripped off.

Public Enemy def. Harlem Heat via Pinfall to win the Tag Team Titles. 

 We come back from a commercial break to... this.

When you buy Arn Anderson off wish.com.

Fireworks go off as we begin hour number two.

We also switch to Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan on commentary.

I really liked WCW’s entranceway. Very cool design. 

That’s not so cool. At least Valentino isn’t with him this week. I like how Valentine’s entrance music is just a bunch of heavy guitar riffs. Doesn’t suit him at all. With that said, I’m not sure what would suit him. At this point in time probably just not wrestling.

The crowd pops big for everyone’s favourite lunatic, the Macho man. Gee, I wonder who’s going to win this one?

Greg “the hammer” Valentine Vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Macho starts off strong with some punches in the corner, but the hammer manages to take Macho down with a back elbow. His butt is jiggling all over the place and it’s gross. No picture, I refuse.

The announcers talk about how everybody is in Japan, so Macho is on his own. Except, that isn’t true, is it? There are still plenty of WCW personnel around. Just because the big names aren’t here doesn’t mean Harlem Heat, Public Enemy, the Dungeon, Jericho, Pat Tanaka, Glacier... okay, actually never mind.

Valentine drops an elbow straight onto Macho’s dick and balls. Brutal. The crowd are like “ohhhh” and Mark Curtis is like...

Uh...

Anyway, Valentine decides now he’s going to put his face down there too.

This is just getting disturbing now.

So, Bischoff informs us that Super Calo dislocated his elbow earlier and is going to the hospital. Wait, what? Super Calo? What bullshit is this. Well I just checked and apparently Calo and Rey Mysterio had a dark match before the show went on the air for the cruiserweight title.

Alright, to quote Lex Luger, I’m pissed now. You showed fucking Glacier Vs. Pat Tanaka, Jericho Vs Mike Enos, The Dungeon Vs. Juvi and Brad Armstrong, but you left REY MYSTERIO AND SUPER FUCKING CALO OFF THE SHOW? YOU FUCKERS. I’m incensed. Especially as Calo apparently did something so crazy that he actually injured himself. Recalling his match against Konnan, I’m not surprised, but I can only imagine what he did to hurt himself. Dude bounced around like he was made of rubber or something. Regardless, I’ll never know, because WCW hate their fans. FUCK.

Anyway, Macho is on the guardrail, with Valentine chopping his chest...

And the fans behind him are just laughing. That’s not nice. Also, I must stress again, that dude’s shirt... what, the, fuck. Did he wake up and think “I want to look like ice cream sprinkles today?”

Bischoff says “ambulances have circled the building” in anticipation of the nWo seriously hurting someone. Could have, I don’t know, called the police instead? And I don’t mean the band. It seems a bit defeatist to have multiple ambulances on standby. Also...

For some reason Tony and Larry’s stupid little area is still set up. Wouldn’t it make sense to take that stuff away? 

More fashion nightmares here - and I have to reiterate, I am no fashion guru, but I despair that people think it’s okay to exit their houses wearing stuff like this. Have some respect for yourself, broskis. The guy on the left looks like the loading screen for a Commodore 64. 

To be honest, Savage has spent pretty much the entire match being schooled (very slowly) by Valentine. He basically has had enough, so he just picks up a chair and cracks Valentine over the head with it.

Lol. 

Referee doesn’t call for the bell. OK? Savage gets up onto the top rope and slams the chair over Valentine’s head again.

NOW the ref calls for the bell. Hold on, does that mean Larry was right earlier? That if you use a weapon outside of the ring it’s fine, but do it inside the ring and it’s game over? The fuck, man. Why not just throw your opponent outside, smack him with a chair for a few seconds and then roll him back inside then? What bullshit. Especially when, technically, in WCW it’s a DQ if you throw your opponent over the top rope. Now, I know they rarely actually adhere to that rule, but still...

Throw somebody over the top rope = DQ

Smash somebody in the head with a chair outside of the ring = No problem

Yeah, sure. Whatever. I don’t even care anymore. 

Savage grabs Mark Curtis and tosses him over the top rope. The nWo come out and begin attacking the Macho Man.

Just to be clear, though... the guy who just got himself disqualified by waffling his opponent over the head with a steel chair and who then assaulted the ref is the good guy here. Sure.

Valentine just gets out of the ring and leaves. Lmao. I mean, you can’t really blame him. Savage just smacked him across the head with a chair twice. No reason for Greg to help him out. 

Macho gets hit with the Outsider’s Edge.

Such a cool move. 

Liz appears, for some reason looking concerned. She then runs off into the backstage area. Pointless.

Why would she care, anyway? She’s spent the last however many months being Ric Flair’s FWB and laughing about spending the money Macho was forced to give her from the divorce. Now she’s worried about him?

You may think, well, it’ll be explained eventually. All will become clear. 

No. It’s never explained. She just likes Savage again now.

Lmao. Seriously, what is the Giant wearing? Is he their car valet or something?

Savage takes a jackknife powerbomb. The crowd is now pelting the ring with garbage. 

Giant grabs the mic to introduce “the man and the myth, the man to be with, the all-time greatest professional wrestler in the world. A man who made professional wrestling what it is today. A man who knows no limits. The financial backbone of the nWo. The largest arms in the world. The one, the only, Hollywoooooooooooood Hogaaaaaaaannnnn.”

OK. I thought DiBiase was the financial backbone of the nWo? 

Here comes the Hollywood Hulkster. 

The Giant struts and woos like Ric Flair, whilst Hogan hits a leg drop on Savage.

Tenay says WCW medical staff have sent a gurney to ringside for Macho. Lmao. Wow, nice. Good job. Why not send security instead?

Hogan delivers a second leg drop, then Nash starts whipping Savage with a Slim Jim. Not gonna lie, that made me chuckle.

Yo, that’s a sick shirt. What’s up with all the nWo/Terminator crossover shirts though? I mean, they’re cool, I just don’t get it.

Hogan says something about being blinded by the lights shining off “the Nacho Man’s bald head”. Glass houses, Hulk. Bischoff actually says “what does he see when he looks in the mirror?” - hah. 

Hogan then spraypaints over Macho’s bald spot. It’s kind of funny that WCW are trying to sell this as a serious thing, but whipping Macho with a slim jim and spraypainting his bald spot is just hilarious af. Sorry Macho. 

Hall and Nash leave the ring and head towards the announce booth. Smartly, Heenan legs it, as Bischoff stands up and repeats “wait a minute, wait a minute”. 

Nash shoves Bischoff back into his seat and threatens to punch him.

Nash continues to violently threaten Bischoff, as Hall puts Easy E’s headset back on and tells him to do his job, and do it well. Good advice. Hall also puts a headset on. 

The whole crew are here. Except for the Giant. I guess his shift break was over. 

You can’t help but laugh at this. WCW had a week to prepare for this, the nWo made it clear what they were going to do, and still... this is the end result. No security, no police, no wrestlers acting as muscle. Nothing. They have ambulances circling the building though, so... yeah. If you need to get to the hospital you’re good. Seriously though, they had the bright idea of using jobbers for security literally only weeks ago, then totally abandoned the idea. Why? I get that it must have been crazy boring and the wrestlers aren’t actually paid to be security – but in kayfabe, why did they stop doing this?

The Giant joins the fun as Bischoff presses his head against the desk. Nash pulls him back up and wraps his arm around Bischoff’s shoulders. Hall then announces the newest member of the nWo - Vincent.

Otherwise known as Virgil. And yes, they called him Vincent to poke fun at Vincent Kennedy McMahon. However, I will give this a pass as Vince called him “Virgil” to make fun of Dusty Rhodes. Turnaround is fair play and all of that. The crowd chants “Virgil”, as Virgil/Vincent grabs Bischoff by the hair and yanks his head around. Looks painful.

Bischoff says “we gotta take a break”. The Giant says “why you wanna get broke?” and laughs. Doesn’t even make sense. Don’t quit your day job, bro.

Time for an nWo announcement. It’s just a brief advert for the t-shirt with Hall, Nash and the Giant. 

Hall welcomes us back to “the first ever nWo Monday Nitro”. The actual first nWo nitro will come later, and it won’t be good.

For some reason Hall and Nash are just chatting shit about taking over the NBA, the NFL and Nascar. Good luck. Those companies actually hire security and know who the police are.

Now an nWo car has come out.

I have no idea what is going on.

Bischoff announces we’ve got Jim Powers vs VK Wallstreet coming up. Does he want people to switch channels? Nash calls Powers “a fine young athlete” and Hall says of Wallstreet “what a businessman”. Yeah, all successful businessmen I know have dollar signs emblazoned on their jackets. That’s a sign of class.

Turns out Giant is dressed up like a waiter because he’s going to be the ring announcer going forward. OK. 

“The following contest is against Jim Powers and M. Wallstreet” - literally fucks up the first sentence. Bad start. Also, M Wallstreet? What happened to VK? Oh, btw, the VK was also meant to be a dig at Vince (VK = Vincent Kennedy) but now they’ve dropped it for M... which might as well stand for Mickey Mouse. Maybe they felt they could only have one character as a rib on Vinnie Mac.

Out comes the king of the jobbers, and Teddy Long, who Nash refers to as “peanut head”. Nash also comments that Long is “putting on the poundage”. I mean, he’s not wrong. Nash and Hall also basically make jokes about Jim Powers being on steroids. Not exactly been helping him so far if he is.

M. Wallstreet arrives, looking like a million yen. That’s about £6000, and I’m being generous. 

Jim “Jobber” Powers (w/Peanut Head) Vs. M. Wallstreet

Seriously though, what did any of us do to deserve this match?

  Hall and Nash say “they’re going to get a closer look at this one”, which doesn’t bode well.

Wallstreet meanwhile is looking rough. I guess his stocks are down or something. Bro needs a really, really long nap.

Most of the nWo guys leave the announce desk, but DiBiase and Vincent remain with Bischoff. DiBiase calls Vincent “the CEO of security”. Has such a position ever existed anywhere?

Meanwhile, Hall and Nash have wandered down to the ring and started beating the shit out of Powers on the outside.

This is a new low for Lord Jobberlot. This week he gets beaten down before the match even begins. Sad. Who is that dude on the far left? He’s just standing there chilling whilst the Outsiders murk Jimbo. Seriously, could he look any more casual if he tried? It’s like he’s waiting in line for a soda or something.

There’s also a hot girl standing at ringside who for some reason seems very happy about this situation.

On the far right. Hard to tell from the picture but she isn’t part of the crowd, she’s standing in front of the guardrail beaming like it’s her wedding day or something. Can’t help but wonder if Jimbo did the dirty on this poor girl. It’s either that or she has a fetish for watching men and/or Jim Powers getting beaten up. Maybe she’s in charge of booking him. 

It’s all too much for Randy Anderson.

“This ain’t dubya-cee-dubya, I’m having no part of this” he states as he removes his bowtie and exits the ring. The statement heard around the world.

Giant gets in the ring and announces some shit which amounts to himself being the new opponent for Powers. What happened to Wallstreet by the way? He’s just vanished into thin air. Oh well, no fucks were given. Nick Patrick meanwhile comes out to officiate, which I suppose puts an end to the ambiguity regarding his crooked referee status. Although in typical WCW fashion the whole thing was about as subtle as a sledgehammer being smashed into your ballsack.

Giant winds up for the chokeslam, but as he puts his hand around Powers’ neck…

El Jobber Fantastico literally just falls to the mat. He’s been so conditioned to job that he skips past the actual finish and just falls down to be pinned. Sad. It actually looked like one of those glitches on the old PS1 wrestling games, where the frames drop and you skip most of the finishing move. I hated it when that happened. Giant looks confused for a moment, then reaches down and grabs Jim’s neck again, hauling him up…

And slamming him down.

You may notice we’ve gone to splitscreen. Why? Because apparently WCW thinks it’s a good idea to show Hogan spraypainting the walls of the arena. No, I’m not kidding.

What a rebel. This is a guy in his forties, by the way. A guy who has two kids. Going around tagging walls like a street thug. How cool. Fucking boomer.

Hogan sings “hooray for Hollywooood” in a really weird voice that makes this scene even less cool. 

Hogan starts chatting with the Nasty Boys – who cares? He gives them the key to his hotel suite and tells them to pop the champagne corks, saying he wants to talk business with them. Find better business partners. He also hands Knobbs the WCW Heavyweight title to take back to the hotel room. The sight of Knobbs with the strap makes me feel despondency in a way I can’t describe, so I’m not even going to show a screenshot of that.

Hogan gurns at the camera and continues to sing “hooray for Hollywood”. Words cannot do justice in describing how fucking irritating he sounds.

Bruh, just stop it already.

We go to a break, and come back to this.

Bischoff reflecting how I’m feeling, watching Hogan behave like the biggest fucking dork in existence. He’s wearing Macho Man’s hat now. He looks like a dicksplash.

Jim Duggan’s music starts playing. Oh lord, why is this just getting worse? Those poor fans. Just shitty match after shitty match. They aren’t even seeing the majority of the nWo stuff going on.

Oh, I guess the Powers Vs Wallstreet/Giant match ended? Or did it even begin? I don’t know.

Jim Powers’ match ended with him jobbing to the entire nWo.

Anyhow, let’s see what riveting television is about to occur with everyone’s favourite patriotic dunce making an appearance.

As Duggan comes out, the Giant announces “Jim Duggan versus Ron Studd” – bro, how are you this bad at ring announcing? You’re supposed to announce people as they enter, not both competitors at once.

Duggan comes out screaming “HOOOOO”. Terrifying.

Before Ron Studd enters, Hall repeats three times that “he’s a comer”. I don’t know what that means exactly, but it sounds worryingly sexual.

The Vanilla Gorilla waddles out, pointing at Duggan whilst muttering something incomprehensible. He looks a bit deranged.

Before Studd can get to the ring, Hogan walks in front of him and shakes his hand.

Studd appears utterly baffled as Hogan speaks, like the human language itself is beyond his ability to grasp.

Hogan and Nash then start beating down The Super Giant Ninja.

Small personal story, but I have a very vivid memory of watching this from when I was a kid. For some reason it’s a scene that stuck with me. Only one problem – I don’t exactly remember it happening this way. I have a very clear memory of Studd standing on the top of the entrance ramp, the camera behind him. Hall and Nash then attack Studd as he turns around. I am somewhat sure this is the only time our beloved Vanilla Gorilla got attacked by the nWo, however, so I guess we put it down to the Mandela effect. Or my brain having a shitty memory. Probably that one, actually. Hogan jabs Studd with a hilariously weak chair shot to the neck area. The nWo theme plays and Hall calls it “the soundtrack to your favourite adult movie”.

For what it’s worth, I’m not sure we can be too harsh on Hollywood here. Let’s not forget that Studd was the infamous Yetay, who dry-humped Hogan into oblivion at Halloween Havoc ’95. You could argue Mr Studd had this coming. A long overdue receipt from the Hulkster. Justified.

Syxx is announced as Hacksaw’s new opponent, and he’s standing on the turnbuckle preparing to have a battle of wits with the man built like an overweight fridge.

I mean, it’s a bit of an upgrade from Duggan Vs Studd… but no matter who the opponent, a match with Duggan has a ceiling. Shawn Michaels in his heyday might manage a two star match at best. He’d probably get a three star out of a match with Duggan’s 2x4. By that I mean his stick of wood. Uh, wait, I mean… oh fuck it, you know what I mean, get your minds out of the gutter.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan Vs Syxx

Hacksaw gets a “USA” chant going and tries to whack Syxx and then Patrick with his massive piece of wood. Unfortunately he misses both targets, who scramble to the outside.

As Duggan is distracted trying to whomp Patrick with his plank, Syxx sneaks up behind and attacks.

Patrick giving MJ a run for his money with those moves. SHAMONE.

Duggan dominates the early stages.

Check out this homemade nWo shirt in the crowd.

I mean, it’s a better effort than the guy who literally wrote “nWo” on a white shirt with marker pen, but still… the actual merch was out by now. Have some respect for yourself bro.

Syxx is saved by the Giant, who pulls Duggan out to ringside and gives him this awkward looking chokeslam on the ring mats.

Yeah, Duggan is so thicc that Giant actually has to wrap his other arm around Hacksaw’s torso. The “chokeslam” is almost as bad as the one Rick Steiner took some time back. Almost.

Giant rolls Duggan into the ring, and Syxx pins for the win. Not exactly what you’d call a showcase match for Syxx.

Syxx defeats “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan via pinfall.

Hogan, DiBiase and Vincent continue to bully Bischoff at the announce booth. DiBiase has said to Bischoff more than once “if you can’t beat them, join them”, or some variant. Foreshadowing? Maybe, but I don’t think I can bring myself to believe WCW were thinking that far ahead.

After a WCW Magazine advert which promises an interview with Glacier - get fucked - Sting’s entrance music hits.

Apparently the car is called “nWo Sting”. OK. Were they so desperate to get this name graphic up that they couldn’t wait five seconds for the wrestler to come out of the entranceway?

New World Order’s “we have Sting at home” comes out slapping hands with the WCW faithful. Bischoff calls him a cheap knock off, etc. I’m surprised he even recognises that this is an imposter. I was expecting that Bischoff would start crying about Sting defecting again.”Only a sucker would fall for it, and yes, WCW fell for it”, says Bischoff. I mean – where’s the lie? – but way to bury yourself and everyone else in WCW. “Never again”. Yeah, we’ll see about that chief.

The bell rings and nWo Sting lets out a lame “wooooo”.

There’s some big bald guy in the ring who, from behind, looks like a slightly slimmer Otis. He didn’t get an introduction and I don’t know who he is. To the internet…

Bo LeDeau. Bo LeDeau. Who the fuck is Bo LeDeau?

nWo Sting Vs. Bo LeDeau

Bo gets beaten in around a minute. Thanks for coming. I don’t think we ever see him again in WCW or anywhere else. On the basis of this match I guess that’s for the best. The crowd chant “we want Sting”. Well, instead you got fucking Bo.

nWo Sting defeats Bo LeDouche via submission.

Another pathetic match on what has been a largely pathetic night for actual wrestling. We got this fucking nonsense and missed out on Rey Mysterio Jr Vs Super Calo, in a match where Calo went so crazy he actually injured himself. Life fucking sucks.

DANGER, HIGH VOLTAGE, says the arena speakers as Kaos and Rage come out, flailing around like they’ve just dropped a ton of speed, as always.

Kaos yells at the camera that High Voltage are “high on life”. On life. Yeah, sure.

Their opponents…

You have got to be shitting me. This is the main event of the show for fuck’s sake. THE MAIN EVENT IS HIGH VOLTAGE VERSUS THE AMAZING FRENCH FUCKING CANADIANS. How was WWE losing the ratings war to this? Seriously, how? What the fuck did they have on their show that was so bad that this bullshit was the better option?

High Voltage Vs The Amazing French Canadians

I’m begging for the nWo guys to come down and hand out another beating. Please.

Bald spot asks for everyone to stand up and sing the Canadian national anthem.

Yes, thank god. Here come the lads to save us from this fucking atrocity. “Those are our boys” says Hollywood on commentary. Agreed. No wonder the nWo became babyfaces if they were breaking up shit matches like this. They were doing us all a favour.

Sadly the Amazing French Canadians do not take a beating – instead they just leave, and Hall and Nash take their places. That’s fine too, I guess.

High Voltage Vs The Outsiders

Total domination from start to finish by the Outsiders. It ends with Kaos taking a powerbomb.

Embarrassing effort from Rage and Kaos. Low Voltage.

The Outsiders defeat High Voltage via pinfall.

We go back to the announce desk, where the boys are just chatting shit as Bischoff looks on in despair.

They replay the Macho Man getting destroyed whilst Hogan calls him “bald spot”. Stealing my lines.

The show ends with Hogan plugging his next movie, The Three Ninjas, which I wouldn’t advise going out of your way to see. It does lead to something pretty hilarious in WCW’s future, but we’ll get there.

The shows ends with DiBiase laughing maniacally, Vincent bullying Bischoff and Hogan flexing his muscles. Magical.

Look, I know the nWo invasion was new and exciting at the time, but man… I feel sorry for this crowd. What a show to sit through. At least they were given a glimmer of hope with Rey Vs Calo before it all turned to shit. We didn’t even get to see that. Just to confirm, these were the matches tonight:

The Dungeon of Doom Vs Juventud Guerrera and Brad Armstrong Chris Jericho Vs Mike Enos Glacier Vs Pat Tanaka Public Enemy Vs Harlem Heat Greg Valentine Vs Randy Savage The Giant Vs Jim “Jobber” Powers Syxx Vs Jim Duggan nWo Sting Vs Bo LeFuckingDeau The Outsiders Vs High Voltage

When the best match in that list, by a fucking mile, was Chris Jericho Vs Mike Enos then you have problems. Fuck you WCW, and fuck me for even watching this.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 16/09/1996

Alright everyone, let’s GOOOOOO!

This week we get to see where we’re broadcasting from. I guess Asheville, NC isn’t as embarrassing to WCW as the Columbus Civic Center in Georgia. 

First thing to note, Tony and Larry actually look disappointingly normal here. Neither of them are wearing anything horrendous for once, which is good for them but sad for me. 

Tony says he has “bad news to report”, that the nWo won War Games. Larry goes a step further and calls it “horrible news” as we get some still images from the PPV main event. Larry says “if we trusted Sting, like I said, we would have won”. Was Larry actually an advocate for Sting in the past couple of weeks? I can’t really remember. I think the Sting “betrayal” segments happened whilst Bischoff, Tenay and Heenan were at the booth, so I don’t think we got to hear Larry’s take on things. With that said he probably would have talked about ancient empires of gold or some other bollocks and made no sense anyway. 

Look at this kid’s face in this PPV still shot... this child is fucking ANGRY. He looks possessed. No wonder Hogan’s face is like “what the fuck”.   

After running through the ending of War Games, with the nWo winning, Savage getting beaten up as usual and Liz getting her dress spraypainted by the nWo, Tony decides it’s time to make an on-air apology to Sting. He notes that they all thought he was the newest member of the nWo but “he obviously was in Japan, we should have known this.”

I don’t even know what to say to that. Nobody in WCW knew Sting was in fucking JAPAN? Bischoff is the President of the Company and was on commentary bemoaning Sting’s betrayal - HOW COULD THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY NOT HAVE KNOWN STING WAS IN FUCKING JAPAN? Let alone his supposed “best friend” Luger. Are you seriously telling me literally nobody in WCW knew this information? It blows my mind how utterly stupid this is.

Larry says it’s too late for apologies - is it? - and that Sting is a “sensitive man” and should get a job working for Mother Teresa. Keep in mind this “sensitive man” tried to murder somebody by throwing a rock through a limo window and stole a police car literally two weeks ago, but yeah, sure, Mother Teresa would surely be thrilled to have Sting show up to work for her. Anyway, Larry is not sympathetic at all. Frankly if I’m Sting I’d be more worried that the people I’m working with and working for are so incompetent and dumb that they got themselves into a frenzy about my supposed betrayal (on national TV no less) despite the fact I was in Japan on company business. 

Nonetheless, we get a shot of these fellows handing out nWo flyers at the arena entrance. WCW, for some reason, think it’s a good idea to show the audience this. Also is it me or does that guy in the middle look a bit like a long-lost relative of Bret Hart?

4 minutes into the show and we get to our opening bout...

Tony notes that at Fall Brawl Juvi almost became the Mexican Heavyweight champion, but tonight he’s facing...

Rey, the Cruiserweight champion. Are the weight designations for Mexico vastly different to the US? Why is Juvi challenging for a heavyweight championship one night and the cruiserweight title the next? Oh well, who cares.

Rey Mysterio Jr (C) Vs. Juventud Guerrera

This should be an awesome match. Let’s see.

Mark Curtis and his moustache give us a nice look at the belt before the match gets underway. Curtis’ expression here kind of looks like he’s being forced into doing so. He looks strangely vulnerable. Whatever.

Tony once again starts apologising to Sting and says the nWo “fooled us”. I mean, honestly Tony, you kind of fooled yourself. The nWo just brought out some dude in a somewhat decent Sting cosplay and you instantly bought it as being legit, despite Sting himself being in Japan. This is not on the nWo, it’s on you and the idiots surrounding you. Tony also notes he incorrectly accused Flair of being a part of the nWo recently as well. 0/2 in terms of accusations so far. This is how shit like the Salem Witch trials happen, and Tony simply says “it’s paranoid times” as if that excuses him going around accusing co-workers of stabbing everybody in the back. Tony, an apology isn’t enough here, you need to speak to somebody about this compulsion to blame people for things that haven’t even happened yet.

Rey gets Juvi into this odd position. The kid on the far left is extremely amused by this. Not sure what Rey is going for here as he carries Juvi around awkwardly for a while before Juvi just kind of rolls off Rey’s back and hits him with a DDT.

Spiked.

Tony lists the likes of Super Calo and Hugh Morrus (humorous, get it?) being in action later as if a single person in the entire world would give a shit. They also hype Glacier going up against Big Bubba... wow, can’t wait for that one. 

Mostly back and forth between Rey and Juvi, not many Lucha things going on though. Mostly just your standard stuff. After chopping Rey down to the mat, Juvi looks out to the audience and yells “yeah!” - this is responded to with boos for some reason.

Also the two guys in the bottom left stand up and both give Juvi the thumbs down and throw middle fingers at him. Harsh. It’s funny because Juvi hasn’t been portrayed as a heel, but since he bombed in that interview segment with Okerlund a few weeks ago people have apparently decided Juvi is a dicksplash. Gene strikes again.

WCW decides to go to a break just as the fun lucha stuff starts happening, with Rey leaping off the top rope onto Juvi on the floor...

We come back from the break with Juvi in control. Juvi tries to play to the crowd again and once again gets roundly booed. He just nods as if they’re cheering wildly. I guess that’s all you can do. 

Juvi comes flying off the middle-rope with a moonsault onto the outside...

Nicely done.

Larry says something that I simply don’t understand.

“I don’t think those high risks are necessary. If you’re gonna use them, play the human game of chess in mid-air (???), once you get the man down, bring in down to sea level (???)”

The fuck are you talking about Larry. 

Hurricanrana from Juvi.

Suddenly Tony says there’s a “celebration” going on outside, and they decide this is more important than a match for the cruiserweight title.

Not even the nWo guys, just some random scrubs holding up signs. I’m also not sure how this quantifies as a “celebration”. It looks more like a picket line. This appears to be more of a protest than a celebration. Where is the champers? The babes? The loud hip-hop music? Celebration my arse.

Then we cut back to the ring...

JHC what is going on here? Somehow Juvi is powerbombing Rey from the top turnbuckle. How did this happen? We don’t know because WCW felt it more important to show a bunch of losers standing outside with nWo placards.

You know what’s even crazier? Rey turns this into a fucking hurricanrana!

Holy smokes, as Tony would say. That looked incredible. 

These dudes are going crazy for this, as they should.

Rey pins and gets the win off that move. Not a great match, but pretty good, and that ending was sweet af.

Rey Mysterio Jr (C) defeats Juventud Guerrera via pinfall.

So, we now go to the back for an interview segment with the sad sacks of the Horsemen, Mongo and Benoit, along with Debra, but...

What the hell? No Gene? Instead Mike Tenay appears to have stolen his job. Is Gene in Japan?

Okay, so I just looked into this apparently Gene’s contract with WCW has actually legitimately expired at this point, and he won’t be back until November. Are you fucking serious? Gene had the most screen time of anybody in the company up until this point, and they let his contract expire? Why have him in a thousand segments a week if you weren’t planning to renew his contract?

I’m kind of sad now because, as much as I jokingly rag on Gene-O, he does make things interesting with his shit-stirring. I doubt Tenay is going to have the same ability to be an entertaining douche, but I guess we’ll see. 

 Oh, shirts hanging out of the lockers, as per.

Tenay says that Mongo and Benoit’s presence was “missed” at War Games - Benoit yes, Mongo probably not so much. 

Mongo and Debra point at the camera as they speak.

Mongo tells Luger to find Sting and “beg him to come back and get in this match”. What? Is Mongo expecting Luger to build a time machine out of a microwave and a 1990s cell phone, jump into the past and convince Sting to actually compete in War Games? The match is over Mongo, convincing Sting to be a part of it now wouldn’t really achieve anything, would it?

Debra warns Luger and Sting to watch out, because Mongo had a 15 year career in the NFL “by beating up pumped up little bullies like you guys”. Doesn’t seem like an accurate description of either Lex or Sting honestly. 

Tenay notes that in hour two it’s going to be Mongo and Benoit versus Luger and Sting. This is the first they’ve mentioned this. Shouldn’t they have mentioned this match instead of going on about Super Calo, Humorous, Glacier and Big Bubba? For fuck’s sake.

Anyhow, Tenay switches to Benoit for comments. Benoit gets promo time every week, and I swear he’s getting worse rather than better. For some reason he tries to use big words even though he often stumbles over them, and likes to repeat words in quick succession too.

  “We prophesised that Sting and Lex would debilitate the team. You crossed the path, you crossed the Horsemen’s path, that path is merciless, unforgivefil (??)...” -pause, upon realising he’s fucked up another word, then dramatically points at the camera- 

“PREPARE YOURSELF to pay the price”

Mongo screams as Tenay throws back to the ring.

Debra is smiling but it seems forced. Tenay looks like he’s trying not to burst out laughing.  

Some hardcore WCW fans in the front row here. Plus this guy behind them who kind of looks like a long-lost relative of Lex Luger.

What’s up with the long-lost relatives showing up this week?

Oh and Eminem is here too.

They show a Glacier vignette, but this one delves into his entire, incredible backstory. It goes on for minutes, and considering how quickly they dropped interest in the Glacier gimmick it makes you wonder what the point of all this is. But then, what’s the point in life as a whole? 

Anyhow, Narrated by the man himself, “Glacier is a spirit that lives inside of me. The name Glacier was given to me by my master. It’s an appreciation for the elements, the awesome strength and power that derive from the elements” - just got to note this would work a lot better if Glacier didn’t sound like some random redneck. Anyway... he says he wanted to study martial ats because of Bruce Lee. Never heard that one before. Glacier travelled to Japan and says he “found an old master”, although doesn’t explain how, and says that master took him in as a student.

I assume Glacier didn’t speak any Japanese at this point, so it’s hard to believe this really happened, but sure, let’s pretend some random white guy from Georgia one day decided to say fuck everything, flew over to Japan and stumbled upon an old guy who just happened to be a martial arts master. Totally plausible story.

“I was very happy to let him become my sensei, which in Japanese means... teacher”. Fucking weeb. Also the way he’s talking is really weird and stunted, like he’s reading off a teleprompter that’s scrolling at an extremely slow speed.

Glacier says he’s taken the best of martial arts and the best of wrestling to develop a style that is “superior”. Pft. We’ll see how that works out for you. Glacier explains how Japanese symbols work like the fucking weeb he is, and then we see his “shield”.

Looks like Brian Knobbs.Glacier claims it’s the Japanese “face of evil”. Glacier says his name means “a mass of moving ice” and that’s what he is, a mass moving towards whoever his opponent is. Sounds like a better way to describe John Tenta, honestly, but yeah, OK. He says he’ll conquer his opponent at any cost - “as long as it’s within the rules” - not any cost then. 

That was so cringey. Let’s move on.

CHOO CHOOOO... here comes the Train! My man.

Along with the “godfather”, of course. 

The announcers are still talking about Sting’s hurt feelings, and Larry seriously says “now that his precious feelings are hurt can Luger trust him?” ... I just... I don’t even... fucking stop with the accusations you absolute buttwipes. Have you not learned your lesson? To be fair to Tony, he thinks Sting can be trusted. At least one of them learned something.

The Train’s opponent is DDP, who for some reason didn’t get a televised entrance. 

Ice Train (w/ Teddy Long) Vs. DDP (w/ no entrance)

Interestingly there’s a small “DDP” chant early on. 

Rather than discuss the match, the commentators as usual talk about the nWo and how they are working well as a unit. Larry says WCW just has “finger pointing, suspicion and paranoia”. Well, considering you just said Sting couldn’t be trusted, you’re contributing to that, aren’t you Larry? Larry also notes that Okerlund is gone, and Tony says he “just left” - no, his contract expired. They make it sound like Gene just walked out. 

Train dominates the early going, throwing DDP down like a child and then tossing him out of the ring a few times.  DDP is able to swing the momentum into his favour. He attempts a diamond cutter early on, but Train shoves him away and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. For some reason DDP gets up first from this, and whilst Train is on his knees kicks him in the chest. No effect though, as Train starts to Hulk up with some gimmick infringement.

Cool sweater bro. Rocking the ‘Bumblebee Man’ look.

Train is dominating, which for some reason prompts Long to get up on the apron.

Patrick seems very upset for some reason.

The nWo frat boys are now blockading the WCW merchandise stand. Is this a part of their ‘celebration’ ? 

As we’re being shown this, the bell starts ringing randomly. Tony says “we have a 1, 2, 3″ ... BUT WE DIDN’T SEE IT? Why would they be showing this nWo bullshit instead of the ending to the match? Tony says Ice Train has the win, but then when we cut back we see this:

Patrick holding a white towel, whilst Train and Long look angry. Tony says he has no idea what is going on. Larry says Train had DDP in a full nelson but “the towel came flying in”. So there was no pinfall? Why did Tony say so if there wasn’t? He’s literally sitting at ringside, how could he not have known this? 

Now we’re being told DDP grabbed the towel from Long and chucked it into the ring, and for some reason Patrick decided this means DDP wins. Makes no fucking sense, and I get the feeling even if we had been shown it on camera it wouldn’t have made any sense, so whatever. At the very least Tony and Larry could do their jobs and inform us what actually happened, rather than incorrectly stating Train won via pinfall. These two are useless at their jobs.

DDP defeats Ice Train via... ref stoppage I guess?

We do get a replay which shows this...

So many questions If Train has Page in a full nelson why is Long on the apron again in the first place? He has literally no reason to do so. Patrick can clearly see that DDP has grabbed the towel and flung it off Long’s shoulders, so why would he accept this as Long giving up on behalf of Train? Why would he even logically do that if Train is the one on the offence?

Just total stupidity. It’s obviously meant to forward the “Nick Patrick, crooked referee” storyline, but instead just makes Patrick look like a fucking idiot. 

In-fucking-deed.

We get a shot of 123 Kid/Syxx/X-Pac sitting in the front row. Tony actually calls him out as the former 123 Kid “from the WWF”, confirming he’s since been released. I’m guessing they had to make this point due to WWE filing lawsuits at the time regarding the storyline where Nash and Hall were positioned as “outsiders” still potentially working for WWE.

Tony asks what Syxx is doing here, and Larry replies with utter disdain “well let me take a guess... the nWo?” - I mean, yeah, obviously.  “holy Moses” Tony replies, as if he’s teleported from a 70s Saturday morning cartoon.

Next up, this thing is in action:

For some reason it gets a bunch of pyro...

His opponent is Konan, who comes out speaking Spanish with Jimmy Hart accompanying him. Larry calls Jimmy Hart “the manager of champions, mental genius” ... lol. Yeah, OK. All of those top tier champions in the Dungeon of Doom. Sure.

Konnan (C) Vs. Super Calo

I know the nameplate says “Konan”, but do one WCW, it’s Konnan. 

A lot of flipping around to start off with, which eventually ends with Konnan getting arm-dragged out of the ring. As he’s standing there Super Calo comes FLYING out of the ring, between the ropes, at breakneck speed. Konnan however just steps aside, and Calo goes crashing into the barricade. Looked brutal as fuck.

Total fucking wipeout. Even though he blatantly stepped out of the way, Konnan nonetheless falls down as if he did get struck. Calo actually gets up first and throws Konnan back into the ring. 

As he does this, Tony Schiavone says “Mike, you may wanna just crawl up here on my lap if they get too close.”

Wut.

I do not remember homoerotic tension between Tony and Mike during the old school WCW years. Now granted there are a lot of things about WCW I had forgotten, but this... please let this be a one off. Larry immediately says “stay away from me”. Tony replies “stay away from us”. What is going on.

Konnan takes control of the match, throwing Calo off the top turnbuckle and stretching him a little before hitting a nice sitdown powerbomb. Calo once again arm-drags Konnan outside the ring, and once again does some crazy high-flying move.

“Very dangerous location this evening” Mike notes. Yeah, doesn’t seem like the best place to set up the announce desk, does it? You never see Bischoff sitting down there. 

Okay, so, after some back and forth there is a tremendous botch. Calo puts Konnan on the top turnbuckle, like so:

Decides to perform something like a reverse hurricanrana...

He lands here...

Then attempts to sit up, but Konnan just falls on top of him.

Fucking fail. Look at the referee’s face - he knows that was all kinds of stupid.

Once again, Calo gets up first and resumes offence. He throws Konnan out of the ring again and now he’s going crazy again. First he flips out onto Konnan, who is laying on the floor, then when he gets up Calo goes to the top turnbuckle and leaps off...

Jesus Christ. This is an absolute fucking madlad who does not give a single fuck. He lands like a sack of shit on the mats outside, bouncing like a basketball. That must have hurt him more than it hurt Konnan. As Andrade would say “... why you so crazy?”

Konnan lifts Calo up for what appears to be an Outsider’s Edge...

Check out the ref. He has THE POWER! Seriouysly though, what is he doing?

The edge ends up being more of a sit down powerbomb.

I think Konnan just broke his butt cheeks. 

With that being the case, it still wins him the match, so I guess it was worth it?

Konnan defeats Super Calo via pinfall.

Honestly, that match was actually pretty damn entertaining. Mainly thanks to Calo not giving a shit about his physical wellbeing and throwing his body around like a crash test dummy. Good shit, as a certain disgraced former CEO might say. You know, going into this match I just thought Calo was some weirdo who dressed like a total dork, and don’t get me wrong, that’s still true, but now I love him. 

“Dungeon of Doom forever” Konnan hollers into the camera after the match. Lol, nope.

Mike goes over to Syxx to ask him why he’s here. Syxx says he’s been in Japan (of course WCW wouldn’t know that) but he heard Nitro is the hottest show around and figured he’d come check it out. Tenay then says “you’re here, but what’s the reason?” - he literally just told you, Mike. Syxx asks who won War Games, to which Tenay indignantly replies that everybody knows the nWo won. “Darn it,” replies Syxx. Tenay cuts the interview off there.

Giving Syxx this look like he’s going to fuck him up. Mike has this expression down quite well, as we’ve seen previously. He’s got big ‘old school, gonna whip you with my belt’ dad energy around the time period. It’s amusing because Tenay is the least intimidating person you’re likely to meet.

We get a WCW Saturday Night advert, then straight onto the next match. 

Hugh Morrus (humorous, get it?) against “America, fuck yeah” Brad Armstrong. Armstrong’s music is so 80′s that it downgraded my computer to DOS. Ugh. Fucking why does this match even exist though? You know the feeling you get when you flush the toilet and realise you put too much toilet paper in there, and the dirty toilet paper, piss and logs of shit come rising up towards you? That’s how I feel about watching this match. So you know what? I refuse. We’re skipping straight to the end.

Hugh Morrus Vs. Brad Armstrong

Armstrong rolls up Humorous for the win. I think that might be the first time I’ve seen Armstrong actually win a match on Nitro.

Brad Armstrong defeats Hugh Morrus via pinfall.

We’re into hour number two, switching to Bischoff, Heenan and Tenay for commentary duties. 

Pomp and Circumstances blasts through the arena, meaning we’re about to get an appearance from everyone’s favourite lunatic, the Macho Man. 

Tenay picks up where Gene left out by bluntly shitting on Macho by calling last night his most embarrassing moment in wrestling, then throwing to still pictures of Savage Vs the Giant from Fall Brawl whilst Tenay narrates what happened. Basically Hogan, Hall and Nash beat up Savage and the Giant gets the win as a result. Not sure that necessarily qualifies as Savage’s most embarrassing moment ever, but yeah, not exactly a high point. 

“Living hard, living fast, don’t know how much longer I can last. If I’m lying I’m dying”, Macho rhymes to begin his promo. Savage says he isn’t at rock bottom, he’s a million miles below rock bottom - I mean, wouldn’t that just be a new rock bottom? Savage says “a lot of people say I’ve got nothing to live for”, which is pretty fucking harsh. Who’s been saying that? Savage confirms that he and Hogan are alive on planet Earth at the same time, which means it’s going to get “really really scary” because Macho is down to one marble, and if he loses that one “it really doesn’t matter”. I think it’s already gone, honestly, but yeah, sure. Savage tells Hogan to bring it on, and then storms to the ring. The usual batshit insane promo from Savage.

Meanwhile, Bischoff says something is going wrong backstage, and we see...

The nWo guys chilling by the usual black limo. According to Nash they’re celebrating spring break, even though it’s September, and nWo Sting gets out of the limo.

“Give me a break”, says Bischoff. Honestly I’m surprised he and Heenan aren’t fooled into thinking Sting has defected again. Hogan says there’s nobody left in the building to beat up, and Nash says he likes the sound of “nWo Nitro”. Oh boy, we’ll get to that. Bischoff says it makes him sick.

Back in the arena, Scott Norton comes out but doesn’t get very far as Savage comes flying out of the ring to brawl in the entranceway. I guess this match is underway?

“Macho Man” Randy Savage Vs. Scott “Flash” Norton

The bell rings once they get into the ring, and the brawl continues. They switch from fighting in and out of the ring before Savage eventually shoves Norton’s square head into the ringpost.

Goddamn Norton is thick… like a 90s refrigerator. He’s almost as much of a tank as Duggan.

Macho throws Dave Penzer to the floor so that he can take the chair he’s sitting on...

He then cracks Norton over the head with a nasty sounding chairshot...

He then makes a swing for referee Randy Anderson...

But Anderson fortunately dodges and gets the fuck out of there. Savage cracks Norton over the head twice with another couple of sick sounding chairshots before the referee decides to say fuck this and rings the bell.

Scott “Flash” Norton defeats “Macho Man” Randy Savage via DQ.

For some reason Nick Patrick comes out and Savage proceeds to try and do a Vulcan mind meld on him.

Macho walks off, seemingly happy with his evening’s work, as a dazed Norton gets his hand raised.

We go to the announce desk, with Tenay as usual giving the camera that soulless, kinda creepy stare. You look into the abyss too long and the abyss looks back at you. That’s what we’re seeing here.

Anyhow, Bischoff says Macho isn’t crazy and knows exactly what he’s doing. Heenan admits this is possible, that Savage may be tricking everyone into believing he’s insane as “nobody can be that nuts”. Well... don’t be too sure. I feel like they are giving the man who considered an OCD diagnosis as being told he’s “One Cool Dude” too much credit. 

Now we see this twonk. He calls Glacier “karate man” in a horrifically sick burn, telling him to remember “wax on, wax off, the crane, the tiger, won’t work in World Championship Wrestling”. Well, that remains to be seen - I don’t think anyone has ever tried implementing Mr Miyagi’s teachings within the wrestling sphere. Bubba says he beats people up for a living and is going to do the same to Glacier. We’ll see.

We hear some techno-dance type music, alongside some lasers and blue lighting. No, it’s not Naomi wanting us all to feel the glow, it’s Glacier making his WCW Nitro debut.

Lmao. Dude looks like he’s trying to cosplay Sub Zero and Shredder at the same time. Heenan says “all the wrestlers are talking about this guy, and there’s talk he’s going to take wrestling to a new level”. Yeah, a new level of shit.

After enjoying a golden shower, Glacier performs a bunch of karate moves/poses in the ring. Bubba is already out there, apparently, and steps into the ring with Blood Runs Cold.

I mean, it’s kind of a cool look. In a different era this may have worked. Just not in this era. Glacier looks like he could have fit into the Ascension or something. Would still have been a jobber, but... whatever. Glacier bows to the ref (lol) and then...

Hiyahhh!!!

Bubba jumps back in... shock and fear? I don’t know.

Glacier Vs. Big Bubba

Bubba tries to charge Glacier, but the Sub Zero wannabe makes the former Bossman look like an absolute chode by stepping aside and sweeping him off his feet.

Oh, also, apparently the lighting is just going to stay this pale shade of blue. I didn’t like it when they did it with the Fiend and I don’t like it here either. 

Glacier just makes Bubba look like some slow, fat oaf, which isn’t far from the truth. He dodges everything Bubba attempts, and Bubba falls and stumbles around like some comedy villain.  

Bubba is able to land a few punches and a spinebuster, then this happens.

It’s like a screenshot of the world’s shittiest dance contest. 

After copying a bunch of Sub Zero’s moves from Mortal Kombat (seriously, the spinning kick and leg sweep are from the fucking game), Glacier ends Bubba with his patented Cryonic Kick. 

Get fucked with your Sweet Chin Music, the Cryonic Kick is where it’s at. I assume in Mortal Kombat this would be Glacier’s fatality, and Bubba’s head would go flying into the crowd. Obviously that doesn’t happen here, Bubba just falls down and gets pinned. Maybe he should find Mr Miyagi and learn some techniques. 

Glacier defeats Big Bubba via pinfall.

After the match Glacier spends the next hour doing karate poses for the audience. Tenay says the temperature in the building “has dropped 20 or 30 degrees” - that’s some fucking drop. How did Glacier achieve this exactly? 

We go back to the announce desk and they’re about to talk about the nWo (shocker, I know) when Sting suddenly walks out unscheduled.

He doesn’t look happy. No music and no playing to the crowd, although once in the ring he does his usual howl. He takes Penzer’s mic. He says he wants to explain what happened on the previous Nitro. He says he was on a plane from LA to Atlanta and tuned into Nitro (I thought he was in Japan??) and he thought he was watching a rerun, as the nWo Sting was evidently that convincing. Although in what universe would it have been a rerun of Sting with the nWo beating up Luger? Oh, whatever. Maybe Sting was drunk or high or something.

Sting also says he saw everybody doubting him. Sting spends the promo with his back to the hard cam, which Bischoff explains is “symbolic” of Sting turning his back on WCW, as they turned their back on him. Maybe, but is there any need to say this whilst Sting is doing his promo? Shut up Eric.

Anyway, Sting says he decided to “go into seclusion and see what happens”. That doesn’t seem like the best idea - surely it would have been better just to ring Lex, the Horsemen, or WCW and say “yo, you guys know I’m not even there right?” - dropping off the grid just makes him look even more suspicious. 

Sting says he then went to Fall Brawl to tell Luger that it wasn’t him - why wait that long though? Luger apparently said that he didn’t trust Sting. I mean, considering what we’ve just been told by Sting himself that isn’t a completely unreasonable reaction. That shit happens, then when Luger and the Horsemen try to get in contact with Sting he just ghosts them. What does Sting expect them to think? 

“I have been mediator, I have been babysitter for Lex Luger, I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt about a thousand times in the last twelve months. I carried the WCW banner, and I have given my blood, my sweat and my tears for WCW. So for all of those fans out there, and all those wrestlers and people that never doubted the Stinger - I’ll stand by you, if you stand by me. BUT, but for all of the people, all of the commentators, all of the wrestlers and all of the best friends who did doubt me, you can stick it. From now on I consider myself a free agent. But that doesn’t mean you won’t see the Stinger. From time to time, I’m gonna pop in when you least expect it.”

Two things here. Firstly, this situation could have been completely avoided if Sting hadn’t decided to “go into seclusion” and had just gotten in contact with people straight away and confirmed what was going down. Communication, people. Secondly, I don’t think this is how things work as far as contracts are concerned. Fairly sure you can’t just declare yourself a free agent and walk out. Anyhow, Sting’s lack of professionalism and common sense aside, this is the last we’ll see of Surfer Sting on Nitro. Goodnight, sweet prince. The end of an era.

The commentators are stunned by this development. Tenay shakes his head in disappointment. Radiating pissed off old school dad energy again. Nobody is sure if Sting is planning to wrestle tonight or not. Seemingly there is no such thing as a breach of contract in WCW. Good for Sting, bad for the company. 

We’ve got a bit of a broski team coming out here in Jericho and Bagwell. I don’t remember them being a team at any point. This was when both were in bland babyface mode – they were each far better suited to heel work. Still some way off for Jericho, but Bagwell’s not too far off a major change in dynamic.

The commentators are paying no attention to this, just talking about Sting’s mard-arse promo. Crying about how he’s turned his back on them, blah blah blah. Get over it.

Opponents for the pre-Hype Bros are supposed to be some combination of the Horsemen, but…

Unless they’ve found the secret to invisibility, and in Flair’s case that is literally one of the worst things imaginable, they just ain’t coming out.  

We go backstage and apparently the Horsemen are just chatting with Liz. No big deal. They should probably hurry up though. Liz is saying she won’t go out because the now tagged her the night before, and she’s scared. Flair and Arn leave her to it. I don’t think they really need Liz to beat Jericho and Bagwell.

Woman forgot to put a shirt on underneath her jacket again. I’m not complaining.

Flair’s music starts up again, and finally he and Double A make their way out.  

Flair is doing his usual, dancing around with Woman. Arn just looks annoyed to be honest. He shakes his head as the pyro goes off. Love the shirt though. I want one.

Heenan on Flair: “When that bell rings, you’re going to see that head Horsemen right there, 13 times heavyweight champion of the world, show ya what it’s all about.”

Are we Bobby? Flair spends the majority of his matches getting his wrinkled arse handed to him, then cheats to win. If that’s what it’s all about then in my view it’s all a bit sad.

Jericho & Bagwell Vs. Flair & Anderson

Before the match can start, Syxx stands up with some kind of device in his hands…

He flicks some kind of switch, and now leaflets start raining down from the ceiling.

Hah, good trolling imo. How exactly did the nWo do this though? They would have had to have been at the arena well ahead of time, gone up to the rafters, created this elaborate setup whilst WCW security seemingly did nothing to stop them. Then again, this is WCW we’re talking about, so I suppose it’s entirely plausible. That’s also some serious wireless capability between Syxx’s control box and the rafters for 1996. Seems like a waste of paper though. Apparently the nWo are not interested in saving the rainforests. Trees died for this bullshit.

Arn rips up one of the leaflets. Flair just struts around the ring. They go to break, and when they come back the leaflets are still falling. What the fuck. How many leaflets are up there? Must be literally tens of thousands. I’m surprised the building isn’t buried in them by this point. Coming back from the break we go to the announce desk, where Bischoff decides it would be a good idea to show everyone what the leaflets say.

I mean, wasn’t WCW paying all the bills either way?

This was not worth sacrificing an entire forest of trees for.

The bell finally rings to start the match, as paper continues to fall from the ceiling. Bischoff claims the crowd are chanting “horsemen, horsemen, horsemen”, but they aren’t.

We start off with Arn and Jericho. It’s back and forth for a bit, with Jericho hitting a nice missile dropkick on Arn at one point. On commentary Bischoff claims DiBiase “forced” him to give the nWo their own television show. It isn’t explained how exactly this was forced upon him. Eric is the President of the company – why does he have to even listen to what DiBiase or any of the nWo have to say? Of course in hindsight I and most of you good readers know why, but it’s a pretty huge plot hole that they never bother to even try and fill in. Eric claims the nWo will get their own show, but the future will prove that to be an unfulfilled promise.

