wickedangel276

[wickedangel276]

2/26/19

That’s ridiculous.. Several of my posts have been reported as having adult content!! I don’t post anything dirty, Xrated, etc.. One of those pictures was a face picture of mine, from back when I lost some weight before, and it was just a picture of my face....my FACE is “adult content” people?? Seriously?! If Tumblr is removing content like that, just because some idiot reported it, it won’t be long before tumblr is gone, noone will want to use it!

[wickedangel276]

2/22

It’s almost noon.. I didn’t do the intermittent fasting today. I’ve already had coffee creamer and a banana. 

I haven’t been doing the greatest at this “diet” thing. Could be worse, but could definitely be better. I’m not doing too bad I guess. It’s just a little more difficult this time, when compared to times in the past. 

I started at 309.. Though when I first weighed in at the clinic I was 302.5. But last I weighed in, Tuesday, I was 297.5. I’ve lost 5 pounds since I started at this weight loss clinic a month ago, that’s not too bad. I’ve lost 11.5 since I started trying to lose weight. I will weigh in again today, when I go to get my lipovite shot. Hope it’s not a gain, but as long as it’s still under 300, i’m ok. Though, i’d love to see a loss. Last week I was down to 295.5. Hate fluctuations in weight, discouraging. 

Going to swim later, waiting for Sierra to get out of school. Going to ask one of her friends to come with us. It’s more fun for her that way. I need the exercise, but I really don’t know that i’m feeling like it. Been like this all week. I was sick up until yesterday though, stomach virus with a fever. 

Every now and then I feel VERY motivated to eat less and move more. I wish that motivation would stick around longer.. lol Just thinking about different things, like different events coming up.....and that dread of going somewhere looking like this comes up... I want my confidence back. At this size, I feel like a huge blob of fat. No shape, just a blob. I don’t feel pretty, I barely feel human. I don’t want to feel like this. 

I felt so different a few years ago, when I lost some of the weight. I was still big at 250-260 pounds, but I looked so much better. I was just thinking about a swimsuit yesterday, I got it at that size and only wore it a couple times. It was yellow with bright red flowers...I think? Strapless. Loved it. I hope I find it when I sort through things in the basement. It’s going to be a while before I can wear it.. But I hope to get there by sometimes this Summer. I’d love to get there by June, since we are trying to plan a trip back to Wyoming by then! At very least by August, when I hope to go to the beach. I’ll do the calculation on that later. 

I guess i’d better get going... 

[wickedangel276]

2/12

I was happy when I stepped on the scale at the clinic yesterday! I met my first mini goal! I am no longer in the 300s. I’m 299. Was 300.5 last weigh in, on Friday. Was 304 last Tuesday. I’ve lost exactly 10 pounds since I started! =) 

I have such a long way to go, but am happy to see progress. My next short term goal is 275. But I have a “mini goal” of 288. Having small goals makes it easier to work toward them.

Short term goals are 275, 249, 225, 199, 175,160.. Mini goals are 288, 260, 235, 210.. 

I hope I can stick with this, this time. It’s so important to me, yet so easy to fall back into old habits. I will be so happy when I get to goal. So much more options when it comes to clothes.. Less back pain.. And foot pain.... and leg pain! I will feel so much better about myself. I still can’t get a photo of myself that I like. I feel huge and ugly. My face still looks puffy, I don’t know if it’s my thyroid or just what.. I’ve been on the higher dose of thyroid meds for a little while now, so I don’t really know. 

Even reach my mini goal of 260 will be great. I looked pretty good at that size, was ok with pics people took of me.. I wore cuter clothes, pretty dresses.. Much happier. 

I’m having a strange issue with taste. I’m keeping a kinda sweet taste in my mouth, and everything tastes sweeter than it should. It’s been making my water enhancers taste horrible. It started last night. Wish I knew what the problem is. 

Going swimming in a little bit. Probably around 10, it’s 830 now. Feeling a little lazy, but going anyway. I think. Really feeling lazy and tired. I’ll figure it out in an hour or so. They say the most important thing for losing weight isn’t exercise anyway, it’s your diet. 

[wickedangel276]

2/11

I’m a little disappointed. I had a cleaning schedule written down, and slacked off, haven’t suck to the schedule. My house IS clean, I do clean, it’s just not the way the schedule goes. I have slacked majorly on laundry, have 3 big bag and a basket of clean clothes to fold. How do three people have so much laundry???!

I really do need to get to that laundry...... -sigh-

Going to court today. We petitioned to have the jurisdiction changed to Bristol. instead of Scott county. It’s supposed to change 6 months after the child moved to a different city, but for some reason you have to petition to have it changed. I think that’s just dumb. I hope everything goes ok.

I’d so love to be able to a home. I’d love a big farm house, if it was updated or even better, if we had the money to update it! A victorian style home would be nice, too. Or a cape cod. But honestly, i’d be happy with a decent mobile home. Preferably on a few acres - but 1-2 acres would be ok. Enough room for some chickens, maybe some goats. A rose garden, a huge veggie garden! An area for a small orchard.. A couple apple trees, peach tree, pear tree, cherry tree, blueberry bushes, raspberries and black berries, a huge strawberry patch! Have a dog. 

Working on Mark’s credit. Planning to get a credit card in the next few months (probably after this loan is paid off), to build credit. His isn’t too bad. He could pay his off with a couple thousand dollars, if we EVER had it to spare. Nathan’s credit, is bad. I tried to help him get it going years ago, he was doing well, then he ran up credit cards and let them go. Now he’s stuck in a couple loans, with some late payments. It sucks, because when we want to buy a house, we want to buy one together, all of us, and he has the better income, so his credit score needs to be UP! Depressing. 

[wickedangel276]

1/23/19

I was on Facebook just now, and seen a post from my late mother’s friend.. She posted her wedding picture and an old invite to her 25th wedding anniversary in 1988. It made me think of my Mom and Dad.

My parents never celebrated anniversaries. According to my Mom, the marriage was a mistake. She claimed that her sister and one of his sisters pushed her into marrying, that she didnt want to get married. 

