whinecrate

[whinecrate]

22/4/24

It's just

You knew I'd leave you over this

You knew it was pretty much the one line i actually did have

You said it yourself that you were mentally preparing yourself for a breakup

And the three times that you've tried before were pretty bad trips ik cuz you vented to me a decent bit

So just

One would assume

It's pretty likely

This one wouldn't be too different

It can be the best so far but that's still not saying much

Do you realise how worthless it makes me feel to know that you'd still pick that over me?

[whinecrate]

22/4/24

And actually yk it does bother me when you just leave inbetween to go on walks i just didn't think too hard about it but yeah that's actually a pretty shitty thing to do to make plans and then ditch them when someone else calls you go date aakash then

But I do understand you need people you get bored and i don't wanna stop you

Which was probably why I never said anything in the first place even thought about it much to begin with

But I'm not sure if this is something i would have wanted myself to put up with

[whinecrate]

22/4/24

Yk he talked so much about being a mushy romantic and still does technically count himself a mushy romantic i suppose but honestly I don't think he is anything like that and a lot of times it feels like huh does he care about me at all

Like honestly

I put more effort into the gift for my bestfriend than he did for mine

I have an entire note with a list of things he likes and potential gift ideas and this shit takes me time and effort and planning esp cuz he's so difficult

Like you don't even get points for trying if it's 2weeks before and you have to ask me what I want and then settle for some random thing you find last minute like yeah you'll do and you want a pat on the back for that?

All that and he wants to preach how I don't and never will like him to nearly the same amount he likes me

[whinecrate]

20/4/24

We're too different as people which need not be a problem but once it is what's the point in pretending otherwise

[whinecrate]

21.3.24

"no, I feel like your ideals are kind of rubbing off on me and right now it feels like it is going to do pretty much a decent amount of damage and I like the way I think I feel like it works. both ways are very realistic way which I kind of want to keep. maybe at least like for now and I think about it later"

Yeah I think that's enough now.

He's actually a decent guy and no one gains anything by getting him all pessimistic about it too.

And it's boring if we're both the same person.

And I'd feel so guilty if I ruined it for him.

It feels like breaking him.

I think that's enough negativity for him.

From now on probably just steer clear of marriage/dating talks and if you do have to talk stick to happier stuff or atleast vague ig.

[whinecrate]

This is pointless you're just gonna always feel like it's one sided and I'm just gonna always feel like nothing I do is ever enough.

We should just stop it before it gets worse.

[whinecrate]

Tf does he mean you're the movie person i just come on call for you

Why do I even bother with it then

Well atleast ik now ig

[whinecrate]

Me

1. That one time he was like down and I was mean and he felt like yeah that's not something a girlfriend would say in that situation

2. Ruining sweetheart for him by calling him that and when he actually liked it reacting badly ig?

3. Gate i felt like he was over confident about sub 500 being not hard when he got almost 4k this time and he felt like I was kicking him when he's down

Him

1. Joking about getting his tinder acc back

2. Weed even though he knew I would hate it maybe enough to break up with him

3. Whatever that was when he was like quizzing me and saying idrc about what he says etc and saying the wall was much better than me etc

4. The late night drive with anshi but more importantly how he sees nothing wrong with it at all I mean even if he doesn't see anything wrong about it it's just he didn't even think of how people would see it which is just..very different from me..and idk how i feel about it but also anshi of all people? She has no respect for boundaries and using people and seeing how far she can take it

[whinecrate]

19.2.24

Anniversary

It's been an amazing year of dating and nearly four whole years of knowing the prettiest most adorable boyfriend out there😇😇

Thank you for all the late night convos that I'll never get bored of and for listening to all my "scary" rants and answering all my ridiculous hypothetically questions aka my versions of would you love me if I were a worm and for putting up with all my attitude and all my bullying and for everytime you patiently wait for me to wake up which is pretty much all the time 🙂🙂

And in return I'll keep listening to you bitch about the people, some more than others, the earphones, the overly sweet drinks or food, and anything and everything that has ever existed under the sun I'll just clingy onto your arm and listen to you fangirl about planes and car and whatever other nerdy shit you're into atm as long as you don't quiz me about it later and I'll get you flowers everytime I can

You say being one of the best people you know is a hard title to obtain but you dislike most people it's not that hard buddy