Flair enters the ring along with Bagwell. He gives Bagwell a few chops in the corner, but Bagwell fires back and just punches the shit out of Flair before giving the Nature Boy a back body drop. Did I mention Flair sucks at fighting? Anyway, he manages to toss Bagwell outside to get worked over by Anderson, but somehow Anderson is the one who ends up getting smacked around by the future Buff. Both Horsemen are useless.

Buff tries to roll Flair into a pin, and this happens…

Why doesn’t Arn just walk over and boot Bagwell in the head?

Flair gets clotheslined out of the ring by Bagwell. He gets really mad, grabbing a bunch of the leaflets in the aisle and petulantly throwing them back to the ground. Kind of pointless.

Heenan says Flair is “always in control of his emotions”. You sure about that Bobby? Every time I see a Flair promo he’s flailing around like he just dropped the world’s most intense acid.

The referee isn’t counting Flair out because… well, it’s WCW, and rules only exist when required.

Flair and Arn get the advantage, and as Arn is working over Jericho we go to a split screen…

Syxx is outside with the nWo, celebrating their littering frenzy. Giant has a portable stereo and plays the clip of Sting yelling – the same clip we heard when Luger got attacked a couple of weeks back.  

So Luger couldn’t tell the difference between a cassette recording of Sting and a real voice. Sad.

Back to the match and Bagwell is pinned via Figure Four, after Woman rakes his eyes and Anderson gives him a DDT…

Flair & Anderson defeat Jericho & Bagwell via pinfall.

It’s main event time. First out are Mongo and Benoit.

They barely get halfway down the ramp before Flexy Lexy’s music hits.

No Stinger as of yet. Bischoff repeats for the hundredth time that Sting wasn’t facing the hard cam during his promo. Dude, we get it, no need to keep fucking repeating it.

For some reason during Luger’s entrance Randy Anderson is on the middle rope holding Benoit back, as if the guy is ready to jump Luger. He really isn’t though.

Bischoff says there is no Sting. Breach of contract? No? OK.

Benoit & Mongo Vs. Lex Luger

Sting doesn’t want to work, so this has become a handicap match. You’re telling me they couldn’t have subbed somebody else in? One of the Steiners? One of Harlem Heat? Lord Steven? (miss you) - literally anybody? Fuck, bring out Steve Doll or my main man the Train. 

Nope, apparently if Sting doesn’t show up that means Luger has no choice but to go it alone. With that said, considering Mongo is one of the opponents you could argue Benoit is the one with the handicap here.

Heenan claims that since becoming a Horsemen Mongo is “turning into a heck of a tag team wrestler”. What a lie.

Luger starts off okay, but soon the double-teaming from the Horsemen becomes too much and he starts getting murked. Bischoff is telling us that basically the entire WCW roster is going to be in Japan next week for a NJPW tour – so is he basically telling everybody not to bother watching next week? Bischoff says “Randy Savage is going to be here by himself.”

OK – how come Macho wasn’t invited to Japan? And if he’s here by himself is Nitro next week just going to be a two hour Macho Man promo? Not going to lie, I’d tune in for that. Heenan exclaims “why are you telling everybody who’s not going to be here?” – good question.

Mongo stomps Luger in the corner. It’s been a miserable match for him.

In the front row the Real Slim Shady tears a Hulkster shirt apart and tosses it to the floor. You tell ‘em Marshall.

Luger makes a comeback, kicking that useless sack of crap Mongo out of the ring and powerslamming Benoit to the mat.

And then he puts Benoit in the rack!

Benoit is on the verge of giving up. Luger would actually have beaten these two buttinskis (copyright Larry Z) by himself, but then Flair arrives... 

... and is decked immediately.

As is Arn. These two really are useless.

The bell rings, and this one is over.

Lex Luger defeats Mongo & Benoit via DQ.

The numbers game is eventually too much, and the Horsemen begin beating the crap out of Luger. Remind me what the difference is between these guys and the nWo, really?

Whilst the Horsemen are laying a beating on Luger, making a mockery of WCW unity, we go back outside where it’s now raining. Nash has an umbrella. Hall approaches the camera...

“Hey chico, you tired of working for a loser? Come on, let’s see what kind of work you can do” and drags the cameraman over to the limo.

It’s party central in the nWo limo, as something like eight guys cram inside and watch WCW Nitro on a tiny monitor…

The nWo note that Macho will be the only person from WCW on the show next week – the way they phrase it is like literally nobody except Macho will be there. Also, as they are making their intentions of coming after Macho known well ahead of time, WCW will surely make efforts to ensure Macho is safe right? Right?

Yeah, I know.

Lol. He ded.

Tune is next week folks, when according to Eric Bischoff himself nobody except the Macho Man will be around. I’m sure that’ll work out well for him. 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

Fall Brawl/War Games 1996 Results

Let’s get through the results for this PPV.

DDP def. Chavo Guerrero Jr. via pinfall.

Ice Train (w/ Teddy Long) def. Scott Norton via submission. This one was a submission match, by the way. Norton got distracted by the “godfather” and the Train made him submit with a full nelson. Choo choo!

Konnan (w/ Jimmy Hart) def. Juventud Guerrera via pinfall to retain the AAA Heavyweight Championship.

Chris Benoit def. Chris Jericho via pinfall.

Rey Mysterio Jr. def. Super Calo via pinfall to retain the Cruiserweight title. I do wonder how Super Calo earned a Cruiserweight title match? Last we saw of him he was scoring a fluke win over Pat Tanaka. Oh well. 

Harlem Heat (w/ Sister Sherri & Col. Parker) def. The Nasty Boys via pinfall. 

The Giant def. “Macho Man” Randy Savage via pinfall. Giant originally comes out to the Dungeon of Doom “theme” before somebody realises the mistake and switches to the nWo theme. WCW in their infinite wisdom assign Nick Patrick to this match. Good old Nick ignores the nWo beating down Macho Man later in the match and Giant wins. 

During a Flair/Anderson/Luger interview Sting appears and pleads his innocence. Apparently he had no chance to talk to any of them in private before now. Keep in mind Sting was actually in JAPAN when the attack on Luger went down. Surely he has proof of that and then everything is resolved? Well, no. Sting’s ‘friend’ Luger doesn’t believe him, so Sting sulks away. 

The nWo (Hogan, Hall, Nash, nWo Sting) def. Team WCW (Flair, Anderson, Luger, Sting) in a War Games match via submission. Well, I think Luger submitted anyway.

I’m sure anybody reading this nonsense knows what went down here. Fake Sting (hereafter known as nWo Sting) appeared during the match to help out the nWo. Even though it obviously wasn’t Sting the commentators were completely duped. I can forgive the crowd for assuming it was Sting as they are somewhat far away from the action, but the commentators have monitors. No excuse for their dipshittery.

Anyhow, real Sting comes out, serves a brief beatdown and then walks out again, leaving our heroes to get smashed up by the nWo and lose. 

After the match Macho Man comes out to start a ruckus, but the nWo soon slap him down. Liz comes out and for some reason throws herself over Savage and gets herself spraypainted as a result. Liz spent most of 1996 with Flair taunting Savage, so not sure where this change of heart came from, but whatever. 

This PPV is OK. Nothing special but the War Games match is worth watching. 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 09/09/1996

Shit be exploding, so you know what time it is.

Yes sir.

Once again we are not given a location this week, which generally means the town is too small-time for the big shots at WCW to even consider giving a shout out to. My research tells me this broadcast comes from the Columbus Civic Centre in Columbus, Georgia.  

As always we are introduced to our first hour announce team, Schiavone and Zbyszko.

Tony is looking quite smart this evening. Larry as expected has a horrific multcoloured abomination on underneath his jacket. It’s basically his gimmick a this point so whatever. 

They talk about how the balance of power has shifted to the nWo and Larry says Giant is “the biggest traitor since Benedict Arnold”, nice ancient reference there, Larry. We get a recap of last week’s awesome show-ending brawl. 

Once they’re done wrapping this up, Goldberg’s music plays. What? I check my file - yes, definitely 9th September 1996. Has Goldberg time travelled back to 1996 and changed history by debuting early?

Well, either that is one hell of a disguise or no, actually Goldberg’s theme music was first used by this Japanese guy called Pat Tanaka. It’s really weird seeing this random fella walk out to Goldberg’s music. The crowd boo mildly - I guess just because he’s Japanese? I don’t remember there being any storyline reason to boo him, anyway. 

Pat’s opponent is... this.

Looks like a mascot from a early/mid-90s video game brought to life. If this is Super Calo then I am curious as to what regular Calo is like. I am unsure as to what makes this version ‘Super’, but maybe we’ll find out in the upcoming match. Mike Tenay joins the announce crew because it is Calo’s debut and Tenay is the only one likely to know anything about him.

Pat Tanaka vs Super Calo

I was kind of hoping Tanaka would start the match with a spear and then jackhammer Calo into oblivion, but no such luck. 

As one would anticipate from a man dressed like a stereotypical kung-fu master in an 80s movie, Tanaka starts the match off with some kicks.

Calo jumps around pointlessly and then gets kicked in the face. Bants.

Tenay tells us Calo’s name and look comes from the “top rap group” in Mexico. He does not name this group. Confusingly wikipedia claims Calo is named after a Mexican rock group with the same name, but his image is meant to convey a rapper. So, just... what? Also what rapper has ever looked like Super Calo? In Mexico is that how rappers dress? 

Well anyway this odd fellow somersaults over the ropes onto Tanaka outside of the ring. 

The screen then cuts to this.

 Then we’re back to the match. OK then. 

Tanaka hits Calo with a powerbomb, which leads to Tony talking about him being “so schooled in the martial arts”. Yes, because we all know that classic martial arts move the powerbomb. Often followed by a leg drop and a scorpion deathlock. 

The ending to this match is beyond ridiculous. 

First, Tanaka puts Calo onto the top turnbuckle.

Neither man seems to know what is meant to happen next, so they awkwardly wrap their arms around each other.

Tanaka then lifts Calo up like he’s going for an inverse piledriver and falls backwards.

Apparently he knocks himself out, gets pinned, and loses.

What an idiot.

Super Calo defeats Pat Tanaka via Pinfall.

Nothing too super about our friend Calo in this one I’m afraid. His victory came largely because Tanaka is a super dunce.

We got some lads in the front row who are big fans of the classic moustache.

They seem quite pleased that Calo emerged victorious.

Just under seven minutes in and we throw back to Mean Gene in the locker room with Rick Steiner. This should be good.

Shirts hanging out of the lockers behind them, as you do. 

Gene asks Rick Steiner about Nick Patrick’s questionable officiating - referring to the incident last week where Luger was disqualified in seconds for basically nothing. Rick says that he had Luger, and Gene saw it. Total bullshit as the match had barely started, and Gene does point that out. 

Luger walks into the frame as we see last week’s replay. Rick is continually going on about how he was going to win, sounding like a mentally challenged three year old. On the other hand this is a guy who also genuinely thinks he’s a dog, so... I should probably be impressed that he is able to form words and put them into a somewhat coherent structure.

Gene says that Steiner is “a little confused” in the understatement of the century, 

Luger tells Rick that he’s “a great tag team wrestler” but he feels like he has the edge in a singles environment. Rick continues to fail to understand basic english and keeps repeating “I can beat you, ask Sting” and then starts calling for Sting.

Gene then ushers Rick away like an unruly child as Luger walks off as well. Gene says that Luger was alluding that Rick “doesn’t have it upstairs”, pointing to his head. Wow, what a dick. Luger didn’t say anything like that. All he implied was that he was a better singles wrestler than Rick. Not sure where Gene has gotten his interpretation from, but my guess is he just wants to stir the pot as usual.

Next it’s nWo announcement time.

Just the usual t-shirt ad with Nash saying “all proceeds go towards the Ric Flair retirement fund”. Joke’s on him, that fund must have accrued some serious cash before it was finally paid out.

We’re back and...

Somebody buy these poor kids some real nWo t-shirts. 

Where did these people come from? Did they decide to stop by Nitro after a corporate dinner or something? 

Are these pilots in the audience as well? Wtf? Why are all these people coming to the show dressed in their work clothes? Is this a common thing in the States?

Oh, hey, guess what - Glacier debuted. I would say “remember all that hype” but if you’ve been reading this sad collection of nostalgic drivel then you will indeed remember the many Glacier adverts that have been on every Nitro broadcast since May or so. We’re now in September and Glacier finally had his first match... on WCW Pro.

Seriously.

WCW Pro is like... Sunday Night Heat or Velocity in WWE terms. It’s below WCW Saturday Night for fuck’s sake.  Tony calls it “one of the most eagerly anticipated debuts ever” - which is why he made his first appearance on WCW FUCKING PRO. Oh WCW, what are you like?

Larry says Glacier will be “a force to be reckoned with”, which, spoiler alert. turns out to be the opposite.

  Oh good, these two walking charisma vacuums.

And these two lumbering idiots. WCW, the best wrestling on the planet. How could WWF in 1996 find no way to entice people away from Pat Tanaka vs Super Calo and The AFC vs the Nasty Boys? Seriously. It isn’t that difficult. 

The AFC do their usual schtick of singing the Canadian national anthem badly and the crowd get angry because ‘Murica fuck yeah and whatever. The Nasty Boys say “fuck this” and attack the AFC after about 10 seconds of this bullshit, getting the match started.

The Amazing French Canadians Vs The Nasty Boys

You don’t care about this match. I don’t care about this match. Let’s just skip to the end.

Knobbs whacks the eyepatch guy with the flag the AFC brought out. Saggs pins for the win. 

The Nasty Boys defeat The Amazing French Canadians via Pinfall.

Mean Gene comes scurrying out to interview the Nastys, for some reason.

Saggs says everybody has been pointing the finger at the Nasty Boys, accusing them of being with the nWo (can’t imagine anybody really cares but OK, sure). Saggs says the Nasty’s are only worried about the tag titles which are in WCW, ergo they aren’t interested in joining the nWo. Does he not realise that faction affiliation is irrelevent as far as challenging for belts is concerned? I mean, Hogan is literally WCW Heavyweight champion at this point in time. 

Knobbs says that the Nasty’s don’t care about the nWo, they’re in WCW and they’re coming for Harlem Heat to take the tag team titles. Short and to the point, which is fine by me, even if the Nasty’s appear to be under the mistaken impression- that joining the nWo would invalidate them from challenging for the tag titles. 

We’re back from a commercial break to find Scott Norton and Sgt Craig Pittman in the ring.

Sgt Craig Pittman Vs Scott Norton

The commentators bill this as a “hold versus hold” match and I’m not sure what this means, as I was under the impression every match is hold versus hold. But whatever. 

After some back and forth Pittman decides that it’s time to ram his head into Norton’s sternum. 

It looks pretty painful and not especially effective, but Pittman enjoys it so much he does it again. 

They head to the outside of the ring. Norton gets whipped against the guardrail, the entirety of which moves upon impact, but then Norton regains control by slamming Pittman’s shoulder into the ring post. 

Norton locks in the armbar but the Sarge will not give up. Long gets onto the ring apron to beg Pittman to give in, but he won’t. WCW, for reasons beyond my understanding, is very careful about protecting Sgt. Craig Pittman. He never gets pushed, as far as I remember, but this man WILL NOT QUIT.

Then... 

Ice Train wanders out wearing this abomination. Seriously - what the fuck? It’s like a demin vest with a backpack built in. It’s something you would expect to see an eight-year old girl in the mid-90s wearing over the top of a t-shirt or something. What clothing brand figured that this design was suitable for huge, beefy dudes? I don’t know, but they clearly have a customer in Ice Train.

Train throws in the towel for Pittman.  

Scott Norton defeats Sgt. Craig Pittman via Forfeit. 

He enters the ring and stares down at Norton, who is looking at Train’s vest top and moobs like “dafuq?”

The two former amigos have a staredown which doesn’t lead anywhere. 

Pepboys Power Pin of the Week is a submission. Go figure.

We head to the locker room where Gene-o is with Ric Flair, Arn Anderson and Lex Luger.

Three of these men are dressed appropriately. The other is Lex Luger.

Apparently Sting is supposed to be a part of this interview as well but is nowhere to be found. Luger assures Flair & Arn that Sting is in the building, but the Horsemen are having none of it and are concerned that Sting doesn’t have his head in the game. Flair starts going crazy and practically flings himself into an alternate dimension with his erratic movements.

Like a jet propeller is being put directly in front of his face.

Anyway eventually these two sad sacks come lumbering in...

Mongo looks like he’s about to explode, whilst Benoit as usual appears barely awake. Mongo yells about not being able to count on Luger and Sting. Luger reiterates that Sting is in the building somewhere, he’s just not around for the interview. The Horsemen do seem overly paranoid here - how hard would it be to track Sting down and talk to him if they are this pissed off? 

Arn says he’s called ahead to Winston, Salem (where Fall Brawl/War Games is being held) to pre-book himself a hospital room as he assumes he’s going to need one. Seems like a somewhat pessimistic thing to do, but is it even possible to pre-book hospital room? Arn is talking like he’s booked a hotel room for the night. Strange lad. He also suggests Hogan uses battery acid to burn out his eyes which... I mean, don’t give the guy ideas, Arn.  

Interview ends with everybody talking over each other and Flair wooing a lot - so, the same as most Horsemen interviews.

People in the crowd are holding these signs which say “nWo - you haven’t seen bad... but it’s coming!” - indeed, Hogan Vs Piper is coming.

We get a recap of this thrilling DDP/Eddie/Chavo storyline which nobody cares about, but why this is recapped is beyond me as the next match has nothing to do with any of those three. 

Instead, out comes “the desparado” himself, Joe Gomez.

Somebody throws a wad of paper at him as he enters. Obviously not a fan.

His opponent is Juventud Guerrera,  who Tony repeatedly refers to as Juventud Guerrero. 

As Juvi enters he runs past these ladies, who appear both baffled and unimpressed with him.

Cold.

Joe Gomez Vs Juventud Guerrera

The match starts off okay, but descends into disaster fairly quickly as Juvi starts trying various lucha things which poor Joe is clearly not comfortable with. First Juvi stands on the apron, jumps onto the ropes as Gomez slowly walks towards him and does this...

It’s clear from this angle alone that there is no way in hell Juvi is going to reach Gomez. In fairness to WCW they switch camera angle just in time to make it look slightly less terrible, although I imagine it was more down to luck than skill. Nonetheless Gomez at least tries to sell the move, falling backwards theatrically.

Weeee! Points for effort if not execution. 

This happens next, and thanks to Uproxx “Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro” series (check it out, it’s great) I have a GIF to put into pictures what I would struggle to put into words.

Speaks for itself.

After this Juvi seems to want to go for a hurricanrana from the top turnbuckle but I‘m not sure if they botch this as well or it was the plan, but Juvi ends up backflipping away from the turnbuckle and then catching Gomez with a weak looking dropkick as he jumps towards Juvi.

Juvi just about manages to hit the finishing move...

But even that looks a little bit dodgy. At least Joe just had to lay there for this one. Ref counts to three and mercifully this one is over. Not sure if Gomez or Juvi are to blame for this shitshow, but either way I advise never putting them together again.

Juventud Guerrera defeats Joe Gomez via Pinfall.

For some reason Mean Gene is on the ramp to interview Nick Patrick. Oh good, more of this storyline.

Before they start the interview though, as Juventud walks past Gene and Patrick, Gene says “very good match there on the part of Juventud Guerrera”, then gives Juvi a disdainful look and mutters “guy just kind of... wanders around here”. LOL. Why is Gene throwing shade at poor Juvi? “Guy just wanders around here”, like he’s a lost child or something. I guess Gene is still salty about the interview with Juvi that went wrong a couple of weeks ago, but come on, that was hardly Juvi’s fault. Obvious Gene is still holding a grudge though. 

I don’t think anybody really wants to hear from these two ballbags but here we are anyway. 

Gene is accusing Patrick of making too many controversial calls for it to just be coincidence, whilst Patrick is accusing Gene of being a shit-stirring cock cheese who needs to get a life. Neither are lying but nobody really cares either. What is funny is that Okerlund is very haughty and dismissive of Patrick - until Patrick threatens to take Gene to court - at which point Gene stutters “well I-I hope that doesn’t happen” before saying “thank you very much Nick Patrick, sir, thank you” to Patrick as he walks off. Pathetic. 

Meanwhile Hogan, Hall, Nash and the Giant are outside in the pouring rain putting those nWo flyers with the “you haven’t seen bad... but it’s coming” slogan on random cars. This seems like a total waste of time as by the time the car owners get back to their vehicles the rain would probably have destroyed those flyers anyway.  Do these guys really have nothing better to do? Tony tells us the nWo are “literally” in the parking lot - as opposed to what, being there in spirit?

Ted DiBiase is the smartest of the lot as he 1) has an umbrella and 2) isn’t wasting his time putting up useless flyers in the pouring rain. He’s talking to somebody in the car, and the announcers are shitting themselves as to who it might be, as they tend to do. For all they know DiBiase might just be talking to the driver. 

“HERE’S A STORY OF TWO BROTHERS, RICK AND SCOTT!”

Just Rick tonight. He comes out doing that sad half-bark he does whenever something is troubling him. 

His opponent, of course, is Flexy Lexy.

Rick Steiner Vs Lex Luger

These two are not exactly known as ‘ring generals’ so I am not expecting a classic here. Let’s see, though. Perhaps we will all be pleasantly surprised. 

After various arm drags, headlocks, shoulder blocks, and so on, this happens.

Uh...

Yeah. Rick is basically molesting Luger in the ring and keeps this up for a disturbing amount of time. I guess it’s meant to show his amateur wrestling background but it basically just looks like sexual assault. Rick’s hands are going to places they really should not. 

Hour two begins with the usual fireworks. Bischoff, Heenan and Tenay come in on commentary for the rest of the show. 

Rick hits Luger with a nice powerslam, and Randy Anderson cannot bear to watch the impact. The crowd bark their approval which, personally, I don’t think is helpful. Rick’s clinical lycanthropy is only going to get worse if people bark at him when he does something good. Or bark at him in general, really.

More cuddling. Back away, Rick. Even Randy Anderson is telling him to cut it out at this point.

Luger takes control with a powerslam and signals for the rack. However, before he can attempt his finishing move...

This dicksplash comes running out waving his arms around. Looks like he’s doing the sieg heil there but fairly sure it’s just the timing of the screenshot.

Anyhow, Patrick tells Luger to follow him out the back, yelling something about the nWo beating up Sting.

Considering Patrick’s recent behaviour, Lex, it might not be wise to...

OK. Never mind. Of course Luger goes running after Patrick, abandoning the match entirely and getting himself counted out. 

Everyone looking towards the entrance way like “where’s he going?” 

Rick Steiner defeats Lex Luger via Countout.

We get a shot of DiBiase talking to the mystery man in the limo. Sting’s voice is heard but it is blatantly piped in from some other promo. He says he���s “tired of the DTA stuff, don’t trust anybody”, so I guess he’s not a fan of Stone Cold Steve Austin. DiBiase pretends to talk to the pre-taped Sting voice until Lex shows up.

A guy who is clearly not Sting gets out of the limo and starts beating up Luger whilst Bischoff screams “NO! NO!”

I have the advantage of hindsight and my monitor is probably bigger than most people’s TVs back in 1996... but still, it’s really obviously not Sting. Were people genuinely fooled by this? 

The nWo along with “Sting” beat Luger down and leave him laying in a broken heap in the rain...

It has not been a good night for Luger. First he got yelled at by the Horsemen, then he spent ten minutes getting inappropriately touched by Rick Steiner during their match, then he gets smacked around by the nWo and left on the ground in the pouring rain. Bad times for sure. Although if you’re stupid enough to follow Nick Patrick anywhere... 

Luger does manage to get back up but ends up just kind of wandering around in the rain looking confused whilst the nWo flee, leaving the limos parked outside the building.

These bois are not impressed by what they have just seen. Tenay looks like a dad who is about to grab his belt and put a whippin’ on somebody. Bischoff is indignant. Heenan wears the expression of a man who was just forced to sit through every Raw from 2015. Pure torture. 

Bischoff says he has an update which is literally “we don’t know where [the nWo] are. I’m sorry. I don’t know”. Well thanks for that. Very helpful. 

We get a long recap of last week’s angle including more footage of the amazing all-out brawl that ended the show. Then we get another nWo advert for their t-shirt. 

A bunch of random jobbers are outside with Luger and Rick Steiner milling around the limo yelling out “DIBIASE!” - as if he’ll just pop up and be like “sup bois?” - pointless endeavour. Rick Steiner is the only one smart enough to bring an umbrella outside. Let that one sink in. Luger chucks a bunch of stuff out of one of the limos onto the floor which seems unnecessary. 

Out comes pre-Flock Billy Kidman. The commentators could not care less, just droning on about Sting’s supposed “defection”. 

The other combatant in this contest is Cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio Jr.

Rey Mysterio Jr Vs Billy Kidman

The announcers spend the entire match in ‘sad voice’, like their dogs have all collectively died. It’s really annoying.

The match spills to the outside very quickly. Rey gets the advantage and rolls Kidman back in. He attempts to jump off the ropes from the apron, but Kidman knows what’s coming and meets Rey with a dropkick to the chest.

Kidman slams Rey in the centre of the ring, runs over to the turnbuckle and leaps off.

Just a two count though. Rey wins the match soon after this by flipping off the ropes onto Kidman.

It looks weak but whatever. This wasn’t anything special.

Rey Mysterio defeats Billy Kidman via Pinfall.

We come back from a commercial and the Dungeon’s of Doom’s “music” is playing, and I put that in inverted commas because it isn’t really music, just a pseudo-creepy OTT villainous laugh accompanied by some kind of chant. Whatever. Normally any sign of the Dungeon is enough to make me want to hang my head in despair, however!

If Meng is involved, it might be somewhat entertaining. Just to note those aren’t two random arms sprouting out of Meng’s shoulders – the Barbarian is behind him.

The announcers are still going on about how tragic Sting’s supposed betrayal is – and Bischoff apologises for “not giving Rey Mysterio the attention he deserves in his match”. I mean, kind of tough to take that apology seriously considering how often this has happened and will continue to happen until Nitro goes out of existence. It is the only time I can recall any commentator in WCW actually apologising for the routine ignoring of the cruiserweights in favour of talking about/complaining about the nWo, though.

These two are the opponents. Yeah, Public Enemy, they definitely deserve that pyro. Sure. Look at them waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

By the way, the commentators are still going on about Sting. I wonder if we’ll get another apology for ignoring this match as well? Not that I’d necessarily blame them here.

Some diehard wrestling fans here. I think we saw them previously – seemingly someone in production has taken a liking to these ladies. They look like they got lost on their way to a PTA meeting, but fuck it, might as well enjoy themselves now. Watch out for the dude behind you though, ladies. That smile worries me a little.

The Faces of Fear Vs Public Enemy

We go to a commercial break, and as soon as we come back Bischoff says “I hate to keep repeating this, but apparently Sting has joined forces with the nWo”. Bullshit, if you hated it that much you’d have shut up about it by now. I mean, jeez, we get it.

This contest is just a brawl, as you’d expect. Not exactly a match for the ages, but all of a sudden, randomly…

This dude on the left appears and begins running/skipping around the ring.

The fuck? It’s like Rockstar Spud’s demented uncle or something. 

He briefly chases Jimmy Hart, then just… vanishes? Oh, and by the way, the commentators make no mention of this. They do not acknowledge this at all. Why? Because they’re talking about everything except the match itself. Literally, I’m not kidding, it’s like this match is not happening. It’s like listening to a radio show or a podcast spliced together with unrelated WCW footage.

Wait, what? What’s happening now? The match is ongoing and they just cut to the back. Judging from the faces of these lads you’d think someone died. It’s a sombre scene to say the least – but seriously, why even have the match in the ring? What’s the point? The commentators are acting like it isn’t happening and we cut to an interview as the match is happening. Bischoff doesn’t even note that we’ve cut away from a match in progress, he just says “take it away Gene”, like this is totally normal. Whatever, I guess. It’s not like I’m desperate to see the Faces of Fear versus Public Enemy, but what a bizarre way to structure… everything.

Gene asks Arn to explain what happened in the parking lot earlier. Seemed quite self-explanatory to me and the commentators have not stopped talking about it since it happened, so the viewers really don’t need any extra information.  

Arn says he doesn’t give a shit about Luger losing a friend, or that he’s lost a team mate, he’s just shocked. He brings up Sting’s loyalty to WCW.

They actually move to a split-screen here – I guess someone in the production truck remembered there is actually a match going on. It wouldn’t be fair to deprive the dozens of Faces of Fear/Public Enemy fans the chance to see their favourite grapplers go at it.

Anyway, Arn says he has a sick feeling in his stomach, he’s shocked, and he’s out of words. He’s said quite a few already, though, so not really.

Flair stands there with his arms folded, eyeing the audience like a disappointed father.

Luger says he doesn’t have any answers, and that his “best friend in the whole world” stabbed him in the back. He then says he knows where Sting lives and where he works out, and he’s going to go and find him “right now”. Sounds like Lex is planning to murk Sting. However, he should keep in mind this is a guy who only last week tried to murder somebody by chucking a rock through the window of a limo, then stole a police car. Come to think of it, I’m not sure why Sting isn’t in jail. Regardless, I wouldn’t be chasing after him without a good plan.

Flair screams that he’s “sick of it” and just generally yells about how they’re going to beat up the nWo at War Games (including Sting). Arn says “it’s a fight to the death – yours, not ours”. I suppose that was worth emphasising? Also Arn has a tendency to see these matches as ending in death, even though it never comes close to that.

We return to the Faces of Fear/Public Enemy match. By “we” I mean the audience – the commentators are still talking about War Games. I genuinely don’t think they have said anything about the match – oh, wait a minute, Bischoff does mention the match, finally. Although he says the teams are “literally fighting for their lives” which is not exactly accurate. What is up with these people thinking matches are going to end so tragically?

Anyway, the brawling continues for a while and eventually, somehow, Rocco Rock ends up lying on a table. Barbarian heads for the top turnbuckle.

Guys, I don’t foresee this ending well. Seriously, what is the absolute best result of this? Rocco (who can clearly see Barbarian on the turnbuckle) for some reason lays there and lets Barbarian jump on him. It’ll be brutal for both. Or, Rocco moves and Barbarian crashes through the table. Either way Barbarian doesn’t win in this scenario.

Uh oh. Jimmy Hart is absolutely useless at holding Rocco down, kicked away like an insect as Rocco sits up.

That is a fucking sick bump. It’s funny because Barbarian barely takes any serious bumps at all, on Nitro at least, then he decides to say fuck it and leaps to the concrete through a table because YOLO I guess?

Well anyway he dead. Rocco brings a second table into the ring.

Looks pretty old. Nick Patrick wags his finger in disapproval, but incredibly that isn’t enough to persuade Public Enemy to stop. They lay Meng on the table, then Rocco goes to the top turnbuckle for a moonsault…

He almost misses the table entirely, only catching Meng with his legs. The table is weak enough that it breaks despite the soft contact.

You’d think that would be the spot that ends the match, but no. Meng gets up like nothing happened and starts brawling with Rocco again. Barbarian is also somehow revived and back in the ring fighting with Grunge. This is weird because the outside table spot with Barbarian getting wiped out, and then Meng getting put through the table by Rocco’s moonsault, felt like the end sequence of the match. Now it’s like we’re back at the start again. Keep in mind the match has been going for about 10 minutes now. That’s at least 7 minutes longer than is ideal for these teams, really.

Whilst Rocco and Barbarian are hugging it out in the corner, Meng puts the Tongan Death Grip on Grunge and now this one is over.

No explanation as to what the fuck was going on with that random ginger guy running around the ring earlier by the way. Oh well. During the replay Heenan accidentally calls Meng “Haku” and then goes silent immediately. Oops.

The Faces of Fear defeat Public Enemy via Pinfall.

Suddenly Okerlund appears at ringside, accompanied by the Dungeon of Doom.

Maxx, Jimmy Hart, Big Bubba, Gene, Kevin Sullivan, Hugh Morrus and Konnan. To quote Rufus from Final Fantasy 7 – “what a crew”.

Sullivan is no longer painting his face with those stupid markings, but for some reason is now wearing a white headband. Does he think he’s the Karate Kid now?

He also starts making this derp face - and this isn’t just a screen grab catching an awkward expression momentarily, he’s making this face on purpose.

For some reason we go to Jimmy Hart first, who tells the Giant “it’s the beginning of the end for you, you just don’t know it yet”. I’m sure he’s quaking in his boots.  

Big Bubba then rants about Glacier, talking about him saying he’s coming for “6 or 7 months” and asking if he’s not debuting because he’s afraid. Slight exaggeration on the 6 or 7 months from Bubba, but to be fair it does feel like those vignettes have been running for at least that long. Bubba actually doesn’t seem to be aware that Glacier debuted on WCW Pro, but it’s WCW Pro, so... understandable. Bubba calls the Dungeon of Doom “the masters of intimidation”…

What he means is that Meng is the master of intimidation. The others aren’t exactly adding much to the equation. Maxx is standing off to the side looking distinctly unimpressed by the entire thing.

With that said, bored does seem to be his default expression regardless of what is happening. I imagine he’d have the same expression even if Bubba was in the process of sprouting three heads whilst doing a kossack dance.

After calling Gene “homes”, Konnan calls Sullivan a “hardened veterano”. He then says Sullivan has seen and led gang wars from coast to coast.

Yes, Kevin Sullivan wearing that silly white headband is exactly what I think of when I think of leaders of gang wars. Sullivan’s ‘wut?’ expression here says it all. I’m not sure you can call the Dungeon of Doom/Alliance to End Hulkamania Versus Hogan and Macho Man a “gang war”. I’m not sure two people can even constitute a gang. Also Sullivan may be worried Konnan is unintentionally (?) implicating him in genuine gang wars… which probably isn’t in the Taskmaster’s best interests.

Konnan challenges the nWo to come out and confront the Dungeon, who he calls “the toughest set”. Yeah, sure. The challenge is not accepted, because the nWo are for sure terrified of a “gang” featuring the likes of Maxx, Kevin Sullivan, Big Bubba and Hugh Morrus.

Sullivan says that Savage thinks he’ll owe the Dungeon “a debt” for carrying him out from the ring last week. I doubt it in all honesty – maybe if they’d actually done something to help him before he’d been beaten down and spraypainted. Carrying him out after the fact didn’t really help much.

Anyhow, Sullivan says Savage can repay this fictional debt by first beating John Tenta, because why not I guess, and then by getting rid of the Giant. That doesn’t really seem like a balanced deal. We carry you backstage after you’ve been beaten up, you make it even by beating John Tenta and the Giant. Hmmm.

Time for some nWo propaganda.

Hogan tells us that they “aren’t here for a stinkin’ reason” – directly contradicting Nash and Hall, who had previously made it clear they’d come in specifically to take over WCW. He then randomly says “we’ve got our boss with us” and points to Ted DiBiase, who’s sitting in a chair behind them.

Homely. DiBiase looks like he’s being held prisoner, but whatever. Hogan says DiBiase makes Ted Turner look like a “pauper”. Honestly I could try to recap this whole thing but it’s really just a bunch of random sound bytes ripping on WCW for the most part. They talk about wanting “their own tag team tournament” for some reason. They also want a segment (on Nitro, presumably) where they can “highlight” their talent. What they actually mean is a segment highlighting Hogan, as we’ll discover going forward. Scott Hall says “nWo 4 life” with the hand sign (might be the first instance of this?) and they all end the segment laughing like it was an amazing joke.

I was a satellite dish owner back then – or rather, my parents were - but no WCW PPVs in the UK, sadly. We only got a butchered hour-long version of Nitro on TNT UK during 1996 & 1997. I didn’t find out that I’d been watching an edited version of the show until many years later. At least now I can sit back and relive the glory of the Faces of Fear Vs Public…. eh, maybe TNT UK were doing us a favour after all.

Back with your bois at the announce desk. Tenay once again has that “stern dad” look, whilst Heenan seems to be whimsically remembering something from years gone by. Take a guess as to what Bischoff is talking about?

A)     The upcoming main event

B)     Meltzer being wrong about everything

C)     Blue Chew

D)     Sting’s betrayal

If you’ve been following along thus far, you’ll know the answer. The lad does genuinely hate big Dave though, and loves that Blue Chew. Come to think of it, what is the main event? I can’t even remember. Sting’s supposed betrayal has been hammered into my brain so many fucking times at this point I can barely conceive of any other event occurring at any wrestling show.

Chris Jericho’s music plays, but…

It’s John Tenta? Still got that stupid haircut by the way. Seriously, fish man, you’ve made your point. Get that shaved.

But yeah, I’m confused here. I thought Jericho was coming out. But hold on, that’s Jericho’s second theme, “One Crazed Anarchist”, aka the Pearl Jam ripoff, not the one he’s using at this point in WCW, which I believe is the Journey ripoff. So John Tenta is in fact the OG “One Crazed Anarchist”. For the record, the theme suits Jericho far more than it suits the former Shark.

As he comes out Tenta says “Savage, you’re not putting me down”. You think so, John?

What exactly has that guy in the hat been up to? That is not the look of an innocent person.

Ohhh yeahhh, it’s the Macho Man. The commentators are pretending that the result of the match is in any doubt, which I suppose they have to do.

John “anti-fish” Tenta Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Savage storms to the ring, but that turns out to be a bad idea as Tenta stomps on the Macho Man’s back as he slides in and then clobbers him with a forearm to the back.

Bad strategy, Macho. Tenta’s moobs though… whoa.

That’s an interesting choice of attire for a wrestling event, madam.

Tenta works over Savage in the corner for a bit. Savage then begins to make a comeback, before for some reason attempting to slam Tenta…

Goes about as well as you’d expect. Macho really needs to work on his strategy.

Bischoff actually specifically says here that Heenan accidentally referred to Meng as “Haku” earlier and wants to make it clear Meng now works for WCW and not the WWF. I guess they were really taking this kind of thing seriously due to the lawsuits flying around at this point in history. Funny though, as you hear these kinds of slip-ups all the time. I mean, if TNA or AEW were sued for every time a commentator accidentally used a competitor’s ex-WWE name there would need to be a legal department created specifically just to deal with the fucking volume. At least Heenan didn’t call it “WWF Nitro”.

Tenta hits Macho with a decent looking drop kick – quite impressive considering his weight. Outside of the ring Savage hits Tenta with a steel chair…

He isn’t disqualified because…? He whacks Tenta twice more with a chair. This is not a no-DQ match, but it is WCW, so fuck the rules unless we need them for storyline purposes, right?

Flying elbow drop!

Macho goes up for a second, but then Teddy Long comes to ringside yelling “Macho!” – what could the so-called “godfather” want with Savage? Also where’s my man Ice Train at? Come to think of it, I just remembered what he was wearing earlier… best for him to stay backstage.

Savage still hits the second elbow drop. Long is gesticulating wildly at Savage and yelling something about the nWo. Savage leaps over the top rope with nice agility.

But before we go any further…

Son, I am disappoint. I can’t even say “A for effort” because that is the lowest tier of effort.

Anyway, Savage follows Teddy to the outside of the arena where Teddy announces “YOU GONNA GO ONE-ON-ONE WITH THE UNDERTAKER PLAYA!”

Actually, they run towards a limo.              

The limo drives off as soon as Savage approaches it. What was the point of that?

Flair and Mongo randomly appear as the limo drives away.

There’s another limo there, but only a box of spraypaint inside it. There are a ton of WCW guys out there now – the Horsemen, the Dungeon, Public Enemy, Juvi, Super Calo, Savage… basically everyone who was on TV tonight. They start spraypainting “WCW” on the limo windows… or rather, they try to. Due to the fact it’s been raining and everywhere is wet it ends up just looking like a green smudge. As an aside, if that is in fact not an nWo limo, somebody is going to be in for a surprise.  

For some reason the commentators are all standing up. Tenay is looking more evil every time he’s on camera. It’s like he wants to reach through the camera and strangle each and every viewer.

Seriously though, he is repeatedly making a “pissed-off dad” face.

“Dad, I borrowed your car…”

“Um… and… I got a speeding ticket…”

“And there’s a dent on the front as I kinda sorta knocked over the mailbox…”

Grounded forever.

Anyway, once they all sit back down Heenan goes on a rant about the nWo which concludes with “if we don’t stop them now then they can’t be stopped”. If only you could glimpse into the future and nWo 2000, Bobby.

Oh, by the way, I guess John Tenta won the match against Savage by count out? It wasn’t announced or shown, but Savage jumped out of the ring and never returned, so…

John Tenta defeats “Macho Man” Randy Savage via Countout.

I guess Tenta was right, Savage didn’t put him down after all. Score one for the fish hating weirdo.

Double A suddenly appears on set. Heenan gives Arn his headset. Can’t help but think it’d be better for Anderson to be in the ring with a mic, as the fans in the arena can’t hear any of this… but whatever.

Arn says that the world is “in shock” and “outraged”. The world is probably a bit of a stretch, but OK. Flair turns up as Arn is talking, as do Benoit and Mongo. Arn says that this all began ten years ago with the original Horsemen, and that they paved the way and showed the nWo how to do it. Technically true. Arn says the nWo want to be the Horsemen “when they grow up”.

Tenay continuing to give that evil stare, even at Arn. Bischoff looks kind of sad.

As an aside, I may have mentioned it before, but I really like this shirt design:

Bischoff begins talking about making mistakes, but Flair interrupts him. Flair screams so loudly that the headset seems to take some damage as the volume decreases slightly. Flair explains War Games – although if you don’t know what it is by this point then what have you been doing with your life? – and says Hogan won’t leave War Games alive. Spoiler alert: he does.

Bischoff then talks about how maybe bringing Hogan in to WCW was “a mistake” and that the Horsemen “haven’t been given their just due”. The same exact sentence could have been said in 2000 and been even more relevant.

WCW then ends the show with a replay of Luger getting beaten up by “Sting” and the nWo. I’m sure he appreciates that. A good thing they reminded us, as I think a whole ten seconds passed at the end there without mention of Sting’s betrayal and my memory had started to go hazy.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 02/09/1996

Boom. The best intro to any wrestling show ever (don’t @ me) makes sure we are sufficiently PUMPED for this edition of WCW Monday Nitro.

Tony reminds us that we are LIVE and it is Labour Day 1996. Once again we are not informed of where WCW is broadcasting from this evening, which normally means it’s a rinky-dink town that WCW thinks deserves no attention. A quick bit of research reveals that tonight we are in the UTC Arena in Chattanooga, Tennesee. 

Tony says they are “celebrating the end of the summer” - who celebrates the end of the summer? Normally that’s not a good thing - and also celebrating the one year anniversary of WCW airing live on TNT. Bust the champers out everybody - what a year it’s been. 

FFS. Tony is wearing that shirt again - the one that looks like an Atari 2600 game vomited all over one half of it. Seriously, one half of the shirt is really normal and boring, and the other half is just disgusting. Trust me guys, I’m no fashion expert, but that thing is a fucking disaster. The one year anniversary of Nitro being live and Tony displays that abomination. Larry looks a bit drunk, and I’m pretty sure that glowing orange/red shirt is awful as well, but fortunately it’s mostly covered by his jacket.

As you can see the guys behind Tony and Larry are majorly excited.  

Tony says that tonight “we have a dandy for you” which doesn’t seem like an appropriate description of adrenaline-pumping WCW wrestling action, but whatever. 

This guy behind Larry has an interesting dress sense. He’s also acting like somebody just bumped into him and spilled their beer. 

His friend comes into shot and just look at that shirt. “Spanish Fly” ? I don’t get it. I don’t think I want to get it.

Anyway, we are told that the main event is the Four Horsemen Vs the Dungeon of Doom in an eight man tag. That’s what Tony classified as “a dandy”, I guess. Bleurgh. By this point the Dungeon are a total irrelevence. The Giant is still technically a part of the group but clearly doesn’t give a shit about them - and why would he? They were nowhere to be seen when the nWo smacked him around and took his title, after all. The rest of the group are mid-card nobodies (sorry Meng), Jimmy Hart and Kevin Sullivan who is effectively semi-retired by this point. Fuck the Dungeon.

Tony also informs us that it’ll be Sting and Luger Vs the Steiner Brothers for the millionth time at some point during the show as well. He brings up the nWo’s brutal attack on the Horsemen and Sting & Luger last week, prompting Larry to say “living in the age of anxiety - to err is human, but to forgive is really stupid” - what? Why does Larry always have to try and sound so smart? Every time he attempts to come out with something profound he ends up sounding like a total buttcrack. I know Tony is thinking the same thing, as once again his face when Larry starts chatting shit is priceless:

“... wut?” - JHC Tony looks tired as hell, like he’s just come off a weekend of partying hard. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t, because it’s Tony Schiavone, but damn. I appreciate having to listen to Larry drone on is like having somebody slap you repeatedly in the face with a used condom, but get some sleep bro.

Tony narrates highlights from last week - the nWo dasdardly spraypainting the Turner production truck, Ted Dibiase appearing, etc. Tony and Larry are jabbering on, but honestly...

I’m paying more attention to the cute girl behind them. Tony is still giving Larry these unfiltered looks of disdain regardless. He may not say anything, but his expression screams “you are a ballsack”. 

DDP’s music hits and the first match of the evening is set to begin.

Page is still in this phase where he comes to the ring with a massive, unlit cigar hanging out of his mouth. I never understood this. I mean, it works for a manager, but not a wrestler who is coming out to... wrestle. At least it’s not as bad as the Giant coming out smoking cigarettes in 1998, but we’ll get to that some time in 2025 so until then let’s not think about it. 

DDP’s opponent is “Das WunderYears” Alex Wright. You may remember last week he leapt off the top rope onto the barricade and concussed himself. Hopefully he’s learned from that moment of idiocy. 

DDP Vs “Das WunderYears” Alex Wright

DDP starts off in control with a few armlocks, headlocks, and other assorted locks. But then Wright comes back with a nice spinning heel kick.

Bam.

Das WunderBra clotheslines Page to the outside and, showing that he really hasn’t leant much from last week at all, jumps over the top rope with a flying cross body on the floor.

At least this time he does actually connect. 

After giving DDP a few punches to the head on the floor, Wright rolls Page back inside and continues to dominate. He then goes for what I think is meant to be a flying clothesline, but Page ducks and somehow Wright’s momentum carries him all the way to the top rope.

Ouch. Better than hitting a guardrail I guess. Nick Patrick is horrified.

Tony and Larry start talking about that stupid Battle Bowl ring again and now I’m confused, because they are suggesting Eddie Guerrero “won” the ring and DDP just has it in his possession. Again, I have to reiterate - BattleBowl is a tournament and the ring signifies you won that tournament. It should not be a title that can be won or lost. Fortunately it isn’t long before WCW forgets about BattleBowl and it is never brought up again.

I just noticed we have some cowboys in the audience.

Yee haw. Scott Scanlon is looking down at you proudly. 

After a couple more minutes of DDP beating down Wright he signals for the Diamond Cutter.

People are starting to react to this a little bit now, although it’s still nowhere near the levels it will be when DDP gets over.

Anyway, Wright is able to power out of the Diamond Cutter and ends up hitting DDP with a nice belly-to-belly suplex.

Wright seems to be taking control again, but soon it all comes crashing down. He whips DDP into the corner, then runs towards him and eats a kick to the gut, at which point...

Bang. Diamond Cutter. DDP wins.

For some reason these guys in the front row are holding their hands up like this.

I don’t know if they’re all giving DDP a 10/10 for the Diamond Cutter or if they just don’t understand you’re supposed to put your fingers together to form a diamond. Strange lads either way. 

DDP defeats “Das WunderYears” Alex Wright via Pinfall.

This was actually a pretty good match in all honestly. DDP did a lot of selling for Wright, who showed a lot of intensity and didn’t look bad in defeat at all. Good job.

Oh god dammit. For nine minutes we hadn’t seen anything of Mean Gene, but here he is. No, he isn’t interviewing Page or Alex Wright - he’s interviewing Nick Patrick. Because everybody is so interested in this dumb storyline about a referee who blatantly does his job badly but never gets punished for it.

Anyhow, Gene says he doesn’t want to question Patrick’s integrity but noticed that “even in this match, you were a little slow on the draw”. Absolute bullshit. Gene is just stirring the pot as usual. Patrick suggests that Gene watches the match again and says Gene is a shit-stirring cumstain who needs to mind his own business. Well, he doesn’t say it like that exactly, but he does say that Gene is the one stirring things up which is completely true. 

Patricks notes that his controversial calls have been reviewed by WCW and asks why he’d still be here refereeing if they were such a problem. A fair point. Patrick talks about Randy Anderson blowing a call between Hogan and Flair and points out Gene isn’t running up and asking Anderson questions. Basically calling Okerlund a hypocritical toerag. 

Patrick accuses Gene of spreading lies, and tells everyone at home that it is all lies. It’s great to see somebody finally call Gene out on his bullshit. “Are you calling me a liar?” Gene asks, and Patrick confirms that he is. Patrick says he’s here to enforce the law and “if you’re in the ring with me, you better follow the rules”. Yeah, good luck with that considering how lax WCW are when it comes to rules, but whatever.

What’s funny about this segment is that Patrick is supposed to be the heel, but he made a number of completely valid points and made Gene look like a complete fool. I love it even though it doesn’t make much sense. The interview ends with Gene saying “I think I’ve just been called a liar”. Yes, Gene, Patrick literally said you were a liar. There wasn’t any ambiguity there. 

We get this advert, and... hmm. Not sure about that slogan. 

Oh God. So 90s and so awful. At least they got an actual wrestler to model the merch rather than Bobby Heenan this week, although why Gene needs to be there again is beyond me. Bagwell says the shirt looks great, feels great, and the ladies love it. I’m not sure any of those statements are true. Apparently those shirts are $37.95 plus $7.95 for shipping and handling. $45 for that? Really? I’ll pass.

Oh good, more Mean Gene, accompanied by Col. Parker and Sister Sherri. WCW shirts are hanging out of the lockers as usual, because of course. Parker is holding a big present under his arm, which Sherri is very interested in. She is wearing sunglasses indoors, for whatever reason. 

Gene tries to talk about Harlem Heat’s upcoming tag team title match, but Parker says Harlem Heat are on their own as he is here to woo “twinkle eyes” and says he brought her some presents tonight, whilst repeatedly calling her “twinkle eyes”. He sounds incredibly creepy. He tells Gene he promised Sherri he’d take her to his farm and they’d sit in the front porch and talk about having sex all night long. Urgh. Sherri excitedly opens one of Parker’s gifts and screams.

Yuck. Parker says she’ll need that vest because she’s coming to his farm to ride his “John Henry”. He claims it’s a horse but I’m pretty sure by the way he’s talking it’s a skeevy reference to his penis.

Gene is enjoying imagining this. Sick. Gene says he knows all about John Henry. Gross.

The next gift is more leather clothing and Sherri is for some reason absolutely thrilled, leaping into Parker’s arms in delight.

Looks like John Henry will be getting plenty of action tonight. What a repulsive segment. Nobody cares about this stupid pairing and the less I hear about “John Henry” the better.