They were never affectionate. Never seen a hug, never seen a kiss. They didn’t make love, and I know this because I was an unusually insecure child who slept with my Mom until I was 12. So, yeah, I know they weren’t physical with one another. They had separate beds by the time I was like 9 or 10.

There were times that my Dad did try to be lovey and affectionate toward her, she’d pull away. Just wasn’t having it. I really felt bad for my Dad. He loved her. He tried. He stuck it out and took care of her and us, until the day he died. Life was unfair for him. He was miserable a lot of the time. It made him a bit difficult to get along with at times, but it wasn’t really his fault. I wish I seen that more back then and could have had a better understanding. The few times we were out shopping together, he was happier. We really got along. Until I was pushing the cart behind him and ran into him. lol Happened too many times....yeah, we didn’t get along all that great those times. lol I miss him.

They say that you learn to be affectionate and learn what relationships are all about from watching your parents.. When I started dating, I wasn’t sure how to behave. But, when I became engaged to a super affectionate guy, I learned that’s what I like, what I need. That was when I was 17. I am now married to a different, yet just as affectionate, man. He’s always cuddly, hand holding, kissing me. Says I love you several times a day. I love that, so much. By watching my parents, I learned what a cold, distant marriage is like and knew that’s the furthest thing from what I want, what I need. 

I don’t know where I learned to be affectionate. I always was.. As a child, I always tried to hug on my Mom, she would literally push me away and tell me to stop. I tried to be affectionate with my Dad, but she would make nasty accusations. So, I didn’t have the affection I needed. I think that’s a big part of why I was so insecure. As an adult, I still have my moments when I feel “insecure” and emotionally needy. Luckily, not often. I’m not typically a clingy person. But those times, I need Mark to hold me tight for a few minutes. And he does. He understands. Talking about this almost has me crying. 

I think seeing my parent’s bad marriage is a big part of why I was so hesitant to get married, my entire adult life. I finally did, but it took a while to feel ready. I never want to be divorced, so marriage is very permanent to me. I’ve had some commitment issues throughout my life. And I didn’t want to make a mistake. Didn’t want to make a life long promise to someone, then have him change into someone I couldn’t stand. Partly because, my Mom always warned me not to get married. Said the man thinks he owns you, and he will change. Part of me said, don’t believe it. Another part of me feared her being right. After all, I have dated some guys who were one way before dating them, then they changed after I started dating them. The worst was recent, about 5 years, maybe 6 years ago. He was one of my very best friends, we got together finally and he was a different person. Completely. He was hard to get over, because I missed that close friendship. Still do. ONLY the friendship, though. 

I woke up at 530 this morning. I do better when I wake up early. We have to leave here at 9, to get to his dental appointment in Gate City. While we are there, we are going to go to the courthouse and try to get the visitation/custody case moved from Gate City to Bristol. After 6 months, the jurisdiction is supposed to change. Then we found out we have to take it back to court to petition change of jurisdiction. To the best of my knowledge, I believe her bio mother is incarcerated. She is suppose to serve a year. I just received a message from her fb account saying she is home and wants her visit, but I believe it’s her mother, trying to get the visit. The custody order reads that Sierra is to be transported by the grandmother. So of course, we would have no way of knowing, since the “mother” never comes with her anyway. IF she were not in jail, she would have contacted me about previous missed visits and she would actually call me. I don’t believe it. 

I need to figure out what i’m making for dinner tonight. Had ground beef stroganoff last night. Finally. lol I had been planning it, but making something else instead, for a couple weeks. It was pretty good. I don’t know if Sierra has church tonight or not. I need to know, so I know whether i’m cooking for 3 or just two. But, they aren’t calling me back, so I won’t know until we see if they show up at 5 or not. 

It’s 814 and i’m feeling a little tired. Taking my other phentermine in 45 minutes or so. I had been taking them together, same time, for the longest time. But it’s supposed to be taken about 4 hours apart. I’ve been taking them 2-4 hours apart. They say that spacing them out gives you energy and suppresses the appetite longer throughout the day. It didn’t suppress my appetite the last couple days! I stayed hungry for some reason, ate too much. Today should be different. I had a banana, a couple cups of coffee and a bottle (+1/4 bottle) of water so far, and i’m not hungry so far. 

I need to stop at a grocery store. I’m out of ranch and cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese on a salad, good protein source. Also, probably pick something up for dinner instead of thawing something. I’m thinking pork chops. They can be made so many different ways. Last time, I thinly topped them with mustard and basked them. Everyone loved them. This time, not as healthy, but I am thinking about a thin coat of mayo and some garlic and lemon pepper, salt and pepper. Baked. One of these nights, when she has church and it’s just Mark and I, we have some thick pork chops, will be perfect for stuffing them. 

I set a goal of losing 10 pounds by Valentine’s day. Time is ticking away and i’m not doing great. Not eating at or under my calorie goal the last couple days. I don’t announce my weight freely, but I guess it doesn’t matter. You can tell im over 300 by looking at me, so why bother trying to hide it. I’m 304. My Vday goal is 294. Fingers crossed! (..and mouth closed! ha)

I want to drink more water, it’s good for my weight loss and I feel that i’ve been living chronically dehydrated. But, something...i’m thinking the coffee...has me feeling over full, making it difficult to drink the water.

I check my weight tomorrow, when I stop in at the weight loss clinic to get my lipo-vite shot. Getting them twice a week until the end of February. I hope to see some results. Also hoping I don’t have a gain, this time. When I first weighed in at the clinic, it was 302.5. BUT.. I hadn’t drank much water. I think the extra 1.5 pounds came from extra water I had been drinking. Still, was disappointing to see a gain. Please be a loss or still 304!!!! Preferably a loss. Also, planning to swim Thursday. And Saturday. Doing 2 times a week for now, working up to 3 times per week. Or more. 

I just read that exercise isn’t as important as dieting to lose weight. But, it helps. It helped me stick to my dieting last time. 

834, guess I better get off here and get ready to go.

[wickedangel276]

1/11/19 @ 2:55 pm

What the hell is wrong with me?? Instead of getting things done, I decided to lay down and nap for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into over 2 hours. Been groggy since I woke up. I feel that general “sick” feeling today. I don’t know if i’ve picked up another virus or just what.

