wenkitywenk-blog - Tumblr blog

[wenkitywenk-blog]

I'm trembling in fear and annoyance and frustration.

My fingers involuntarily shake as I pour out my feelings. My heart beats a crazy, quick yet steady rhythm.

I am a bookshelf; I have managed to arrange every detail of my life into chapters within books that contain too many of my secrets and adventures and journeys. I am the ocean; full of creatures so beautiful but deadly and dangerous with trenches and faults that go deep within the core of the earth. I am the sky; wide and vast and open-minded and welcoming. I let heavy rain pour down my face when I am exhausted and when I've had enough. I am human; I live to die.

Despite all of these, I remain to be one thing.

I am a mess.

I am a mess and I don't know how to arrange and fix myself.

You're to blame for this. I am to blame for this.

I let you break my walls and I let you in. I let you in despite the wreckage and chaos that you make me feel, that you make me experience, that I am aware of. I let you know my deepest, darkest emotions and dreams. I gave you the light to see within the crevices and cracks of my heart, to see not just me but my shadow as well.

I can't even recall breathing steady and rhythmically ever since you've been in my life.

Would you let me catch my breath before you steal it once again?

I let you ruin me. I let you in and I showed you my vulnerability because I trusted you and loved you I'm stupid.

Stupid enough to fall for you. Foolish enough to believe that I had a chance with you. Idiotic enough to feel that maybe you have the same feelings for me.

And now I'm in fear. I fear my feelings that are as deep as the ocean. I fear it for its beauty and pain and danger. I fear myself because I've started to miss you, for fuck's sake. I am in fear because you let me in too. I am in fear because you let me break your walls and you let me in with my feelings unknown to you. I am in fear because I got to know you yet I accepted who you are, what you are, what you have become.

I am annoyed at myself because I fell for someone like you. God, I am so fucking stupid and foolish for that. Of all the people that existed in this god forsaken world, my heart and my feelings chose you. And I am fucking thankful and happy in pain for that.

I don't know how you feel about me. Do you like me?? Do you hate me?? Do you think of me as a friend, a shoulder to cry on??

Or I am nothing to you but someone to waste and pass your time on??

Oh God how I miss our 3 am conversations and how we didn't really care about the damn world. I miss how my heart flutters in joy when you start to talk to me because I always fucking think I annoy people when I start conversations. I miss your laugh. I miss your smile. I miss how you rely on me.

I fucking miss you.

But I want to get rid of my feelings too. I want everything to stop.

Because it hurts.

It hurts and I'm getting ripped apart into little pieces.

It hurts and it's like being drowned in water; I can't fucking breathe and I'm struggling struggling struggling to breathe and to not choke on these emotions and tears.

It fucking hurts and I want this to not ever stop because it reminds me that I'm human, that I can feel something as amazing and as painful as this for someone who doesn't even know how I feel about them.

Ever since I told myself and the others that I'm gonna try and get over you and force emotions in me, you drifted away for some fucking reason as if a tooth fairy suddenly whispered to you that I'm going to try and be happy again without you rather than get your tooth underneath a pillow, as if Santa gave you a Christmas present and guess what's inside the small box wrapped in bright red paper with a green ribbon? Oh it's just this fucking girl trying to get over you.

Shouldn't I be overjoyed with this? You're fucking helping me to get over you. Look at me though, I'm sad over this shit; you drifting away.

And like anyone else, you're gone. You're gone and I'm going to try to cope up with that. You're gone and I'm going to get over you. I'm going to fucking try. I'm used to being alone and people being gone anyway.

Do you know how much you fucking affect me? God damn it, no.

But I'll silently try to fucking get over you and get rid of these feelings because they're amazing and blissful and full of hope and greatness and disturbing and painful and sorrowful and shitty.

I'm going to fucking think selfishly and think about myself and nothing else for the meantime to get over you. I'm not going to delete our conversations and your stupid and cute and adorable pictures. I'm not going to forget every single thing you said to me that made me fall for you. 

But I promise not to forget you because you changed me and for a period of time up until this time, you still have had me and my heart.

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

When I see you and hear your name, my hands shake, my fingers tremble, and my heart beats louder than ever.

As if music to my ears, my pulse quickens, my tongue gets tied, my head spins.

I don't know what has happened To my feelings, My sensical, logical, thinking Because of you.

You ruined me in the most beautiful way And it crushes me to death that I can't do the same.

I don't know you, not at all. You confuse me again and again And again and again and again.

I'd rather jump off of a cliff Knowing I'd end up splashing into The sea Welcoming me with open arms

I'd rather write about love And fear of losing someone And how his eyes crinkle And how he likes his coffee

I'd rather be a child Wishing, hoping, dreaming Beaming with faith In the world

But I can't be any of those. Because I'm here. Stuck. Thinking of ways to destroy thoughts of you.

