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Met a dude, had no debt, hard worker, owns his own house, work 4 days hets well paid, cares about democratic socialism, know about scifi and fantasy, is well versed in emo music and does not belittle or diminish the metoo movement.

I was like, a this fool, it's too good to be true, and yeah it wasb... He is consensually non monogamous.... Y'all I don't share.

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ok so mom and dad  are moving out

Like she want to move to a house that better suits her needs, so its going to be something small. So I have been unceremoniously kicked out. They aren’t moving any time soon, because selling a house and finding a new one is a huge endeavour, but it is a fact  I won’t be included.Y’all when my mom told my dad about moving out without me, my dad wasn’t concerned with all with me, he didn’t say “ Oh but Alina can’t fend on her own, we can’t leave her behind” and that is the most proud moment i have ever had in my life with my dad. When I graduated college he would constantly belittle my career choices and hint at my impending economical doom. So him, being ok with leaving me alone is the biggest compliment ever, because my dad is a helicopter dad, he is the kind that exists to provide for others, when I first tried to get a job when I was 16 he got super offended because he felt like I was saying that he didn’t give me enough and I needed to go and look for it in a part time job. ( ironic.. he didn’t want me to work and when I did he expected me not to flourish). I am ecstatic, honestly, coming from my dad there is no higher praise, him not being worried about me means he finds me self-sufficient and independent, he respects me as an individual and not as something that he owns and has to protect. 

:)

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You are not worth what you earn

After reading a lot, the radical idea that the amount of money you earn doesn't define your worth really started to sink in. Like I always said that phrase, but I said it when I talked about being civil, educated and nondiscriminating to people living in poverty. Like I equated this to being polite and saying hello and calling them by their names. I thought I am no better than them, but that's as far as my thinking went. Now I know that's not it... Why is a poor person a second class citizen? Why do they live in bad housing and eat bad food, and don't have access to premium education and healthcare? Why am I more deserving of those things? Why is wealth unevenly distributed? Why are we so obsessed in saying that economy grew when there are so many living in abject poverty? If resources are being unecessarily depleted for profits instead of need? Why does someone with money have more power? Are they not living the same 24 hours? Do they need more to live than I do? Aren't their basic needs the same as mine? And if I am the rich, and I am the one that profits, why should I? If I profit it means I am getting more money for somebody else's work, for taking the resources of something, I am making the decision that I deserve more, and that my need to accrue more wealth is more important than somebody else's life or resources. And I can also profit of an intangible idea, because I am charging others for thinking about it first. (Copyright, patents) .I am holding my knowledge as a secret and as a weapon, you must suffer because I don't want to share, your suffering is worth less than my monetary incentive. I understand salary, you work you get paid. But you can't believe that Everytime someone gets paid more it's because they are working 'more' because in so many cases it's just privilege, you had more opportunities and that's the reason you somehow ended profiting from someone else's labor. Now when I say, "a persons worth is not defined by the amount of money they make. " I mean to say that I am not willing to shut up about how the unecessary wealth of some is killing others. It is so unnerving because I have stopped thinking this about the poor and how they are worthy, but rather how the rich are usually not worthy.... Incredibly just for the fact that they are rich, that they are hoarding wealth, that they are profiting someone else's livelihood and that sucks, cuz I had never thought that anyone was evil just for being in any situation, but I see it now. Being in any type of privilege and not talking about it, not educating yourself on it is oppressing too. Who am I opressing? Who's silence am I taking advantage of? Just because I am not directly affected by it, doesn't mean I want to uphold and perpetuate it.