I’m just thankful that I got 99% of the house organized before the bad days started. 

I’m about to go to Food City in a few minutes. Dreading it. Going because  it’s this big one day sale, and last month when we went,there were so many people. So many RUDE people. My anxiety went up and I almost had a panic attack, lights seemed brighter, got dizzy.. I hope it’s not the same today. They have a meat sale, buy 5 items for $15. It’s a pretty good deal. 

I need to get things done today. I really do. 

[wickedangel276]

1/10/19 At 5:58 pm

Blah... Didn’t get to clean the bedroom today as planned, or catch up on the kitchen. Looks like i’ll be catching up tomorrow or Saturday.

I did, however, get Sierra’s room 99% done! The only thing left is trying to straighten up what she’s put away. We have to get more hangers for her to put the rest away, like 59 more tops. Maybe I need to go through and get rid of more clothes? Seems like a crazy amount, already had 50 hangers and I don’t think anyone needs over 100 tops. 

I did get papers sorted today and completed several forms that needed done. My paper folder thingie looks a lot better! lol

Had an easy dinner tonight, honey breaded chicken tenders. I forgot to take the chicken out for today, had planned to have lemon pepper chicken. I think we are having ground beef stroganoff tomorrow. Looking forward to the beef roast with carrots and potatoes on Saturday. Haven’t planned for Sunday yet. Trying to plan out meals a week an advance and *trying* to stick with it. 

I get so nauseous after eating dinner lately. I hate it. 

Barely 6pm and i’m so so so tired. I was tired around 2ish. 

Going to have to take a phengren for this nausea and watch a little tv. Too tired to get anything done tonight. 

[wickedangel276]

1/7/19

I just seen a thing about loneliness here on Tumblr. Is it weird that i’m never been lonely in my life? Not that I can remember. I’ve had people around me a lot, my entire life, so when I finally do get to be alone, I treasure my alone time. I loved my alone time, the times I lived alone... I felt so free and relaxed. 

[wickedangel276]

1/6/2019

I am unmotivated and in pain today. That’s a lie, I have some motivation.. Maybe not as much as I had for a week and 1/2 or 2 weeks. But, some. It’s just all this pain. I swam for about an hour, and my legs, inner thighs and shoulders are killing me! I don’t get it. Swimming has never caused so much pain before. I say swim, but it’s mostly water treading, then in the warm pool I hold onto a bar to kick my feet for exercise. And to do some stretches. I want to get back into swimming regularly, but at this point i’m afraid of being in so much pain again. 

I bought a cleaning product that i’ve seen SO many people bragging about, called Bar Keepers Friend. It’s supposed to be amazing. I’ve heard that you can use it on stainless pots and pans and they end up cooking brand new. The first thing I plan to use it on is my ceramic cooktop. Have some burnt on rings around the burners, one is pretty bad. Hoping it works! 

Switched to cat litter crystals, instead of regular litter. The cats were a little hesitant to use it at first. lol But, it claims to not need changed for 20-30 days. Hoping it really works that well. 

I wish I weren’t so achy. I have a lot to do. I’d like to get this bedroom finished. It’s SO close to being perfectly clean and organized. I just have to organize and sort through a 3 drawer storage bin on my side of the room, my bedside table and drawer. Then on Mark’s side of the room, I need to clean off his dresser, sort 3 more storage drawers. Then, just dust a little more, sweep and mop - then it’s done! 

This coming week, not sure which day, I need to clean and organize Sierra’s room. Have to take out all the clothes that don’t fit her well, hang up a TON of new clothes. Organize her closet...which, I had organized, clothing by type and color...but with all new clothes, it’s starting over time. lol Put all her shoes in her closet. Clean off her dresser and side table. Organize everything into the 10 shoebox sized bins that we got for her room. Also got a big tote, for bigger things. She doesn’t have a lot of bigger toys though. And.......getting rid of some stuff! She just doesn’t have the room for everything. Too much stuff.

Also, today, I need to clean the kitchen a bit... Though it’s not kitchen cleaning day. Actually, no chores are scheduled for the weekend. Other than basic daily tasks of course. But since nothing is planned, I can catch up on the stuff I need to catch up on. Going to wipe down kitchen cupboards, tidy the cupboards. Tidy the fridge.. Deep clean the stove top with the new product. I should sweep and mop. I might. Or I might wait until Friday to mop, since that’s the day I assigned it for. Idk. I feel like I should clean the bathroom, but that’s supposed to be Tuesday. I did clean the bathtub and got the stains out! It’s not 100%, need to work on it....a little staining I couldn’t quite get. But it looks SO much better!!! I hate sweeping and mopping. I mean, I kinda like it...but hate it, because it makes my back pain worse. 

I think a lot of my back pain comes from my hug tummy pulling on it. But, I have some slight issues with my back, spondyliosis or something, can’t remember how to spell it. But my back pain is so bad. Much worse when standing for a while and walking. After walking through a store like Walmart, trying to get in the truck, I feel like my back is tensing up so much I can hardly move. 

I have laundry to fold. Mark does most of the laundry, because it’s down stairs in the basement and I am too afraid to carry the clothes up and down the stairs. I do it sometimes, but he has to come get it when it’s done. lol I hate scares. Probably because I tumbled down a long set of basement stairs as a young child, about 3. I remember it so clearly. Anyway, we have at least 2 or more loads to get done. He’s been really slow at getting it done. We need to get it all done, it’s driving me crazy overflowing the hamper! 

Mark, Nathan and Sierra will be going to Swords Creek for a couple hours, sometime today. I’d like to use that time to catch up on cleaning a bit. I clean better when i’m alone! Always have. But with this pain, I may not be able to do that. Going to try, though. 

I am just so happy that I am so close to having this place 100% organized. It’s going to be so much easier to keep it clean and tidy. I haven’t had a organized home since I lived alone. Even then, I didn’t have my bedroom 100%. Pretty close, but not quite.  

This is what I have for a cleaning schedule, so far, will probably add more to it later:

Daily tasks: Tidy/wipe down all surfaces in kitchen, tidy/clean surfaces in bathroom, dishes, sort mail, make bed in morning, tidy everything before bed, scoop litter box.

