winterxlinus - Tumblr blog

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i feel so insecure because i believe i am left out. everyone around me is already successful in their own ways and i am still stuck at the bottom. i hate this feeling. i feel so desperate right now that i really really want to achieve something already so i would feel okay. but it’s just so hard. it feels like it is not worth working hard anymore because i keep on disappointing myself and i am unlucky and i am frustrated. i fucking want to be free. let me be free and let me breathe. i am begging.

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the world i lived for a very long time was too harsh to the point it always surprises me that there are actually good ones. it feels like the norm in my life is to feel anxious every single time and to wait for someone to tell me i am doing it wrong and there is no other way out but to give up.

give up the things you were working and holding for a long time. give up on the hopes that everything will be alright. give up that all things is beyond your control. give up because that is the only choice left.

i stopped expecting but why do i still find myself disappointed. i stopped hoping for the best and have my luck do its thing because i was never ever going to be given a chance and a win of life. i stopped praying as i always think that i am not worthy of the blessings.

i used to dream and work so hard for myself to be the best but i am so disappointed to myself that i am not good enough. always not good enough. always not the best. always the unlucky.

it doesn't even matter now if i die now. good that i have dreams. good that i am working on achieving in soon. but too comfortable that if i'd be gone, it'll be fine.

i hope that if i were to be gone soon, people will still remember me. if not, maybe it is way better.

i don't really know where this is going. one thing is for sure, i am not fine. i am not happy. i am anxious. i am scared. i am on this kind of phase once again.

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Oh how i hate shopping. Why does it feel that people at department store looks at you as if you can't buy stuff you want because you're plus size? Damn it's so hard to fit on people standard.

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lmao at least i don't use someone's success as my trophy bc it was never yours to begin with

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It's frustrating to cry over a thing you thought you were okay already. It still fucking hurts, the memories were too vivid. It was too clear even if it was a decade ago, or months ago. The words linger in your head, heart, and ears. You don't want that.

I don't want that but every time I remember those things, I always shed tears.

It still fucking hurts. You will never heal, but the world will go on, and you have to move on and live with it.

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One of the best kdrama I've watched so far is The Red Sleeve. LIKE OH MY GOSH IT WAS SO GOOD! It was kind of cliche but I'm gonna say that the romance and exchange of dialogues was so good. It wasn't direct but it was well said. It was romantic in a way that you would never expect it. Fuck, now I can't move on how good it was. If I have the time (and the urge to do so) to watch it again, i would definitely do that

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What I really hate about office set up is the culture itself. It's disgusting to see to people dragging or finding ways to pull others down just to make themselves relevant. I really don't care if they would talk shit behind me because my job is not my life. I have a life beyond my work. Goodness gracious they are on the same company but they would really go and drag each other. What kind of attitude was that. Yall go great each other with a smile and smirk behind... if you call it professionalism then go ahead but I would say, it's a disgusting attitude.

I swear to god, if these people are the people I would be with in the next 5 years then I'd rather die earlier than I planned. They are disgusting to be very honest. They think highly of themselves. So little of brain.

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Just feeling posting a lot of thoughts tonight lol

tw//suicide, cutting, depression

I never thought I'll be triggered about suicide or someone laughing over depression. I never consider myself as depressed person, i had my dark days, and still i am there. I cut myself as a way of feeling the pain on other part of my body not just on the chest. I was also so certain that I'm gonna live my life at 25 (i am 23 now) well, i do hope i'm gonna live until that age. Anyway, i hate it when someone is laughing over suicidal thoughts because I had those thoughts too. I know it's pathetic to have those kinds of thoughts but if only they know how much it hurts inside and wanted to feel the pain somewhere else. They don't know how much we suppressed our emotions. We are at the verge, we wanted to end the pain. It's part of life, i know but it's not just for a while. We've been feeling the pain for years already, not just because we thought about it at the moment.

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It's been six months since the last time I posted but let me put out my feelings here because sharing this would sound so fucking pathetic and immature but here it is.

I am ugly, or I feel ugly. I don't know, this has been an issue of my confidence. I always feel insecure, my friends and family looks so good in every photo. While me, I look old and stressed. I used to bury this insecurity and learned to love myself, but fuck it's so hard. During the lockdown, I never cared about how I look anymore since I was just home. When I got work, they kept on asking for a family photo, and the usual, they pointed my sister and said she's pretty. I feel so good that they complimented her. But then, people start to like her because she is beautiful, and now starting to give me looks that I am ugly. What actually triggers me to say these right now is that I had a graduation photo taken earlier today. It was okay, I was so overwhelmed because I noticed that the photographer and make up artists there were complimenting me. It was so unusual and I feel so good (damn, i am crying while typing this wtf) but then looking at my photos, i look like a total crap. I look so ugly. And I'm now doubting their words, were they only saying those things because the felt that i lost my confidence? Anyways, time skip... during dinner my sister called (she was living away from us because of work) she asked me why i didn't take any selfies earlier that day (the grad photoshoot) I said, I don't want to because I feel ugly. And fuuuuuck, I wanted to cry at the very moment. I realized, damn, this has been my insecurity since I was young. My sis ter is pretty and I am not. I don't know why this insecurity resurfaced. I really tried my best to love how I look, to love myself, but I can't. This is so frustrating. I should be used to it now, but why am I still hurt over this issue of mine?

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I’ve been questioning myself lately. What is wrong with me? What went wrong? Why is this happening to my? Why am I not worthy?

Why am I not enough?

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I just need to let this one out...

Why are there times that I feel so good with my accomplishments then I would feel really pathetic and discouraged afterwards. I try not to hate myself and also trying not to have more reason to hate me even more. I’m really disappointed on me.

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Dopil Energy

Not that I ship Dowoon and Wonpil but I just love their friendship. They are the naughtiest among the members. They’re like THE DUO friends among a huge circle of friends.

I can imagine them walking around the neighborhood then just suddenly will ring some random doorbell then run. Yes, they have that kind of energy. They can be silly by their own but they have each other’s back.

Watching Dowoon’s latest vlog (the Q and A ones), when Wonpil called back, it was really raw. I really like how Dowoon trying not to say that he’s doing a QnA to get an honest answer from Wonpil. Wonpil’s tone is just different, his answer was reassuring. Maybe he was kind of worried about Dowoon from what he asked (What kind of dongsaeng (lil brother) is he to him?). It was sincere and genuine answer from Wonpil because of his tone. It wasn’t his usual tone talking to MyDays on vlive rather a tone of voice giving compliment, praising Dowoon, and telling him he and his role is important to the band.

So yeah, random thoughts. I love DoPil energy, it’s like you’ll get jealous of them and want to have a best friend just as crazy as you are. This is just part of Day6. Truth to be told, I love their friendship. It is real, genuine, and lowkey. They are just there for each other, it may not be 24/7 because of course they have their own lives , just like how we treat our friends in real life too. (Well, my friends and I, especially the college friends, are very low maintenance, if you don’t want to talk, it’s okay. I’m just here) But you know they really support each other and got each other’s back.

I love watching their friendship. It may be just part of a whole, it is still a best thing to actually witness.