wherebonesareburied - Tumblr blog

[wherebonesareburied]

Hey, I just need to get this off my mind. I miss you. I valued our time together and appreciated being around you. I never meant to hurt you, and I never wanted to lose you. There was something about you that added color to my world and for that, I'll forever be grateful. Selfishly, I found myself seeking to be one of the reasons behind your smile. It was my overwhelming belief that you were someone worth celebrating. To be honest that's something I don't how to apologize for. I hope we can talk things out and find a way forward. I don't know how to fix this and perhaps it's not for me to repair. Our friendship is meaningful to me, and I'll always be glad to have met you. I hope you know you were enough. If this is truly the end I just want to say. Thank you for the memories.

[wherebonesareburied]

Hey, I have to say this to get it off my mind and heart. I never asked you for anything or to be anything to me other than yourself. That was what I appreciated the most about the time and the experiences we had together. I was just vibing and going with the flow of things. Moving with zero expectations while simultaneously being down for whatever. It wasn't complicated for me. I enjoyed being around you so I was wanting and willing to do things with you. It was never my intention to hurt you or cause you any form of suffering. I was trying to do the opposite. Expressing that to you was difficult because your ability to relieve what I saw in you conflicted with what you see in yourself. I wasn't here trying to fix you or anything of the short. For me, you were easy to accept and care about despite your rough edges sometimes and all the "ups and downs." I would love it if we could or could've just sat down and had a conversation and figured out a pathway forward versus you just throwing it all away. I never wanted to lose you. To be clear, when I said I was done too. I wasn't referring to you or our friendship. I was referring to the situation that was at hand. I didn't want to fight with you about how you were feeling. I was trying to be considerate and accepting of it. We have a complex but beautiful connection and friendship. Sure, we both go crazy sometimes, and it manifests in different ways. To me, that was just a part of us being okay with being who we are while striving every day to be better versions of ourselves. The support we had to see each other get there. I apologize if you felt discomfort for my actions it was never my intention. If you truly find peace in my absence more than you did in my presence. I will find a way in my heart to let you go. Just know I'll never regret caring about you. Or you being a person I wanted to do life with. And I'll always be happy to have met you. If this is truly the end thank you for the memories.

Sincerely,

Superman

[wherebonesareburied]

I'm okay but if you were to ask me on a deeper level I'd say.

I didn't want to lose her ever. I just wanted to be one of the reasons for her smile. I wanted to create memories and moments of happiness. I never worried about getting too close to the sun because I trusted my wings wouldn't melt. I found myself loving her on accident in every interaction despite our ups and downs. For some reason, whenever she was around, life just felt different. It felt special. I wanted nothing from her but found myself wanting and willing to do any and everything with her. There was no place I'd rather be than by her side no matter what was going on. It just felt like somewhere I belonged. I told her she was my favorite. A word that encompassed everything. I hope my absence gives her the happiness that my presence never could. I'm so sorry I still managed to fuck this up.

[wherebonesareburied]

This act is getting harder and harder to pull off.

[wherebonesareburied]

I do not have words for the way I miss her but yet I still don't call.

[wherebonesareburied]

Everything is my fault

Loving you

Desiring to be a reason behind your laugh and smile

Willingness to travel

Desiring to create memories

Wanting to share new moments, places, or things

Finding myself wanting willing to stand by yours idea through the good, the bad, or even against the world

Everything is my fault and I regret none of it.

[wherebonesareburied]

The truth is when it came to her I was down for whatever. I felt relaxed and didn't feel like I needed to be in control of everything. I wasn't for or against anything. She was a person I'd go to war with but not someone I wanted to be at war with. You say I'm being dishonest or delusional about what I wanted but I just believe anyone seems to understand. If life was a plate she was the umami. I'd be cool on a trip or sitting on the living room floor talking.

[wherebonesareburied]

The craziest thing about all of this is. You don't Respect me. The reason you don't respect me is that I make you feel loved, want you to be around, and care about you. You are mad at me for doing something you said I could do knowing exactly how I was going to pull up. Knowing I enjoy celebrating you and would do so in excess. You knew because you claimed to know me. Your hostility towards me says more about how you feel about yourself than anything else.

[wherebonesareburied]

If I were honest all I want is to sit across from over a cup of coffee or tea and talk. The truth is I don't want to lose you so if we have problems I'd like to solve them together. The reality of it all is whatever it takes.

[wherebonesareburied]

There is just something about you that compelled me to want to walk with you no matter where we are going. Through any battlefield or war zone or the sand of any beach. I never really questioned or tried to figure it out. I just wanted to go wherever it led. Unbound and unstoppable. When I was with you it felt like we could accomplish anything.

There's something about you that makes me want to walk by your side, no matter where we're headed. Whether it's through tough times or peaceful moments, I've never questioned this feeling. I just want to follow wherever it leads. When I'm with you, it feels like we can conquer anything.

[wherebonesareburied]

I was never mad if anything I'd say I was sad. But I have no regrets. You're weird but even still there's is no other strange bird I'd rather dance in the pond with. In every lifetime.

