whatthejwang

[whatthejwang]

I wanted to take some time to reflect on my thoughts and write about them.

Sorry for not appreciating you more. You deserve so much more than I gave you. Sorry I became someone you couldn’t love anymore. I spent too much time focused on the things that I thought mattered but instead I was drifting further away from you. I was self-centered and arrogant, and I used you as a crutch to carry me and validate myself. One of my biggest regrets is using you to justify my 2018 Fall semester. You're right. It wasn't your fault. I ruined that semester for myself. I'm sorry for doing that to you. I spent so much time feeling bad about myself and never did anything about it. I spent so much time doing that, I didn’t have enough time to pay attention to you and your needs. I was selfish. I just kept lying to myself, telling myself that I needed time to relax instead of going over to your place. I let you come over to spend time with me while I did who knows what instead of cherishing what little time we had in our busy schedules. I'm sorry that it always takes you getting fed up with me for me to start changing. I'm sorry that I'm all talk and no action. I want to reevaluate my own life equipped with the understanding that I have gained. I want to start being true to you and myself again.

I want to work on myself and us in the Fall. Sometimes I say things are impossible, because I don’t believe in “nonsense”. When I saw that our schedules didn’t line up, I made plans. But, I was so stupid so I just skated by on the easy answer and said, “I guess we won’t see each other” when deep down, I knew that I could damn well get off my ass and go over to your place and cook you dinner, have some wine, and play a board game. I'm sorry about that.

I know that my lifestyle has been a large issue for you. My energy level has defnitely decreased since we first met, and I have gained a lot of weight since then. I feel tired a lot more often and lead a sedentary lifestyle because of it. I don't want to make excuses to you saying that I have been lacking as a boyfriend because I gained weight and feel bad about myself. I'm making it a goal to get back in shape this summer. Not just for you, but also for me. I miss when I had an abundance of energy and my body felt like it was healthy. I'm pretty sure you know, post workout high is real. I felt like I had so much more energy in the Fall that we met. I also know that I'm kind of a slob. It's a really bad habit of mine, and I'm trying to change it. I hope you'll stick around to see me throw away my trash in the fall. I also want to work on my mental health. I haven't been in a really good mind state and instead of facing my issues, I've packed them away and let them sit there. I want to take control of my life again and deal with the problems that I've been having. I'm sorry that all of this has had this effect on our relationship and you.

I think that there was something lost in translation in my head when I thought that I wanted to date someone completely different from me. I initially wanted to experience new things and get into new interests. But instead, as time went on, I ended up interpreting that as I can have my interests and she can have hers and that’s ok. I somehow twisted that thought into the idea that I don't need to show interest in what you show interest in. Having that talk to you was very eye-opening when you said all of the things that I like and I was, but I couldn't say anything about you. That is one of the emptiest moments of my life. And I'm deeply and extremely sorry about that. I want to take time to learn about you and your goals an passions. It's not you job and not fair for you to just be my cheerleader. Every time you would plan someone or want to go do something, I would’ve just rather stayed in my room. I was comfortable there. I became too complacent in my life and our relationship to see that I was tearing us apart. I can’t change the fact that I never went stargazing with you after that night in the beach. I can’t change the fact that I couldn’t get the idea that you loved that moment through my head. But trust me when I say that I want that. I realize now that there are experiences that I will never get to have if I don’t do them now, while I’m still young and here. I want to share these moments with you. I want to dance around on the beach at 3 in the morning and stargaze. I want to point at the whale that showed you the goods at the aquarium. I want to take a walk in the park. I want to stomp in puddles. I want to hype you up when you walk out into the room with that new outfit on, or when you cut your bangs, or when you're doing drunken history with your friends. I want to travel to new places and see new things. I want to go see a show at the Fox. I want to lean how to stop chasing the money and start chasing my dreams. I want to sing to you, your music or mine, but mainly Ed Sheeran. I want to slow dance in your room, because that shit is cute, and I love you. I want to cook for your again, good food or bad (I know you would prefer good, but sometimes it just happens). I want to talk more. Not about our days or what we want in the future. I want to talk about things on your mind, the whimsical ideas. I really miss just talking about nonsense. I want to surprise you with flowers. I want to show you new foods, hopefully ones that you'll want to eat! I want to take out out to so many more anniversaries. I want to send that good morning/ good night text. I want to ride that huge ferris wheel that we see every single time we try to leave campus. I want to get drunk and go watch comedy. I want to go on weekend trips with you, just us two. I WANT TO TAKE YOU ON DATES AGAIN. Not just dates at Chick-fil-A. This list could go on and on so I think you get the idea. If you want to hear more let me know! I want to stop buying your love, and be your love. I understand that just paying for things isn't good enough. I want to stop protecting you and start loving you for who you are. I want to stop taking myself and my life to seriously. I want to work through my own problems, so I can be better for you. I want to take more interest in your goals and aspirations instead of being so wrapped up in mine that I don't pay attention to you at all. I want to hear your plan to create your own company. I want to see that drawing of a snail that you drew an hour ago, no matter how bad you think it is. I want to become friends with your friends. I want to learn how to care for you again. I want to be there for you, no matter how hectic my life gets. I want to stop taking myself so seriously and love you unapologetically. You make me a better person. If I am able to get one last chance from you, I will turn all of the "want to"s into "will"s. You have my word, however much that means to you now. But know that I am adamant to get my life together and be the best I can be.

