Just trying to be honest with myself and vent. Been struggling with anorexia binge/ purge type for 10 years, spilling into 11. Amongst other shit. (Depression, anxiety woo) I started my official recovery in sept 2015 and lasted a good year. I have since relapsed and have been trying to find my way since. Yes Ik my relapse has lasted 4 years, don’t judge me. Recovery is very hard but worth it. This is my journey to a happier healthier me. I don’t promote anything. I’m just struggling, and being able to vent is nice. (Female,23,bi)
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Things have been going great. But I don’t wanna be alive because I have so many stretch marks. They happened so quick. Like within 2 months. I’ve been working on recovery for a few years. But idk why these last few months I gained so much weight. I got dark purple super visible stretch marks. Not like a few. But 2 inches wide from my groin to a mid calf. Like it was almost over night. And the marks are permanent. Like wtf. I suffered for over a decade. Gaining and losing. And when I try to actually get healthy I get these absurd stretch marks. I will never be able to wear shorts again. I will have to wear pants for the rest of my life. These marks will not go away. And I feel like a fat fucking idiot. I already have so many fucking scars but these dark stretch marks are next level upsettting. There is no fix. I have to just deal. I don’t fucking want to. My disordered brain can NOT handle me have these stretch marks. I like the shape of my body. (Sorta) but I feel like I don’t deserve to live because of these marks. I don’t think this way about others, just my ED brain).
Perminate
#ed problems#ed relapse#i dont know how to eat correctly#eating disroders#eatig disorder#binge eating#weight loss#weight gain
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I gained weight really quick while around one particular person. So even tho they were a great person. I hate them so much and my brain turned my feelings off. Because something that makes me gain weight =the devil. I hate my fucking brainnnnnn
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My whole eating disorder feels fake
Like, I’m not even a bit skinny
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Im crying to myself
Because the scars that hurt the most
Aren’t the ones that I carved into myself
But the ones my body stretched into
Im dying for the day that living feels better than destruction...
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*expresses a reason i’m upset* oh god im being manipulative aren’t I
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The one and only good thing about my eating disorder is that it’s helping me quit drinking since I can remind myself it’s needless calories when I’m feeling weak.
#eating disroders#bulima#ed relapse#anoreixa#binge eating#eatig disorder#anorexa#bulimiia#alcohol#sober curious
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I’m not happy at all with my life. And I’m not even skinny fuck this
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Also: don’t stigmatize HIV+ individuals because they all have different circumstances and might’ve gotten the virus from a variety of sources (sex, occupational, birth, blood transfusions in other countries).
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The bad news is that Trump is cutting America’s spending on HIV year after year. He has taken steps to weaken the Affordable Care Act since coming to power.
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When your throwing up blood and get a bloody nose. Like send iron my way my period is coming reall soon. Jesus
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I actually cannot even handle how fat I’ve gotten. Like my eating disorder always ruins everything. But being this fat is making it so I’m a hermit who fucks up her relationships and job all the time because I can’t even get my fat ass out of my own way. This is absolute misery. I’ve legit had fights and hissy fits with everyone just because I’m fat and I can’t handle it. And I’m stuck in a binge and purge cycle and a drink till I pass out cycle. This is hell. I can’t enjoy a single thing because of my weight. Nothing is fulfilling. Nothing is fun. I can’t enjoy anything. And everyone is like omg you look so healthy now! When my body is turning purple with stretch marks and bizarre and lumpy. Everything hurts. And everyone thinks I’m better and is forcing food at me. I just wanna starve for like as long as possible so I can just put pants on the morning and not cry and punch myself in the head. Fuck this. Fuck all of this
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Self hate is so romanticized but in reality it’s gross I’m gross everything is gross and I can’t remember what it was like to be able breathe and what it was like to easily imagine living past the age of 20
It’s not beautiful, there’s no such thing as the famed knight in shining armor, it’s just lack of life & slow suffocation
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