whalenuggetz-blog

[whalenuggetz-blog]

Much misses

I miss Bali. I miss moving around and meeting new people.

[whalenuggetz-blog]

Am I ever going to be good enough?

Sometimes i wonder if i'm ever really good enough. There was this saying, 'one day you'll love someone and they won't love you back. Just like the previous times when someone else loved you but you never cared.' and i guess karma really is a bitch. You tell me that you've never treated a girl with so much respect before, that you treat me the best. But when i read the conversation between you and your ex, you said things to her that you never said to me before. I don't understand where i've gone wrong, what i may have missed, what was it that i couldn't give to you, for you to look for her. You want me to feel secure, but how could i when you've gone behind my back and hurt me like this. i want to trust you, believe me i do, But how can i, when you dont make me feel like i'm ever good enough. i had always been insecure, but everything you've done just made it worse. For the first 2 months, i really gave you my all. you were all i could ever think about. but you took that for granted and went behind my back to speak with your ex. You said you did it for us, for closure. And for some reason, i believe you. Now, you promise me that you have stopped, that you've moved on. But if you look at the timeline, fuck im just a rebound. I cant say for sure, i dont ever know what youre thinking. But whatever it is, i wont love you so easily. i wont give you my heart, ill never look at you the way i did before, ill never look at you with pure, innocent love. And that is a promise ive made to myself. Everynight, before i go to bed, i think about all that youve done to me, thinking about all the good and bad. Sadly, the bad outweighs the good. i would sleep and have nightmares, of you cheating on me with different girls. But i never blame you for them, they were my insecurities. Then i wake up in the morning and the first thing i tell myself is, 'i am good enough. i am more than enough.' i constantly have to remind myself that i am just as good as you. That you're lucky to have me. But what saddens me is the fact that i have to do this. i dont want to have to keep reminding myself that i am good enough, i had always wished you'd do that.i had always wished that you'd reassure me with actions, words, anything you could think of. And i'm giving you time, all the time you need, to decide if i really am worth your love. i understand that love takes time, but i wonder if you'll ever love me, before the hurt you cause me, kills me. Over the last 3 years, i have learnt that i can easily remove someone from my heart. i can immediately stop loving you, just by emotionally cutting you off. So i'm not worried if you take too long, i'm not worried if this does not work out, i can easily forget, i can choose not to feel anything at all. But till i do, im giving you time. time to slowly be the kind, caring man that you are. i see it in you, and things like that take time. im putting in minimum effort. Enough to show you that i care, not too much so as to get hurt again. i wouldn't say i love you. i wouldnt say that youre my everything. Because you were once my everything, but the stab in the heart was a harsh reminder that i shouldn't love so easily. So im taking my time too. There isnt any solid reason why i like you. But you have become my home, and i am in no rush to look for love. You're really important to me, so i am trying now. i wouldnt want to look back and regret if i hadnt put in effort to make this work. But if you ever decide that someone else is better, then by all means, go ahead and ill be happy for you. Because you've taught me one very important lesson. And that is to only love someone whose heart is fully yours. Love someone who is afraid of losing you. i dont know if ill ever love you the way i did before, i dont think i will. Maybe time will heal my wounds. But im sure once it does, i would have learnt to move on from you.