wgztimes - Tumblr blog

[wgztimes]

Amid Fanfare, US and China Announce Joint Project to Eradicate Poverty By Killing Poor People Off

BEIJING — After initially experiencing turbulent times due to the election of Donald Trump as US President, Sino-American relations received a welcome boost today as Presidents Xi and Trump unveiled a new bilateral cooperation project aimed at eradicating poverty in the two countries.

The New WGZ Times was able to secure an exclusive interview with Mr. Trump on the project. When asked why, after campaigning on a vehement anti-China and pro-Russia platform, he decided to cooperate closely with China instead, Mr. Trump pointed out that he realized that China is, as a whole, much wealthier than Russia.

“I’m good friends with, you know, Vladimir Putin and all his buddies,” said Mr. Trump during the interview, “so I kind of assumed that all of Russia is like them. And so I thought, wow, Russia is yuuuuuuge, so it must be a super rich country, right?”

“Turned out that I was wrong, and most Russians are so poor, they can’t afford living in a sack, much less one of my developments in Manhattan. That’s when I thought, hey, why not work with the Chinese instead?”

China, he said, has a much greater number of billionaires, whom he is much more comfortable working with. Together, he envisions solving the big problems that plague both countries today, starting with the biggest one: poverty.

“Poverty is bad. Poor people need taxes so they can live as welfare queens, and we all know that taxes are evil, right? Taxes hurt good, hard-working job creators like myself. That’s why we need to get rid of poverty. And we will do that, of course, by getting rid of poor people.”

Cooperating with China, he said, is a perfect idea because both countries already have the world’s highest incarceration rate and number of death penalties handed out per year.

“Both of our countries are already working on getting rid of the poor people, one electrocution at a time. That’s when I thought, hey, why shouldn’t we work together to be more efficient?”

The Chinese Foreign Minister Wang Yi said that China’s leaders are reacting enthusiastically to Mr. Trump’s proposal, saying that it is “the best idea that the Americans have ever come up with.”

“Our nation has always been preoccupied with eradicating poverty,” said Mr. Wang. “In fact, it was one of Chairman Mao’s biggest goals as leader of China. We are heartened to see that, after years of incomprehensible obstruction by the Americans, they have finally come to the same page as us and decided to cooperate on such a crucial issue.”

China was particularly infuriated in recent years as calls grew in the US for it to respect the “human rights” of the poor. “No one has the right to be poor,” said Mr. Wang, “and put a strain on society. By choosing to be poor, they have already forfeited their human rights.”

Now, with American aid, China says it is planning to drastically increase the number of prisons in the country and designate some as concentration camps, where the poorest people in the country will be "taken care of permanently."

"We see it as a fair exchange," said Mr. Wang. "We have the know-how and the expertise in neutralizing poor people," referring to the formidable Chengguan agents, who are known to target and speedily destroy the livelihood of the most impoverished. "They, the Americans, have the money and the political will to slaughter the poor en masse."

"We believe that cooperation will allow both of our countries to prosper and finally get rid of poverty altogether."

In a rust-belt town in rural Ohio, WGZ journalists encountered enthusiastic support for Mr. Trump's proposal as working class families came out in the streets, chanting "he made America great again."

"Trump promises and Trump delivers," said Buddy McCoy, a 56-year-old former coal worker who campaigned for Mr. Trump last year. "My entire family just got a letter from the feds asking us to report to the nearest concentration camp for processing by next month. We immediately started packing up and selling off our possessions."

"Being part of our president's signature initiative is such a great honor to my family and to me personally," said a teary-eyed Mr. McCoy. "Before, we were poor and jobless, and most of my family are addicted to prescription painkillers. Now, we can finally do our part for our country by getting ourselves shipped off to prison and sent to the electric chair."

"This country is, after all, built by the industry and hard work of the rich people. Poor people like me can only hope for the chance to cooperate by having ourselves killed off to make room for more rich people," he said, "a chance that President Trump is now giving us."

Democrats in Congress reacted with fury to Mr. Trump and the GOP's implementation of the proposal, saying that the "botched" implementation reveals deep incompetence of the Republican administration.

"While we applaud the effort of the administration to do something to alleviate poverty," said Chuck Schumer, the Senate Democratic leader, "we are concerned by the inability of the administration to implement their plan efficiently. The US should not have had to ask China for their technical assistance on such a trivial matter."

Furthermore, said Mr. Schumer, Democrats fear that introducing Chinese aid in the form of Chengguan agents to identify and apprehend poor people in America, as Mr. Xi and Mr. Trump proposed, will lead to cultural misunderstandings.