Weekly tasks:

Monday - laundry, dust, clean living room

Tues - sweep, clean bathroom and tidy hall

Wed - clean kitchen (including microwave, fridge, deeper cleaning tasks... it’s a good day for it, because the next day is trash pickup day)

Thurs - sweep, clean/tidy bedroom

Fri - Sierra cleans her room, sweep and mop all rooms. Or at least swiffer. 

Sat & Sun - nothing scheduled, but can catch up on things on either day, as needed. 

Sierra’s chores are dishes Mon, Wed and Fri.. Sweep Tues and Thursday.. Clean her room on Fridays. We sweep through the week as needed, too. 

PLEASE let this pain fade, so I can get things done. Folding laundry won’t be so bad, other than my shoulder pain. Same with going through drawers, should be too hard. Not much standing and walking. 

[wickedangel276]

1/2/2019

Happy New Year! A day late.....

I was too hungover to blog yesterday. Not the worst hangover ever, but I felt pretty crappy. 

Went to Cloyies NYE party. it was a lot of fun. Brought George along and an old friends, Dena, met us there. Hadn’t seen her in 8 years! Exactly 8 years, the last time we seen each other was on New years eve. It was a great night. 

I just hope going out didn’t kick me out of my newly formed routine. I had been doing so good with getting up early, getting household tasks done, actually making serious progress on organizing the entire house. Today, I woke up at 11. :( I almost woke up several times during the morning, starting at 5.....but felt too tired. Maybe it’s just going to be like this today. Tomorrow, I hope to be back on track, waking up early. Getting things done. 

I don’t have a lot to do to get it all organized. The living room, kitchen, hall and bathroom are 100% organized, down to the details! I am over half way finished with our bedroom. Then, I have Sierra’s room to do, probably next week after I get another 10 pack of little storage bins. I have to wait until she’s in school to do her room, so she isn’t in the way... lol Going to be getting rid of stuff she doesn’t use. She doesn’t need so much “stuff”. 

My Mom would have turned 74 yesterday. I miss her. I go through mixed emotions where she is concerned. I love her, and I miss her. But I feel guilty for having some negative emotions regarding the past. She was difficult at times, with her delusions, with her anger toward me. In ALL honestly, I believe she disliked me. Resented me. I will never know why. 

I know part of the reason she resented me, but it actually started many years before this....so it wasn’t the full reason. But she did resent me for being independent. I was definitely considered the black sheep of the family because I was different. I wasn’t like my Mom and brothers. I was more like my Dad, and there was a lot of resentment toward him, from my Mom and at times, from my brothers. But, I wasn’t even THAT much like my Dad, I was always different. My Mom and brother clung together...she didn’t want her kids moving out on their own, and they liked it that way. I was ready to be on my own for as long as I could remember. 

As soon as I turned 16, had my license, I was gone. I lived in my car in between homes. I lived with room mates at 16, took care of the house and was their “therapist” as they would jokingly call me. lol That lasted a little while, until one of the guys’ girlfriend got out of jail and it became a problem. Stayed in my car a short while. I then moved in with a guy I met while living there, and we got engaged. Was happy, until he went to prison. Just before he went, found out he tried to cheat on me. So I got together with his friend during the time he was away. I confessed when he got out, and things weren’t the same. He became abusive and I was out, not dealing with that. I was in between my car, spending random nights at my Moms house or friends houses, for a while. Maybe a year and 1/2 later, I moved in with a boyfriend. He was separated, and his wife was pregnant. We parted ways when she had the baby, and not long later I was living with another boyfriend. That didn’t work out. We stayed friends, but parted ways. Back to my car and where ever I happened to stay. I started staying with another boyfriend, then I got a job I liked and moved into my own little house. Alone. It....was.....amazing to be alone, independent. Then, a couple friends started staying with me, and I fell into a bad manic episode that caused me to lose my job and house. In my car again, for a short while, then Nathan and I moved in together. I was 19. We stayed together 13 years. Broke up, but are still super close. I’m friends with or at least on speaking terms with all my exes, the ones I didn’t lose touch with. But anyway, I went through a lot of turmoil, but I had a lot of life experience by the time I was 19. I’d rather look at it as life experience that a jumbled series of mistakes. What i’ve been through, made me who I am. And i’m happy with that. But the original point, I had to get out of that house and be free, and that I was, very free and wild. lol

Enough of this rambling. And that’s just what it is. lol

[wickedangel276]

12/28/2018 12:36 pm

Couldnt sleep this morning. Wanted to sleep until 7-8, but woke up at 5am. I knew i’d be tired by afternoon, and I am. Considering taking a nap. Maybe.

I did get some things done, at least. Finished organizing the hall shelves. Almost have all the bathroom drawers organized. Clean out and organized the lower cabinet in the white cabinet/buffet thing. Organized and clear off the top of the fridge. It should be a little more useful now. Still hard for me to reach things up there, and that’s where I keep the tupperware and plastic bowls. in a couple plastic baskets.I also keep my plastic cake plate, plastic pitchers and extra box of cereal. I have cereal container for the cereal in use.

I still feel overwhelmed and anxious, feel like I have so much left to do. Truth is, I don’t have much left to do at all in the main part of the house. A lot to do in the bedroom, then there is the basement and upstairs storage to deal with. But as for the living spaces, they are coming together very well. 

I will need to go through Sierra’s room when school starts back and get rid of some old things to make room for new things. A lot of organizing to do!! I have to take all of her size 10 clothes out of the closet to replace with size 14/16s. There are a few 10s that are big and still fit,but she’s outgrown the majority of it. 

Yeah, nap time sounds good. Going to try to nap, may not be able too with all this caffeine i’ve consumed. lol

[wickedangel276]

12/27/2018 @ 8:51 am

Been up since 7. Mark woke me up in the “mood”....lol And so after that, I was awake for the day. Not complaining! haha 

I like being up early anyway. He’s still asleep. lol

This cold sooooo sucks. At least 3 of us who were at the Christmas party this past weekend have sore throats. Mine is a bad cold with a sore throat and nausea. Since everyone has a sore throat, I may go to urgent care today to make sure it’s not strep throat. My throat is on fire! 

