whatifwechange

[whatifwechange]

The Marathon Continues

In loving memory of Nipsey Hussle THA GREAT <3

Quite recently I've been feeling very motivated and inspired. 

It probably has to do with the death of Nipsey Hussle, who died on Sunday March 30, 2019 or because of Nicole and her will and dedication. 

I only started listening to his music not too long ago and due to Billy, but his words, talent, and motivation has inspired me to great lengths. He has always done many things for his community, protected the ones he loves, represents an oppressed society and people fighting to get out of the slavery mentally that has filled our generation. He's humble, private, and extremely woke. He knows what he's talking about and what he needs to do to change the community he's in. 

His album and lyrics give me a reminder everyday and the words of 2019 for me now are:

Do better, Be better

Double Up

Victory Lap

Marathon

Hussle

Sacrifice 

Its not about wining and sprinting through everyone to get there faster, its about the journey to get there. It doesn't take .5 seconds to reach your goals but you have to be committed to never giving up and hustling to get what you want and what you need. 

Even though you're tired and drained and feel like giving up, RUN ANOTHER LAP, you're victory lap. When everyone thinks you aren't able to complete what you said you started, prove them wrong. 

We are capable of so many things, but we don’t go beyond our reach to maximize or even witness our capabilities. 

It’s disheartening to hear, but we could acquire so much money, knowledge and power by enabling our mind to only listening to the voice inside of us thats screaming positive thoughts and thoughts of motivation. We are forever scared to reach our potential because it looks so far away, almost hard to grasp but we have to remember that we can achieve only as much as we think we can. The possibilities are endless, its about time to be fearless, willing to do things that are extra ordinary. 

We need to keep learning and growing and reading and understanding and listening and grasping to concepts that seem otherworldly but possible. We need not to get comfortable and push ourselves to the highest peaks. Its possible to get that dream car or home or get your back account to 6 figures. Don't shut yourself down or out. Make goals everyday, every week, year and never stop. I'm sure its going to be hard to sacrifice our luxuries and things we cave into on a daily basis but we can't stop working for what we want. 

God is the same yesterday, today and forever… but we’re not. 

We aren't on this earth to stop learning at a certain age or listening to our elders or kids. We aren't perfect beings and we are never going to be, but making crucial decisions to keep benefiting yourselves and the ones around you will always be the best decisions to make. We need to live an effective life, one thats filled with faith, and sacrifice and surrounding to our demons and opening ourselves to new opportunities. Stack your money, get what you want, its possible. 

[whatifwechange]

You Deserve a Wild Love from a Gentle Soul 

July 2, 2018

I haven't written a journal in a minute or written a blog of some sort and my life has been so busy and confusing these past couple months. 

Jahisya. 

Let’s start some time in March. I met a boy… I mean I already knew him but his name is Jahisya and I really like him, a lot. We’ve talked ever since, he's been there since Terence and Kareem and all the other guys I told him about but he shot his shot and aimed right in my court. We hit it off and started going out on dates and such. (Bowling, A lot of movies!, Sit in the car and talk, Dennys, Downtown Brampton, etc). I made sure this time I didn't tell anyone about him except saying little things like “going on dates, and saying there is a new guy but no one in particular”. I felt like everytime I had something good going for me and I told someone it always got messed up and I wasn't trying to have that again. He’s really fun to be around and we relate and connect which is good. It feels good to have someone to talk to when you're feeling down sometimes or even excited abut something. I don't really get to close or personal with people so for me I give a little at a time. I want to be bold with my heart and the people I feel for. 

As much as I want to tell people more about me and open up, people always give me a reason not to and I just keep everything to myself, There was a little point in time when we didn't see each other for almost two weeks and honestly I felt things slipping and it kinda sucks when you want things to work but you have a gut feeling that somethings off. We talked about it though and everything is good and I guess you could say the “fire” is here again or the “spark”. 

This is the furthest I've ever been in a “relationship with someone”. Its been 4 months thus far BUT we are not dating (truly anyone that can talk to me for more than a week deserves an award, but … if anyone knows me, they know I love the attention and people claiming me to be theres. I love the kisses and the hand holding and making people know that it’s something. Its not that I want the attention from everyone but it hardly feels like I get it from him. I shouldn't have to beg for that kind of stuff, right? Aside from that, he doesn't drive, yet. Soontimes, I literally had to convince him and bring him my laptop and he signed up. Obviously you cannot change a person and absolutely nothing is wrong with him, he actually listens to me and is very sweet and kind. I find myself always thinking about him all the time and wanting to hang out. I just want someone who can never get enough of me!