But I can't destroy these thoughts. Your smile. Your eyes. Your gleaming, beaming face. Your laugh.

And I know so much, that if I don't destroy you, that I can't destroy you, I'd end up destroying myself.

[wenkitywenk-blog]

Love Poem Medley by Rudy Francisco

When I asked you for a Chai latte, what I meant to say was: ”I was walking past. I saw you in the window. I only came in here because I had to know what your voice sounded like.” But instead of saying that... Instead of saying that, I got really nervous and just ordered the first thing on the menu. I don’t even know what the fuck “Chai” is.. Or a latte, for that matter. When God made you, He cussed for the first time. He turned to an angel, gave him a high five and said: “Goddamn, I’m good!” You are that beautiful. I spent the last five days tryna figure out how I’m gonna introduce myself to you properly, and I think I’ve finally figured it out. It’s gonna be something like... “Hi.” That’s all I got so far, but I think it’s a good start.

You see, I want that... I want that my friends think I’m crazy kind of love. That reckless kind of love. That wake up early, make you breakfast kind of love. That crack open my life and say look, you gotta see this kind of love. Forget the shallow stuff, I want the deepest kind of love. That I want to stay up and tell you all my secrets kind of love. That every time I see you, I fall to pieces kind of love. I want that stand next to me kind of love. That you are my destiny kind of love. That no matter what happens, you always get the best of me kind of love. That you get my heart and my mind, this world gets the rest of me kind of love. That invest in me kind of love, because you already know that I’m invested in you kind of love. That you come home upset, you don’t have to say nothing, I already know what to do kind of love. I want... I want love. I want you to bite my lip until I can no longer speak. And then suck my ex-girlfriend’s name out of my mouth just to make sure she never comes up in our conversations. I want you to come to me like an afternoon, come to me slowly as if you were a broken sunset with a lazy sky on your shoulders. If you let me be your sunlight, I promise that I will penetrate your darkness until you speak in angel wings. Pull me close to you, tell me that you love me, and then scratch your future into my back so I can be everything that you live for. I promise that I will die for you daily and then resurrect in your screams. I promise that I will love you. I promise that I will love you as if it’s the only thing that I’ve ever done correctly. I’ll be honest, I’m usually not even a love poet. In fact, every time I try to write about love, my hands cramp. Just to show me how painful love can be. And sometimes our pencils break just to prove to me that, every now and then, love takes a little more work than planned. See, I heard that love is blind, so I write all my poems in Braille. And my poems, I never actually finish, because true love is endless. You see, I’ve always believed that real love is kinda like supermodel before she’s airbrushed. It’s pure and imperfect, just the way that God intended. You see, I’m gonna be honest, I’m not much of a love poet. But if I was to wake up tomorrow morning and decide that I really wanted to write about love, my first poem... It would be about you. About how I loved you the same way that I learned how to ride a bike. Scared, but reckless. With no training wheels or elbow pads so my scars can tell the story of how I fell for you. You see, I’m not much of a love poet. But if I was, I’d write about how I see your face in every cloudy reflection in every window. You see, I’ve written a million poems, hoping that somehow, maybe some way, you’ll jump out of the page and be closer to me. Because if you were here right now, I would massage your back until your skin sings songs that your lips don’t even know the words to. Until your heartbeat sounds like my last name. And you smile like the Pacific Ocean. I wanna drink the sunlight in your skin. If I was a love poet, I’d write about how you have the audacity to be beautiful even on days when everything around you is ugly. I’d write about your eyelashes, and how they are like violin strings that play symphonies every time you blink. If I was a love poet, I’d write about how I melt in front of you like an ice sculpture every time I hear the vibration in your voice. Or whenever I see your name on the caller ID, my heart... It plays hopscotch inside of my chest. It climbs onto my ribs like monkey bars, and I feel like a child all over again. And I know that this is gonna sound weird, but sometimes, I pray that God somehow turns you back into one of my ribs just so that I would never have to spend an entire day without you. I swear, I’m usually not a love poet, but if I was to wake up tomorrow morning and decide that I really wanted to write about love, my first poem... I swear that it would be about... It would be about you. And after all of that, she was like, “So how do you feel about me?” And I was confused. I said, “Let’s put it like this...” I want to be your ex-boyfriend's stuntman. I want to do everything that he never had the courage to do, like... Trust you. I swear that when our lips touched, I could taste the next sixty years of my life. See, last night, I had a dream. And in this particular dream, I died in my dreams, woke not knowing I was still sleeping, decided to walk. You see that night, I walked in my sleep, I slept in my walk, I walked backwards until I saw you for the first time, and I could barely muster the courage to introduce myself all over again. You see, I’ve been trying to find the right words. I’ve been trying to take the right steps for what seems to me like thousands of years, but something always seems to go wrong between us. We lived in Egypt, I was the Pharaoh's slave, you were his daughter. Loving you led to my death, they claimed that I seduced you, and after they stole my life, I was resurrected as a mason. I made the foundation for your house. We met eyes for two seconds, you left, and I didn’t see you again until I died. I came back as a caterpillar. I turned into a butterfly, I landed in the palm of your hands, you brushed me away, and the rejection killed me. When I awoke, I was a kick drum, you were a snare, we were both owned by this drummer named Cozy Cole, and when he died, so did we. But I came back just to look for you. I left notes in random places, hoping that you would stumble across them. I carved our names in trees, and then prayed that it would jog your memory. I whispered your name in the wind, hoping somehow, maybe some way, my voice would reach you, but it didn’t, and I died. I died early. I died young with breadcrumbs in my hand just hoping that you would find me, but you never did, so they buried me. And when they buried me, they put these coins over my eyes, and I used them as bus fare to get back to Earth, just so I can look for you. That’s why sometimes, when we hold hands, ever so often, I tend to hold on a little too tight, and I’m sorry. I just don’t want to lose you again. My mother told me, when you find the perfect woman, you do whatever it takes to make sure that she’s next to you.