Still managed to get a little bit done yesterday, even though i’m sick. I felt accomplished. ha It’s harder to get things done when you feel like total crap. But, I folded and put away 3 loads of laundry (and I have one more to do today, maybe 2). I sorta cleaned out/somewhat organized the 3 big drawers in the bathroom and straightened up the towel shelf in the hall. Still have a lot more to do in the hall, and some to do in the bathroom. 

Today, I want to finish the bathroom.. Clean the kitchen, scrub the cook top (a few burnt on stains), clean the microwave.. Tidy/clear the top of the table, vanity, dresser in the bedroom, tidy up a bit. I don’t think I will get this room completely cleaned today. Its so cluttered. 

I really want to finish the hall closet/shelf area. But I need little bins to REALLY organize it. For the hall, I need at least 6, but 12 would be even better. I need maybe 6 for the bedroom. 

I plan to use the bins to organize everything in the house. Everything that FITS in the bins. lol Right now, I have a bin for my candles and lighter, a couple for medications and first aid, crafts, and a few random unorganized bins that I just used to put random things out of the way. Planning to fully organize them. Have one for small tools (hammer, etc) and nails, tacks.. One for various cords that aren’t in use.. Soap, maybe? I may keep that in the bathroom drawer, idk. Wax melts.. etc and etc.. In the bedroom, I have one for my lipsticks and one for eye shadows.

I just love knowing where everything is. It helps keep a tidy home. And that’s important to me. A clean home, for me, equals much less anxiety, better mood.. So much happier with a clean, tidy and spotless home. I’ve been wanting this so bad, and have been unable to get there. Between depressive episodes and other medical issues (thyroid levels being way off, low b12 and d, etc.....I haven’t had the energy, mental nor physical, to get anything really done. I don’t know if i’m just feeling better now, catching up on thyroid meds and the b12 shots, or if i’m having a manic/hypomanic episode, but I hope it doesn’t end. I want to get this place 100% done and being able to keep it up. Getting it perfect is the hardest part, keeping it up isn’t so difficult, once it’s actually done. 

Doing a chore chart. Mon, Wed and Fri Sierra does dishes. Tues and Thurs, either Mark or I do the dishes. Nathan does dishes on the weekend. Sierra sweeps Tues and Thursday, we sweep the rest of the days. I clean the bathroom at least once a week. I tidy bathroom and kitchen daily, wipe down the kitchen surfaces. I need to work on dusting every week, i’ve been bad about not dusting often enough. I think mopping once a week is enough? I need to wipe down walls once or twice a month. I should tidy every room at least 1-2, maybe 3 times a week...if not daily. Right now, laundry has been a constant thing. Maybe it’s because i’m catching up on it.....other wise, we have too much laundry for such a small family! Hmmm, what cleaning tasks am I leaving out? I feel like i’m leaving some stuff out.

I need new living room furniture. The cats clawed the crap out of my chairs before we had them declawed. There are little spots on my sofa, and now a tear in the fabric. :( I love my furniture. Not the most comfortable furniture in the world, but it looked so cute....like little country cottage style, I guess. Pinkish sofa, and roses/floral chairs. Totally my style. Mark wants something more comfortable. I get that. But it has to look decent. And be free. haha Or cheap, as long as we have the money to buy it. 

We do pretty well on our little income, but it is hard to afford things. I bought the sofa I have now for $25 and my rose chairs were $10 for both. I’m into bargains. Not only because I really don’t have the choice.....when I had more money, I STILL looked for a good bargain! Many people brag about spending ridicluous amounts of money on things (I know a few of these people), it doesn’t impress me at all, I feel like they were ripped off. I am more apt to brag about an awesome deal I got, cheap, cheap, cheap! lol

I wish we could afford to buy a home. We tried. The only thing we qualified for is a manufactured home, if we pay 20% down! With land and all the set up, it would be around $100,000 so that would be $20,000 down!!!!! Damn. I seen a beautiful 4 bedroom house for just under $100,000.....wish we could get a normal loan and be able to afford a home. Even if we used the land in Swords Creek, it would cost too much to have the land repaired enough to put a home on it, and the water pipes under the ground are leaking. Needs a new driveway. A huge tree looks like it’s about to fall on the property. NOT to mention, I REALLY don’t want to live in Swords Creek again!!!!! I like living in the Bristol area. If I were to move, i’d want to go south and toward the coast. But right now, i’m content in Bristol. 

It’s 9:34....i’ve been blogging for a long time. lol

Enough for now... I need to try to motivate myself to get some things done. Mark is still snoring. lol

[wickedangel276]

12/20/18

Christmas is almost here, not ready! I haven’t wrapped even ONE gift! I have to get on it. Especially the gifts for some friends, they are having a Christmas party Saturday, so they have to be wrapped by then. I hope they like what we got them. I wish I could buy gifts for a few other friends, but only able to exchange gifts with a limited number of people. Finances.....difficult times. 

We have a few Christmas plans this year. Cloyie’s Christmas party on Saturday, she’s making a big dinner with ham and turkey. Then we’re exchanging gifts. Then on New years, we’re having a Christmas dinner, have a huge turkey. And I guess we will open gift Christmas eve, since we have plans to spend Christmas day with family. 

I’ve been waking up early again. Not super early. Like 8-9am. I feel better when i’m up early. I have a lot to do today, and I really need to get motivated!!! I need to wrap gifts, for one. Also, the kitchen and dining room are full of “stuff”. Mostly groceries. We have the tiniest kitchen, very few cupboards. I need to organize the cupboards, and a lot of this stuff is going to have to go downstairs in the basement pantry area. Hate putting food down there, though. I wish we had a good size kitchen, average number of cupboards and maybe a pantry on the main level. I so wish. 

We have been trying to get a mortgage to buy a home. Mark and Nathan were trying together. Neither of them have good credit, so it turned out to be a huge disappointment. The ONLY option we have, is to come up with $20,000 down payment to buy a mobile home and land. I may try a gofundme, but I highly doubt we will get any help. I tried when I had a serious medical issue, one family member donated, which I am grateful for. But no other donations on Gofundme. I’d give anything to have our own home again. No worries that the landlord will sell and kick us out, etc.. It keeps my anxiety up a bit. I just want to be able to relax and feel at ease, feel like I have roots somewhere. No more moving. If you pray, please say a prayer for us, that something will work for us and we can buy a home. 