I’ve had a girlfriend for the last six or seven months, and I understand now that I want a relationship instead of just “having a girlfriend”. I'm sorry again that it took me this long to realize this when we've been arguing about it for the past couple of month. I'm sorry that I have been reluctant to change. I know this puts you in a hard place, and I'm also sorry about that. I want a relationship where we both contribute to create a rich and meaningful bond between us. I want to communicate effectively. I know that you need your space right now, and I understand that. Please do whatever you need to do to be happy. I want that for you. I want you to reunite with your friends, and discover new things about yourself. But, I want to be a part of your life again if all possible. I want to show you who I really am. Who I am out of my shell. Who you fell in love with in the beginning. It's not your job to coerce me out of it, I just needed a wake up call. I don't want to lose you because of my own inadequacies. I know you said that a relationship shouldn't be this hard. Please let me show you that ours isn't. It has been my fault this whole time. I understand and can admit that now. I want to show you what this relationship could be. Like they say, hindsight is 20/20, if I knew that my actions would cause this, I would've faced myself and forced myself to change for the better a lot earlier. I was lost. Very lost. I now see how much this has affected you and I want to make it up to you. Please call me if you need anything, I just want to chat, as friends no strings attached. You can even set up ground rules. Once again, I'm sorry that it had to come to this for me to realize that without you, nothing else really matters that much. Please don’t cut me out of your life. I can and am going to do better. I know that this is all talk right now, but I'm thinking of this post as a road map to what I need to do to be the best me I can be. I hope I can ask you on a date again come fall and show you how far I've come. Until then, please don’t forget about me. You are the most important thing to me, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to understand and appreciate that. I want to be with you, I want to stand by you, and I want to love you. I want to kiss you and hold you. I will be better. I love you. I love you so much, honey-bun.

P.S. Please call me if you see this, I miss chatting with you.

[whatthejwang]

Bruh

This fucking blows but I guess you need space so I’m going to give it to you

[whatthejwang]

@justadashofbleh

I remember the first time I saw you. You were just another girl, but you weren’t. I knew there was something about you. Something special. I was a little irritated that wasn’t able to walk you out, but it was fine. I knew I had gotten my foot in the door with that second shot of Malort. I was so excited. I wanted to impress you, so I made sure that I got you your own bouquet of flowers for Run for the Roses just to I can make sure you knew how much I liked you. When you smiled when you got those flowers, that was one of the proudest moments of my life.

