wischief

[wischief]

Too many attempts

Dearest self,

I have failed in everything, with many attempts. I have failed to go to class, I have failed to pass my subjects, failed to make proper boundaries, I failed to go to work on time, I failed to pass my work, I failed to take care of my health, I failed to enjoy life, and I failed to pursue my dreams.

I do things even if I'm not ready for it for security. Even if I'm not ready, I go to class and do the work. I work, even if I don't want to. If I'm not ready to talk to my mother, I still answer her calls. I go with people who don't even notice me, or leave me out. I took opportunities, even if they are far from what I like. All for security.

All my life, I thought I was doing the right thing, following others. I remember when I first told my mother I wanted to take psychology, she told me me that I should take Accountancy because of other people's success. So I took Accountancy and always reminded myself that I took that choice. I let someone who barely showed up for my growth to make a choice for me, I may never forget that.

From childhood to college, I already knew I was not even passing. In elementary, I did not understand why I was at school and simply enjoyed playing. My parents were busy attending and hosting parties and I was in my home playing by myself, my sisters took my out to accompany them in their errands, and my older brother was busy being a kid. Growing up, I'd have sibling after sibling. I would stay with them while they take care of strangers. I had to study and figure out what was meant to be taught in a household. I was told to learn things myself, because everyone was so busy. Everyone was too busy for me - my father was a cheater and a gambler, my mother was busy making up for her youth. It was all too fast, I didn't have time to be a girl.

When I grew, I eventually learned some, but it was after many failed attempts, there was still so many left I couldn't learn. I thought my circumstance was okay, but when I look at other families, how they talk to their daughters, how their daughters are brilliant, know their boundaries, look pretty, and wear pretty clothes I knew something was wrong. I knew that when my mother told me how ugly I dress something was wrong, I knew when she told me that I overspend on beauty something was wrong, that I should be quiet and friendly when people treat me wrong I knew something was wrong, when my father talks to me like I'm his friend I knew something was wrong, when my father told me that I spent too much when I'm just at home and he bought the world for other people, and when my mother told me I was hard to love. There were so many things I couldn't learn, when my everyone said they were busy, so I took it upon myself to learn and explore, when I was still shy. It took a lot of bravery and sacrifice, to be where I am. A lot of red-faced moments and tears. A lot of embarrassment and I'm not sure if that's what advanced me. If my professors passed me out of pity.

This week, I failed to go to class nor to pass my work scorecard. You know how hard I tried to stay awake after my 9 hour work, and having classes 7 days a week with one class having 9 hours? I did my best. I went to class with teachers throwing a lot of things at us, their outbursts, their many assessments. With a spoiled classmate, who wouldn't stop bothering to make me feel things. With a mother that visits me, only to give my allowance and call me the ugliest person. Everyday, I wake up take a shower, study, go straight to work, then to class, sleep and do it again.

You're not moving, when you're not failing. But this is too much. But you know I am happier, ever since I started to work. When I moved out of our home and into my dorm. When I don't see my dad being drunk and entertaining guest or I don't hear my mom throwing words at me. I would rather go through all the attempts of learning what I should've from them, gaining that confidence that everyone got as a child. I would rather fail than conform. I failed in everything, but I would rather do than in myself