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

I’ve become a person I said I would never be. I’m not the type of person people perceive me to be. I hurt, hurt, hurt. I damage, damage, damage. I destroy, destroy, destroy. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to stop it, I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. It scares me. It terrifies me. Growing up,  I’ve feared a lot of things, now that I’m older, the only thing I fear most is myself. Because who can damage, destroy and hurt herself and everyone around her without meaning to? Me. Me. Me. And it scares the shit out of me.

So what I do, is run. I run away, so fast. So fucking fast that I feel like I’m able to defy gravity and time and the spaces of friendships that could have been there but I destroyed it before it started or the gaps of friendships that I just left because I was getting too attached so I left because I’m scared, I’m a coward, I’m strong, I’m weak, I’m stupid, I’m brave. I want to be brave enough to stay in one place. And I lived like this for 14 years in my life and even though it was admittedly safe, it was getting really, really lonely too.

Sure, I was never in worry of people giving away my secrets because all my secrets are buried deep, deep in the darkest, dustiest corners of my soul. It’s so heavy goddamn so fucking heavy because all my secrets keep on piling up and I don’t have a safe place where I can dump it. I don’t have a safe place where I can just tell everything and wouldn’t worry if they would think I’m stupid or I’m weak or I’m broken because hell, we both are. Hell, because I know theirs too. Hell, because I just trust them so much that I’m so sure that they wouldn’t tell a single soul.  

But it gets really lonely; I don’t have my own 3 AM. Like the person I could talk to at 3 AM and just talk to them about everything and nothing at the same time. The type of conversation that never runs dry, the type of friend that you can spend time with and not utter a single word yet you still feel like it’s the best conversation you’ve had in years.

Sure, I never was in worry of people just cutting me out of their life because I’m always the one who does that. Like if I feel that I’m getting too attached to you. I will leave. I will pack my bags of conversations, feelings and memories and will jet so fast out of the door that people think I was just an illusion, a fleeting moment, one moment I was there, the other moment I wasn’t.  I being there and leaving was just like a blink of an eye.

I am worthless. People never ask me to stay. People always let me leave with the door opened so wide that I could see the whole world that I don’t want to go to. The world where I know I don’t belong. The world that is so cruel and caused me these bruises and scars in my heart and soul that I never let the light touch. It’s my fault. I forget people get tired of trying too. But not once, in my entire 14 years of existence did one say “hey, we haven’t talked in a while, how are you?” or “what happened you just dropped out from the face of the earth” or “are you okay?”. I know, I know, I probably won’t answer, I will probably ignore it but the mere fact that you bothered, that I still somehow exist in your world, will probably mean everything to me even though I won’t admit it.

I thought that was what I wanted; I thought that this is where I will be truly happy. But late at night, typing this post. I realized I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t even sad. I’m not feeling anything. I am numb.  And I want so much to feel pain, to feel pain that my knees will get physically week and I will tremble and my body will fail me and I will cry and cry and cry until my eyes are red and puffy until my head aches so much. But I can’t do that. I am numb. Before, this was what I wanted. But now, I’d give a thousand yesterdays to feel pain again. To feel that alive. To feel that human. Just to fucking feel.