Now me on the other hand i like plenty of things and people so it's quite an achievement to be my favourite

And pulling me when I had no intention of dating at all is an even bigger achievement and look at us now a whole year later we're amazing at this experts at dating at this point practically professionals if I say so myself

So here's to many more years of mutual bullying

[whinecrate]

4.5.23 presumably before we went home for summer 23

The stones are from pondi the ones I made you carry along with the shells and you always did want me to draw you something and this is like buy one get one free of getting you both cool rocks and flowers so ha top that loser

[whinecrate]

Happy Birthday loser

You should be thanking me for not covering the whole thing in glitter do you have any idea how tempting it was

I'm not gonna be cheesy cuz that's your thing but just so you know if there were a zombie apocalypse and i could only take a few people with me I'd take you even though you add no value and will probably die pretty early anyway

And you are a nightmare to buy stuff for cuz you never want anything so figured you'd prefer effort n handmade stuff. Hence the dino it matches mine just like the mug toldja I'd get you matchy matchy mugs both are pink cuz you babygirl are very pink (would have matched the hair if you had just cooperated)

And the rings just cuz you don't have any and they were simple and minimalistic and figured if you had to wear rings these would be more your style .. and the fidgety one cuz puppy brain ofc..I may have gone slightly overboard cuz i liked them all and couldn't pick but you should just be grateful i didn't buy you extremely girly ones with lots of stones like my sister wanted me to..

but dw I'll find other ways to make you suffer in the future

But for now I'll let you enjoy your day

Happy 21st birthday love

[whinecrate]

(idr when but when he was joking about installing Tinder again when he went home for Pooja holidays or something in 23)

Ok so in general i always do feel very replaceable

Like you don't have to say anything to make me feel better ik I'm amazing but it's more of what people need from another person atm etc and like rn this combination of people work better but knowing it doesn't help like you'd still feel it ig idk what I'm technically getting at

And it's also cuz i hate needing/wanting anyone/anything more than they want/need me actually ig that's just for wanting i just overall hate ever needing anyone at all and not a fan of people needing me i want them to want me

But like yes so even in friendships like at any point sach could just start spending more time with someone else and end up closer to them n I'd definitely feel it a lot but like I'm just gonna be like yeah whatever in fact id probably pull back more so im not in the way and actually I did kinda feel it in the beginning with sach n pro

And i also hate being a person who'd be jealous cuz it's their life if they want someone else instead of me if that works better for them rn then why not I'd just hate being the reason they're staying out of some obligation when they'd rather have someone else

And friendships it's fine cuz you do have different friends and it's sorta fluid and it varies and anyway it just happens and it can fade and blah blah blah I don't really keep friends so like it's fine I'm used to it

But here it would be more idkkkk just in general it's a relationship so like *vaguely gestures cuz i don't have words esp cuz it's been while so it's like died down and i had other stuff to deal with*

Also my opinion of you isn't complete trash you realise that right and before we were dating also I have straight up told you that yeah you as the version ik if you were just like that they definitely could like you so it's not like i think it's so impossible for you to ever get other girls

And full honesty I have considered like yea what if it just hasn't hit you what if it's just your incredibly low self esteem and what if at some point you get enough attention from someone else

And anyway doing things on purpose to see if they get jealous kinda feels like testing you ig..? or like remember when we talked about the thing about proving or giving reasons to stay etc it feels kinda like that too

And i don't like the concept of doing it for the reaction cuz yeah sure possessiveness hot n all but you know they don't like it cuz who wants to be jealous obviously so its just agitating someone for your amusement

But main point being i just do in general feel extremely replaceable so jealousy doesn't mix well and I don't even like considering it

And i didn't wanna talk about it in person cuz i felt like if I started talking about it I might start crying that's what I meant by some convos I'm better over text than in person

[whinecrate]

2.12.23 the embroidered card before leaving campus

See I told you I'd give you your beloved cutlery and when I say something I do mean it so I do mean it when I tell you that you really are a pretty amazing boyfriend and i couldn't have asked for a better one

I mean you know how I was with the concept of ever dating at all but I'm so glad i did and I'm so glad It's you you've been nothing but green flags since the very beginning from a distance if you squint you look like a medium sized tree

Point being yeah I might just maybe maybe miss you a lot actually

[whinecrate]

Things I like about him ig

Warm

The thing when he's holding my hand and squeezes it inbetween

Twirls me and if Im convincing enough he'll twirl

Pulls me towards him randomly

Stops me from swinging hands

Kisses and yk..

