whatwillilosefirst

[whatwillilosefirst]

for the first time i can remember i experienced what its like to have no food noise

i didn’t count calories

i wasn’t worried about eating too much

I wasn’t worried about turning down food

i wasn’t worried about missing out on a food

i wasn’t overthinking my appetite or lack thereof

i wasn’t stressing over taking my fat blockers

i just did it all

i ate yogurt sometimes

i drank yakult as a meal

i didn’t crave

i effortlessly remembered the pills

i didn’t eat anything for fear i wouldn’t get another chance

i was satisfied with a couple chocolate covered raspberries and then stopped because I didn’t want more

my brain wasn’t screaming and weighing options back and forth every time there was food near by

and i did this for a week

It just happened

i wasn’t gonna gain weight

i felt completely fine

i still dreamed of my body but it was quiet and peaceful and sure

and at some point today

i felt it start to come back

all the thinking and debating and decisions and the fear

the realization every time i put something in my body that i was massive and ugly

if i never get that quiet back i might actually go insane

i can never let go of that

[whatwillilosefirst]

Reposting the di3ts again cuz it got taken down

[whatwillilosefirst]

grocery lessons

so i went to the store yesterday to get myself low cal options so i dont go insane and so i dont make people suspicious

Low cal tortillas-25 cal/tortilla

turkey lunch meat-25 cal/two pieces

light cheese-50 cal/piece

lettuce-10 cal/3 pieces

konjac noodles-6 cals/.5 cup

strawberry meringues-1 cal/piece

Overall im happy with my haul, but the meringues were a bad choice because they are too snackable.

i ate like twenty last night and ended up on a mini-binge

thankfully having my other stuff helped slow my momentum so i didn’t end up with thousands of calories. Still, i wont be buying meringues again. they are too risky and they’re not even satisfying.

i do need to keep something sweet and low cal in the house because my biggest binge contributor is seeking a taste (sweet or salty usually)

ill probably get carb smart chocolate pops because those are only 50 cal/piece and last long enough to cut the craving

i might try eating straight salt sometimes to stop salt cravings.

[whatwillilosefirst]

rip my old body

I used to look like this without sucking in. im gonna get this back

[whatwillilosefirst]

i miss my real body

ive always had the this feeling that the only parts of me that *feel like me* are my bones and my eyes

everything else just feels like its in the way

i love feeling and fidgeting with my hips and collarbones

i love seeing my sternum standing out of my chest

i love seeing my individual vertebrae sticking out in old photos

i used to start uncontrollably grinning when i saw my body

i want that again

[whatwillilosefirst]

i woke up and didn’t magically lose 50lbs overnight

SOMEBODY SEDATE ME

[whatwillilosefirst]

i recently dumped my fiancé

dumped is harsh

but i did come to the conclusion kinda fast

in my defense i did categorically disallow any thought i deemed a threat to our relationship

stupid, i know. But eventually i started going insane from all the bad stuff happening and not changing and happening and not changing and…

anyway point being im not a very social person so im down to two friends and a serious lack of emotional vulnerability

obviously this thing here doesn’t count cause yall aren’t actually being real people here and yall dont actually exist until you decide to give up time and energy for another person-thing that doesn’t really need to exist in your head either. Basically nothing is real here, schrodingers cat style. im sure he’s rolling in his grave over my misuse of his conclusion (or not, better pop the lid and check)

i probably could be less of a selfish jerk and just talk to people who care about me

but wheres the fun in that!

xoxo, gossip girl (i dont know anything about that movie)

[whatwillilosefirst]

IM BACK

im the heaviest ive been, lost all my fasting ability, and im using my crumbling mental health to propel myself back into this shit.

i hate how i look and how it makes me feel

i know i love myself and feel genuine joy about myself and my body when im smaller

i dont get that any other way so im back

its a weird way of taking care of myself

Certainly this isnt an indicator of horrific deep-seated issues with myself or control or approval or anything. What are you talking about psycho? I’ll kill you!!

[whatwillilosefirst]

those jeans you used to wear arent "too tight".

you're just too big!

[whatwillilosefirst]