weskerrun - Tumblr blog

[weskerrun]

i love this dude too much

[weskerrun]

the thought of having a skinny dude with long-hair and similar musical interests is comforting

[weskerrun]

uh oh

[weskerrun]

long-ass post

I am going insaaaaane Allow me to indulge to you, my two followers of whom I know-from-in-real-life-but-never-really-do-anything-with-on-tumblr, what disjointed and edgy edgy edgy thoughts are and have been creeping into my head slowly over the past month or so. So! *claps* As you may or may not know, I’ve started working an overnight job as a stocker for a grocery store-- it goes from 10:00 to 06:00, and often over into 07:30 - 08:00 or later. Now, initially, this wasn’t too bad-- I was nocturnal, sure, but that’s basically me, anyways.

However.

I recently started my EMS Ambulance Ride-Outs and Clinical sessions at ORMC. This just means I ride with an ambulance and zoom around an ER for 10 and 8 hours that day whenever I have them. Luckily, they’re never two days in a row, so I usually (Usually) always have a day off in-between to sleep if I must... but therein lies the problem. With my overnight job working me through the entire night with a minimum of about 8 hours AND a combination of having to go into a 10 or 8 hr shift for my EMS...oh, and did I tell you that (prior to getting my work schedule changed), I’d usually have to go into work AFTER my ambulance/clinical shift? For about a fortnight, my schedule was as such Wake up at 8pm, get ready for work Work all night, next day arrives Go home at 6/7 (AM), get ready for Ambulance/Hospital Work hospital all day Go home at 6pm Proceed to get ready for ANOTHER overnight shift because it’s now the next day. Rinse, repeat. Now, like I said, though-- I talked to my managers because obviously a schedule like that leaves me almost literally no room to do free stuff or get enough sleep to, well, live. However, my new schedule, while it allows for a lot more sleep, is still effecting me. My schedule now, more or less, is stay up a night, sleep a night. One night of rest and one of non-rest. Now, this is basically just stacking missed nights of sleep together, and I think they’re starting to add up. And that’s not all, folks! There’s still a Part II as to why I’m slowly losing sanity! I, first and foremost, have an incredibly addictive personality and a unnatural inclination for drugs and drug culture. See where I’m going with this, huh? Since my sleep schedule is nine thousand kilometers past fucked, I take drugs to help me sleep and then I take drugs to keep me awake. Not to mention I still smoke cigarettes AND i’m burning my money like a motherfucker keeping up with this pot addiction. (Seriously. I’m spending way too much on weed. The next time one of you sees me in person, kick me in the fuckin’ nuts, would ya’?)  Combine this all with the fact that I have a history of existential crises and the fact that Umbrella Academy S2 came out and, while it was great, it’s also probably not a safe show for me if I’m not in the right state of mind. Klaus is insanely cool to me, I’d really like to be him, and the

***(UMBRELLA ACADEMY SEASON 2 SPOILER BELOW)***

spoiler line spoiler line spoiler line

scene where Vanya is dosed with acid while Butthole Surfers plays and then oh no suddenly all this dark shit is cool to me again But! I’m getting sidetracked, which leads me to my next point, and take this one with a grain of salt (this is all just an anecdote at how unhealthy I am right now because I haven’t really come to terms with it yet. I almost deleted that, i’m in a bit of denial) : I’m pretty sure I’ve experienced acute psychosis due to the combination of the aforementioned factors. And when I say acute, I mean it in the medical terminology. Nothing chronic by a long shot-- but hear me out here. I’ve been noticing the past week or so some...change in my life. I can’t quite pinpoint it, but I did recently look up psychosis and it’s symptoms, so let’s go through them and give an example or two of something I’ve done to mimic that.

*Signs and Symptoms of Psyschosis*

**1. Hallucinations** : A fairly easy one. A night where I was particularly sleep deprived (probably the longest in a while, 2.5-3 days without sleep) I remembered hearing auditory hallucinations that manifested by the alarm that blares in the Fire Station whenever we get a call. Now, it was nothing long, but I definitely heard the little start and click and ring of the alarm a couple times that night. The weird thing is how those...work. I’ve been trying for the past two minutes or so how to describe hearing it, but I can’t. It’s like.. I thought it was real, but at the same time, I didn’t. It was gone as soon as it came, but I stayed in that mental spot for much longer. **2. Delusions** : this is the one keeping me sane. i haven’t had anything delusional...or so i think, lmfao **3. Disorganization: “Disorganization is split into disorganized speech or thinking, and grossly disorganized motor behavior. Characteristics of disorganized speech include rapidly switching topics, called derailment or loose association; switching to topics that are unrelated, called tangential thinking; incomprehensible speech, called word salad or incoherence. Disorganized motor behavior includes repetitive, odd, or sometimes purposeless movement.”