I hope we got enough gifts for Sierra, we tried. I seen a survey online, people saying they buy like 50 gifts per child. HOW? Unless these people are shopping at Dollar Tree..or are wealthy. But where would you put all the new stuff? Unless you get rid of all the old toys, etc..

Sierra outgrew her 10/12 clothes SO fast. She hardly wore them! Crazy how fast that growth spurt happened. We’ve bought several 14/16s and my sweet cousin is giving me a bunch of 14/16s for her, that her daughter grew out of. So, I should be able to go through her drawers and closet and get rid of her 10/12s. I’m hoping to be able to sell them for a little bit, we really need all the extra money we can get. If we were doing better, i’d give them all away. But unfortunately, we need to get a little money back from them. Hate it. I hope one day, our finances will be different, and we can give back more than we do now.

Speaking of finances. I want to go back to school for psychology/counseling, really badly. But I worry that going to school would be a waste of time. I have several medical issues, one of the most difficult is Bipolar. I have a very difficult time staying focused on anything, staying on track. With anything, even every day tasks. I’m constantly trying to get into routines, and I am only able to do that to a small extent. I have a very difficult time trying to keep a job. I start out happy and enthusiastic, then something shifts. I’ll go into a depression and shut down or go manic and can’t focus, lose my routines and can’t handle it. I feel broken. I feel ashamed that I can’t work. I will try to apply for disability again, soon. I know it’s not a lot of money (The total a married couple can make it $1200 a month, he makes $750 now) - but it’s something. Anything helps. I was SO happy when I was working. I never held a job for very long, but this was the one I held the longest, a few months. I worked at Taco Johns, when I was 19. I rented a small house, lived alone. The independence was amazing. I was so happy. A nice, clean home to myself. lol Uggh, it sucks to have the problems that I have, the mental (Bipolar, PTSD, general anxiety disorder) and the physical (diabetes, hypothroidism, heart disease, pcos, b12 deficiency, vit d deficiency, carpal tunnel syndrome, ibs, a clotting disorder, huge ovarian cyst, hernias, and I feel like i’m leaving something out).

I think I may be hypomanic right now. I’m really chatty and my mind is racing. I just came out of an odd depressive episode. I prefer manic/hypomanic over depression. I wonder why the call it hypomanic... It’s a lighter form of mania, hypo makes me think it’s opposite of manic. With the thyroid, hyperthyroid is over active and hypthyroid is under active. So, hypomanic seems weird to me. I’ve never been full manic, I don’t think... Full mania often includes delusions, hallucinations, etc.. Never had either of those, thankfully. 

My Mom has delusions.....the thought of ever dealing with delusions makes me feel physically ill. Her delusions ruined a large portion of my childhood. She felt that she had an “alien family”, would tell stories about them. Their names, what the looked like. Drew pictures of them. Thought they were sending messages to her. Talked about being on the space ship. She would get into very heated arguments with anyone that doubted her. Often, my Dad or brother. She would get it in her head that people have done things they haven’t done and get really pissed off at them. I remember when I was maybe 12 or 13, my best friend at the time was helping me clean my room. Later, my pet frog died. My Mom got it in her head that my friend sprayed the frog with cleaner to kill it........banned her from coming over and me from being friends with her for quite a while. There we other things I won’t discuss, that she felt happened to her. Then, when she was younger, she told me about one time she had a bat (I think it was a bat?), standing over my brother Neil when he was a child, felt someone wanted her to kill him, then she snapped out of it. Another time, when I was a child, she and my Dad and I were staying at Circus Circus hotel in Reno Nevada.. The middle of the night, she felt someone told her to take the lamp and break out the window and jump. She didn’t do it, but that was scary to hear about when you’re 6 years old. I was told all sorts of crap as a small child that I shouldn’t have heard about until I got older. 

I’ve blogged before about my childhood. It wasn’t ALL bad. I have a few good memories. Times when noone was fighting, everyone was happy. Sometimes we’d play croquet. Watch a movie together. Talk about memories or random things and have a good laugh. Occasionally play monopoly or a card game. I just wish those things happened more than the bad things, you know? I miss the good times. I miss having my family together.. Dad, Mom, both brothers. I only have one brother left now, and we are not as close as i’d like. He doesn’t have long distance, so I get that he can’t call often, but he had a cell phone for a while and he could have called me. I’m the only one to call. Sadly, I don’t call often. It’s hard for me sometimes, to talk to him. Because it’s always the same stuff. Everytime I talk to him, I hope to hear of some progress he’s made. Get a job, or see a doctor and apply for disability. Something! But he does nothing to improve his life. He lived on Mom’s money until she died and now he’s living off my aunt’s money. WHAT is he going to do when she dies or simply stops supporting him? I fear he will come to me wanting a place to live and money for his beer and cigarettes. That will be a difficult but strong no. I can’t have anyone else living here anyway. But aside from that, I remember what it was like to live with him and my family. Always negative. Messy. Love to argue. Stick his nose in my business (He did this with Sierra last time he visited). I remember times he put holes in walls, as a kid he’d get mad and pull his fist back with an F-ed up look on his face like he was going to punch me. No F-ing way!!! I love him, I want to best for him, but I can’t do it. If it makes me a bad person, i’m sorry. My therapist advised me to distance myself from him at least until he gets his shit together. Too much stress on me. He doesn’t give a crap about me anyway. I’ve invited him over so many times. I also asked him to give me away at my wedding, close to the time of the wedding he claimed his car was giving him trouble and he could make it. At least two people offered to bring him, one offered to let him borrow her car, and nope....obviously didn’t want to be there. That hurt. He later mentioned not wanting to leave his cats alone. Yeah. 

I still had a good wedding. Best friends and some family. I had my cousin Alissa, on my Mom side in the wedding, so glad she was part of my special day. :) And then my uncle Robert and his wife showed up during the reception, and I was SO happy to see them!! Having Robert there was the closest thing to having my Dad there. He’s his brother, and reminds me of him in some ways. 