Your commitment to our first date is unparalleled to anything I’ve ever heard about a first date. Like who goes and practices using chopsticks because their going on a date for ramen with some Chinese dude?! You do, apparently. For a first timer, your skills weren’t that bad. I just like poking fun at you. I’m so happy that I was able to grow a pair during our date and ask you to beach weekend. I was so happy when you invite me to Lyre Ball. I had told myself that I was going to go on so many sorority events that fall since I was going to meet a bunch of new girls, but that’s beside the point. I would like to point out that you just let off one of the ripest farts I’ve ever seen or heard while asleep right now. Anyways, when I got to Lyre Ball, I had no clue what was happening. I thought I has gotten into to some country ass event with a country ass girl. Dixieland Delight is now one of my most played songs on Spotify. Cowboy boots are a part of my wishlist now. You made me who I am. A true southern boy, drinking Natural Light, screaming Roll Tide, being a raging conservative, and yelling Country Roads at the top of my lungs.

On to beach weekend. Being drunk in the car and yelling songs at the top of my lungs to try to impress you with my singing wasn’t the best decision in my life, but I was glad that I was singing to you. That long talk on the beach that felt like eternity let me know that you were something special. Or at least better than my date the year before. The way you took care of me on our car ride home while I was hungover and puking my guts out for 5 hours was the most patient anyone has ever been to me.

After that, there were Cheddar Bay Biscuits, late night shacks, and dirty girl scouts. Semi formal was a blur, but I had such a good time with you. I was Jason Kemp for Halloween and proceeded to lose my blazer, but that’s beside the point. You took six shots of soju like a champ, and that was the first night that I got the privilege to take care of you. You were puking your guts out! Thank God you were still alive!

After that, we settled in a little more. I started cooking pasta for you. I convinced you that it was the only thing I knew how to make. But it didn’t matter because you loved it. And that’s all I cared about. Eating popcorn with chopsticks, drinking Capricio with any container we could find, using face masks, and tying man buns were the things that we would do.

After Thanksgiving break, it was revealed to me that everything was not OK. Something had happened during Fall break and there was something wrong. I didn’t care, and I still don’t. I knew that I loved you and I wanted to take care of you and make sure that you were ok. I skipped classes to stay with you. We would spend all day talking. There weren’t many laughs, but there was plenty of love. As your emotional status deteriorated, I stood by you. I wanted everything to be ok. I know it’s hard to believe, but I wanted to marry you after everything settled.

When you attempted in December, I didn’t know what to say or think. I came to visit you in the hospital and was so ecstatic when I walked through those doors and saw you. I knew that thing were getting better. After you got out, we went on winter break. Those were some of the hardest times for us. I couldn’t hold you, and I could only watch while everything slowly crept up on you again. I felt so powerless. I felt hopeless. But I stood strong because I had so much faith in you. In us.

The first couple months of the New Year were pretty bleak. You got kicked out of Harris, we weren’t going to class, and the issues had come back. My relationship with your family had grown, we were able to start sleeping through the nights, and I got to finally meet your dog with a diaper. Things were getting better. During finals, you attempted again. I don’t know why I wasn’t as shook as I was before, but I knew that the first thing to do was to make sure that you were alright. You went home and figured things out, and then the summer began.

When I got back, it was for your brother’s wedding. I met your whole extended family and I loved it. You were doing so well, and it was like we had normal lives! When you walked down that aisle to our song, my heat skipped a beat. I almost leaned over to your uncle and said, “That’s my girl”. You looked so beautiful. I knew and was determined that I wanted to marry you. We had a great time at the wedding and then Monday night happened.

All I can say now is that I’m sorry that it happened. I didn’t mean for it to end up like this. I’m so proud of everything that you’ve achieved and I cherish all of the moments that we have had together. I hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me to the terrible thing that I have done. I love you. You are the one thing in my life that never fails to make me smile. I can’t do it without you. I need you. I’m addicted to you. I want to marry you. I can’t take back what I have done, but I hope that we can do so much more. I love you, BAS.

[whatthejwang]

Oh dear

Hey guys. EVERYONE, and I mean EVERYONE who reblogs this post BY MAY 5TH 2019 will be getting a small monster design based on your blog theme, name, or profile picture. Let’s go.