The teams for the next match are already in the ring, so apparently we sacrificed watching the entrances for these teams to watch that nonsense between Parker and Sherri. Great. Anyway, it’s Harlem Heat against Greg “the Hammer” Valentine and... who the fuck is that on the apron? To google. Buddy Valentino? OK. Valentine and Valentino. I have no comment.

Harlem Heat Vs Greg Valentine and Buddy Valentino

If you mentioned you knew a Greg Valentine and Buddy Valentino could they look any less appropriate for those names than these two? Valentino actually makes Valentine look trim. 

As an aside Tony informs us that this is the debut of referee Mark Curtis.

Not sure why anybody would care about a debuting referee but whatever. Considering we have an angle featuring Gene Okerlund and Nick Patrick squabbling maybe WCW does think its audience gives a shit. Larry asks if Curtis was checked out by the FBI before being hired, possibly because of the moustache. Even so, what a weird thing to say and kind of insulting to Curtis.

Before the match even begins Ted DiBiase comes sauntering through the crowd again. Ted needs to work on his time management, as this is the second week in a row he’s turned up late. 

As you can see the match has started but all crowd attention is focused on DiBiase, as they cheer his arrival. 

For some reason Larry is now parrotting this “fifth Horseman” nonsense that Bischoff started last week. THEY ARE CALLED THE FOUR HORSEMEN AND THE GROUP IS ALREADY FULL, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. 

As far as the match goes, Valentine dominates Booker and then tags Valentino in. Big mistake as this fat fuck immediately starts getting pummelled.

His moobs are flapping around and it’s gross. Valentino my ass. 

In fairness to Valentino he does manage to execute a decent looking dropkick. He’s soon back to getting his butt kicked by the Heat, though, and damn is he slow. He runs in slow motion. 

Eventually Booker kicks his head off with a Harlem Sidekick and goes for the pin, but Valentino kicks out - albeit the laziest kickout I’ve ever seen. It was so weak that the commentators at first aren’t even sure if he did get his shoulder up.  

We are informed that “the wrestling insider” Mike Tenay is joining WCW as an official, regular announcer and will be with Bischoff and Heenan for hour number two. I’m sure Tenay is quite happy to be put straight onto the big boy’s table and not have to stand around ringside with Tony’s horrendous shirt and Larry’s horrendous monologues.

Booker hits Valentino with another kick, although this one looks terrible and barely grazes the side of his head. After spending what feels like forever smacking around Valentino, Booker finally hits the Harlem Hangover from the top rope...

And this one is thankfully over. 

Harlem Heat defeat Greg Valentine and Buddy Valentino via Pinfall.

Of course Mean Gene is back out to stick his beak into proceedings, this time interviewing Harlem Heat.

Gene asks about the Heat’s match with the Nasty Boys at Fall Brawl. Stevie Ray says he’s “sick of those fat, beer drinking suckers” and says the Heat are here to defend the belts and they’ll take on anybody - “now can you dig that, sucka?”. Booker starts chatting shit about the Nasty’s as well, which prompts them to come out to brawl.

Booker and Stevie suffer an epileptic fit from viewing the Nasty Boys horrific shirts and are unable to defend themselves as they are attacked. 

Booker gets hit with a spike piledriver as pockets of the crowd for some reason chant “Nasty’s”. The rest of the crowd are shielding their eyes and attempting not to go blind from looking at these shirts.

We go to commercial and...

... see Glacier acting like a douche as always.

Stinko is coming out for the next match. Mike Tenay has come out early to join Tony and Larry on commentary. Unlucky. 

Dean’s opponent is Chris Jericho, coming out to his adorably pathetic Turner stock music. 

Dean Malenko Vs Chris Jericho

A lot of back-and-forth to begin this one, with some arm-holds, mat-wrestling and suplexes. All good stuff as you’d expect from these two. 

Stinko hits Jericho with a brutal looking brainbuster. 

Ted DiBiase decides he’s had enough and leaves. He sat through the entirely of the abortion that was Harlem Heat Vs Valentine and Valentino, yet as soon as some genuinely good wrestling happens he walks off. 

He’s being led up the stairs by a police officer so maybe his car has been broken into or something. I don’t know.  Larry thinks DiBiase needs to go to the bathroom to take a piss and/or shit. Why he’d need a police officer to accompany him on that endeavour is not explained. 

Back in the ring we have this unsettling visual...

Stinko asks Patrick to check on Jericho, and when he does...

Grabs the ropes to apply extra pressure. What a cheating bellwhiff. No wonder Jericho ripped on him so hard a couple of years later. Patrick not seeing Malenko cheating will obviously factor into his “bad ref” storyline, despite 99% of refs also being just as unobservant and dense.

Stinko continues to dominate this one, then as Jericho is leaning against the ropes Malenko hits him with a cross body and they both go tumbling outside.

Weeee!

Jericho eventually rolls back into the ring, then jumps onto the top turnbuckle to execute a flying cross body to Dean on the outside. He actually nearly slips on the rope but thankfully just about keeps his balance.

For some reason this woman on the far right is aggressively giving Jericho the thumbs down. For some reason she really seems to dislike him - or she’s just been won over by Deano’s excessive charm and charisma. Note the two empty seats - the culprits for breaking into and/or stealing Ted’s car, perhaps?

Jericho rolls Malenko back into the ring and hits him with a missile dropkick from the top rope.

Good connection. 

Jericho attempts to hit Stinko with a tombstone piledriver, but Malenko reverses into one of his own and spikes Jericho hard!

Malenko is no Undertaker, though, so Jericho kicks out at two. Malenko attempts to pin Jericho multiple times but no dice. 

Jericho manages to hit Deano with a lovely bridging German suplex, which also only gets a two. After some more back and forth chain wrestling holds Jericho manages to get Malenko into a forward roll...

And gets the pin for the upset victory! Great match from these two. Perfect to wash the bad taste of the previous tag team match out of our mouths.

Chris Jericho defeats Dean Malenko via Pinfall.

Jericho rolls out of the ring to celebrate with “Spanish Fly” and his crew.

Everyone is very happy indeed.

This guy with a terrible mullet wants a double high five but Jericho sees his hair and is like, nope.

Nope.

After a video looking at Rey Jr and Super Calo, who are fighting at Fall Brawl, it’s time for the Giant and Jimmy Hart to make their entrance.

His opponent, Brad “America, Fuck Yeah” Armstrong is already in the ring. 

The Giant Vs Brad Armstrong 

Armstrong attempts to cuddle Giant from behind, but Giant just slams his butt into Armstrong’s stomach which stops that dead in its tracks. Tony calls Brad Armstrong “a top contender for the Cruiserweight title” which... no. I could be wrong but I don’t remember Brad Armstrong ever competing for that title. If he was in that bracket why in the world would he be in a match against the Giant anyway?

Unsurprisingly the Giant dominates the entire match, then picks Armstrong and his ratty hair up for the chokeslam.

SPLAT. 

The Giant defeats Brad Armstrong via Pinfall.

This time it’s a Hollywood monologue.

Hogan says the nWo are “stylin” and they don’t have to sneak around and hide in the shadows - which is an odd thing to say as these guys literally specialise in sneak attacks, but okay. Hogan says they are “the champions of the world” and have “the nWo belt”. 

“Way to go guuuuys!” he says in a very disturbing fashion. Hogan finds a baseball bat from somewhere.

“We hit a home run.”

Hogan says the Giant cried after he beat him for the title, and that Ric Flair cried after he got beaten by Hogan as well. He says WCW stands for “World Crybaby Wrestlers”. This is so childish, but I kind of love it. Hogan says at War Games Sting will be stung, Luger will be hung (... what?), Flair won’t be there, and Arn won’t be Arn anymore, brother. I guess he couldn’t find a rhyme for Arn. 

Hogan says Hall and Nash brought him up to speed, and he knows what works now. You have to take what you want and bond together - “for business reasons only”... not sure what the other implication is there, but okay. Hogan says the way Sting, Luger, Flair and Arn bonded brought a tear to his eye, but it was “real weak”. Hogan promises that WCW will be destroyed at War Games and that “anything less would be too civilised” - then busts out this ridiculous, over-the-top maniacal villain laugh which is stupid but also awesome.

“GYAHAHAHAHAHA!”

That was pretty fun.

We come back and no, that isn’t Vince McMahon’s limo from 2007 about to explode, it’s an as of yet identified limo accompanied by the Nitro hour number two count down. Bischoff is already on commentary and welcomes us back. 

Fireworks explode for hour number two of WCW Monday Nitro. 

Mike Tenay officially appears as the third member of the hour number two broadcast team, and our first impression is him grinning creepily at Bischoff. Tone it down Mike. I will say that Mike is certainly the best dressed of the three - boring but professional. Bischoff is wearing that gross WCW denim shirt and Heenan has a decent enough jacket but what appears to be a disaster of a shirt beneath it.

As Bischoff and Heenan chat Tenay stares into the camera for a long time and it’s kind of unsettling. Heenan says “they [the nWo] want to make us out to be idiots, but we aren’t idiots here in WCW” ... um... objection. 

Bischoff tells the nWo “you can’t see me” whilst Tenay continues to leer grossly into the camera. Seriously Mike, stop it.

We get another recap of the nWo spraypainting the production truck, and Ted DiBiase throwing up the two finger salute.

“Fuck all’a’yous.” 

This still makes me laugh.

Out next is our good friend, the “Vanilla Gorilla” Ron Studd. He comes out slapping his bald head like he’s Goldberg or something. Seriously Ron, buy a razor and shave that disgusting rug off the front of your body. Urgh. 

Pomp & Circumstance hits, letting us know that the Macho Man is on his way out.

I don’t foresee this ending well for the Vanilla Gorilla. Huge pop for Macho, as you’d expect. They love him down in Tennessee. 

Ron Studd Vs “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Heenan tries to suggest Savage has “bitten off more than he can chew” facing Ron Studd, which is just nonsense. This guy was handily beaten by Chris Benoit who was significantly smaller than him, so I don’t think Randy is going to have too much trouble here.

The Vanilla Gorilla does start on the offensive, shoving Savage down to the mat after a lockup and then proceeding to club Savage across the back multiple times.

He’s shouting something to the crowd but it’s too slurred to make any sense of.

As Studd continues to work over Macho in the corner, we switch to the limo.

Oh yeah, your boys have arrived. Hogan, Hall and Nash get out of the limo, the notice the camera (which has been there literally since the limo arrived, so I’m not sure why they act surprised by this), insinuate there is someone in the car they want to keep hidden, and yell for the camera guy to get the fuck out of here.

For some reason Ron Studd is still beating up on Macho Man. He’s getting in way too much offence here. Chris Benoit beat this guy easily, so why is Savage having such a hard time? 

Finally Macho gets a grip, and whilst Studd is on the outside he jumps off the top rope to hit a double sledge to the Super Giant Ninja’s back.

Savage then rolls Studd into the ring, hits him with a scoop slam, connects with the flying elbow off the top...

And it’s over. Savage wins with literally three moves of offence. Ron Studd sucks.

“Macho Man” Randy Savage defeats Ron Studd via Pinfall.

We see Mean Gene for the first time in a while, intervewing Macho. Check out his tie...

Awful. It looks like a kid grabbed a white tie and drew all over it with marker pens before wiping their ass with it. Anyway, Gene notes that Savage is facing Hogan at Halloween Havoc, but first has to take on the Giant at Fall Brawl.

Savage says he wishes Halloween Havoc was tonight, because he guarantees “to you, the zillions of people around the world and the universe (?) that I’m going to beat up Hollywood Hulk Hogan and take away everything that he wants, ‘cause that makes me happy”. Gene can’t resist stirring the pot, of course, and tells Savage that “behind closed doors” people are concerned about his mental state. “Some people are saying that you’re living on the edge right now and aren’t mentally stable”. Which people, Gene? Name some names or shut the fuck up. Savage says he is living on the edge, and anybody who isn’t is taking up too much room. Savage says the Giant couldn’t handle the pressure, that he is “meat”, and he guarantees victory against the Giant and Hogan. Savage claims he likes the pressure being on him and he operates better that way. He says Giant and Hogan will melt “when the heat of the Macho Man brings them all the way down. Ohhhh yeah!”

This was actually one of Savage’s better and more coherent promos, although he should have popped Gene in the jaw for his high-school gossiping “people have been saying” bullshit.

Someone in the crowd has a very outdated WWF “Hulk Rules” giant hand. I’m surprised they haven’t taken that away.

We come back from a commercial and Sting’s entrance music is playing.

“HERE’S A STORY OF TWO BROTHERS, RICK AND SCOTT!”

The crowd barks in approval as the Steiners accompanied by Scotty’s ridiculous arms make their entrance.

Madness in the stands.

Sting & Luger Vs The Steiner Brothers

Before the match begins we get a shot of the Horsemen running towards the limo out the back.

The door is open but nobody is inside, obviously. Would have made much more sense for these guys to have run out to the limo, I don’t know, about an hour ago. I have no idea what took them so long as they have apparently been at the arena the entire time. 

The Horsemen march back into the arena as Bischoff says “if they [the nWo] are in the building we need security here” - uh, Eric, you always need security. The nWo’s arrival shouldn’t prompt you to call a security company.

After a commercial break we’re back in the ring and the match finally gets underway. We start off with Luger and Rick Steiner.

Just look at Rick Steiner’s attire. That’s straight out of the Nasty Boys handbook. Even his boots are two different colours for some reason. The announcers are shitting their pants over the nWo being in the building and Bischoff says security are in the backstage area, as aparently for some reason that isn’t a normal occurance. 

Luger and Rick Steiner tie up and back into the ropes, at which point Nick Patrick calls for the bell...

Everyone is confused. Patrick has DQ’d Sting and Luger but I have no idea why, and neither does anybody else. I think it’s because Rick Steiner pushed Luger who accidentally bumped into Patrick. What a crock.

Patrick tries to raise the Steiners’ arms in victory but they are having none of it. They are as pissed off as Sting and Luger. 

Sting and Luger menacingly stalk Patrick up the ramp and into the backstage area, presumably to give him an atomic wedgie and leaving him dangling from the lockers alongside the WCW t-shirts. The crowd boo at this bullshit finish.

The Steiner Brothers defeat Sting and Luger via Disqualification.

As the commentators continue to shit over Nick Patrick and his idiocy, the Dungeon of Doom make their way out. 

Sullivan, Jimmy Hart, Big Bubba, Meng and Babarian - all coming out in single file except for Jimmy Hart. Taskmaster is wearing that insane shirt again. I don’t know if he’s become self-conscious about his upper body or what, but it’s fine by me either way.

The Horsemen along with their lovely ladies make their way out. Big pop for the Horsemen - although I imagine mostly for Flair and the women. 

We’re told Sting and Luger have apparently run Nick Patrick out of the arena. A shame, as he really does deserve a wedgie.

The Dungeon of Doom Vs The Four Horsemen

Mongo starts off against Sullivan, who has unfortunately now taken his shirt off. Mongo somehow gets the better of the Taskmaster, who quickly tags out to Big Bubba, who proceeds to yell and jump on the spot like a child throwing a tantrum.

The Horsemen are not impressed.

Mongo continues to dominate, taking Bubba into the corner and tagging in Benoit. Bubba immediately pushes Benoit into the opposite corner and the Barbarian tags in. Barbarian and Benoit exchange chops, with neither man selling, before Barbarian hits a knee to the gut and takes control.

Barbarian misses a splash in the corner, allowing Benoit to hit him with a german suplex and head up to the top rope. Sullivan tries to put a stop to things but ultimately Benoit is able to connect with the flying headbutt.

Bischoff says police are backstage and Sting and Luger are in the thick of it. 

As it turns out they are still chasing Patrick out of the building. Nick runs for his life as Sting and Luger casually walk like a couple of horror movie villains stalking their prey. 

Patrick disappears behind the truck, at which point Sting and Luger notice Ted DiBiase getting into the limo still parked out back. At this point Sting picks up a massive rock...

And hurls it through the side window. He chucks a fucking rock through the side of the limo. Jesus christ. The limo speeds away, at which point these two insane people approach a policeman.

Now this guy must have seen Sting smash that limo window with a huge rock, potentially murdering whoever was inside - but for some reason he isn’t attempting to arrest Sting. Instead Sting just pushes him aside, then he and Luger hop into the police car and drive it away in pursuit of the limo.

They literally just stole a police car, on national television, after throwing a massive rock through the window of a limo, all right in front of a policeman. Holy fuck. Sting is going to jail for a long time. 

With that utter insanity out of the way, we are back in the ring.

Where Flair is attempting to fight Meng. His best bet is to go and grab one of the rocks Sting just used and smash it over Meng’s head. It might slow Meng down for a couple of seconds at least. 

Seriously though, I can’t believe what I just saw. I’m still trying to process it. Sting, the guy who is supposed to be hero to the kids and all around good guy of WCW, just tried to cave in somebody’s head with a boulder then stole a police car. I’m stunned, and it’s incredibly stupid, but I LOVE IT.

Flair realises he can’t fight Meng, so he drops to his knees and gives Meng a low blow. Meng waddles away, barely selling it. Sullivan jumps into the ring but also takes a forearm to the balls.

Barbarian then gets kicked in the balls as well.

Big Bubba is like, nope, I like my balls on the outside of my body, thank you very much. Flair struts, very pleased with himself. The referee has seen Flair give every low blow but for some reason isn’t disqualifying him. I’m sure Mean Gene will be right out here to grill him like he does every time Nick Patrick breathes. Or not. 

This useless cop is reporting that his car was stolen. Heenan says this guy will be “at the crossing guard station tomorrow”. Yeah - leaves his car open and unlocked, keys in the ignition, watches as a guy pulverises a limo window with a rock and then stands around whilst the guy who destroyed said window hops in and takes off in his car. What a dunce.

Bischoff says it’s “uncharacteristic of Sting”. I think it’s uncharacteristic of most sane people in fairness. Trying to murder people with large rocks and stealing police cars is not exactly an everyday occurance for the majority of the population. Sting needs to be locked up for a long time and possibly sent for psychiatric help, as the guy has clearly snapped and is a danger to society.

Well anyway, back in the ring Arn Anderson is first worked over by Kevin Sullivan, the Big Bubba comes in and takes over.

A big uppercut has Arn reeling. Things get worse for Arn as Meng is soon tagged in to up the punishment. 

A number of tags and moves later Flair has the Taskmaster in the figure four, whilst a brawl breaks out at ringside between the two teams. For some reason Benoit is arguing with Woman, who basically tells him to do one and helps Flair keep the figure four on Sullivan.

The referee counts the pin as Sullivan’s shoulders go down...

And Flair gets the win. WTF. Not often you see somebody pinned with a figure four. Whatever. 

The Four Horsemen defeat The Dungeon of Dicks via Pinfall.

Literally seconds after the bell rings Scott Hall appears, slamming Benoit’s head into the ring steps.

He walks over to Flair and clocks him and his sagging moobs with a couple of right hands.

Hollywood arrives and begins beating on Flair as well.

Nash meanwhile is in the ring beating on Sullivan and the Barbarian. Hogan enters to join the fun.

Heenan announces that he is leaving the broadcast booth. Smart decision.

As Hall and Nash work over Meng and the Barbarian, Hogan decks Randy Anderson who takes a comical bump. As the nWo continue beating on everybody, the crowd roars...

Uh oh. Here comes the Giant. 

He stands and stares at the nWo for a few moments, then...

Chokeslams to Meng and the Barbarian, then hugs all around with the nWo. Bischoff and Tenay are screaming and wailing in disbelief, but honestly, I can’t blame the Giant here. As I said earlier, where the fuck were the Dungeon when the nWo beat down the Giant and took his title? Fucking nowhere. They’re a bunch of losers (apart from Meng obv) who nobody gives a shit about. They have shit music, a shit name, shit wrestlers (except Meng obv) and just suck a massive dong. Even when he was champion Giant was never shown any respect by Sullivan - who if you recall said at one point with the Giant standing beside him that he only respected two people in wrestling, Flair and Anderson - so frankly I’m not surprised in the slightest that the Giant is thinking “screw these bellends”. He’s definitely improving his status here.

Anyway, Macho runs in and cracks Giant over the back with a chair.

He then belts Hall and Nash over the head for good measure.

He swings at Hogan’s head so hard that he literally would have killed him if he actually connected...

At which point Hogan tackles Macho to the ground and the nWo proceed to beat him down. Hogan cracks Macho over the head with the chair, then brings the chair down twice on Macho’s back whilst Nash punches Flair off the apron.

Garbage begins to pelt the ring as Giant picks up Macho for the chokeslam...

And Hogan hits Savage with a leg drop.

He then hits another two for good measure.

Suddenly Arn Anderson appears in the corner of the screen holding a plastic blue chair.

However as he stalks on the side of the ring Nash walks over and delivers a big boot to Arn’s face, sending him and the chair crashing to the floor.

Mongo casually strolls onto the apron holding a normal steel chair, like an idiot, and Nash promptly smashes him across the face.

Savage meanwhile gets “nWo” spraypainted on his chest. Hogan rolls him over, pulls some yellow spraypaint out of his tights, and proceeds to spray a big yellow line up Savage’s back.

A “yellow streak” if you will. 

The nWo finally leave the ring, which is total carnage.

They aren’t done yet though. They head over to the announce booth and commandeer it, sending Bischoff and Tenay running. Heenan smartly got the fuck out of there as soon as this craziness started. 

Nash says “we shook up the world, baby!”, whilst Hogan yells “is there any question now who is the most powerful man in professional wrestling? Is there any question what [tears shirt off] is the most powerful organisation in professional wrestling? We got a hold of the Giant, we straightened his head out, and now there’s not four, there’s not five... Mr. DiBiase, ha ha ha ha!”

The Giant begins telling a story about how DiBiase called him to fly to Florida, and Giant went to Hogan’s massive house. Hogan interrupts to ask the Giant to spit on the WCW sign he has ripped off the announce booth, and Giant duly complies.

Gross. Hall and Hogan both spit on it as well.

Hogan chills on the announce desk whilst Giant continues telling us that Hogan has a million motorbikes and cars and whatever else...

This riveting tale is interrupted when the Dungeon and the Horsemen make their way over to the announce booth to continue where they left off in the ring.

Sullivan literally launches that plastic blue chair right at the nWo, and the scene completely breaks down into absolute fucking chaos. It’s amazing. The crowd are going ballistic as the nWo, the Horsemen and the Dungeon get into an incredible brawl.

This is awesome.

Eventually the two sides are separated, and Giant thinks it’s a good idea to try and continue telling his story. He is seemingly quite desperate to give us all the juicy details of how rich and cool Hogan is.

Hogan is bored of Giant’s long-winded attempt at telling us detail-by-detail how amazing Hogan’s house is, so he interrupts Giant mid-sentence.

He says that Giant can have everything Hogan showed him, and Hogan will get him a part in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s new movie. Hogan says “if you like it, or you don’t like it, it’s the best thing going today”. Giant tries to say it in tandem with Hogan but fails.

Incredibly Giant again tries to resume his story, saying “I sat down at a table...” but Hogan once again cuts him off by grabbing the announce table and flipping it over, which Giant helps with.

The headsets come flying off, which thankfully ends Giant’s sad attempts to relay his enthralling story of how he went and had tea with Hulk Hogan.

Giant struggles to pick up one of the announce chairs and then trips and stumbles as he throws it to the ground.

Hogan is unimpressed.

As the Nitro music starts to play we get this badass shot of Hall, Nash, Hogan and Giant standing their ground at the announce position.

And this sad shot of yellow-streaked Randy Savage being helped to the back by Meng and the Barbarian.

This is, without question, the best ending to a Nitro ever. Don’t even try to argue it with me. This was fucking amazing. The last 20 minutes or so of this show are absolute chaos and I love it. Sting and Luger go crazy, smashing a limo window with a huge fucking rock and stealing a police car right in front of a cop. Then an almighty brawl breaks out between the nWo and the Horsemen/Dungeon, with the nWo brutalising everybody in the ring. Giant’s heel turn (at the time still fresh, this was before he’d turned face/heel a million times) was shocking and had a huge impact. Then we get a second brawl at the announce area which is total carnage, whilst the crowd is going nuts. This right here is peak WCW, my friends. My favourite ending to any Nitro, bar none. Goodbye and goodnight.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 26/08/1996

Note: It’s been over a year since I posted anything new, but this is still an active Tumblr so here’s something for the handful of people who I suddenly noticed are following this! Also RIP Mean Gene Okerlund. I may rag on him a lot in these retrospectives but he was a legend and will be missed. Onto the final WCW Nitro of August 1996. 

So, this is curious. We start off with the usual intro, then as the fireworks are going off and Tony and Larry Z are welcoming us to the broadcast... there are already two people in the ring. We’re in a rush tonight, clearly.

Our combatants for the first bout of the evening are Juventud Guerrera and Billy Kidman. This is in fact Juvi’s debut on WCW Nitro. Hopefully he gets better treatment than poor Psychosis. 

Juventud Guerrera Vs Billy Kidman

We’re not even a minute into the match and Tony manages to call our debutant “Juventud Guerrero”. That’s something else you can get used to, as this mistake happens frequently throughout Juvi’s time in WCW. In this instance Larry does correct Tony and note that it’s “Guerrera” rather than “Guerrero”. 

As the match is in progress Tony informs us that the Horsemen will be facing the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express later in the program, a match that would have been good in the 80s but not so much in 1996. 

Juvi and Kidman slap each other on the apron for a few moments, then Juvi flips over him and hits a powerbomb onto the floor.

 Juvi dominates for a while with a few lucha flips, but then Kidman hits back. After a while Kidman attempts to hit the ever impressive shooting star press...

And he connects, but Juvi kicks out! 

Juvi hits a hurricanrana off the top rope which Tony somehow calls a “reverse victory roll” - wut? - and gets the three count. Juvi screams “I am the best!” into the camera whilst Tony keeps trying and failing to pronounce hurricanrana with a spanish accent. Larry then says to just call it “the flying fajita” in a nice bit of casual racism. 

Juventud Guerrera defeats Billy Kidman via pinfall.

Gene is in the ring, and they seem to think it’s a good idea to give this guy an interview.

As it turns out, it isn’t. The interview starts well with Gene saying Juvi isn’t “adept at English” and Gene admitting he can’t speak Spanish - “no comprende Espanyol amigo”. Always a good idea to have an interview between two people who don’t speak each other’s language. Gene asks about Juvi facing Konnan for the Mexican title. Juvi says something unintelligible in broken English before switching to yelling something in Spanish. The crowd start booing loudly and Juvi is confused by this reaction.

Juvi takes back the mic and screams “I am the best wrester Mexican”. Juvi actually manages to speak some fairly fluent English for a moment as he says he has one more thing to say - everybody in Mexico knows the New World Order, and then loses his train of thought and says something about nobody in mexico being scared of them or something. Crowd has started booing again, and Gene, realising this thing is dying a terrible death, cuts the interview with a condescending “give it a rest pal, you can take this up with somebody else”, walking away and shaking his head as if somehow this is Juvi’s fault and he’s too old for this shit. 

Poor Juvi just stands there looking like a dope.

Juvi was very over at the end of the match. He was dead in the water after the interview. Good going WCW.

We get a Glacier commercial, and it’s a new one! After seeing the same promo for literally months, we finally get some fresh material...

It’s just Glacier spinning a stick around in front of a white wall with weird markings on it. He’s basically Star Wars kid before Star Wars kid became a thing. Maybe we got it all wrong and he was actually copying Glacier. 

We get our first look at Tony and Larry...

Look at that multicoloured abomination on Larry’s torso. WTF kind of a shirt is that. I hope he didn’t pay too much for it.

Seriously. Dafuq. Looks like he’s wearing a child’s colouring book, with bad colouring in to boot.

Anyway, they talk about the Four Horsemen teaming up with Sting and Luger and we get a recap of the promo last week between these gentlemen confirming the agreement. The crowd are still booing at something, but not sure if it’s still Juvi or something else entirely. Rough audience tonight. 

Larry starts babbling about King Nebuchadnezzar and the “five orders” and Tony’s face during this is absolutely priceless.

He’s literally staring off with this “wtf?” gaze for about ten seconds before turning back to Larry like, “u srs?” 

He has no idea what is going on. 

After Larry finishes his soliloquy on empires and other bullshit, Tony informs us that later on we’ll be seeing Mongo & Benoit Vs Sting & Luger. Can I ask why? Why the fuck would you do that with War Games coming up? Sting and Luger are teaming with the Horsemen at War Games, so why would they...? You know what, forget it. Next match is up. First up... AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES...

But Riggs is injured so it’s actually Bagwell teamed up with Jim “Jobber” Powers and his manager Teddy Long. 

What a trio. Worth noting Dave Penzer calls Long “the Godfather”... Godfather of what? Jobbers? Where did that nickname come from? Does Long have some kind of Mafia history we haven’t been told about? Penzer also says they’ll be accompanied by Riggs but he’s nowhere to be seen. Guess he had better things to do. 

Speaking of trios...

Their opponents are Sullivan and Big Bubba accompanied by Jimmy Hart. Oh boy. I can’t imagine this is going to be a match of the year candidate. Also the name graphic makes it look like it’s just “Taskmaster Big Bubba”. 

Marcus Bagwell & Jim “Jobber” Powers Vs Kevin Sullivan & Big Bubba

Before the match we see a quick compilation of “tree of woe” moves and the double foot stomp finisher from Sullivan, after which Tony calls Sullivan “one of the most dangerous men we’ve seen in our sport for many years”. Yeah... but no. Just no. Larry then says in class he used to see kids pulling wings off flies, but Sullivan used kittens. Okay, first, where are these winged kittens that Larry is talking about? Secondly, if we assume he’s actually talking about Sullivan ripping kittens limbs off... what the fuck?

Jobber Jim actually surprisingly gets some early offence on Sullivan, during which Larry calls Jimmy Hart “a mental genius of the game”. OK.

This match goes on for way too long, but there’s a funny spot near the end where Jobber Jim is ramming both Jimmy Hart and Sullivan’s heads into the turnbuckle.

Still say the background illustration on Hart’s jacket looks more like Nash than the Giant.

Powers hits Bubba with a cross body in the wing and pins him for a three count. Everyone is shocked. But then Patrick decides the shoulder was up and restarts the match. Why did he even count the three if the shoulder was up? Don’t know.

Bubba hits his sidewalk slam and this time a three is counted for the Dungeon. Hah. Jim Powers can’t even win without losing. Honestly though, this match was better than it had any right to be considering the participants, just went a bit too long and the finish was really dumb. 

Sullivan & Big Bubba defeat Marcus Bagwell & Jim “Jobber” Powers via pinfall.

Post match “the godfather” is yelling at Patrick but nobody cares. Maybe he’ll order a hit on him later. Larry calls Long a “buttinski”. I assume that’s an insult. They show a replay which blatantly shows Bubba got his shoulder up way after the three count, but Larry acts like it was a close call because he’s either blind or stupid.

Gene-o is in the ring with the victors.

Bubba says he should be getting all the title shots and should be in all the main events and he won’t be overlooked again, starting tonight. Good luck with that. Bubba also calls out Glacier, which is nice because other than the announcers nobody else has mentioned him despite two months of vignettes. Hart mocks Glacer’s “blood runs cold” tagline and says “the only thing that’s going to be running is you”. Burn. 

Sullivan complains that if everybody has listened to him about Hogan then “all of this wouldn’t be going on”. No, instead we’d still have you running around with the Shark, the Zodiac and all of those other idiots in the Dungeon. Sullivan claims he saw Okerlund on a boat with Hogan a week ago. Gene says “that wasn’t me, that was Eric Bischoff”. Easy mistake to make. Love how Gene instantly tries to dump Bischoff in the shit. What a snake. Gene asks if the guy had hair, to which Sullivan says “the guy had a bald head, it was you”. Taskmaster ain’t bullshitting tonight. Not sure what the point of that was, but Sullivan transitions from this into saying the Horsemen aren’t the last line of defence for WCW. I hope he isn’t implying the Dungeon are because, if so, WCW is fucked. Gene implies Sullivan is “greasing the palm” of Nick Patrick, to which Sullivan replies “everyone’s entitled to a mistake, including you being on a boat with Hogan”. They’re really planting the seeds here with this Okerlund/Hogan stuff, but as far as I’m aware it doesn’t go anywhere so... why? Who cares if Mean Gene of all people is hanging around with Hogan anyway?

We come back from a break and now Okerlund is with Sting and Luger in the back. He’s all over the show again tonight. Lex is making a stupid face as usual. I’m starting to think he’s doing it on purpose. He looks like he accidentally sharted. 

Luger says that he and Sting are “in the frame of mind to kick some behind”... what a slogan. Sting isn’t happy that after “everything was cool” last week that the Horsemen and now giving them a “gut chest” - I think he means gut check - and he says he doesn’t understand it and it means Flair and Anderson don’t trust them. Sting says that Flair should never question their “intestinal fortitude” and they’re making a mistake. Onto the next match.

Mike Enos comes out yelling “bunch of idiots”. 

His opponent is Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Well, this should be a classic. 

Mike Enos Vs Chavo Guerrero Jr

Enos starts the match by attempting to run into Chavo in the corner, but Chavo scrambles out of the way and Enos smacks his head into the turnbuckle. When you begin a match with that kind of strategy you know it isn’t going to end well. Literally less than a minute later Enos whips Chavo into the opposite corner, again tries to run into him, and again ends up slamming himself into the turnbuckle as Chavo moves out of the way. This Enos lad isn’t the sharpest tool in the drawer, is he?

By the way, the announcers seem even less enthused for this match than I am. They are literally acting like the match isn’t even happening, instead talking non-stop about the Giant, Macho Man and Hollywood Hogan. I mean, I get it, nobody cares about Enos and Chavo is still an unknown... but come on guys. At least act like you give a shit. 

Enos ends up outside of the ring and Chavo leaps over the top rope with a cross body...

However, Enos catches him and walks around like he’s holding a child.

Watch those hands, mister.

Enos flings Chavo over with a fallaway slam - “nearly over to the guardrail” says Tony, even though it’s nowhere close. 

As Enos dumps Chavo back in the ring “Dirty” Dick Slater appears at ringside.

“With a towel over his head” notes Tony. So that’s where Taz got the idea from. I’m not sure why Slater waited until now to come out.

As Enos continues to dominate we get a shot of Konnan in the crowd.

He appears to be having a nap. Tony suggests he’s “trying to be incognito”. yes, wearing that hat, that shirt and being picked up by the cameras straight away. Incognito indeed.

Enos is in the ring jumping around with Chavo across his shoulders.

It looks hilarious, although the visual doesn’t do it justice. 

Enos tries a sit down powerbomb but somehow fucks it up and Chavo lands on Enos’ leg, which causes Enos to squirm in pain. Chavo then locks in a figure four, and as Enos is flailing around Randy Anderson gets “thumbed in the eye” which allows Dirty Dick to enter the ring.

Slater takes the towel off his head and puts it around Enos’ head instead. Enos rolls out of the ring as Slater beats on Chavo. Randy Anderson has apparently gone completely blind as he doesn’t notice that Dick Slater is now in the ring instead of Mike Enos. They look significantly different. Regardless, this ridiculous plan backfires when Chavo rolls up Slater with an inside cradle for the win.

Chavo Guerrero Jr defeats Mike Enos (technically Dick Slater) via Pinfall.

Enos and Slater are stunned that their idiotic plan failed. This kind of tactic is usually employed by two people who look similar, not completely different. As it turns out that part of the plan inexplicably worked - Slater is just a dunce who got beat anyway. 

Okerlund is of course in the entranceway, accosting Chavo.

Chavo yells for DDP, asking where he is. Chavo claims he came out to “help” Eddie after DDP attacked him post-match at the Clash, but as we already saw Chavo was about as much help as the proverbial chocolate fireguard. Chavo says DDP tried to humiliate him by whipping him with Nick Patrick’s belt, but attests “that didn’t humiliate me, that just put coal in my fire!” 

Gene looks befuddled by this. He advises Chavo to calm down and notes that DDP and Chavo have a match at Fall Brawl. Chavo says that if you mess with one of the Guerrero’s, you mess with all of them. 

We get a very 90s advert with Okerlund and Heenan hawking the Nitro t-shirt.

Look at those background colours. So 90s. Gene says Heenan’s got the shirt on the wrong way around and that his “whole body is reversable”. Not sure what that means, not sure I want to know. Also unsure as to why Heenan has the shirt on backwards. It isn’t explained. Could they not have gotten anybody else to promote this? We see enough of Okerlund as it is without him shilling merch as well. At least get a wrestler to do it.

Some hair metal 80s guitar riffs hit and out comes “J. L.” - the cleverly disguised Jerry Lynn.

I have to admit I am unsure as to why Lynn was a masked wrestler in WCW. It’s not like they didn’t have enough luchadores wearing masks. 

His opponent is the Cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio Jr.

The enthusiasm in the crowd is off the charts.

J.L. Vs Rey Mysterio Jr

Throughout his entrance and indeed throughout the match JL is constantly adjusting his mask. It’s a bit distracting. Tony calls JL “mysterious” but then goes on to talk about his success in Japan and how he isn’t from Mexico, so I guess not that mysterious. It’s literally just because he has a mask on.

The match begins with various arm holds and JL keeping Mysterio in a headlock for a while. The contest has barely begun before Tony starts spluttering and says he’s been told Hogan is outside. The camera cuts to the back where we see Hogan, Hall and Nash.

Hogan grabs somebody who for some reason was randomly standing around outside with a spotlight and takes him over to the production truck.

They spraypaint the truck with nWo logos as Tony acts disgusted, like this is the worst thing that’s ever been done. You know, if you guys are so appalled by this behaviour you don’t have to show it on camera. You could just... not show it. Also that is some really shitty spraypainting.

“What are they saying here?” Tony asks. “nWo 4 life?”

Yes, that is literally what they have spraypainted on the truck Tony. Good reading skills. 

Tony says that bills will be coming the nWo’s way from Turner and he hopes they “have insurance”. Yeah, I’m sure Hogan will need insurance to pay a fine for having some spraypaint cleaned off a truck. With that said I’m not sure you can get insurance to cover you in the event of you deciding to vandalise a truck, but whatever. Tony mocks the idea of the nWo having a fourth man and reckons they’ll go into War Games a man down. Sounds reasonable. He says Hogan has turned into a “street thug”. Sure, he’s running with the gangs now. A matter of time before he’s committing drive-bys and making rap videos. 

Oh, there’s still a match going on by the way. Not that it’s anything exciting. It might be the most boring match in Rey’s history. I’m guessing on purpose, knowing that most of it is going to be cut in favour of showing Hogan and the outsiders. As we go to a break Tony is mumbling about the nWo being “jerks” whilst Larry says “it’s the 90s. Hogan happens”. No idea what he means by that.

When we get back from the break Tony apologises for his comments. What comments? Calling Hogan a thug and a jerk? Jeez, you better start relaxing a little Tony or you’ll start breaking out the “gosh darn it’s”. 

Stinko appears in the entraceway, radiating with his usual charisma and charm. At least somebody is interested in this match. They literally focus on Dean’s static face for about ten seconds. Tony just keeps ranting about Hogan.

JL gets down on his hands and knees by his own accord. Odd strategy. 

Rey hugs him from behind. I have no idea what is going on here. After some brief chain wrestling Rey then decides to get down on his hands and knees.

Seriously, what is going on here? Rather than give Rey a cuddle from behind, JL just boots him in the back. Tony says the fans have been “wowed” by Mysterio’s moves, which is a lie as he hasn’t done anything of note. Well, he might have, but we haven’t seen any of it thanks to Hogan and the commercial break. All we’ve seen are arm holds, headlocks and Rey and JL getting into doggy positions for reasons the announcers don’t bother to explain.

Larry claims that “a big neck is easier to break than a small, limber one”. Not sure I understand the logic there.

JL puts Mysterio in a boston crab in what has been a painfully slow cruiserweight match. Seriously, how is a match between Jerry Lynn and Rey Mysterio this fucking boring? 

Fireworks go off as hour number two begins, and we switch to Eric Bischoff and Bobby Heenan. This is literally the most exciting part of this match so far, but the last thing it needed was another distraction.

The match spills to the outside and JL slams Rey into the barricade.

He also slams Rey’s head into the ring post. Bischoff and Heenan meanwhile pick up where Tony and Larry left off and continue complaining about the production truck being spraypainted. Seriously guys, get over it. Do you not remember a few weeks ago when the outsiders were literally trying to kill wrestlers with baseball bats? This is pretty tame in comparison. A bit of water and the truck will be good as new. 

It’s kind of fitting that this match ends with a botch as Rey attempts to do his springboard hurricanrana off the apron...

But JL can’t rotate all the way over so instead his head just slams into the mat. Ouch. Rey gets the pin and Heenan advises JL to “go to your room”. OK. That was the slowest and most disappointing Rey match on Nitro to date. It might have been better if the announcers had spent more time telling the story of JL trying to ground Mysterio with mat holds, but instead they were just talking about the nWo, so... yeah. 

Rey Mysterio defeats JL via Pinfall.

Mean Gene is in the company of the lesser known Horsemen, along with Woman, Liz (sleeping?) and Debra. 

Gene tries to shill his hotline by talking about some rumour about Mongo going back to the NFL (if only), but Mongo isn’t having any of it, telling Gene he doesn’t give a shit about his 1-900 number. Mongo says that “in hindsight” Sting and Luger shouldn’t be going to War Games with Flair and Anderson, it should be Mongo and Benoit. So much for respecting Flair and Anderson’s decision last week. Mongo says they’ll prove it to the world, to WCW and to the nWo, then makes a fart noise. Gene says the nWo have been “having a little fun painting”. I love how the announcers have been so offended by what happened, and Gene is just like “whatever”. For once he has it right.

Woman is all over Gene and he tells her she has to “knock it off on television”. He’s definitely up for it once the cameras are off though. Woman says she can’t help herself (why?) and then asks how things are between Gene and Hulk Hogan. 

Uncomfortable. Still not sure why everybody is obsessed with this Okerlund and Hogan thing. So what if Gene did join the nWo? Why would anybody give a shit?

Gene switches to Benoit, who immediately fucks up the start of his promo by struggling to pronounce “relinquish”. Benoit says tonight isn’t about vengeance or envy, but it’s about “security”. Strange word to use but OK. Benoit says to look into his eyes and asks if we can see “the hungry beast”.

Not really. He looks bored.

We’re thrown back to Bischoff and Heenan at the announce desk. Bichoff notes that Macho will have his chance to face Hogan for the title at Halloween Havoc, then we are shown footage from a couple of weeks ago where Hogan came out to whack Savage with a chair and help Flair beat him. We then see Savage’s promo from last week and the end of the match with Macho and Giant, with Macho making the mistake of cracking Meng over the head with a chair. After this Gene is in the back with Savage.

As usual there are random WCW shirts hanging from the lockers, and a towel. I hope that’s clean - kind of gross if not.

Gene tells Macho that Hogan “did you in”, as usual he isn’t mincing his words. Macho screams that he’s “quiet but deadly right now”. Macho says that he deserves to win at Havoc and that it’s for “all the marbles”, even though he only has one marble in his head. Macho says it’ll be “the scariest match of the century” and he’s going to take Hogan apart because nobody cares.

Gene disagrees and says that he does care, and Macho yells “I don’t care if you care!” - Gene mentions that Savage has the Giant at Fall Brawl - the PPV before Havoc - but Savage responds “I’m going to bowl through the Giant and that’s it” before storming off. “Randy Savage, do you have an extra chair?” Okerlund calls - can’t tell if he’s being a dick or not. You can hear Savage hollering something inaudible. Quiet but deadly indeed.

We go back to the arena and unfortunately Hacksaw is out next.

For reasons beyond my understanding he gets a ridiculous amount of pyro. Goldberg levels of pyro. 

This guy’s expression says it all. He hasn’t been impressed with much so far tonight, not sure why the camera keeps showing him. Heenan admits he isn’t thrilled that WCW’s future lies with “a madman, a beserk individual who can’t put a thought together”. Brutal. He then goes on to say Savage will never give up and if anyone wants to beat Hogan, it’s Macho. So now I have no idea if Heenan is for or against the idea.

Duggan’s opponent is the Giant.

Happily I don’t foresee this ending well for Hacksaw.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan Vs The Giant

Hacksaw immediately gets a “USA” chant going and stomps around the ring like a child.

He attempts a shoulder block on the Giant but bounces off of him, which prompts Hacksaw to adopt this pose.

Duggan attempts another shoulder tackle but Jimmy Hart grabs his foot, which causes Hacksaw to sprint - or more accurately jog - after Hart on the outside of the ring. He manages to get Jimmy’s jacket but the mouth of the south escapes. Not exactly hard to outrun Duggan in fairness. 

The Giant comes after Duggan, who tosses Hart’s jacket into his face and then throws a few punches to Giant’s chest before getting back into the ring, yelling “HOOOO” and getting another “USA” chant going. Giant gets up on the apron but Hacksaw knocks him off and then gets back out of the ring. Heenan suggests Hacksaw is “like a refrigerator” and doubts Giant can chokeslam him. Considering we have seen Giant chokeslam the much bigger John Tenta more than once I’m not sure this logic makes much sense, but whatever.

Giant whips Duggan back first into the ring post, but then Duggan moves as Giant charges him.

Imagine getting outsmarted by Jim Duggan. 

Giant is finally able to get back into the ring and puts Duggan into a bear hug.

He can barely get his arms around Duggan’s thicc frame. He might be the only person in WCW who could wrap his arms around Duggan though, so it’s somewhat impressive. Hacksaw manages to fight out of the bearhug and stagger into the corner, so Giant goes over and starts slamming his butt into Hacksaw’s gut.

I think this picture says enough.

Duggan attempts to slam the Giant but can’t lift him up. Giant clobbers Duggan back down to the mat, and then...

Ted DiBiase appears in the crowd. Whilst he slowly makes his way down to ringside Giant and Hacksaw are cuddling in the ring again.

I have no idea why Patrick looks so terrified. It’s possible Hacksaw has farted. Anyhow, Hacksaw pulls out his trusty roll of tape - from the way he digs it out I think it sits somewhere underneath his balls, which is disgusting, then blasts Giant in the head with it.

It doesn’t really have much effect, although I dread to think what it smells like. Jimmy Hart gets up on the apron holding Duggan’s 2x4. Nick Patrick, Jimmy Hart and Hacksaw then have a tug of war over it.

At this point I’m quite confused as to whether the roll of tape is legal or not. Patrick did not care in the slightest when Hacksaw was whacking Giant with it, but I swear Hacksaw has been disqualified before for using it. WCW, where rules are as useful as Chavo Guerrero Jr. Whilst all this nonsense is going on Giant grabs Duggan and...

Chokeslam. Goodnight. Match over. 

The Giant defeats “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan via Pinfall.

That match lasted a lot longer than I thought it would, and Duggan got in way too much offence. Giant did not benefit from this match at all. The camera immediately switches to DiBiase in the crowd who gives us the Four Horsemen salute.

A few things to note. Firstly the guy to Dibiase’s right doing it with him just looks bizarre. Secondly the guy to DiBiase’s left is booing very aggressively - unsure as to whether he’s mad Hacksaw lost or just dislikes Ted. Thirdly the guy behind DiBiase’s shoulder is screaming and looks like he’s popping out of DiBiase’s shoulder, like that character in MiB II. 

DiBiase opens has palm for “five” and says “next week”.

Looks like he’s about to do the “you can’t see me” thing, but he doesn’t. The guy to DiBiase’s right is shocked by this, again copying the “five” hand gesture and yelling “five! Next week! Five!” at whoever is next to him and the camera. 

Bischoff asks if DiBiase is playing games. Heenan says he’s known DiBiase for a long time and, exact quote, “he doesn’t play games, he plays games that are serious”. He does play games then. Bischoff says “maybe he’s the fifth horseman”. Yes, the fifth member of the four horsemen. That makes sense.

Because we can’t go one segment without Okerland, he’s now on the ramp with Giant and Jimmy Hart.

Gene says Giant is “in shock”, Giant replies “you’re roggone right I’m in shock” - I assume he means doggone but is for some reason channeling Scooby Doo. Giant, whilst talking, says he can hardly talk because he’s in shock. Giant’s face is really close to the camera and it’s really unsettling.

Back up a little, jeez.

Anyway, Giant takes exception with Macho blaming him for losing the title to Hogan. Giant asks why Savage wasn’t around to help out when Nash and Hall helped Hogan take the belt from the Giant. A fair point. Giant postulates that Savage was scared, and he “can’t cut the job”, whatever that means. Giant says Macho isn’t going to fight Hogan, he is, because he “is the world heavyweight champion”.

Giant looks like he’s about to cry. He also seems to be in denial over losing the title. He says he’ll beat either Hogan or Savage for the belt and that he’ll be waiting for Savage at Fall Brawl. 

As Gene talks we can clearly see the Giant’s spit on the camera lens. Nice. Gene actually gets out a hankerchief and tries to wipe down the camera saying “for goodness sakes these guys are very messy”.

We come back from the break to find 80s rejects the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express coming to the ring.

Seriously, these shirts.

I hope they didn’t sell these. Looks like somebody literally drew the design on a white shirt for them with sharpies. 

More enthusiastic crowd shots. Why is it every time they show this guy on the right he looks bored as fuck? Why is he even there?

This fella also gives one of the least enthusiastic “woooo”’s and thumbs up I’ve ever seen. Orange Cassidy would be proud. 

Ric Flair’s music hits.

DiBiase is looking at Liz and Woman and likes what he sees. I’m with you chief. Heenan says that DiBiase is sitting in the crowd “inconspicuously” but then notes he made his way to his seat literally through everybody in the middle of the show. He’s contradicted himself within single sentences three times in the last twenty minutes. He’s a very confused man tonight.

Bischoff: “I’ve just thought of something. He could be the fourth nWo guy, and next week there’s a fifth”. Really, Eric, you’ve only just come to that realisation? I think everybody else probably came to that conclusion first, rather than assuming DiBiase was the fifth member of the four horsemen, but OK. Congrats on gaining such insight. He’s still pushing the fifth Horseman idea as the more likely outcome, though, so still a total dunce. Hogan, Nash and Hall - all arrived from the WWF, two of whom very recently. DiBiase left the WWF in May/June. 

Obviously going to join the Horsemen and not the WWF-invaders-but-not-WWF-invaders nWo faction. 

The Rock ‘n’ Roll Express Vs Ric Flair and Arn Anderson

As usual the Horsemen end up getting their butts kicked early on. Flair takes a double dropkick out of the ring and starts squaring up to fans.

Ole has lost some weight.

The Horsemen surprisingly take control for a while, then a brawl breaks out between all four men in the ring. Arn eventually sneaks up on Morton and hits him with a DDT.

Gibson sees this happen, and is literally on the apron as Ric goes for the pin...

For some reason he is insanely slow and casual about getting in to break it up though, so the ref counts the three and your winners are the Horsemen.

Ric Flair and Arn Anderson defeat the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express via Pinfall.