[wherebonesareburied]

So what are you mad at me for? You knew 1000% the moment you gave the okay how I was gonna pull up. You know I am the guy you bumped into in life that would rearrange the stars in the sky to make you smile. I cannot apologize for who I am. Or for the fact I care for you in the way I do. It's you who has to figure out for yourself why me being who I am is enough to make you cry.

[wherebonesareburied]

I want you to know I'm not mad at you for returning the stuff. I feel like we have a beautiful friendship when things are going right. I am not going anywhere. I want you to be in my life, and I want to be in yours, but im not going to fight with you to be there. If you want me to be in your life, then we have some stuff to figure out. I think it's worth figuring out. Also, if you ever have questions of why I am doing something for you or the kids/family or why I am willing to. Honestly, just ask me. I promise you'll get no better answer. Overthinking or speculation is only ever going to lead us into these situations where you push me away and need space.

[wherebonesareburied]

I told you after my accident I'm done fighting you. I want to be a part of your life and I want you to be a part of mine. I'm not going argue, fight, or beg for this to be the case. I know what I deserve and what my worth is. It's not this toxic "game" we seem to play. I love the time we have together, the conversations, and the memories we create. You have some stuff you need to work out for yourself in regards to how you FEEL when it comes to me. I've done my best to navigate every boundary you put in response to your feelings involving me. Your overwhelmingness due to me being present or for anything I do. I realize now that it's who I am that's the "problem". So it's not my responsibility to navigate your FEELINGS. You know who I am. I'm the guy who is down to do everything with you. The trips, the stores, restaurants, the hangouts, all of it even sitting on the floor talking about nothing or just Cracking jokes. The one who is wanting and willing. But also can leave you the fuck alone when you need some space. The best friend that picks up the phone. Even if it's something that causes me to drive an hour to do something that takes 10 minutes. You cannot ask me to treat you like everyone else while you also treat me differently from them too. You have to decide if you want me here or not. If you don't then that's unfortunate but it will be fine. And if you do we have something we need to figure out together. This overwhelmingness from me doing anything needs a healthier outlet than these fights and pushing away. And you villainize the fact that I care about you as if it isn't the fact we care about each other.

[wherebonesareburied]

The final assessment,

It didn't have to end this way but if our friendship is truly over then I want you to know I have no regrets. The saddest truth is we didn't stand a chance because Something happened in your life that taught you that you either weren't worthy of love and being loved or that you were difficult to do. Perhaps the purpose of our meeting was for me to show you how easy it was to do so. Perhaps the other element was to show you how resistant you are to receiving it because you bought into that narrative you're undeserving of it. Maybe someday when you decide to face that trauma and deal with that hurt. When you're done self-sabotaging everything good that happens to you to reinforce that harmful narrative. You can paint that smile on but the reality is you hate yourself, who you are, and how you act. I hate that for you because you have such potential to be this loving beautiful person in just about every way. I truly hope someday you will finally be open and able to have a healthy relationship not just with a partner but also with yourself. If that should ever come and you find yourself looking for me or me in everyone else I apologize in advance. I tend to leave big shoes to fill.

Sincerely,

Bryant

[wherebonesareburied]

1. I'm not mad you for wanting to return the stuff. I offered you serval times for me to take the clothing that you indicated was a step too far for you.

2. No matter what I did, we would've ended up in this position regardless if I got you 1 thing or 100 things. Receiving the gift is only part of the equation, and who gave it to you is the other half.

3. This back and forth we've been doing is toxic as fuck. I told you after the accident I'm done fighting with you. You either want me in your life or you don't. Its not my responsibility to figure why just me around you is overwhelming for you. It's yours. You need to figure what those feelings are and what you want to do with them.

4. If you don't want me in your life, that sucks, but it is what it is. I can accept it and respect it.

It didn't have to end this way but if our friendship is truly over then I want you to know I have no regrets. The saddest truth is we didn't stand a chance because Something happened in your life that taught you that you either weren't worthy of love and being loved or that you were difficult to do. Perhaps the purpose of our meeting was for me to show you how easy it was to do so. Perhaps the other element was to show you how resistant you are to receiving it because you bought into that narrative you're undeserving of it. Maybe someday when you decide to face that trauma and deal with that hurt. When you're done self-sabotaging everything good that happens to you to reinforce that harmful narrative. You can paint that smile on but the reality is you hate yourself, who you are, and how you act. I hate that for you because you have such potential to be this loving beautiful person in just about every way. I truly hope someday you will finally be open and able to have a healthy relationship not just with a partner but also with yourself. If that should ever come and you find yourself looking for me or me in everyone else I apologize in advance. I tend to leave being shoes to fill.

Sincerely,

Bryant.

[wherebonesareburied]

Me? Oh, it's simple. I just want to be wherever you are. If I think back to my fondest memories I want to be able to dust them and find your fingerprints. Be the reason you smile on rainy days, and make you laugh even if the world feels like it's on fire. You are a person I want to do life shit with.