Characteristics I like about him: 

Kind 

Caring

Loving 

Thinks about others

Truthful and Honest 

Loyal 

Patient 

Understanding 

Funny

As you can see he has some great qualities and I am very lucky to have him. To be honest, the “relationship/situationship” is moving quite slow. How can I be yours and not be yours and we are unable to tell your own friends. I’m just waiting for him to be bold and act like he “likes me”? I know he does but sometimes it doesnt. We try to hang out often because texting doesn't cut it a lot fr a lot of people. You always need to be in person and find new qualities about the person. I know for me in particular I need to see a person I like in order to keep the vibe going and have the ongoing fire that you have when you start liking someone. 

I guess all in all, I have to find a way to build my courage and vulnerable state so I'm able to allow others in. I've never done this before and I'm still learning, still stubborn and unbearable guarded but I'm figuring it out. 

Thing I look forward to: 

To be more open 

More comfortable 

More vulnerable 

More loving 

More adventurous with each other

More bold

- Recent Dilemma -

At the beginning of the month of June, Billy came out of nowhere and told me he was falling for me. This legit came by surprise because he would always tell me to call him “kuya and brother” and he would give me advice on Jah Jah and all the other mans in my life. Billy has been a literal rock in my life AND I FEEL LIKE CRYING WOW ! Ok well he's been there for me and I would have never thought we would get so close the way we have but we did. Since that confession he's made, we still talk and at first it was super friendly but somehow recently I have literally fell in “like or in love” with this kid. I think about him all the time and I can't get him off my mind half the time. We hang out after work or before work or even days we don't work. He's fun and bubbly and gives a fire to my life that I've never had before. He's so confident in his endeavours and makes me feel wanted. Theres so much I can say about this boy but i’m just going to keep it in my head. 

The only thing is I'm stuck between the two and I don't want to be stuck, I want to know. I really like both but Billy has all the qualities I want Jah Jah to have and maybe I'm being selfish keeping them both and a little shallow, but I want Jahsiya and I to work rather than Billy, but he’s my Kryptonite. 

[whatifwechange]

Journal Confessions: 2018 Already Handing Me Lessons

I’ve recently come to realize that in the past 3 months of 2018, Ive learned three very eye opening ideas about myself. I have learned so much about myself and have accomplished so much already since the beginning of 2018 that I might pass out from shock. Looking back at my “New Years Resolutions”, I have almost completed most of them and we have only made it through a quarter of the year. I have chosen to open myself up to whole hearted FORGIVENESS, STRENGTH, AND VULNERABILITY. If you know me, this three courageous words mean a lot and are very difficult for me to achieve, but I have opened myself up to the world of possibilities. Lets begin with January. (F,S,V). I left my dream school and the prestige at UofT and began going to Humber.. a college. I decided to humble myself and trade in my unhappiness in sociology (English? History?) to do what I was passionate about at Humber for Bachelor of Commerce, Marketing. I am so much happier, a little busier, but this is what I wanted. I had the strength within me to keep pushing and I knew that I would get in. Although, I had my doubters (my parents), I believed in myself and now I am happier. The next step is to finish my years at Humber and then apply at UofT for my graduate studies and come back in the full circle. 

Relationships with People ——-

During the month, a certain someone (Bean) decided to come back into my life and text me wanting to just waltz into my life like he never left for a month. I decided to say no, and go back and forth, my mistake, and finally gave in this month (March) and say no as a final answer. I didn't like the way I handled it, but I’m happy that I didn't give in. I decided to be a little vulnerable with myself and of course  it f**** me over again. I didn't pour my heart or soul into anything, but I did and it cost me a lot, especially with my close friends and people I told him about. Its all over now so lets not let negative energy into our circle. But after everything he did, I still kept forgiving him and I think God has really taught me something about forgiveness its absolutely crazy. I can give and give (second chances, a job) and some people won't care and thats fine but at the end of the day, I came back and said if you ever need anything you can still talk to me, want a job? I got you! Need someone to talk to about whats going on between you and your mom? Best friend? Sister? I have your back and he kept taking and taking and taking from me when I literally didn't have enough to give him! And he was so good at communicating forgiveness and that he was sorry and thats why I kept running back because I truly thought it could work. I didn't want to listen to outside sources because they might have biased my opinion, but Khenya was right… I was just delaying the inevitable. And the thing is he isn't a bad person, he was actually going through some stuff and maybe thats why I felt bad for him but at the end of the day I wasn't going to voluntarily drag myself down into this situation multiple times when I KNEW I was stronger than that. 

