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Altar-ation

I feel like this journey begins with knowing what you want but having absolutely no idea what you need. I entered Herbs and Arts with a plan. I did not leave with a single item that matched that plan. 

Hysterically, I naively began to fill my basket with things that I thought I needed. Herbs and stones that would increase my motivation, ground my core, keep me moving forward. However, I started picking up things that I liked and was quickly knocked flat by a very talented practitioner who read me like an open book. 

I brought up my basket, laid out my carefully, and quite close-to-the-wallet, chosen items and asked the woman at the counter what she saw. 

“Oh, you are deeply in need of self-care and self-love. You want to be able to speak your truth and your feelings but you feel stifled, are are desperately trying to heal old wounds and you are trying to open your heart to new experience but find it difficult to be childlike and carefree.”

I was crying in seconds.

My altar represents what I didn’t even know I was trying to heal:

Self-love, healing, happiness, and contentment. 

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Eye of the Tiger (Literally)

My mother has a pair of absolutely beautiful tiger’s eye earrings that I steal whenever I get the chance. Its very hard to not be enamored by the warm, earthy colors and smooth, shiny stones. 

Tiger’s Eye is a stone linked to the sacral and core chakra. It is known for helping with money matters, curbing spending, and encouraging wealth. It is also known for reducing cravings and addictive behavior. My interest in it stems from how it regulates metabolism, gives the wearer or practitioner energy, and detoxifies the body of any negative energy. In many cultures, tiger’s eye is used to ward away the evil eye. The tiger’s eye stone, attracted to Capricorns and Leos, is recharged in the sun, particularly in the late afternoon. 

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I searched for quite a while looking for an herb that felt right, and right under my nose it appeared! of course, I was drawn to an herb that I have loved my whole life: Lemon Verbena. 

Lemon verbena is known for its bright, lemony scent. It can be used in teas in order to aid metabolism and help digestive problems, and it has a wonderful flavor to boot! Lemon verbena is known for purification and beautification. I am particularly interested in purification, as lemon verbena is used magikally to break bad habits, boost motivation, and purify sluggish energies. It can also prevent nervousness and aid in sleep. Within ritual baths, lemon verbena can tighten the skin and pores, de-puff any inflammation and aid in hair care.

I am also looking forward to getting a yellow candle in order to balance my core chakra and aid in self-love, joy, and motivation.  

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Which Witch?

When we hear the word “witch”, what do we think of? Do we think of the witches from fairy tales, the hideous, disfigured crones that curse poor, undeserving princesses? Do we think of the Salem Witch Trials, where hundreds of undeserved men and women were burned at the stake or hung? 

What stereotypes about witches still exist? What is the first thing you think of when witches are mentioned?

Today, witches are usually defined as belonging to the Wiccan tradition, or the Craft. These pagan followers usually believe in either polytheistic deities or one mother goddess, who is seen as the Earth and all within it. Wicca greatly focuses on being in touch with the Earth, cleaning the energies and spaces of which you inhabit, and being aware of either the Mother Goddess, the Horned God or both. As a Pagan and neo pagan religion, there are many different sects of Wicca, each with their own unique views on rituals, rites, and magic. To elaborate on magic,  as said within the reading, “Interestingly, traditional occult definitions of magic have rarely included the supernatural”. Modern Wicca and Pagan magic can include crystals, meditation, herbs, or simply changing one’s thinking in relation to a problem.

How often do you use “modern magic” in your everyday life?

The allure of Paganism is as deep and complex as its followers. Many women begin practicing paganism to find a “spiritual framework outside the patriarchal religions that have dominated the Western world for the last several thousand years”. Many others practice in order to be closer to the Earth, for freedom away from the restrictions of popular religions, to have intellectual conversations and/or to grow as people. 

Would you ever practice Paganism or Wicca? Why or why not?

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“Rather than becoming emblematic of slavery, then, she’s become its opposite: an outlier, an exception.”

The story of Delphine Lalaurie is dark, twisted and cruel. Bored with the glittering parties and soulful music of New Orleans, Creole Socialite Madame Lalaurie, after her third marriage to Monsieur Lalaurie, began to beat and torture her house hold slaves. Such horrifying atrocities include tying slaves up by there necks, holding them with steel collars with spikes on the inside, and whipping and beating them to death. The horrific torture Madame Lalaurie perpetuated caught up to her when an outraged mob stormed the Lalaurie Mansion after the inhabitants fled to France. But where is the justice for those kept and tortured? Madame Lalaurie lived a long life in Paris, and was then brought back to New Orleans for a proper burial. Where is her harrowing just desserts? Or did the society that called for her blood also do what so many societies do: except her penance and move on, as the lives of bruised, broken slaves did not concern them?  

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How the Times Have Changed

“If the Kirkbridge Asylums are haunted, they are haunted, one could say, by the difference between how history is conceived and how it plays out.” 

