whatayrablogs
Sometimes, Ayra does blog
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It has been a week since Parker followed Polly in crossing the bridge. It has been a month that Parker was deteriorating right before my eyes due to kidney failure, a disease that is inevitable to dogs his age. So last Wednesday, I made a difficult decision with the professional advice from their very thoughtful and kind vet to give him the final act of kindness of putting him to sleep. It was a peaceful Wednesday. Each of us in the family were able to say our goodbyes before he completely closed his eyes. We told him he was the goodest boy in the world. That we would be okay. That it was okay to let go since he was in pain for more than weeks now. That night before, I hugged him tightly while he was having fits of seizures and whispered that it was okay to go because a few weeks prior to that, I kept telling him to fight and not leave me yet because losing Polly was too painful and I could not afford to lose him too. But seeing him fight amidst being in so much pain was a lot more intolerable, so I hugged him for I don’t know how long that night and told him it was okay to go.
I often teased him that he was Polly’s dog. That I initially got him because Polly needed a playmate. True enough, when Polly left, he followed suit. They were too close and were each other’s best friend that they went the same order they came into my life.
Parker was the poster dog of many hollywood dog films. He was good looking but he was a troublemaker, always up to no good. Naughty. A huge bouncing ball of trouble and sunshine combined. He was big and not the sharpest tool in the shed. But what he lacked in intellect, he compensated with his huge huge heart. So huge, we even took a moment to joke that his heart was so huge, it took some time for his heart to stop beating in his final moments. Unlike his sister Polly, he never learned a lot of tricks. He only sits when you bribe him with food and his sit can only last up to 5 seconds, else he’ll get impatient and maybe grab the food from your hands. His greatest talent though, is how he managed to open any type of doors. He can force himself in any type of doors, and that included the doors to our heart. I guess the last fondest memories I had with him was even if he was already having a difficult time walking he would look at me for help to climb up the stairs near one of our doors so he can still forcibly check if he can still open it. Now it warms my heart with the thought that he might have forcibly opened his way in the gates of heaven. That would be so typical of him.
But Parker didn’t need much. He didn’t need toys, or too much walks or tasty treats. What he loved the most was sitting on your lap and pretend he was a lap dog, not really aware how huge and heavy he was. He was the most malambing of the pack, aggressively asking for pets and love and won’t take no for an answer. He lets the other dogs bully him into submission even if he’s the largest in playfights.He’d prefer to chill all day and just stare at you with twinkling eyes, letting you know you’re his world.
It has been a very rough month for me. The morning right after, I bought a Jollibee meal and for the first time in x years, I broke down horribly because it’s the first time I ate my meal in peace. No one asking for a piece of my chicken, and no drool on my legs. This past month, some days were good, some days were better, and some days were bad. Mundane things make me cry, like a neglected dog bowl in the terrace, or a fur still stuck to my shoes. Parting ways with your pets is such a bittersweet experience. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have made peace that we were able to say goodbye, that he’s no longer in pain, and he’s probably playing with Polly wherever they are.
I’ve been trying to compose this for a week as well and it seems I cant finish it because finishing it gives it finality when all I feel like this is all a temporary thing… that they’re just on a short trip to the vet or a board house for some time because I’m traveling. But having a good support system helps a lot cope and adjust. I still don’t regret anything. But I do miss both of them a lot.
I know they’re still around. Because where else would they go? They were such privileged and sheltered dogs, I don’t think they would go that far. My boyfriend bought me dedicated wind chimes the other day and told me when it sings, it’s just them hanging around. I would like to think of it that way. That they’re just within my reach, in the wind, in my memories, and in the energy they gave and left this family. I’m very grateful even if they took my heart with them. I believe they will come back. Someday, somehow.
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Dogs are the weirdest creatures. Of all the heartbreaks I’ve encountered in my life, this one was the most painful, and yet this is the only one where I deliberately dove in. Despite knowing it will end in heartbreak, in anguish, I consciously chose this life with her. And I never ever regretted it. It was amazing.
Polly was an amazing dog. Despite contracting Erlichia at age 2, she constantly fought it. She was even diagnosed to last no more than a few months in 2019 and yet she lived another 4 years. And in those 10 short years with her, I learned to constantly fully live in the moment with her, never failing to share her joy, delighting in her innocence in the littlemost things. She taught me lessons about forgiving fully and loving without limits. In those remaining years, I learned to prepare myself for the inevitable but then again, here I am now. I thought I was prepared, but you’ll never be. In spite of everything I did, I can never support the illusion that she would always be here for me in this lifetime, even whispering a silent prayer at night asking to give me more time with her, whatever it takes, I’ll do it.