Uggh, I don’t wanna wrap these gifts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol

[wickedangel276]

12/2/18

It’s 8:30 am, woke up thinking about my Mom. I miss her. I miss my Dad and eldest brother. I miss my brother Neil, too.....he’s not gone, thank God, but he’s not the same. He’s changed and he’s distant. I miss having my family together.

It wasn’t perfect, there were always problems, a lot of fighting and turmoil. But they were healthy and relatively happy. I often miss the family when I watch old shows that I watched during that time, the 80s and some 90s. It comes to mind and I feel a bit sad. 

Time goes by too fast these days. Days, weeks, months, and years.....fly by.. I want it to slow down. I’ll be 40 in a little over a year. 40. I can hardly believe it. I do NOT feel 40. 

My thyroid is low again, I knew it was a mistake when they lowered my dose. Also have a B12 deficiency, Vitamin D deficiency and a slight sodium deficiency. It explains how i’ve been feeling. I haven’t felt right, so tired, fatigued, weak, forgetful, as they call it “foggy brained”. I’ve been miserable, trying to figure out if I am sick or depressed. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going through depression, I have felt ok in my moods. For the most part. 

The weakness has been so bad. Started in my legs.. Hard to stand up from sitting, hard to stand or walk for any period of time. Then, my arms. I noticed it the most at Thanksgiving. I went to lift the turkey and it felt like I was lifting at least 50 pounds. And i’ve made huge turkeys every year for a very long time!!!! I knew something was wrong right then. Even lifting a small pot of water is difficult. I’ve never experienced this kind of weakness, even with a flu. 

Sierra stayed with a friend last night, and I really wanted to use that time to go out for a bit. But then as time went on, I was dreading doing my makeup and just wanted to go to bed. 

The doctor wants to wait until next month to raise my dose on thyroid meds and start supplements! I don’t get that. Any time in the past, with other doctors, they adjusted my medicine right away. I have old thyroid meds from back before she lowered it, and i’ve started taking them again. I’m tired of feeling this way. Not to mention, all of these problems can be dangerous. B12 can cause mutation to your DNA that can cause cancer, among other things. D can cause osteoporosis. Low thyroid can cause heart problems (and hello, i’ve HAD a heart attack in the past couple years), etc.. I’ve also started taking D and B12 supplements. This makes me wonder if I should switch to another doctor. I miss Dr. Mcgee, she was a great doctor. She moved on to work in the emergency department at the hospital.  I don’t dislike this doctor, just concerned. 

I read the B12 and D deficiency can cause bone and muscle pain, i’m thinking that could be the problem.....I was trying to clean yesterday, and first my lower back started to hurt so bad. I took tylenol, ibuprofen and a muscle relaxer. Tried again, and my neck and shoulders started hurting really bad. It felt like I had something really heavy on my shoulders. I had to lay down to relieve that pain.

I sound like i’m complaining, all through this blog post. Sorry. lol Just been having a rough time physically. A little bit mentally too, with the forgetfulness. I’ve always been forgetful. It sucks. But it’s been so bad here lately. Last week, on the way to a friend’s house we were supposed to pick up ice. Along the way, I wondered if we had picked up ice or not. I could not remember, but thought we may have, so I didn’t say anything. We didn’t. Then another day, Mark said he was going to be back in the room before he leaves for the store. I do not remember him being in the room, he says he was. I have no memory of it.

I get so frustrated with this house and no where to put anything. The kitchen is horrible, so small, hardly any counter space or cupboards. Tired of groceries being left on the kitchen table for lack of anywhere to put it. I HATE CLUTTER!! When I was growing up, my family always kept stuff out on the kitchen counters. We had good cupboards....good counter space. But still, cluttered. It gives me anxiety. 

I guess I will go for now. A lot I hope to get done today. I have a lot of clothes needing folded (hoping my shoulders don’t start again), finish trying to straighten up the house, maybe put the Christmas tree up. Then, they guys are wanting me to make pies, hoping to get that done, too. All before dinner (roast chicken thighs, so so good the way I make it). I’ve felt like cooking lately. Poor Mark has had to do a lot of the cooking (easy stuff mostly lol) for a while, haven’t felt well. Still not feeling well, but have felt more like cooking since Thanksgiving. 

[wickedangel276]

We’re married. :) It was the perfect day. The sun was shining.. Not too warm, not too cool.. We had our family and closest friends with us. Most importantly, we had each other and will for the rest of our lives. <3 

I’m thankful that we had friends to take photos, as we couldn’t afford a photographer. The photos were good quality, but I am very self critical about how I look in them. I didn’t like my face in a lot of them, the ones where I am squinting from the sun, in particular. I look awful when I squint! lol And, in the sideways pics, my tummy sticks out so bad. Part of it is fat, and part is bloat from a huge ovarian cyst. And I seemed to be extra bloated that day. I had just gotten over a stomach virus and had inflamed stomach lining....so I guess it would make sense. 

But really.. I need to look at the positive side. I didn’t look all that bad. I didn’t look at good as i’d like....but I didn’t look as bad as I did this time last year. I was about 30 pounds heavier and was HUGE. I cried when I seen photos from last year, it was really hard seeing myself that way. Now, i’m still very big. But not as big. And I can deal with being this size for a while, though i’m still not where I want to be. 

I totally slacked off for a few weeks. I was stressing over the wedding, worried it would turn out the way I planned. And I stopped swimming and walking, stopped eating healthy. I let it all go. I am LUCKY I didn’t gain weight! I managed to lose a few pounds, even so. I’m getting back into the routine now. I went swimming yesterday. I want to swim today, but i’m not sure i’ll have time.. I need to go to the social security office and dmv to get my name changed. It’s going to be weird to let go of the Pelton name. But i’m proud to take my hubby’s name, and I like the name Dockery anyway. Sasha Dockery. I like it. :) Anyway....back on track.. I may go swimming this evening. I prefer swimming in the morning. But this way, I can get what I need done and Sierra can swim with us later. So yeah, will probably do that. 