I love how at the end of the match Gibson stares down so disappointedly at Morton.

I mean, he could have easily broken up the pinfall, but he made about as much effort as the people who designed he and Morton’s t-shirts. What a bell. This was a short match, not that I mind. 

Bischoff says it looks like Arn Anderson could chew through the steel cage at War Games, “and no doubt he will” - erm, I think there is some doubt as to whether Arn will literally chew through steel, but OK.

Oh look, it’s Gene. What a surprise. He isn’t even waiting by the entrance anymore. Straight down to the ring, not even letting the Horsemen get a breather before shoving a microphone into their faces.

Gene complains about Woman molesting him again, and begs Liz to do something. Liz coyly says “there’s nothing I can do to control her”. It’s like the start of a creepy porno. 

Gene asks Arn about the upcoming War Games match.

Arn: “There’s a time to ogle the women, Gene Okerlund, and this ain’t it”. Slapping Gene down to the ground. I like it. Arn says that the hourglass has been turned around, and the sand is running out on the nWo. Not even close Arn, not even close. Arn repeats that the nWo picked their spot about ten times before saying “when they shut the cage, and you look into our guts” - wait, what? Shouldn’t that be eyes? The only way I can think to look into someone’s guts without cutting their stomach open is... never mind. Arn says the Horsemen were in the first War Games and they’ll be in the last one.

Quick fact check on this - nope. If we’re talking purely WCW War Games 1997 was the last one the Horsemen were involved in. 1998 was Team WCW vs nWo Hollywood vs nWo Wolfpac and there was no War Games in 1999. They apparently had a random one in 2000 on Nitro but that didn’t involve the Horsemen either and who gave a shit about WCW at that point anyway? Back to 1996...

Arn says the Outsiders will be gone by now and we won’t see them again tonight. He says if you want to be a man in this sport you need to jump on a guy, eye to eye, nose to nose... uh...

Gene’s expression mirrors mine.

We see a clip from the Clash of the Champions - Flair has Hogan in the Figure 4 and Gene asks Flair if Hogan submitted. Flair claims that Hogan looked into his eyes and said “oh great Nature Boy, I give up, I quit, you are too much man, today”. Not only would that be a really strange thing to say in the circumstances, but we are literally watching footage which shows this never happened. Flair is screaming that the Outsiders better be ready because War Games “are not in the Big Apple, they’re not in Chicago, they’re not in LA, they’re in Winston Salem, North Carolina”. 

Liz looks like she’s really enjoying this promo. Flair’s head looks set to burst. Woman is trying to molest poor Gene again. Gene thanks Flair, who continues to go absolutely nuts, flailing around like he’s having a seizure.

Totally insane. I love how Woman is so used to it she’s just looking on like nothing weird is happening at all.

Another Glacier promo. I’m sure this will all be worth it when he debuts... right?

Out next is Chris Jericho.

I can’t really make out what he’s yelling at the camera, but it sounds like “let’s go, are you ready WCW for lion”. Sure. Jericho is yelling to try and get the crowd pumped up.

Doesn’t appear to be working. These are the kind of expressions you’d get if you took a shit in the entranceway. What is with WCW showing totally unenthusiastic crowd members tonight? 

His opponent is “Das WunderSwan” Alex Wright.

STOP PANNING TO BORED MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE.

WunderSwan does his usual backslip off the turnbuckle as he enters the ring.

Impressive until he blows a knee out on one of his landings, then stupid.

Chris Jericho vs “Das WunderSwan” Alex Wright

Bischoff takes credit for signing Jericho to WCW. Is this his debut? Just checked wikipedia and yes, it is indeed. Bischoff calls Jericho “an upstanding young man, and an outstanding wrestler”. Like a teacher’s report card. Heenan asks if Bischoff has co-signed for a house with Jericho. Bischoff suggests that Jericho and Wright “could be the backbone of WCW for years to come”. Jericho left in early 1999 despite being hugely over and Alex Wright became Berlyn, so, no.

Match starts off pretty slow with various mat holds. For some reason Bischoff takes this moment to shit on Big Bubba, mocking him for having a problem with Glacier - “he’s not even here yet” - and saying that he has a problem. Not sure what prompted that. Jericho hits Wright with a spinning leg kick, which Bischoff describes as an elbow for some reason, then does his trademark dropkick off the turnbuckle, sending Wright crashing to the outside.

Bischoff calls it an “inverted dropkick”. I have no idea how you would even invert a dropkick, but OK. Springboard dropkick would be more appropriate. Wright manages to get back into the match and hits a cross body on Jericho from the turnbuckle.

Heenan says Alex Wright has “more experience” than Jericho which is definitely not true. 

Jericho:

Alex Wright:

Enough said. Get your facts straight Bobby.

At one point Jericho is outside of the ring and Wright gets up top...

So, what’s the plan here? A double sledge, Macho Man style? A flying cross body? A dropkick?

No. None of these. He just jumps down and smacks his arm/head onto the guardrail.

...

...

...

What a helmet.

Jericho rolls back in the ring and Wright gets counted out. For some reason Jericho tells the ref he “doesn’t want to win this way” and it gets declared a No Contest. WTF? If it’s a count out then it’s a count out, Jericho can’t decide to call it a No Contest just because he feels sorry for Das BlunderDunce. 

The crowd boos as Jericho checks on Wright.

Chris Jericho Vs “Das WunderDunce” Alex Wright ends in a No Contest.

Are you kidding me? Gene is out there AGAIN? I hope he isn’t getting paid by screen time because he literally gets more of it than anybody else on the show. His face should be front and centre of all promotion items. 

Wright is stumbling around, seemingly concussed, but Gene coldly says they’ll get him on his feet and then says that Jericho’s debut was a “breath of fresh air”. It really wasn’t any better than a lot of the cruiserweight matches we’ve already seen, but sure, whatever.

Jericho says he came to WCW to fight “to the best of my ability”, as opposed to only some of his ability, I guess? Jericho says he respects Alex Wright, for some reason, and then says whilst he wouldn’t take a victory like this, he knows somebody who would... Hulk Hogan and the nWo. OK. Not sure why Jericho feels the need to shit on Hogan, Hall and Nash right out the gate but there you go. Jericho says “me and Alex are going to fight with all of our hearts... for WCW!” - possibly the cheesiest and lamest thing I’ve ever heard. Wright is still staggering around in a daze. He stumbles towards Okerlund who bluntly tells him there’s no interview time left and he should go to the back and get his wits together. No fucks given from Gene.

We come back from the break to find the next match about to begin, with two teams in the ring.

Looks like Scott Steiner (w/Crazy Huge Arms) and Rick Steiner (w/Clinical Lycanthropy) facing off against the Blue Bloods. Earl Robert Eaton and Squire Dave Taylor if my eyes don’t deceive me. Where’s Lord Steven, dammit?

The Steiner Brothers Vs The Blue Bloods

The Earl and the Squire start the match by arguing about who is going in first. Normally both want to start, but in this instance neither of them do. Eaton complains he always starts. Squire keeps yelling at Eaton to get in the ring. The Dog Faced Gremlin soon has enough of this bullshit, sneaking up behind these idiots and slamming their heads together.

Eaton now does get in the ring, but Taylor is still shouting at him, so the Earl pushes the Squire off the ring apron.

Rick Steiner gives Eaton a hip toss and barks. After smacking Eaton around for a bit Taylor comes into the ring. Both Blue Bloods get clotheslined and roll out of the ring to continue arguing, whilst Rick and Scott do their pose with Rick barking again.

Rick crawls over and bites the rope.

This is who you’re losing to, guys.

There was no tag but the Squire is in now. He actually gets some offence and hauls Rick up onto his shoulders, as Eaton dives from the top rope.

As you might expect this doesn’t end very well, as Rick appears to get dumped right on his head.

But for some reason Eaton is the one who is knocked out.

The Steiners win. I don’t think Scott Steiner or his arms did anything in this match. Hold on, wasn’t Dave Taylor the legal man here? How did Eaton get pinned? Maybe it... oh, no, it’s just WCW. Rules only apply when required.

The Steiner Brothers defeat The Blue Bloods via Pinfall. 

The Squire is understandably annoyed that Eaton somehow managed to lose the match despite not even being the legal man, and slaps him in the face.

Should arguably be slapping the ref for counting the wrong man, but whatever. 

The Blue Bloods get into a fight, which Eaton gets the best of. We suddenly hear Rick Steiner on the microphone saying “Eaton’s going crazy! Get him, Bobby, beat him up!” - that’s not helping. 

Okerlund again, of course. He asks Scotty what he makes of this and he replies “I don’t know Gene, they’re going nuts! I thought they were supposed to be friends? Partners?” - because no tag team has ever had an acrimonious split before.  

Nick Patrick is trying (badly) to stop the Blue Bloods fighting, whilst Gene asks them to calm down and Rick Steiner continues trolling them and telling them to keep going. Hah. 

Once the Blue Bloods are finally gone, Gene asks Rick about their match with Harlem Heat at Fall Brawl. Rick says “you know, Gene, being a dog (Clinical Lycanthropy, this man needs a doctor) I prey on my opponents. You see, in the dog pound, it’s the be a hard times (?), when you boys get to Halloween Havoc, I’m going to be Peter Peter, the Pumpkin Eater and it’s gonna be my party!”

Just... what? I couldn’t help but laugh at this. You really have to watch this promo to understand how hilarious it is. Rick is absolutely insane.

Scott reminds Rick “it’s not Halloween, it’s Fall Brawl” as Rick barks. Scott says something inaudible about hens going “cock-a-doodle-do”. Scott says when the Steiners get to Fall Brawl they’ll be “getting radical” and the Heat will be “going down”.

Mental.

It’s main event time. Out first is Chris Benoit and Mongo, accompanied by the females, of course.

Woman has decided to put some shades on, even though she wasn’t wearing any before. We get another shot of Ted DiBiase looking on. 

Here come Sting and Luger.

Chris Benoit and Steve “Mongo” McMichael Vs Sting and Lex Luger

No messing around here, we go straight into a brawl with all four men dogpiling into the corner. 

For some reason Randy Anderson rings the bell to start the match, despite both teams still brawling and nobody in their respective corners. I guess it’s a Tornado Tag now!

After a couple of minutes things settle down a bit, with Luger and Mongo in the ring and Benoit and Sting on the apron. Embarrassingly for Luger Mongo gets the better of him, then tags out to Benoit. Heenan suggests that at War Games the cage could be upside down. Logistically I doubt that’s possible. 

Luger gets beaten up by Mongo and Benoit for a while before the old double clothesline spot sending both men down.

That clothesline is literally the first move Benoit has taken, but he acts like he got shot and Luger somehow starts getting up before Benoit. Maybe this is why Ric and Arn don’t want you at War Games, Chris.

Luger manages to tag in Sting, who takes charge.

Sting goes for the Scorpion Deathlock on Benoit. Mongo runs in to break it up but ends up getting dropkicked out of the ring.

All of a sudden, Hollywood arrives.

Hogan backs up around the ring as McMichael stalks him, then Scott Hall flies in out of nowhere to knock Mongo down.

Heenan flees the broadcast booth. Nash has also appeared and along with Hall he rams Mongo’s head into the post. No harm done I’d imagine. Mongo gets tagged, and the official title of being the first person to be spraypainted by the nWo. The Production Truck obviously holds the honour of being the first object to be tagged.

Benoit gets hit with the Outsider’s Edge.

Whilst Sting eats a Jacknife Powerbomb.

Luger got rammed into the ring post earlier by Mongo, so he’s still laid out on the floor somewhere. Hogan tags Benoit and Sting.

Ric Flair and Arn Anderson finally come out, albeit a bit late.

Ric and Arn initially have the advantage, but then both get spraypainted in the eyes.

Hogan tosses Flair to the outside and spraypaints his hair like a skunk.

The crowd begin throwing garbage in the ring as Hogan and the Outsiders celebrate.

Seriously, these guys are getting pelted with cups of drink.  Hogan spraypaints the back of Nash’s shirt for some reason. I think he’s a little too excited about this new hobby.

Check out the amount of trash that’s in the ring.

Gross. The nWo commandeer the announce desk and run off Eric.

“Heeeere’s the nWo!” 

“Anarchy! Anarchy!” says Nash whilst Hogan yells “anything less would be too civilised!”

The show ends with a look at the carnage inside the ring...

And a replay of DiBiase holding up the five fingers. 

Awesome ending to the show. This was peak nWo and when people really started to take notice of what was going on in WCW. 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 19/08/1996

Tony Schiavone claims that Nitro is “red hot!” as we begin this week’s broadcast. Oddly unlike most weeks they don’t tell us where they are, although it’s safe to assume somewhere in the United States. 

Usually a little bar appears along the bottom to tell us where we are, but nope, not tonight. Tony doesn’t mention it either. I looked it up and apparently they’re in Huntsville, Alabama. Why they chose not to advertise that is up to you, the reader, to decide. We get right into the action tonight, as VK Wallstreet saunters out...

He looks very pleased with himself. I’d be looking a lot less arrogant if I was wearing a suit with a stupid dollar sign emblazoned across the chest, but whatever. We’re told this is a return bout between Wallstreet and Jim Duggan. For fuck’s sake. Apparently these two fought at the Clash of the Champions last week. Who cares? And who thought a rematch was a good idea?

Here comes everybody’s favourite super patriotic dunce. By the way, Tony thinks this of all times is the time to say WCW brings fans the best wrestling action in the world. He follows this up by saying they will later bring us the Nasty Boys, as well as the American Males. It’s like he’s taking the piss. We do have Giant Vs Savage and Flair & Anderson Vs Sting & Luger, which is a little better I guess. 

VK Wallstreet Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

Duggan gets a “USA” chant going early doors. Wallstreet is also American so this seems a bit redundant, but then pretty much everything Hacksaw does is redundant.     

This match is, as you can imagine, total shit. 

This pretty much sums it up. This match goes on for what feels like an eternity. Larry says that a three year old could outsmart Hacksaw. Doing a disservice to one and two year olds imo. Tony calls Duggan “a very intelligent wrestler”, which causes a confused Larry to ask if Tony is ribbing. Tony confirms he is not. 

Not even joking, this chinlock takes up at least 50% of the match, and gets applied twice. I guess Duggan needs to catch his breath a lot. The guy is not exactly a cardiovascular marvel. 

Match ends when Duggan tries to take out his trusty roll of tape from his tights. Nick Patrick makes him drop it, which causes Wallstreet to pick it up and wrap it around his fist. Patrick admonishes Wallstreet. As they are arguing, Hacksaw takes out another roll of tape from his tights (how much does he have packed down there?) and blasts Wallstreet.

This is a foreign object, so it’s a DQ right? Wrong. Patrick counts the pin and thankfully this one is over. If it was cool for Hacksaw to use the tape why was Patrick bothered about it in the first place?

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan defeats VK Wallstreet via pinfall.  

Here’s our good friend Gene-O, entering the ring to interview Duggan. 

The WCW brain trust in full effect. Gene asks Hacksaw about the nWo. Did we not hear Duggan’s thoughts on this a couple of weeks ago? Why does Gene think his opinion has changed? 

Hacksaw says that everyone in WCW has been screaming about what they’re going to do to Hulk Hogan. 

Hacksaw is also drooling. That’s nice. 

Duggan basically starts repeating the same promo from a couple of weeks ago. Before he can get very far into his monologue the crowd starts cheering.

The Macho Man is in the house and making his way down to the ring. Please knock Duggan out. 

Macho says that he’s on “the same wavelength, same frequency” as Duggan, which is sad. Savage says he has a problem with Hogan, but Hogan is done “in this lifetime, the next lifetime, and the one after that”. I guess Macho is a buddhist? 

Gene shows a replay of Hogan whacking Savage with a steel chair last week during his match with Flair. Savage says Hogan is his wake up call, and now he’s not “laying back” even a little bit. Gene asks Savage about the Giant, who he’s facing later on. Savage recalls the Giant saying he was going to take care of Hogan, but not getting the job done. He says that “the WC(sic) world title” has had “nWo” spraypainted on it, and Savage has 15,000 stitches in his head. Either Macho Man went to a terrible doctor or he’s exaggerating just a little bit. Savage says he’s going to solve his problem with the Giant tonight. 

For some reason Hacksaw is applauding this. Not sure what his beef is with the Giant. 

We get our first shot of Tony and Larry this evening. Tony is looking very respectable. Larry is wearing a ridiculous shirt underneath that suit jacket. What’s the point? The woman behind Tony in the glasses is super excited. 

Tony suggests the the nWo have “awoken a sleeping Giant” after his performance at the Clash of the Champions against Chris Benoit. They show an awesome clip of the Giant dropkicking Benoit into the corner.

That is fucking impressive. Benoit collapses in the corner like he was just hit by a train, then eats a chokeslam.

A brutal squash.

Anyhow, onto the next match. 

Still not convinced he’s a real Earl.

His opponent is Chris Benoit, accompanied by Woman and Liz.

WCW pans to the crowd.

She’s a stunt granny.

Earl Robert Eaton Vs Chris Benoit

I’m not really sure why Benoit was chosen to get squashed by the Giant at the Clash. I mean, it’s not like WCW didn’t have plenty of jobbers available who could have taken that spot. We’ve already seen two in VK Wallstreet and Earl Robert Eaton. I would say Hacksaw but Giant dropkicking Hacksaw to the mat may have caused a minor earthquake, so I guess that’s understandable. 

Eaton’s trunks seem to have been inspired by Spiderman.

Benoit takes control by stomping on Eaton’s head. We see some brief mat wrestling before Benoit throws Eaton out of the ring and chucks him head first into the ring post before hip tossing him onto the outside mats.  

As Eaton is crawling around on the outside, Woman runs over and punts him in the stomach.

They get back into the ring, and Benoit continues to dominate. Tony and Larry start talking about Fall Brawl and the War Games match, which Tony keeps referring to as “the match beyond” - I don’t remember that tagline, and it sounds kinda dumb. 

Eaton gets back into the match by choking Benoit in the corner and then hitting a swinging neckbreaker. Tony and Larry are now referring to him as the “Earl of Eaton” which would only make sense if Eaton was an actual place, as opposed to his surname. 

Eaton misses a leg drop from the top rope. Benoit then goes up top and connects with a flying headbutt.

This one is over.

Chris Benoit defeats “Earl” Robert Eaton via pinfall. 

Benoit gives Eaton an extra stomp post match for good measure.

We see the same Glacier promo that’s been running for what feels like years at this point.

Footage is shown of the tag triangle match between the Steiners, Sting & Luger and Harlem Heat at the Clash. Scott hits the frankensteiner on Booker and has the pin on, but then Nick Patrick sees the Outsiders standing in the aisle and calls for the bell. Baffling decision considering they were nowhere near the ring and not interfering.  

We then switch to Flair Vs Hogan, also at the Clash. Hogan is in the figure four but grabs the ref and chucks him into the turnbuckle. The Outsiders then show up and beat the shit out of Flair.

Gene-O is in the back with Sting & Luger.

Lex is giving the camera a somewhat disturbing look. 

Luger says he and Sting have a surprise in store tonight. Luger asks Sting how many times they’ve faced the Horsemen, to which Sting replies “hundreds, maybe thousands”. Probably not thousands. Luger says this time “we’re going about it in a totally different wavelength”. Why not just say “way”?  

Sting’s face says it all. Sting yells that he’s living life “with a totally different attitude”. 

Why does Lex keep making these creepy faces?

Sting says life in WCW hasn’t been a cakewalk for anybody, and he can’t stand Ric or Arn. “And boy oh boy, do the Stinger and the Total Package have a surprise for you”.

They walk off, and Gene is annoyed he didn’t find out what the surprise was. Wouldn’t have been much of a surprise if they’d just blabbed it there and then, would it Gene? 

Oh good, it’s Disco. Once in the ring he tries to do the Macarena and fails. What a dicksplash. 

His opponent is Scott Norton.

Norton comes out looking pretty chilled. No need to be intense, it’s only Disco after all. This gon’ be a squash. 

Uh... good effort? The speech bubble says “I stink, brother”, in case you didn’t understand what putting Hogan’s head on a skunk’s body entailed. 

Disco Inferno Vs Scott Norton

As soon as Norton gets into the ring he slaps Disco in the chest. Disco sells it like Norton’s hand was a knife.

Norton misses a running splash into the corner on Disco, who then proceeds to whack Norton on the back a few times. It’s obvious this is having no effect on Norton, so Disco in his infinite wisdom turns around and starts dancing instead.

It ends about as well as you’d expect.

Disco just gets pummelled throughout this match. Norton no sells every punch and kick Disco attempts. 

Norton hits Disco with his shoulder breaker finisher. Tony says “that’ll snap a scapula”. What the fuck is a scapula? To google. OK, it’s a medical term for shoulder blade. Why not just say that? 

That’s his finisher so you’d think that would be that, but nope. Norton yells threats to Ice Train into the camera, then hits an armbreaker and locks in a single armbar for the submission win.

Scott Norton defeats Disco Inferno via submission.

“TRAIN, I’M IN YOUR FACE, SON” 

Scary.

Next we go to an interview with Okerlund, Teddy Long and Ice Train.

Holla, holla, holla. Train is looking suave tonight, except for that massive bandage across his chest and arm. Shouldn’t that be under the shirt rather than over it?

Teddy reminds us that he was chokeslammed by the Giant, and thanks everyone for the cards and letters he received wishing him well. I’m sure they were flooding in. Long says Norton didn’t beat Ice Train at Hog Wild because the ref called the match due to Ice Train taking such a beating. Pretty sure that still counts as a loss, but OK.  

They show Ice Train on a laptop, apparently talking to people on the WCW website, before getting attacked by Norton. 

Firstly, I love those old school monitors. That’s some seriously thicc back. How bored would you have to be to stop watching the Clash to talk to Ice Train of all people though? 

Can’t help but notice that laptop is turned off. Ice Train was apparently just staring at a black screen the entire time. 

Ice Train starts talking but I have very little idea what he’s saying. Roughly translated something like “big coward comes out of the locker room, attacking me when I’m online talking to all the soul train fans out there, all my rock n roll trains”.  

Teddy is as confused as me. Ice Train says that Norton can’t always attack Train when his back is turned, he’s got to “come, hook up, and look into my eyes”. Train takes off his shades for dramatic effect.

“Then, when you look into my eyes, you gon’ be face to face, brother, with the Train”. He says he won’t always be running around here looking like a mummy. Well, if you put your bandages on properly that would be a start. 

They air an ad for Saturday Night and Tony totally fucks it up, calling Ric Flair “Ric Flower” and then stumbling over the 6:05 start time too. Whoops.

Next out is my main man.

Lord Steven, as usual looking like he’s just walked into a sewer. 

That is not a happy camper.

Sadly no promo time for Lord Steven. His opponent is “Ice Man” Dean Malenko.

“Lord” Steven Regal Vs Dean “Stinko” Malenko

Dean’s sparkly little vest amuses me. Where do you buy something like that? 

Mat wrestling to start things off. 

Here’s a visual nobody asked for. Time to move to a different camera angle, maybe?

Regal does a cartwheel. 

He’s just having a lot of fun. It’s actually a pretty good match between two very good wrestlers. Regal is obviously not in the best shape and a little slow, but he’s keeping up with Malenko nonetheless.

Regal is sweating pretty hard. Dat gut too. Malenko’s getting a whiff of that armpit. He is not having a good time. 

More unsettling visuals. Poor Deano. 

Second half of the match has basically been a bunch of rest holds. I think Regal is gassed. Sweat is literally pouring off his face.

Stinko manages to get himself back into the game and hits Lord Steven with an impressive german suplex.

He hits a second and holds on for a pin, but only gets a two.

Regal tries about a hundred different pin attempts before Stinko cradles him for the surprise win.

Dean Malenko defeats “Lord” Steven Regal via pinfall.

Larry: I always say a match is only three seconds away from being over.

Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, Larry.

We’re with Okerland again. This time he’s interviewing the Horsemen.

Arn refers to Sting saying that he didn’t like Ric or Arn, to which Arn replies he never needed anybody to like him as long as he had the Horsemen backing him up. He says he never needed to have a weapon in his back pocket to feel tough. Odd thing to say considering the Horsemen’s well established history of cheating, but okay. Arn says he has guts and Sting & Luger are in for a fight tonight. 

Flair yells something indistinguishable about the Horsemen in his usual strange, high pitched voice. He says the Horsemen believe in “wine, women and song” and says tonight “the two pretty boys”, referring to Luger and Sting, will have to walk that aisle.  

What a crazy guy.

Fireworks go off as hour number two begins.

They try to throw to Eric Bischoff, but Flair just keeps talking. He tells Hogan that if he’s watching tonight, that “between Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan and Hulk Hogan, the Nature Boy’s got more playing time than you got shower time”. I assume he’s talking about having sex with women, but it’s hard to say for sure.

So, we’ve just had explosions and hype. A big promo from the Horsemen. Hour number two is going to kick off in a huge way, right? We’re going to get...

Oh. The Nasty Boys. Great.Look at that shirt design. An epileptic nightmare.

Their opponents are Public Enemy.

Ugh. 

Public Enemy set up their trusty table at ringside and then get into the ring. The crowd are waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care.

The Nasty Boys Vs Public Enemy

The match starts off as a total brawl, with all four men punching and kicking. Knobbs and Grunge end up fighting on the outside, whilst Sags and Rocco Rock compete inside the ring. 

Most of the match is shown like this. I assume it’s a tornado tag as the ref has not tried to establish any form of control, and each team is swapping dance partners regularly. 

At one point Johnny Grunge goes to hit the Cactus Jack elbow from the apron to the floor, but Knobbs rolls out of the way.

That’s gotta be a painful landing, particularly for a man of Grunge’s size.

You know the match is coming to a close when Grunge places Sags on the table.

In what I can only describe as insanely stupid, Rocco Rock then does a forward somersault onto Grunge...

Sags moves off the table, and Public Enemy go crashing through it.

Idiots. Rocco lands right on Grunge’s midriff. It looks really painful. Bischoff and Heenan laugh heartily. Heenan also notes that it’s pretty fucking embarrassing to be outsmarted by the Nasty Boys. Knobbs then covers Rocco Rock in the ring and this one is over. I still don’t understand why Rocco flipped himself onto Grunge. There must have been a better way to achieve what they wanted. It’s also funny to me that Rocco got pinned - I mean, he didn’t really take any damage from going through the table, it was literally all on Grunge. Oh well.

The Nasty Boys defeat Public Enemy via pinfall.

Guess who has come scurrying out again?

Of course, it’s Okerlund. I swear he’s interviewed literally 80% of the active roster tonight. So far we’ve had interviews with Duggan, Savage, Sting & Luger, Teddy Long & Ice Train, the Horsemen and now the Nasty Boys. Gene is working overtime. It’s basically the Mean Gene show at this point. “Mean Gene featuring WCW wrestling”. 

Anyway, Gene asks the Nasty Boys about the nWo. This is the third time now. Sags starts off by saying “hey, NWL (?), backfiring nothing. Everybody that enters Nastyville is leaving Nastyville like those two saps just did - face down baby. Nasty as we wanna be, and that’s all we’re gonna be. NWO, WCW, we’re right here. We’re just nasty as we need to be when we wanna be”. Riveting stuff. 

Gene says he wants to “confront” Knobbs publicly on television, then suggests that Knobbs - being a known friend of Hogan - is somehow in cahoots with the nWo. Knobbs calls Gene “shorty” in a disgustingly sick burn, then says Hogan can do whatever he wants and the Nasty’s will do whatever they want. Knobbs says they want the WCW tag team titles - and that’s that. So much for the big confrontation. 

We get our first shot of Bischoff and Heenan sitting at the big boy desk. Bischoff claims WCW isn’t paranoid about the nWo. Bullshit. Heenan talks about WCW being ready to fight whilst the people behind him chant “weasel”.   

We go to the standard WCW magazine commercial, featuring a kid saying the WCW magazine is “really cool” whilst morphing into Sting. 

Obviously it just happens to be a magazine with Sting on the front cover. The kid then morphs back into himself, but now he’s dressed like Sting.

OK.

So we see more footage from Clash of the Champions. They’re pushing the highlights of this show pretty damn hard. Apparently Eddie Guerrero defeating DDP for the Battle Bowl ring. Why would Eddie or anybody else give a shit about that stupid ring? And even if he did, what does beating DDP in a singles match even prove? Battle Bowl is a tournament, so winning the ring in a random singles match means nothing. Idiocy. 

Anyhow, after the match DDP goes to shake Guerrero’s hand, and like a white meat babyface idiot Guerrero accepts the handshake...

Only to get hit with a diamond cutter. Serves you right for being such a gullible chode. The sooner Eddie turns heel the better. What’s hilarious is that as DDP continues to beat up Eddie, putting him on the top turnbuckle for another diamond cutter, Chavo Guerrero Jr comes running out to “make the save”. Except DDP literally pushes him away like a child...

Then hits a really, really shitty looking diamond cutter off the top turnbucke on Eddie. Chavo couldn’t look like more of a bell-end here if he tried. Totally useless. That leads us into the next match, DDP Vs Chavo Guerrero Jr.

 DDP Vs Chavo Guerrero Jr

Chavo starts out with a couple of dropkicks sending DDP outside, then dives out onto Page on the floor. Page somehow ends up getting Chavo into this position:

And just kicks the shit out of him. Kind of amusing. 

DDP pretty much dominates the match, smacking Chavo around like a nobody. Chavo gets a couple of rollups but absolutely no real offense after his initial moves at the start of the match. Page hits Chavo with a brutal looking sit down powerbomb...

That gets an “ohhhh” from the crowd. The ref starts to count the pin but Page rolls out of the pin and gets back to his feet. After hitting a belly to belly and once again releasing the pin attempt, Bischoff yells for Page to be disqualified. For what? If he wants to release the pin then he’s within his rights to do so. Considering WCW can’t even stay consistent with the over the top rope DQ rule I’m not sure they really want to start adding other ridiculous reasons to DQ somebody. Anyhow, Page signals for the Diamond Cutter. Chavo however manages to reverse it into a pin attempt and gets the surprise three count. 

Now DDP looks like the chode.

Chavo Guerrero Jr defeats DDP via pinfall. 

DDP hits a Diamond Cutter on Chavo post match, then...

Starts removing Nick Patrick’s belt. Uhhh... OK, he’s just going to whip Chavo with it. I was starting to get worried as to where this was going. 

After DDP whips Chavo a few times with the belt, Randy Anderson comes sprinting out to try and calm things down. Randy manages to grab the belt off Page and Page then leaves the ring. Anderson then asks Patrick why he didn’t try to stop DDP. In Patrick’s defence, what was he supposed to do? Bischoff is saying he wants to discuss Parick’s conduct with the Executive Commitee, but Heenan rightly points out that Patrick really couldn’t do much with Page going mental whipping Chavo. The only reason Randy Anderson was able to take the belt off Page was because he snuck up behind him. 

You’ve got to be kidding me - Okerlund AGAIN? Might as well just get him a ringside seat at this point. Patrick says he was waiting for back up before trying to stop DDP. It’s really a fair point, and if WCW is trying to paint Patrick as in the wrong here it’s frankly ridiculous. Gene goes on to say that people are pointing fingers at Patrick over his supposedly questionable officiating, to which Patrick responds that the reason he’s getting so much grief is because Gene is being a shit stirring dickface. He doesn’t say it in quite those words but that’s essentially the implication. Hard to disagree. Parick does seem to have some delusions of grandeur, however, as he says “the media - the newspapers, the magazines” - Nick, there are no newspapers or magazines outside of the WCW magazine who give a shit about any of this. Hell, most of the fans don’t give a shit about it either. The only reason Okerlund cares is because he loves stirring the pot and causing trouble. Further proving that point, Okerlund brings up Patrick recently buying a nice home and snidely comments “I know the kind of dough you make, that’s pretty impressive”. What an asshole. 

Our next upcoming match is the American Males Vs Harlem Heat for the tag team titles. They decide to throw back to September 1995 - nearly a year ago - to show the American Males beating Harlem Heat to win the WCW Tag Team titles.     

The pair of them are dressed like male strippers, which always brings legitimacy to a set of titles. The held onto the titles for precisely 9 days before dropping them back to Harlem Heat on WCW Saturday Night, so, yeah. Barely worth bringing up. Bischoff doesn’t mention that part. 

AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES, AMERICAN MALES....

At least they’ve lost the suspenders. They barely get half way down the aisle before their awful music is cut and Harlem Heat’s music plays.

For the record, Stevie Ray is back there somewhere. It isn’t Booker and Sister Sherri defending the titles. Booker starts yelling about the Nasty Boys, showing how much attention they’re paying to the American Males. Booker also yells that what the Nasty Boys did was “illegal”, and we all know how much Booker hates illegal tactics. 

Oh, by the way, the announcers mention that Bagwell has recently been in a movie. It was “Day of the Warrior”...

OK. Which one is Bagwell?

American Males Vs Harlem Heat (w/Sister Sherri & Col. Rob Parker)

Nick Patrick is the official again, which is odd considering how supposedly controversial he is. If there was so much suspicion over him then surely by now he would have been suspended? Anyway, the match starts off with Stevie Ray beating the shit out of Scotty Riggs, before choking him against the ropes.  

Booker tags in and Riggs briefly gets some offence before Booker puts the Heat back in control. We get the old trick of one tag team partner being distracting the ref, allowing the other tag team takes advantage. Heat just punch and kick the hell out of Riggs in the corner. 

A proper old school beat down. Sherri is now distracting Patrick, although it’s for no obvious benefit as Stevie Ray is just wrestling Riggs normally in the ring, hitting him with a suplex.  

Booker goes to jump off the top rope onto Riggs but gets caught mid air with a drop kick...

Ouch.

Riggs finally makes the hot tag to Bagwell, who comes in like a house on fire. He kicks Stevie Ray in the face and then drop kicks Booker T to the mat. Bagwell runs Stevie Ray into Booker T, and Stevie is such a big unit that the impact sends Booker flying over the top rope. 

Bagwell goes for the pin on Stevie Ray but only gets a two, and Bagwell then gets thrown to the outside. Bischoff continues his vendetta against Nick Patrick by claiming it was a slow count, even though it clearly wasn’t. At this point they’re basically just bullying Patrick, which doesn’t exactly make him a heel.

Back in the ring Riggs hits Stevie Ray with a missile dropkick. Bagwell then climbs to the top rope to execute some kind of move on Stevie Ray, but Booker recovers and pushes Bagwell off the top rope... 

Stevie Ray hits a powerslam and covers Bagwell for the win. Riggs tries to jump in literally two seconds after the pin has been counted. 

Pointless.

Harlem Heat defeat American Males via pinfall.

The biggest shock post match is that Mean Gene isn’t around to try and stir the pot. We do get another Glacier promo though (the same one as usual) so that’s... something. 

We come back from that promo package to the Horsemen theme music.

Flair and Anderson certainly clean up well. Oh, no, that’s Woman and Liz. The other two are way behind them. Heenan says “we are live, and I mean L-I-V-E, live!” - is there another way to spell it? I’m not sure that needed elaboration.

Out come Sting and Flexy Lexy. Time to learn what their surprise is. Neither of them look particularly enthused to be there.   

Before the match starts, Sting grabs a mic. He says he wants all of the Horsemen out here, so Benoit and McMichael come out. We go to a break and...

Yeah, of course, it’s Okerlund. I should have known. He’s taken off his jacket though - probably worked up quite a sweat from running to and from the ring so often this evening. He looks like an insurance salesman. Also I’m pretty sure his trosuers are too long, but whatever. He hands the mic to Sting, asking if this is the surprise. Sting confirms it is. 

Sting says “we can do what we always do, and beat each other up, or we can recognise that there’s a major problem right here in WCW”. Sting says he and Luger know they can never trust Flair and Anderson, and that’s a fact, but all their blood and sweat has been shed “whenever your career has taken you” right here in WCW. Erm, nope. Completely incorrect. Anyway, Sting says that Flair, Anderson, Luger and Sting “are WCW”. Sting says he is demanding that he and Luger take the two War Games slots beside Flair and Anderson. I assume that is instead of Benoit and Mongo. Not really a tough choice here, is it? Benoit is a great wrestler but losing Mongo isn’t going to hurt much.

Flair has a contemplative look on his face. I imagine he’s wondering why, if Sting admits he can’t trust the Horsemen, teaming with them would be any better than teaming with the nWo. Answers on a postcard. 

Arm says he doesn’t like Sting and Luger, and they don’t have the same philosophy. Arn says Luger has “a heck of a body” and calls him “ripped”. OK, sure. Arn says Luger can’t bring “all these jiggling pecs, and all those shoulder muscles to War Games”. Not sure what he means by this. Luger will have to physically be there, so yes, the jiggly pecs and shoulder muscles will indeed be coming along for the ride. Arn says if Luger brings the power and dedication it took to build his body to War Games then that’s a different story. Luger replies that Arn can talk about “jiggling pecs and the body”, but he and Flair know that Luger and Sting have always given 100% when they’ve faced each other. 

Arn says he knows what Luger is getting at and turns his attention to Sting. Arn asks if for one match Sting can “take that albatross” from around his neck - always caring about what the kids think, always trying to do the right thing - and discard it, because to win War Games you have to do something “so violent, and so painful, that [your opponent] looks into your eyes and says ‘I quit’”. 

Sting is incredulous that Arn would even ask that question. He reiterates that WCW hasn’t been a cakewalk for any of them, but Sting says he has “lived the life of WCW”, whatever that means.  

Finally Flair gets on the mic and says “let me get this straight, you and the Package want to team with me and the Enforcer?” - yes, Ric, that’s what this entire promo is about. Keep up. Flair says if Mongo and Benoit will step aside, they’ll agree to teaming up. Gene asks Benoit for his thoughts. Benoit says he’s waited his entire life to become a Horseman, and Ric and Arn have never betrayed him, so he’ll stand behind whatever decision they make. We then go to Mongo, who says he was a part of the best team to play in the NFL, and he knows how to sacrifice. Mongo says he’s willing to sacrifice if Ric and Arn deem it necessary, but that if Sting and Luger don’t hold up their end of the bargain “what the nWo do is going to seem like a day in the park”. Arn finishes the promo by saying “I guess everybody agrees, we have a deal”.  

Honestly, this was a really good segment. Arn in particular was superb. Sting and Luger were a bit generic but that’s fine. Overall a very good job. 

That said, could this not have all been agreed in private? Sting and Luger’s surprise was actually abandoning the match that had been advertised to the fans to instead have a chat with the Horsemen in the ring. Poor form.     

Our latest nWo propaganda piece begins.

Nash says they’re in “Rome, Italy” as he and Hall do some silly poses. They’re actually in Denver, Colorado, but... whatever. Hall says it’s kind of funny to be in the ruins when they’re the hottest new thing happening. He’s still using his fake cuban accent at this point. They alternate between chatting about random shit and saying “I told you so” regarding winning the world title belt at Hog Wild. They mock the Giant and bury the Booty Man. Hall says that Luger reminds him of a movie star. Nash says Luger reminds him of Mr Ed. This is Mr Ed.

He’s a talking horse. 

Nash says “what’s up with Sting?” and Hall says “nice hairdo Sting”. He does have a bit of a funky hairstyle going on at this point in time. They call Sting and Luger pathetic. “Don’t call us, we’ll call you” says Hall as the promo ends.   

Back in the arena the Giant is coming out with Jimmy Hart.

We don’t get to see Macho Man’s entrance as...

He comes out behind the Giant and waffles him a couple of times with a steel chair. I suppose that’s one way to get an early advantage. 

Macho slams the chair into Giant’s head a couple of times for good measure. He isn’t fucking around. The referee eventually takes the chair from Savage, at which point Giant kicks Savage in the stomach and basically no sells the half a dozen or so chair shots to the head that Savage delivered. Giant pushes Savage against the guard railings on the outside and starts hammering his forearm into Savage’s chest.  

For some reason the fans behind Macho seem to be enjoying this a lot. 

Giant tosses Savage into the ring and the ref starts calling for the bell, assumedly for a disqualification. The match never started though, so that doesn’t make sense. The bell does ring but it’s basically meaningless. Giant puts his hand around Macho’s neck for the chokeslam, but Savage kicks Giant in the stomach. For some reason Giant sells it like he was kicked in the balls, but unless his balls are somewhere near his belly button that is nonsense. 

It’s amusing to see Giant waddling around the ring like this, though. Jimmy Hart comes into the ring with a chair, but Savage kicks Hart in the gut and tosses him back outside. Savage grabs the chair and is preparing to hit Giant with it, but out comes Hugh Morrus (humorous, get it?). He gets smacked with a chair for his troubles. 

As does Ray Traylor.

Savage hits Giant with the chair again, then smacks the Barbarian and Meng in the head as they come running to the ring. Savage then realises he just hit MENG in the head with a chair and realises he done fucked up, so he does the only smart thing in that situation...

He sprints the fuck out of there. A wise move.

Giant, however, is raging, and so he literally leaps over the top rope in pursuit of Savage.

Paul Wight has ridiculously impressive agility at this point in time.

Giant sprints to the back and  we’re back with Bischoff and Heenan.

Bischoff says the match never officially started. He gets word from the Executive Committee that it will be Flair, Anderson, Sting and Luger against the nWo at War Games. It would have been pretty funny if after all that the Executive Committee would have said “yeah, you guys did a pretty sweet promo out there, but nah, we’ll pass”. Bischoff is certain the nWo don’t have a fourth guy to round out their team, although I’m not sure why he’s so confident about this. He said the same shit about them not having a partner for Bash at the Beach and look what happened there. Those who don’t learn from history, Eric.

We end on that note... 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 12/08/1996

“Welcome live to WCW Monday Nitro!” hollers Tony Schiavone as fireworks explode above the ring.

As you can see we have departed the magic kingdom and are now coming to you from Casper, Wyoming. No friendly ghosts here, though, just big boys playing. Larry puts over Casper immediately by despondently calling it “the middle of nowhere”. Tony disagrees and calls it “the great American west”. I love how we aren’t even a minute into the broadcast and Larry has already shit all over the town they’re in. 

Here are our boys, no longer forced to wear those horrendous mickey mouse t-shirts. Tony has an interesting choice of apparel though. 

What design is this? One half of the shirt is fairly normal, the other half is like something ripped from an Atari 2600 game. I hope he didn’t pay too much for that.

Tony calls it a “dark day” because Hogan is now WCW champion. I’ll throw the results for Hog Wild down here quickly:

Public Enemy def. Rough and Ready

Konnan def. Chavo Guerrero Jr

Nasty Boys def. High/Low Voltage

Alex “Junior Hitler” Wright def. Earl Robert Eaton (w/Jeeves)

Dungeon of Doom (Sullivan, Meng & Barbarian) def. The Original JOB Squad (Jim “Jobber” Powers, Joe Gomez and Mark Starr)

“Squire” Dave Taylor (w/Jeeves) def. Mr J.L (Jerry Lynn)

DDP def. The Ultimate Renegade

Arn Anderson def. Hugh Morrus

Rey Mysterio Jr def. Ultimo Dragon to retain the Cruiserweight title

Scott Norton def. Ice Train

Madusa def. Bull Nakano

Chris Benoit def. Dean “Stinko” Malenko

Harlem Heat (w/ Sensational Sherri and Col. Parker) def. the Steiner Brothers (w/Scott’s ridiculous arms) to retain the Tag Team titles

Ric Flair def. Eddie Guerrero to retain the US title

The Outsiders def. Sting & Lex Luger 

Hollywood Hogan def. the Giant (w/Jimmy Hart) to win the WCW World Heavyweight title

So yeah, that’s a shitload of matches, most of which suck. I swear WCW didn’t advertise 70% of this card in the build up to the PPV. However, the only title that changed hands was the WCW world title going to Hogan... because of course, brother. 

Larry says his “choice of garb” reflects the mood of WCW. Not sure what Tony’s choice of clothing says about anything though. They mention that Hogan “desecrated” the world title by spraypainting “nWo” on it, and we’ll get to see footage of that later on tonight.   

Larry says he’s disappointed that the Dungeon and the Horsemen didn’t step up to help out when Hall & Nash interfered in the main event to aid Hogan in winning the title. He kind of has a point as far as the Dungeon are concerned - Giant is supposed to be their guy, and they were nowhere to be found. That said, this is the same group that couldn’t take down Hogan by himself, so the chances of them being able to do anything remotely competent now is slim to none. Larry also asks where Sting and Lex Luger were. 

They show still pictures of Hall & Nash Vs Sting & Luger. They show Nick Patrick “accidentally” clipping Luger’s knee during the match and then “fast counting” Hall pinning Luger. This is the start of a longgggg storyline involving Patrick being the nWo’s not-so-secret biased referee.

Well, we’re finally getting to our first match, and this is what we see.

The power of four total losers in one team. They also have no music, cementing further how worthless they are.

Their opponents are Meng, Barbarian, Hugh Morrus and the Taskmaster, accompanied by Big Bubba and Jimmy Hart.

That’s quite a shirt the Taskmaster is wearing. He’s got jeans and boots on too, so he’s working very casual tonight. Not that I mind. The guy is not exactly an Adonis so this look arguably works better for him.   

Rough and Ready & High Voltage Vs the Dungeon of Doom 

This match is just crazy brawling. The commentators largely ignore the match and talk about Hogan instead. Get used to that, it’ll be happening for the next few years. 

The match breaks down pretty early on with everybody just getting in and taking shots. Except Sullivan. He’s just chilling on the apron. No need to get involved. 

Match ends kind of suddenly when Rage gets kicked in the head by Meng...

And gets pinned for the three count. None of his team mates bother to come in and break it up, even though literally seconds later they were all in the ring brawling. To be fair I probably wouldn’t want to jump Meng either.

Dungeon of Doom defeat Rough and Ready & High Voltage via Pinfall.

After the match Rough and Ready get into the ring and toss Kenny Kaos out.

They then dump Rage with a belly to back slam. Larry says Slater has “no tolerance for incompetence”, which is amusing as he doesn’t seem to be especially competent himself. Kaos gets back into the ring and just allows Rough and Ready to leave as he checks on his team mate. What a wimp.

Sting and Luger, who is looking shiny as always, make their way out to ringside looking mightily peeved. 

Tony hands Luger a mic, which is always a risky move. Luger says that they “hate to break the rules and bust in here, but we’re sick and tired of following the rules” - I guess you don’t hate breaking the rules, then? Luger says he doesn’t want to spend another sleepless night, and says they’re issuing a challenge.He hands the mic to Sting, who says they don’t care about the controversy from Hog Wild, they want to fight the Outsiders right here, right now.

Larry is not impressed, asking where they were last night. Tony reminds him that they did wrestle the Outsiders last night, but that’s obviously not what Larry means, Tony. Don’t be a smartass. 

Sting demands that the nWo show up to fight. The crowd are not exactly going wild for this, they’re just applauding politely. The woman down by Luger’s leg looks very unimpressed by the whole thing. 

Good effort.

No sign of the nWo. Sting says he isn’t surprised. He tells them to bring baseball bats, if they want. Still no nWo. Sting and Luger give up and get out of the ring. OK then.

We see the same Glacier promo we’ve been seeing for what feels like forever. 

Out comes the Ultimate Renegade, headbanging his way down to the ring like they’re blasting Metallica over the speakers, as opposed to the cheap Ultimate Warrior theme rip off that is his entrance music.

DDP is already in the ring. How did Renegade get a televised entrance, whilst DDP did not? Weird. Renegade is still shaking his head around like D’Lo Brown on crack. Seriously, it’s pretty funny to watch.

Renegade Vs DDP

Renegade is honestly getting a half decent crowd reaction, and actually has a good look. It’s a shame he was relegated to being a cheap Warrior rip off. He could have been something more. It’s pretty much all Renegade in the first couple of minutes, and he’s pretty much channeling the Warrior the entire time. He is the answer to “what if the Ultimate Warrior was treated like a jobber?” ... he’d be Renegade. Or himself in 1998. 

DDP takes Renegade down with a chinlock and keeps him there for what seems like an hour. Renegade finally gets up and makes a comeback, during which Tony says Renegade “senses he could win the Battle Bowl ring”. OK, first and foremost, I can’t imagine anybody cares about that stupid ring. Secondly, since when is the Battle Bowl ring on the line in every match? It’s not a championship. You win it by being victorious in the Battle Bowl tournament, it doesn’t then change hands if the winner of said tournament gets defeated in a random singles match. That would be like a team winning the Super Bowl, then losing their rings the moment another team defeats them afterwards. It doesn’t work that way Tony.

Well anyway, it doesn’t really matter as Renegade goes for a suplex but DDP slips into a Diamond Cutter...

Bang. Back to Budget Parts Unknown for you, Renegade.

DDP defeats Renegade via Pinfall.

We cut to the back where Hall and Nash are sitting on a couch, looking bored as fuck.

Some classy pictures on the walls, at least.

Hollywood arrives and drops the title belt on the table. Nash says they’re on new world order time, and they’ll take challenges when they feel ready. Hall recalls that they won at both Bash at the Beach and Hog Wild, then mocks Sting and Luger for blaming their loss on Nick Patrick. Technically that was actually Tony and Larry, Sting and Luger said they didn’t care about the controversy. Hall says they’ll get to fight them later.

Hogan says that Hall and Nash have nothing to prove, and that WCW didn’t want them around, but now he and his agent are getting calls and now WCW are ready. Odd logic here, as WCW have given the nWo more airtime than makes any sense. They also put the Outsiders and Hogan in the top two matches at the most recent PPV, so, yeah. Hogan is bullshitting.

They hint that the fourth and fifth guys are in the room but want to keep it a mystery. Hogan says the belt is too heavy, and they should melt it down and create a new design. Maybe have a spinner on it? Hall calls Giant, Sting and Luger losers. Nash uses the old “what ya gonna do when Hulkamania runs wild on you” line, adding the nWo to the quote. Hogan says that doesn’t fit the occasion, suggesting the Outsiders shouldn’t be fighting tonight. He says the remaining WCW fans will disown the company once Nash and Hall embarrass Sting and Luger. Hogan says he’s “upset and confused”. Not sure why. Promo pretty much ends there.

We get an advertisement for WCW Saturday Night, then we’re back in the ring with Konnan and Jim “Jobber” Powers. I guess they made their entrances during that long-ass, rambling nWo promo.

Jim “Jobber” Powers Vs Konnan

Any guesses as to who loses this one?

If you guessed Jim Powers, congratulations. Konnan’s feet are blatantly on the ropes, but the ref doesn’t give a shit. He counts anyway. Can’t blame him really. Fuck this match going any longer than it has to.

Konnan def. Jim “Jobber” Powers via Pinfall.

Tony says “Konnan has certainly done a 360″. That’s the second time this has been said this in recent weeks - a 360 would mean he’s exactly the same, Tony. Think about it. In fact I’m pretty sure Larry was the one who made this mistake last time, and Tony corrected him. So either Tony is extremely forgetful and/or dumb, or he was purposefully taking a snide shot at Larry’s idiocy. Take your pick I guess.

Konnan appears to have heard Tony’s 360 remark as he looks completely baffled.