"I have no doubt that the Chengguan are effective in their home country and have a great deal of expertise in neutralizing poor people," he said, "but there are important differences between China and the US."

For one thing, he said, while rich Chinese people often engage in conspicuous consumption and generally behave in crude and vulgar ways towards the poor, well-off Americans often prefer to pay lip service to charity and egalitarianism while insulating themselves from the indignity of interacting with their poorer peers altogether.

"If the GOP and this president invite Chengguan agents into our country, I'm afraid that they will mistake our rich people for poor liberal intellectuals, whom they delight in beating into submission before lynching in their home country."

The risk of exposing rich people, who he said create jobs and are the engine of the economy, to the depredations of the Chengguan is simply too high to justify having Chengguan agents come to the US, said Mr. Schumer.

"The Democrats will oppose this president's agenda at every turn until we can ensure that the eradication of the poor population will not put the good rich folks of our country in danger."

For her part, House Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi is confident that skepticism in Mr. Trump's plan will bring the Democrats back to leadership of the House in 2018.

"Once in office, House Democrats will work to dismantle this president's failed 'America First' policies. America is not the only country that is in urgent need of an end to poverty. The whole world is looking to American leadership on this issue," she said.

"And if we are elected to the presidency in 2020, we will work tirelessly to bring about the end of world poverty, one drone strike at a time."

[wgztimes]

China, Announcing New Tourism Initiative Targeted at Foreigners, Aims to Provide Seamless Scam Experience

HANGZHOU, CHINA — In a bid to attract wealthy overseas tourists, the National Tourism Agency of China has announced a new tourism initiative which, among other things, identifies scams and price gouging as the cornerstone of an unforgettable touristic experience in China.

“As tourists, you can get scammed and ripped off pretty much anywhere in the world. But only in China do you feel the weight of a thousands-year old tradition as you do,” said agency chief Li Jinzao.

“Most of our foreign guests have had such a positive experience with getting scammed in China that we feel compelled to honor this priceless legacy of our ancestors and bring the ancient art of ripping off foreigners to the 21st century.”

In his report, Mr. Li urges local governments to invest in the training of a new generation of con artists.

“In this era of globalization, talented workers are in high demand almost anywhere. It is therefore imperative that we act now to cement the scam industry that China is so famous for.”

Zhao Pianren, a trainee at the Hangzhou office of tourism who aspires to have his own fake antiques store one day, said that he is confident foreign tourists will appreciate China’s effort to streamline the scam experience.

“Without a proper training and certification program, you get all kinds of problems in this industry that diminishes the experience overseas tourists have here.”

“For instance, there was a famous incident when a dishonest merchant sold a clay teapot that’s worth 2¢ to an American tourist for only $10. The American was left hurt and confused over the episode when she went home and realized that she could have been made to pay $200.”

“Our ultimate goal is to completely eradicate this sort of anti-consumer behavior and give all tourists a fair chance of leaving with a cherished memory of getting ripped off in China.”

Now, said Mr. Zhao, the tourism agency is planning to issue certified scammer badges to people who pass the rigourous training and examination regime, so that foreign tourists can identify at a glance the best merchants to get ripped off by.

“The training program is incredibly rigourous, and only a small number of extremely skillful scammers will get the badge,” said Mr. Zhao, who is hoping to join their ranks. “The examination is actually designed to be impossible to pass at all, so you need to actually scam and con your way to getting the badge.”

At the nearby West Lake Antiquities Bazaar, we interviewed an American tourist, who introduced himself as Jeff Donovan from Oregon, as he was in the process of getting ripped off by a merchant.

“I am so amazed and humbled by the dedication of these con artists to their craft,” said Mr. Donovan, teary-eyed. “My wife and I have traveled to many exotic destinations, such as Chile, Morocco, and even California. Nowhere did we see anything resembling the professionalism of these scam artists in China.”

“The old lady who owns the shop just told me, completely straight-faced, that this vase is worth ten thousand dollars. It’s probably a fake that’s worth fifty at most. How can I not pay her twelve thousand, tip included, for such a convincing performance?”

But Mr. Donovan also anticipates many challenges for the Chinese scam industry, and says that the tourism agency’s initiative is a welcome step forward.

“The Chinese are good at their craft, but frankly we Americans are catching up quickly. It’s not going to be a given that they don’t fall behind thirty years or so down the line.”

Mr. Li, the tourism agency chief, acknowledges as much when he laid out his initiative. “The Americans have seen the potential of the scam industry, and they have elected Donald Trump, arguably the greatest con artist in their short history, to run their country. You can imagine how much pressure that puts on us.”

