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[whyhelloinsomnia]

March 10, 2017

I have to go home today. I think I got excited for a minute when I talked to Chase last night just because it will be nice to be able to see my things again and I’m excited to make the memory box my therapist and I talked about. Plus I’m ready to see my little sister. However, I think that my anxiety about flying (I have anxiety about not making it to places on time) is overshadowing my anxiety of being back home.

I’m angry with everyone but I know they’re all going to pretend like we’re one big happy family and try to move on. But I can’t move on. My therapist and those in my support group told me that it would be okay if I didn’t want to see anyone and lock myself in my room and deal with the consequences later. But I’m not sure if this is the best idea. I’m always thinking about how my actions affect other people, but I guess maybe now everyone else will feel how I feel. Shut out, alone, and angry. I just know there’s going to be fights and I know the blame will get put on me.

Also I’ve been really stressed out these last two days because my housing deposit for dorming next year is due tonight. It’s $1000 and I currently have $8 in my bank account... Chase told me he called my grandma about borrowing money until the tax return comes back and she didn’t answer, so he left a message. However, I texted her this  morning asking her if he had contacted her at all and she said no. So I had to, once again, be the one to ask her for money. He can never do it, I guess it hurts his pride. Well you know what? It hurts mine too. It’s embarrassing. But I’m always the one that has to follow through. He hasn’t texted me since last night, he’s avoiding me because of this. He would have never figured it out and I would be stuck with not knowing if I’m getting housing or not and my friend being angry or disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to room with her. 

I just don’t know why he can’t fucking do one thing that I ask. Like seriously. I think this was kind of a test for me because he has let me down so much this semester already, and now he can’t even do something when he is trying to make things up to me. I think he’s only trying to do this because I’ll be home this weekend and he doesn’t want to deal with things being bad. If it were any other week he wouldn’t give a shit about trying to make things better. 

I’ve been feeling myself shut down lately. Even my therapist noticed. For the past couple of days I haven’t been texting anyone back or calling anyone back. It’s too much effort. Yesterday I just wanted to lay in bed and cry and watch TV and not have to deal with anything. At that point I wasn’t even feeling angry with anyone, I wasn’t feeling anything.. I am beginning to completely shut down.

I’m trying to look forward to some things that will be good for me this week. Like seeing my little sister even though she has an attitude the size of this Earth and usually doesn’t want to see me because she’s almost 7 and she has her own life ;-). I’m looking forward to unpacking all my things and going through everything I left behind. I think I left some things that I shouldn’t have and maybe bringing them back to New York with me might help me feel closer to my mom here. I’m also looking forward to seeing my great aunt Edith. She’s old so she isn’t into any of the drama, and she’s on my biological father’s side so Chase doesn’t talk to her anymore. I think it will be nice to see family who haven’t let me down. I’m also hoping to see Megan, but she has school through Tuesday so I’m not sure. I want to see what all she wants to do when she’s here so I can start planning. One thing that’s kind of unusual for me that I’m looking forward to is making some meals. I think it will be nice to have a kitchen and be able to cook. Something relaxing that ends with a product. I’m not very experienced, but I think it will be nice to prepare dinner while I’m home alone.

Anyway, I’m checking in with my therapist on Tuesday morning because I anticipate this weekend is going to be shit because Courtney will be around. I haven’t had any suicidal thoughts since Sunday even though my family basically refuses to talk to me, so I’m really hoping being home doesn’t set things off. 

[whyhelloinsomnia]

Typewriter Poetry #1086 by James Andrew Crosby

[whyhelloinsomnia]

[whyhelloinsomnia]

[whyhelloinsomnia]

March 6, 2017

I’m starting a new blog because I don’t want to lose followers on my original one, but I need a place to be able to write. I used to write to Charlie from the Perks of Being a Wallflower when I was in high school, but it’s been so long since I’ve done that. But it also feels weird not to write to anyone, even if that person is fictional. Maybe I will write letters to the people who are in my life. I definitely want to write to my sister. 