This is the one I am closest to: Over the past few nights at work, I have acted like a fucking crackhead-- constantly jibbering and yammering and switching topics on the fly based on whatever pops into my head (disorganized speech / tangential thinking). As for incoherence, not so much, although I have gone outside and just yelled / screamed because I feel the urge to occasionally. Disorganized movement is also a bingo-- I’m always moving some part of my body or just doing some random gesture/movement because why not? However, to be fair to this entire section, it could all just be my ADHD flaring up with the sleep deprivation. Negative symptoms: Negative symptoms include reduced emotional expression, decreased motivation, and reduced spontaneous speech. Afflicted individuals lack interest and spontaneity, and have the inability to feel pleasure.

I don’t strike all of these, namely the lack of spontaneity and ability to feel pleasure. As of late, i have been nothing BUT spontaneous and for some really strange reason I have been thrust into a really good mood throughout the day the past two days or so. It’s odd, because nothing sets it off. I’ll just all of the sudden just be fucking vibing SUPER hard. That’s the best way I can describe it. Two possible causes of acute psychosis can be severe sleep deprivation and psychoactive drugs. bwahaha AND before you think this is edgy beyond belief the psychosis bit is, like I said, just a little joke I’m playing on myself so maybe once I write and get all of this out for once I’ll finally realize how unhealthy and irresponsible I’m being and rectify some issues before i actually go insane lol kthxbye edit: Oh man i forgot another bit. I have almost lost all concept of time, but that is almost 100% because I am now awake throughout the day change and often sleep and wake up when it’s the same day. Real fucky, I could not tell you anything about dates or days or even weeks

[weskerrun]

“As I fall deeper into a manic state, I’m a prime candidate for the gene to receive the drug addict trait.” “Sometimes I feel so alone, I just don’t know, it feels like I’ve been down this road before. So lonely and cold, it’s like something takes over me as soon as I go home and close the door. It kinda feels like deja vu, I wanna get away from this place, I do, but I can’t, and I won’t, say I try, but I know, that’s a lie, ‘cuz I don’t, and why, I just don’t know.” “That’s the devil in my ear, I been’ sober a fuckin’ year, and that fucker still talks to me, he’s all I can fuckin’ hear.” “Coupla’ weeks go by, it ain’t even like I’m gettin’ high-- Now I need it just not to feel sick. Yeah, I’m gettin’ by- wouldn’t even be takin’ this shit if DeShaun didn’t die. Oh yeah, there’s an excuse-- you lose Proof so you use. There’s new rules, it’s cool if it’s helping you get through. It’s twelve noon-- ain’t no harm in self-inducin’ a snooze. What else is new? Fuck it, what would Elvis do in your shoes? Now here I am, three months later, full-blown relapse, *Just get high until the kids get home. holmes, relax.* And since I’m convinced that I’m an insomniac I need this shit to be able to sleep so I take three naps just to function throughout the day.” - deja vu, eminem

[weskerrun]

boredom

man that’s something that they didn’t tell you about, how bored you’d be if you don’t have work or something. I’m not a hardcore extrovert so I can’t go out with friends everyday and i’m in between jobs right now and wow everything has lost its luster. I opened up Skyrim but just stared at the main menu for five minutes before closing it. None of my video games sound fun-- I guess I’m growing out of it a little bit--, no TV shows sound interesting, I can’t even force myself to pick up a book or climb out of this writer’s block I’ve been having. I’ve pretty much just been listening to music and watching random youtube things. motivation is hard to come by, but I guess i’m trying

[weskerrun]

I want a relationship pretty bad for how shit i am at them tbh

[weskerrun]

Oh god I’m turning into Jay and Silent Bob

[weskerrun]

Man I gotta be honest, I start simping after every girl with short hair. I wish I was gay so I could simp over guys with long hair, too

[weskerrun]

WHO ARE YOU? WHO CAN SAY IT’S OKAY TO LIVE THROUGH ME? LIVE TO BE PART OF ME YOU’RE A WRINKLED MAGAZINE

YOU SPIN ME LIKE A TREE DIRTY DOLLAR BILLS FOR LEAVES DARK IN A SEA OF MY SEEDS AND THE TEARS OF WHICH YOU FEED

THESE PARASITES HIDE FROM LIFE YOU KNOW THEY’LL REMEMBER ME

THEY ABHOR

IN SELF WORTH

ALL THAT MATTERS MUCH TO ME

- a little bitter, aic

[weskerrun]

I take a couple uppers, I down a couple downers, but nothin’ compares to these blue and yellow purple pills I’ve been to mushroom mountain, once or twice but whose countin? But nothin’ compares to these blue and yellow purple pills

[weskerrun]

can’t sleep, can’t ever sleep. being alone with your thoughts in a dark room for like 6 hours is a nightmare in itself

[weskerrun]

the current vibe

[weskerrun]

good times, bad times. riding out the bad again

[weskerrun]

the forest is lovely, wouldn’t you agree?

[weskerrun]

[weskerrun]