The maverick Mr. Li said that he has just recently returned from a trip to Washington, DC, the heart of the American scam industry. “The scale and ambition of their scammers is simply breathtaking.”

“The competition between their two main scammers’ cabals, called the Democrats and the Republicans after the things they most despise, is inspiring to us. In the future, we wish to import their organizational skills to China and set up a similar system.”

“Maybe then we will finally realize the most cherished holy grail of our profession: to pull off a scam that fools not just foreigners, but even the Chinese people themselves.”

[wgztimes]

In Unusual Twist, China Announces Border Wall With America

SHANGHAI --- US President Donald Trump's push for a border wall with Mexico was overshadowed this week by Chinese leaders' surprise announcement of a border wall between the US and China.

''Americans are criminals and rapists,'' said Foreign Minister Wang Yi during a press conference filled with stunned journalists, ''and some, I assume, are good people. This last sort of people is who we need to keep away with the wall. China simply has no place for their kind.''

Mr. Wang dismissed concerns, raised by some journalists, that China does not actually share a land border with the United States.

''Your imperialist mindset needs to be adjusted,'' said Mr. Wang, ''and the Ministry of Love will happily do it for you.''

That there is no actual border between China and the US, he said, simply means that the wall was complete the moment it was announced.

''Take a look at the partisan deadlock in the US Congress over their border wall with Mexico. China does things differently, and our political system is much more efficient. We have already built the wall, and we have already made the US pay for it.''

White House spokesman Sean Spicer angrily denied Chinese claims that the US paid for the border wall, a bill which, according to the Chinese, came out to $0.00.

''The Chinese are simply pulling things out of thin air,'' said Mr. Spicer. ''It is simply inconceivable that President Trump and this administration would pay China $0 for their ridiculous border wall.''

To add substance to his claims, Mr. Spicer proceeded to pull out a check for $1 million US dollars to the order of the People's Republic of China.

''Look at this,'' he said as he waved the check, ''we have paid a million dollars already, so how can it be that we have paid $0 for their border wall?''

The White House pushback notwithstanding, Chinese officials have already held victory tours all across China to celebrate the completion of the border wall with the United States. They were met with adoring crowds waving the red-and-yellow national flag in the streets.

''President Xi has finally made China great again,'' said Mr. Zhu, a member of the crowd in Shanghai. ''As a construction worker, no one knows better than I that anyone can build a wall somewhere. It takes a great leader to build a wall nowhere.''

''Chairman Mao was that great leader, when he built farms and factories and had these amazing production numbers nowhere. But we've forgotten our roots until President Xi came along.''

In the future, Mr. Zhu is confident that America's power is on the wane and will easily be surpassed by the People's Republic.

''We are but taking our first steps into the brave new world of non-existence. Today, we have a wall there. Tomorrow, mark my words, we will leave this earthly realm behind and march forth gloriously into oblivion, leaving America back here to bite our dust.''

''When that day comes, we won't even need a wall between us and America.''

[wgztimes]

In the Wake of United Scandal, Chinese Airlines Promise Race-Blind Customer Abuse

BEIJING --- The recent controversies surrounding United Airlines' handling of the forced removal of a customer from one of its aircrafts made waves especially in China due to the victim being allegedly singled out based on his race. In the wake of the scandal, Chinese airlines have rushed to clarify that they will never discriminate against customers based on their race or ethnicity.

''Here at Air China,'' said a spokesman, ''customers can rest knowing that such things as race will never factor in our decision to abuse them.''

In fact, said another spokesman of China Eastern Airlines, unlike the ''imperialist pigs'' of America, Chinese air stewards commonly consider more important factors, such as the ability of the abused customer to fight back.

''Old ladies are a favorite target,'' he said, ''you break their skulls and usually they just curl up and die like that.''

Wang You'ai, of the Police Union of Greater Beijing, agrees with this assessment. ''Chinese heads and American heads smash all the same. It's more important to us that they don't make a scene.''

Yet another spokesman was interviewed on the standard procedure followed in a situation like that which occurred on the United Airlines flight.

''What we usually do,'' said the spokesman, ''is to send in some police officers armed with baseball bats and broken pipes. We proceed to break everyone's legs and throw them out of the emergency exit doors, then we share a high-five around and drink up all the champagne as the pilot flies the empty aircraft to our destination.''

''After all, those insects,'' referring to the customers, ''they have already paid, so where's the point in actually providing them any service?''