Makes the interest obvious no mind games

Respects boundaries

Not yk possessive etc

Respectful

Comfortable safe space kinda feeling

Is nice to me which doesn't sound like much but it's about treating me right as a person atleast>>>romantic gestures which btw he would probably do if I were into it

And is fine with me being difficult like this

And if I point out like I'm not fine with this etc doesn't get defensive esp over minor stuff or take it badly can apologise and make an effort

I can tell him almost everything without judgement per se and in confidence and the talks are long and enjoyable and silence is also fine

Not too bad to look at actually and the curls are grabbable and decent body and we do work physically ig and he's also pretty invested in pleasing me so yay?

Voice and way of speaking

Considerate ig?

Sensitive topics etc does know to handle it with class?tact?

Peaceful dramafree life

Let's me bully him and bullies me back but I'm always fine with it cuz mutual understanding and i need to be able to call eachother bitch etc

Communication we have it and it's good and we both put in the effort for it

Not too emotional or egotistical can think things through logically and ig agree with me that us as individuals has priority over the relationship

Loyal fssssss ngl the cheesy romance stuff isn't completely lost on me

Confident enough in his masculinity ig? I mean he'll suffer through nailpolish and he's sensitive enough etc not much for appearing all macho his fav colour is like lilac ffs

Sense of humour matches

Doesn't expect too much from me and wouldn't push for anything idw or am not comfortable with

Hopeless romantic actually wants to do cute boyfriend things but isn't overbearing about it it's kinda adorable

Good with words i might take it for granted sometimes but god that's so attractive to me

Getting the extra chair for me to keep my legs on

Randomly gushes about me being pretty or my eyes or yk typical hopeless romantic stuff

Let's me put flowers in his hair and nail polish etc just deal with me put up with me

Small touches etc to just have some contact makes me feel wanted

I do not like that he tried weed when he knew it was a hard no for me but i like that he was honest about it tho

[whinecrate]

5.2.24

I could be overthinking everything.

But when he changed over the course of the relationship i didn't really think about the possibility of him changing for the worse ig?

Worse is strong opinion i suppose.

But I mean... just ..more like every other guy who just wants sex etc..

Like maybe it's fine and he won't be anything like that.

Maybe it's fine and it's preemptive and it's reversible ig idk.

Just the whole convo really threw me off and made me take a step back and it felt like i didn't notice him change a bit too much into a completely different person than i thought he was. Well that's dramatic but it was just a side i thought he didn't really have and it makes me question things he has said before the whole sex being a need thing and i always thought he was supposed to be idl sweet and considerate and emotional n all but i really don't know anymore. Considerate i mean is he ik he wants to be and probably thinks he is but in reality he's not that much like a lot of it is basic stuff i laid out for people in general and I'm a pretty open book anyway. And he thinks he has no ego but imo i feel like he just has a different kind of ego about being laid back and chill and no ego basically about being flexible and nothing fazes him or whatever about being soft and considerate and thoughtful and romantic and now about being smooth and flirty and confident and good in bed in the sensitive guy way who wants to make up feel good cuz he cares when in reality I'm pretty sure it's about the ability to make to feel good to brag that he has me wrapped around his finger that he could make me cum so easily and with the right guy idem feeding that delusion i just no longer know if he's the right guy. And sometimes the romantic stuff the cute cheesy stuff idk how much is actually worth anything what if it's all just bullshit what do ik. And i feel so shitty about doubting all this in the first place. Idk idrk anything rn.

And I'm probably making it worse with the whole thing about us not having a future. If we did then maybe he would have been more for staying with me but idk if it's just genuinely how he sees it now or any level of resentment. Maybe he genuinely thinks all that or maybe it was atleast partly to hurry me or whatever ig but also at the end of the day he's a blr guy so what else did i expect but maybe he took that as an insult and the rest was retaliation or something idkkkk.

And the friends with benefits thing I mean I don't know how I feel about how he thinks about it or about how he looks at sex now so casually. And tbf why shouldn't he what's so wrong with it. But ig i worry about what that means for me for us does he just see me as idk. Ig not will he eventually just see me as a way to get sex or just something to fantasise about or idkk. But that from him would probably really really affect me ig.