I’ve felt more social lately. Been making plans with friends and actually going through with them. lol I kinda secluded myself a tiny bit, for a long time. I’m just feeling more social now. Feeling more like myself. I guess it’s because i’m not constantly stressing anymore. I’m on a decent sleep schedule, getting up early and getting things done. 

Things have been going so well for us lately, i’m almost afraid something will change. Mark no longer owes child support and was able to get his license back, which is a HUGE relief and a huge help to us. We have a bigger vehicle now. We got married. We’ve both lost some weight and are keeping it going. I am happy, and feeling more like myself, reconnecting with friends and family. I’ve been introducing Mark to my friends (would have sooner, but I had been a little reclusive lol). Sierra made the A/B honor roll and is doing so well. I haven’t had a depressive episode in a long while.  We have SO much to be thankful for. 2018 has turned out to be a great year for us. I pray that things keep going well. I feel blessed. 

I have some clothes to fold and other things to catch up on, so i’m off here for now. :)

[wickedangel276]

1/21

I’m feeling a little more determined and motivated to diet and lose this weight. I had been having a problem with staying hungry, unable to skip meals, but yesterday I did good. I know they say skipping meals is a bad idea, but it works for me, kinda like intermittent fasting.

Yesterday, I had 3 waffles for breakfast (which I was kicking myself for, trying to make better choices) - then I didn’t eat again until dinner at 6. I went with protein, had a burger and a sausage burrito from Mcdonalds. I know fast food sounds like a bad idea, but I lost weight once with eating frequent fast food burgers. During that time, I would have a double cheeseburger and a grilled chicken wrap as a meal, which is a lot of food but good for protein, and it worked for me. Anyway, had that for dinner then later had a yogurt, and a little later still craving something sweet, had cereal. I lost a pound over night, so I must not have eaten too much.

I’m SO frustrated at the moment. Sierra got into my drawer (we each have a drawer in the bathroom) and took one of my pricier (not super expensive, I don’t blow a lot of money on makeup, but expensive for the makeup *I* buy!) lipsticks and wasted it all, smearing it all over the inside of the cabinet!! WTH? I mean seriously. When asked why she did it, she shrugs and says she didn’t know. Made her clean it, grounded her to her room without tv and made her pay for the lipstick. We had plans to take her bike to the park and then go swimming, not now!! Which sucks, because I was looking forward to walking and swimming. We’ll go swim during the day tomorrow while she’s at school. I’d like to get there early enough to try that water exercise class anyway.

So frustrated right now.

I couldn’t stay asleep last night. Then, I woke up at 2AM and couldn’t get back to sleep until after 5:30 am. Finally woke up at 8. So tired from broken sleep.

[wickedangel276]

1/20

My blood sugar dropped tonight, not sure how low because I didn’t have my meter with me. But even after a hard candy to raise my sugar and then eating dinner and going home, it only went up to 93. If I stay active, I may be able to go off one of the meds. May have to. 

Got in a pretty good work out. Used a few strength machines, then went up to cardio for a short time. Very short time, but i’m having to start slow. Most of my cardio was from swimming and water treading. I think I was in the pool for about 45 minutes, not sure, lost track when my sugar dropped. 

After the pool, I went in the steam room to warm up before showering to go home and I kept feeling like I was about to fall asleep. Same feeling I get when I take extra sleep meds. Maybe I was close to passing out, it was a weird feeling. 

Trying on a wedding dress this week. It’s a good deal for what it is, though it’s not exactly what I was hoping for. I was hoping for something above the ankle and more casual. This is a formal wedding gown with short sleeves, beading on the bodice and a train. I wasn’t really wanting a train for an outdoor wedding. But it’s really a good deal on it. If it fits me. It’s my size, but sizes vary. I have one shirt my size that is tight in the sleeves. So it definitely varies. 

My wedding ring came in today. It fits perfectly. It came with the matching engagement bad which fits better than my real one. My real one is bulky and it spins around my finger all the time. I’ll always treasure the first one, but i’ll wear this one in it’s place. 

Nathan think a stacker energy shot is what messed with my blood sugar. I don’t know, I think it was skipping eating. I had waffles at breakfast and hadn’t eaten anything since. I do want to be able to diet and have fasting days, so i’d better keep some hard candy around to keep my blood sugar up. If it keeps dropping on me i’ll have to make an appointment with my doctor and see if I should lower my dose on one of  the meds. Preferably the Glimepiride. If i’m going to keep one, i’d rather have metformin. 

I got some supplements today. Raspberry ketones, green tea with chromium and an energy blend that has guarana, green tea and ginseng. Got a little pack of stacker to take one before each workout. Then i’m on phentermine, too - it should all work together for energy and fat burning. I’d like to start getting those little energy shot drinks. I felt more alert and energetic after taking it. ...I just hope I can sleep tonight, feeling very alert and energetic... lol Too much so, possibly.

Yesterday, two people pissed me off. At the same time, I was getting pissed at myself for feeling bad for them. The first one took offense to something ridiculous. Even though her exaggerated reaction had me pissed, I couldn’t help but to still feel bad that she was insulted. The other one, an ex who I am still friends with (through text, anyway - he lives miles away now) really pissed me off started to play the blame game about our parting ways. It was HIM who cheated on me, then later when he was trying to get back with me I didn’t trust him and moved on.. He’s mad about that, and telling me I should have trusted him, that it wasn’t fair to him!! I told him it was his fault I didn’t trust him, after he cheated. Then I told him I had to go to bed and stopped talking. He continued to text, then started apologizing, that kind of thing. I felt bad ignoring him, with him saying he was sorry, but I held firm and ignored everything until I felt like talking today. Still told him I am not discussing anything from last night, don’t feel like arguing. But I get on my own damn nerves with that, feeling bad about crap I shouldn’t. This is something I am working on, one of those things about me that I need to fix. 

A lot of things I need to fix.... The above is one of them. Also, getting into better routines. My sleep/wake routine is pretty good and has been for a while now. I could work on getting up a little earlier, a little bit at a time. Working on a fitness routine. Need to develop a better housecleaning routine, so things will go a little more smoothly. 

Freezing, so i’ll get off here for the night. Going to have a bottle of water and a yogurt, then get in bed for the night.