How often do we, as modern humans, look back on the times long bygone and wonder, “How did they survive?”. We look at the lack of indoor plumbing, the lack of phones, televisions, video games, books where women actually speak, ect and feel in awe of the tenaciousness of our ancestors. 

And yet, we so rarely consider the lack of medical advances. 

Modern medicine was revolutionized by a young Hungarian doctor in 1846. This doctor introduced a practice that saved thousands of lives in hospitals across the world. What did he do?

He washed his hands.  

The medicine of the mind is no different. Today's doctors still do not fully understand how the mind works. Female Hysteria, a condition hallmarked by symptoms such as erotic fantasies, nervousness, and fainting, was listed as a treatable condition until the 1980s! 

The asylums of old were packed with the outcasts of society, tormented and mocked for illness Doctors could not see. They are haunted because they carry the screams of innocent, those stricken with ghosts themselves, who were punished not only for their own otherness, but the ignorance of those who tried to understand them.  

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“Baby”

My analysis of this story comes from a question I have been asking myself about ghost stories; whose story is actually being told? The dead cannot talk. They cannot disprove what the living say about them, no matter luxuriously wrong their story has become. The stories we hear are told by the living, about the dead, for the living. Take for instance, the story of Timber Kate and Bella Rawhide. The story highlights the dark past of a pair of prostitutes turned lovers. However, both turned on each other when a man came into the picture. How many times has this narrative been told on the big screen of romantic comedies? Two best friends, closer than sisters, brutally separated by their own sick jealousies. The narrative told in Ghost stories are told over and over again, breaking down the ideals of our nation into neat, sectioned stories revolving around key figures. 

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The Modern Homewrecker

Why do we tell ghost stories, and why are ghost stories seen as frightening or scary? Why is it always the tale of the abused, angry soul that get spread across the campfire? It is because the living would prefer to leave ghosts at other people’s homes. Chloe, who was brutally killed after her relations with her angry master, who never existed at all. Why would we tell her story if she was simply a slave girl who died? Why would we quiver in fear over the reality of slavery in the South? If ghosts can simply exist within the living’s sphere of understanding, that means there could be ghosts anywhere, even within the unsuspecting persons home. The entire United States is a forbidden burial ground. The bodies of pioneers, fur trappers, Native Americans, slaves, Chinese railroad workers, Puerto Ricans, women, children and men alike grace the soil of America. We have built our homes on their bodies, we have welcomed their energies into our homes. The uncanny comes from feeling those who have come before us wander in and out, back and forth. The uncanny comes from knowing that all we have is temporary. 

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So often, as people living our lives on this Earth, we constantly think about the inevitable cliff jump that is death. And, like a cliff jump, none but those who jump can fully know what comes after. We cling to ghosts because, at our core, we want to know what happens. Humans are curious. We are worriers. We have snuggled over Ouija Boards and held hands through candle-lit seances to know the truth. But the idea of ghosts being malicious, of wanting to harm, comes from the drama that we as humans create in life. How can we hope for a peaceful afterlife when human souls still haunt the Earth, trailing their threadbare burial smocks across the dirty floors humanity still inhabit? We demonize ghosts, and hero-ize ourselves. Why else would a spirit roam the halls of an old house if not for a living hero to find the cause of the specter's misery and return it to the dead? God forbid we think kindly of ghosts, holding them close as living relatives, popping over the great divide to check on their grand kids or lovers? How can we possibly respect the dead when we spend our lives fearing what they become instead of just living. 

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Trying to Become Soft

As C. Joybell once said, “It’s the hard things that break; soft things don’t break. It was an epiphany I had today and I just wonder why it took me so very, very long to see it! You can waste so many years of your life trying to become something hard in order not to break; but it’s the soft things that can’t break! The hard things are the ones that shatter into a million pieces!”.

As a society, we are constantly demanding that people sharpen themselves into pointed, razor-sharp knives to perpetuate strength. This ideal, particularly aimed at men, forces young people to stunt their own compassion’s growth. How often do we punish young boys for crying after they get hurt? How often are men and boys punished for any sense of femininity by their peers and culture? Yet, how often does the man showing even the basest forms of gentleness, being good with children, being able to cook and clean, telling jokes that don’t degrade women, being close to a mother or sister, become celebrated among women? Men sharpen themselves from early ages to compete with the men in their lives, and then come up short when women are terrified and unwilling to date a man who shares the same violent tendencies as their ideals.

How many times have I heard a man tell his girlfriend, “You only like *insert superhero here* because of how they look”, when the reality stems from something completely different? While the eye candy is ever appreciated, the real cause of the attraction comes from the defining traits of a kindhearted person. Clark Kent has a close relationship with his mother, works a 9-5, saves kittens from trees and still has time to cook Lois Lane breakfast in the morning.