But I think it’s warm and sad and wonderful and painful and beautiful at the same time. There’s such beauty in that hard honesty that dogs’ lives are so short… in accepting and giving love while always aware that it comes with an unbearable price.
My heart dog. My sunshine. My bestfriend. The love of my life. I love you forever. I've read somewhere that dogs go when they've taught us the lessons we need to learn and when they're fully ready to become human. In that case, come back to me in any form or way. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay because I’ll miss you everyday. You waking me up in the morning, the constant papansin whenever I’m working, your brattiness and your charm. Your presence is all over my room and in this household and I don’t think I’ll be okay any time soon. But even in the end you were the goodest girl. Everything happened so quick, you never gave me time to react and be stressed out. You just decided it was time to go so as to spare me from all the bother. Thank you still. I love you very much. I bet there are plenty of balls out there to catch and coconuts to eat. I love you forever.
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Me: *showing a clip of a 5 ft alligator found in the body of an 18 ft Burmese python* ohmygod look at this!!! *cringe*
O: yan yung recurring theme ng Attack on Titan that. That the world is cruel.
Me: I would just like to live in that part of the world na full of rainbows and butterflies lang and it's warm and cozy and full of sweet things. Not this! It's so dark and evil!
O: that's just part of it. Pero di naman yan evil. I really think what is natural cannot be evil. Like a lion eating a dear, or storms and hurricanes. They are naturally occurring. But they are not evil.
Me: How about humans? Ang nature ba nila is really not evil?
O: mm. not necessarily. Humans are inherently not evil. But they have evil tendencies. It's up to them if they want to act on those urges. But they are not naturally evil.
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A bit of life update from your girl traversing her thirties
Just thought of putting some thoughts I have now that we're reaching 25% of 2023. Could you believe it? We're already a quarter in! Time flies a lot faster now. And it's not just relative. I've read somewhere that time is a bit faster now compared to a century ago or something. But don't quote me on that.
I've been busy studying while balancing it with work. I'm still preparing myself to get that Solutions Architect certification I've been planning last year ever since I get my CCP badge. But along the way, I got a wee bit distracted and did some side quests and got myself two more AWS certificates and another one for data engineering. lol
There are two (or three) more of these that I'm also planning to get but boy it's been very tedious since they have separate exams that I also need to pass. So studying for my SA-CO3 exam, then studying side by side for the technology certs eats up a lot of my time. I spend a lot of my free time reading whitepapers and listening to Cantril's SA course.
Then I also did a side quest since I'm undergoing a bit of a role redefinition at my job (which I am very excited about. Also the main reason why I'm working hard studying for these courses) so I'm doing short Coursera courses as well. Things are very exciting indeed!
And on top of that, I'm also squeezing in some time to take my yellow belt in lean six sigma. Hoping to get it before the end of the first half of this year.
So yeah life is pretty exciting and a bit overwhelming lately. The good kind of overwhelming. I've watered down my target books this year to 20 so I can focus on my studies but it's there. I'll still do a couple of book reviews.
Speaking of books, I was telling OJ a few days ago about my fondness for my kindle. If you've heard our conversation midway, you'd think I was talking about a specific person in such an intimate way. But I recalled saying something like:
me: If I would personify my kindle, she's that low-maintenance friend.
O: uh huh...
me: yah! like you can not talk to her for months and she won't get mad at you because she knows that you're both cool with it. And when you do catch up, you can bring her to a small coffee shop and just chat throughout the day and you'll be sure you'll still have a blast.
O: because she's interesting and has lots of stories to tell?
me: yah! and she's literally low maintenance. You don't need to bring a lot of money to hang out with her since you're not going out to shop. You're just there to chat and laugh all day long. Unlike iPad where you know you have to get dressed and be all put together since she's gonna bring you somewhere fancy or you're going to take photos and stuff. Don't get me wrong! Ipad is a great friend as well but she has a lot of things going on. You need to worry about her not getting scratched up, and her battery life. Unlike kindle! You can leave kindle for two weeks and her battery life is still great! I love her so much
O: you seem very passionate about this.
me: You think so?
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Also on a different note, I still have a life outside. I just watched Harry Styles live and I had a blast! I also went to a Korean actor's fan meeting and had so much fun!
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