Oh, Gene’s here. I was wondering where he’d been hiding. Gene notes that Konnan compared himself to Hulk Hogan. What? Maybe in terms of being bald, but otherwise I’m not seeing. it. Amusingly, Gene has to redirect Konnan to the hard-cam.

“Here’s our camera”. 

Konnan says that Gene’s opinion isn’t relevant as he doesn’t pay Konnan’s cheques, “so shut up”. Hah. About time someone said it. The crowd boo Konnan loudly, Gene quips “these people don’t like you. I can’t understand why”. Konnan should pop Gene in the mouth. Konnan uses Larry’s awful “new world odor” slogan and says that “in Mexico they say whoever fails to plan, plans to fail”. Pretty sure that’s not a Mexican specific saying, but OK, sure. Konnan says he has a fool proof plan, then pauses as the fans boo him again. Gene says “don’t pay attention to these people, we only have a limited amount of time”. What a dick.

Konnan says he’s sticking with WCW, and the nWo better watch out for him. I’m sure they’re terrified now. 

Hit Gene. Go on, hit him. No. He just leaves the ring. Disappointing.

Out wanders this guy. Looks like a skinny, non-pierced Prince Albert. This is in fact the infamous “Yetay”, who also went by the names “Super Giant Ninja”, “SWAT” and apparently in the far future “Vanilla Gorilla”. I love that last one. Vanilla Gorilla. Amazing. He walks out to the ring with this weird waddle, like he’s shit himself.

His opponent is Chris Benoit, accompanied by Woman and Miss Elizabeth. 

Ron “Vanilla Gorilla” Studd Vs Chris Benoit

“It could be a good match up here”, says Tony. Oh I doubt it.

That is some size difference. Larry calls it “beauty and the beast”, referring to Benoit as the “beauty”. I don’t know what to say to that.

Benoit is pointing at the Vanilla Gorilla and yelling at him like a school teacher lecturing a dickhead student. He then slaps Studd in the face. Studd looks vaguely annoyed. Benoit slaps him in the face again, which causes Studd to toss Benoit in the corner and choke him. Benoit quickly gets Studd on the mat and works on his leg. Studd screams like his leg is being smashed by a hammer. 

Larry compares Studd to a beached whale as he flops around in the ring, selling the beating Benoit is giving to his left leg. Benoit slides out of the ring, drags Studd towards the ring post and slams his leg into said post a couple of times. 

The Vanilla Gorilla manages to slam Benoit to the canvas, then inexplicably tries going up to the top turnbuckle despite his leg injury. What an utterly stupid idea. 

It obviously doesn’t end well. The referee is running away like Studd is going to explode as he hits the mat. 

Instead Benoit just covers him for the pin, and this one is over. Pretty much a total squash.

Chris Benoit defeats Ron Studd via Pinfall.

“What a win for Chris Benoit”, claims Tony. Yeah, that’s some victory against the Yetay, Super Giant Ninja, Vanilla Gorilla Ron Studd. Well done.

Okerlund is back in the ring. He’s on a roll now.

Gene says he’s getting a little light headed and hands the mic to Woman. Benoit doesn’t look impressed. Woman asks why Gene is getting light headed, and Gene says “I can’t talk about it”, basically suggesting it’s because he’s got a boner. Thanks for letting us know. 

He turns to Benoit and notes that he’ll be facing Giant at “Clash of the Champions” on Thursday. We see still shots of Benoit Vs Malenko at Hog Wild, which Gene was apparently very impressed by. Benoit says Malenko is one of the greatest technical wrestlers in the world and admires his talent.He says that Malenko didn’t realise he was in the ring “with a man on an agenda”. I assume he means “with an agenda”. He says the Horsemen “have an agenda, and until we fulfil that agenda, we will fulfil that agenda”. OK.

Benoit says Giant is “strong by stature, big by stature”, but the Crippler will knock him down to size. Should have just said that from the start and left the agenda stuff out.

We’re back with Tony and Larry who are talking about the Steiners Vs Harlem Heat, and we get this still shot.

Context needed? Nope. None given. OK. Oddly we switch from this still shot, which seems to be from the end of the match, to the teams coming out at the start of the match. Come on, at least show things in order.  

We’re counting down to the second hour and the guys behind Tony and Larry are PUMPED. 

Fireworks go off for hour number two, as we switch to the broadcast team of Eric Bischoff and Bobby “the brain” Heenan. 

Check out this madlad, with the french flag for some reason painted on his face. One assumes that it’s because he is French, but this is WCW, so who knows. 

“Here’s a story of two brothers, Rick and Scott”...

The crowd barks in approval as the Steiner Brothers make their way out. 

Yes yes yes, no no no...

Did you know Harlem Heat’s theme samples a random song called “Sex Object” by a German band called “Kraftwerk” ? Seriously, look it up. Harlem Heat should totally have come out to that song. Well anyway, they’re accompanied by Sensational Sherri and everybody’s favourite plantation owner Col. Parker.

The Steiner Brothers vs Harlem Heat

The match starts off with a big brawl between the two teams. Harlem Heat bail to the outside and strategise. 

Scotty and his arms take control, beating on Booker T. He hits a belly to belly on Booker, then clotheslines Stevie Ray. Harlem Heat end up outside the ring again. It’s not been a good start for them.

Stevie Ray and Rick Steiner are now in the ring. Stevie clubs Rick with a few shots to the back, but Rick soon hits Stevie with a back drop, then tags Scotty and his arms back into the match. We go to break, and when we come back Scotty’s arms are wrapped around Booker’s head, like a boa constrictor.

Harlem Heat get Rick on the outside and slam him onto the mats. As soon as they get back into the ring, Rick Steiner gets back into control and then tags Scotty in to run riot again. This has been one way traffic. Scott hits Booker with a butterfly suplex and goes for the pin, but Stevie Ray breaks it up. 

Outside of the ring, the Colonel looks petrified as Rick stalks him. Meanwhile Sherri is rubbing Booker’s butt. 

Scott tries to suplex Booker back into the ring, but Sherri holds onto Scott’s foot.

For some reason, even though the ref can clearly see Sherri holding Scott’s foot under the rope, he starts making a count as Booker goes for the pin. Madness ensues though as Parker ends up in the ring, still being chased by Rick, and falls over Booker and Scotty.

What a klutz. The ref has had enough of this bullshit and rings the bell, declaring the Steiner Brothers the winners by disqualification.

The Steiner Brothers def. Harlem Heat via DQ.

Booker is enraged and goes over to yell at Parker, who protests his innocence.

Not sure why Booker is so angry anyway. They should already have been disqualified for the BS with Sherri holding Scott’s foot under the ropes. It’s a DQ anyway so it’s not like they’ve lost the belts. The Steiners should be the ones that are pissed off. 

“Good match”, says Bischoff. Not really. 

We’re now at the broadcast booth with Bischoff and Heenan. Why exactly is it that Tony and Larry can’t sit up there? Why do they have to stand around and commentate at ringside whilst these two get to chill at a desk? I’d be asking some questions. That said, Tony and Larry do say a lot of stupid shit, so maybe that’s their punishment. Fair enough if so.

Bischoff is talking about how outrageous and disgusting it is that Hogan desecrated the WCW world title and turned his back on the Booty Man. In fact, they’re so outraged that they’re going to show footage of it later and have continually hyped doing so. Makes sense. 

They show footage of Madusa smashing up Bull Nakano’s motorbike with a sledgehammer at Hog Wild. Heenan says that Hall and Nash are cool, and Sting and Luger are not. Harsh, but true. We also see stills of Rey Mysterio Jr Vs the Ultimo Dragon. WCW are confused at this point and keep switching between calling him the Ultimo and Ultimate Dragon. Both are technically accurate so I guess it’s fine, but stick to one of them please.

Out next is Cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio Jr. Bischoff mentions Mysterio getting thrown into the trailer by Nash a couple of weeks back. Heenan laughs. 

His opponent is the Ultimo/Ultimate Dragon, with Sonny Onoo accompanying him. No, they didn’t just drop their change, they’re bowing at each other. Because they’re Japanese. 

One day he will evolve into Shark Boy.

Rey Mysterio Jr Vs the Ultimate Dragon

Dragon spits out some red mist. Heenan says that Dragon got a hold of Eddie Guerrero’s chilli. Bischoff is not amused.

Dragon starts off with a flurry of kicks, then drops Mysterio with some kind of reverse rack/backbreaker. Dragon hits a springboard elbow in the corner on Mysterio then dumps him with a brutal looking sit-down powerbomb.

Heenan says Rey has been “folded like an envelope”. It’s been a pretty rough start for the future master of the 619. Bischoff says that the move should be an Olympic sport. OK. Heenan says in four years WCW should be in the Olympics “if there’s anything left of it after the nWo takes it apart”. Bobby, those words are more prophetic than you realise. The part about nothing being left of WCW, obviously not the olympics part. That’s just nonsense.

Rey gets back into the match and hits Dragon with a hurricanrana before launching himself out of the ring onto Dragon, who had rolled out onto the floor. Rey rolls Dragon back in, which allows Dragon to regain the advantage. Rey goes back outside, and Dragon hits him with a brutal looking suicide dive.

Double KO.

Dragon rolls Rey back into the ring and catches him with a tiger suplex, Rey hits his head kind of hard but is able to kick out. Dragon hits Rey with a moonsault, but Rey kicks out again. Dragon goes for a powerbomb, but Rey slips behind him and rolls Dragon up for the win.

Great match for the time it was allotted.

Rey Mysterio Jr def. Ultimate Dragon via Pinfall.

Post-match Dragon and Onoo are arguing with the referee. Not sure why as it was a pretty clean pin and there were no shenanigans involved. Bobby starts heeling on the town, asking “why did they name a town after a ghost?” - that was my joke, Heenan, keep up.

We see highlights of Flair beating Guerrero at Hog Wild, then Flair’s music hits in the arena as the Nature Boy makes his way out.

He’s accompanied by Woman and Liz, of course. I assume the US belt is under his lovely pink robe. Fireworks and pyro go off behind Flair as he makes his entrance.

Liz is going to have a sore face from smiling so much. She looks great though.

His opponent is the one and only Macho Man Randy Savage.

Savage gets some pyro too.

Nice. If WCW spent as much on security as they did on pyro for Flair and Savage they might not need the wrestlers to come out and do security themselves. Whatever happened to that idea anyway? Dropped after a week. To be fair it looked like the most boring job in existence so I can’t imagine too many people volunteering. 

You may remember that Flair and Savage faced off on the 17th June Nitro, a match which Flair ended up winning after the Horsemen interfered. Let’s see if Macho has better luck this time. As Savage comes to the ring, Bischoff claims that he’s “a man who represents WCW so well”. Keep in mind this man was banned from all WCW events only a few months ago due to his crazy behaviour.

Ric Flair Vs Randy Savage

Savage charges to the ring but gets hammered into the corner by Flair, as the US title belt goes flying under the bottom rope. Flair struts and releases a “woo”, and we are underway. 

Macho Man takes control, countering Flair’s chest chops with punches to the head. One seems like it would be more effective than the other. Chest chop, punch, chest chop, punch.

They end up brawling on the outside, before Flair chucks Savage back into the ring and we go to a break.

We come back with Flair in control. He drapes Savage over the middle rope, allowing Liz to give him a slap across the face. Then we’re back to chest chop, punch, chest chop, punch. Neither seems to be especially effective any more.

Except this punch, which knocks Flair’s face into a wobbly mess.

Flair eventually gets back into control by taking Savage down at the knees and then throwing him outside. Woman punts Savage in the stomach for good measure. Savage gets back into the ring, and Flair continues to work on the left knee of the Macho Man, which then leads to the Figure Four.

It’s supposed to hurt, but it looks more like Flair and Savage are taking a break. Flair grabs the rope intermittently to increase the pressure. Obviously the ref never sees Flair doing this, despite it happening in literally every Ric Flair match ever.

Savage is able to reverse the Figure Four, and now Flair is feeling the pain.

The reverse Figure Four spot is always amusing to me as it’s Flair who has the legs hooked here. All he has to do is unwrap his legs and the hold is broken. Eventually he does, but why endure even a second of pain in the reversal? 

“You can hear the crowd, Macho! Macho! Macho!” says Bischoff. The crowd are not chanting this. They’re pretty quiet.

Flair does his usual dunce move of going up to the top rope, which has a 99.9% failure rate, and wouldn’t you know it...

Flair just can’t help himself.

Savage takes Flair into the corner, and for no obvious reason the referee decides to push Macho out of the corner. Flair comes flying out of the corner to clothesline Savage, but...

Ref bump.

Randy Anderson goes down like he’s been hit by a train. The fight goes back to the outside, and Savage starts ripping the protective mats off to expose the concrete. He sets Flair up for a piledriver onto the concrete, but look out behind you...

No, it’s not the Horsemen, who are nowhere to be seen, it’s Hollywood Hogan with a steel chair. He cracks Savage across the back and then across the forehead with the chair. Hogan tosses Savage back into the ring and then walks off. Flair rolls back in and makes the pin with his feet on the ropes.   

Really not necessary to cheat at this point but whatever. Nick Patrick counts the three as the ringside doctor checks on a still prone Randy Anderson, and this one is over. Nice of Hogan to do the Horsemen’s job for them. Flair should have just joined the nWo, he would have been much better off for it.

Ric Flair defeats Randy Savage via Pinfall.

The crowd boo as Flair’s music plays. Bischoff and Heenan are confused, and are asking why Hogan and the nWo are yet to lay a finger on Flair. They’re obviously planting seeds of doubt as to whether Flair is with the nWo. 

We get some more still shots of Hog Wild, and I’ve got to say...

This nWo t-shirt design is pretty awesome, albeit a total ripoff of the Terminator. Did they ever sell those? I would have bought one. I’d still buy one now. 

Anyway, we see Hall and Nash interfere, allowing Hogan to crack Giant with the WCW title and get the pin. 

We then get footage of the Booty Man coming out with some kind of celebratory cake for Hogan (I think it was his birthday either on that day or the day before?).

He’s also rocking that sweet terminator nWo shirt. Nice for the WCW staff to assist. 

We see the future Disciple get beaten up by the nWo for no clear reason, and then Hogan spraypaints “nWo” on the world title. 

Next up is Gene-o in the entrance way. He’s interviewing Hogan.

Gene acts like anybody really cares that Hogan beat up the Booty Man. I mean, if you want to have this taken seriously, at least call him Ed Leslie, or The Butcher, or even the Zodiac. Anything but the Booty Man. To quote Jimmy from South Park, “come on”. Have I mentioned how awesome that nWo shirt is? Okerlund should be focusing on that, rather than the Booty Man getting another deserved beating.

Hogan says “all of a sudden, the new world order is real important around here”. Not sure why he’s pushing this narrative that the nWo was being ignored previously. WCW has pretty much been talking about the nWo since day one when Hall arrived on the scene. They’ve been given a ton of screen time, promo time, adverts, been allowed into the production truck to fuck with the show... I mean, they aren’t doing too badly. 

Hogan says they’ve taken the world title “easily”, and he feels that there’s no stopping the new world order. Gene asks about Ric Flair, but Hogan says it all boils down to “business”, and the nWo attacked WCW not because of the people who are there, but because they had a mission. He never really goes into the specifics, instead comparing the nWo to burning condominiums in Waco. 

Hulk basically says he attacked Savage because he wanted Flair to be in top condition for the Clash of the Champions on Thursday. Should have come out a lot earlier then. Gene asks about the tag match between the Outsiders and Sting & Luger. Hogan says once the Outsiders are done with “the Stinker” and “Flexy Lexy”, they’re going to “change all their names”. Didn’t he just do that? 

Oh well. The man who calls himself “Hollywood” and the “Hulkster” says he doesn’t like nicknames and the nWo are targeting people with nicknames. I guess that explains the Beefcake, Barber, Man With No Name, Zodiac, Booty Man Ed Leslie being attacked at least. He should have been at the top of the list for sure.

Hogan says that after he beats him at Clash of the Champions, Flair will be known as “the stupid little man, brother”. He ends the interview by saying “see you later, chump” to Mean Gene and walks off. Gene is not impressed. So basically what we learned from that interview is that the nWo’s beef is with wrestlers that have nicknames. It’s unclear if they include themselves in that. 

We come back from a break and see this.

Some guy in a mascot suit of some kind standing in the ring. For some reason the crowd are cheering wildly for this. I have no idea what’s going on.

Now we randomly flash back to footage from a couple of weeks ago of after Hall and Nash beat up Arn Anderson with a baseball bat.

Bischoff and Heenan are agitated because it’s main event time and they don’t know where the Outsiders are. They’re both glancing around in a panic. If their match is coming up they’re probably in the back somewhere? Why would they be milling around the announce desk?

Bischoff says the production truck tells them the match is going down, but they don’t know where the Outsiders are. Well, then how is the match going to take place? 

We get our answer as the Outsiders come through the crowd and hop the guard rail to get into the ring. 

Sting’s music hits, but only Luger comes out, looking somewhat concerned.

Nick Patrick is running beside him, gesticulating about something. Sting is nowhere to be seen. Luger jumps into the ring, taking down the Outsiders with a double clothesline.

Savour this image of Nash taking an honest to goodness bump. As Luger manages to take on both Outsiders, Sting suddenly appears from the crowd...

And I guess we have a match!

The Outsiders Vs Stinker & Flexy Lexy

Sting clothelines Nash out of the ring, and Luger knocks Hall to the outside as well. The Outsiders regroup on the outside and talk some strategy. 

The action spills to the outside. I don’t think the bell has even rung yet, so I’m not sure if this match has actually started. There’s a ref in there but he isn’t attempting to get any control. It’s just madness. Sting gets thrown over the top rope to the outside. Bischoff asks why there’s no DQ - “it was over the top rope, Nick Patrick saw it”.

Okay, two things here. Firstly, we’ve already established that the over the top rope rule is utilised on a completely random, extremely rare basis. In fact since I started these reviews in May 96 there has only been one case of a DQ being given for somebody been thrown over the top rope, despite it happening on a consistent basis. 

Secondly, again, I don’t think the match has even started. I never heard a bell ring and the teams are just brawling like it’s a tornado tag, even though as far as I’m aware it’s meant to be a standard tag team match. So, there you go. Bischoff should know better than anybody that rules are an extremely fluid concept in WCW. It’s kind of hilarious that in the midst of this pandemonium Bischoff is getting worked up over a rule that nobody pays any attention to.  

Sting hits Nash with a stinger splash, then tries to hit Hall with one as well, but Hall dodges and Sting crashes over the turnbuckle.

All of a sudden the Horsemen, including Flair, storm the ring. The Outsiders bail instantly and run away through the crowd. Heenan expresses surprise that the Horsemen have come out to help Luger and Sting. 

The Outsiders Vs Sting & Luger ends in a No Contest, I guess?

We cut to a replay of Sting missing the splash on Hall...

And it shows Nick Patrick pretty blatantly pulling Hall out of the way. Bischoff says “the man was paid off. This bites.” 

Of course Mean Gene appears, because where there’s controversy Mean Gene is never far behind. 

Flair says “let’s draw the guidelines of history right now”. He says he doesn’t like Luger and Sting, but he’s going to play ball with them because they’re WCW. Flair tells Hogan he’s going to explain being a bad guy, noting that firstly you never over-match yourself. Flair says Nash is “too big” for him, “but how about trying on the all-pro, Mongo McMichael for size” ? We’re talking about a guy who literally fell through the ropes a couple of weeks ago, Ric. I don’t think Mongo is the right choice here. He says Anderson has Hall name’s written all over him. Flair says that Benoit can destroy whoever the fourth nWo member is.

Mongo is extremely amused by this for some reason. Flair screams that he and Hogan will “style and profile, Horseman style” - sounds like fun. 

Gene bids us a goodnight as the show ends. Somebody send me that nWo terminator shirt please.

Oh, by the way, throughout the night the commentators were hyping Giant Vs Arn Anderson for the main event. Even during that last tag match it was mentioned. The show goes off the air with no mention of it. Why even advertise the match if there was no intention of doing it? I mean, I’m not exactly sad that I didn’t get to see the Giant Vs Arn Anderson, but still. 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 05/08/1996

“WCW Monday Nitro explodes onto the air!” yells Tony Schiavone, as fireworks go off and we officially enter August 1996.

We’re still at Disney/MGM Studios in Orlando, Florida. 

As usual Tony and Larry are our hosts for the first hour, and once again they’re proudly displaying their allegiance to Mickey Mouse.  

Tony recalls the Outsiders’ attack from last week, to which Larry says “real men do their fighting in the ring”, he says Hulk Hogan has delusions of grandeur and his flunkies are following his bidding. Larry claims he’s worked out where this is all going, that the Outsiders have “lit a fire under this pan” and that at Hog Wild the “new world odor” will dive “swan style” right into it. Can’t help but think if Larry has it all figured out he should be able to work out exactly what the nWo are going to do next, but he gives no indication of that.

We go to footage from last week and the first thing they focus on is the empty seats during the riveting Mike Enos Vs Jim Duggan match.

Nice of them to make it so obvious, or we may not have understood what Tony meant by empty seats.

Tony then says the nWo attacked “in random order” - which is not really true, they attacked in one specific spot and just wrecked anybody who was there. They seem to be trying to make a link between the empty seats and the nWo but I’m not sure why. There’s no indication the nWo were ever going to come out to ringside and sit down - so what benefit was there to them reserving those seats? 

Tony states the obvious by saying “it’s obvious to me that the security here at WCW is not enough”. No shit, they’re absolutely useless. Larry says that now “the wrestlers are going to handle their own security”. Right, so rather than actually hire proper security, WCW have basically told the wrestlers to look after themselves. What a wonderful working environment. Nobody has thought to call the police, but we’ve already established that as far as WCW are concerned there is no such thing as a police force.

A bunch of mid-card wrestlers start wandering out, emphasising that they’re handling their own security now. Are these guys getting paid extra to act as security guards on top of their normal jobs as wrestlers? Are they even trained to do such a job? Also, didn’t the attack happen backstage last week? The Outsiders never came to ringside to attack the wrestlers, so why are WCW sending wrestlers to the ring? Shouldn’t they be posted backstage instead? Idiots.

Scott Norton is not exactly dressed for a fight. He’s got a very casual look going on. Meanwhile, Tony points out there are four empty chairs again this week:

Seriously, if it is the nWo reserving these chairs then firstly, how? And secondly, why? On the plus side the guys either side of the empty chairs get a bit more leg room. I do wonder if WCW vacated these chairs on the hard camera just to stop annoying people from sitting in them. On more than one broadcast these seats were filled with either old people or idiots with more interest in waving and doing stupid shit for the camera than watching the action. Not a good look.

Our first match is for the tag team titles.

First out are the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express accompanied by a palm tree. Just kidding, the tree is just in the fucking way of every person’s entrance. Can the Giant not come out and uproot it or something?

Also can’t help but think those people next to the WCW sign on the left have a pretty shitty view. As in, they can’t see the ring at all. What’s the point?

RnR look kind of drunk/stoned. But I think that’s just their natural look.

Oh, I spot a regular in the crowd again.

The guy who loves Hacksaw and detests Konnan.

We also get a shot of Security Guard Meng.

Check it out, they even gave him a WCW Nitro Crew sleeveless shirt. Seems like a bit of an insult. Again, I hope these guys are getting paid extra to this. The only reason they have to is because apparently WCW is too cheap to hire real security. That said, Meng would be the ultimate Security Guard. 

Out next are the tag team champions, accompanied by Sister Sherri and Col Parker. Booker yells stuff into the camera as usual. He seems to have dropped the gimmick where he was bringing out his big ass 90′s cell phone. I wonder who he was talking to? 

These guys are super excited for this one. 

Col. Parker and Sister Sherri are dancing outside the ring as the match starts.

Not taking this seriously at all. If you’re going to just stand out there dancing and acting like jackasses you might as well leave. 

Harlem Heat Vs the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express

Stevie Ray is in the ring against Ricky Morton to start off, but he takes one look at dat mullet...

And tags out to Booker T. OK?

As the match starts, Sister Sherri is dabbing Col Parker’s face with a handkerchief.

Again, if you can’t focus, get out of here. Jeez. Parker is sweating a lot, though. So much that he might want to get it checked out. Nobody in the crowd is sweating that much. 

Booker T hits Morton with a single shoulder tackle and Morton already looks knackered.

Morton gets run over by Booker again and falls into the corner. He’s literally taken two moves and is acting like they’ve been wrestling for an hour. 

RnR double team Booker and clothelines him over the top rope and outside the ring. Disqualification, isn’t it? No? OK.

We get an advert with Macho Man advising us to snap into a Slim Jim, then we’re back to the tag team title match. RnR have taken control and are working on the legs of Booker T.

Tony fills a plot hole by saying wrestlers are posted backstage too. I’m impressed, I didn’t think they’d address that. 

Anyhow, Booker hits Morton with a harlem sidekick, but he kicks out at two. Stevie Ray is tagged in and smacks Morton around for a bit. He also makes a really shitty cover.

You’re supposed to pin his shoulders to the mat, Stevie, not just lay over him putting no pressure whatsoever onto the guy’s upper body. Obviously Morton kicks out. 

Booker gets tagged back in and continues the attack on poor old Ricky Morton. It’s not been a good match for him tonight. Sherri and Parker are just fucking around outside again and Booker is getting rightly pissed off.

He’s basically telling them to pay attention or do one. Probably better off just ignoring them. You aren’t going to need these two bells to beat the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express. 

Despite all this distraction, Morton is still getting absolutely murked. Morton does eventually get the “hot tag” to Robert Gibson which gets absolutely no reaction. Gibson turns the tide in the RnR Express’ favour. Sherri gets up on the apron to get involved, but Gibson shoves her away. Parker is infuriated, so he too gets up on the apron and starts going crazy.

Gibson looks a little bit scared.

But then decks the Colonel. Good. The distraction allows Booker to boot Gibson in the face and get the three count.

Harlem Heat defeat the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express via pinfall.

We cut to Mean Gene who is with the Nasty Boys. Before the camera turns to them we hear Gene say “please, this is a public place”. No comment.

Gene mentions that it’s Sting & Luger against the Nasty Boys in a tag team match later on. I question the design of the Nasty Boys glasses. How can you see out of those things? 

Gene mentions that the Nasty Boys have a “relationship” with Hulk Hogan and asks what they make of the nWo. Haven’t they already been asked this literally two or three weeks ago, and they said they didn’t really give a shit? Gene is just desperate to try and get them in trouble. 

Knobbs says that the Nasty Boys are getting a lot of “geef” for being friends with Hogan. I assume he meant to say grief. Knobbs basically reiterates that he doesn’t care what Hogan is doing, saying it’s a “free country”. Saggs is basically about to say they same thing before Sting and Luger arrive.

Sting says the Nasty Boys aren’t being clear on things, and wants to know whether the Nasty Boys are with WCW or with the Outsiders. Saggs says that they stand where they’ve always stood, in Nastyville. To my knowledge that’s a fictional place so either Saggs is a delusional shithead or avoiding the question. 

Why does Knobbs’ jacket artwork make him look even fatter than he is, btw? 

Knobbs yells that it’s none of Sting or Luger’s business anyway. Luger says they’ll make it their business tonight, and he and Sting walk off. Knobbs repeats his line from before, that the Nasty’s don’t condone Hogan’s actions, but they don’t say they’re wrong either. Fine, whatever. Does anyone really care where these two idiots stand anyway?

We go to a break, then come back with the same Glacier promo that’s been repeated for weeks on end now.

Next out is Malia Hosaka with Sonny Onoo.

I was about to comment we haven’t had a shot of Mickey Mouse yet, but...

There it is. Thank goodness.

Hosaka’s opponent is, of course, Madusa. 

Malia Hosaka Vs Madusa

We saw these two wrestle a few weeks back. It was OK, but had a stupid finish where Hosaka’s foot was completely over the rope as the ref counted the pin.

Hosaka is in control early on. The crowd starts chanting “USA”. Madusa responds by hitting a spin wheel kick on Hosaka, but soon the Japanese female is back in control once again. 

Hosaka locks Madusa into a figure four.Not going to lie, this has been decent so far.

Hosaka continues to dominate for a while, before Madusa slaps her in the stomach a few times to gain control. As the match is going on, a limo shows up.

Only yellow shirt security there. Might be a good time to get the wrestlers out to surround that thing?

Oono gets up on the apron, and Madusa decks him with a drop kick. 

Madusa, for some reason, can’t get up after this. 

Hosaka gets the pin and the victory. Another weak and weird finish. You don’t often see somebody get knocked out by their own drop kick. Oh well. Note to Stevie Ray: that’s how you pin somebody.

Milia Mosaka defeats Madusa via pinfall.

We get an advert for WCW Saturday Night on TBS. They advise John Tenta Vs Big Bubba as one of the matches. Oh boy. Can’t miss that.

We get a replay of three weeks ago, when Malenko cost Benoit his match against Eddie Guerrero. European techno music plays, and we get the introduction of “Das WunderMega” Alex Wright.

He’s determined. He also backflips off the turnbuckle during his entrance.

Cool move, but you might want to save it for when the match starts. 

This guy disapproves. Not sure if it’s the backflip, the techno music or Alex Wright in general, but he’s making it clear he is not a fan.

Awesome guitar riff means Horsemen, in this instance Benoit with Woman and Miss Elizabeth.

Woman appears to have forgotten to put a shirt on underneath her jacket. Liz has a very sparkly blue dress. 

The woman on the right is doing that weird hand gesture which is like a reverse sieg heil. I assume this is a disapproving hand gesture although I’ve never seen it here in the UK. The guy to her left is also giving the thumbs down, although I’m more concerned by his stomach. This guy either eats very well or is very bloated. Might also be pregnant or have a beach ball stuffed under his shirt. Dude in the bottom left is very happy though.

Alex Wright Vs Chris Benoit

The WWE Network just lists this as “Alex Wright in singles action”. 

Benoit starts off the match by just beating the piss out of Wright in the corner. Wright retaliates with a European Uppercut and returns the piss beating. Good start to the match. Benoit bails outside. We get another shot of the limo.

Last time they did this nobody ever actually got out, and the episode ended with Arn creepily trying to leer through the tinted windows. There’s quite a crowd forming, though. Do they think it’s a taxi?That would be awesome, actually. Especially if Hulk and the Outsiders were inside. You’d be changing direction to head to the nearest bar and party all night, brother.

Benoit knocks Wright down, then stands over him, pointing, yelling and slapping his face.

The ref is not impressed.

Das WunderMega manages to take control, hitting Benoit with a couple of flying head scissors before running head first into the turnbuckle.

Whoops. 

Meng is sitting on the ring steps, staring off whimsically into space. Lost in his own thoughts. This job is a lot less stressful than he thought it would be. He’s thinking maybe he’s found his calling. 

These guys behind Liz look bored as shit. Not sure why, this is actually a good match.

Benoit has Wright in the corner and is chopping his chest. He throws Wright to the mat by his hair, then drapes Wright over the top rope. The commentators are completely ignoring the match and talking about the limo. Larry mentions that the limo might be waiting to pick somebody up. Tony says history rules that out and it’s got to be the nWo. Well, actually, if recent history is anything to go by nobody will get out and the limo will just sit there until the show ends, but whatever. I guess technically the nWo did arrive last week in a limo, although they were already out and beating the crap out of people by the time the cameras saw it. In all honesty though, this would be kind of dumb on the nWo’s part to show up in a limo and then just sit inside for a while. I mean, it’s not exactly a stealthy way to arrive. What would they do if WCW wrestlers just started surrounding the limo? They’d be pretty fucked. 

Norton’s sunglasses are off, and now he’s staring off into the distance too. To be fair this must be kind of boring, just standing out there with their backs to the ring for literally hours. They could have at least taken turns with other wrestlers. I assume Norton is thinking about what he’s going to have to eat once the show ends. It’s definitely a food-contemplation type of gaze.

Jimmy Hart suddenly arrives and starts talking to Woman and Liz. For the record, even though it’s supposed to be the Giant on his back, it looks much more like Kevin Nash.  

Hart is yelling at Woman that she’s wasting her time out here and calls Liz “useless”. Harsh, but probably fair. He’s trying to recruit Woman into the Dungeon of Doom. Can literally think of no reason for her to do so. Hart says that she’s got somebody in the back she’s driving crazy and points to a picture of Kevin Sullivan on his tie...

Seriously. Look at this. Just look at it. Sullivan looks like he’s had a fucking lobotomy. Is that the best they could do? 

Suddenly Stinko Malenko is out, grabbing Woman by the arm and yelling at her to come to the back. None of the wrestlers at ringside going to stop this? Come to think of it, other than Norton they’re all Dungeon of Doom members, so I guess not. Benoit notices Stinko harassing Woman and dives over the top rope to intervene.

These two go off towards the entrance fighting. The ref calls for the bell, and Benoit is counted out. 

Alex Wright defeats Chris Benoit via countout. 

We go to a break, then we come back to...

Hell yeah. It’s my boy Steven Regal, accompanied by Jeeves waving that tiny little British flag. Sadly no mic time for Regal, probably banned after the “Junior Adolf” incident, but nonetheless his opponent is the “Macho Man” Randy Savage. 

Could be wrong but I don’t foresee this ending well for Lord Steven. No explanation as to how the Macho Man came out unscathed from last week’s ride atop of a limo. I guess it just stopped at some point and Macho hopped off in the middle of nowhere. Tony makes some baffling comments as Savage comes out, labeling him totally trustworthy and behind WCW since his arrival. This is dumb on multiple levels. Savage has always been portrayed as a totally unpredictable madman, and he was also literally banned from arenas by WCW only a couple of months ago. Has Schiavone forgotten this already? If it was Sting coming out then yeah, sure, these comments would make sense. But the insane Randy Savage? Sorry Tony, but you’re talking nonsense and need a slap. To be fair to Larry, he calls Tony out on this and says “hold on, you’re telling me you trust Randy Savage?”, Tony says “yes, I do”, Larry replies that nobody is to be trusted, especially Savage. For once, Living Legend, I agree 100%. 

Lord Steven Regal Vs Macho Man Randy Savage

Regal looks perplexed by Savage.

“Wasn’t he riding on top of a limo last week?”

Regal shows off his muscles.

Should probably be more worried about the size of his gut and arse, but whatever. The crowd boo.

Larry actually does bring up Savage riding away last week atop of the limosuine and says he was carried for “five miles” before falling off. I find that hard to believe. 

Regal takes Savage down with various technical holds. He then makes an expression like Savage just farted in his face.

I do love Regal’s facial expressions.

Savage takes control, raking Regal’s face against the top rope, then choking Regal with his boot and then his hand. The little stick of dynamite appears in the bottom right hand corner suggesting hour number two is on the way. Tony says there is no Bischoff or Heenan, so Tony and Larry are continuing on as fireworks go off in the background.

Tony says Heenan walked off last week due to fear, and is basically saying Heenan isn’t around because he’s shitting himself. He can’t explain Eric’s absence. Larry thinks “they got him”. What does he mean, that they kidnapped Bischoff? I think that’s pretty unlikely, Larry. You’d have probably heard something from somebody if that were the case. Suddenly, Sting and Luger arrive on the scene. 

You’d think this might be something serious, but...

They’re just slapping hands with fans at ringside. It’s all good. 

Now they’re sitting down in the empty seats in the front row. I guess they just couldn’t miss this match. They could have at least put shirts on if they were coming out to be audience members. Luger is essentially in his underwear. 

They’re pretty relaxed. Just chatting, laughing, no big deal. 

Some guy in the front row leans in and starts chatting to Luger.

“Man, it’s really cool that you’re out here and all, but could you put a shirt on?”

Savage ruins Sting and Luger’s peaceful viewing experience by walking over and pushing Regal into the chairs Sting and Luger were sitting on.

Bit of a dick move. They go back into the ring and Sting and Luger sit back down. 

Savage plants a top rope flying elbow onto Regal and this one is over.

Macho Man Randy Savage defeats Lord Steven Regal via pinfall.

Unlucky Lord Steven. You’ll get him next time.

Sting and Luger decide to take a wander over to the limo.

About time. Not sure why they didn’t do this as soon as it arrived, but better late than never. It was nice of them to wait until the Savage/Regal match was finished, at least.

Sting pokes his head in to say hello, but surprise surprise, nobody’s there.

Sting does find a bouquet of flowers. Put those back, man, they obviously weren’t intended for you. Clearly somebody was planning to pick up some chick and surprise her with flowers when they got into the limo. He’ll be pretty pissed when he finds out Sting stole them. 

So apparently the flowers say “condolences on the death of WCW”. That book won’t be written for at least another eight years so perhaps it’s actually a time traveler.

Tony says this is “a very unfunny, cruel joke”. Meh. 

Gene-o is in the ring with Macho Man and tells someone in the audience to “lay off the Matlock jokes”. 

Okerlund informs us that Savage will face whoever wins out of Hogan and the Giant at Hog Wild, but as a result Savage is banned from the PPV. That was the deal WCW made with Savage. Not sure why WCW would want to cut a deal like that. Wouldn’t they want Savage there to raise hell? 

Savage is intense, and is rocking an interesting fringe. Gene looks a little frightened.

Macho says Giant will take a big piece of Hogan, but if he leaves “a liiiiiiiittle bit” Savage will get the job done. Basically saying Giant will lose, then, since Macho is assuming he’ll be going on to face Hogan.

Sting is still carrying around those flowers. Funny because the audience would have no idea where they came from or why Sting has them. Gene asks “what is this?”, Sting lets everybody know the flowers came from the limo and repeats the condolences message. Macho says “we’re not even in a state of shock, we’re not even shaking” - as his hand comes up and purposefully trembles.

Sting says he hopes the Outsides can get their money back because WCW is alive and healthy. He gives the flowers to Macho Man, who drops them. Sting picks them back up and holds them for Macho to kick.

Well, the Outsiders won’t get their money back now. The limo drives away. 

We go back to Tony and Larry who are still wondering where Bischoff and Heenan are. You would have thought one of the production staff might have told them by now. Somebody must know where they are.

Larry appears to be sweating fairly heavily around the lower ribcage. Unusual.

We see footage of WCW Saturday Night, where Ric Flair and Eddie Guerrero had a brawl. Afterwards Guerrero is interviewed and basically says he’ll win the US title from Flair at Hog Wild. Rey is also there.

Hand on his head, just to remind us he got slammed head first into the production truck last week.

He says “Kevin Nash, the Outsiders, uh...”

And that’s it. Guerrero takes over and says “we’re going to fight back”. OK.

Out next is Ed Leslie, aka “the booty man”. This is seriously one of the shittiest gimmicks ever. He’s got holes cut out over each arse cheek (with more fabric underneath) just to let you know he’s all about the butts. His butt, his opponent’s butt, your butt, my butt... he just loves dat ass. The Booty Man sounds more like an anal porn character. This is basically Billy Gunn’s “Mr Ass” gimmick put through the WCW filter. It worked much better for Billy than it did for Mr Leslie. His theme music is just a woman singing “shake your booty, shake shake shake shake shake shake WOO! Shake your booty” ... who thought this was a good idea? I’m also not sure why Kimberly aka “the Booty Babe” got stuck with this guy. Did she piss somebody in the office off? As they’re coming out she says “everyone’s looking so bootiful” twice... didn’t even sound good the first time. Bootiful. Sounds more like an insult. You all look like ass. Thanks.

The Nature Boy makes his entrances with Woman, Debra and Liz. Tony calls him “the #1 contender for the world title”. In what way? Hogan is facing the Giant at Hog Wild and we’ve just been told Savage his the next shot regardless of who wins, so at best Flair is #3. Tony has his dunce hat on tonight.

That aside, the ringside area has never looked hotter. Woman, Debra, Liz and Kimberly all in one place. Wonderful.

Larry starts ragging on Tony for doubting Ric Flair’s allegiance, and calls him a politician. Tony admits he was wrong and says politicians don’t admit when they’re wrong. Larry says politicians “do 360′s”. Tony says “no, they do 180′s”. Looks like Larry has the dunce hat on now.

Arn Anderson makes his way out. Not sure why he couldn’t just come out with Flair, but whatever.

Ric Flair vs the Booty Man

Flair starts off strong, throwing the Booty Man outside and slapping him around before tossing him back into the ring.

Mongo and Benoit are out, chilling by the palm tree. A shame for Benoit that none of the horsemen were around when he was having trouble with Stinko earlier, but, yeah. 

In the ring Flair punches Booty Man in the dick and struts around. He’s having a good time, the Booty Man isn’t a challenge. 

Poor Meng. He’s bored as hell. 

Bobby Heenan has finally arrived. Some other guy is also at the broadcast booth with some massive plugs.

Schiavone asks Heenan what is going on. I think he means it literally as opposed to “what’s up?”. Heenan says Tony should tell him what’s going on. He says last week there were bodies out the back looking like they’d been attacked “by a meat cleaver or baseball bat”. Two very different weapons that would inflict very different injuries, Bobby. If the Outsiders were going around slicing people up with meat cleavers then I think even WCW would probably have to call the police. 

Heenan doesn’t really give a good reason for being late. He agrees security is good this week and says “I made it here”. Yeah, but not on time. Not even close. Heenan asks where Bischoff is. He says he stood backstage “with my thumb in my mouth” waiting for somebody to give him some direction. Come on, Bobby. You’ve been with WCW for, what, two plus years now? You know how this shit works. Direction is not the company’s strong suit. 

Heenan suddenly decides he doesn’t feel safe any more and leaves again. OK. Why bother coming out at all then? In the meantime the horsemen have hit the ring and are beating the shit out of the Booty Man. Flair has him in the figure four anyway so not really necessarily, but whatever.

The Booty Man defeats Ric Flair via Disqualification.

Larry says that the Horsemen are beating up Booty Man because he’s a friend of Hogan. Could just be beating him up for that horrific gimmick. Either way would be justified. 

The Booty Man is feeling the pain. Flair is yelling and kicking at Schiavone from the apron, which annoys Tony. Hah. Tony yells that Flair is a sick man. Jeez, his opinion is swung very quickly back to hating Slick Ric.

Seeing that shit is going down, Mean Gene is of course on the scene. He can’t resist sticking his beak in when things are getting out of hand. He yells “Arn Anderson, stop this carnage right now!”

Firstly, as if Anderson is going to listen to you, Gene. Secondly, as if you really want this to stop. You love it. Gene shouts “last week you were a victim, this week you’re a perpetrator!”

It’s almost like they’ve forgotten literally everything the Horsemen did over the last decade or so. They were the nWo before the nWo existed. Nobody should be surprised by this.

Anderson says “intense pain is a wonderful thing”. Eh? Anderson says last week when he was in the back of the ambulance and he saw “Flair, Sting, Woman, Bagwell, myself” ... wait, what? Himself? Was he having an out of body experience? Maybe there was a mirror. Anyway, he says they were brought together by necessity, and says “in the good book it says when the new world order is put in place, it signals the beginning of the end of time”. Does it? If that’s a quote from the bible that’s pretty badass. 

Gene makes a “cut” gesture for some reason. Odd.

Anderson says “there’s one rule of gang fighting, they send one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue”. Holy shit. Anderson literally advocating the death of one of the three nWo members. Probably a bit much. 

We go to Chris Benoit, who says last week people thought they were about to see the Crippler break down, distraught, but they were actually seeing fury and hatred. No, it was definitely more sadness and tears. Mongo yells that the Horsemen are coming after the Outsiders.

Finally, we get to Flair. He just yells for Hogan to “watch this” and jumps out of the ring to keep beating on the Booty Man. He gets back into the ring and says “Hogan you crossed the line, pal, and now, wherever you are, you’re going to pay the price”. 

If the Horsemen had been kept strong, a proper feud between them and the nWo could have been fucking awesome. Spoiler alert, this is not the direction WCW goes. 

We now get a recap of what happened last week. Probably would have been better to show this at the beginning of the show rather than 3/4 through, but OK.

Tony now has a change of heart and says the Horsemen’s actions were “justifiable”. Were they? You were calling Flair a “sick man” literally ten minutes ago, Tony. The Horsemen were also beating up the “Booty Man” who, yes, has a shitty gimmick and is a friend of Hogan, but still... at this point hasn’t done anything to the Horsemen. Larry says that if Hogan shaved the rest of his head there would be “three 6′s” on the back and all that’s waiting for him is “the lake of fire”. WCW is going in strong on bible references this week. Also it would be pretty hilarious if Hulk had somehow managed to get “666″ tattooed on the back of his head underneath his hair.

Nash mocks Luger’s flexing whilst Hogan is on his knees. OK. 

Hogan says Sting “used to do this, remember?” - he literally did it on this show, Hulk, so it’s not historic yet. Hall says they should join Ted Turner’s Atlanta Braves because they know how to swing a bat. Probably need a bit more than that to be a genuine baseball player. Hogan says he’ll beat the Giant on August 10th, and says August 11th is his birthday. Hall and Nash sing happy birthday. Then Hogan says “Giant, fe fi fo fum, how could you be so dumb, brother”. Hall says “it’s only business” and “it’s nothing personal”. Nash says soon Sting and Luger will be out of a job, then Hogan says “it’s the new...” and the video suddenly pauses and cuts out. We’re back at the broadcast table and the blonde woman scrambles out of shot.

Tony and Larry look baffled

A voice from somewhere says Sting and Luger have asked for the tape to be stopped. Tony says “alright Craig” and we can still here people talking in the production truck. 

Sting and Luger are making it clear they don’t want the tape played any more. Lex still hasn’t put any clothes on. Check out those two white telephones beside Lex. So 90s.

Sting is basically asking why they’re playing these nWo tapes. A fair point. He accuses “Craig” of doing it for the money. What money? Sting wonders where the “nWo” is on Craig’s shirt, and then says they’re going to hang out in the production truck for a while. If so then Lex should really put a shirt on. Don’t they have a match coming up? Anyhow, they go to get some mountain dew and then we’re back at ringside.

Tony tries to defend the production guys by saying “it was a paid announcement by the nWo”. Maybe so, but why would WCW accept their money or agree to air the tape in the first place? Couldn’t they just say no? Granted, WCW doesn’t even appear to be able to pay for proper security so maybe they really need the money, but Ted Turner is supposed to be a billionaire, so... 

Well, whatever. Out next is Sgt. Craig Pittman with Teddy Long.

He’s got a world title match against the Giant. So if Pittman is ahead of Flair in the pecking order (how?) I guess that makes Flair #4 contender. Long must be one hell of a manager to get this guy a world title match. On the other hand, what did John Tenta or Greg Valentine do to earn a world title shot? These opponents just seem to be picked out of a hat. 

Hands up who thinks this is going to last longer than three minutes? Nobody? OK. There’s a Hog Wild advert before the match starts, where the voiceover states it’s the nWo’s “final attack”. Not even close. 

The Giant Vs Sgt. Craig Pittman

Pittman gets in no offence. At one point the Giant slams his butt into Pittman whilst he’s in the corner. 

A whole new meaning to the phrase “getting bummed”.

Larry claims that WCW will have wrestlers around ringside all the time now, and the nWo will basically never be able to sneak attack again. How stupid that statement will look going forward. I mean, I can’t blame Larry here, logically that would be the best thing but... WCW.

Pittman leaps and rams his head into the Giant’s sternum a few times.

Like a fish flopping into a brick wall. Literally no affect whatsoever.

It’s over. Check out the ref, he’s fucking horrified.

The Giant defeats Sgt. Craig Pittman via pinfall.

Giant goes to chokeslam sarge again, but Teddy Long gets into the ring and yells that Giant is GOING ONE ON ONE WITH THE UNDERTAKER, PLAYER.

He eats a chokeslam. Holla.

Okerlund is in the ring. He’s unhappy that Giant chokeslammed Teddy Long, who he calls “just a guy off the street”. That’s a bit dismissive. 

Jimmy Hart says that Hogan has always been told what he wants to hear, except when Jimmy Hart was his manager. Jimmy says that he always told Hogan the truth, but Hogan didn’t want to listen. Considering Hart literally said last week that he lies so much he doesn’t know what the truth is anymore, I would take this with a heavy pinch of salt. 

The limo is back. You’d think they might set up security to stop it from coming in, but no, instead security guides it in. Useless yellow shirts.

Giant says that what he did tonight was “a message to the world”, he says he never said he was a nice guy, he never tried to be a role model, his only job was being world champion and that’s all he’s wanted since he was a kid. Giant says Hogan has talked his trash, but Hogan’s “fifteen minutes are up”. Giant dares him to show up at Sturgis. If Hogan only had fifteen minutes, they were the longest fifteen minutes in history.

We get another Glacier promo, the same one as before, because showing it once obviously isn’t enough. 

Next they show clips of what I believe is Sting (with Macho Man) Vs Brian Knobbs (with Jerry Saggs) from WCW Saturday Night. Sting gets hit in the torso by a metal briefcase that Savage is carrying around (he apparently took it from Mongo), and Dusty Rhodes on commentary says Sting got hit “right in the belly welly”. McMichael and Debra steal the briefcase back. 

“It’s nasty time baby” yells Brian Knobbs as he and Saggs come out. You ain’t kidding. 

HE’S A MAN CALLED STING!

Pyro for Sting and Lex, who come out laughing and joking with each other. They’ve been pretty relaxed all evening, considering the supposed tension across the WCW locker room. The production crew should play the rest of the nWo advert now just out of spite.

Scott and Rick Steiner make their way out to ringside, assumedly as protection for Sting and Luger. 

Sting & Lex Luger Vs the Nasty Boys

I can’t watch much of any match with the Nasty Boys in, so let’s move forward with this one.

Luger and Saggs are outside the ring. Saggs goes to clothesline Luger but clobbers Rick Steiner instead.

Rick was inexplicably facing in the opposite direction. Ruh roh. Rick is angry and decks Saggs. The ref I guess doesn’t see it as he doesn’t call for the bell. Luger rolls Saggs in and Sting applies the Scorpion Deathlock.

For the record, Luger is the legal man here, but the referee doesn’t give a shit. He’s incompetent and just wants the match to be over. I don’t blame him. Saggs taps, the ref calls for the bell.

Sting & Lex Luger defeat the Nasty Boys via submission.

Okerlund is back in the ring again. After being mostly absent last week, Gene’s been back with a vengeance this week. For some reason two kids are in the ring posing with Sting and Lex.

The Outsiders would get some awesome heel heat if they came in and wrecked those kids with baseball bats, but that’s probably not going to happen.

Sting asks Gene if there’s another limosuine, Gene says yes, and Luger says “again?” ... yeah, again. You’d think they’d just ban limos from entering the arena by this point but this is the same company that plays nWo announcements as long as a bit of money is chucked their way, and also can’t afford to pay for real security, so, yeah.

Sting and Luger decide to go to the limo and see if anybody is there this time. Gene excitedly yells “I wanna go along!” and bails out of the ring, running after Sting and Luger. Because of course Gene wants to be right in the thick of it. If shit goes down he wants a front row seat.

Tony suddenly announces “we’re out of time”, then says “we have a little more time”. Make up your mind. 

Sting opens the door, jumps back as if he just saw somebody taking a shit, then the doors closes and locks.