[whatthejwang]

I want to be your home. I hope you'll let me.

[whatthejwang]

You

I never thought I would meet someone as great as you. I guess you could say that I had no clue what I was getting myself into. The more I spoke to you and contemplated why we would work as a couple, my feelings for you grew, but my ability to articulate them aren’t. I didn’t understand this feeling of attraction to you and not being able to explain it baffled me. The more we talked the deeper I fell for you. It wasn’t like any relationship that I had been in. After a month, I made my decision that I wanted to be more than just “talking”. As each word you spoke left your mouth, I was drawn closer to your flame. I felt at home. You made me feel warm inside. When you told me about your sexual assault, I was appalled. I didn’t know what to say. In that moment, I wondered to myself, “What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with her?”. After some thought I realized that it wasn’t my fault, or yours. It was circumstances that were out of our reach. It hurt to see you take the blame for everything that was happening while I couldn’t do anything. That feeling that I had for you never wavered though. That first time that night when you said that you loved me when you thought I was asleep, I wanted to say it back. I’m not going to lie, I was scared to say it back. What if I got trapped in a relationship with ANOTHER “crazy” girl? I don’t know when the shift was, but at some point I realized that none of the bullshit mattered. What mattered is that I loved you. Period. Through the next few months, you seemed to deteriorate. After Thanksgiving, I thought that it was the end. You gave me so many outs but the very back of my brain just wouldn’t let me take them. I loved you too much to give up. I held on to optimism and the hope that one day we would be perfectly fine. I encouraged you to talk to people and see professionals that could provide you with help. I’m sorry that I told your parents. I realize that I make mistakes, but I promise that they are with my best intentions. Through this whole journey, I realized that there was no fixing you. There isn’t and wasn’t anything to be fixed. You are you. And that’s who I love. I cling onto every word and thought that you tell me, craving for more of you. When I said that “one day, we would be perfectly fine”, I realized later that “perfectly fine” was wherever you were. You are home to me. Wherever we are together is where I’m happy. It doesn’t matter what mood you’re in, you’re my sunshine. You know more about me than any one in the world. I hold your rocks and you hold mine. I want to walk the rest of my journey on this windy, rocky path of life with you. I want to wake up every morning for the rest of my life and see you laying on my chest. I want to fulfill your wildest dreams and give you the life that you deserve. I want to show you the happiness in life. Not everything is rainbows and unicorns, but the small things matter. The flowers in the vase, the breakfast in bed, the spontaneous drunken proposals. I am excited to see what the future holds for us, for you. I know you’ve had a rough patch and are still struggling with your thoughts, but I want you to know that you can lean on me as much as you want m, any time. Let me take your pain, insecurities, and problems. You don’t have to do this alone. I hope you can take my hand and we can walk together into the future where bright sunny days and warm cozy nights are. I love you more than words can explain. I love you more than my actions can show. Only time will tell how much I love you, Brooke.

[whatthejwang]

every now and then i think about life without you. and its just dark. there isn’t anything there. and thats why im so paranoid about every little thing. i dont want to lose you.

[whatthejwang]

Sometimes I have a bad day and get in a mood. I’m not mad at you, or anyone else. I’m just frustrated that I don’t have control over my emotions every now and then. I miss you and love you so much. I don’t know why seeing you have fun with your other friends doesn’t make me happy. I want you to be happy, so that should make me happy right? I think I just miss you so much that I’m jealous that other people get to have fun with you.

[whatthejwang]

I don’t ever want you to feel pressured by me. I know that I have my own flaws, and trust me, I’m working on them. But please, don’t ever let those flaws make you do something or think something that you aren’t ok with. I want to wake up with you every single morning for the rest of my life. Just looking at you every single day keeps me going. You bring me so much joy and happiness and I wouldn’t trade it away for anything in the world. With all of that said, I don’t ever want to be the cause of your pain. I will never hurt you. I love you too much to put you through any more than you’ve already been through. You are one of the bravest and strongest people that I have ever met. I don’t ever want to make things harder on you. Even if it means holding in my own fears, anxiety, and feelings.