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Talking capitalism

I usually talk with my mom about socialism/capitalism I never call it that cuz then she thinks it's political and gets all annoyed. Today I was talking to her about profit, how before I didn't understand Nonprofits, because I thought, but they are making profits, I mean all of those people working there are getting salaries. But it just clicked, what a non profit is a place where you work get a salary but no one gets rich, and by getting rich I mean no one profits from the labor of others, no one cuts corners, or makes decisions so that things cost less and someone wins money from it. I also mentioned that a common argument used against giving people government aid (food stamps, unemployment money, welfare programs) is that it will make people lazy, but I am not lazy... If anything I can't stop working and I mention myself because I lived in a house that I didn't pay, I got an allowance, I always had food, if I ever got sick my dad paid for everything, and yet I still work, produce I am not lazy! I got everything handed over yet, I am a productive member of society. I talked about how it is unfair for people who get minimum wages because they won't ever be able to get out of there,As I was mentioning this, mom started to get annoyed telling me like some people only work in place that pays minimum for a while, then they move up, or change jobs, it's just a step in a ladder , and I countered that there were plenty that didn't move out that only ever worked for minimum wage, and she started to get more annoyed and with a voice showing anger, said: well why don't you go and ask the owners of the companies you can go and find out, but her voice was super aggravated, so I told her, I wasn't attacking her this wasn't personal, I was just thinking aloud but she said she was annoyed because this things weren't her fault and she couldn't carry them, and then I said ok ,ok, I see that I can only talk about commonalities with you, and I think she didn't like me saying that, and I said I mean it has affected you all your life, and she just started at me... Like what? I am like yes, some years ago I noticed that I wasn't doing anything around the house and I realised that your work and your life was as valid as mine, why should you do everything just because I studied more or win more money, and she stared at me and said, "no! But if you hadn't noticed I would've done something I wasn't going to be anyone's slave I would left , I would've done something! "and I believe something struck her when she said slave, like her tone changed, because I have kept telling her, she is just as important as I am, she deserves free time and wages and freedom she shouldn't devote her life to us, and I said I read about this things (socialism/ anti capitalism) and I apply it to my one life and that's why I mention them to her, I wasn't picking a fight or complaining, and I ask a lot of retoric questions because I know if I tell her then it's just preaching, or being condecendent... She already knows and I ask to see how much , but she perceived it as me attacking it or being unnecessarily argumentative about things that she wasn't at fault at. And it's true what I told her, if you read all this theories and see them in world/country but you don't see them in your house and on your work you haven't understood that well. here was this post on Pinterest that said something like "The man knows all leftist literature, but doesn't do the dishes" And like other socialist thinkers were totally supported by the women in their lives, like while they wrote or got themselves all woke, at the same time they were oppressing their moms and sisters. If you believe anti-capitalism/socialism but don't apply it to your own life, do you really know it? If you rage against the government and the institutions and the big companies but then turn around and expect your mom to do everything for you, just because you were born to her? And it got me all sad, like I don't want my mom to get depressed over all the horrible things this world has, cuz she is very empathic and it does damage her, but at the same time sometimes I just want to talk to someone, I just want to show someone my thoughts especially if they affect her. I told her I started changing in the house (doing more work, getting responsibilities, defending her, ) because I read and educated myself about things, and she said if you wouldn't have done that I would've exploded and things would've happened, and I said: why did you need to explode? Why can't I learn and change before it affects you? And I swear she was angry, because she believed that she was her own emancipator, that she could've done it alone, that she wasn't helpless and she might've just realised that talking about the difficult topics is what makes these changes possible, and that just 'exploding' might not .

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just remember, “poverty” is a social construct. when the economy collapses, the farms don’t disappear. goods don’t vanish from the stores. poverty is created through exclusion. it is violence. so when you see articles about how the pandemic could “plunge billions into poverty,” please remember that it’s not the virus that’s creating poverty.

if i have a warehouse stored full of grain, and a drought wipes out your crops, it’s not the climate that’s making you starve, it’s me with my refusal to share my stockpile.

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JACKPOT?

Basic  human decency:

HE says I love you ? Who cares if he says is it? WHat is important is if he actually shows it.

He loves his mom? Unless mom was abusive or neglected him chances are he doesn’t like her because she  didn’t let him have his way . 

It’s logic....if someone is good to you, you like them , if someone is bad to you , you don’t  like them. Saying that loving your mom is going the extra mile implies that you are entitled to hate her. WHY? she raised you!! He still flirts with you, that one is uncommon, many people treat you well and love but might not flirt with you anymore. 4. You are a partnership, it's cool that he is not selfish, but not as much as for him to be codependent. 5. Yeah that's cool, not everyone can make boring things fun, as long as you are not implying that the alternative is making them while making you miserable .... You are not his mom, you do not need to nag and manage his every chore, he is a man, he should be able to manage alone.... 6.he encourages you to pursue your dreams??? Basic human decency.... What is this opposed to? Dragging you down to only get his dreams done? The important word here is Jackpot, like again, this is not extra.... This is the basics.... 7. He comforts you when you are down. Wow this is getting redundant Basic human decency, comforting someone is basic human decency it is not extra....

8. He is a hard worker? This is not extra this is basic... 9. He surprises you. They explain that this implies everyone in a while he does something cute and nice for you. I am getting tired.... This . Is. Basic. Human. Decency. 10.He compliments you . This. Is. Basic. Human. Decency.... I totally ranted about this because it came up on my Pinterest.... And I couldn't believe it, most of this things are not EXTRA for me, I consider most of these basic and necessary not extraordinary.... In fact they are quite boring and not that hard to achieve.... Do you realize how low is the bar for many men? Like girls will gloat about my man has never hit me or yelled at me, yeah gurl.... That's what the normal should be.... Gloat when he actually goes the extra mile ... Not when he loves his mom....

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racial issues

When reading Holes by Louis Sachar, we came to the part the Stanley mentions that there are no racial issues among the boys of camp green lake. My student is in fifth grade but is learning english as a second language and he is from Korea. There are things in the book that he doesn’t understand because they are culturally different and we go through them together. I usually ask him if he understood and then prompt my specific question, this time if he understood what Stanley meant by racial issues.  I had to explain which race was which not because he didn’t know them but because he didn’t know the name in english of each one, admittedly he didn’t know there was a differentiation between “white” and “latino/hispanic” but he knew the other ones, I asked him if he knew what race he was ( he didn’t) and he asked me quite sincerely, why do they say I am white/black etc, why not say “I am a person”

and I think I smiled quite distinctively and said I agreed. 