And it's horrible timing cuz he has the interview tomorrow (well today considering I'm writing this at 1:30 am) so I can't ask now or tomorrow cuz another test and maybe interview but should I be talking about it in the first place cuz he's allowed to think whatever he wants those were honest answers honest thoughts and I'm just his girlfriend and we've accepted that it's not going anywhere so what right do i have to say anything to feel anything about it at all.

[whinecrate]

13.9.23

Reasons why I'd be a difficult person to marry:

1. Idw kids ever. Def not my own cuz pregnancy childbirth not my cup of tea too exhausting and painful and takes too much of a toll on your body even in the best case scenarios. And don't want babies or toddler or teenagers or even adult kids really tho beyond an age they're easier to look after. Adoption is too complicated. Expensive. People have opinions on how they should be raised. Subject to change tho but that should be my decision.

2. Not gonna be Christian enough for the Christians and too Christian for the non Christians.

3. Wanna live separate from parents just the two of us. Larger families more drama and resentment. And fitting into the guys family isn't what I want. There would be no freedom in that and too much criticism. I want my own family.

4. Idk how I'd manage my priorities with Amma and sa. Cuz id need to look after them. Whoever i marry has to be fine with that. More than fine with that.

5. Complicated mess of a family that they should be fine with. I'm not asking them to like them because Idl them either. But they should be fine with the fact that I'm related to them.

6. Except Amma and sa. He needs to like them atleast to some extent. And they need to like him too or approve of him for me.

7. Extends to his family too. Doesn't have to be perfect but there needs to be some support someone to turn to for help etc cuz atleast one side of our family should have safety nets support network etc

8. Wanna have separate rooms and separate finances..? Maybe..?

9. Not completely mallu not completely anything else either

25.12.23

10. No dowry ig?

11. Financial situation. Cuz I'm not well off enough and idk how feasible it is to survive with someone else at the same financial status. But marrying above hurts my pride I'm probably pretty insecure about it and i would hate hate hate to be thought of as a gold digger or for anyone anywhere to think I'm marrying them purely for the money. And difference in financial situation implies difference in lifestyles and if they're too used to it and can't live down if necessary idt i can accept them for it.

10.4.24

12. No wedding fuck that

[whinecrate]

9/4/23

It could be the lack of sleep it could be the frustration of not being able to fucking eat anything and not being able to pinpoint why but then again it could just be that it's my bday and I get weird on my bday. As you should. Bottom line i feel bitchy much bitchier today than yesterday and yesterday was already kinda bitchy well it's probably same level of bitchiness but today there's gonna be more people and more triggers and it'll be much harder to make sure I don't snap and say the wrong thing to the wrong person

The thought is appreciated it's nice that you wanted to get me something but when people don't get me something I can appreciate that ok they respect that I didn't want anything but when you get me something regardless then it's like..wow you went through all that effort to show me how little you know me? Aw thanks

I mean what have I ever owned that's fucking pink. And bright yellow. And the expression is cute yes but the creepy kinda overly cute like when people have extremely sweet stuff. It's something I would get for little everyone who gave it to me before I get it for myself because it fits literally all of them more than it fits me.

And I hate people leaving me to decorate and prepare stuff for my own bday. I never asked for it it's nice but I don't really want it it's just that people actively telling me to leave ik that's not how they mean it but it's really hard not to take it like that and it makes me feel far lonelier than if they had just not done anything at all for it.

And I really do hate surprises.

And I really hate not liking any of this because ik they did try and they did put in effort and it just makes me feel unreasonable and bitchy to not like it and appreciate it like a normal person.

I really wish I could just disappear till the days over and show up tomorrow and everythings back to normal.

I genuinely feel fucking horrible i could cry i really want to i wish people would leave me alone

The wishes are nice tho. It's nice when people do remember and wish you. I wouldn't have minded if they didn't but it's nice when they do.

......

Ok my mood got better as the day went by.

They meant to get me the boba tea plushie but they couldn't so they got me this. Which technically I knew. Fair.

Taruns gift was cute too the card especially.

Spent most of the day with him and it was actually extremely nice. Lunch was nice desert was nice killing time was nice. The celebrations were also nice and i didn't even get cake on me. He was gonna kiss me. Actually going to. And we almost did. It was really really close but I got too nervous. He's really sweet and considerate and I'm glad things are how they are.