whydoesmyheartache - Tumblr blog

[whydoesmyheartache]

happy birthday amy. we would have been 21 today.

[whydoesmyheartache]

drowning.

Sometimes, I can’t take it anymore and find myself drowning. I grasp for a purpose to put on my life. Why do I bother being here? And every time I’m close to the surface and find peace with myself, I get pushed down further. It’s as if the universe is taunting me. And he finds it amusing whenever I’m getting comfortable. And when I do, he finds me a new problem or disassembles an old one to throw at me. But my lungs can only take so much, and each time I fight back, I’m weaker. weaker. weak.

[whydoesmyheartache]

It's weird living in a world without you.

Today makes it five years since you left.

I used to cry on this day and many days before it

But just like that day five years ago, I find myself unable to sleep.

I had forgotten what this day meant for a moment, but I looked across my room and saw your picture above my bookshelf and remembered you.

Throughout the years, the thought of you made me feel many different emotions. You used to stand for happiness and playfulness; after that day, you used to depict sadness and guilt.

I think I was only angry with you once or twice for leaving that way, but I could never stay angry for long. Not with you.

I used to get really sad when I randomly thought of you. My mom, at some point, thought you made me depressed, but I'd been depressed years before your leaving. That's why I understand why you're gone.

I wish you would have done it differently, and I would give up anything to bring you back, but I understand.

I'm sorry this world wasn't kind to you.

I’ll make sure you live on in my memory.

Always.

[whydoesmyheartache]

that night.

TW: suicide

I remember it so vividly. I really wasn't in the mood for socializing that night, but it was our turn to host Thanksgiving at our house. It was the first Thanksgiving I didn't wear a dress, and to my surprise, my parents didn't fuss about it. I remember putting on a brave smile for my family and playing with my niece. The night seemed to stretch on forever. Finally, everyone slowly started leaving. We were left to clean up, but I felt an unsettling feeling gnaw at me. Later that night, my sister got ready for bed, and I followed. I brushed my teeth, changed into my pajamas, and crawled into bed. I couldn't sleep. That night felt different from the usual insomnia episodes I experienced. Around midnight, I noticed my parents were still up, and that's when my worry started to grow. My mom must have sensed that I was awake, and she came into my room with news that would change the course of that night. "your dad and I have to go to the hospital. Amy is sick," she said. "Is she ok?" I asked. "It's nothing to worry about," she reassured me. With a heavy heart, I replied, "Ok. She smiled and left my room. She gave me a reassuring smile and left my room. I lay there, listening as they put on their jackets, turned off the lights, and quietly left for the hospital. I didn't sleep. This day felt off, and now this? I felt like something terrible was going to happen. My mind started imagining the worst. I quickly tried to shut down those ideas, but they lingered in the back of my mind. After some struggle, I finally fell asleep. I hate remembering the following day. I don't know if my memory is accurate, but I remember the day was gloomy, with little to no sunlight. My sister and I got ready and headed to the kitchen for breakfast. I asked my mom about Amy, and she gave me a faint smile and told me she'd talk to me later after we were done with breakfast. I felt my chest tighten. I finished my breakfast and waited for my mom. I could tell there was something wrong with how she avoided the topic. My sister finally finished eating, and I asked again, "So what happened with Amy?" My mom's face turned serious. She folded her hands and looked at us. "I need to tell you two because I know how much you love Amy, but this won't be easy to hear," she paused for a moment and looked at me. "Amy wasn't sick." My chest ached as I braced for her next words. "Lupita called us saying that Amy had hung herself." I couldn't feel anything. "Her step-sister found her and called 911. She was still alive, so they rushed her to the hospital. She didn't make it."

In that instance, I only remember thinking how hard this would be for my sister. How this was going to affect her. I don't remember what I said or what anyone else said. I just kept thinking about Amy. Why? I pictured her in my mind, and all I could see was her smile. How could someone so happy do that? What did I miss? Was it my fault for not noticing?

After breakfast, I don't remember what I did. I didn't want to talk or see anyone, so I decided to take a shower. I got my change of clothes and towel and headed to the bathroom. I turned on the faucet, waited for the temperature to be just right, and hopped in. I started crying, and I couldn't stop. As the warm water cascaded over me, I started crying, and I couldn't stop. My sobs mixed with the sound of the falling water. I started hyperventilating, so I quickly covered my mouth and tried to control my breathing. I didn't want anyone to hear me. I didn't want to leave the shower, but my fingers started wrinkling. I got out of the shower and looked in the mirror, trying to see if you could tell I was crying. It didn't matter.

I continued with my life, going through the motions. The memory of that night was a permanent scar, a haunting presence in my life. I hated Thanksgiving. I hated November. I hated Autumn. It gets easier to grieve each year, but when it gets closer to that day, I go back to the night when the universe warned me.