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[westernbarbie]

It’s not fair.

I look for you in everyone I meet and it’s not fair. It’s not fair to them that I’m comparing them with someone they don’t even know exists or holding them to a standard they wouldn’t get to on their own. It’s not fair that I meet someone and try to turn them into something they’re not. It’s not fair that I see little parts of you everywhere I go and can’t tell you the things I want to tell you. It’s not fair that you left my crying in my car ten minutes before my shift when you could’ve waited three more days when I had off. It’s not fair that I think you’re gonna swoop in any second and tell me that you were wrong and you need me as much as I need you. It’s not fair that I feel disgusted that I didn’t even try to make you stay because all I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy and succeed. It’s not fair that I’m writing love letters that won’t leave my notes app while closing my heart off to anyone other than you. It’s not fair that no matter how much pain I feel I’ll always open my door for you the second you knock. But most importantly it’s not fair to you for me to cling onto this idea that you still love me and I’m sorry. I thought I had enough love for the both of us before I realized that love was never the issue. Time was always and will continue being our greatest enemy. I just wish I could’ve had three more days of blissful ignorance.

[westernbarbie]

I need to rant to someone but I’ve been reading too many books and made my rant more lyrical than they’d be used to so I’m just gonna post it here because none of my friends know my blog name. This is my first post so be nice to me please.

Enjoy :)

Your ghost haunts me when I can’t sleep at night. Not like a monster I should be afraid of; but more like a sinking hole in my chest that deepens when I remember the way you held me. Every day there’s so many things that I would love to tell you; but the last thing I would want is to make you feel guilty about leaving for your mental health. I didn’t expect that conversation in a target parking lot, but when your voice broke I knew that I wasn’t gonna be a fan of what came next. You told me you adored me and it shattered my heart in only a way that love can, but I’m learning to turn the pieces into art that hopefully you’ll enjoy one day. You kissed me sweetly as we both cried and I get phantom pains of the way your lips felt on mine. You held me in your arms and gave me time to process the grief of losing someone that wasn’t really gone. I know now that it ended because you were overwhelmed. You said that I deserved someone that could give me their time but as time goes on I wish I would’ve told you that you gave me all I could ask for and more. I’ll wait for you until my bones turn to dust and my skin begins to rot. Until my lungs take their last breath and my blood stops pulsing. If I have the opportunity to feel your love again, I won’t waste a second without letting you know how much I missed your presence. I still smile when you text me and I occasionally cry when I reminisce on the ghost of us; but loving you is one thing I’ll never regret and hope I get the pleasure of doing again.