The article brings this idea to light by mentioning Spongebob. “Some call it oddball, but some might say Spongebob's "softness" connotes a very particular genre of "odd." But in a year when even action-hero cartoons like The Incredibles pivoted on male midlife crisis, when the governor of California called his legislative opponents "girlie men," when the white male vote put Bush back in office after a disastrous first term—in such a year, any male icon, gay or straight, who's not trying to bolster his masculinity is worth a second look.”

Overall, the ultra-masculine machismo that are culture perpetuates is dangerous and helps no-one. It is the same culture that allowed a reality show businessman to become president, that allowed Harvey Weinstein to get away with sexual assault for many years, and that continues to push young boys into sharing their feelings via violence, vulgarity, and venom.

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“I want to believe my worth as a human bring does not reside in my size or appearance. I know, having grown up in a culture that is generally toxic to women and constantly trying to discipline women’s bodies, that it Is important to resist unreasonable standards for how my body or any body should look.

What I know and what I feel are two very different things.”

 This quote cuts me quite deeply. I look at other women of many shapes and sizes, and I always see beauty somewhere. It can be in the grace of their movements, the softness of their smile, the clearness of their skin, the richness of their hair. It can be in the strength of their shoulders, the mirth twinkling within their eyes, their defiant postures, daring the world to try and take them down. I see them as sisters, mothers, aunts, and grandmothers; as wise women, pioneers, business people and caretakers.

Yet, even with all the love that I feel for other women, I look in the mirror and cannot see the same redeeming qualities within myself. I am un-feminine, un-graceful, a lumbering, loud-mouthed monster shaking the Earth with her steps. I am silly, naïve, stupid and un-dignified, foolish in my words and ridiculous in my appearance. I am just a stupid fat girl who could never starve herself enough to make a difference. I will never be beautiful. I will never be special. I will never be worthy of love.

Sometimes, I don’t feel this way. My friends hold me and say kind things to me and remind me that I should exclude myself from kindness and softness. The other women in my life keep me strong and safe and remind me that I am worthy.

I relate to Roxanne Gay. I feel her message in my bones. We must allow ourselves to look at our individual bodies with the kindness and thoughtfulness with which we treat our sisters.

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The connection between women who are hated for not being beautiful is as strong a steel thread. Many times over I have looked at another woman, proud and shining in her own self-love, and felt proud and shining along with her. But when one of my closest friends began to not eat, I was horrified for her. I worry about her, as I have always seen her, no matter how she might see herself, as a goddess divine sent by the heavens to make the grass greener and the sky bluer. I am proud of my friend, for I know that she tries every day to eat a meal, no matter how small. I am proud of her for fighting her own body and being proud of herself. I am joyous when she is as in love with herself as much as all of us around us are.

However, when you are not beautiful, when you have never been considered beautiful by this world who looks at women of all shapes and sizes and says, “You are not good enough”, you are jealous of beauty. I wish that I could bite and gnaw on my own bones to feel full. I wish I could inhale and taste all of the wonderful things baking and roasting and sauteing as I walk down the street. I wish I could be so thin, that rings meant for children would slide off of my fingers like they were greased. As Bordo says, “Conditioned to lose control at the mere sight of desirable products, we can master our desires only by creating rigid defenses against them. The slender body codes the tantalizing ideal of a well-managed self in which all is kept in order despite the contradictions of consumer culture.”

The only way we can combat this epidemic of self-hatred is to support other women no matter their size. To encourage healthy eating and self-care without perpetuating the ridiculous idea that “one size fits all”.  I have been praised for my wit, my compassion, my academics and my talents, but no one has ever called me beautiful without prompting until three months ago. A friend of mine’s mother sat me down, held my face in her hands, and called me “her almond-beauty” with such tenderness that I went home and sobbed.

We must support all people with the tenderness they deserve, so that little girls and boys will feel so overwhelmingly full of their own beauty, they can continue to feast to feed their minds and hearts.

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“We are robbed of our female being by the masculine plural. Language is a male discourse”.

I am going to preface this post by stating some crucial facts: I am a white woman. Though I am still a woman and also a woman who identifies as queer, both of these facts which connect me to Anzaldua, I am still a white woman. Therefore, I cannot connect fully to Anzaldua’s perspective as a Chicana woman.

I connect to the quote above as a woman who understands a small part of the French language. The French language also completely revolves around the man in the room. Quite literally, as even if the room is ninety-nine percent female, if there is one male in the vicinity the pronouns regarding the entirely of the group are masculine.

Unfortunately, this is also from a completely Eurocentric perspective. This chapter is dedicated entirely to the study of different languages that are encompassed in the Hispanic, more specifically the Mexican-American experience, particularly in the 1980s when her book was published. She writes full sentences in Spanish with the full intention to make non-Spanish-speaking readers identify with the confusion of someone not allowing you to understand what they are saying. This shows that despite the depth of oppression that Anzaldua has experienced, she is still deeply proud of her identity and culture.

Anzaldúa, Gloria, et al. "How to Tame a Wild Tongue." Borderlands =: La Frontera, Capitán Swing, 1987, Accessed 7 Mar. 2018.