wiltedclown - Tumblr blog

[wiltedclown]

having something just shy of an eating disorder is weird sometimes. last night at work i got a takeout as a little treat, but tonight i forgot to pack any food. my options are:

1. order food again (FAT BASTARD!!!!! EVIL!!!!! but aso yummy 😋 BUT EVIL IT IS EXPENSIVE AND I HAD IT YESTERDAY I AM GLUTTONY INCARNATE!!!!!!!!!)

2. do not eat. the whole night!!!!! i know i barely ate today and it’s a 12 hour shift but do not eat!!!!!!! u have to make up for last night!!!!!! u didn’t even eat half of it but still!!!!!!

3. there’s some weetabix in the back i could have dry… i don’t want anyone at work to know i have eaten though. and also not yummy without milk it will be like eating rabbit bedding!!!!

the second issue is i hate hate HAAAATE eating in front of people which also translates to i hate having food in my possession in front of people… i do not know how to time takeout arriving with the security guy sat next to me going on patrol, he does not care or even see me but the mortifying ordeal of being seen around food,,,,,

[wiltedclown]

guys i can’t deal with this i’m sat at work at 10am absolutely Restless cause i love him so much and he said some cute ass shit to me last night he was like ‘go to sleep baby’ and i was like ‘i will if u call me baby again’ and he was like ‘yknow i meant to say this earlier but when i call you babe it just feels so natural, go to sleep babe’ and he gave me the softest kiss on the neck and like yes i went to sleep immediately but by talos this can’t be happening i’m like completely in love what am i even supposed to do rn i’m literally at work and he’s not even my boyfriend cause i said no on february 29th and he’s like nah you gotta wait til xmas now and i’m just here like jesus i want to be WIFED UP. this man lives rent free in my house head and heart. stop being the other half of my soul god damn it this is too dramatic for me i’m moving to fucking australia next year i cannot be this in love rn

[wiltedclown]

hopeless time loop. the way out isn’t to save everyone. the way out isn’t to save even one person. the way out isn’t to change anything. the way out is accepting how it happened the first time is how it always will be. that’s how you acted, that’s how they acted, that’s how you would have acted every time if you weren’t given the curse of hindsight. the way out is accepting you can’t fix the past; you can only forgive yourself for it.

[wiltedclown]

met a boy 6 months ago and this mf got me thinkin bout marriage and kids wtf

[wiltedclown]

guy tries to toss a cigarette on the ground but the ground parries it and it flies back into his mouth and he solemnly continues to smoke it

[wiltedclown]

Uni's magical Mario Galaxy adventure..

[wiltedclown]

A quick summary of the last 16 months

[wiltedclown]

hits the bong and immediately becomes aware of the narrative

[wiltedclown]

I accidentally follow people so much on this site that i dont know who half the people on my dash are

[wiltedclown]

i used to be so cynical and pessimistic about the world when i was a teenager and at 22 i’ve put so much work into appreciating little things and finding joy in life and i think it was worth it because after a depressive slump lasting like six months i got up yesterday at like 6am and cleaned my whole room and drank coffee out of my special beautiful mug and had the windows open and the sun was shining and then i woke up this morning to rain and the leftover bits of mess and i didn’t hate it because my room was cleaner than it had been for months and it’s like. maybe it’s ok actually

[wiltedclown]

[wiltedclown]

If King Charles dies on or before March 25th, 2024, he will technically be the shortest-reigning king in English history.

Anyway, like to charge, reblog to cast.

[wiltedclown]

lily stop listening to lover you should’ve come over challenge [impossible]

[wiltedclown]

i have near-total aphantasia - i haven’t done much research into it, but i can’t picture stuff in my head. at least, not voluntarily; i do dream (very occasionally, but i have very vivid dreams when i do), but i can’t conjure an apple so to speak.

i’ve elected to conduct an informal experiment with myself as the subject into whether or not it’s possible to ‘cure’ it so to speak. i’ll start with breaking down the boundary between dreaming and waking, attempting to linger in the space where my mind wanders for as long as possible and try to exercise some control over the things i see when my mind starts to shut off and wander.

will be making observational notes, of course, because i’m a scientist at heart, and will summarise and post them every now and again. i like having a little side project, and i used to be a maladaptive daydreamer (left the maladaptive part with high school for the most part, now i just monologue in my head) so would be interested to know if it’s possible to exercise some kind of control over that type of hyper-immersive daydreaming to the point of reverse-engineering into working around aphantasia and potentially even venturing into the realm of lucid dreaming.

weirdly, this was inspired by a strange aeons video about shifting, which is a topic of great interest to me as someone who spent most of my formative years living in what could be referred to as a DR (a world of my own, inspired by a collection of various fandoms, with elaborate plots, arcs, characters and very realistic laws of physics and morals reminiscent of the way shifters talk about their DR). I’d be very interested to explore this kind of imagination and see if i can reverse-engineer it to go from something actively bad for me like it used to be, and turn it into something very, very useful.

will update when i’ve got a couple of days’ worth of study under my belt.

[wiltedclown]

i am sick of being a rotten tired mentally ill girl. i am tired of depression being a fun quirky personality trait of mine. i am going to stop relying on other people to save me from myself. starting now, i am warm and sunny and love myself and take care of myself because i’m just a girl in the world

[wiltedclown]

Everybody stop what you’re doing RIGHT NOW and celebrate the last Out of Touch Thursday of 2020

[wiltedclown]

i think. i am going to play skyward sword hd. i never played it even though i got it on preorder, might as well use my Ultimate Happiness Trump Card