The limo drives away. We’re out of time, but we see Sting was chucked a bag with a Turner logo on it.

We get an “after show exclusive” which I assume is WWE Network specific. Cool. Sting opens the bag and this is inside...

It says “Rey was right. There are four guys... or are there five? See ya in Sturgis!”

Well, if Rey was right then yes, there’s four. If there’s five he was wrong. Stupid ambiguous letter. Not sure why they needed a bag to deliver this, an envelope would probably have sufficed. Not sure why they needed a limo to deliver flowers and a letter, either. I guess the nWo just loves throwing money away. We end with Sting saying “which way are we going? This way?” as he and Luger wander off, largely unaffected by the letter’s brief contents. 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 29/07/1996

 Here we go boys and girls...

You know, I just realised I have no idea what that “Q” shape in the top right hand corner actually means. To Google! 

OK well, I had a brief check and I still don’t know. Answers on a postcard. 

Something else I just noticed...

Hogan’s screaming face right next to a building that says “prescriptions”... I don’t think I need to comment any further.

“WCW Monday Nitro ignites once again!” screams Tony Schiavone as we get a high shot of the WCW set at Universal.

The magic kingdom has never been more magical.

As always we are welcomed by Mr Schiavone and “Living Legend” Larry Zbyszko. They’re both wearing Mickey Mouse shirts which is somewhat appropriate. Larry doesn’t look best pleased about it.

Tony informs us that there are two title matches tonight. The Giant will be defending his World Heavyweight title against Arn Anderson, whilst Rey Mysterio Jr will be defending his cruisweight title against Eddie Guerrero. I’m guessing one of those matches is going to be far more entertaining than the other. Tony also hypes the American Males Vs the Steiner Brothers, but... meh. The American Males suck. 

Tony brings up that WCW has recently been under attack from the New World Order. Larry refers to them as the “new world odor”. Very clever, Larry. Zbszko says the nWo are in control and picking their spots. Really they’re just being allowed to do pretty much whatever they want. WCW could have these guys thrown out in their asses for all sorts of shit, but nope. Nobody ever questions why.

We go to footage that Tony says was sent to them (not established by who) of Hall and Nash standing outside some kind of building looking a little bit high.

Next up we see footage of Luger and Sting coming out the back of some arena. Apparently this is a WCW Saturday Night taping. I assume the Outsiders filmed this footage or had somebody film it for them, as you can hear them saying mostly unintelligible shit in the background. Luger gets called away, leaving Sting by himself. 

At this point the Outsiders attack Sting from behind, shove him half way into the boot of a car and slam the door onto his back. They then beat Sting up some more before running off. This is all being filmed. Larry and Tony express minor disgust, as if they aren’t literally watching a guy getting the shit beaten out of him on tape, and say it’ll be dealt with at the Hog Wild PPV. 

Obviously another way to deal with it would be to, I don’t know, send this tape to the police? A blatant, pre-meditated assault filmed in its entirety before and after. You aren’t going to get much more clear-cut evidence. But, y’know, wrestling.

Tony calmly states that Sting is OK and suffered “minor injuries”. Well, that’s fine then. 

Some vaguely old school Western movie music plays and out comes the former Mauler, Mike Enos, aka one half of the worst named team in the world, “Rough ‘n’ Ready”. I think he was Ready.

His opponent is the ultra patriotic numbskull Jim Duggan. “Not Hacksaw” sighs Larry, and I’m with you living legend. Why? Why?

Mike “Ready” Enos Vs “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan

What a way to start the show. And yes, that was heavy, heavy sarcasm. For fuck’s sake. Couldn’t we have started with Rey Vs Eddie? Maybe just not had this match at all?

There are some contrasting emotions in the crowd as Hacksaw comes out...

The guy on the right seems happy to see Duggan. The guy on the left looks like me when I realised who was coming out. Come to think of it, I think that guy on the right was the dude aggressively booing Konnan last time. Loves ultra patriotic Jim Duggan, hates Mexican konnan to the point where it looked like his head was about to explode... pretty sure this guy is now a Trump supporter. I’ve just dated this blog, but for reference we’re in 2018, so that’s a relevant thought for at least another few years.

The crowd start chanting “USA” straight away. I think they’re both from the States so it’s not a chant that favours either man. Hacksaw is instantly furious, for some reason, and wants to start beating up Enos before the bell event rings.

The ref is like “bro, bro... calm down. We’re at Disneyworld.”

Duggan clotheslines Enos over the top rope after about a minute. Remember how last week Norton got disqualified for doing the exact same thing to Dave Taylor? No such luck here. Damn it.

I notice Enos has “Rough and Ready” on the back of his sleeveless jacket..

.What’s the snake meant to represent? Are snakes known for being rough or ready?

Enos and Hacksaw give each other some pretty nasty looking headbutts...

What’s funny is that Enos’s headbutt was more of a leaning his head in and pushing, whereas Hacksaw just went charging in there and smashed their heads together. Looked brutal. Also Hacksaw is fucking thick. And I don’t mean “thicc”, I just mean thick. Stout. Rotund.

Larry repeats his “new world odor” phrase for about the fifth time already. It’s not that original or funny Larry, give it a rest.

Look how empty the front row is. Where the hell is everybody? Normally that front row is full, and usually with really strange people too. I wonder if the black guy in the bottom left still has his “hulkster” shirt, or whether that’s now been disposed of...

Enos is putting on this really shitty looking chinlock.

It doesn’t look remotely painful. He’s literally just cupping Hacksaw’s chin in his hands. I mean, to go from those brutal headbutts to this is silly. This goes on forever. Even Larry basically says the chinlock is bullshit and not being applied properly.

This match has been going on for about 6 minutes and Duggan looks like he’s run a marathon.  

Duggan comes off the ropes and goes for a roll up...

Did not want or need to see Enos’s arse crack, thanks. Sometimes I wonder if WCW understand their audience is predominantly heterosexual males. I mean, between this and that baywatch-esque clip from a few shows ago with Jim “Jobber” Powers, Alex Wright, etc stripping off their clothes in slow motion... I’m starting to wonder.

Tony actually calls attention to the four empty seats in the front row and wonders whether they’re for the new world order. I suppose it’s possible, and I can’t blame them for deciding against watching this classic.

Match ends when Enos is arguing with the ref, allowing Duggan to tape up his fist and crack Enos over the head.

Check out the black guy in the upper right. He’s loving this way more than I am.

“Hacksaw” Jim Duggan defeats Mike “Ready” Enos via Pinfall.

Expert shit-stirrer Mean Gene is in the ring to interview Duggan. 

Poor Hacksaw looks like he’s ready to go to bed.

Okerlund asks Hacksaw for his opinion on the nWo. Not sure why anybody would be particularly interested in what Duggan has to say on the subject, but whatever. Hacksaw gets unusually serious as he asks people to listen. 

Hacksaw asks “Hulk, what have you done?” 

He reminds Hogan about the kids who look up to him, and brings up going with Hogan to the make-a-wish and special olympic events. Duggan asks why Hogan would turn his back on everything he loved, and everyone that loved him. Duggan says Hogan has held his children, and the first word his oldest child said was “hulkster”. That’s not weird at all. Duggan says “Hulkster, you’re a great technical wrestler” - lol - “but I don’t want to wrestle ya, I wanna beat ya up”. Broadly the same thing but OK. Gene says, referring to Hogan, “if you put a good apple into a basket of bad apples... enough said”. I guess so.

Hacksaw’s promo here was actually pretty good. He conveyed his emotions well, and his facial expressions really sold what he was saying as genuine. Just a shame I had to watch a match with him involved first.

We see footage of Arn creepily peering into a random limo last week...

Totally normal behaviour.

WCW loves showing this shot of Mickey. Maybe they were contractually obliged to do it.

Ric Flair’s music hits, and out come three of the four horsemen, plus the ladies.

As of yet no explanation has been given for Flair’s no-show last week. The horsemen don’t seem overly bothered by it though. 

Sting’s theme music hits, and out come the Stinger, Lex Luger, and the Macho Man.

I’ll admit to having a bit of a soft spot for the “Man Called Sting” theme song. I actually like a lot of those older WCW songs - Man Called Sting, Steinerized, American Made... I have an eclectic taste in music. Don’t judge me.

Tony repeats that Sting only suffered “minor injuries” after being attacked and he thinks the Outsiders were “just trying to send a message”. Uh, no. If they were sending a message they maybe would have shoved him over, or yelled some threats, or something else vaguely threatening. The pair of them quite literally punched Sting repeatedly and slammed a car boot against his back. I love how the commentators don’t see this as anything major. Just another day in the crazy world of wrestling. Larry calls it “a game of chess”. Most people would call it criminal assault.

Well anyway, these guys waste no time, a brawl starts...

And the match is on.

Ric Flair, Steve McMichael & Chris Benoit Vs Sting, Lex Luger & Macho Man

The match starts with mostly brawling outside of the ring. Sting and Flair are in the ring fighting for about twenty seconds but they’re soon out on the floor as well. We have to go to a break, and during that break we see...

Remember how I noted the dates had been dropping from the “coming soon” part of Glacier’s promo? Now even COMING SOON has gone. Maybe eventually it won’t even show “GLACIER” any more, it’ll just be the symbol in the background. Then a black screen. Then maybe it’ll just become a Mortal Kombat advert. Would have been a better idea than what eventually happened, but let’s forget about BLOOD RUNS COLD for now.  

We come back and the bell sounds. Things are finally under control.

We start off with Sting and Benoit. Sting takes charge and Benoit rolls over towards Flair and Mongo. Flair holds out his hand for a tag...

And comes in. Sting is going to tag Macho in but Flair knocks Macho off the apron before Sting can make a tag. Soon Flair and Savage are fighting on the floor, near that stupid unnecessary VIP table. The ridiculous candlestick in the middle gets knocked over...

Good. Although they’re lucky it wasn’t lit, or that shit could have ended up on fire. Meanwhile Savage picks up the bowl of fruit and dumps it onto Flair. 

Fruit all over the floor. What a waste.

Flair runs back into the ring but immediately eats a press slam from Sting.

As you can see, the crowd are loving it.

Macho gets tagged in, which leads Flair to drop to the outside and plant a kiss on Miss Elizabeth. This angers Macho who runs over, but gets caught out and double-teamed by Flair and Mongo. The advantage doesn’t last for long though, and soon Savage is back on top. Annoyed by how useless he is at fighting, Flair walks off.

Bye, then.

For some reason Flair stops walking away, sees Savage coming after him and just drops to his knees begging off. This never works and I don’t know why he didn’t just start running. Schaivone says Flair was trying to hide, but if so that was a pretty shitty place to try and hide. Savage throws Flair into the metal bleachers. As he leads Flair back to the ring, I’m sure I hear someone in the crowd say “Macho, put some cheese on it”. What? He might have said “Nacho” instead, so I guess that is kind of a burn, but... not really. I suppose it’s possible he was advising a friend how to best serve nachos, very loudly, and just happened to get picked up on camera. You gotta put cheese on nachos, no doubt.  

Next up Mongo and Luger are tagged in. Oh joy. The fans chant “Luger”. Say what you want about Lex, but until mid-1998 or so he was consistently over with WCW fans.

As Larry is talking about Mongo having “great teachers” in Flair and Anderson, Mongo completely botches running into the ropes and somehow falls through them.

Look at the faces on Lex, Benoit and Flair. W T Fuck? Mongo - unable to run the fucking ropes without botching, but still a member of the Four Horsemen. Both hilarious and tragic. The announcers cover for this by saying that Luger threw Mongo out of the ring through sheer strength. It’s not a bad save in fairness.

Thankfully Mongo tags back out to Flair, who is able to run the ropes without falling outside the ring. He just gets beaten up again though. Flair is just the worst fighter. He so rarely gets in any offence. Benoit comes in and kicks the shit out of Luger. Savage comes in and takes Benoit down, even though he isn’t the legal man. 

Tony mentions that the Dungeon of Doom have “literally” put a bounty on Benoit’s head. I assume that’s just to beat him in a wrestling match, not actually kill him, but it’s the Dungeon of Doom so... who fucking knows. It might be to shave Benoit’s entire body. According to the Giant that’s what the Dungeon like doing.

Flair takes a brutal superplex from Sting. 

That image is a second or so after they landed. Some serious impact. They both literally bounce up like they’re on a trampoline. Mongo is then tagged in again - uh oh spagettios. He basically clotheslines Sting in the corner, executes a tame looking backbreaker, and tags back out to Benoit. Good idea.

Eventually it’s back to Flair and Sting. Slick Ric puts Sting in the Figure Four.

Sting isn’t really selling it much. He looks mildly inconvenienced. Flair starts slapping Sting in the face.

This just annoys Sting, who ends up reversing the Figure Four. Flair tries locking it in again but Sting counters into a rollup.

Flair kicks out and tags in Benoit. The Crippler attacks Sting’s leg and hits him with a snap suplex. Sting kicks out at two. Benoit then puts Sting in a nasty looking Lion Tamer.

He struggles to get full extension on it due to the height difference but it still looks uncomfortable to say the least. 

Luger comes in and breaks the submission up. Benoit tags Flair back in. 

Suddenly Jimmy Hart comes running out, yelling at the cameraman that “we need help” and for him to “come to the back”. 

What good is a cameraman going to do if you need help? 

Drunk?

Well, regardless, the cameraman decides to listen to this lunatic and starts running towards the backstage area. Hart gets up on the apron and tries to get everybody’s attention.

Hilariously the wrestlers just totally ignore him, even though he’s going berserk on the apron. 

Hart finally gets Luger’s attention and yells at him that they need to get to the back.

Who’s on the bottom of Jimmy’s insane tie by the way? I want that tie.

We cut to the back where the cameraman has assumedly ended up, and we see Arn Anderson is down. Hall and Nash are hanging around with baseball bats.

Not sure what that stain is down by Arn’s foot. Not sure I want to know.

I love how these two are just smashing the shit out of people with baseball bats, and still... no thought to call the police. I feel like at this point these two could literally cave somebody’s head in with those bats, murder them live on TV, and Tony would say they’re “sending a message”, Larry would say it’s a “game of chess” - where you smash the fuck out of your opponent’s pieces, apparently - and they’d try to settle it at a PPV. 

Anyhow, the other guy laying on the ground is Marcus Bagwell. 

His tag team partner Scotty Riggs comes out and turns his back to the Outsiders, oblivious to the fact they are obviously the cause of his partner’s injury. What a dunce. He’s also standing like he’s got rickets. 

Hall cracks him over the head with something like light rigging. The camera turns...

And we see Rey Mysterio is standing on the rails here like it’s a turnbuckle. He tries a flying cross body onto Nash, but the big man catches Rey like he’s a small child, aims him towards the trailer and...

Tosses him into the side of it like a lawn dart. One of the more iconic moments of the original nWo invasion, one that everybody remembers. It looked like a rough bump to take, but kudos to Rey for taking it.

The Outsiders get back into their limo just as the Macho Man arrives. Savage dives on top of the limo and reaches through the sunroof as it starts to drive off...

This won’t end well. 

The limo literally drives off with Savage riding on top. Nice knowing you, Macho.

As Savage rides off into the night atop of the Outsiders’ limousine, the backstage area is now filled with wrestlers and yellow shirt security. Just where the fuck were these fuckers when the Outsiders were beating the shit out of people? Obviously the wrestlers in the ring had a reason not to be there, but what were these security people doing? It’s a bit late to be out there now, assholes.

We come back from a break and Woman is cradling Arn like he’s about to die.

Liz and her boobs are there too.

A fire truck arrives. What incompetent idiot called for a fucking fire truck? You have three choices and the only wrong choice would be to call a fire truck. Yet here we are. What are the firemen going to do, hose everybody down? 

Rey is on the ground, holding his head and yelling that “there were four”. Well, unless he’s counting the baseball bats as members of the nWo there were definitely only two. I suppose you could count three if you include the limo driver, but the assumption is that he was just a random dude hired to drive, rather than an nWo member.

An ambulance turns up. That’s more like it. 

I’ve just realised this fucks the rest of the card. Eddie Vs Rey ain’t happening now, neither is American Males Vs the Steiners or Anderson Vs the Giant. Why do I get the feeling the replacements in these matches are going to be a significant downgrade?

Mysterio is having a neck brace put on, and during this time Alex Wright is yelling “Hey Rey! What do you mean by four? What do you mean by four?” ... dude, the guy just got thrown head first into the side of a fucking trailer. Screaming questions at him probably isn’t the best thing to do right now. The medics take Rey’s mask off to treat him. Tony acts shocked by this and says that in Mexico masked wrestlers never take their masks off. Of course, in Mexico they probably aren’t propelled head first into trailers either, so, you know. Hard to treat a head injury when the entire skull is covered by a mask, Tony. 

 Benoit appears to be crying over Arn’s condition. 

Eddie wants to go to the hospital with Rey, but Alex Wright reminds Eddie he’s got a match, and he’ll go instead. The match was with Mysterio so actually Eddie doesn’t have a match anymore, but whatever. If I was Rey I wouldn’t want some German guy sitting next to me yelling “WHAT DO YOU MEAN FOUR?” over and over but the ambulance crew evidently don’t see a problem with it. 

Benoit is still on the verge of tears. He looks like a little boy who’s just seen a dog get run over. Larry says “I know how much Benoit looks up to Arn. This is disheartening”. Disheartening? Is that the best word you can come up with, Larry? Disheartening would be if Arn forgot a conversation they’d had last week. The guy just got attacked and apparently severely injured by two big guys with baseball bats and all you can say is it’s “disheartening”? Jeez.

For some reason Benoit starts getting into it with Meng...

Good thing those ambulances are there. Benoit’s going to need one as well if he starts on Meng.

We go back to Tony and Larry who look a little lost. How boring must this be for the fans out there? As far as I’m aware there’s no screen anywhere showing them what’s happening out the back, so they’re just sitting there looking at an empty ring. I appreciate the tickets were free, but still... 

We go to a break, and when we come back there’s still nothing of note happening. 

Bischoff and Heenan (wearing the same shirt as Zybszko) have arrived, but Tony and Larry haven’e gone anywhere yet. I’m surprised the crowd are still hanging around to be honest. It’s surely been at least twenty minutes for them now.

Heenan says he’s not going to do the broadcast tonight unless he can be guaranteed he won’t be physically hurt. Probably a conversation that should have happened off-air, but whatever. Bischoff says he can’t give Heenan any promises and he should do whatever he feels he has to do. So Bobby leaves. 

Tony says “the wheels are falling off here”. Bischoff says that “fortunately” the fans in attendance can’t see what happened or is happening in the back. Yeah, Eric, I’m sure they would much prefer to stand around staring at an empty ring for half an hour. What a fun time.

A funny thing to note whilst this shit continues to go down - apparently during this incident somebody legitimately did call the emergency services as they thought a gang fight had broken out. At Disneyworld. I’d like to know which gang has claimed the Disney/MGM studios as their turf. Going around spraying Mickey Mouse graffiti everywhere. You don’t fuck with the DisneyWorld Baseball Bat Crew.

Understandably, there’s a loud “BORING” chant from the crowd. Eric says the crowd are “anxious”, Tony points out more astutely that it’s because they’re not seeing what’s going on backstage and nothing is happening in the ring. Of course they’re fucking bored. This is a really cool angle on TV, don’t get me wrong, but those poor fuckers in the crowd are being screwed over big time.

An “nWo” chant breaks out. We see Arn Anderson getting loaded into the ambulance. Bagwell is then loaded into the same ambulance. Sting is holding one of the baseball bats that the Outsiders used. Bischoff calls it “evidence”. Should probably be handing that over to the police, although it only appears that an ambulance and fire truck have shown up. It’s almost like in the world of WCW police simply don’t exist. They’re never mentioned and never seen. The best we get are security guards who are absolutely useless. Remember a few Nitros ago when it took about a hundred security guards to get Hall and Nash out of the arena, and half an hour later the Outsiders were still backstage fucking shit up? WCW hires terrible security and has no understanding of how to file a charge with the police. No wonder Heenan ran off.

Fireworks inappropriately go off behind the WCW sign as we go into a commercial break. That’s the most exciting thing that crowd has seen in about half an hour or so. 

It looks like High Voltage are replacing the American Males.

They’re both yelling stuff that makes no sense.

These kids have become so bored that they’re screaming in excitement for High Voltage of all teams. 

“Here’s a story of two brothers, Rick and Scott...”

Scott’s gigantic arms are covered by his Michigan jersey. The Steiners come out looking quite subdued, with Rick constantly looking behind him. The Outsiders drove off in a limo with Macho Man on top, guys, I think you’re OK. Macho hopefully isn’t laying splattered on a pavement somewhere. Nobody really seems bothered that they saw Savage hanging onto a moving vehicle as it drove away. 

Even though Rick is clearly bothered by what’s happened, he’s still barking. But it’s kind of a sad, tentative bark. You could argue that he shouldn’t be barking at all, but, that’s another story. A lot of things happen in WCW that make no sense.

The Steiner Brothers Vs High Voltage

Scott Steiner starts off dominating Chaos. Fireworks are still going off. Rick Steiner is still totally distracted and won’t get up on the ring apron.

Scott is starting to get pissed off. 

Rick gets tagged in. He barks a few times, then turns away from Chaos and starts pointing towards the empty entranceway. Chaos takes advantage and hammers Rick with a few punches. Rage gets tagged in, and he and Chaos hit a double drop kick on Rick Steiner. Fireworks are STILL going off behind the WCW sign. I have to assume WCW has no control over this.

Rage hits Rick with a flying shoulder block from the top turnbuckle. Rick kicks out at two. The crowd bark in unison to try and lift Rick Steiner.

Chaos goes up to the top turnbuckle, and I think Rick is supposed to reverse Chaos’ jump into a powerslam, but Rick instead just kind of ignores Chaos and does a half-hearted slam motion as Chaos flips over him and crashes to the mat. Made Chaos look like a total chode.

Scotty gets tagged back in and hits Rage with an underarm suplex. For some reason Scotty tags Rick straight back in. Questionable decision considering Rick seems to be struggling to focus unless the crowd is barking “woof woof woof” at him.

Well anyhow, Rick tags Scotty back in after hitting a few moves on Rage and knocking Chaos off the apron. Scott picks Rage up in a Falcon Arrow type position, holds him there for a few moments...

Then drops him right on his head.

It’s basically the Falcon Arrow but way more hardcore. 

Scott gets the three count and this one is over. Low Voltage.

The Steiner Brothers defeat High Voltage via Pinfall.

The crowd are very happy with this outcome. Two guys in the front row exchange a double high five. I guess they wouldn’t mind getting Steinerized.

Yeah... sorry. Anyway.

We’re back to the broadcast position and Bischoff calls it “A heck of a broadcast so far”. Yep. As long as you aren���t in the crowd it’s been a fairly good show.

Tony and Larry look like they’ve just been told Christmas is cancelled. Cheer up guys. Bischoff says “half of WCW have left in ambulances”, which is a pretty significant exaggeration. Bagwell, Riggs, Rey and Arn. That’s four. So unless WCW only has an official roster of eight people I think we can say that an estimate of half is wildly out. I suppose you can count Alex Wright, Sting and Flair as well, since they hopped into the ambulances too, but still.  

I think Tony and Larry are supposed to be looking upset/irritated, but Tony just looks fucking depressed and Larry looks like a kid who’s just been given a time out. Eric says the Outsiders will go “wherever there isn’t security, wherever the weakness of WCW is. That’s where they’ll be”. Well, to review, they’ve come through the crowd and into the ring without being stopped. They’ve ended up at the broadcast booth multiple times without being stopped. They’ve been able to commandeer a live microphone and talk trash multiple times without being stopped. They’ve draped banners over the WCW logo without being stopped. They’ve broken into the production truck and fucked around with the broadcast without being stopped. They’ve powerbombed Bischoff off a stage on PPV without being stopped. They’ve attacked Sting after a Saturday Night taping without being stopped. And they’ve just beaten up multiple people with baseball bats without being stopped. So, yeah, WCW’s weaknesses are basically everything and I’m not convinced they even hire genuine security. If they do then they should probably look at hiring another company.

Oh, here comes Rey’s replacement.

You’ve got to be kidding. How is Big Bubba an appropriate replacement for Rey Mysterio? He weighs about five times as much as Rey and has about a fifth of Rey’s ability in the ring. The name graphic makes it look like Jimmy Hart is “Big Bubba”, which did make me chuckle.

Out comes Eddie.

Eddie Guerrero Vs Big Bubba

This match goes on for a while. I’m skipping towards the end because who cares about any match involving Big Bubba?

I skip ahead and get this visual.

Imagine waking up with that hovering over your face. Terrifying. He mumbles “Big Bubba Rogers” but I can’t make anything else out. 

Match ends when Jimmy Hart attempts to throw Bubba his megaphone to use as a weapon. 

Hart also hugs the referee. 

Bubba lets go o the megaphone, which goes flying into the air, as Eddie grabs him in a rollup. Eddie gets the three, and that’s that. 

Eddie Guerrero defeats Big Bubba via Pinfall. 

We come back from the break to “the following announcement has been paid for by the New World Order”.

Cool. I think this is the first time we’ve had one of these on Nitro. The Outsiders and Hogan are in some kind of studio. The camera cuts randomly between them as the nWo music plays in the background. The video begins like a computer game struggling with inconsistent framerate. 

Hogan says “it’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it”. Nash says “people wonder who’s gonna be next? Don’t call us, we’ll call you”. “Yeah,” says Hall. “It’s invitation only, chicos”. 

We get a shot of the three nWo members, whilst video highlights of Hogan play behind them. Hogan says there’s a new world order, and he hopes that’s okay, because there’s nothing anyone can do about it. Nash lists “power, fame, money, and now our own corporation” as the positives. Hall says “think about it, nWo, we’re new, we’re taking over World Championship Wrestling, and we’re giving all the orders”. Not sure the nWo name really needed an explanation, but OK, sure. Hogan yells “it’s the new way, is that OK, billionaire Ted?” ... not sure if he intended to rhyme or not. Hogan quotes humpty dumpty be saying all of Ted Turner’s horses and all of his men won’t be able to put WCW back together again. That’s the second promo in recent times that’s referenced humpty dumpty. First the Giant, now Hogan. Coincidence, I guess? Or the WCW locker room really loves that nursery rhyme.

Hall starts talking about who the fourth or fifth member of the nWo is going to be, and Hogan starts laughing really loudly. A typical evil villain type laugh which kind of throws Hall for a second.

Nash is trying not to laugh at Hogan’s cartoon-villain cackle. Hall says that Sting and Luger have gotten soft at “billionaire Ted’s country club”. He says that he and Nash have had to claw and scratch for everything they’ve got, and that they want Sting and Luger. In the ring, I assume/hope. 

Hogan says he almost forgot that he’s wrestling the Giant at Hog Wild for the world title. Liar. He says that he finds it ironic that WCW could be so weak to have to beg for the Giant to save them from the nWo. Hogan says on August 10th the Outsiders will become the Insiders, and with 500,000 “vroom-baa Harley Davidsons” by their side the nWo “will establish itself as the greatest wrestling organisation on the Earth, brother”. 

OK. The nWo is not exactly a wrestling organisation. It’s just a faction with three dudes in it. Later on you could argue it’s more of an organisation, but right now? No. 

Hall calls Sting a “painted face punk” and says “don’t sing it, bring it.” Nash says they call it “Armageddon” and that “Genesis has begun. It’s the beginning of the new world order”. Didn’t expect a shout out to the bible in here but there you go. Hogan finishes the promo by saying that as the Outsiders take care of the “top talent” in WCW, the Giant will crumble at his feet.

It’s amusing how in these promos Hogan is still basically in Hulk promo mode, yelling, hollering and using big words that don’t necessarily mean what he thinks they mean. Hall and Nash have much calmer, cooler delivery which contrasts quite sharply to Hogan’s more 80′s approach. They pull it together well by editing a lot of Hogan’s stuff to make it more succinct and to the point.

Eric Bischoff has left the broadcast position, leaving Tony and Larry to handle the last fifteen minutes or so of the broadcast. They recap events from earlier in the night. The crowd have had another long wait, between the end of the last match, the nWo promo which none of them would have seen, and now this recap of events earlier in the night that they’re also not seeing. Oh, and they had to sit through long matches involving Jim Duggan, Mike Enos and Big Bubba. I know they got into this show for free, but they still deserve a refund. 

Still, we have the main event left. This is WCW’s chance to replace Arn Anderson with somebody exciting, somebody fresh, somebody who can get the crowd on their feet, somebody who...

Oh.

Greg Valentine.

Greg “charisma” Valentine.

I mean, if this was 1986 then this would have been a decent replacement, but it’s not. These poor fans. 

On the plus side this is unlikely to lost long.

The Giant Vs Greg “the hammer” Valentine

It’s for all the gold. The WCW world title looked so awesome. 

The Hammer manages to rock the Giant early on with a few chops to the chest and clotheslines. 

Doesn’t last long though. Giant knocks Valentine down, picks him up, smashes him across the back, then puts him into the corner and chokes him with his boot. Giant then throws Valentine across to the opposite turnbuckle, goes for some kind of weird splash/elbow but misses in a move very obviously telegraphed, yet somehow the cameramen miss it anyway. 

Valentine heads up top and hits a double axe handle. Giant is momentarily dizzy, but as Valentine scrambles up to the second turnbuckle to try another move, Giant drops the strap on his outfit, runs over and puts his hand around Valentine’s neck.

Uh oh.

Splat. Unsatisfied, Giant roars a few times then picks Valentine up and hits a second chokeslam.

Thanks for coming, Greg. Hey, I’ve just noticed, the dude in the middle on the left with the tash has definitely been at previous shows. So has the woman three to the right from him. I remember her dancing with her daughter to the Nasty Boys theme. The daughter doesn’t appear to be there this time. No Nasty Boys, no interest, I guess. I had no idea WCW had repeated customers for these shows, I always assumed it was just random park guests turning up.

As an aside, check out the guys on the bottom right. Either doing the most awkward wave ever or vicariously living through the Giant chokeslamming poor old Greg. 

The Giant defeats Greg “the hammer” Valentine via Pinfall.

Post-match, Giant leans into the camera and says “I want you to listen real close Hulk Hogan. Pay attention, and listen real close”. He then walks away. I assume he’s going to be interviewed?

Yes, indeed, Mean Gene is in the ring with the Giant. Haven’t seen much of Gene-o tonight. I kind of missed the shit-stirring bell.

Giant is either ripping a major fart or mocking Hogan’s poses. Hopefully the latter, although Jimmy Hart’s expression suggests it could be the former.

Gene asks Giant about Hog Wild. Giant continues mocking Hogan by saying “well you know something Mean Gene, I’ve been to the top of the mountain brother, I’ve walked through the valley of the shadow of death...” Gene pulls the mic away and asks if the Giant has lost his marbles. “That’s a knock off on Hogan!” - no shit, Gene. 

Giant laughs. He says Hogan “conned America”, because he didn’t believe the things he preached. Giant says Hogan started the nWo because he knew he couldn’t be “the big fish in WCW”. Giant says that whilst Hogan has been making movies, he’s been defending the title. Giant says if WCW doesn’t hang together, then they’ll all hang separately, and he’s got a chokeslam noose that’ll fit around Hogan’s neck.

For some reason Okerlund gives the mic to Jimmy Hart, who appears to have taken a shitload of High Voltage’s uppers. He’s all over the place, ranting about “living wrestling 24/7″ and says sometimes he lies so much he believes in his own lies. 

Hart says that one day he’ll have to pay for the things he’s done, but at Hog Wild, they’ll take Hogan out. Well... OK, then. Sounds like Jimmy is involved in some pretty shady shit.

Gene bids us goodnight from Orlando, and WCW decide to show the Outsiders beating the shit out of the WCW guys one more time. Because why not, I guess? They show a slow mo of Rey getting lawn darted into the trailer, and the show ends with a still shot of this as the Nitro music plays in the background.

Nice. I’m sure Rey appreciates that.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 22/07/1996

WCW opens this week with a shot of Mickey Mouse...

Because why not, I guess. As Tony welcomes us to the program we get a better image of the entrance area:

Probably should have opened with that instead of Mickey to be honest, but what do I know?

We’re treated to a shot on Tony and Larry Z with a VERY excited guy to their left.

That dude is ready for some WCW action. Going to be brutally honest and say neither of those shirts do Larry or Tony any favours.

Schaivone talks about the Olympic Games and Muhammad Ali lightning the torch at the opening ceremony. They then show video of Bishcoff giving a cheque to Ali at Halloween Havoc 1994, for a charity of some kind I assume.

Ali in his prime would have been 100% nWo, for the record. 

As Tony continues to go on about this, there are two ladies in the crowd looking very confused:

Like the cameraman is actually an alien or something.

They then switch to Shaq with Hogan, for some reason...

Again, from years ago. Not sure what relevance this has to the current program. Shaq looks like he’s just realised Jimmy Hart is squeezing his ass, though.

Tony says they will have an answer tonight from the Giant as to whether he’ll accept Hogan’s challenge for the Hog Wild PPV on August 10th. Larry says the Dungeon of Doom will force the Giant to defend his title against Hogan. Because you obviously can’t say no to Sullivan and those stupid, painted on eyebrows.

They show the Outsiders’ bedsheet stunt from last week (it’s amazing how much of the Outsiders they show on this program, considering they apparently don’t want them there).

Our first match begins 3 minutes and 30 seconds into the program. The Blue Bloods music is playing and I’m hoping it’s No Fucks Given Steven Regal, but unfortunately it’s just Squire Dave Taylor along with Jeeves. 

Tony says this is “the hottest ticket in Orlando”, which is funny as I’m not sure the people there actually paid for tickets. I could be wrong but I think they were just allowed in as general park guests.   

Next out is the eternally pissed off Scott Norton. The commentators tell us that Ice Train Vs Scott Norton has been signed for Hog Wild, on the basis of last week’s argument I guess.

 “Squire” Dave Taylor Vs Scott Norton

The Squire is the bad guy here, pretty much just because he isn’t American. The crowd chant “USA” at the start of the match to confirm Taylor is not welcome. This match consists largely of Taylor hitting about twenty european uppercuts whilst running into Norton a few times and falling over. Then this happens. 

Taylor is thrown over the top rope onto the floor. No big deal, right? WRONG. The ref calls for the fucking bell and disqualifies Norton. There is no crowd reaction whatsoever. This was a total waste of time for all involved.

“Squire” Dave Taylor defeats Scott Norton via Disqualification.

The pair of them brawl on the outside for a while as Tony and Larry finally catch up to the fact Norton has been disqualified, as if the bell ringing constantly wasn’t a big enough indicator. 

Norton carries Taylor on his back past the announce team, including the silent blonde woman, and they all duck to avoid being hit by Taylor’s boot or Norton’s girth. Taylor then just kind of falls off Norton’s back and rolls onto the floor. The referee declares Taylor the winner, and he’s very pleased with this. 

Wonderful. Jeez, have only 7 minutes of this show gone by so far?

IRS, aka VK Wallstreet, is cutting a pre-taped promo for his upcoming match against Konnan.

You’ve gotta love the dollar symbol on his jacket. Just to let you know he’s all about money.

Anyway, he tells Konnan that “VK Wallstreet knows international markets and knows international superstars”, he calls K-Dogg the “kingpin of Mexico” but that there’s going to be a “hostile takeover” and Konnan had better be ready. He says this with all the intensity of an infomercial about the benefits of herbal soap.

We come back and Mean Gene is with Arn Anderson, Mongo, Benoit, Debra, Woman and Liz.

They’ve set up that fucking VIP area again. WHY CANDLESTICKS? IT’S STILL LIGHT AND THEY AREN’T EVEN LIT. WHY A MASSIVE PINEAPPLE AND A BIG BOWL OF FRUIT? 

Well, at lest they’re using the area I suppose. Gene asks where Flair is. Anderson says it might be a question in Gene’s mind but it isn’t in any of theirs. He says Flair likes expensive cars and beautiful women, but that he likes one thing more than anything else. Gene says “he likes to showboat” and Arn continues “he likes to make an entrance”. I suppose that’s broadly the same thing. Arn says Flair will be here “right on cue” then takes a bite out of an apple. 

Doesn’t look very tasty.

Gene switches to Mongo and says he’s got his work cut out for him tonight. Mongo yells “OH! Thank you Mean Gene” and says it’s been his pleasure to “take care of a few pretty boys in the WCW” and now he gets a shot at the “real pretty boys” in Macho, Luger and Sting. One of those three fits that description a lot less than the others. Mongo is certainly happy though.

Okerlund suggests to Benoit that Sting, Luger and Macho Man might take out their frustrations regarding the nWo on the Horsemen tonight. Chris Benoit says the three of them will experience the crippler first hand, “unrelentless, vicious, merciless. Silent but violent”

Not sure what the fuck Arn is doing with his face here - did he bite into a sour part of the apple? - but for the record “unrelentless” isn’t a word. You could tell Benoit knew he’d fucked up as he paused briefly after saying it... but it was too late. 

Gene gets a bit too comfortable and asks Mongo for a banana. Mongo pretends to throw it at Gene, who reacts like Mongo is about to chuck a rock at him.

Arn is also holding up a banana. 

Our second match is set to begin. 

Why this guy is wrestling rather than checking the stock market or whatever else is beyond me. There’s an “IRS” chant as he comes out. 

Next out is Konnan looking... colourful.

I swear these guys both came out to the exact same generic, plodding instrumental rock song. Most people are cheering Konnan, but...

Check out the guy on the right. He is booing and giving the thumbs down to Konnan as aggressively as he possibly can. He looks fucking enraged. There is a sharp contrast in style between him and the three beside him. 

Konnan Vs VK Wallstreet

Larry says that Konnan wants the US title back because “he might not get back into the country without it”. It’s not a green card, Larry. 

There’s a fat kid in the front row entertaining himself by doing poses.

In fairness the match is nothing to get excited about. 

VK “IRS” Wallstreet dominates the match and spends the bulk of it working on Konnan’s leg. At one point Larry starts talking about putting women in their place again, but Tony shuts it down straight away. 

Fat kid and his mother or father (can’t really tell) are waving at the camera a lot. 

Well at least they’re having fun I guess. Dat Marvin the Martian t-shirt.

There’s a lot of rest holds in this one. Fairly sure I heard some “boring” chants. 

Match ends when Wallstreet hits Konnan with a samoan drop (which Tony calls the “Wall Street Crash” - geddit?) but then Konnan rolls him up for the pin and this one is over.

Konnan defeats VK Wallstreet via Pin.

Okerlund is back with Sting, Luger and the Macho Man.

Sting is half-hopping on one leg like he forgot to take a piss before he came out. 

Gene notes to Lex Luger that Flair isn’t here yet. Luger says Flair is “probably somewhere”. Yes, you’d hope so. Luger says that last week he got “stomped into a mudhole” (but wasn’t walked dry), “but where were (sic) everybody else? The Stinger and the Macho were in Japan”. He pauses for a moment, giving the camera a look...

Before repeating multiple times that they are here to make “a statement” - seriously, he says this about five times in the space of a minute. 

Sting says that there’s only one guy around here who rides around here in a “big fat limo” and he can “stick it” ... Gene’s face here is hilarious.

Um...

Anyway, Sting says he doesn’t care where Flair is, he just wants to chomp on a Horseman tonight. Alrighty. 

Gene says to Savage that he knows the Horsemen very well. Macho yells that he just wants to fight everybody and get it over with in one night. Oh, Macho, if only you knew.

Another Glacier promo airs. It’s funny because the original promos said “Glacier - coming July 1996″, then it changed to “Glacier - coming soon” and now it just says “Glacier”. From what I remember he debuted in September, so... yeah. Not sure what the delay was other than the realisation Glacier was a really shit concept... but I suppose after all the money spent on vignettes they felt they had to put him out there. We’ll get to that.

Tony says we’re about to see a “brand new 8-man tag”, as if that hasn’t been done before, then there’s a vignette on the participants. It starts with the four of them just... standing on some bridge, whilst generic rock music plays.

I think that’s “jobber” Jim Powers on the right, aloof from the group. He’s way too cool to be standing around with those dorks. Then Powers is walking towards us on the sand taking his shirt off, so we’re now essentially watching Baywatch...

He throws down the t-shirt aggressively, like he’s angry, but we don’t know what he’s angry about. Did he open the fridge and find that his last can of tuna had been eaten? Did he find his girlfriend cheating on him with another dude? Did another wrestler steal his “happy juice”? We’ll never know. I’ve just realised Powers is what would happen if you fused early 90′s Scott Steiner with Rhyno. 

Anyhow, we basically see the exact same shots of Joe Gomez, Alex Wright and the Renegade. Close ups of their faces followed by them walking towards us on the sand taking their shirts off whilst the same generic rock music plays. WCW does realise this show is watched largely by men, right? I mean, I’m sure some guys enjoyed that, but I can’t help but think the general demographic isn’t going to be enthused by these guys posing like they’re in a crossover between Baywatch and a boy band video.

The original JOB squad. 

We thankfully cut back to the arena (where that same fucking song still is playing) and Tony says this will be a “wild and woolly” eight man tag. I’m pretty sure only half of that description makes sense. 

Schiavone tells us a “new member” of the Dungeon of Doom is about to be revealed in this eight man tag. This should be good. Sullivan did say he wanted to bring “all athletes” into the Dungeon so maybe it’ll be Linford Christie. 

Three members of the DoD come out (along with Jimmy Hart), then suddenly a ginger guy wearing stereotypical old Irish clothes comes running out. As he sprints around the ring baring his teeth like a rabid dog, Tony says that he’s called “the leprechaun”. 

I mean, it’s not worse than “the Shark”, but for goodness sake. It’s basically a normal-sized version of Hornswoggle acting like he has the infection from 28 Days Later. This guy is better known as Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker and was one of the main trainers at the WCW Power Plant. This was clearly a demonstration of how some gimmicks will leave you dead on arrival.

The Original JOB Squad Vs The Dungeon of Doom

We are literally about ten seconds into the match before Tony says “there’s a disturbance in the back” and the cameraman literally turns away from the ring and starts running towards the backstage area. Because fuck the match. Some asshole is constantly blowing a whistle, also, which is annoying as hell.

We see a bit more of the match before cutting again to the back.

Hard to see in the dark light but basically the Outsiders have entered the production truck, which evidently has absolutely no security in place whatsoever. It’s amazing how Hall and Nash are pretty much able to do as they please with no security there to try and intervene. 

The Outsiders make the screen fade to black in and out. Tony and Larry are asking how and why Hall and Nash are able to waltz in and just start fucking around with a pretty huge TV show’s live production. Good questions.

Hall and Nash put in headsets and start directing camera shots. Obviously as the TV cameras are actually focused on them they are literally affecting nothing, but... whatever. They look like they’re having a lot of fun, and in fairness this is probably more entertaining than the match going on in the ring.

We do start seeing random crowd pans. 

This kid’s tank top appears to be a few sizes too big. It’s literally falling off him. At first I thought it said “milf” along the top but I don’t think it does. I’m fairly sure that wasn’t a term in 1996. Those were more innocent days. 

WCW yellowshirt security finally arrives and calmly ushers the Outsiders out of the production truck, telling them “we’re trying to do a show”. No shit. 

We go back to the match, which Tony calls “high impact”. We wouldn’t know because we’ve literally seen nothing of it. Schiavone is getting more and more upset by the Outsiders being at “master control”, as he keeps calling it, and says “it’s a crime”. Well... yes, it probably is. 

As Jim “Jobber” Powers stands around outside the ring...

Holla! Teddy Long comes out and informs him next week on Nitro HE’S GOING ONE ON ONE WITH... no, no he doesn’t. We can’t really hear what he’s saying because Zybszko is yelling, asking why Long is out there. 

Powers is fired up by whatever Teddy says and starts cleaning house on the Dungeon. The match breaks down, then out comes the Giant.

He chokeslams the Renegade, Gomez, Powers and “Junior Hitler” Alex Wright. The jobbers are disposed of, the match is obviously thrown out.

The Original JOB Squad defeat The Dungeon of Doom via Disqualification.

Giant accepts a well deserved round of applause for ending that match.

Okerlund rushes to the ring to get involved. He tells Jimmy Hart “you scare me... especially when you’re behind me like that.”

OK. By the way, check out the back of Jimmy’s jacket.

Now if the Taskmaster actually made the effort to put that facepaint on then he’d actually look slightly less stupid. Instead he just chucks on a couple of silly eyebrows and says “that’ll do”. Put a little pride in your work, Sullivan.

Gene asks Giant whether or not he’ll accept Hogan’s challenge for Hog Wild. Giant says that when he came into WCW it was his mission to win the World Heavyweight Championship, and he did that. He said once he won the title he “swore an oath” to defend the belt wherever he needed to defend it. That’s kind of how it works when you’re a champion anyway, but sure. 

Giant says that whilst Hogan has been off in Hollywood making movies and trying to win an Oscar (lol), he’s been wreaking havoc as the “cancer” of WCW. Giant says that once the nWo turned up WCW came running to him, asking what they can do about the nWo. Giant says he’ll chokeslam them all in the middle of the ring. There you go. Easy solution. What was everybody so worried about? 

Gene says to Jimmy Hart that “we saw you at the top of the program with Shaquille and Hulk” ... does Okerlund realise that was in the distant past? Hart ignores Gene and simply says “Hogan, the Giant will be ready for Hog Wild”. Good to know.

The Giant has at least one supporter behind him. 

There’s an advert for WCW Saturday Night, before we cut straight back to a match. The entrances were not televised so we’ll get straight into it.

Diamond Dallas Page Vs Prince Iaukea

I had to google the Prince’s last name. Easy to say, harder to spell. It’s just a case of getting all the vowels in the right places. 

Prince is still wrestling barefoot for some reason. You would have thought somebody would have advised him to put some boots on by now. They aren’t just a fashion accessory, kid.

This match lasts a couple of minutes before Page bounces off the ropes and hits the diamond cutter.

Diamond Dallas Page defeats Prince Iaukea by Pinfall.

Chavo appears in an “up next” promo where he basically tells Dean Malenko to get ready for a fight.

Those eyes mean business.

We get a promo video on the Benoit/Sullivan feud. It focuses on Sullivan’s worrying obsession with taking his opponents to the men’s restroom. No comment.

Chavo Jr is out... no name graphic, though.

For some reason these people are dancing along to Chavo’s generic rock theme...

Except the little girl in the bottom left, who looks bored beyond belief. In her defence, it’s not been a stellar night as far as matches are concerned.

Deano is out next... no name graphic for him, either. I wonder if the Outsiders legit fucked up something in the production truck? 

Chavo Guerrero Jr Vs Dean Malenko

The match begins and there are two oddities. Firstly I’m fairly sure the bell doesn’t ring to start the match, it just starts. Also the camera is panning across the crowd/nitro logo and totally misses the match starting. Good job. Maybe the Outsiders are actually still in the production truck controlling this thing.

A fast paced start to this one. Stinko eventually slows it down and starts hitting a bunch of suplexes and shit. Hour two is about to start and Tony has to remind us about the countdown because the little dynamite count down stick that’s usually in the bottom right corner is not there. I guess they really can’t get any on screen graphics up!

Fireworks go off and Eric Bischoff comes screaming through the audio as if he’s yelling to us from the end of a telephone line. They eventually get this under control, and Bischoff is way more enthusiastic than Tony was towards the end of that first hour.

Bischoff says that Heenan looks nervous, and although Heenan starts to talk you can’t actually hear him. He’s wayyyy in the background. Looks like production glitches aren’t just limited to the onscreen graphics. Some kind of gong sound affect briefly cuts off Bischoff before Heenan comes roaring into commentary on an unnecessarily high volume. 

Malenko continues to work over Chavo as a lone person chants “boooring”. It really isn’t. The match is decent enough. 

I’m telling you, that fat kid and the people who I assume are his family must be some of the most annoying people on the planet judging by how they’re acting like the front row. They’ve spent most of the show waving at the camera, making stupid poses and pretending to ‘fight’ each other. See example below: 

To be fair to the guy on the far left, he’s not really getting so involved with it, but mustache, pink shirt and the chubby funster are just acting like idiots nonstop. Check out the expression of the kid sitting next to fatso:

Yeah. I feel for you.

Malenko has Chavo in this hold for a while, as fireworks randomly start going off. 

Towards the end of the match Jimmy Hart randomly appears to start shotuing encouragement to Malenko. It wasn’t really needed as Malenko has been in pretty much total control for 95% of the match anyway. 

Malenko gets distracted by the mouth of the south, which allows Chavo to sneak up from behind and nearly get the roll-up victory.

But he only gets a two count. Chavo then attempts an inside cradle for another two count.

Match ends when Chavo jumps off the top turnbuckle, but is caught in mid-air by Malenko, slammed to the mat and then wrapped into the Texas Cloverleaf. Game over. 

Dean Malenko defeats Chavo Guerrero Jr via Submission. 

Bischoff continues to hype up Hog Wild with the tagline of one million bikers and you, or whatever. They all get in free so no gate receipts for WCW. Great idea. 

Meng is yelling largely unintelligible stuff. Jimmy Hart tells Ice Train that after he faces Meng he’ll be “cold as ice”. So, dead then? 

We’re back with Bobby and Eric, who says the Outsiders were “slippery enough” to get into the production truck. I mean... come on. Look at them. Two guys over six and a half feet. They aren’t ghosting in there, are they? It’s just lack of security. 

Eric then starts talking about the Giant/Hogan match, he says “talk is cheap, Hogan, and so are you”. There’s a lot of accusations you can level at the Hulkster, brother, but being cheap certainly isn’t one of them. Dude was one on hell of a wedge. 

We’re onto the next match, out comes Ice Train...

Bischoff reckons Ice Train could be one of “the brightest stars in the years to come”. Not quite, Eric, not quite. They’ve at least got the on screen graphics back up, so that’s something. I do love how happy Ice Train looks when he comes out though.

You get the feeling he’s just a super positive guy. 

The crowd are apparently loving the Train...

Except the little girl in the right. I think she’s actually crying. “No more jobbers, please”.

His opponent is Meng.

Get the feeling this one could be quite a stiff match. Ice Train is an absolute tank and Meng is... well, Meng. Speaking of Meng, Eric Bischoff says that “one hundred years ago, these people were cannibals”. I’m not sure that’s true. Apparently Tonga was known as “the friendly islands” when first discovered by European settlers and that was in 1773. It wasn’t the amazon jungle. 

Ice Train Vs Meng

Ice Train starts off this match with some impressive agility, managing a leapfrog over Meng and hitting him with a flying cross body. 

That is one heavy collision. 

Teddy is out here again, watching the match. This guy is all over the place recently. 

Meng and Train exchange some brutal chops outside the ring, before they get back inside and Train takes control. Meng swings momentum back his way and hits a huge leg drop. Meng pretty much continues to dominate. The match is very slow, as you might imagine. 

The match ends when Meng and Train are fighting on the outside, and suddenly Scott Norton appears and attacks Meng.

Norton rams Meng’s head into the ringpost and that’s a DQ.

Meng defeats Ice Train via Disqualification. 

