whiskeykesh - Tumblr blog

[whiskeykesh]

It's unfortunate how drunk driving and needy women are my thing.

My newest vice is watching cigars burn as I relentlessly sip bourbon.

Most people blame their parents or their environment for their adult trauma/issues.

I fathom that I know exactly what I'm doing and just roll with my bullshit.

I see my weight go up and down like a roller coaster and I know it's my violent love for chocolate that keeps me at this theme park.

We all die, so why not go into that darkness doing the things that bring us joy?

Honestly, fuck a coffin just burn my remains. No one has come back with a sexy brochure from heaven. Shit, Jesus still hasn't fucking returned for his idiotic believers so what's really after this?

I'll work until my body fails me. If I die before my wife she'll get my 401k... so what's keeping me going?

Port & Tequila shots are a horrible mix if you're ever wondering. I'll stick to my Brown liquor and afternoon gazes at the snow capped mountains. At least the steak and zucchini came out good.

849pm and I'm pondering my purpose on this spinning rock. No fucking clue. 45 spins... 46 more in 19 days. It seems like I've wasted a lot of it. I guess.

[whiskeykesh]

It's in the past bro.

3:42am, Paul Davis

[whiskeykesh]

Superbowl is a holiday for me.

Some of the best nights with family at Bubs house.

[whiskeykesh]

This is Basil Hayden. Aka Lil Cuz. Aka Tookie Williams Reincarnated. ❤❤

[whiskeykesh]

Adulting. I call BS.

[whiskeykesh]

2020 wildin'!!

[whiskeykesh]

When I was young I never knew why my mother drank so much. I just knew it was her favorite thing to do. She'd be in the living room listening to records/tapes/CDs until 4 or 5am. The neighborhood hooligans would stand on the corner of our home as she basically DJ'd for the hood. My father didn't drink and had to be up for work at 4am which made this ritual very strange. It wasn't until adulthood that I understood why she was this way. I also didn't know why my father allowed it. Sometimes he would mildly protest but never made her stop. My mother was holding on to so much pain and anger. Trauma from her teen years I wasn't privy to until my mother was so feeble questioning her about it would seem rude. My father had his own demons. Yet he pressed on. He loved my mother so deeply he basically killed himself to be with her every moment he could in his last years. We'd tell him to slow down but nothing could keep him from my mom. I would hear them argue sometimes (rarely) when I was young but my father never laid a hand on my mother or called her out of her name. He ensured she and my siblings were well cared for and that we were always safe. I recall being very young taking in my mother's habit of drinking. I was about 13 and by the time I was 17 alcohol was my favorite escape. With my sister's ID I was in deep into the night life. Frequenting all the gay and lesbian hot spots. Pre-gaming and showing up at the free before 10pm call time with my High School bestfriend. He and I were both running from the ridicule and veil of shame being gay had thrust into our lives. The Corona and Hennessy were enough for me at the time. It was a cloak that shielded me from the hate I saw consistently around me. As years passed it wasn't enough protection for him. He began doing drugs and swimming deeper into the abyss. I could never imagine his pain. He knew I'd never do drugs because of watching them destroy my sister, so we grew apart. Nights of blacking out drunk and hearing insane stories of my actions made me slow down. I still drink now but never to a vomiting mess. When I do it's usually in a controlled environment and there is no worry of a hang over. As I stare currently at my liquor cart, it was my mother's, I think of my mom and how much I truly understand her now. I refuse to drink alone as she did but there is a piece of me that wants to. I want to drown all my insides with this Dusse just to shut down my mind. My anxiety controls so much of my life. The 2 hours at the gym this afternoon have worn off and the hamster is back on the wheel. Living alone changes you. I needed this time though. For years I jumped relationship to relationship. Codependency I guess. Now that the holidays are nearing I'm wondering how my mind will be. I can choose one of the women from the list but no. No. Not this time. Settling isn't going to bring me contentment. Just a semblance of regret. I prefer to call it a lesson because honestly I don't regret loving my exes. I passed on a risk to be with the safe vanilla option and I am paying for that choice. Women are truly the worst drug for me but my addiction will never go away. I made a conscious decision to not get hurt and it still turned out poorly. I'll never do that again. I don't know how much time I have left but I'm not wasting another minute of it. I'll jump the cliffs. I'll ride the waves. I watched both my parents die and I can't help but wonder what they would have done differently. What can I do different now? I know I'm dying and i just want to live. I just need to figure out how.

[whiskeykesh]

Nights like this the moon makes it hard to feel normal. The dark is oddly becoming the norm for me.

I wish I could control it.

-KMH

[whiskeykesh]

Memories

I use to know what made me excitingly happy. Times have changed. Anxious about the adulting life has sequestered feelings of spontaneous glee. I couldn't wait to hang out with my friends, go on dates and shop for new shoes. Presently I'm thinking about where each dollar goes. I have a decent job with decent pay but with age I have this looming fear it'll never be enough. I couldn't wait to throw back beers or whiskey and now I loathe the idea of the calories or the odd toll it will take on my body the next day. I don't feel old and have no real fear of death but it's been on my mind a lot lately. I want more. I'm craving something in my life that doesn't seem tangible right now. A freedom that just doesn't involve more money but that other part I can't put my finger on. I need to do something, I just wish I knew what.

-KMH

[whiskeykesh]

Morning motivation.😂

[whiskeykesh]

Meh

Settling ends in disappointment. Going for the unattainable is a wild ride that for me also led to disappointment. I keep giving in and victory while delicious in the moment is always fleeting. My discontent fades in and out as I allow my vices to take over. I pretend. I let reality slither around me like smoke hoping it will dissipate but it always lingers in my hair and sullies my clothes. It's tiring making others happy but I get a strange high from it. Then when I'm reminded how it will never be enough I step back knowing my own mistakes. We want what we want. When we go for what we need it's lack of satisfaction is meh. Meh is the numbness. The shitty void. I've never been as strong as I desire to be. My fragile femininity was never masked well by my Levi's or Brogues. People who knew always knew. Wondering will I ever be truly happy is the question I have to ask myself. Where do I go from here? What do I do? How do I continue?

Meh.

[whiskeykesh]

Addict

Every time I think I have it under control, it hits like a flaming rocket. Why do my drugs taste so good!! Guess I'll do my best to be a functioning addict.

-KMH

[whiskeykesh]

Effort should be effortless if it goes both ways. Unfortunately this is rarely the case. -KMH

[whiskeykesh]

undefined

I miss the bunnies.

[whiskeykesh]

When it comes

It comes full force. Like an unexpected crashing wave. Sometimes I'm prepared and I can fight it. Who am I kidding. More like a vicious take over. You know how in your dreams when you attempt to run from the villain but you're going in slow motion? That's me against this force. And when it comes I'm rendered defenseless. Once I thought I had control, the upper hand if you will. It was just an idiotic delusion. I was a mere puppet, a guitar... strings being played. I'm so fucking weak and it angers me. Each time the force comes I say, "This time will be different." The sexy lie I tell myself.

It's here now, I'm being unraveled. Waiting on this slow continual ruin.

-KMH

[whiskeykesh]

Eye of the beholder.