And every guy (T and Bean) kept saying they weren't like the other guys. They all said “don't put me in the same category as that guy or this guy, I'm different” but yet they all do the same thing, it’s like watching a domino effect. They all do the same thing and expect different results. At the end of the day, I was going crazy because it was like WHO DO I TRUST. Theres only so many people I can trust and open myself up to before they take me whole! I was talking to Adam De, and he gave me some good advice and he said sometimes attraction comes in many weird forms and sometimes people just want to “fix a person” and we sometimes get roped up in the chase, but it doesn't take much for a relationship to become a burden. What I wrote to him: Honestly I really liked you, a lot. but you cant just come in and out of my life when its convenient to you. I just value myself too much to constantly volunteer myself to throw my kindness and forgiveness to others who just leave it. i really hope this is a learning opportunity for you to learn how to be considerate towards others. 

The thing is if I don't forgive the bad ones, I am going to screw up my chances with the good people in my life and I cannot lock off my mind and heart because some people hurt me because when I meet genuine, nice people I will be skeptical and not trust them. I think ultimately we are stuck between what we know and what we feel. Thats the problem with being vulnerable with people who are bad, they take so much from you when you never gave them permission to and give you nothing in return.

[whatifwechange]

“Why is love intensified by absence?”

— Audrey Niffenegger (via quotemadness)

[whatifwechange]

New Years Eve Extravaganza : Half Girl, Half Star

It all started around 5:00 pm on December 31st. Started off and kinda ended off as a dead night at Jacks. All the hosties wore red lips and all black and of course  I was drink expo for the night. Not that I minded because I saw everyone there on there ins and outs.

Here are some special moments I can recall from New Years Eve Billy telling everyone he has never been kissed The actual countdown till New Years Kyle and Jendayi’s house and all the Peeps there. Kirsten and Avi’s confusing advice Free Champagne Avi and Kirsten making out Lost phone in Uber

Lets start with Avi pulling me into a corner to tell me he doesn't know exactly how to phrase how he was gonna word it to me but told me to be careful. He said don't let Jacks ruin you and take over your life. There are slime balls and disgusting guys at Jacks on the low. I am a pretty girl and people can take advantage of me so to be carfeul. Somehow I feel like he was missing out a part but beside that I thought it was confusing yet thoughtful. (Later that night Kyle pulled me aside and asked what Avi told me and I told him I’d just keep it a secret because Avi told me not to tell anyone and he got offended and said “oh so your tight now, you trust him? Y’all ever hang out before”) —- whole night v confusing.

Kirsten: Told me what I basically already knew but wanted to etch it into my brain so that I didn't end up like her. She said I knew who I was and that I was pretty and understood a guy couldn't take advantage of me but also said I wasn't like the rest of them… she said “you feel it when your up there with them that you're not LIKE THEM. Theres something different about me and that I have something going for me. School, my looks and I should be careful that Jack Astor’s doesn't ruin me. She told me to promise her that I wouldn't stay too long and I wouldn't let it take over me. She said that I was like half girl, half star. She told me she didn't want me making the same mistakes as her. I can't remember everything and I wish I could but she saw something in me. Both her and Avi for some reason I don't know why. It was a great start to the New Year I must say.