Norton yells into the camera that he’s got Ice Train’s back, and Train won’t have to worry about anything until Hog Wild.

Could have just told him face-to-face, he’s literally a few feet away, but OK. Also not sure how this is watching Train’s back, he just got the guy disqualified. It’s not like Train was being double-teamed by the Dungeon. 

A promo airs of Hogan’s heel turn at the Bash of the Beach and subsequent events, with an attempt at dramatic storytelling by some guy. He asks “who’s next to join the New World Order?” 

Up next...

Eddie says to never underestimate a person, even after you’ve beaten them. Um... well, by that point it doesn’t really matter, does it? I guess he means in the subsequent rematch. 

We then get another Glacier promo. The same one as earlier in the night. They could have at least made two or three to help add variety. 

Now it’s a promo for Hog Wild. Jeez... are we ever going back to the arena? 

Finally, out comes Psychosis.

He has cool music. I can remember thinking Psychosis in general was a decent wrestler with an interesting look. A shame he never really did anything useful in WCW.

Eddie it out and he gets a random burst of pyro from the top of the set. 

Eddie Guerrero Vs Psychosis

Early “Eddie” chant from the crowd. 

Fast chain wrestling to open the bout. It continues in typical lucha fashion. Eddie clotheslines Psychosis over the top rope...

That’ll be a DQ, right? It was for Scott Norton earlier. No? No. Apparently not this time. Always cool when the rules are just applied whenever it suits the storyline. Helps build consistency. 

Well anyway, Eddie flies off the top onto Psychosis...

Bischoff says this is what makes WCW the most exciting place to be. What, rules applied differently depending on the match? Sure, very exciting.

Eddie rolls Psychosis back into the ring, hits a belly-to-back suplex and gets a two. Psychosis manages to hit some offence, then gets up onto the top turnbuckle and hits a flying spin kick.

Eric says that it is “magic”. Psychosis hits a suicide dive on Eddie, then a guillotine leg drop from the top rope.

The landing looks brutal on the back and buttocks though. Bischoff mentions that Psychosis is from “Triple A” and also name drops NJPW, which is interesting, as usually they just say “Mexico” or “Japan” rather than naming specific promotions. From what I remember WCW did have a working relationship with AAA and NJPW so it makes sense for them to mention the companies. They just don’t normally do so.

Match ends when Eddie hits a frankensteiner off the top rope on Psychosis, then gets up there again and flies with the frogsplash...

Doesn’t get much air on it so the landing looks kinda rough for poor old Psychosis. Anyhow, your winner is Eddie Guerrero. 

Eddie Guerrero defeats Psychosis via Pinfall.

Eddie has possibly been the most over wrestler on the show so far. Not a high bar, granted, but still...

Ric Flair’s music hits and some random guy is peering out of the “C” of the WCW sign.

Hello.

We’ve got two horsemen and three horsewomen (?) but no Slick Ric. 

We come back from a break to this...

Arn Anderson peering through blacked out limo windows, I assume looking for Flair. I find it odd that Flair hasn’t so much as contacted his best friend to let him know where he is, and Anderson instead has to resort to trying to see through dimmed limo windows. I know this is the era before cell phones were a big thing but surely somebody could have borrowed Booker T’s huge ass phone to make a call.

Arn eventually gives up and walks to the ring. Looks like he’ll be taking Flair’s place. 

Out come Sting, Luger and Savage.

The name graphics have disappeared again, by the way. Never mind.

Bischoff is insinuating that Flair might have joined the nWo. Heenan refuses to believe it. 

Mongo, Benoit & Arn Anderson Vs Sting, Luger & Savage

Sting and the Endomorph start things. Anderson pushes Sting, who shoves Arn back. Arn goes flying like Sting smacked him with a sledgehammer. Sting gives Arn a back body drop, then Benoit enters the ring. 

Dealt with.

Macho is wearing an extremely colourful outfit.

Like somebody took a paintbrush and just went crazy. It works for him though.

Mongo hits a fairly basic neckbreaker and the commentators act like he just performed a flying headscissors. “What a move from Mongo!” yells Heenan. Yeah. He then calls Mongo “phenomenal”. I think we have very different definitions of that word, Brain.

Mongo hits one if the shittiest looking drop kicks I’ve ever seen.

Heenan goes wild, screaming “look at that drop kick out of McMichaels!” ... maybe he’s actually being sarcastic. 

We get a shot of the limo...

Did they not do this same schtick a couple of weeks back? Just ban limos from the area. Problem solved.

Benoit beats on Sting in the ring. I don’t think Luger or Savage have literally done anything yet. Sting’s done all the work. 

The Horsemen are still beating on Sting. There’s only a few minutes of the program left so we aren’t going to see much from Macho or Luger tonight. Easy money. 

After what seems like an eternity Sting FINALLY tags in Luger, who comes in and starts decking all three of the horsemen.

Luger’s body is extremely shiny. It’s really noticeable.

The match starts to break down with all six men fighting in the ring.

You know something is about to go down. The camera cuts to the women - Debra is about to throw the metal briefcase in to Mongo, but for some reason Woman grabs it before she can and they have a brief tug-of-war. The Macho Man then appears and grabs the briefcase off them.

Bad intentions.

Savage comes in with Mongo’s metal briefcase and whacks Benoit in the back with it. Luger makes the cover...

And your team of babyfaces win using decidedly heel tactics. OK. I guess if you can’t beat them, join them? The crowd are delighted either way. 

We come back after the break and Mean Gene is in the ring with Sting, Luger and Savage. Something gets thrown in the ring, Gene says “please lady, don’t throw your underwear in here. It’s in bad taste” ... at a theme park, I would say so. Jeez. Macho says “that’s OK”. He doesn’t mind.

Sting is first up. Gene asks him about the match he and Luger have against the Outsiders at Hog Wild.

For some reason Sting is holding on to the briefcase. Not a bad idea if the nWo are around in fairness. He seems to be pondering Gene’s question carefully.

Sting says that last week “the Total Package was feeling kind of beat down, you know what I’m saying?” ... well, yes, he was quite literally beaten down. A bit harsh for Sting to be making light of that but whatever. Sting says he and Luger aren’t feeling down, they’re just feeling mean. “I mean real mean”. Sting says he knows when the Outsiders’ birthdays are, and he doesn’t believe in horoscopes, and he was thumbing through the newspaper and the PPV is going to be really bad for them. The date matches Leos and that makes the Outsiders Leos... erm... 

Indeed.

Luger says that the Outsiders have been pushing all the wrong buttons since they first came onto the scene. He says they’ve done a good job of pushing the three of them over the edge. Luger screams that he’s “losing it”, he says he cares about WCW and the Outsiders have had nothing but “disgust, disdain, and sarcasm” for it. Sarcasm doesn’t seem as bad as the first two but I get where he’s going. He says that at the PPV they’ll learn what he, Sting, Macho, WCW and the fans mean. I rag on Luger sometimes but I thought he had good, intense delivery here. He can cut a good promo when he isn’t stumbling over words.

Macho Man is next.

He says he’s talking directly to Hogan (with Luger giving the evil eye in the background). Macho says he’s going to beat Hogan up in the aisle before he gets to the ring to even face the Giant at Hog Wild. You might have wanted to keep that plan to yourself, Macho. Savage says the army, the navy and the militia aren’t going to be able to stop him kicking Hogan’s head in. Not sure the navy would have anything to do with it unless the fight spills onto a boat somewhere, and what’s the difference between the army and the militia? 

Macho finishes the promo by saying “we’ve got a date, don’t be late, suckerrr!” as Luger gurns into the camera and Sting makes a weird face.

Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

The show ends there. So no Outsiders or Hulk Hogan. We never find out who was in the limo either. Could have just been somebody randomly parked there, terrified as the Endomorph creepily tries to peer in. 

“If I stay really still and quiet, he’ll go away eventually.”

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 15/07/1996

Traffic lights are exploding...

Manholes are exploding...

Windows in random buildings are exploding...

All whilst the Hulkster is being projected screaming on the sides of other random buildings...

This can only mean one thing...

Oh yeah.

Pyro goes off in the distance (also spot the mickey mouse ears in the background) as big Tony Schiavone welcomes as to WCW Monday Nitro, live on TNT. WCW continues its exciting summer run in the Disney/MGM Studios. For some reason it worked so much better for them than it did TNA. But I guess that can be said for a lot of things TNA tried to copy from WCW. Anyway...

They give us a view of the ringside area and, honestly, they might have been better off not bothering. It looks kind of rinky-dink. The surrounding area looks cool, but the overall presentation looks distinctly indy. Nonetheless, I’m sure these theme park fans who happened to wander onto the WCW Nitro set are ready for the world’s #1 wrestling program to knock their daffy duck socks off.

Check out the look Larry is giving Tony here...

“I’m gonna slap your face” 

Also check out the dude with the creepy smile/moustache combo to Tony’s right, the fat guy looking somewhat baffled on Tony’s left, and a girl to the left of him whose mouth appears to be some kind of black hole. I really hope that’s just a weird video artifact.

Tony and Larry hype up the Outsiders making an appearance, alongside Hulk Hogan. Larry says he keeps looking over his shoulder. He says we all want to know who is going to be recruited next. Steady your horses, Larry. They show Hogan’s heel turn at Bash at the Beach, in a time when, to my knowledge, PPV events were not shown on regular broadcasts in full video. Normally you only got still shots. I suppose this moment was so monumental still photos just don’t do it justice. 

OK, time for the first match. First out is Fire & Ice, aka Scott Norton and Ice Train. For some reason they don’t get a name graphic. Even Tony and Larry got a name graphic. Jeez.

Man, Ice Train is fucking PUMPED!

Their opponents are a story of two brothers, Rick and Scott...

They get a name graphic. I guess we know who’s going over here, as if it was ever in doubt.

Fire & Ice Vs The Steiner Brothers

Before the match starts, I have to point out...

This guy bought a Jimmy Hart t-shirt. Nothing against the mouth of the south, but come on, you go to a wrestling event and THAT’S the shirt you buy? I mean, he could be a huge Jimmy Hart fan, I suppose, but still... whatever.

Check out this guy just randomly waving the American flag. As you do. The boy next to him hates the Steiner brothers. Or maybe just hates the music. It’s hard to specify exactly what his thumbs down is in relation to. It probably isn’t the music. How could you hate the Steiner Brothers theme? It’s a classic.

Tony tells us that Sting, Ric Flair and the Macho Man are all absent from the broadcast tonight. The Giant is missing too. Great. No explanation given as to why. Lex Luger is here, though. Wonderful.

I have to point out, forgetting Scott’s ginormous arms for a moment...

This is weird ring gear. It’s like an epileptic fit in artistic form. I don’t get it.

Norton starts off strong, laying a beating down on Scotty. This is two pretty big hosses throwing down. For some reason Ice Train looks disgusted.

Did he just spot the guy with the Jimmy Hart t-shirt?

Also is it me or does he look a little bit like a young Kenan Thompson here? A Kenan & Kel wrestling tag team would have been awesome. 1995 WWF would totally have booked that shit as well. Opportunities missed...

Tony mentions that Hogan’s movie “Mr. Nanny” is premiering tomorrow night on TNT. Larry says “take it off”. For once, living legend, I agree. They’d be doing everyone a favour.

Anyhow, Scott Steiner finally starts making a comeback and gives Norton a belly-to-belly suplex.

Norton falls out of the ring, and...

Err... who’s the blonde beside Tony? Throw a headset on her, she probably can’t make any less sense than Zbyszko. It’s kind of funny, though, she’s sort of cowering as Norton gets up beside her. Like she’s next to a wild beast or something.  I still question the logic of setting up the announcing desk right next to the ring, but, whatever.

We go to a break, then when we come back...

Holla, holla, holla! A very young looking Teddy Long comes out. He does love tag matches, after all. However, in this instance he sets up Ice Train to go ONE ON ONE WITH THE UNDERTAKER. 

Well, I wish he would, but actually he just stands around watching. 

Back in the ring, Rick Steiner hits Ice Train with a Scorpion Death Drop...

Of course, this is way before Sting makes this his finishing move, so Ice Train kicks out with relative ease. 

As you’d expect neither Tony nor Larry are talking about the match. Instead they’re going on about who is going to join the nWo next. Larry says it’s like the Olympics with athletes defecting to other countries. What? Tony says “great point”. Was it?

Match ends when Norton tries to hold down Rick Steiner for Ice Train to splash him, however he isn’t holding him very tightly as Rick just kind of sits up and...

Oops. 

Rick then hits an impressive looking german suplex on Ice Train...

But doesn’t hold on for a bridge. He kind of tries, but...

It looks like shit. Ref starts counting anyway, but Rick can’t hold on in that weird position so ends up rolling onto his front as the ref continues to count to three, and the match ends...

The Steiner Brothers defeat Fire & Ice via pinfall.

Ice Train no sells the german suplex by immediately getting up. Tony says he doesn’t think Ice Train was the legal man. I can’t remember, and it’s WCW, so the rules only matter when they need to matter. The crowd cheer politely for the Steiners. I guess Teddy Long was just out there because he loves tag matches, then, as he didn’t factor into the finish at all.

Mean Gene makes his first appearance of the night, standing alongside Big Bubba, Jimmy Hart and Kevin Sullivan.

I think Sullivan is painting around his eyes now too. You know, Kevin, at this point you might as well go full corpse paint. Although I’d lose the two lines above the eyebrows. They just look silly.

Sullivan says that everybody is watching their backs these days. He repeats the line from previous weeks about “living for the end of Hulkamania”, which is really kind of sad, but then says he had no idea Hogan was planning to come in and take WCW over. Taskmaster, did you ever look at Hogan’s contract? Dude took over the moment he stepped into WCW. Anyway, Sullivan says Jimmy Hart has a plan. This should be good.

As Jimmy starts talking, Fire & Ice walk past arguing with each other. Rude. Anyway, once they’re gone Jimmy says that in order to destroy the Four Horsemen Kevin Sullivan said money was no object and he would recruit “every professional athlete into the dungeon if necessary”. OK, two things. Firstly, that’s a fucking broad spectrum. EVERY professional athlete? Swimmers? Golfers? Tennis Players? Secondly, why would any of them join? I can imagine the sales pitch. “So, we call ourselves the Dungeon of Doom and our mission is to destroy Hulk Hogan”, “OK, why?”, “Because that’s WHAT WE LIVE FOR”, “....”

So, the Faces of Fear randomly show up mid-promo and just stand there.

Not sure why they’re late to the party, but OK. Jimmy Hart never actually explains his plan, and instead we switch to Big Bubba. He tells Lex Luger not to worry about the Outsiders or Hogan, and instead to worry about Big Bubba. He says the “commission doctors”, whoever they are, have said that Luger has a concussion and a detached retina. He says tonight he’s going to put Luger to sleep “permanently”. So, murder him on live TV basically. Oh, Bubba, you crazy, crazy man.

Mean Gene calls Meng and the Barbarian “the johnny-come-latelys”. He’s feeling brave tonight. Taskmaster says they’ve been “taking care of our back”, without going into any further details, Sullivan says he has something to say to Chris Benoit. Jeez, this promo is going all over the place. He starts off by saying “if anyone saw the pay-per-view”, which is funny as it sounds like he expected nobody actually did, that Benoit has gotten “too personal with me now”. Mean Gene then quips “I would say a bathroom is too personal”. Hah. Gene doesn’t give a fuck. 

Dean Malenko appears in one of those green screen promos.

He cuts an exhilarating promo about getting back what is his, the cruiserweight title. And by exhilarating I mean it sounds like he’s about to fall asleep. 

GLACIER PROMO VIDEO.

Obviously, because Gene is a drama-loving asshole, he’s found Fire & Ice and got into the middle of their argument, stirring shit up.

Norton yells at Kenan, er, Ice Train, that he put the team together and they’re going to get “titles and championshit shots”. That’s not a typo. He then says Ice Train is screwing things up. Train replies that he does things within the rules. OK. Didn’t really deny that he’s the fuck up in the team though. 

Holla holla holla, here’s Teddy.

He says he isn’t out here to get in their business, which is a blatant lie as he wouldn’t be there otherwise. He says that they are a great tag team and shouldn’t break up... SO HE’S BOOKING THEM IN A ONE ON ONE MATCH WITH THE UNDERTAKER, PLAYA.

OK, no, unfortunately not. Norton isn’t impressed with Teddy. 

He grabs Teddy by the head and shoves him over. Gene is in the background loving every second. Ice Train is unimpressed with Norton’s behaviour. Norton walks off as Ice Train yells that they’ll hook it up. 

He’s angry. Gene is disappointed that it’s over. Tony astutely observes that “it seems there is some problems with Fire & Ice”. No shit.

Time for another match. First out is pre-Flock babyface Kidman.

He’s just so happy to be there.

Dean Malenko is out next.

Jimmy Hart is pleading with him about something, although we can’t hear what. Malenko is looking at him like he’s some kind of space alien. He actually might be. Anyway, Hart runs off and Malenko tells Chris Benoit to “pay attention”. 

Billy Kidman Vs Dean Malenko

Match starts with Dean smashing Kidman with a clothesline. Malenko soon tries powerbombing Kidman on the outside, bit Kidman reverses into a back body drop and hits Stinko with a missile drop kick from the top turnbuckle. Tony meanwhile is shitting himself over the remarks he made about Hogan at Bash at the Beach. I think Hogan has bigger things to deal with than you, Tony. 

As I watch this match, the front row is full of the most energetic, hardcore fans you’ll ever see at a wrestling show. 

“When does Mickey come out?” 

Tony is going into full on paranoia mode. Ignoring the match entirely, he starts telling Larry he isn’t sure if he can trust him. Larry says “don’t trust me”. OK then. Larry says money and power is “the secret to success”. I don’t think that’s much of a secret, Larry, it’s how to make the money and get the power that’s supposed to be the secret. Tony says that Larry makes a good point about “who’s next”, at which point Larry says “what do you mean you don’t trust me?” ... that’s some delayed reaction, Zybszko. You literally told Tony thirty seconds ago not to trust you. How many drinks has he had?

Oh, a match is still going on by the way. Not that you’d know if you were listening to audio only. It’s been mostly Malenko dominating. Nothing special, just trust me on that. 

Match ends when Kidman goes for the always impressive shooting star press...

But misses. Tony calls it a “back flip”. Stinko hits a brain buster, a powerbomb and a butterfly suplex before putting Billy into the Texas Cloverleaf.

The front row look vaguely confused and/or bored. Kidman taps. Match over.

Dean Malenko defeats Billy Kidman via submission.

We’re back with Mean Gene. 

For some reason he’s interviewing Kevin Greene, who as usual looks somewhat baffled by the English language. Greene says that he’s upset, and it’s unbelievable how he’s stabbed all the little hulkamaniacs in the back. I just noticed Chrome wants to autocorrect that to Kleptomaniacs. I suppose there must be impulse thieves who are Hulk Hogan fans too. 

Greene says that he took the “vitamins”, said the prayers, worked out hard and became a pro in the NFL, but now he finds out Hogan didn’t believe any of it. In fairness, that hasn’t been established yet. Greene says Hogan was his hero and says he himself was a hulkamaniac. They abruptly switch topics to Mongo McMichael, and Greene stumbles over his words saying he doesn’t want to wait until his NFL training camp is over to get his hands on Mongo.

Gene’s looking at the camera like... “this guy is an idiot”. Greene asks Gene to send Mongo his way if he sees him, and Gene says he will. Of course. At the end of the interview Greene slaps Gene on the back, which causes Gene to stumble forward and look somewhat pissed off.

Hah. Serves you right.  

Booker T is yelling stuff, but I genuinely can’t understand a word he’s saying. Something about “dastardly deeds”, although nothing about “illegal tactics”. Stevie Ray says hillbillies will be “smoked”. 

Legit scary.

Our next match is set to begin. First out...

Mike Enos and Dick Slater. So, which one is “Rough” and which one is “Ready”? Slater looks like he’s ready for a nap. That is one of the shittiest tag team names I’ve ever seen.

Their opponents are Harlem Heat w/Sensational Sherri.

Harlem Heat Vs Rough & Ready

I can’t force myself to care about this match. Sorry. 

Match ends when Sherri locks lips with Rough, distracting him...

She apparently has very bad breath as Slater looks disgusted.

In fact, the kiss was apparently so foul that Slater can’t recover, and ends up pinned from a roll-up...

Your winners, Harlem Heat.

Harlem Heat defeat Rough & Ready via pinfall.

OK.

We’re back with Gene again, who says that we’re “totally live”... as opposed to only being partially live, I guess? 

He’s still with Kevin Greene. Wtf.

Greene is trying to take his shirt off whilst incoherently screaming that he wants Mongo out here now. Gene says this isn’t the time or the place. Greene then has a sudden change of heart and says he actually has to go to training camp and his revenge will have to wait until February. Well alright then. 

Apparently Greene’s stupid promo took place whilst the women wrestlers were getting ready, as Madusa and some Japanese woman are already in the ring.

Madusa Vs Malia Hosaka

Yes, I had to google this match to find the Japanese girl’s name. Apparently she still wrestles to this day.

Zybszko is his usual woman-friendly self during this match, saying that women should “stay in the kitchen” and that the ring is a “man’s world”. Larry then offers some dating advice - “when you find one that keeps their mouth shut, take them home”. Apparently Larry isn’t looking for conversation from his significant other. Tony is not impressed and says “please be quiet”. Indeed.

At one point Hosaka goes up to the middle turnbuckle, with her back to Madusa, then just... jumps backwards. 

Bizarre. 

Match ends when Madusa german suplexes Hosaka and even though her foot is blatantly over the rope...

I mean, it literally couldn’t be any more blatant, the ref counts three anyway. Match over. Second match of the night to end with a german suplex.

Madusa defeats Malia Hosaka via pinfall.

Fireworks go off as hour two begins, and we switch to Eric Bischoff and Bobby Heenan on commentary.

Arn says that Meng could “eat any man alive”, but he should check the Horseman’s record as “it’s unparalleled”. I don’t think Meng is the kind of guy who goes around checking records. Eating people alive, though... possibly.

Oh, the nWo are here.

They’ve draped what appears to be bedsheets spraypainted with “nWo” over the WCW signs. Not sure how they managed to do this without being noticed or any security stopping them, but... 

You can see from this long shot they’ve only managed to do the “N” and “W” so far, so it reads NWW. Did they run out of bedsheets? Or did they just get tired after doing the “W” and thought “fuck it, they can work out the rest” ?

Heenan says this is “the beginning of the takeover”. Draping some spraypainted bedsheets over the WCW signage. Terrifying. Would be better if they had some sledgehammers and just smashed the fuck out of the letters, imo, but spraypainted bedsheets is... something. The finally manage to get the “O” up.

WCW thinks this is a good time to set off fireworks, for some reason. 

Heenan says that he thinks Hogan has been planning this “hostile takeover” since before he even joined WCW. That’s some serious long term thinking if so.

Out comes Meng, no knife and fork though.

Followed by a tentative looking Arn Anderson.

The Horsemen had really cool theme music around this time. A shame it was wasted on fucking Mongo of all people. I also love the Horsemen shirt design that Arn is rocking.

I’d buy that shit. I mean, it’s no Jimmy Hart t-shirt, but still.

They keep showing the nWo bedsheets, which Bischoff repeatedly calls “a slap in the face”. Well stop showing it then, idiots.

Arn Anderson Vs Meng

The match starts off with “Double A” putting them up whilst Meng stalks him around the ring.

This match starts off SLLLOOWWWW as shit. Meng dominates as Jimmy Hart yells undecipherable stuff on his megaphone. The Enforcer gains control by attacking Meng’s legs. Bischoff asks where Mongo is. Nobody cares, Eric. Literally. Nobody cares.

Meng takes control again as the pace somehow gets even slower. 

The Barbarian wanders out. He looks lost. Jimmy Hart tells him he can hang around here for a while. 

At some point the crowd start chanting “Hogan”. Do they realise he’s turned heel? Or maybe they just want him to come out and end this match with a couple of big boots and leg drops, brother.

This glacial pace match finally ends when Jimmy Hart distracts the ref, Barbarian clobbers Anderson from behind and Meng hits a superkick to win.

Look at the expression of the bald guy in the front row. He looks tortured. 

Meng defeats Arn Anderson via pinfall after what felt like about six hours.

Jimmy Hart is literally jumping for joy. I would be too, just because it’s over.

Mean Gene is interviewing Mongo and Debra.

Where exactly where these two when Arn was getting mugged by the Dungeon of Doom a few minutes ago? Mongo has his pet chihuahua with him so maybe they were feeding it or something. They had better things to do, clearly.

Gene notes that Mongo and Debra have shown up only after Greene left. They feign surprise, asking if Greene is still here. Mongo says if Greene wants to fight him, they should sign a contract rather than fight unsanctioned. Seems reasonable. Debra asks “what is the Carolina Panthers? before belittling Greene’s lack of NFL records compared to Mongo. She then says “this is a WCW, where the big.. boys... play... so you need to pack up and go back to the little Carolina where all the little bitty farm... boys are.” Seriously, this woman can barely string a coherent sentence together. Gene looks like he’s trying to stop himself from laughing the entire time she’s speaking.

Also, Mongo’s dog is wearing a hat.

No comment.

Out comes Chris Benoit, who was also nowhere to be seen when Arn was getting his arse handed to him by the Dungeon. Some friend.

Why do so many people at this show have such frightening mouths?

Anyway, out comes Eddie who for some reason gets pyro...

This is still bland babyface Eddie Guerrero. It’ll be a while before he gains a personality, but the good news is he’s as good in the ring as ever.

Chris Benoit Vs Eddie Guerrero

An “Eddie” chant to start off with. Nice. 

Benoit asks the ref to check Eddie’s knee pads, the ref complies, and Benoit uses the distraction to attack Eddie and start the match. 

A great potential match here, and Bischoff says “where the heck is Hogan?” ... focus, Eric.

Heenan says that Benoit has “acceleration power”, which sounds like how you’d describe the flash’s superhero power. Benoit starts out strong, but Eddie gets back into it with a few high flying moves. As he works over Benoit, Bischoff lies to us all by stating WCW “sets the standard for PPV excellence”. I certainly hope not.

Benoit takes back control, hitting Eddie with a gorilla press slam and then locking in a camel clutch. He lets go, which allows Eddie to come back with a crisp belly-to-back suplex.

The crowd start chanting “Eddie” again and are doing this weird thing with their hands.

Moving them up and down. I don’t understand.

Benoit locks in a tight looking lion tamer.

Eddie twists out of it, but then eats a stiff powerbomb. The woman in the front row is doing this weird thing again where she’s swinging her hand from side to side with her fingers set like the four horsemen signal...

This must be some kind of disapproving hand gesture I haven’t heard of. It looks really strange.

Towards the end of the match Benoit and Eddie take a spill to the outside. Then, out comes Stinko!

He rams Benoit’s head into the ring post, which the ref conveniently completely misses as he’s desperately checking on Eddie Guerrero. 

The ref begins counting both men out. Eddie manages to get back into the ring before the ten count expires, Benoit does not. Therefore, he is your winner.

Eddie Guerrero defeats Chris Benoit via count-out.

Jimmy Hart claims that when he’s your manager “only good things happen”. The Dungeon has a pretty poor record so I have to question that. 

Another Glacier video package. The same one they play over and over and over. They must have really thought this guy was going to be something huge.

Out comes Big Bubba.

Followed by Flexy Lexy.

Wake up, Lex.

This match goes on for a while and as thrilling as Big Bubba Vs Lex Luger might be, I’ve gotta skip to the end of this one.

Big Bubba Vs Lex Luger

As both men are down in the ring, trouble arrives...

Uh oh spagettios.

The outsiders get into the ring and start beating the shit out of Luger.

And here comes the man of the hour...

Bischoff calls him “the scourge of the wrestling world”, whilst Heenan points out there’s no red and yellow, he’s wearing black. Not actually the first time Hogan wore black in WCW, but yeah.

Nash gives Luger a jacknife powerbomb, then Hogan stands over Lex and starts slapping him in the face as the crowd boos.

One girl tries to get a “Hogan sucks” chant going but it doesn’t really gain any traction. Hogan picks up Big Bubba and seems to be friendly with him...

But of course it’s a ruse. The outsiders proceed to beat Bubba up and toss him out of the ring.

As Bischoff and Heenan soil their underpants over the “war”, Mean Gene gives no fucks and walks right into the middle of this shit. He might love drama, but the guy has some balls.

Okerlund says that Hogan has led us down “the primrose path”. Hogan says he wishes he’d done this two years ago. He says “the new world order is taking over professional wrestling”. Gene asks “what about the children?!”, Hogan says the fans had the gall to boo him after he tried to lead their children down the right path, so the fans can “stick it”. 

This family of Winnie the Pooh fanatics are not pleased. 

Trash starts getting thrown into the ring as Hogan calls Sting a “skinny little bodybuilder” and mocks Macho Man blaming him for his divorce from Elizabeth.  

Hogan talks about how great he is and how he’s bigger than wrestling. Hogan calls Hall and Nash “the renegades”, and says they’ll “set the trend for the 90′s”. Hogan says he may bring in outsiders, or he may bring in people from the inside. Hogan says that where he does, that’s where professional wrestling goes. Okerlund asks about the kids, Hogan says he’s done with them. Hogan challenges the Giant for the title at the upcoming PPV, Hog Wild.

Hulk shoves Okerlund away, the nWo start kicking bottles out of the ring. ALl of a sudden, the Steiners and the Faces of Fear arrive.

Rick Steiner coming to battle with a backwards cap on. Sure, that seems appropriate. Arn Anderson comes out too. Nash grabs a steel chair as WCW wrestlers circle the ring. 

The broadcast ends with fans booing and giving thumbs down.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 08/07/1996

It’s the day after Hulk Hogan turned heel. This was a pretty monumental event in wrestling history. If you didn’t grow up in this era you might not get it, the closest comparison at this time would be Cena turning heel, but even that pales in comparison to the shock of the Hulkster turning his back on the Hulkamaniacs, brother.

WCW is starting its summer run at the Disney/MGM Studios in Orlando, Florida, which would last a few weeks.

As usual we’re welcomed by Tony and Larry Z to the hottest two hours in television.

Larry is going super casual. He’s a man of the people. 

Tony says “words cannot describe what happened last night, but the pictures will”. I don’t think it would be that difficult to tell it in words, it wasn’t exactly a complex situation. Larry says he’s disgusted, and Hogan’s actions were “total unmanliness”. They show pictures of Rey Vs Psychosis from the PPV, then Dean Vs Disco. 

The show starts with Rey Mysterio Jr.

His opponent is Dean Malenko.

Rey Mysterio Jr Vs Dean Malenko

You know how these types of matches go, a lot of speedy, flippy stuff from Rey and technical wrestling from Deano. Always good to watch. Towards the end of the match, Tony says “Malenko is showing he’s not only a champion, but he’s a man who can fight as well, and escape near-falls”. Well... yeah. He wouldn’t be champion if he was no good at those things. Thanks for stating the obvious, Tony. Match ends when Dean puts Rey on his shoulders on the top turnbuckle, throws him up as he jumps...

Then...

Ouch.

Malenko goes for the pin but pulls Rey up before the three count, then hits a suplex and once again pulls Rey up before the three. This comes back to haunt him when Rey hits the Frankensteiner...

And gets the three count. Your winner and new cruiserweight champion, Rey Mysterio Jr! The senior citizen front row are loving it. The guy in the “MGM” shirt literally jumps up and down in excitement.

Rey Mysterio Jr defeats Dean Malenko via Pinfall.

Tony says Mysterio earned the win. Larry says he didn’t earn it, Malenko made two mistakes, as if these are somehow mutually exclusive. We get a crowd shot, focused on this guy.

So that’s where Genie goes at the end of Aladdin... to Florida to watch Nitro with a really rough looking Steve Sanders. Cool.

We cut back to the locker room where Mean Gene is with the Nasty Boys and the Steiner Brothers.

What’s up with Rick’s over friendly smile here? It’s kind of creepy.

Scott Steiner says he doesn’t agree with how Harlem Heat won the titles or how they beat them last week when Parker hit Rick in the head with his cane, then gets interrupted by Knobbs. Steiner then yells “shut up, fatso” and says he doesn’t agree with how the Nasty Boys act or look (who would?) but that he respects their wrestling ability. Is he being sarcastic? Doesn’t seem to be, but if he isn’t then what wrestling ability?

Saggs says the Nasty Boys don’t care about the Steiners’ problems with Harlem Heat, they just care about winning their match tonight. He says the Steiners are taking a trip to Nastyville. Scott says “keep talking and I’ll knock your other tooth out”. Hah. Rick starts talking with this weird expression on his face...

And says “I don’t think it’s Nastyville, come down to the dog pound, and get down where it gets real nasty boys. You see, my nose is [inaudible, starts sniffing like a dog]

“I smell em, I smell the heat, I’m coming after you boys, [inaudible], I got you. Nasty Boys, you gettin’ away is just [inaudible] it ain’t gonna be personal”

Word for word. 

Knobbs yells a bunch of stuff as Rick growls like a dog. End segment. Wow. Rick makes his brother sound like Shakespeare.

OUR WORLD IS ABOUT TO CHANGE. ENTER THE REALM. BLOOD RUNS COLD. IN EACH OF US BURNS THE FURY OF A WARRIOR.

GLACIER. 

We get a shot on Mickey as we return to ringside.

Yeah.

Anyway, the announcers are still going on about Hogan’s heel turn as Big Bubba, Hugh Morrus and Jimmy Hart wander out.

Big Bubba is wearing a helmet.

Looking chilly, bro.

Larry says “the Dungeon of Doom are rebuilding their, uh... force, if you will”. If you will indeed. 

They are facing the Blue Bloods w/Jeeves and Earl Robert Eaton.

The fans chant “USA” at the Blue Bloods.

Big Bubba and Hugh Morrus Vs the Blue Bloods

Mercifully this match doesn’t last long. Larry meanwhile says that Earl Robert Eaton “doesn’t know how to treat a bummer the right proper way”.

What?

I’m not sure what he means by this, nor do I think I want to, but he then goes on to say “bummers do all the dirty work.”

“We have the same situation here. We just call them wives.”

Let’s just move on.

Oh, wait no, because Larry just said Hugh Morrus “moves like Rey Mysterio Jr”.

Okay.

John Tenta suddenly arrives and starts beating on Bubba. 

The Blue Bloods hit a double back drop on Hugh Mysterio Jr...

Squire Dave Taylor gets the pin. Tony calls it a “sensational win”. Not quite.

The Blue Bloods defeat Big Bubba and Hugh Morrus via Pinfall.

We come back from a commercial break and Eddie Guerrero and Psychosis are already in the ring.

Apparently this is Psychosis’ debut on Nitro. He didn’t even get a televised entrance. That doesn’t bode well. The cut to this split screen where Rey is talking...

But the announcers are talking over him, so we can’t hear anything he’s saying until Tony tells Larry to shut up. Rey is giving his opinion on Hogan’s heel turn, apparently. He says “there was much confusion in all of our minds. Especially the little kids, they were crying. They were very disappointed, and personally I’m very disappointed on who the third person was. I don’t think that’s fair for all of us. To all my Mexican friends... [speaks Spanish]... he betrayed us.”

Not sure why that had to be shown in the middle of this match - Psychosis debut, remember. Way to showcase him, WCW. Have Rey interrupt and talk about Hulk Hogan instead. I wouldn’t worry Rey, you’ll never be anywhere near Hogan. Watch out for Nash, though.

Larry says if Rey interrupts him again “he’ll have my hand upside his head”. It was the production crew who made the decision to air that, Larry. Rey didn’t walk into the truck and say “Zybszko’s talking, put me on now and cut that sexist old crank off”. I wish he had.

During the match, Eddie whips Psychosis onto the ropes, and Psychosis apparently gets hit in the balls..

Feels bad, man. 

“When human bodies get sweaty, they sweat” - Larry Zybszko. 

For some reason the crowd have decided Psychosis is the heel and started booing him. He hasn’t done anything especially heelish but, yeah, fuck Psychosis apparently.

The match ends when Eddie hits a superplex...

 Then a Frogsplash...

And it’s over. Psychosis debut ends with a loss. Welcome to WCW.

Eddie Guerrero defeats Psychosis via Pinfall.

We go to Gene, who is standing at the entranceway with Sullivan, Jimmy Hart and the Giant. 

Taskmaster’s arm is extremely shiny. Jimmy Hart’s suit is ridiculous. Why is the twizzler mouth there? 

Gene asks Hart about Hogan. Hart says “this is the first time in my life that I’m lost for words, and I really have no comment”. I can believe that. This is a guy with a screaming mouth on his jacket, after all.

Sullivan says “sometimes when you live for the destruction and demise of something, like Jimmy and I did, we lived for a year and a half for the demise of Hulkamania, and he plucked it away from us. He destroyed it himself”. 

Well, how much longer was he supposed to wait, Kevin? Another year and a half? 

Sullivan says that the evil deeds he’s done in his life have come back to haunt him, and that when he looks in the mirror he sees Chris Benoit. He’s a madman. Then he switches back to the New World Order. Jimmy Hart then says “there’s a new world order coming, Gene, and you could be out of a job”. Hah, don’t count on it. Gene starts to act offended by this suggestion he might be out of work, but then the Giant gets on the mic and reminds everybody that he’s the world champion, and as long as he is, “nothing in WCW can go wrong”. I’m not sure what logic he’s employing to come to that conclusion. Didn’t help Bischoff much when he was powerbombed off the stage. 

Giant says that last night the Horsemen “won the battle, but you didn’t win the war”. Strange thing to say considering Giant & Sullivan beat Arn & Benoit, but okay. As the Dungeon walk off, Gene continues to rant about losing his job, as if Jimmy Hart would have any idea whether that was actually true or not.

Here come the Nasty Boys.

The camera zooms in on a mother and (I assume) daughter dancing to the Nasty Boys theme.

Guy on the left is leering kinda creepily at the mom. I hope that’s her partner.

Here’s a story of two brothers, Ricky and Scott...

Nasty Boys Vs the Steiner Brothers

The Nasty Boys try to get a “nastys” chant going. About ten people join in. 

The design of the Nasty Boys shirts and Rick Steiner’s wrestling gear are both similarly horrific. Just a mess of scribbled coloured lines. An adult actually designed those.

Towards the end of the match Scott Steiner gets dumped out of the ring. Jerry Saggs literally forces a kid to get out of a chair so that he can use it to whack Steiner with. 

Splat.

You’d think this would be a disqualification, as the ref sees all of it, but no. 

Hour two begins and we switch to Bischoff and Heenan. 

Scott Steiner recovers from the chair shot and hits Knobbs with a belly to belly. The Nastys regain control briefly, then we get a shot of Sister Sherri and Colonel Parker watching the match from behind the stands.

Sherri jumps on the ropes to distract the ref, Parker hits Saggs with his cane, and Scott Steiner pins Saggs for the win. This means they get a title shot at the next PPV, Hog Wild, which Bischoff describes as “250,000 of your favourite bikers and you”. Sounds scary. 

The Steiner Brothers defeat the Nasty Boys via Pinfall. 

Gene is in the ring with the Nasty Boys.

He says he couldn’t sleep because of what Hogan did. Get a life.

Saggs says “life, as is wrestling, is all about attitude. And ours has always been nasty. The big man, along with that stinking cane, just sent a lightning bolt right through my stinking head with a big message. A big message that says change is inevitable, we’ve got to change”. Saggs begins to say “it’ll be a cold day in hell” and Gene is like...

Because apparently you can’t say hell in front of the kids at Disney. Only in Sunday School. Gene promptly pulls the mic away from Saggs before he can even finish his sentence and asks for Knobbs’ opinion. He tells Gene “don’t take the microphone away from him until he’s finished talking”, Gene then says “fine”, glances over at Saggs, and says “he’s finished talking”. Ice cold.

Knobbs says the Nastys don’t condone Hogan’s actions, but he doesn’t see anything wrong with what he did either. Gene isn’t impressed and pretty much cuts the interview there. 

Jim Powers comes charging out, and he’s so happy to be there.

 He’s facing Ric Flair for the US Title. 

What has Jim Powers done to earn a US Title match, by the way? Then again, what had Disco Inferno done to earn a Cruiserweight Title match at Bash at the Beach? Me and my silly attempts to look for logic in WCW. I’m just going to look at Liz, Woman and Debra instead.

Wooo! And yet it’s also sad to think that only one of them is still alive. And now I feel weird. Let’s just pretend it’s 1996.

Ric Flair Vs Jim Powers

You know how a Flair match goes. His opponent spends the match dominating, Flair cheats somehow and wins. Except in this one Flair doesn’t actually cheat, just wins by using the Figure Four, pretty much fair and square. 

Jim Powers, such a jobber that Flair doesn’t even need to cheat to win.

Ric Flair defeats Jim Powers via Submission.

Gene is standing by with the Horsemen and their ladies. Woman is giving the camera a sultry look. Arn is just glaring at the audience at home angrily. Debra is looking at Gene with a very concerned expression. Maybe she heard he’s out of a job too. We can only hope.

Gene: After last night, I know a lot of things are running through even the minds of the Horsemen.

Even the minds of the Horsemen? Sounds like a bit of a put down.

Arn says that what Hogan did make him “want to puke”. Gene is like:

Arn continues, saying the Horsemen never claimed to be role models, but Hogan did. Arn says that there are people whose “lives hinged on what he said”. I doubt it. If so then they have bigger problems than Hogan turning heel, frankly. Mongo says “the apocalypse is on WCW” and says it only has to do with the Four Horsemen. OK. Flair cuts in and says Mongo isn’t “jumping jack flash” he’s a five time all pro. He bigs up Arn as well, and says that until the outsiders can “heal the sick, wake the dead, and drive little girls right out of their head” ... and then doesn’t finish his thought process. I’m not sure I want him to - little girls?

Anyway, Flair screams “GIANT! GIANT! GIANT! There’s a new champ in town, one that can go all night long, ain’t that right girls? Wooooo!” 

Insane.

We cut to Bischoff and Heenan at the announce desk.

Heenan’s looking sharp. Bischoff not so much.

They both talk about WCW fighting back. At this point it’s pretty funny. I mean, we’re talking three people against literally dozens. It’s not really a contest, is it? Hell, just fire Hogan if it’s such a problem. In kayfabe Hall and Nash don’t even have contracts so they shouldn’t be an issue to begin with. Obviously the nWo will eventually become bloated and a legitimate force, but for now it’s just three guys, two of which are not even supposed to be employed by WCW. God knows what these guys are panicking about.

Anyhow.

Out comes the Sarge with Teddy Long - Holla!

His opponent is Chris Benoit.

Chris Benoit Vs Sgt. Craig Pittman

Obviously Benoit wins. Pittman doesn’t actually tap, though. For some reason Long comes in and tells the ref to ring the bell. Gotta protect Craig Pittman?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Chris Benoit defeats Sgt. Craig Pittman via Submission.

So, it’s the main event of the evening - Arn Anderson Vs Sting. That’s a pretty big match, but I don’t think they’ve mentioned it all evening. Too busy crying about Hogan, who isn’t even there. Anyway, out comes Arnold.

Fireworks go off as a sombre looking Stinger walks out.

Haven’t heard from him about Hulk Hogan, which is strange as he was directly involved in the match at Bash at the Beach. Haven’t heard anything from Luger, either. Or Macho Man. We’ve heard from Rey Mysterio Jr and Mongo, though, so yeah. Maybe we’ll hear from some of the others after this match.

Bischoff says “we may have guests” and that there isn’t enough security at Disney to handle the Outsiders. Really? Two, three people at most if Hogan is with them. You don’t have enough security to deal with that? Don’t be so stupid.

Arn offers his hand...

Sting pretty much says “fuck you”.

Arn Anderson Vs Sting

The commentators are still going on about Hogan’s heel turn. For fuck’s sake, we get it. It’s a terrible thing. It’s a betrayal. Heenan warned us all for years. WE GET IT. Call the fucking match. 

Sting and Arn have a serviceable match. Nothing memorable. The crowd are behind the Stinger, for sure. During the match they actually air another Glacier promo. They were so high on this guy. Glacier should have been the one to take down the nWo. 

At one point during the match Bischoff says that Sting is “lit”. That’s interesting. I thought that was a recent saying, but Bischoff was throwing it out there in 1996. Trendsetter.

Arn and Sting are taking a break.

Bischoff tells us a “black limousine” has pulled up and that it’s “not a good thing”. Well, the show is practically over so it could be worse. 

Ohhh, scary.

Hall (dressed in all denim, so 90′s) and Nash are out of the vehicle.

Bischoff and Heenan are shitting their pants at this point, whereas the crowd politely applaud when Hall and Nash arrive at the ring. The contrast is amusing.

We have a standoff. What was Bischoff so worried about? Look at all that security, led by “Big” Doug Dillinger in his barely fitting turquoise shirt. No problem. 

The Macho Man comes to the ring. Anderson tries to blindsight Sting with a DDT, but Sting basically just pushes Arn over and applies the Scorpion Deathlock.

Arn gives up. Sting wins. Notice how the women came out with Flair but were nowhere to be seen when Arn and Benoit were wrestling? 

Sting defeats Arn Anderson via Submission.

Okerlund is in the ring with the Stinger.

Check out the dude in the middle rocking the Eddie Guerrero look with dat tash and dat hair. Then the ginger boy next to him with the glasses and turquoise tank top. Why are so many people wearing turquoise? 

Sting looks like he needs a nap. He says “I am not at all surprised. What happened last night I’m not surprised about, coming from the two outsiders. But I will say I am very very surprised at you Hulk Hogan. But I should have known. I should have known when you were travelling to every town in that big fat limo. I should have known, because you didn’t want to travel with the Macho Man or the Total Package and the Stinger. Uh-uh, you were too busy making big movies, and coming in for a little cameo appearance. You were too busy walking on the dark side. I should have known when you referred to the Macho Man and the Total Package and me as three little dogs waiting for a chance to wrestle the great Hulk Hogan. I should have known when I looked into your eyes, but you know something I made a mistake. But you made a bigger mistake, because last night you wiped out and trashed every single little kid, every single person that was a part of your life, that patterned their life after you! You told them to believe in the man upstairs! You told them to say their prayers and to take their vitamins! You told them to believe in themselves and you know something? It’s a good thing you told them to believe in themselves, because they sure as heck can’t believe in you! And last and not least, to put the cherry on the top, all those little kids, you told them to stick it. No, you stick it Hulk.” 

Word. To be honest, based on Sting’s evidence, everybody really should have guessed that Hogan was going to be the third man. Did he actually make the little dogs comment? 

Gene tells Savage “you really got it stuck to ya”. That’s our Gene, he doesn’t mince his words. Savage says “I’ve got a message for Hollywood Hogan...”

“What I wanna tell ya, and I wanna do to ya, I can’t say on television, especially here at Disney.”

“But you take the worst thing that you can think about, and you multiply it by the number nine million, and then you multiply it by infinity and beyond...”

Yeah, Savage just quoted Buzz Lightyear in this supposedly serious promo.

“It would be just like one grain of sand in the Sahara Desert brother, because it’s  really really scary, what I’m thinking and gonna do to you, yeahhhh!”

Sting and Savage hold each other whilst Gene talks about emotions being high. 

We go to a break. I guess the Outsiders just... left? Oh, no, they’re just chilling with Gene.

Wait, what? Bischoff and Heenan are leaving puddles of piss on the floor and talking about not having enough security to handle these guys, and Gene is just standing around with them? Okay. Nash looks like he wants to give Gene a noogie. He totally should. I like how Nash is wearing a fanny pack. Was that cool in 1996?

Gene says that since the outsiders turned up, things in WCW have started to crumble, but he doesn’t think it will continue. Nash says he begs to differ. He says WCW took a beating at the Bash at the Beach, and the fans took a beating too. He says Hogan built professional wrestling and nobody appreciates it. He says next week the third member of the “New Order” will be at Nitro, and they’ll see what WCW can put up against them.

Hall says that this portion of Nitro is brought to us by the Outsiders and Hulk Hogan. He also calls Gene “chico”, which is something he’ll eventually stop doing. Believe it or not WWF sued over stuff like that, saying he was channeling the Razor Ramone character which belonged to the WWF and not WCW.

Hall says WCW should be begging them to come through the door. Gene brings up Jimmy Hart’s comment about him not having a job, again - really, Gene? This isn’t the time. Hall calls him “Scheme Gene” and says he’s got a job with the New World Order. I would have liked to have seen Mean Gene in the nWo. He turns it down flat by saying “I’ll continue to work for Turner Broadcasting”.

Gene asks where Hogan is, and Nash says he’s working on a movie. Hall says Savage is jealous of Hogan, and that Luger didn’t get hurt at the Bash at the Beach, he just fainted when he saw the Outsiders. Video evidence suggests otherwise, but okay.  

We cut back to Bischoff and Heenan. They show slides of the Bash at the Beach main event, including Hogan’s heel turn. They’ve been talking about it so often during the broadcast that this really isn’t necessary. Even if you hadn’t watched the fucking PPV you’d be able to describe the main event minute by minute just through the amount of times it was mentioned during this show. 

Heenan goes on a rant about how Hogan didn’t build wrestling, everybody else in the business did. Then the show ends. Anti-climactic. Why were Bischoff and Heenan so concerned about the Outsiders arriving, and there not being enough security? The pair of them were very quickly escorted back to their limo, with no issues, then had a brief interview with Okerlund before the show ended. Big deal. 

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

Bash At The Beach 1996 Results

So, I figured for continuity’s sake I should have the results of the PPVs here too. I’m not going to review them because it would take forever, but I’ll fill out the results and anything relevant.

Rey Mysterio Jr def. Psychosis via Pinfall.

John Tenta def. Big Bubba via Pinfall in a Nobody Cares Match.

DDP def. Hacksaw Jim Duggan via Pinfall in the second Nobody Cares Match of the evening.

The Nasty Boys def. Public Enemy via Pinfall.

Dean Malenko def. Disco Inferno via Submission to retain the Cruiserweight title.

Steve McMichael def. Joe “Jobber” Gomez via Pinfall.

Ric Flair def. Konnan via Pinfall after outside interference from Woman and Liz to win the US title.

The Giant/Kevin Sullivan def. Arn Anderson/Chris Benoit via Pinfall when the Giant chokeslammed Anderson to score the win. Benoit continued to attack Sullivan after the match, until the Giant interfered to stop the assault.

Sting/Luger/Macho Man def. the Outsiders and their mystery partner via DQ. Luger got “injured” early on and carried out on a stretcher, leaving Sting & Savage Vs Hall and Nash, as their mystery partner was apparently in no rush to come out. Eventually Hulk Hogan revealed himself as the Outsiders’ mystery partner, and after dropping some leg drops on Savage, Mean Gene gets into the ring (of course) to get the scoop. Fans are throwing a lot of trash in the ring. Hogan tells Gene “I’m bored, brother. That’s why these two guys here, the so called Outsiders, these are the men I want as my friends. They’re the new blood of professional wrestling, brother. We will destroy everything in our path Mean Gene. As far as I’m concerned, all of this crap in the ring represents these fans out here. For two years, brother, for two years I held my head high. I did everything for the charities. I did everything for the kids. And the reception I got when I came out here? You fans can stick it, brother. What you gonna do, when the new world organisation runs wild on you? What you gonna do?” 