I want someone to just be different you know, I want someone to spend time knowing me, I want someone to tell me that it’s okay to break and I can tell them anything and they wouldn’t judge. Hell, I know I’m strong but I want someone, no I need someone who will just hold me straight for seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years. I wouldn’t know because I’m breaking, I’m breaking, I’m breaking but thank God you’re here. To tell me that it’s okay. That I can handle everything. I need someone to just be there for me and to just listen. Someone who will never leave, someone who can be my friend no matter what I look like or what time of the day or night it is. Someone who will love me after hearing me curse and cry and scream at everything and nothing in this world. Someone who will tell me that I’m strong even after breaking down in front of them with bloodshot eyes and a runny nose and a hoarse voice.  Someone who knows that hugging me is probably the best thing to do when I’m sad. Someone who knows that I will always be there for them if they just please, please, please take time to be here for me to.

But at the same time I don’t want someone.  I don’t want to ruin someone. Because that is what I always do, get close to me and I will ruin you. I don’t want to push my darkness inside you. I don’t want to hurt, damage and destroy that beautiful soul of yours that deserves so much more than this shattered and dark soul that I have.  I don’t want to scare you away.  I don’t want to ruin you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to destroy you. I don’t want to damage you. But that is what will exactly happen if you get close to me.

I don’t know, I’m confused and it’s early in the morning and I just don’t know what I’ve typed. What kind of outrage I just typed. But it’s morning and we all know we never really know someone until we talk to them in the wee hours of morning.  Fuck, I say “I don’t know” too much and maybe it’s because that became my answer to everything. So here it is my thoughts and who I am in a whole post. Please don’t judge me.  I think I typed because you can only hold on to thoughts and secrets for too long, and I don’t know... 14 years is a really really long time to hold on to these feelings. So I’m letting it all out,  in the best and simplest and most comfortable way I could – through writing.

I am so sorry if this is so long I just can’t sleep and woah these thoughts are just in my head and I’m really really really sorry.

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]

I want to know you, but at the same time I don’t. I want to know you because I wanna know the 4 AM you who can’t breathe because the tears, the tears, the tears, the vulnerability and how everything just seems more genuine when you’re messy because you don’t care about how you look and what you say. All you wanna do is to get this poison out of your system, the words and the memories that scarred that beautiful heart of yours that I have come to love. That beautiful heart of yours that if by some miracle, will be mine, I will take good care of it because fuck, it’s yours. And you are just so damn special to me. I don’t want to know you for the same reason too.

  I have always been so guarded about everything, what I feel and what I think and I never really say the things I want to. So I find it beautiful and tragic and horrible and magnificent when someone does the exact opposite, if you fall apart in front of me and tell me things you’ve never told anybody before and just be vulnerable and raw and soft before me there is a big probability that I will fall so in love with you, I will fall so deep that I’ll never be able to climb out. I want to know you so we can spend time with each other, for me to know the real you, for you to know that I’m just here in case you need someone to talk to, that I’m just here when you need someone.

  I don’t want to know you because if I know you, I will fall for you deeper than I have already have and I can’t have that because we cannot happen. You and I don’t have a chance in working out. You and I shouldn’t even be in the same sentence, that’s how far apart we are, that’s how convinced I am that, never in a million years, will we happen. And I’ve already accepted that, arms wide open, and my bruised heart that’s already filled with scars agreed. If I know you, I will have this tiny little fire of hope in my heart that will whisper every time that I spend time with you, “well...you never know he might fall for you too”.

  No matter what I do, no matter how many times I bathe myself with water, I will never ever get this fire out. That scares me; it scares me how the mere happening of me knowing you can affect me so much, so much, so much that it hurts. It scares and humbles and horrifies and surprise me in a good way and a bad way and what am I typing I’m thinking of you and my hands are trembling because my thoughts are a mess and I can’t determine its path but it always somehow leads to you. I’m stupid I know, I’m stupid and reckless and delusional and ridiculous for falling for someone I have never even met before. I know, I know, I know but I can’t stop and I’m not even sure if I want to.

  When I think of you, I get a thousand reasons on why not to like you, and only think of maybe a couple on why I should continue. And well stupid me always think of the couple reasons to stay. There are a thousand glaring signs telling me to stop, stop, stop, stop but I can’t because I see you and I’m just goddamn how did this horrible, twisted, cruel world came up with something as beautiful and magnificent as you.

  I don’t want to know you, final but I'm not sure because my heart still bleeds with the thought of you. I don't want to know you because where I am is much, much safer for the both of us. These feelings of mine will remain though, that's for sure. Because you can't tell the heart to just stop because these feelings are so intense, and it will forever fascinate and horrify me on how this tiny little organ can hold so much emotions, on how this tiny little organ can outsmart your whole body and how it makes you irrational and stupid and giggly and I just want to stop. All I know is I don’t want to know you, because I’m scared that you might know me too. 

[wenkitywenk-blog]

[wenkitywenk-blog]