I stayed back an hour till 2:15am cleaning the messy restaurant and ordered a Sour Amaretto tall glass and Jacked Up. I don't know what I was thinking. I need to chill. I ate chicken fingers sauced with medium and honey garlic.. which is amazing and then we basically had a cleaning party until we finished and couldn't decide whether we wanted to go to the Trap House or Teesh’s party.

ended up at the Trap Mansion and blasted music and smoked and drank. I had four shots in total not to mention straight Wray and Nephew.. took it like a champ though :) The only annoying/aggravating thing to happen was the judging. I felt free and like I was having fun, not disturbing anyone, not belligerently drunk and yet everytime I danced or even spoke. Kyle would look over at me sorta in embarrassment at one point I was dancing and he said “we better not take her to the club” or “she can't come, you can't dance” whatever it was I felt like leave me alone! You know. He's all buddy buddy with Mateo and now Billy and I felt like hop off my back, man. He’s had his time to party a decade ago let me live now.

Fast Forward: left my phone in the uber on New Years and Uber driver did not return it for two days. Very pissed and don't feel like typing the whole story. Maybe for another time. Also Kirst and Avi kissing wow wow wow. Anyway, my new Years motto is be be good, do good, and look good. HAPPY 2018. Very excited for what God has in store.

[whatifwechange]

Dreamy Asks 💭

day dream: if you could do anything with you life what would it be?

morning light: what do you hope to accomplish internally?

soft dew: what’s you favorite smell?

fresh linens: are you a sensitive person?

light breeze: what are your favorite childhood memories?

moscato: what’s your ideal summer-time date?

chunky sweaters: is there anything that makes you feel at home no matter where you are?

fresh baked cookies: what helps you sleep at night?

early evening: what do you love the feeling of on your skin?

watercolor sunset: what’s your favorite flower, why?

fluffy clouds: how often do you get sad?

twinkling stars: tell me something unique about yourself!

shooting star: what do you need the most right now?

[whatifwechange]

Do you have a hobby?

self destruction 

[whatifwechange]

Date a boy that calls you just because he misses your voice.

[whatifwechange]

Date a boy who loves to hold your hand

[whatifwechange]

Good Movies for Rainy Days

- Before Sunrise (1995)

- Before Sunset (2004)

- Before Midnight (2013)

- Scream (1996)

- Closer (2004)

- The Notebook (2004)

- Donnie Darko (2001)

- The Goonies (1985)

- The Breakfast Club (1985)

- Point Break (1991)

- Top Gun (1986)

- Stand by Me (1986)

- Fight Club (1999)

- The Departed (2006)

- Cruel Intentions (1999)

- Pulp Fiction (1994)

- American Psycho (2000)

- Inception (2010)

- Sixteen Candles (1984)

- Clueless (1995)

- The Blue Lagoon (1980)

- American Beauty (1999)

- The Usual Suspects (1995)

- Romeo + Juliet (1996)

- Harry Potter series (2001-2011)

- Labyrinth (1986)

- The Parent Trap (1998)

- Seven (1995)

- The Craft (1996)

- Titanic (1997)

- Love Rosie (2014)

- Grease (1978)

- The Lost Boys (1987)

- Xanadu (1980)

- Mamma Mia! (2008)

- Heathers (1988)

- Dead Calm (1989)

- The Princess Bride (1987)

- Dirty Dancing (1987)

- Ferris Buellers Day Off (1986)

- Bring It On (2000)

- Leon: The Professional (1994)

- Shutter Island (2010)

- Tuck Everlasting (2002)

- Lord of the Rings trilogy (2001-2003)

- Pride and Prejudice (2005)

follow me @babydaffodil if you want a part 2! 🍯

[whatifwechange]

I daydream of an apartment in the heart of Paris. I’ll walk around in lace lingerie. I’ll sip red wine with the one I love, as we watch the sunset. Our heads thrown back, laughing at the world.

Cricket (via itreallygetsonmyboobs)

[whatifwechange]

[whatifwechange]

friend: don’t you ever worry about men thinking you’re high maintenance?

me: *in a silk bathrobe, on my 5th step of my PM skincare routine, trying to choose between 8 colors to paint my nails according to what best suits my mood and skintone, a cup of dandelion tea cools on the counter top, mixed with lemon, chia seeds, and raw honey* nah

[whatifwechange]

I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.

Audrey Hepburn

(via

madame-amour

)

[whatifwechange]

I crave love in the most innocent of ways, I crave to say goodnight, and give forehead kisses and overly tight hugs. I want to lay beside you, and be wrapped around you. As nothing more and nothing less.

[whatifwechange]

☕️

[whatifwechange]

nat kelley pour a current affair