“You can call this the new world order of wrestling, brother.”

Shit is about to go down.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 01/07/1996

The show starts off awkwardly as Tony says “You...” pause... “You are looking live!” ... we’re off to a good start. Anyway, this week WCW is coming to us from Landover, MD.

Your boys Larry Z and Big Tony are here to welcome us to the hottest wrestling program on the planet.

Bang.

Tony says the countdown to Bash at the Beach is on, and the wrestling world is talking about the “hostile takeover”. Larry starts talking about amazing new satellite technology, but he’s interrupted by a pissed off DDP. At first Larry pays no attention and keeps ranting, until Tony is like “bro, bro... shut up.”

DDP informs us that “the Lord of the Rings ring has been stolen”. So, wait a minute. I thought the whole “Lord of the Ring” thing was just a stupid pun, but are we now saying the Battlebowl ring is actually the ring from LOTR? Does the winner of the Battlebowl have to go to that huge volcano and throw it inside? Do they get any special powers from this ring? Not that I’ve seen, unless it grants the ability to beat jobbers. Shitty power if so. 

Anyhow, DDP says he wants the building closed and everybody strip searched. Since it’s the ring from LOTR wouldn’t the thief be invisible anyway? You’ll need a better plan than that, Dallas. Tony apologies for some reason and says they don’t have his ring. DDP retorts that people are jealous they can’t beat him for the ring, and so they stole it. Yeah, I’m sure. 

Anyway, DDP walks off yelling about his stupid ring, and we get to see a replay of last week. Tony tells us the tag titles switched hands, which is funny as they barely mentioned it at the end of the show last week. I guess somebody noticed and suggested they actually make people aware a title switch happened. 

And again, I have to point out:

Luger’s feet are literally being HELD OVER THE BOTTOM ROPE by Stevie Ray! How can the ref not see that? Why is the ref even counting when all this shit is going down outside the ring? As soon as anything out of the ordinary happens most referees in wrestling completely disregard the match and get distracted, so what’s up with this guy?

So many questions, but do the announcers bring any of the above up? No, of course they don’t. 

Larry tells us “there will be a New World Order this Sunday in professional wrestling”. Prophetic. Does this mean Larry Z came up with the nWo’s name? Did Larry know in advance that the nWo were forming? What a traitor. Tony tells us that Eric Bischoff is back for hour number two tonight. Yippee. Can’t wait.

Our first match is about to begin. Here’s a story of two brothers Ricky and Scott...

I like how they’re not THE Steiner Brothers, they’re just Steiner Brothers. That name looks weirder the more you stare at it. Some dude in the crowd is holding up the most pathetic looking title belt ever. 

Sad.

The opponents are the world tag team champions, Harlem Heat...

Booker is on his big ass mid-90′s “mobile” phone again. Why can this guy never finish his call before his entrance? 

Booker yells something inaudible into the camera as they come down the ramp, as does Stevie Ray. Larry claims he “invented the human game of chess inside that squared circle”, implying that nobody before him came into the ring with any form of tactics or intelligence. Really, Larry? He also claims that the nWo won’t reveal their third man for the six man Bash At The Beach main event because they’re scared. Could just be that they want it to be a surprise. 

Harlem Heat Vs the Steiner Brothers

Meanwhile...

Look at Steiner’s arm. Fuck. I’m surprised he doesn’t straight up just rip Booker’s arm off at the shoulder. 

Scott starts off strong, and Larry calls him a “strong guy”. No shit. That’s like calling Elton John slightly camp. Anyhow, Booker and Stevie Ray get dumped to the outside and the crow cheer in approval. 

We come back from a commercial break and see something truly shocking.

The horsemen are actually using their shitty VIP area! Benoit and Arn look like they’d rather be anywhere else. Not sure what Flair and Mongo are so interested in. Kind of harsh that Debra, Liz and Woman have to stand up. No offers of seats from the boys, fuck that. I guess they called shotgun. I know I’ve asked before, but why are there candles on the table? Either Lumiere has snuck over from France to attend Nitro or this is the most pointless prop ever. Candles in a brightly lit arena. Seriously. They aren’t exactly adding to the atmosphere, unless you find sitting in a row of four surrounded by sweaty, screaming wrestling fans particularly pleasant. Arn looks like that uncle at weddings who just sits on his own, constantly falling asleep. 

Back in the ring Harlem Heat are laying down a beating on the dog faced gremlin. Rick manages to tag Scott and his arms back in. He hits a belly to belly suplex on big Stevie Ray, then for some reason tags Rick back in.

Outside there’s more distraction, as Colonel Parker, aka the old school plantation owner, shows up with an unlit cigar pointing at something...

Weirdly it looks like a modern day smartphone but as this is 1996 I’m going to discount that as a possibility. Tony and Larry say that it’s his wallet. I guess he’s pointing at a picture, which is a bit creepy. In the ring, Rick gets decked with a harlem sidekick.

Booker goes up to the top but Rick cuts him off and hits a belly to belly off the top rope. Scott gets tagged back in but gets hit with a wicked looking kick. 

Right in the face. Booker’s feet are taking charge. Stevie Ray comes in and continues to beat on Scotty. Booker is back in again and hits a huge splash from the top. Booker and Scotty do the old double clothesline spot and struggle towards their respective corners to make tags, which they do. Rick Steiner cleans house, then the match starts to break down as all four men fight in the ring. Scott hits an impressive frankensteiner on Booker, then Rick hits his bulldog from the top rope. The Steiners set up for a double team move but Colonel Parker interferes and crotches Rick on the top turnbuckle.

Whilst Booker rides around on Scotty’s shoulders like a child with his dad at the zoo. Parker whacks Rick over the head with his cane, then Booker covers Rick to get the victory.

Harlem Heat defeat the Steiner Brothers via Pinfall.

Parker celebrates outside the ring with Harlem Heat. 

We switch to Mean Gene who is chilling with the Horsemen in the VIP Area. 

Mongo sips some champagne. Why not? Arn still looks really bored. The women are still forced to stand. We are shown a replay of the Horsemen beating up Joe “Jobber” Gomez and The Renegade. Mean Gene asks for Debra’s take on everything, which gets the response “I don’t know. What can I say? I just think my husband is the best player who ever played and he played for fifteen years of NFL”.  She says she’s a bit high maintenance but Mongo can make more money in WCW than the NFL. Thanks for that amazing insight, Debra. Mean Gene gives a very sarcastic thank you. Gene notes that Liz is having a good time at somebody else’s expense. Yeah, because standing around at this VIP table is just amazing. Liz makes a joke about Macho footing the bill.

Everyone seems to find this funny except Arn. Even Benoit is smiling. What’s got Arn so down in the dumps? Gene asks Arn about their big eight man tag team match against Joe Gomez, the Renegade and the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express. That might be it.

Arn says they aren’t the supreme court (can you imagine?) but they do run “the professionally wrestling world”. Arn threatens to literally chop their opponents heads off. Gene goes to Benoit who says “you’re looking at the man, the crippler, silent but violent”. Not particularly silent here - also, whenever he says “silent but violent” it reminds me of farting. Might just be my childish brain though. I thought Benoit was going to say more but nope, that’s it.

Next up is Mongo. Gene mentions that he’s looking “absolutely radiant” tonight, which is either some creepy flirting or code for “you’ve drunk too much champagne”.   

Hiccup. McMichael tells Gene that “money makes the monkey dance”. Okay. Do monkeys understand the concept of money? A banana would probably work better. Ditto for Mongo. Gene says “I don’t know if I want to talk about the monkey or the grinder”. I didn’t understand this at first, but googling would suggest the monkey is Mongo and the grinder is Flair. OK.

Anyway, it’s Flair’s turn. Gene claims that Macho Man is in the building and being “restrained before his match”. So a person or group of people are literally holding him down? Strange comment. Flair quotes Hogan, asking Macho “whatcha gonna do?” before recalling one of Arn’s famous sayings “what’s causing all this?” ... is that something Anderson says regularly? If so it’s probably just old age and genuine confusion.    

Flair stands on his chair and woos. Not at the dinner table, Nature Boy.

BLOOD RUNZ COLD. IN EACH OF US BURNS THE FURY OF A WARRIOR. GLACIER. 

Coming July 1996. 

Out comes Disco with his fake album.

Seriously, the art in the middle of that record looks like it was done by a five year old. I can just about see the “album cover”...

1,000,000 copies sold. Yeah, right. Disco dances in the ring like a buffoon before grabbing a mic and saying he knows everybody wants to see him dance. He then asks the audience if they want to see him dance. I thought he already knew? Anyway, the crowd boo. Turns out they don’t. Tony chimes in by saying “no we don’t, we want to wrestle!” ... OK.

Disco ignores all of this and asks for the music to hit so he can dance. Instead some ominous music comes on and Disco’s opponent makes his way out.

A Japanese guy called Kurasawa. Tony says he’s “dangerous” and Larry says Kurasawa “hates Disco dancers” without getting into specifics. I feel like that needs some elaboration, but fine. His actual name is Manabu Nakanishi and he’d soon head back to NJPW after this and have a long and successful career there which as of today’s date is still going strong. He also represented Japan in the 1992 Olympics (in wrestling, obviously) and had some WCW runs in 1992 and 1995. By the way, this is apparently what he looks like now...

Yeah. For the record, this is a perfect “... really?” face, and I will be using it going forward.

Back to 1996.

Disco Inferno Vs Kurasawa

The match starts off with a bunch of standing arm twists before Kurasawa kicks Disco to the mat and then chops him down for good measure. Check out these guys in the front row. 

All wearing white shirts. This amuses me for some reason. Anyhow, Kurasawa does this stereotypical Japanese pose.

Everybody was kung fu fightingggg...

Disco throws some weird looking air-chops and kicks, causing Kurasawa to be like...

Dafuq? 

Disco continues to get beaten up. He rolls to the outside, throws a tantrum and kicks the ring steps, which causes him to hop around in pain. What an idiot.

Anyway, Kurasawa throws Disco back in the ring and Disco gets in some very brief offence before getting hit with a samoan drop. Kurasawa is about to end the Inferno when Disco’s entrance theme starts playing. Kurasawa overreacts by grabbing the ref by the collar, as this guy walks out.

Suddenly the Disco ball drops from the ceiling...

And Inferno throws it into Kurasawa’s back. It doesn’t look painful in the slightest, but Kurasawa sells it like he was just hit by a sledgehammer. He goes down, Disco pins him and just what the fuck. Let’s move on.

Disco Inferno defeats Kurasawa via Pinfall.

Scotty Riggs makes his entrance to that awful American Males theme...

His expression says it all.

DDP is out next, still raging over his missing ring.

DDP is rifling through people’s pockets on the way to the (wrestling) ring looking for his (stupid) ring. We hear from DDP’s Bash at the Beach opponent, Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Hacksaw basically says he didn’t steal DDP’s ring because he doesn’t wear jewelry. Watertight logic. He says that he doesn’t wear rings, he carries a 2x4 and tape. Riveting stuff. Larry asks “did Duggan have a point?” ... does Duggan ever have a point?

DDP Vs Scotty Riggs

DDP smacks around Riggs, screaming “I WANT MY RING” ... yeah, we get it. Larry calls sportsmanship a “cancer”. Seriously, Larry should have been nWo. 

So yeah, this match is literally all DDP. Riggs gets practically no offence at all. Towards the end Riggs attempts a roll up, then hits a drop kick which knocks DDP to the outside, before springboarding off the ropes onto Page on the floor. Riggs throws DDP back into the ring and hits a little more offence, but then...

This one is over.

DDP defeats Scotty Riggs via Pinfall.

Tony claims Riggs took DDP to the limit. That is a blatant lie. 

Mean Gene is on the entrance ramp to get a word with DDP.

Page says that people are jealous of him. Gene ignores that and reminds DDP that he’s facing Duggan at Bash at the Beach in a taped fists match. Page says he doesn’t really care about that, he just wants his stupid ring. Priorities. DDP tries to frisk Gene, who threatens to call an attorney. A slight overreaction. 

Greg Valentine is out next, and he’s just ecstatic to be there.

#Charisma

Larry pretends that Valentine is going to be a challenge for Macho Man, but we all know who’s winning.

This guy. Still wearing the facepaint.

Macho Man Vs Greg Valentine

So, Valentine does get a decent amount of offence - but the ending is really weird. Valentine hits a perfectly normal looking belly to back suplex, but somehow knocks himself out. Macho goes to the top rope, hits the flying elbow...

And it’s all over. What a bizarre finish. 

Macho Man defeats Greg Valentine via Pinfall.

Hour number two begins, fireworks explode. Bischoff and Heenan take over from Tony and Larry.

Bischoff claims he got “overwhelming” support from people whilst he was off TV. Sure. Eric addresses Nash next and says “you’re seven foot tall, 350 pounds, who were you trying to impress? I hope you impressed someone, because you didn’t scare anybody. Sting isn’t afraid of you, Lex Luger isn’t afraid of you, and I know the Macho Man Randy Savage isn’t afraid of you”. Bischoff says “we’ll all be there” at Bash at the Beach and he’s looking forward to it. He repeats that Nash didn’t scare anybody. Heenan immediately contradicts this by telling Bischoff he can’t think straight because he’s petrified of the Outsiders. He also refers to Mongo as “Steve Michaels”. No relation to George. Bischoff says “we’ve got enough security, don’t worry about it” and says it’ll be settled at Bash at the Beach. Yeah, not quite.  

Suddenly the crowd turns en-masse to look at something behind the announcers. Heenan puts on his glasses and gets up to look. 

Surprise! Hall and Nash came walking through the crowd carrying popcorn and soda. 

Bischoff says “it’s live television, there isn’t much we can do about this”. Live television doesn’t mean no rules, Eric. If you want to kick them out you can do it. Security goes over to the Outsiders, but they present tickets and say they’ve paid to be here.

Hah. They could still be kicked out, obviously, but WCW security acts like the Outsiders just pulled the ultimate trump card and are now untouchable. Hall and Nash offer the security some popcorn...

That woman is not impressed. The guy next to Nash looks very intrigued for some reason. Some fan beside Hall actually does take some popcorn. Ha. 

We’re back with the announcers. Heenan says he doesn’t like Hall and Nash being behind them, and says they’re probably going to come after them. Unlikely. They would have to get through a lot of security. Although honestly, the security at the broadcast desk is, well...

Would you feel safe? A soccer mom and an old guy. Some security. The woman is kind of cute but wouldn’t be much good as protection.

The Glacier promo airs again. I’m sure the hype will be justified. 

Great way to start the second hour. No music for Tenta. Half of his head is still bald. Heenan claims Tenta could win the title if he “gets mad enough”. No.

Sorry but I am not watching this shit. What has Tenta done to deserve a world title match, other than weigh a thousand pounds and have a ridiculous haircut?

Giant Vs John Tenta

Match ends when Sullivan comes out to distract Tenta, Giant chokeslams, 1-2-3.

Giant defeats John Tenta via Pinfall.

Big Bubba hits the ring and shaves one side of Tenta’s beard.

Who does WCW think is being entertained by this? Nobody gives a shit about John Tenta. It’s not getting him sympathy. Let this feud die already. 

Gene is with Sullivan, Jimmy Hart, Big Bubba and the Giant.

Not exactly the Four Horsemen.

Jimmy Hart tells Benoit and Anderson that what just happened to Tenta is an example of what’s going to happen to them. Big Bubba tells Tenta “you have half a beard to go with that half a head of yours”. He corrects himself quickly but it got a laugh out of me. Bubba says that there will be “silver dollars on a pole” when he faces Tenta at Bash at the Beach, and the first one to get them can use them.

Big Bubba Vs John Tenta in a silver dollars on a pole match. To quote a great man, “that’ll put butts in the seats”.

Giant grabs the mic from Gene and yells at Tenta that he made a fatal mistake leaving the Dungeon of Doom, before screaming “DON’T CROSS THE DUNGEON OF DOOM”. Amusing in retrospect, but we’ll get to that. Giant then says “Big Bubba is going to shave your entire body”. What. Just...

Yeah, Gene’s expression says it all here. 

Giant says “taskmaster, I always told you, never trust a horse”. 

Never trust a horse.

Anyway, Giant says he will always have the world title (lol nope) and just rants about beating up the Horsemen at Bash at the Beach. Then he walks off.

Sullivan starts to threaten Benoit and Anderson but keeps getting distracted by something and makes absolutely no sense. 

Gene is not amused.

Suddenly Sullivan, Hart and Bubba just walk away. Giant is back though.

He tells Benoit that if he “wants a piece of the taskmayer (sic) that’s your problem” and says something about the fire burning in Sullivan’s soul being too much for Benoit. Hart comes out and basically drags Giant away. The usual strange and crazy promo from the Dungeon. I love it. Never trust a horse, and don’t cross the Dungeon, or they’ll shave your entire body. 

They plug WCW Saturday Night, then pan the crowd, and, uh...

What the fuck is going on here?

After this parade of maniacs concludes, we get a Rey Mysterio Jr promo. Ah, Rey when his knees weren’t held together by duct tape. What an athlete.

As the promo is airing Bischoff suddenly yells “stop the tape!” and we cut back to the announcers desk...

Hello. Whoever this curvy woman is, she realises she shouldn’t be there and scrams. Amusing.

Gone. A shame.

Bischoff yells for security. Somehow the Outsiders have got a live mic. Where in the world did they get this from? How did they retrieve this without any security noticing? I don’t know, but Nash says “looks like we’re taking over early!” as they match through the crowd towards the announcer’s desk. Hall points at Bischoff and says “hey big mang, look, Donny Osmond’s back!” 

Maybe it was funnier in 96? I dunno. 

Security try to grab Nash but he swats them away like flies. They’re so scrawny it’s just embarrassing.

Luger, Sting and Macho Man come out and Nash repeats “look at the clowns!” three times, I guess because of their face paint. It wasn’t even funny the first time. The Steiner Brothers appear to join in with the fun. Security are for some reason holding the WCW guys back too. The Dungeon of Doom and DDP arrive on the scene, with Nash yelling “is this the best you got?”

I like how Rick Steiner has just come out in his boxers.

The crowd start chanting, but I’m not sure whether they’re chanting “diesel” or “weasel”. Bischoff claims it’s “weasel”, but I think it’s probably “diesel” - which was Nash’s WWF name. At this point WCW still hadn’t named Hall or Nash due to legal issues with the WWF, so the fans would have still known Nash as Diesel at that time.

Hall and Nash are bundled out of the building. There’s a commercial break, and when we return Gene is in the locker room with Hacksaw. Why?

Hacksaw charges into shot and lets us know he’s just been in the toilet “relieving” himself. What a way to start a promo. Whilst taking a piss and/or shit, he says he looked down and found...

I’m guessing this is DDP’s LOTR ring. Duggan is wearing it, so why isn’t he invisible? Why? I really wish he was. Duggan talks but I don’t care. DDP comes into the room and demands the ring back. Hacksaw throws it on the floor, then when DDP is picking it up wraps his fist in tape and...

Clocks DDP. 

Feud of the decade.

What a crew.

Well, it’s more like Woman, Debra and Liz with the Four Horsemen, but I’m okay with that. The three women would probably go over the Jobber Express anyway.

The Four Horsemen Vs the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express & Joe Gomez & Renegade

You wouldn’t believe how long this match lasts. Nearly 20 minutes. Gomez and Renegade would never have it this good again.  

Somehow the ending to this gets totally botched, and it’s hilarious. The Ultimate Renegade cleans house on the Horsemen, the RnR Express come in to take out Arn and Benoit. Renegade goes to the top rope to do some move on Flair. Mongo is clearly meant to hit Renegade with his metal briefcase to knock him off the top turnbuckle, but instead... 

Mongo inexplicably throws the briefcase as Renegade jumps. I think he’s trying to hit Renegade, who has probably jumped too early, but the briefcase totally misses and goes flying across the ring. Renegade meanwhile inexplicably flips over in mid air and lands on his back, hurting himself for no obvious reason. It’s just amazingly bad. Flair slaps the figure four on Renegade, who submits instantly, and your winners are the Horsemen.

The Four Horsemen defeat the Rock ‘n’ Roll Express & Joe Gomez & Renegade via Submission.

Gene is with the Horsemen once again.

Gene suggests that Mongo’s former coach would be disappointed in him if he’d seen what happened tonight. Mongo basically says he doesn’t give a shit and the Horsemen are his team now. Fair enough. 

Benoit says that he hasn’t beaten Sullivan badly enough yet, and that as far as the Giant is concerned “the gold is coming back to where it belongs”. Arn basically repeats what he said earlier. Flair is apparently facing Konnan at the Bash for the US title. Flair says he’s going to win the belt and then transitions straight into talking about the Sullivan/Giant Vs Arn/Benoit match. 

Flair says that he was speaking to a girl who kissed Benoit on the cheek and she said Benoit was “silent... but deadly”. Again, it sounds like he farted or just stinks in general. Flair even does a little giggle after he says it. The segment ends with Woman fondling Gene. Honestly, what was the point of having two Horsemen segments where they said the same things? 

We’re back with Eric and Bobby...

Bischoff hypes Bash at the Beach, and Heenan hypes the mystery of the third man. 

We suddenly cut backstage where Hall and Nash are apparently still causing problems.

How hard is it to eject a couple of people when there’s about a thousand security personnel? Apparently very difficult as the Outsiders are still in the arena despite being told to leave about 30 minutes ago. Hall and Nash make jokes about the cops salaries and offer to buy them doughnuts. No dice. The cops walk Hall and Nash to their car and tell them to hurry up and get in. Nash says “I’ve got bad knees”. You ain’t kidding.

I thought we’d see some kind of brawl here to end the show, but nope...

Hall and Nash just drive off. The End.

[welcometowcwmondaynitro]

WCW Monday Nitro 24/06/1996

WCW Monday Nitro comes to us this week from Charlotte, North Carolina, aka Flair Country. Woooo!

Tony and Larry are once again allowed to sit at the adult table. Tony informs us that Bischoff is once again absent and so he'll be doing the entire two hours, with Heenan taking over for Larry in the second hour. I can't imagine many people are particularly disappointed by Bischoff's non-attendance. Tony says he hasn't had a chance to talk to Bischoff and he isn't sure how long he'll be gone for. I find it hard to believe that Schiavone couldn't have gotten in touch with Bischoff if he really wanted to, but okay.

Tony calls the upcoming Bash at the Beach PPV the most important event in WCW history. Normally this type of talk is just hyperbole, but all things considered he isn't far from the truth here. Larry starts talking about Alexander the Great crying about having no new empires to conquer, then continues: "There's a big world out there to conquer now Tony. The history of professional wrestling has been called upon to make a change, and the generation going into of the next millennium will realise, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is where the big boys play". Tony responds "no doubt" but I'm not sure any of that really made sense.

The announcers recap what happened at the Great American Bash, showing the footage of Hall and Nash challenging the WCW guys for a match at Bash at the Beach, then beating up Eric Bischoff. Never gets old. Tony calls it "disgusting", but apparently not disgusting enough to replay over and over again.

We cut to Mean Gene who is standing by with Hall and Nash's opponents at Bash at the Beach - Sting, Lex Luger and Macho Man...

For some unexplained reason they are all wearing Sting's facepaint. Macho is always wearing bright colours so it actually doesn't look so out of place on him, but Luger looks ridiculous - and his expression suggests he knows it.

Macho Man says that much like North Carolina is Flair's Country, WCW is their country. Not exactly, Macho. Apparently they are "united by the facepaint of the Stinger", and that's as coherent as Macho Man gets, as he ends the interview by randomly mentioning Ric Flair and Steve McMichaels before telling Sting and Luger "divide and conquer, that's what we're going to do, right?"

High fives all around, whilst Gene stands awkwardly in the middle. Savage walks off yelling something about Wall Street. Gene asks Sting about Scott Hall, and for some reason at the same time they show footage of Hall talking. Just before the footage starts Luger jiggles his pecs. Fantastic. Sting yells over this that he doesn't mind somebody making a statement, but that "a grown man does not come to make a statement, not to mention a physical statement, to a commentator. Why not try to pick on a wrestler?" - fair point. During the flashback footage, I can't help but notice...

The cop in the middle has definitely been hitting the doughnut stand. I love how he's just pushing Sting back totally nonchalantly, as if to say "I'm too old for this shit". Meanwhile the black cop appears to be giving Hall the people's eyebrow. Awesome.

Anyway, Sting asks why the Outsiders want three opponents when they only have two. He says that Macho, Luger and himself are frothing at the mouth. They might want to get that looked into. Finally, Luger - whose mouth doesn't appear to be frothing - says that the three of them are unified and that "WWCW stands tall".

Pause. Sting and Gene are both clearly unimpressed. Luger clarifies that they are "unified as a unit" and that they are the very best - "isn't that right, Stinger?". Sting pauses then unconvincingly says "Yesss, the very best" and is about the repeat that stupid line about big boys playing before Scott Steiner and his arms interrupt proceedings. Rick Steiner walks in behind him.

Steiner advises Sting that he and his brother will watch their back against Hall and Nash, but that tonight the belts are on the line and Sting and Luger had better concern themselves with the Steiner Brothers. For some reason Rick Steiner starts to say he "could care less about the belts" before Harlem Heat enter the scene. This is becoming rather crowded.

Booker T yells at an unnecessary volume that he and Stevie Ray have a score to settle with "this punk here" - pointing at Rick Steiner. The six of them begin shouting at each other and the interview segments ends with Gene sternly telling them to "knock if off!" like a grandfather trying to get his unruly grandchildren under control. Back in the arena Schiavone announces that Sting/Luger Vs the Steiners Vs Harlem Heat is scheduled for the main event. Makes sense.

Stereotypical British music plays and out come the Blue Bloods (Steven Regal, Dave Taylor and Jeeves).

Some other dude is with them, looking somewhat out of place in a suit as opposed to whatever the hell the others are wearing. I don't know who this guy is, but...

He notices the ridiculous VIP area and basically asks what the fuck is this? Good question. Look at those candlesticks. Nothing like a romantic touch whilst eating right in the middle of a load of sweaty wrestling fans. Seriously, somebody on the other side of the guard rail should hop over and dig in.

The opponents are Public Enemy...

Who for some reason get pyro.

Apparently the dude with the Blue Bloods is Earl Robert Eaton. Looked it up on DDT Digest.

The Blue Bloods Vs Public Enemy

Going to be honest here and say I have no interest in watching this match, so I skipped to the end. Taylor gets hit with a cast that's on Grunge's hand, Public Enemy win. The crowd cheer, but realistically who cares? I'm just sad that Regal isn't getting any more mic time. Can't blame WCW, but still...

Public Enemy defeat the Blue Bloods via Pinfall.

Grunge yells at the camera before walking away. Harlem Heat cut a "Coming Up!" promo...

Booker says that the Steiner Brothers are "back from the dead" - possibly confusing them with the Undertaker - and says they're getting their gold back tonight. Stevie Ray adds "we won it before, and we'll do it again". Succinct and to the point.

Sigh. This dude. Sullivan storms to the ring with an expression like a guy who needs a shit and is making a beeline to the toilet. Larry reckons that Sullivan "watches Old Yeller and laughs at the end". Apparently this proves how demented he is. It just makes him kind of dumb, imo, but whatever. We all have to get our kicks somewhere.

Sullivan gets into the ring, where his opponent is already waiting. Schiavone calls him "Chip Amie". What a jobberific name. Sullivan comes in and kicks Chip in the gut, tossing him out of the ring as the bell sounds to start the match.

Kevin Sullivan Vs Chip Amie

Sullivan throws Chip over the guardrail and they brawl into the crowd.

At first I thought this dude was aggressively giving Sullivan the two finger salute, but I think he's actually throwing up the four horsemen sign. Or telling Sullivan how much he paid for that ridiculous shirt. Who knows.

Sullivan leads poor Chip all the way up into the stands, and then out into the concession area. For some reason rather than count them out, the referee just follows. Sullivan leads Chip over to the bathroom - maybe he did need a shit after all? But, oh no...

That's the women's bathroom. These two hench bros try to stop Sullivan, so instead the Taskmaster rams Chip's head into the Women's sign and then brawls with him some more.

The guy at the food stand is pretty chilled about the whole thing. No big deal. For some reason Sullivan finally decides to listen to the referee and goes back to the ring whilst Chip is left sprawled out on the concrete. At least when he wakes up he won't have far to go to get a hot dog. Schiavone claims that Sullivan has been disqualified, even though no official announcement was made, so...

Chip Amie defeats Kevin Sullivan via Disqualification.

Mean Gene is in the ring with Jimmy Hart. He suggests that Sullivan has a "fixation with restrooms"...

Indeed. The Mouth of the South ignores Gene's childish (even if true) remark and says that they came to the home of the Four Horsemen and that they'll "walk in and walk out alive". Seems like a reasonable expectation. Sullivan yells at us to "LISTEN!"

Gene is looking at those stupid eyebrows painted on Sullivan's forehead and thinking "dafuq?"

Sullivan brags about what he just did in Horsemen Country. Lose by disqualification to a random jobber? Yeah, good job Taskmaster. He says that he "lives and dwells" in Daytona Beach, and then starts talking about "a ploy"... honestly I have no idea what he is talking about, and I don't think he does either. Mercifully the crowd start chanting "we want Flair" and Okerlund reminds Sullivan that if he and the Giant lose to Benoit and Anderson at Bash at the Beach the Giant will have to put up the title the next night on Nitro.

Sullivan says that everybody wants to see Flair wrestle the Giant, but "it's not going to happen and it's not going to be pretty". He then does this creepy smile.

Unsettling.

Jimmy Hart adds that if he has to hear Flair say "Woman oh Woman" and talk about Space Mountain one more time, he'll choke himself to death...

Where's Flair when you need him?

Meanwhile, our world is about to change...

Oh boy.

Out comes "Hardwork" Bobby Walker, applauding and cheering himself. I suppose somebody has to.

His opponent is the Ice Man, who as always appears vaguely annoyed to be there.

Tony is worried about Hall and Nash, but due to the legal situation with the WWF has to keep referring to them as "those two gentlemen", which sounds pretty silly. He says that he's "so glad security is here". Yeah, because they've done a great job so far of keeping Hall and Nash in line. You might want to have a back up plan, Tony.

"Hardwork" Bobby Walker Vs Dean Malenko

Hardwork and Malenko hook up, and eventually the commentators actually get around to talking about them. Larry likes Malenko. Malenko takes control of the match, tossing Hardwork to the mat a few times and then putting him in a chinlock. The announcers understandably become bored of the match and start talking about Sting and Lex Luger.

Larry calls Sting "emotionally erratic", which Schiavone calls him out on. Larry explains that Sting's completely legitimate concerns over Lex Luger's loyalty over the past few months is why he thinks he's emotionally erratic. It's called having common sense, Larry.

Anyhow, Malenko is stretching Hardwork with a few moves. What a terrible night this has been for wrestling so far. The Blue Bloods Vs Public Enemy, Kevin Sullivan Vs Chip Amie and now this. What a waste of Dean Malenko. Tony tells us Sting and Lex Luger are tag champs - "together" - yes Tony, generally that is how it works.

Malenko puts Hardwork off in the Texas Cloverleaf. The match is all but over, until Malenko is distracted by...

An Elvis impersonator. Oh, wait, it's just Disco. Apparently he's challenging Malenko for his Cruiserweight championship at Bash at the Beach. So many questions here. First and foremost, what the hell has this idiot done to deserve a title match? He loses literally all of the time. Secondly, does he even qualify for cruiserweight matches? Thirdly... you know what, I could go on for a while. The point is, Disco sucks and there's more chance of Schiavone winning the cruiserweight title than Disco.

Whilst Dean is distracted, Hardwork attacks and hits him with a back body drop followed by a drop kick. As they continue to wrestle, Disco asks for the production team to hit his music. They do. Why? What possible reason could they have to follow that instruction?

Disco gets in the ring and starts dancing whilst Malenko and Hardwork continue to fight.  At one point Malenko executes a monkey-flip on Hardwork, who lands on his feet and inexplicably...

Stares confusedly at Disco whilst Malenko drop kicks him in the back. Seriously, this guy dumb. On the plus side, Hardwork falls into Disco who tumbles to the outside. Malenko then hits a Northern Lights Bridge Suplex and thank the good Lord this one is done.

Dean Malenko defeats "Hardwork" Bobby Walker via Pinfall.

Schiavone says Malenko is "very angry", but his expression suggests mild irritation at most. Okerlund has made his way to the ring for an interview.

Malenko starts to talk about how mad he is with Disco's conduct, but watch out Dean! Malenko notices Disco before Mr. Inferno smashes that gold record over his head. He warns Disco "don't you... ever think so". OK. Disco laughs and says "okay, Mr. Personality" - burn. Apparently Disco's on a "shake your booty" tour and his new CD just went gold. I'm not convinced. Inferno wrongly suggests people want to see him dance, but correctly points out that Malenko and Walker were "stinking up the joint". Disco says he figured it was a perfect time to come down and "do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight".

Keep in mind he was dancing in the ring with Malenko, Hardwork and Randy Anderson.

Disco says if Malenko is upset with that then "excuuuuuuuse me" - just like Link in the cartoon Zelda series. It would have been 10x funnier if he'd added "princess" at the end, but also 10x creepier due to the "make love" comment earlier. Okerlund calls Disco "introverted" as he leaves the ring - what? That's about as accurate as Zybszko calling Arn Anderson an Endomorph.

Malenko tells Disco he's the man of a thousand holds, but it'll only take one to take Disco out at Bash at the Beach. We live in hope.

WCW Saturday Night is advertised. Sting, Luger, Rey Mysterio Jr - so far, so good - Earl Robert Eaton, John "hold the seafood" Tenta... damn it WCW.

I don't even know what happened to Tenta's face.

Schiavone notes that "we are still in the first hour". Thanks for reminding me, Tony.

Out comes the Barbarian...

He faces Eddie Guerrero...

Who's still in generic happy-to-be-here face mode. Make this guy a heel, stat!

What strange match making though. Guerrero facing the much larger Barbarian? Could they not have come up with a more suitable opponent? This isn't the jacked Eddie Guerrero of the early 2000's, this is relatively normal Eddie Guerrero from 1996 WCW - complete with sparkly red vest.

Larry talks about man being a well-shaved gorilla. Tony asks "where do you come up with these things?" to which Larry nonsensically replies "it's not easy being a legend". Whilst this conversation happens, Barbarian chases Guerrero around the ring but is unable to catch him. Eventually he does get hold of him...

Eddie slips out of this and tries a roll-up, but Barbarian just stands there looking somewhat amused and then tries to punch Eddie's head. Instead he punches the mat. What a dunce. Eddie manages to hit a couple of drop kicks and gets a two count. He tries a cross body but Barbarian catches Guerrero and slams him into the corner turnbuckle. Eddie gets hit with a brutal powerbomb...

Seriously, he might actually have whiplash. Larry says he "knocked the atmosphere out of the lungs of Eddie Guerrero". I'm pretty sure that is not a saying. Most people would use the word "wind" as opposed to "atmosphere", but at least Larry hasn't resorted to calling anybody an endomorph yet. Arn Anderson is up later but I think Heenan will be in position by then.

Pump handle slam time. Eddie gets smashed to the mat again. He's taking some serious punishment here. Guerrero kicks out at two. Barbarian tries to run into Eddie in the corner, but Eddie moves out of the way and slams into the turnbuckles. Guerrero jumps on Barbarian's back and tries the spot where he swings around to the front and performs a hurricanrana. Barbarian doesn't sell it properly and it looks like shit. The fans actually booed because it sucked so hard.

Eddie hits a side slam and then slowly goes to the top rope, assumedly for the frogsplash. Barbarian gets up in time and drops Eddie dick first onto the top turnbuckle. Barbarian climbs up to the top rope and...

Eddie takes another brutal bump. Guerrero rolls out of the ring, probably wondering why he ever started wrestling. Barbarian ends up getting Guerrero up on the top and goes for a Superplex, but he doesn't get Guerrero high enough and Eddie lands on top of him...

This looked like a botch but I think it was the legit finish, as the ref counts three and Guerrero wins. Fair to say Eddie earned his pesos in that match. Larry says Eddie was "lucky", Schiavone says he "earned the win". The usual consistency from the announce team. Larry says Eddie made some mistakes early in the match which made winning much harder.

Eddie Guerrero defeats the Barbarian via Pinfall.

Okerlund is in the ring and claims that Larry said Guerrero's "technical mechanics are simply superb". He said no such thing, Gene. If anything he said the opposite. They show the ending of Uncensored where Guerrero was pinned by Konnan after the latter's chin smashed into the former's balls. No, seriously.

Chin to the balls, then pinned for the 1-2-3. Why is Gene even asking about this? He's just being an arse. He asks Guerrero to explain it, as if we really require a commentary. Guerrero tells Gene that "I kinda got hit where all male men don't like to get hit". Firstly, what other type of man is there than a male man? I suppose in this transgender future we live in it's possible to be a female man, but not in 1996. Secondly, Eddie, some men do like that kind of thing. Not me, for the record.

Gene says "I don't want to make light of it", which is a blatant lie.

Check out the two dudes either side of Guerrero. One has his face painted green like the incredible hulk, the other is wearing his t-shirt on his head. Why, on both counts? Anyway, Eddie says he deserves another shot at Konnan's US title, which receives scattered boos for whatever reason.

Next up, Benoit and Anderson take on an entire genre of music.

The Horsemen's music hits, and the crowd pops big.

Anderson does the YMCA. Benoit does not. Mongo loiters in the background.

Larry claims that Mongo "makes the Horsemen a complete unit" and "brings them to full power". Does this mean that anybody making up the fourth number achieves this? Why not bring in Mike Tenay instead, since we're setting the bar so low?

The announcers claim that Kevin Greene is in the building, as if anyone cares.

The Rock 'n' Roll Express are out next. Apparently these guys were heart throbs in the Southern US. Those poor women. As you can see, the second hour count down is on. Because apparently WCW can only show one on-screen graphic at a time, the RnR Express do not get their names shown. Sometimes life sucks.

Hour number two begins as the RnR Express act like babyfaces and are promptly booed by the pro Horsemen crowd. Bobby Heenan joins Tony Schiavone and Larry Zybszko in the broadcast booth. They go straight to a break, as Heenan asks "when do I get to talk?"

Bobby Morton starts off against Benoit. Benoit knocks Morton down with a shoulder tackle, which causes green face and t-shirt head to go crazy. They're either high or drunk. Possibly both. The match starts off very slowly. So slowly that the production crew decide to treat us to a shot of the VIP area.

Just why? Look at those stupid sunflowers. I also find it amusing that they've done so much to dress up the table and then have those uncomfortable looking plastic chairs to sit on. Sweaty chairs judging from the streaks going down them. Lovely. Schiavone claims that Flair isn't coming out to watch the match because Macho Man is in the building. Yeah, because that's stopped him before.

Morton struggles to keep up with Benoit, before tagging in Gibson. Anderson gets tagged in and goes through a bunch of rough looking spots with Gibson. Honestly, it's no wonder WCW did not persevere with the RnR Express. These guys look out of shape and out of practice. Should have stayed in the 80's, forever.

The Horsemen dominate most of this match. RnR get a brief comeback spot, before a brawl breaks out and...

Mongo cracks Gibson over the head with the metal briefcase. The fans cheer. Benoit covers Gibson and gets the three count.

The Horsemen defeat The Rock 'n' Roll Express via Pinfall.

Joe Gomez suddenly comes out after the match and attacks Anderson. He then gets cracked on the back with the briefcase for his troubles. Gomez and his leopard print vest get slapped around a bit by Mongo.

After Gomez gets stomped on the mat for a few moments, Macho Man and Kevin Greene run out to chase the Horsemen off.

Zybszko points out it's a little late. What took these two so long? Greene is sporting a very manly moustache.

We're thrown back to the locker room where Mean Gene is chilling with Ric Flair and his harem of women.

I can think of worse places to be.

Gene claims they are in a "secured" area, but it just looks like the normal locker room to me. For some reason in WCW there are always t-shirts hanging out of the tops of lockers. Is this normal in the USA? It seems like it would actually require effort to do this, which baffles me.

Regardless, Gene asks Flair if he saw what just happened and Flair confirmed he saw "the Horsemen take charge" and that he takes his hat off to Mongo. Gene asks what the story is with Mongo and the briefcase. Flair says "that's for us to know, and you to worry about". I don't even understand what the question is here. Obviously Mongo is using the briefcase to attack people with. That's kind of been established. Pay attention Gene.

Flair says they will "mix business with pleasure" tonight, and then, off in the distance...

Gene spots a group of wild Horsemen.

Benoit, Endomorph and Mongo enter the picture. Mongo holds his fingers in Gene's face and asks if he can see his superbowl ring. Gene says of course, then claims he saw Michael Jordan giving the four horsemen salute. Did this happen? Mongo yells "what are you talking about?" and Gene literally jumps as Mongo screams that the horsemen "are everywhere, we're nationwide baby, we're an island unto ourselves. Nobody can stop us."

Gene tries to end the interview but Flair keeps chatting shit, until Gene yells "give it a rest". It's been a stressful night for him, but he tends to be kind of a dick a lot of the time so I can't say it's undeserved.

Larry has departed to go and play golf, or drink, or whatever it is "legends" do, and the broadcast team is down to Schiavone and Heenan.

Did you know Schiavone apparently had his chair purposefully put higher so that he never looked smaller than his broadcast colleagues? Tony was on the short side and felt that as the lead announcer he should always appear at least as tall if not taller than the others. True story.

Tony and Bobby continue to relentlessly hype Bash at the Beach. Heenan claims that all the WCW wrestlers "want to fight" and get rid of Hall and Nash. Strange that most of them are never around when Hall and Nash are intimidating announcers or powerbombing them off stages... but yeah. It also wouldn't be much of a war if everybody in the WCW locker room came out to fight all two men on the other side.  That aside, Heenan suggests Hall and Nash have the advantage at Bash at the Beach because their third partner is a mystery.

Schiavone rebukes this by saying "we are hungry". End of discussion.

Nah, only kidding, they continue to argue about it during the entrance of "das wunderbra" Alex Wright.

Heenan speculates that Hall and Nash's partner could be a "a critter, or some kind of animal. Who knows what they're going to come up with?"

Probably not a rodent or an animal, Bobby. But this is the same company that had Sting team up with RoboCop, so we can't completely dismiss the idea. I'd call it unlikely, though. Unless we're foreshadowing the return of the Shark? No, no... he's not a fish. He's not a fucking fish. He's a man. A 500 pound man.

Das Blunderkind's opponent is pre-face DDP.

Dat bowl haircut on the left.

Schiavone claims that Flair has won the US Title 48 times. What? Is that true? I can't be bothered to check, but it seems a little on the high side.

Wright tries a couple of roll-ups before drop kicking DDP out of the ring. Tony is still calling him the "Lord of the Ring". Just stop. Heenan says that Hall and Nash could take over Baseball, Football, Hockey and car racing. I think they're overestimating the time such a venture would take, and I doubt you could go into the NFL boardroom, powerbomb whoever the chairman is and take control. It might be worth trying though.

A forgettable match ends when DDP puts a diamond cutter on Alex Wright.

Bang. 1-2-3. Goodnight.

DDP defeats Alex Wright via Pinfall.

There are signs of Page beginning to get over with the crowd through the diamond cutter and his signature hand sign.

Of course, Mean Gene arrives once again for a post match interview. This guy is everywhere.

Gene mentions that DDP is facing "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan at Bash at the Beach, in a taped fists match that nobody cares about. Gene says that this is Duggan's specialty. DDP replies "yeah right, let's get one thing straight. If I put the diamond cutter on anyone, they got the life expectancy of a house fly". Gene replies "I just saw it". No, Gene, you did not just see somebody die after taking the diamond cutter. Pretty sure the future Berlin is still alive and well.

DDP asks how "one of the greatest wrestlers on the planet" (motioning to himself) "get stuck in a taped fists match?" Gene obviously doesn't know as he didn't book the match. DDP decides it's a "conspiracy" and says that Duggan's "bimbo mother was some taped fists champion". A bit harsh, although I wouldn't rule it out. DDP then says "can you imagine what she looked like?"

Gene doesn't respond but says "like it or not, that's the way it's gonna be". DDP advises Duggan to "tape your fists, tape your mouth, tape your whole body" - not sure how that would help - and finishes by saying "I'm the Lord of the Ring, and you're not taking it from me". That promo was all over the place, from the diamond cutter murdering people, to complaining about a taped fists match, to calling Duggan's mother an ugly bimbo taped fists champion (whatever that is) and then ending with the stupid Lord of the Ring catchphrase. Bizarre.

Another Glacier promo. BLOOD RUNS COLD. IN EACH OF US BURNS THE FURY OF A WARRIOR. GLACIER.

Gene is interviewing Kevin Greene. They show a replay of Mongo hitting Greene with the briefcase at the Great American Bash. Gene calls it "the shot that was heard around the world" in somewhat of an overstatement. Greene complains that Mongo already had enough cash from the NFL and didn't need to sell him out. Gene mentions that Greene has an American Football career to focus on.

Greene concurs and says he has a game plan: "I've gotta play this year for the Carolina Panthers, and we're gonna surprise some people, WE'RE GONNA KICK SOME ASS!"

Gene's expression as Greene says this is priceless:

"Kick some ass" is not TNT rated language in 1996. Gene is clearly aware of this. I have to add, also, what kind of game plan is "play for the team I'm already in, surprise people and kick ass"? - it's fair to say planning is not one of Kevin Greene's strengths. I'm surprised he didn't say "hit a 450 splash, lock in the figure four and watch 'em tap baby".

Greene continues: "Mean Gene, I want you to know something. Every time I sweat, every time I train, every two-a-day workout, every quarterback I drill (!), every running back I pummel, I'm going to remember Mongo's slimy, backstabbing face". He says after the season he's going on a "Mongo hunt. Lock 'n' load, cross hair on target, fire for effect".  Sounds like he's planning to actually kill McMichaels with a gun. Mongo might want to get a restraining order.

So, it's been a pretty boring show so far, but there are two girls cuddling up here so... that's nice.

Coming out of the entranceway is the man formerly known as IRS, now known as V.K. Wallstreet.

I think the VK is supposed to be a play on Vincent Kennedy (McMahon). As for Wallstreet himself, you can always tell a man has class when he wears a suit that has a big dollar sign emblazoned on the chest. That's a guy you want in your life. Arguably not the best wrestling attire, though.

VK's opponent is the Macho Man...

For some reason accompanied by Kevin Greene. Macho is still wearing Sting's facepaint. I assume he'll take that off at some point. Tony says that Savage will come down the aisle "literally sideways". No idea what he means by that and Savage does not. He walks down the ramp fairly normally. Also, check out the kid on the right throwing up the middle fingers...

First Greene slips in a "kick ass" and now middle fingers in the air. It's a bad night for TNT. This is the appropriate response for the matches we've seen so far tonight, though.

This kid looks like he's been forced to sit through multiple shitty matches and terrible promos. Oh, wait, he has.

Macho Man Vs VK Wallstreet

Macho obviously dominates most of the match. Towards the end Wallstreet rolls out of the ring and Greene rams Wallstreet's head into the post. Heenan complains about the interfere and Schiavone says "we're at war". Not with VK Wallstreet, Tony. Heenan asks if anything goes, and Schiavone says yes. Heenan then says he and Schiavone should jump Okerlund after the show and Schiavone replies "why not?" ... not sure why these two think that attacking Mean Gene will help win the war for WCW but there you go.

In the meantime, Savage hits the flying elbow drop...

And we have a winner.

Macho Man defeats VK Wallstreet via Pinfall.

It's time for the main event. It feels like this show has been five hours, for some reason. Might be something to do with the horrendous card.

First out is Harlem Heat...

For some reason Booker T is on the phone. Not sure how he can hear anything with the music blaring out from the speakers, but even if he can, this might be a good time to hang up. Amusingly it's one of those old mid-90's brick cell phones with the long antenna. I remember those. They sucked.

Next out... "here's a story of two brothers, Ricky and Scott"...

Last out, it's the tag team champions...

Luger, much like Savage, is still wearing his facepaint. Tony reminds us that "triangle match" rules means that whoever gets pinned first wins - meaning in theory neither Sting nor Luger need to be pinned in order to lose the belts.

The match starts with all the men pointing and yelling at each other. First two in the ring are Scott Steiner (accompanied by his Arms) and Booker T.  Steiner takes charge with a couple of hip tosses, but soon ends up eating a boot from Booker T. Steiner hits an underarm suplex and goes for a cover, but Luger breaks it up.

Rick Steiner and Stevie Ray are both tagged in by their respective partners. Ray puts a stomping on the dog faced gremlin, but Rick turns the tide with a german suplex. He tags Scotty back in, who then... tags Sting in. Not entirely sure of the logic behind that one. Sting also looks somewhat perplexed. Stevie Ray takes control and uses Sting as a punching bag in the corner.

Booker tags in, slams Sting against the ropes and goes for a side-kick. Sting ducks and Booker somehow propels himself across the ring so that he straddles the ropes.

Sting hits a reverse atomic drop, which Tony for some inexplicable reason calls an inverted powerbomb. I don't even know what that is. There are various back and forth moves between each team. The crowd at one point starts chanting "we want Flair" - who has only been seen in a backstage segment with Mean Gene.

Finally, Hall and Nash arrive.

They are carrying baseball bats. Sting notices the arrival of Hall and Nash and gets into the ring. Security storms into the ring and, as they do so, Booker T rolls up Luger for the three count (bottom left of the below picture).

A couple of problems here. Firstly, how can the match continue with all of this shit going on? Secondly, Luger's foot is blatantly well over the ropes. That pin should not count. But, regardless, it does... so, your winners and new tag team champions are Harlem Heat...

Harlem Heat defeat Sting and Lex Luger and Scott Steiner and Rick Steiner via Pinfall.

Booker T and Stevie Ray walk past Hall and Nash holding up their newly acquired belts...

Nash and Hall are more interested in using their baseball bats to break bones. Meanwhile...

Apparently the cops are getting ready to gun their asses down. America, fuck yeah. This is in no way completely ridiculous. Schiavone keeps claiming that nothing like this has ever happened before, which even by 1996 standards is total bullshit. I'm pretty sure the Horsemen were throwing down way worse than Hall and Nash back in the 80's. Should have had police there ready to pump their asses full of lead - that would have stopped the violence quickly enough.

We're back with the announcers. Heenan is shitting his underwear brown, scared that Hall and Nash are coming for him. Schiavone is more concerned with shilling WCW Saturday Night and WCW Pro on Sunday. Schiavone says that on July 7th at Bash at the Beach "when things change, there's going to be a new regime". Sounds like he's pulling for Hall and Nash as opposed to WCW. Surely he wants the old regime to continue? I don't know. A shot of the two announcers to end the show.

Can't help but think an in-ring shot of the wrestlers would have been more effective, but whatever. Thank god this one is over.