Anyway, last night Chase called (well actually I called because he never calls me) and we got into another fight. But this time he was just being an asshole. I asked how much Courtney was going to be around when I am home for spring break and I guess she’s going to be there the first weekend I am home. Just because I think that we should have a relationship doesn’t mean that I’m looking forward to seeing her, as I told Chase. But he didn’t want to listen. He also completely denied not taking care of my mom the last year before she died. He thinks that even though he was high out of his fucking mind that he was still there taking care of her and all of us 100%. I’m not sure what is missing from his time frame, but the last time I checked I was the only one making meals, cleaning house, and taking care of my mom for months before she died. We’ve talked about this three times. The first time he denied it. The second time he brought it up and asked me if it was true. This was the third time, and he denied it, and I told him that when he was ready to hear the truth and get back to reality he could ask me about it again. Then he told me he was just trying to ask me questions to figure out what happened, which is bullshit because all he was telling me was that I was wrong and I didn’t give up a year of my life so I could take on all of the responsibilities he was to fucked up to do.

We also fought about Courtney a lot. I said that I wanted him to tell her that I’m the one going on this vacation this summer, and her spot is not secure, not the other way around. Everyone in the family has been asking me if I’ve decided to go, which pisses me off because he had told me he had this conversation with her a while ago. I said something about her needing to have reached out to me because I’m his child, but he interrupted and said “No, you’re not a child, you’re an adult. I think that’s part of the problem.” I don’t think anyone feels like an adult at 19 (which I just turned 2 days ago). And why do I have to be an adult but she doesn’t have to? I’m just so done with this whole situation. He says that he’s tired of me making him choose between the two of us, but I guess I’m going to make that decision for him when I kill myself. He won’t ignore me anymore, he won’t hurt me, and I get to be with my mom. 

I don’t want to come home on Friday. Maybe if I finally decide to end everything before then I don’t have to. He said “everyone is going through things.” But I don’t think everyone is suicidal. I don’t think that everyone lacks a parent figure completely. I don’t think everyone is as completely alone as I am. Everyone else has things to keep them alive, and I don’t. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because of my little sister. I haven’t talked to her in so long though she probably wouldn’t even realize the difference. I feel like when I say that I’m suicidal that everyone doesn’t take me seriously. Like I won’t do it. And that just drives me more to it. I can shout that I’m going to kill myself and I need help and support until my face turns blue, but my family still doesn’t give a shit. I wrote a suicide note last night. It’s sitting in my phone. It’s angry. A kid that lives in my hometown killed himself recently, but it was actually kind of hard to find out how he died because it was covered up so well. I found it though. A lot of people have been posting pictures of him and his memorial saying how much they miss him. If he felt anything like I feel, I hope they feel guilty for the rest of their lives. I hope they drown in their guilt. I’ve asked for help so many times but no one cares enough to really give a shit. Shannon didn’t talk to me for two weeks and when I told her I was upset she was a bitch to me. Chase ignores my phone calls because I ruin his life I guess. It would just be easier for everyone if I end it all. No more annoying phone calls, no more frantic texts, no more being a downer to your good times on the weekends with your girlfriend. I no longer fit into the equation of this family, but there’s always room for other people. 

I can’t fill the spot of a mother, but Chase can fill the spot of a lover. He can love someone again in the same way and move on, I can’t. And he doesn’t understand that. He can try to fill that hole, I can’t. You can have more wives, more girlfriends, but you don’t ever get another chance to have another mom. The fact that his girlfriend wants nothing to do with me hurts. He makes me feel as though I’m a second class member of this family, and she got upgraded to premium in my place. She gets to plan the family vacation, she gets to ignore me, she gets to talk about having kids and a family before my mom has even been dead for a year, and I’m supposed to sit on the sidelines and take it with a smile. Well, Chase, I guess you’ll have your future with her when I’m out of the way. 

I thought about ending it when I’m at home for spring break, but I don’t want my little sister to be the one to find me. I don’t want to ruin her even more. I took apart a razor today. I’m sacred of what I’m going to do with it. I told my therapist that I don’t have any pills to kill myself with, but that was a lie. I have some sleeping pills that if I took with enough alcohol I could die. And I know where to get alcohol, so everything’s set. I think I’d lock myself in the bathroom and turn the shower on just to be able to feel that peace of a hot shower when I go. It sucks that when I think about dying, I still want to have those I love around me when it happens, but I don’t think anyone loves me back, and that’s why I want to do this.