He also didn’t understand why Elya Yelnats chose Myra Menke if Myra’s head “was as empty as a flowerpot”, when I explained it was because she was pretty, he still thought it was not a good idea, and that he wouldn’t chose her, and he didn’t say it in the typical way some high schoolers act, diminishing anyone who is pretty, vapid or shallow, he was just truly curious as to why anyone for any reason would want to be with someone like that ( which just shows his socio-developmental age. )

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“Man is not affected by events, but by the view he takes of them.”

— Epictetus

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an incomplete list of unsettling short stories I read in textbooks

the scarlet ibis

marigolds

the diamond necklace

the monkey’s paw

the open boat

the lady and the tiger

the minister’s black veil

an occurrence at owl creek bridge

a rose for emily

(I found that one by googling “short story corpse in the house,” first result)

the cask of amontillado

the yellow wallpaper

the most dangerous game

a good man is hard to find

some are well-known, some obscure, some I enjoy as an adult, all made me uncomfortable between the ages of 11-15

add your own weird shit, I wanna be literary and disturbed

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My biggest challenges as a student

-Not comparing myself to other students

I want to know what other students got, to pat myself in the back and say “see! See! you are the best you struggled yet you achieved such a high grade” because implicitly I want to believe I was the only one who got the good grade, because somehow if everyone got it I will believe it was easy and I wasn’t that good.

Also when other people study other things even if its not related to what I am studying I think the same thing.... I  think theirs isn’t as hard as mine was, which of course I have no idea of knowing and also, if it was easier, how does that make my learning any more valuable or validated? 

-Trusting the teacher

When I get my grade, and the teacher gives me feedback I struggle , when given good feedback, I think “ is this real? do they mean it? or are they just trying to motivate me?” and if its just meaningless feedback ( or just a passing comment) I tend to distrust them even more, cuz I don’t care about their opinion I care about if I am doing it right... but also, maybe I should care about their opinion if its a discussion topic?

-Having the right balance between learning and caring about my performance.

When I do something like a critique, or a discussion on a topic  I catch myself thinking, am I just making things up¿ is this what the teacher wants? so I know this is about me learning, but can I get the best grade? 

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endearing

One day, I had to monitor some middle school students while they had an MUN session, they were 7th and 8th graders, and we were doing a little bit of an icebreaker because many of them didn’t know each other. We were kind just goofing around, asking dumb things, like who hates school, who likes this, who likes this other thing, then one of them asked:

Who here still plays hide and seek?

surprisingly like 10 kids immediately put their hand up.

and they were all looking at each other, with smiles on their faces and you could see, you could truly see their little faces lighting up and probably thinking.

“cool”

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the library bun

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ha, you were there

I had a reason for going , like a legitimate justification,  a binding unappealable reason, yet I wished you were there.

You told me ages ago you weren't going to be here right now, you had common, plausible, logical reasons NOT to be here right now, yet I wished you were there.

 I was not looking for you, yet I wished you were there, Alas! You were there.

I spoke, I asked, I looked, I stayed, I invited, I offered, I waited, while you were there it was all me, only me, you only were there.

You kept falling down the rabbit hole, I kept smoking you out, you kept talking to the rubber duck and I kept interrupting, you denied an invitation to leave the rabbit hole, and literally told me you were just waiting for me to stop talking to go back into it.

Tomorrow I have a legitimate, binding and unappealable reason to go back, I am not going to look for you, yet I wish you will be there.

 I said ‘  hopefully I’ll  see you again’  and if I do I am probably sitting beside you and asking you out of the rabbit hole again.

I am being upfront and direct I don’t care anymore.

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짝사랑

It gets translated as one sided love or crush

I hadn’t  realized that a crush was a one sided love

I don’t believe in one sided love

I believe in 1 sided infatuations

But I don’t think that they’d mean the same thing crush=one sided love =infatuation

Not all crushes are one sided

But all one sided loves are infatuations 

A crush is a lottery ticket.  You want the prize and you might get it

A one sided love is a an item in a broken vending machine. You keep investing  into something you are never going to get

An infatuation is windowshopping. A passing whim or a fierce desire for something you don’t even know if it fits.

You might know all this and still have all of the above, you know cuz like Selena said the heart wants what it wants.

But you know you have matured when you walk away from your crush knowing that their rejection doesn’t change your self worth, and that without reciprocity it’s nothing more than whim.

But it still hurts

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Psalm 139:18

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“I find a gentle but ferocious strength in being vulnerable. Honesty turns shame into light.”

— Erin Brown