But the Office of Aviation Security in Beijing Capital Airport is also concerned that some of its officers may have been consuming American imperialist propaganda in the form of TV shows and movies, to the extent that they are no longer capable of functioning in a race and ethnicity-blind manner.

''American propaganda is everywhere these days. You need specialists just to make sure that our core value, that is equality of all before police abuse, is upheld.''

Fortunately, China has just such a special force. The office is reportedly considering inviting the notorious Urban Administrative Enforcement Squad, or Chengguan, to take over airport law enforcement duties.

WGZ News have previously reported on the exploits of the Chengguan, which is widely feared and admired in China for its agents' complete disregard of human life and decency.

''When you look at someone sitting in an aircraft seat, you see a fellow human being,'' said Ai Daren, a veteran Chengguan agent. ''We, however, see only a target for beating. You see black, white, Asian, and we still see only a target for beating.''

The Chengguan became famous in China when they took on the centuries-old merchant gangs of the streets of Beijing, who sold things ranging from trinkets to fast food. Within a few short years, they smashed more than ten thousand donkey-drawn carts and broke the legs of nearly five hundred street vendors. Their effort contributed greatly to the fall of street hawking in the capital.

''The Chengguan are exactly what we need in this situation,'' said Mr. Wang of the Office of Aviation Security. ''If they apply the same ferocity and scorched-earth tactics to aviation law enforcement, we are confident that complaints about racially-motivated discrimination will fall to zero in a few months.''

However, the reputation of the Chengguan suffered a major blow in recent years with the rise of the Guangchangwu Cabal. This mafia-like organization, formed primarily by middle-aged and older women, whose M.O. is to swarm a public place and dance in various cringe-inducing ways to loud music before speedily dispersing when Chengguan agents approach, has proven too elusive even for the Chengguan to defeat.

''The harder we try, the faster they make their escape,'' said Mr. Ai. ''They are simply much too well-organized for our agents. They have even infiltrated countries such as Australia and Canada and brought their illegal activities over there.''

Nevertheless, he hopes that the Chengguan can restore its reputation by going on the front lines in aviation law enforcement.

''People will learn to fear us again,'' he said. ''And they will learn that, unlike in America, nobody is above police abuse in this country.''

[wgztimes]

WGZ News is Back!

SAN FRANCISCO, Calif. — We, the Editorial Board of WGZ News, the English language affiliate of the Ministry of Truth of China (MTC), are pleased to announce the re-opening of our US bureau and the publication of a brand-new online journal, The New WGZ Times.

Zhang Zhenli, our bureau chief and a long time MTC official, reflects positively on the changing journalistic conditions in the United States. “Since WGZ News left the US in 2013, many things have changed in four short years,” he said.

For one thing, the US presidential election in 2016 went an unexpected direction when Donald J. Trump was elected as the President of the United States.

“Even our best fake news writers could not have dreamed such a scenario,” said Mr. Zhang.

“We believe, however, that Mr. Trump’s election brings unique challenges and opportunities to running a fake news outlet based in China.”

Mr. Trump, an avid consumer of fake news, has long been known to favor the professionally produced fake news stories of Russia over those of China. But Mr. Zhang believes that the return of WGZ News can change that.

“For too long the northern barbarians have dominated the fake news market, with no effective response from China. But the people of the Middle Kingdom have a far longer tradition of buyaolian,” said Mr. Zhang using the Chinese word for shamelessness.

“A good fake news writer must be shameless. We must not be limited even by the realm of possibility, let alone that of plausibility. The landscape of fake news has changed significantly since 2013. Readers today demand far more than they did four years ago. Such headlines as ‘Donald Trump, President of the US’ would have been considered a fine specimen of fake news back then. Today, that is simply real news.”

But Mr. Zhang is also confident that The WGZ Times will provide US readers with the kind of fake news they so vocally demand.

“It’s about thinking outside the box,” he said, “about anticipating our competitors’ moves and going one-up in terms of our shamelessness.”

Mr. Zhang also concedes that the previous iteration of WGZ News in America has occasionally veered away from what US readers were most interested in.

“We are changing our approach, you’ll see. We will report more on issues that the American public is concerned with, such as North Korea, and even sometimes on US domestic issues.”

“Overall, we are confident that we will become the best purveyors of fake news in the United States.”

Our journalists have reached out to Donald Trump, President of the US and the self-proclaimed King of Fake News, for comments on this article. However, when making their transfer in Chicago with United Airlines, they were forced to deboard the aircraft and beaten to a pulp by Chicago police. In memory of these journalists killed in the line of duty, the bureau has decided to publish our first article on aviation in the US and in China, following up shortly.